The Sole Survivor!

A big, cartoon-faced tiki (a description which could also be used to detail the recently departed Robert) segues to racing clouds and roaring sea. Paschal thinks it's Day 37, and explains that they're all ready for the end of the game. Neleh is wearing cute little rainbow socks on her cute little feet as she cutely hopes that the sun will come out again and dry everything up. Paschal tells us that he feels good mentally, but not as good physically. He thinks he looks worse now than he has in his whole life, which he conjectures is a combination of his age and the fact that he "never did look real good." Paschal stumbles around for emphasis.

Kathy tells us that they're all sick of being out there. She says that in order to survive the monotony and boredom of the situation, they need to force themselves to stop thinking about all the bad things: the bugs, "that [they're] locked down here," the discomfort, the hunger, and the exhaustion. Kathy and Neleh now sit together and do exactly the opposite of what Kathy just told us they should be doing. They sing a song that they both appear to know, but I've never heard before. It's about "show[ing] me the way to go home" and being tired and wanting to go to bed, and also about something going straight to their heads. ["I think it's a camp song." -- Wing Chun] Neleh tells us in a confessional that she has gotten close to Kathy within the past few days, and that now she trusts her completely. She says that if not for Kathy's vote at the last Tribal Council, Neleh would have been voted off. So that's why she feels close to her? Because Kathy did what she wanted?

Now Kathy strikes a yoga pose with little rocks lined up on her thighs. She asks the Marquesan ghosts to "lift [them] out of this valley, and bring [them] into town." In the background, Neleh yells, "She's going crazy!" as Kathy continues speaking in one of those terrible, fake, Mickey Rooney-inspired Asian accents. She says, "Confucius say [sic], we are going." She stops and I'm glad, but not for long, because the screaming sets in. She and Neleh start randomly screeching, for no apparent reason, about hating the Marquesas and wanting to go home. Paschal somehow manages to sleep through this noise -- maybe because he's on the verge of death -- but Vecepia looks like she's sucking on a lime. Actually, Vecepia is sucking on a lime, but she's also annoyed. In a wary confessional, she tells us that she she's "had about enough of these people." And for once, I agree with her. Sing it, sister! She says she loves the others, but is tired of them, and complains that she's the only one of the remaining four who has to work during the several days. Unless she wins immunity in the challenge, she's almost certainly going to be voted off. She tells us she has to work and will work, and then shrugs it off with a gleeful little work dance, that is actually kind of cute and happens not to invoke God.

More feet, this time walking through the jungle. Neleh, Vecepia, and Paschal are checking the treemail, and Neleh sing-songs about it. The clue is written on the pages of a little book:

Sixteen have come
Four are left
I hope you've paid attention
Their hopes and dreams
Their place of birth
It's immunity for your retention.

That's the worst poem I've ever heard! And who's the "I" in it, anyway? For some inexplicable reason, the S4 hoot and exclaim over the "place of birth" part in the clue. Vecepia turns to Paschal and asks if they weren't just talking about this challenge. In a confessional, Paschal suspects that the immunity challenge will have to do with the "personalities" involved in the game -- where they're from, what they do, and what their dreams are. The three members of the tribe further discuss the clue, and Paschal suggests that they sit down together and compare notes. Vecepia thinks that Kathy may not know much about the others, and Paschal says, "Even though this is a big immunity, I want y'all to know as much as you can." Oh, that Paschal. He's so thoughtful and considerate. Vecepia sounds reluctant as she agrees to participate in the information exchange. As they head back to camp, Paschal is shaky on his feet again. Still, he insists on holding a branch for the ladies to walk through as he totters. Clearly they've been expecting this challenge, since it's shown up around this time every season, and we hear Neleh says she didn't know whether they'd do this particular challenge with four or three people remaining in the game. In a confessional, Paschal tells us that if Vecepia wins immunity, he'll be forced to vote for Kathy or Neleh. He explains that he suggested the tribe members compare notes in order to keep that from being "even remotely possible." Also because he thinks it's fair, but whatever. He points out that some of the current Soliantus haven't been with all of the S16, then clarifies, "As a matter of fact, I think Vecepia may be the only one that's been with everybody."

Paschal, Neleh, and Vecepia return to camp and share the little clue book with Kathy. As the tribe stands around, Paschal wonders where "Miss Patricia" was from, and Vecepia answers that it "starts with an 'L.'" In a confessional, Vecepia explains that she's not about to share notes with the others. She says this immunity is too important to her, and of course she knows where Patricia is from. She confidently repeats, "I know exactly where she's from." As we continue to see the S4 going over snippets of information about the others, Vecepia tells us that her goal going into Survivor was to develop relationships with everyone in order to learn as much as she could about all of them. Now we see that Paschal, Kathy, and Neleh know that Tammy wanted to write a book and that Sarah was from California, but they don't know John's last name. Kathy looks over at Vecepia as she points out that they're missing some of the small details. Then we see Vecepia sitting on the raft while studying her journal. In voice-over, she tells us that she wrote down a lot of people's personal information in "her little book." In a confessional, Kathy tells us that she's "pretty good at question-and-answer situation[s]," and is now just weighing what Vecepia knows. Kathy, Neleh, and Paschal discuss who they think Vecepia knows, and who she doesn't. They agree that Vecepia knew Zoe a little bit, and Kathy says, "But she wouldn't know dreams...." They also agree that Vecepia doesn't know Gabe, and think they got to know Gina as well as Vecepia did; then Kathy brags about knowing Rob from the summit. In a confessional, Vecepia tells us that Kathy may be a little worried because she put herself in an awkward position. She says that although Kathy was safe last night, she must win immunity during this challenge to avoid going home. But really, Kathy did what she had to do. Otherwise, she'd still be sitting in the same position, just with different people.

Vecepia keeps scribbling in her little book, as Kathy dons the necklace and mutters, "Put this stupid thing on," which I'm sure disappointed Peachy since he's all about its "sanctity." They extinguish their fire and collect their torches; then Paschal tells us that he feels great about going to Tribal Council, and about the possibility of winning the challenge, "if it's what [he] think[s] it is." What else would it be at this point? He explains how important immunity is, because it guarantees the winner a place in the final three. We see Paschal wish Vecepia luck and call her "girl." How very Jamaica Kincaid of him. Vecepia tells us that she's going to do her very best in the challenge; she knows she's out of there if she doesn't win it, "and so be it."

Sunset. Mountains. Jabba the Tribal Council Hutt. The S4 arrive; Peachy waits at attention. He orders them to sit down with their pads on their laps, and then brings in the jury. Sean's hair is all poofed up, and he's wearing earrings and a voluminous yellow shirt that resembles a caftan; I'll admit I spent more time than I should have trying to figure out who the big, black woman on the jury was. ["The blowout did make him look a little Macy Gray." -- Wing Chun] Peachy very seriously explains that this immunity challenge will take place at Tribal Council, followed immediately by a vote. The challenge will test how well they know their fellow Survivors. He'll ask a series of questions about individuals they've either all lived with, or events that happened during the past thirty-seven days. The first person to get ten points (by answering ten questions correctly) wins immunity. Peachy takes the immunity necklace back from Kathy and proclaims, "The all-important immunity...back up for grabs!"

Shots of the jury reveal very serious-looking Tammy and Zoe. Robert looks slightly amused but also kind of bored. He tucks a non-existent piece of hair behind his ears, and plucks at a flea. Okay, not the flea part. The first question is what was the first immunity challenge Rotu lost, and for an extra point, who did they vote out? Peachy reveals that the first immunity challenge lost by Rotu was the S.O.S. signal-building, and Gabe got voted out. Neleh gets both parts right, so she gets two points. Everyone else gets one point. They know that Gabe got voted out, but think the loss occurred during the blindfolded tiki-collecting challenge.

, Peachy wants to know the name of Sean's girlfriend. Neleh slips up and says, "Oh, my God" instead of "Oh my heck." Blasphemy! It turns out Sean's girlfriend is Ingrid; everyone knows it except Neleh, who has left the question blank. So now they're all tied up, with two points each.

Everyone knows that it's Tammy's dream job to work for The New York Times, and she seems pissed off that they got it right. Still tied, now at three points apiece.

Now Peachy asks what excuse "Boston Rob" used to explain his absence from work while he was off competing on Survivor. They all look like they're thinking really hard -- especially Neleh and Vecepia -- and aren't these questions the kind of thing that you either know or don't? It's not like a math equation when they could potentially think really hard and figure it out. Paschal, Neleh, and Vecepia all write down variations of "military leave," while Kathy has guessed "vacation in Hawaii." It turns out Rob told people back home that he joined the army, and Peachy slaps down the loser: "Kathy. He wasn't on vacation in Hawaii," like that answer was the dumbest thing he's ever heard. So now Kathy has only three points while the others have four.

Gina was the 1997 National Watermelon Seed-Spitting Champion! Everyone knows that, and Peachy proclaims Neleh, Vecepia, and Paschal as "halfway to victory."

Now Peachy passes around a necklace and wants to know who it belongs to. The S4 examine it very closely, and then reveal their answers. It's Tammy's necklace, and they're all right, so they each receive a point.

Peachy asks, "How many siblings does Sean have?" and since not a single one bothered to show at the "loved ones" challenge, I'm glad to hear the answer is "none." The tinkly music from The Goonies may or may not play in the background, and it would be so nice to be watching that movie right about now. In any case, Neleh, Vecepia, and Kathy guess correctly, while Paschal thinks Sean has one sibling. So Neleh and Vecepia break ahead with seven points each, while Kathy and Paschal trail behind with six.

up, Peachy reveals an "American flag belly ring," and this time when he goes to pass the object around for their inspection, the S4 enthusiastically decline the opportunity to fondle the jewelry, and Paschal looks horrified at the thought of it. They all know it belongs to John, and get one point each.

Tammy's fianc's name is Mike, which they all know. This leaves Neleh and Vecepia tied with nine points each, while Paschal and Kathy have eight. Peachy reminds them that they're playing to ten, so the question could decide the big winner.

The music begins to swell dramatically, so we know someone's getting the answer right, and either Neleh or Vecepia will be the victor. Peachy asks, "In which branch of the armed services did John train to be a nurse?" Paschal says "army," which he's told by Peachy is "not right." Kathy and Neleh also say "army," and get the same response from Peachy. Finally, it's Vecepia's turn to reveal her answer: "air force." Peachy snits, "Air force is correct," and Vecepia hits her pad with her fat-ass pen, and Peachy gives her the necklace. Actually, God gives her the necklace; Just Peachy is Just His Conduit.

So now that immunity has been decided, on to the Tribal Council part of the evening. Peachy tells them they can put their pads down if they want -- as opposed to holding onto them for the rest of their lives. He reinforces how important the night's vote is, as is the immunity. He says again that Vecepia can't receive any votes, but explains that she might try to "parlay" immunity into something to get further in the game. The words have barely left his mouth before Kathy jumps in: "I've got an offer." She propositions that Vecepia retain her immunity, but form a "vote alliance" with Kathy for the two days, thus guaranteeing herself a spot in the final two. Kathy says that if the Council results in a tiebreaker, then she'll " take the questions." I don't know how Vecepia would ever be in a position to take the questions, though, since she can't receive any votes. Peachy suggests that it might be a moot point, since they haven't yet revealed how a tiebreaker works. Kathy responds that she'll take "whatever the heat is." Peachy turns to Neleh, who must have tried to interject, or raised a hand. She answers that she was just considering the discussion and "seein' how it's gonna work out." Peachy asks if she has any thoughts, and Neleh responds, "No, I'm still figurin' it out real fast." As if she could figure anything out quickly. ["Or have 'any thoughts.'" -- Wing Chun] Peachy restates the offer: Vecepia keeps immunity and doesn't vote for Kathy; they then enter the final two together. Vecepia says that she can "handle that" as long as she retains the necklace, and Neleh's head snaps around as the two women agree to have a deal.

Kathy requests time with Vecepia to determine for whom they will vote. Neleh asks if that discussion can't be in front of her and Paschal, but Kathy prefers that her conversation take place elsewhere, which is kind of ironic, because in the past she's been the one insistent upon being on-the-table with their voting intentions. Kathy explains that such conversations usually take place outside the jury's hearing range. Peachy snippily shoots her down: "No! Maybe alliances as you've known them before. But you're making a deal in a public forum." Kathy says she understands and just wanted to "make sure." She turns to Vecepia, and says that if Neleh stays, Paschal can get some food, and that he's "sick of bein' on the beach." Paschal immediately snaps that Kathy shouldn't speak for him; he says, "Let me say what I'm sick of!" Kathy says she was just stating her opinion, and Paschal says, "Don't put me on the choppin' block on your opinion, okay?" So there's that much for his allegiance to Neleh -- since it's either him or her, and he's pretty quick to make it clear to whom his real allegiance is: himself. Rodger would totally have opted out in order to let Elisabeth continue. Anyway, Vecepia says that her vote that evening was going to Neleh, and asks if Kathy doesn't feel right with that, but Kathy concedes. Then Peachy gets tired of this back-and-forth and wants to know if they have a plan; they do. He then asks Paschal and Neleh for comments, and Neleh tearfully responds that she and Paschal have come all this way together, and she doesn't care, now, whether it's going to be her or him. Meanwhile, Paschal smiles because he thinks he's in the clear. Kathy adds that she was always aware she'd be voted off if she came down to a final three with Neleh and Paschal. She says it's a difficult situation, and points out that her voice is quivering. Still, she insists "that's it."

Three mutant flowers stand before Just Peachy, except they're not mutant flowers...they're the S3! The flowers on Neleh's head are about three inches high, and I was hoping she'd continue wearing the ridiculous crown during the challenge since it would surely tip her over. Peachy explains that they're about to begin their final immunity challenge, and that it's an endurance test, as usual. Except he acts like the challenge is a revelation, and not the same thing they've done every season so far. He instructs them each to take a position around the immunity idol, which stands atop a high tiki. Hee. A high tiki. Maybe if the tikis did get high, they'd stop making such ridiculously serious faces. The S3 will each step up onto two logs, with one foot on each. They will then put one hand on the idol. Peachy explains that these are the critical "three points of contact," and that if, at any time, these are broken, a contestant will be eliminated. Their feet and one hand must remain touching the prescribed points of contact at all times, and they can't use their other hands for balance against the tiki or log. Peachy reiterates that the last one standing wins immunity, is guaranteed a spot in the final two, and gets to decide who sits beside her in the final vote.

As Peachy retrieves the immunity necklace from Vecepia, he snarks, "Boy! You even smell good. That's a first!" Vecepia laughs, but clearly doesn't think it's funny. Or else she's mentally chiding herself for forgetting to pray for deodorant. Peachy's "sorry to be the bearer of bad news" in revealing that she usually stinks.

The three assume their places on the logs, and from the very beginning Neleh owns this challenge. Vecepia is wobbly from the start, and Kathy looks like her back might be bothering her. Meanwhile, Neleh is just hanging out. She's got a lot of practice, because what else is there to do in Utah? Just kidding, people. I'm from New Jersey, so whatever I say should be taken very lightly. Peachy points out that "it should be a nice hot day, too," and Kathy snits that she knew Jeff would be there "bugging [them]" throughout the challenge. Hee. Peachy defends himself by claiming to be attending to the necessary task of "setting the stage." A montage of the serious-looking S3 is followed by a shot of waves right to where they're positioned, and then Peachy is pleased to inform them that they've just reached an hour and a half, and to remind them that the day started at 3 AM. Neleh cheers. Vecepia and Kathy are sweaty and tired-looking, but Neleh is just thinking about all the crayons and kittens a million dollars can buy. Obviously answering a question from Peachy, Neleh says she has to win the challenge, because otherwise she's out of the game. Peachy asks whether she thinks the deal between Kathy and Vecepia will "hold strong," and Neleh says she thinks it will. Peachy then asks Vecepia whether -- if Neleh goes down first -- she and Kathy will just "end this" because of their deal. Vecepia says, "Yeah!" like there's no question to it. Neleh then smugly reveals that she's already selected who she'll take to the final two if she wins the challenge. Kathy says, "Aaah, yea, I think I got that one down," while Neleh grins. Peachy points out that Kathy, too, feels vulnerable, and she answers that Neleh's mad at her. Neleh immediately starts screaming that she's not mad at Kathy, and why should she be? She swears on her life that she's not angry, and says that they've come very far together and love each other; she insists that it's just a game.

Now two hours have elapsed, and the sun is setting. Peachy self-importantly scurries around lighting torches. Kathy fusses with her hair and removes her hat; Vecepia's all sweaty. They're both hunched over and looking very uncomfortable. Neleh, meanwhile, thinks she could at least get five crayons and two kittens with all that money.

Peachy says he'll start updating them more frequently, and explains that they're now at three and a half hours; then four. They cheer each other on, and Vecepia urges Kathy, "Stay in it, baby," while eyeing her with a steely expression. Then Neleh notices that Kathy's showing some cleavage and advises her to "watch [her] blouse." Considering we've all become quite familiar with the sight of Kathy's nipples over the past thirty-nine days, I don't know what the big deal is, but Kathy fixes herself and looks proudly up at Neleh. She then fixes herself some more, and topples over in the process. Vecepia says something that may or may not be "showin' the jewels!" after Kathy has fallen off, which seems kind of rude. So Kathy is anti-climatically out of the game, and she unsteadily hobbles behind Neleh, causing Peachy to panic and scream, "Don't walk to Neleh!" and how funny would it have been if Kathy had knocked Neleh off? Kathy is barely seated before Vecepia offers Neleh a deal. She says she'll forsake immunity and jump down now if Neleh guarantees Vecepia a place in the final two. They both claim to be able to stay up there all night, but if that were true, I don't think they'd rush into an agreement so eagerly; clearly Vecepia, at least, is very tired. So they agree, and Vecepia steps off immediately, followed by Neleh. They hug, and Kathy is sad. Peachy calls Neleh's victory "well earned," instead of the more appropriate "cheap." He says, "Sounds like there's new deal in place," and promises to see them at Tribal Council.

And then we're at Tribal Council, where Neleh gloatingly wears the immunity necklace. A Pappy-free jury comes in, and Peachy points out Paschal's absence. Peachy says they've been through a lot together, and he won't hide anything from them now. He reveals that just before the jury was leaving for Tribal Council, Paschal collapsed. He was evacuated to medical care and is now in excellent hands. Luckily, Peachy explains, one of the tribe members is a registered nurse, and he turns it over to John to put the S3 "at ease" regarding Paschal's condition. John very decently explains that Paschal just "kind of fainted on his feet," and was showing signs of dehydration. He says that everything looked good and that Paschal was talking, alert, and able to say a prayer. Neleh says, "I'm just glad he's okay," and Kathy says, "I'm glad he's okay, too." Vecepia says nothing. ["Because she's not a total hypocrite? No, that can't be it...." -- Wing Chun]

Peachy wants to know if they're okay to go ahead with Tribal Council, and of course Neleh is because she's got immunity. Peachy says it's been a long day of highs and lows. He explains that the challenge was about will power -- they all wanted the victory and hung on for a long time. He then asks Kathy what happened. She explains that she lost her concentration when she looked down to "correct her shirt," and then just fell off. She says it was "[her] own fault," and claims that it's "not a big deal." She doesn't bring Neleh into it, I think, because she's probably hopeful that Neleh might still bring her into the final two, and finger-pointing won't help her cause. She says she was tired and only had another hour in her, anyway. Neleh jumps in claiming that it was a "totally innocent" accident. She says, "I just did not want her self [sic] exposed," and claims she wasn't trying to "lure her off," or anything. Peachy points out that as soon as Kathy fell off the stump, Vecepia jumped in with the deal. Kathy responds that she was disappointed because she thought they "had a little thing goin' on," but points out that what goes around comes around. She says she'd made a deal the prior day, and that now it was Vecepia's turn to do the dealing. Vecepia always seems to end up on the sweet end of the deal, though. Kathy adds that it seems like such turnabouts are always happening in this game. Again, she's disappointed, but she can't do anything about it.

Peachy asks Vecepia what her obligation to Kathy was at that point in the game, and Vecepia begins, "To be honest..." but then isn't honest at all. She says she doesn't recall any part of the deal being about "carry[ing]" Kathy, which prompts Kathy to grunt in disbelief. Vecepia claims that after Kathy fell, she wrestled with what their agreement was about, but it couldn't have been a very long wrestling match since Kathy's logs weren't yet cold when Vecepia put the offer out there. Kathy insists that she thought their agreement covered the incident, but Vecepia just says that she could have stayed up there longer, and that the best thing she could do at that point was "end this charade" and cut a deal with Neleh.

Peachy asks whether Neleh was going to outlast Vecepia, and Neleh whines that she's "been on the chopping board for two days now," and wasn't going to go down without a fight. She says she knew all day long that she had to win the challenge, and she wasn't going to give up. When Vecepia made the offer, she had no doubts about taking it.

Peachy then questions Kathy's faith, because she's not as "vocal" and "open" as Vecepia and Neleh are about their beliefs. I wouldn't really call obnoxiously proselytizing the same thing as being "open." Kudos to Kathy if she can maintain her faith without shoving it in everyone else's faces. Peachy asks whether faith played any part in the game for Kathy, who replies that she was praying while she was standing on the logs, and also that there were many other "deep thoughts" running through her mind. Peachy challenges, "Like what?" and Kathy says, "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face," and, "I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye," and also that "Boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." Oh, wait -- those are Jack Handey's deep thoughts, not Kathy's. Instead, she reveals that she "hung by" her father's bedside during the five hours before his death, and that if she could do that -- and since he would want her to hang on -- she persevered in the log challenge. She also recited the Lord's Prayer, and talked to her father, which she says she hasn't done in years. At least since he was alive, anyway. This speech seems earnest, and appears to win over the jury completely. Kathy says again that she just had to "go deep" to prevail.

Peachy now explains that Kathy and Vecepia can't vote for themselves, and thus will cancel each other out, so Neleh alone will cast a vote. Peachy snipes that it's interesting how -- within the past two Tribal Councils -- they've all either changed their minds, offered to change the minds, or considered changing their minds about their voting intentions. In other words, they're all indecisive, disloyal, opportunistic bitches. He says that the identity of the final two will depend on whether or not Neleh will change her mind.

Tammy is first, but she probably should have been last, because her speech is the most vitriolic. She says she's always been upfront about the way she planned to play the game: she always admitted that she planned to lie, cheat, and do "whatever it took" to win. At some point during the game, however, her strategy changed and she started feeling bad about the way she was playing, because of Neleh and Vecepia. I'm sure they both thought she was going to say she changed her approach because she'd seen the light through their thoughtful and generous ways. Instead she cites their "holier-than-thou attitudes" as to not lying and cheating and, rather, playing with morals and integrity. She calls them hypocrites and "the biggest liars on the island." She claims that while they were busy condemning the Rotus for their deceptive and manipulative ways, Neleh and Vecepia were doing the same thing, but "under the guise of Christianity." Harsh! But true. Tammy says that Vecepia flip-flopped so much in the game that she probably didn't even know which side she was on, but she always made herself feel better because after she lied, she asked for forgiveness. Tammy then turns on Neleh, and says that she started the game out as a self-respecting twenty-one-year-old Mormon women, but that changed when she got greedy. She says that Neleh claimed only to care about having a place on the jury, but then lied and stabbed her alliance in the back before voting them off. Tammy (obviously) doesn't think either of them deserves the million. She thinks Kathy does, and she makes a point of observing that Kathy was voted off right after Vecepia stabbed Kathy in the back. Still, Tammy knows it's the nature of the game, and that they beat her at it by lying, manipulating, and deceiving better. She snidely congratulates them both and returns to her seat. Neleh looks kind of stunned and sad while Vecepia looks smug because God will surely smite Tammy for those wicked words.

Sean (and his poofy hair) laughs as he takes his place before the S2. He congratulates them and says he didn't "come up here to player-hate on either one of y'all." He says that Neleh and Vecepia both deserve to be there, because they outplayed and outwitted the others. He then says that it's hard, because religion is an easy target, and he doesn't like that because people get "funny" about religion and "you don't want to throw it in people's faces." Speak it, brother. About the not throwing it in people's faces part, even though both Neleh and Vecepia (and Sean for that matter) did it, so I'm not sure what he's talking about. Sean asks if the S2 gained any sort of moral message from playing the game. Neleh says that there were times while playing Survivor that she wanted to follow her heart, but because of a strong alliance she'd made, couldn't. She says she'll follow her heart from now on, because of course her pure, wonderful, sweet heart always knows best. Vecepia agrees. She's learned that she needs to think before giving her word to someone; on the jury, John snickers. Vecepia says that she sometimes acts too rashly in making decisions, and gives an answer just to appease the other party. She's learned to think a situation through so that she doesn't end up battling her morals against her word. So in short, honesty is not part of her moral code.

Poignant music plays as Paschal takes the stage. He hasn't prepared anything because he was just worried about being there so he could cast his vote for Neleh. He lies that he thinks they both deserve the win, and calls them the "epitome of what this great country of ours has to offer." So now we're offering up our young women? He insists that he's proud of them both, and would have loved to have them as his daughters because they're "those types of individuals." They gave him strength during the game, and have made him a better person for good. He wishes it could be a joint win because they're both deserving, incredible, and "refreshing." He wishes them luck and looks forward to having them both in his life forever. Except by "both," he means only Neleh.

It's Robert's turn now, and a drumbeat rolls because he's "the General." He's wearing a powder blue shirt he borrowed from Just Peachy. Except he couldn't have borrowed it from Just Peachy because Just Peachy's shirt wouldn't fit him. Robert says he's seeking only "direct answers," before launching into a speech to the effect that he's always believed that a person should never regret any of their own decisions or actions. He then asks Vecepia and Neleh to provide a decision or action they made during the game that they think most "adversely hurt" their current standings. Vecepia defends herself by saying that she doesn't regret anything, but Robert cuts her off to say he only wants a simple answer to the question. Vecepia quickly responds, "What I did yesterday to Kathy." Neleh then rambles on about watching Zoe and Robert be voted out before Sean and Vecepia. She says that she was part of that vote because of her alliance, to which she felt she had to be true. Robert is far more gentle in cutting Neleh off as she tries to justify her actions.

Zoe says she has a "work hard, play hard" attitude, and feels like she belongs in the final two. I'm not sure what one of those things has to do with the other, but whatever. She says she played the game with the people who wanted to play, but that she's not going to talk about lies and deceptions because, she dramatically says, "I was there, too. We all were there." Is this the Vietnam War, or Survivor? Zoe thinks that both Vecepia and Neleh have "good hearts" and made it to the spot where everyone else wanted to be. She congratulates them, and that's all she has to say, which is a bummer, because I expected something far more venomous from her.

Kathy hobbles over with two questions. She asks at what point Neleh had her most "dramatic strategic moment" -- what that decision was, when was it made, and whether it was made independently. Neleh answers that the moment happened on the twenty-fourth day. She explains that she and Paschal had a discussion after Sean approached them about switching around the game to oust the Rotu alliance. She says that up until that point, she'd been going along with the Rotus in the hopes that something would change. She realized that they had to make the change themselves, and aligned to defeat the Rotus 5-4. She insists she's been saying all along that that was when she started playing the game. I have no idea why she thinks telling the others that she didn't start competing at the game until well past the halfway point will ever convince them that she's worthy of winning.

Neleh wants the jury to consider how well she treated them during the course of the game, as well as her love and compassion for them. She "honestly truly" feels that everyone on the jury deserves a million dollars. And a puppy! She claims again that she only started playing the game on the twenty-fourth day, and only then because she had to. She wants them to know that they were seeing the real Neleh until that time. Huh?

Peachy now reminds the jury that they're voting differently tonight: for a winner, as opposed to voting out a loser. And the voting commences!

John walks into the voting booth and fidgets about for a while. He picks up a rock and puts it down someplace else, takes the lid off the pen, then covers his face. Clearly, he's struggling with the vote. Or hamming it up. Finally, he votes for Vecepia, saying it was an unbelievably hard decision. He'd hoped Neleh would apologize for betraying him, but that didn't happen. He says Vecepia played under the radar after coming in "the back door," and that's not his style, and there's an easy joke there, but it's not my style to make it. John says Vecepia played the game; he's appreciated her honest answers and concludes, "You go, girl!"

Paschal votes for Neleh, and for once doesn't rave about how wonderful she is. Instead, he just says, "More honest, less deceitful, and always completed a race whether she was first or last. And very deserving." And I was so sure he'd vote for Vecepia.

We don't see Robert's vote, but we do see a sad-looking tiki.

Sean exclaims, "We did it, baby!" as he votes for Vecepia. He says it's better her than him, because he knows she'll "represent." He then puts his pinky in his mouth and does a Dr. Evil imitation as he says, "One million dollars!" He claims it's not about the money, but that if she does happen to win, he says she should "hook a brother up, you know. Help [him] pay [his] rent!" He has all love for her; regardless of the result, they'll do chicken and waffles and will "hook it up." He instructs her to remember that whatever the result, "you know, put Christ first and it's all gonna fall into place." He tells her to keep her head up and wishes her well.

We don't see Kathy's or Tammy's votes.

Zoe picks up the pen and looks seductively at the camera in a disturbing way. She tells us she's going to be short and sweet because "'V' is not for victory tonight." She writes and says at the same time, "Neleh is the Survivor."

Tribal Trill. Peachy goes to tally, and the faces of the S2 blur with the fire. The jury just sits there and acts like they really give a damn at this point. Sean is either meditating or asleep. Then Peachy returns with the urn and snips that he knows it's been a long thirty-nine days, but they'll have to wait even longer, because the winner will be announced back in the States. Neleh looks surprised by this, but does not say, "You mean I don't get my money now?" The helicopter comes for Peachy, and Neleh watches it curiously while most likely thinking, "I've never seen a bird that big before." Peachy boards, buckles up, and takes off, leaving the S2 and the jury just sitting there, confused as to how they're going to get home. They then start hugging each other.

Dramatic music plays, and we get a shot of the ocean because we all know it took Just Peachy exactly five months in his helicopter to get from the Marquesas to New York City. We see the skyline, and then the helicopter, and then Peachy in the helicopter. The helicopter appears to fly directly at the Statue of Liberty -- a spot of filmic poor taste, if you ask me. They must have needed lots of security clearance for this. The helicopter then flies down Broadway and passes the Empire State Building all decked out in red, white, and blue. There's not a whole lot of traffic on the street below, surprisingly enough. Then we see a big "H," which may or may not stand for "helipad," and the big bird lands. Peachy has some trouble closing the helicopter door, and then hails a cab using his super-cool Just Peachy whistle. He lands a cab immediately and -- score! -- it even happens to have a TV camera in it. Peachy says "Central Park!" and the cab screeches off toward its destination. In Central Park, the audience watches Peachy's progress on a big screen and collectively thinks about what a big tool he is. The cab has a little evergreen air freshener in it.

Peachy -- who is well-versed in the art of taking cabs -- attempts to look cool and nonchalant in the back seat. This is juxtaposed with shots of the very excited audience waving buffs in Central Park. The cab finally arrives, and Peachy pays. He gets a few feet away and then returns to request his receipt. Whether planned or not (and my husband and I had a disagreement on this), it still makes him look like the big dork he is. He walks into the Park, and the urn still has little feet, and we see that he's in Central Park, and he's also on the screens in Central Park. The wonders of technology!

We now join the S2 on a stage that is even bigger than Jabba the Tribal Council Hutt! Thankfully, they are not required this season to wear the same clothes they had on in the Marquesas. In fact, Neleh has gotten her hair crimped and quite possibly Botox injections, while Vecepia looks dowdily the same. Peachy says that they've traveled from "literally the most remote island to, without a doubt, the greatest island in the world." Everyone cheers. Yay, New York! Peachy can't think of a better place for the vote to play out than here -- well, except in the Marquesas, where they actually played the game, but whatever. He says they'll eventually get to the vote, but it's been five months since everything went down. He explains that nothing they say tonight will alter the result, and points out that they've been watching everything on television and have just heard, for the first time, a lot of what people had to say about them. Vecepia says that she was most surprised by the way other people perceived her and Sean. She is surprised that the others confused a relationship with an alliance, and says that they had a bond based on being Christian, African-American, and from the same original tribe, as well as sharing an identifiable social relationships. She says they both know "the brothers and sisters is [sic] chillin' at the barber shop, and they're talkin' about us, and that is an honorable thing!" She restates her surprise over the way people misinterpreted their relationship, and I don't know what she's talking about, since she and Sean spent half their time on the island talking about this very issue. She's surprised that the others mistook an alliance for a bond, and I'm surprised that Sean mistook that atrocity on his head for a hat.

Neleh was amused that they all came to play the game, and says again that she didn't have to start playing until the twenty-fourth day because she and Paschal weren't perceived as threats. Except I had a little typo there in my initial notes which read that "she and Paschal weren't perceived as tarts," which is also true. Neleh continues explaining that she and Paschal were considered to be weaklings. She thinks it was strange to be put in the sweetheart role, but then also to eventually be considered competitive. She says that people couldn't put the two together, and thought it must be either one or the other: if she's really competitive, then the sweetness must be a cover-up. In short, she's upset because some people don't think she's sweet.

Peachy says there's no argument that Neleh and Vecepia played better than the others, because they're the ones sitting there in the final two, while the others are not. And now it's time to commence with the voting. Peachy makes sure that the jury hasn't talked to each other, and I can't for a second believe that they haven't, but they claim to have kept quiet amongst themselves. ["I think I heard somewhere that they had to sign something that would allow CBS to sue them if they talked amongst themselves about their votes." -- Wing Chun] Again, Peachy explains that the voting methodology is different now: the S2 want to hear their names read. There are seven votes, so four are needed to win. In addition to the million, the victor will take home a brand-new Saturn Vue in the "color of [her] choice!" and the title of "Survivor." Neleh and Vecepia giggle nervously and clutch at each other, and then the camera pans to some Eminem-looking man in the audience who appears to be doing antics with his t-shirt. ["I think that was Neleh's brother; he had the same Jughead Jones nose." -- Wing Chun]

The first and second votes are for Vecepia, which results in shouting from the audience and hugging between the S2. The third, fourth, and fifth votes are for Neleh, and I notice that she and Vecepia are rubbing up against each other. What's that all about? Zoe's vote elicits laughter, although I don't know why, since everyone -- including Vecepia and Neleh -- already saw what she wrote. Vecepia receives another vote, so now it's tied three to three, and the vote will reveal the winner. Neleh squeals, and Vecepia covers her face, while Peachy insists that it "can't get any tighter." Peachy looks at the vote, smiles, and says. "The winner of Survivor Marquesas..." and then flips the vote around to reveal Vecepia's name. Vecepia falls off her stool and lies on the ground on her stomach kicking and flailing about. Sean runs over to help her up and hug her, and John joins them, as does Neleh. The others gradually trickle over as well, either to lend their congratulations or get some more camera time. We see Vecepia's family in the stands celebrating their new fortune. We also see hugging among the jury, because people on this show like to hug. Everybody hugs everybody, but mostly Sean hugs Vecepia, and I hope she loves him as much as he loves her, and manages to toss some funds -- or at least a new hat -- his way. They clutch at each other and yell "God is good!" while pumping their fists in the air. Then the rest of the S16 appear and act like anyone even remembers who they are anymore. More hugging follows, except for Peter Pandit, who totally lurks around awkwardly in the background. Peachy then hunches over as he squelches Neleh's torch. Yay!