Survivor S04E08

A voice-over tells us that twenty-four days ago, sixteen strangers were split into two tribes and marooned on the "mystical" Marquesas Islands. Now only eight remain as members of one merged tribe, each with a chance to win the $1,000,000 prize. Here's what you need to know about them: Neleh is a sweet, though moon-faced, half-wit; Kathy is loud and braless; Sean is the "angry black man"; Vecepia prays a lot; Paschal is a skinny judge opposed to lewd teenage dancing; gape-jawed Robert wants to be called "The General" but is more likely herein to be called "Magilla Gorilla"; Zoe is tough; Tammy is tougher. The cast-out eight included Peter Pandit, who liked to talk about his asshole; thrown-from-the-tribe Patricia; Hunter, who quickly became the Hunted; the golden-locked commie Moppet; big-breasted, small-minded Sarah; Gina, Watermelon Queen and She-ra to Hunter's He-Man; possible mobsta Rob; and mastermind and overall big behind John. Just Peachy is the host and narrator; he's awfully pretty. And Mark Burnett pulls the strings, which you can see if you look really, really close.

And that's all you need to know, with only fifty-nine minutes of post-credits extraneous filler and repetition to go!

Water washes over the camera lens. Pictures of the eight remaining members flash on the screen, and Neleh's is submerged with bubbles around it. OOOH, BUBBLES. Peachy blathers on about the "highlights and never-before-seen-footage" we'll see tonight, and claims this "special edition" will give us a "closer look." And if by "closer look" he means "another look," then that's entirely true. These "specials" always have a few new clips, and they're always shown to us right at the beginning of the episode, as well as throughout the show. So ahead, learn that Robert brought a voodoo doll and plans to "start jabbin' the hell out of it," and Sean sings opera while Tammy voice-overs about his "sense of humor." Also, Kathy and Rob wanted a word they could shout when naming the new tribe, Soliantu; and Sean, Paschal, Vecepia, and Neleh whispered about voting out John.

And that's all the new stuff you'll get in this episode, with only fifty-seven minutes of post-credits extraneous filler and repetition to go! Can you tell where this is headed? Let the recrapping begin!

Tinkly music plays that we've not heard before as we see footage of the initial drop-off from Day 1. They've been split into two tribes; they paddle; "the journey was nothing like they expected." It's exactly, however, what the viewing audience expected, since we've already seen this exact footage. In what may or may not be a fresh clip, Rob tells us that it was exciting at first and "all fun," but after fifteen minutes of paddling he realized, "There's nobody here to help you." Except for the seven other people he's stranded with. Sean attempts to paddle with his tongue. I didn't notice that the first time around, before I was aware of the many talents of Sean's tongue. The tribe debates where to land, and Peter Pandit sees a beach and gets excited. Gina snaps that the map says it's a "rocky beach," and so they shouldn't yet head to shore. Sarah tells us that the map made it look like a fifteen-minute paddle, but when they first saw land, they realized how much longer it would take. Especially since Sarah is not planning on doing any paddling herself. Peachy now voice-overs that the tribe's arrival was "nothing short of majestic," and the Cleopatra footage of Sarah with her "boooooobs hanging out" plays. Sean snarks. Sean enunciates the word "boooooobs." Sean is very, very sweaty. High fives all around because they've arrived. Blah. Oh, and blah.

Meanwhile, Rotu has arrived and discovered that they have no supplies. No supplies! Who knew? Neleh identifies various supplies. Because she can. F-R-Y-IN-G PAN. FR-Y-ING PAN. FRY-ING PAN. FRYING PAN! Peachy tells us that fire-starting at Rotu became "an exercise in futility." This whole "special" is an exercise in futility, if you ask me.

Fire-starting at Maraamu was "a different story," but it's the same old story to us. Peter brags about how he uses his yoga experience to "breath from the diaphragm" and demonstrates with a series of deep, long breaths. New Age music plays as Peachy cites "Peter's breathing techniques" as the reason the tribe got fire. I would credit the fire to the magnifying glass, but whatever. Sarah and Rob were attracted to each other; Sarah and Rob slept together in the tribe's raft; Sarah and Rob wanted to make a hot tub. Meanwhile, the other members of the tribe look jealous. Flirt, snark, flirt, snark, flirt, snark. Gina tells us that she's not sure if the relationship is sexual or strategic. If it was strategic, by now we all know it didn't work out so well.

It's Day 2. I can't believe it's only Day 2. Twenty-two to go. Will every paragraph of this recap begin "It's Day __" and how endless will that seem?

Remember when Kathy was determined to a start fire at Rotu, but John was "wiped"? Remember when the tribe ganged up on Kathy about the fire, and remember when you thought she couldn't possibly last to the final eight? Remember that? Heh.

Now it's time for the all-new voodoo doll clip. Except it's not new, because we just saw much of this footage in the pre-credits. The Moppet uses the tribe's machete to pretend to saw at the doll while humming the theme to Jaws or some other horror movie-like song. Peachy tells us, "Rotu planned on sticking it to Maraamu," in the first challenge, and then we already get reclipped -- within five minutes of the clip's first appearance -- as Robert introduces his voodoo doll again. He proudly says they'll pass the doll around and everyone will get a shot at it. The voodoo doll appears to be wearing a little hood. Robert stabs the doll's shoulder in case they're rowing in the challenge, and Kathy is upset because the pin "won't go in its head." Neleh gleefully announces that she wishes "sore arms" upon the other tribe. Kathy's nipple brings us to a new scene.

No food, no water, no fire. We knew, we know, we will know. By now, it is ingrained on our very psyches.

Peter Pandit is annoying. He likes to talk about his various orifices, and wants the others to know he's not just a "magical, mystical person." He says he can divine the truth from looking in people's eyes, and Gina points out that some people will look him in the eye and lie to him. Oooh, sneaky new clips. Peter Pandit says he knows that neither he nor Gina have alliances, and Hunter says that alliances mean nothing at this point in the game, anyway. Peter Pandit doesn't know that, though. Sean jumps in to say that there are no alliances right now, but Peter Pandit doesn't know that, either. In a confessional Vecepia tells us the game has "drifted from survival to a paranoia state," and Peter Pandit has taken it to the extreme. Peter Pandit tells Sean that he can tell from everyone's faces the outcome of that evening's Tribal Council. Sean thinks people are just tired and hungry, but Peter insists that it's better to get it out now, because they won't be able to talk later. Peachy voice-overs that even though Patricia and Sarah got votes, "Peter [Pandit's] instincts were correct." He's the first; seven more to go.

It's a cameo scuttling crab! First it looks like some brush, but then it scuttles! That, I believe, is new footage. Because I know my scuttling crabs.

Maraamu was upbeat! They had a radio show!

But at Rotu, they're all about the work. Clips of the squiggy food. We learn something critical to our understanding of the development of the Rotu tribe: they had peppers. Teensy tiny little red and yellow peppers found by the Moppet. They're the moppets of peppers. The tribe congratulates each other on spicing up their meals until the Moppet eats a moppet pepper and starts squealing. We seem them chopping up the moppet peppers into even tinier pieces: minced moppet peppers. Neleh enthusiastically says, "Coconut, lime, and peppers!" Good girl, learning her fruits and vegetables.

Over at Maraamu, they're trying something new as well. Rob tries to "fry up a little papaya," but has no idea how it will turn out. Gina, watching, looks dismayed. Rob brings the final product over to Gina and Hunter, and Hunter refuses to eat it until Rob does first, because it's his "concoction." Rob nibbles and pronounces it good; he nibbles some more and concludes that it "tastes like...warm papaya!" Hee. Hee. Laughter. Rob's so silly. When he's not threatening to bash in his tribemates' kneecaps.

Momma bosses people around. Momma wants to put the tools away. Momma wants sunscreen rubbed in her armpits by fine-looking young men. Not in this clips show, maybe, but she does. Sean tells us, "Oh no, Momma got to work. Momma can't sit down." Momma will take a forced time-out momentarily, but we're not supposed to know that yet.

In fifteen minutes, we've had fifteen seconds of fresh clips. Just in case you were wondering.

On Day 5, the tribes compete for fishing gear. Kathy couldn't dive then and she still can't dive now. She acts like she's going to dive, and maybe she even thinks she's diving, but she never tips her head at the last minute. In other words, Kathy belly flops. Rotu won fins.

On Day 6, Kathy orgasms over a fork in the tree mail. Peachy says getting utensils with the mail could only mean one thing, and at that moment we hear Paschal say, "A food challenge!" Although he does not say "a gross food challenge!" It's time for the fafaru-eating, when Rob chokes -- both literally and figuratively. So Maraamu loses it's third challenge in a row, returns to Tribal Council, and unloads Patricia. Peachy then tells us that Maraamu "lost their second tribe member," in case we didn't figure that out from it being their second Tribal Council, and from watching the exits of Peter Pandit and Patricia.

Day 7 is a "lesson in pain for Rotu" (and the recap show is a lesson in pain for those of us watching), when Kathy pees on John's hand. That isn't supposed to be the painful part, but it's the part that pains me. Basically, John got a handful of sea urchin before, and then revealed his new mantra, "Need pee, need pee, need pee."

On Day 8, a dashing Peachy delivers bamboo and rope to the tribes with the words, "I come bearing supplies for your challenge." A rock climbs into Robert's shoe and slices up his toe, then John gets bit by an eel and wails. Not even pierced fingers and eel bites and sliced toes can stop Rotu, though, as they win another challenge.

The cliffs are pretty, and it's Day 9. We're not even halfway there yet. The cliffs are no longer pretty. They are the cliffs of endless, repetitive doom. Maraamu goes on a hike together and Hunter explains that Patricia had found a stream on the other side of the hill. And just in the nick of time...new footage! New, boring footage, but we take what we can get. Hunter tells us they decided to check out the stream in order to "do something together as a tribe." That seems like an odd thing to say considering all they do every day is sit around as a tribe. The guitar riff from "Go Ask Alice" by Jefferson Airplane may or may not be playing in the background. Actually, I don't really know what a "guitar riff" is, but it sounds cool. And also, it's definitely not "Go Ask Alice" playing, but it sounded close enough for me to immediately make the connection. Peachy does not pop up and start yodeling for the tribe members to remember what the door mouse said. I wish he would. In any case, the tribe gets lost and ends up on a steep trail. Sean complains that the trail is "a whole lot, for me." How, then, did Patricia do it? Sean and Rob are resistant to climbing all the way down such a steep trail just to turn around and climb back up. Scratch, scratch, scratch goes Sarah. Sean tells us that Hunter is "up and always looking busy," but he thinks, "We didn't get put on this island to come and exert ourselves in this tropical heat." He wants to "damn all this other work," and concentrate on winning the "damn challenges." Damn straight.

Now Peachy tells us that the tribes "battled it out in the coconut maze race." How silly does that sound? Rotu wins, making for a very happy Moppet. Like Zoe last week, we learn that Hunter -- though pretty as he is -- was not shaved by Mark Burnett either.

Rob is Maraamu's "puppet master." He likes loyal, fearful puppets, and Hunter, being more of a Miss Piggy then a Kermit, gets voted out.

On Day 10, the competitors face the "biggest twist yet," for which Peachy encourages them to "follow [their] gut[s]." The group stands on disks to determine a brand new division of the tribes, thereby mooting all victories and losses made so far in the game. Zoe remains on Rotu, and still gives Peachy her death glare. Rob and Sarah are "torn apart." From each other, though. Not, like, to shreds. Peachy says it is "time to play a brand-new game." It's also time for some brand-new clips, but he doesn't seem to care much about that.

Kathy, Paschal, and Neleh are new Maraamus. They like fruit.

The new Rotus -- Sean, Vee, and Rob -- like the Rotu waterfall, but don't like their new position in the tribe. Sean appears unable to walk in crotch-deep water. He then makes a throat-slitting gesture and says the switch-up "ain't too bad."

It's Day 11, and screaming on the soundtrack yields to screaming by Vecepia. We learn that Sean introduced the new tribe to "the radio program." Sean is way too into the radio shtick -- making staticky noises and then emulating the turning of the dial, with snatches of dialogue and singing. Beside him, Robert is more interested in the finer points of a piece of coconut. Vee tells us that when they landed at Rotu camp they told the others about their camp activities like "the early morning show," and the others were "more than willing to try it." Sean announces that "no longer are they down with the Maruachu [sic]," and says he could never say the tribe's name right, so why should he start now. He asks John to give a "food report," and John talks about raw coconut and "watch[ing] those spines" of sea urchins. Then Tammy diplomatically tells us in a confessional that the former Maraamus brought a "sense of humor" to the group and it was fun, but she doesn't sound very convinced. Sean wants the Moppet to give an overall report on the island, and the Moppet thinks he needs an Australian accent to do so. He rambles on and ends with some positive crap about "pull[ing] through in the end." Sean tells us that the new tribe looked like they really enjoyed the radio show, and a yellow-teethed Vee looks particularly pleased. Sean is happy that they can bond in "other ways than just working." It's not so much about the "bond[ing]" part for him, though, as about the "than just working." Tammy's segment reveals that "the in people will be sporting lovely new buffs," and then cites the different ways one might wear a buff, not including en route to the trash dumpster or the insane asylum. Sean concludes the radio show with, "And remember God loves you."