The African bush. A Survivor truck. Just Peachy. What do these three items have in common? They're all things you see in the first twenty seconds of Look Closer: Survivor Africa. They're also all things you've seen before and will see again ad nauseam in this episode. In a voice-over, Peachy tells us that, twenty-one days ago, sixteen Americans began "the adventure of a lifetime." At this point, I contemplate not even bothering to write a recap, but to just cut and paste pieces of past recaps into one document and turn it in and hope no one notices. I also become fairly confident that Just Peachy did not actually do any work for this "special" -- instead, the editors just spliced together past voice-overs to seem like fresh narrative. Not that anyone would notice. And not that it was particularly fresh the first time around. In short, for 95% of this episode, we're neither seeing nor hearing new clips: it's a tedious and multi-sensory assault on our collective sanity.
In any case, they've been abandoned; they will battle each other; they will face new twists in the game. The pre-credit segment is obviously intended to make us feel really in-the-know. We know that the truck driver yelled at them to move faster. We know that the water is cruddy and that Clarence is a bean-stealer. We know that the tribes were switched up for Mark Burnett's personal entertainment. And somewhere in that montage of things we already know, a zebra bites another zebra's butt. Peachy then promises that this "special episode" will have both "highlights" and "never-before-seen footage" of the S16, and that we'll "take a closer look at the adventure that has gotten them this far." We then are positively tantalized with brief snippets of fresh footage that will be repeated and contextualized later in this show. Well, as "contextualized" as things ever get on Survivor. Kelly talks about "Clarence and his war paint," and reveals that Clarence thinks he's the "tribe's warrior." Frank engages in a bizarre activity with a pair of deer antlers, and Brandon and Tom have a conversation about sexual orientation. Well, Brandon has a conversation about sexual orientation, and Tom has a conversation about dykes and fags. Sambutwo does a blindfolded challenge which we've never seen before. And be aware, just about all of the new clips you will see in this preview have just been aired in this pre-credit teaser. So, let's welcome back Diane, Jessie, Carl, Linda, Silas, Lindsey, and Clarence, whom we've missed in alternating doses and move forward -- or more appropriately, backwards and sideways -- with the show.
Old footage. Peachy summarizes the drop-off and deems Africa a place "where water is scarce and the dangers are real." In a brief new clip, Brandon bitches that "big strong army guy" Frank was so far ahead of the rest of the tribe during the initial trek to camp that "he was like a block away from [them] just trooping on." It says a lot about the people chosen for Survivor that when they're abandoned in the African bush, they can only think in terms of city blocks. Brandon says it was obvious that Frank was really put out by having to wait for the rest of the tribe. Frank then tells Silas that the only thing that will kill them is daylight, but on the positive side, "if you're not alive, you don't have to worry about drinking or eating." He then tells the tribe, "This is my proposed plan: let's discuss it." Granted, his tone is more like an order than a request, but at least he appears to have some knowledge of the fact that blatantly bossing other people around doesn't get you far on this show. Unless you're Richard Hatch. Frank suggests that the tribe lose everything except their backpacks, water, and food. The editors do not contrast this with the fact that, at the same time, Kimj was advising Boran to unload her tribe's pesky water supply. I think Kimj has some friends in low, low places: the editing department. Samburu agrees with Frank that it's best to get to the security of camp as quickly as possible, and really, we all know that Africa can only benefit from American trash. It's The Gods Must Be Crazy Part II. Lindsey snits that they're taking too long to figure things out, and accompanies this statement with a snarky head waggle. Behind her back, Frank does the slightest imitation. It was funny. Granted, they'll probably find an opportunity to show it again, if you missed it.
The water is cruddy! It's cruddy water! You know, I think there is some crud in the water. Crud, you said? In the water? Crud. In. The. Water. Cruddy water. I think I've got it now.
Boran is digging out its spring, and Tom explains to Clarence, in his best teacher voice, that the water source is "underneath the ground." The shot is of Diane in full-on leopard print bikini. Now we know why they really voted her off. She says, "I'm gonna go up there and watch and make sure no animals come down and get us because there's some dangerous animals here, you just gotta keep clapping and hope they don't come down here." Then she grabs her breasts. Really, she does. Maybe she wore the leopard print hoping the animals would mistake her for an actual leopard and stay away. She's clapping and clapping because Big Bird likes to clap. The others -- particularly Tom -- are working hard to dig out the spring until she says she thought she heard something "like a lion." She insists that she's serious and "for real." In a confessional, Tom tells us that Diane thought she heard a lion as he was busting his ass shoveling out the spring, but that establishing a clean water source is the most important thing they have to do there. He complains, "But she heard a lion and we had to go." It's clear he doesn't believe Diane saw a lion. No one believed Big Bird about Snuffalupagus, either. Diane keeps hurrying the others along, and Clarence says, "I didn't see or hear your lion." Diane says she understands the importance of the spring but, "You know, I know you don't see 'em, but they could just be layin' there!" Clarence tells her that she's on "high instinct" and then she starts complaining about the mosquitoes biting her; and says she hopes they don't have malaria. Clarence tells her she's just having "jungle paranoia," and I'm so sure he's hoping this isn't accompanied by a side case of jungle fever. He then tells her, "Lions, mosquitoes, aliens -- it's all comin' at you right now." In a confessional, Tom calls Diane a "crybaby thumb-sucker." He says she was weak going into the game, and he knew it.
Over at Samburu, they're puking and crapping their guts out. PUKING and CRAPPING, I tell you! Both tribes were thirsty the first night, remember? And remember that Kimp discovered a telescope and Silas made fire with it? And remember when Samburu, too, knew the happy music? Remember when they all danced the hora to it?
Old Survivor clips flash in front of my eyes like I'm dying: Ethan propulsively falling; Diane collapsing; the mad, mad finger-pointing surrounding Clarence and a controversial can of beans. It's all coming back to me now. I really wish it wouldn't. Then, Diane gets voted out.
And suddenly, a reprieve: it's new stuff, and kind of funny new stuff at that. At Boran, Kimj asks Ethan and Kelly if they could imagine being on Survivor with a girl who looks at herself in the mirror and applies makeup the whole time. Well, the girls have Bobbi Brown around to do it for them; I spotted her -- enshrubbed -- in the first challenge. And if you think I mean '80s pop singer Bobby Brown (it's his prerogative), go buy yourself a copy of In Style. It's time. Kelly says a makeup-crazed girl would be the first person voted off.
Bluesy-sounding music plays as Clarence primps. In a confessional, he tells us that the camouflage paint is his luxury item. Remember when people in the forums thought his luxury item was camouflage pants? Hee. Those were the days. Clarence says that the makeup puts him in the mood to be the tribe's "warrior" -- as opposed to being the tribe's Hamburglar. Clarence seeks through his makeup to become for Boran "an instrument of [the tribe's] decisions." Kelly objects: "Clarence and his war paint is just a testament to his selfishness." Clarence and his war paint, however, are no match for Colby's Mom and her makeup. Kelly tells us that Stila doesn't fly in the bush. She makes lots of squinty exaggerated faces that surely embarrassed her and her entire family when this aired. Kelly asks Ethan and Kimj if they would think she was weird if she started "putting [her] socks in [her] boobs." There's some more breast grabbing here. (Kelly grabbing her own breasts, that is.) Kimj says stuff like war paint doesn't matter out there, but I think it's mean that they're harping on him for his luxury item. Kelly's knitting needles are no different. I can't bust on Kimj's because those paints came in handy. In a confessional, a perplexed-sounding Ethan says that Clarence painted his abs, "you know, with his makeup." Ethan continues telling us that Clarence put makeup between his "ab marks" to make them stand out. Ethan thinks it's stupid and silly and besides, Clarence won't share his body-enhancing makeup, so it makes Ethan's abs look worse by comparison. Lex tells us, "It's obviously not cool to laugh at your tribe members but...the makeup..." Kelly was in a sorority in college and she's never seen anyone as vain as Clarence. She then says, "Whatever, though, who am I to talk? It's his luxury item. Have fun. Paint yourself up like a little clown." Nasty hee. Kimj asks Clarence if he does this at home; he says he does it for paintball: "I just got into paintball with some people that I met." Poor Clarence is way too naïve to be on this show. "Some people that I met"? Kimj says that isn't what she meant: she just doesn't understand what being in Africa has to do with the war paint. Clarence replies, "When I get the paint on, it's just time to go to war -- time to feel stronger." Lex tells us that Clarence's cosmetic artistry is ridiculous because of where they are. But a two-year-old's high tops are perfectly reasonable. He adds, "If nothing else, having Clarence around -- it's good for humor." Okay, spoon man. Throughout this segment, Clarence painstakingly applies and reapplies the black makeup to various parts of his body. The segment closes with a slow-motion, backlit shot of the same.
And onto more stuff you already knew and already didn't care about: Oldskool wanted Silas and Silas knew the damn game. Linda's still buried in the bottom of the Hoover Damn. Lindsey and Silas are still close talkers. Silas still looks like Superman. Make that Bizarro Superman. Kimj still bites it in the first reward challenge. Jessie's lips are still nasty. Later, I bet she'll still get voted off.
Seriously, they should have called this Survivor: A Look at Ridiculous People Doing Ridiculous Things. I bet more people would have tuned in. Because Peachy now tells us in a voice-over that Frank "decided to prepare [for the immunity challenges] in his own special way." Frank does runner's stretches, and I think this whole segment can't possibly be devoted to the fact that Frank doesn't want to suffer a pulled hamstring. Luckily, this is going elsewhere. Way elsewhere. In a confessional, Frank tells us that, before challenges, he "makes it a point to go over dere" -- "over dere" meaning the flagpole and "dere" meaning "there" -- with the deer antlers that are his luxury item. He says, "And I begin striking 'em together." We then see shots of Frank maniacally hitting the deer antlers against each other and against the Samburu flagpole. Huh? And what? He explains that the process is like "two mature white-tail North American bucks fighting." He keeps swatting them at each other and at the flagpole. They look like really pissed-off finger puppets. In a confessional, Lindsey tries to keep a straight face as she tells us that Frank "freaks out with them." She then scrunches up her face and swipes her hands at each other in an amusing and disbelieving imitation of Frank that brings Lindsey up a couple notches on the Scale of Hate. Plus, no tears! Brandon, Kimp, and Lindsey stand around and discuss Frank's odd habit -- Brandon calls the antlers "antennas." Kimp thinks that Frank's behavior is "quite the scene," and Brandon agrees that "it is something to see." His voice dripping with sarcasm (I'd had his voice dripping with something else here, but my husband made me take it out), Brandon tells us that Frank brought the antlers as his luxury item, "and he, like, bangs 'em together, like two sumpins [sic] fighting, you know, like this big testosterone stud." I hereby challenge any of our graphically talented MightyBigTV readers to come up with a program of Frank and Brandon and Lindsey doing their versions of the Antler Dance. Remember the Gerbil Dance page that was all over the internet during the first season and how someone turned it into the Richard Hatch Dance? Then, Brandon moisturizes. In a confessional Frank goes into his "special" place and says he wants the others to see his frantic deer antler puppetry and think, "you know, 'what is he doing?' And the hitting on the ground and their paws on the ground and their bodies hitting, you know, and smashing and I want 'em to see." And not because he wants to make the others afraid to go to sleep at night, but because he wants them to see him getting into the challenge spirit and do the same. The tribe continues to gawk at Frank.
I wonder if anyone will recap Martha Stewart: Home for the Holidays and, if so, how long it will take that recapper to poke his or her own eyes out with a hand-made Christmas tree ornament and then decoupage his or her ears shut.
An elephant mugs for the camera. Special! A monkey scratches himself. Highlight! Samburu bonds over piggybacking monkeys. Well, that is special. Bring on the piggybacking monkeys!
Day 6 brings a pep talk from Teresa. I believe that, when this episode aired, we were supposed to think Silas initiated this tribal conversation. Teresa laments the "tension and the friction" amongst the tribe members, and Silas insists that they're together. Brandon has been hearing differently, though, and he has "very perceptive ears." Carl points out that there are rumors about all of them being the voted off. He then calls Brandon "Branford"; at first, we thought he called him "Brenda," which would have been a really mean thing to do since no one is as witchy as Brenda Walsh. Brandon matter-of-factly corrects him, and makes Carl look very bad. Teresa tells the others that they don't know what will happen down the road, but they know for sure they'll be picked off one by one if they don't win challenges. Silas talks and then makes a face at someone. Or maybe he grimaces. After all, he's only got two expressions.
Here comes the gross food challenge. There's alwaysa gross food challenge. Remember that Kelly said she'd eat anything? And then remember that Kelly flailed and lost the challenge for Boran? I remember that.
And I just knew it! Jessie's the to go, and she takes her nasty chapped lips with her.
Lions then stalk Boran and it's real, okay? Then the tribes roll their spray-painted boulders, and Boran wins clean drinking water. On Day 8, Silas puts on a necklace, and Oldskool is annoyed by Playskool's immaturity. Silas tells us that unless the young people bond together, they'll be voted off one by one. He then says, "I'm not goin' out that way." No, not that way.
The Blair Witch has apparently stolen a camera and is filming a treemail investigation. The clue reveals the distress signal challenge, when Lindsey got dehydrated from kicking trees and Tom said my favorite quote. And because we should all get some joy out of this recap, I'll repeat it here: "We got a black man with white tighties on; got a big fat man with a flag wavin'; we got two little skinny men with flags runnin' around; woman in her thong there; we got a young lady shakin' bacon up there," and "if that don't stop the plane, I wanna talk to the pilot." I didn't memorize that. Really. Feather crackery and thong-runnage ensues. La la la!
Lindsey then thanks God, because Carl knows lots about teeth but little about Africa and loses the deadlocked Tribal Council tiebreaker. Maybe Lindsey doesn't thank God. Playskool takes control of Samburu, and you don't want to fuck with Lindsey. She then flies off the deep end. Or whatever weird assortment of words issue forth from Silas's mouth. And here comes Linda's rant about wanting to be "on the team." My husband made me fast-forward through this part because just contemplating watching it again was too painful for him. Linda then disses Lindsey's momma, but we find out here that she actually apologized to Lindsey for this. In a confessional, she seems earnestly contrite as she slaps herself and tells us it was a low and totally inappropriate thing to say. She says she apologized at the first opportunity. We see Linda approach a pouting Lindsey and say that her words were "totally uncalled for." Lindsey accepts this apology in a predictably ungracious manner, replying, "I would never say that about your kids." Linda then asks to be forgiven, and Lindsey forgives her. Aw. But not. I think this is all a giant ploy by Linda to get hugged. Linda keeps calling Lindsey "baby" and "honey" throughout their interaction. Lindsey blames the tense situation on the fact that Survivor is an emotional game, and then claims that Linda revealed a new, terrifying side of herself. So the two freak shows make up and head off for a challenge.
Kimj costs Boran another victory. I could have written that after almost every challenge. She's vulnerable, we know. Of course, by the time we see this special, Kimj's at a point in the game where she's distinctly not vulnerable, so whatever.
At Samburu, they have "finally come together...at least for a while." We learn that the tribe won an ostrich egg in the reward challenge, and it boosted everyone's morale. Frank holds the egg like it's a football and asks, "Who wants to go long?" Teresa tells us she's heard that the giant egg is the equivalent of twenty-four chicken eggs; it was interesting for her to watch the others crack and shell it. Lindsey and Frank work together to open up the egg. They have to dust it off in an effort to avoid getting shells mixed in with the yolk. They then pour the egg innards out. Lindsey tells us that the eggshell is "like porcelain" and "if you get any shell, watch out" because it's very sharp. Frank says in a confessional that he's never seen or eaten an ostrich egg before, but that he'd "hate to carry a dozen of 'em home." Kimp and Lindsey prepare the egg, and the other members of Samburu act like Kimj and Lindsey laid the egg. They keep congratulating them on an egg well scrambled. They're egg-shell-ent! Frank tells us it was a "beautiful breakfast" and that it picked up their spirits. He says that "people are stuffin' their stomachs," and it made for a great morning.
Good thing they had that challenge where they learned to relocate their camp efficiently, because later in the season they'll have someone else to do it for them. Silas reveals his master plan for Tribal Council voting, and Frank cracks up over it in a confessional. At the Tribal Council, Peachy tells us that Playskool showed Silas -- by voting for him instead of Lindsey -- "what they thought of his plan." He doesn't say they thought it was dog doody. Linda gets voted off anyway, and is currently serving time in jail having been apprehended after being implicated in a Boston area hugging spree. "Things were not looking good for Teresa and Frank," but things weren't looking good for the ratings either, and so The Powers that Be Mark Burnett stepped in to work their magic.
Then, a "note arrive[s] that change[s] everything." Silas, Frank, and Teresa of Samburu and Tom, Lex, and Kelly of Boran get freaky Friday-ed. Mixed up tribal confusion ensues: Boran members work hard; Samburu members are lazy. Tom goes to live at Frank's house and Frank goes to live at Tom's house and their parents get remarried! I then christen the tribes Boranew and Sambutwo to avoid confusion.
At Sambutwo, Brandon suggests that they take new partners on night watch duty so that they can get to know each other better. He says he'll be the bad guy and claim the first watch, and Tom says he'll go with him. In a confessional, Tom tells us that everything in Africa -- the weather, the animals, etc. -- are a challenge, "and then here you are in camp with a powder puff." We see Tom and Brandon sitting side by side in the dark looking awkward...or post-coital. Tom continues in his confessional that the first thing he had to do was ask Brandon "straight up" about his sexuality -- to get it off his own shoulders "and get the burden out." Tom tells Brandon, "Well, you'll have to tell me a little bit more about your lifestyle. I got a lot of questions." Brandon says, "About what?" and Tom shit-mouths -- or is it Tom-mouths? -- "Well, uh, are you, uh...are you gay?" Brandon curtly answers, "Uh huh. I am." Tom then says, "See when I saw you, you know, we didn't know each other, I said, ah, 'Hell, I think he's gay!'" He also says he thought, "He's pretty!" Brandon, I think, says, "I wish I was." Oh, Brandon, you're so very pretty with your pretty blue eyes, and you don't even know it! Tom tells Brandon that he hasn't ever known a gay man, and Brandon PSAs that "a lot of people know 'em; they just don't know 'em." Tom begins a story about getting in trouble in a gay bar when he was in college; thankfully, we don't hear the resolution of this jolly tale. We cut to bitchy but good-natured Brandon telling us in a confessional about his Tom time. He says, "He'd gone to a gay bar or something, I don't even know, I really wasn't payin' that much attention to him. You know, with Big Tom you can't get mad about anything he says because he says it with a smile. I mean, he's very funny." And Brandon is very tolerant. I'd like to see these guys in the final two. In a confessional Tom says, "That's his life and I guess if that's the way you wanna live it, have at it. But it sure ain't mine." No kidding. Back at camp, Brandon points out that he and Tom have the most in common of all the S16 because they both grew up on farms. He sweetly says, "At least we can talk about food...and iced tea." The two then continue -- under the pointedly starry sky -- to reminisce over country fried chicken and "popcorn bread and beans." Brandon says he misses "cornbread dipped in buttermilk," and we pan away from them with Tom reminiscing that his grandparents did that all the time but he "never did acquire the taste for it."
A clue we were spared the first time around -- some poor, neglected poet's hopes dashed to hell -- is about a "guide show[ing] the way" and advises the tribes "not to stray." Boranew concludes that it's a challenge in which the tribe will be blindfolded and one member will lead the others. Kimj tells us it's a "follow-the-leader type of thing and whatever." In a confessional, Silas says the tribe thinks it's a "round up your group" sort of challenge. He says, "Don't ask me how we got this idea." Um, how about from the last season of Survivor? Frank thinks the challenge will involve "get[ting] us all into one area like we were cows." Or goats. Now there's a thought. Frank tells us that someone in the tribe nominated him as leader. We then see him moving the other Boranew members around military-style -- left, right, left. He adds, "Soccer players, too." Hee. And it probably was a trial keeping Ethan from spontaneously ejecting. Silas tells us that Frank's efforts were "an army cadence deal." In a confessional, Frank reveals that his brother will be critiquing his technique from home because he is a first sergeant in the 82nd Airborne. Frank is concerned because there's a lot of stuff he hasn't "brushed up on." We then see an example of this as Frank tells his tribe to "sidestep" but doesn't tell them in what direction. Nevertheless, Kimj tells us that "within ten minutes [they] were, you know, a uniform line going around there." A sharp "about face" from Frank brings hugs. I think Ethan is terribly good-natured -- he can be my television boyfriend, even if he sounds like Dawson. Silas says to Frank, "Come 'ere, Daddio!" Not that any of that training matters in the end -- and I'm sure Mark Burnett and Just Peachy had a good laugh together over this one -- because the challenge turns out to be about rounding up goats. Despite their off-target practice, Boranew is still victorious. Back at camp, the discussion immediately turns to the immunity challenge. Blah blah blah throwitcakes. Puzzling happens in the challenge, and then Silas gets voted out "without his former alliance to protect him."
Later, Sambunew wins some sandwiches, someone burps really loudly, and "strategies [are] once again at full throttle." Kelly and her snoopy ears and her wiggle walk "caught wind" of Playskool's plot to throw suspicion away from Lindsey's votes. Lindsey can't "fuckin' believe that Brandon didn't whisper." Lindsey might vote with Boran, or she might not. In the end, a deadlocked Tribal Council results in her "votes finally [coming] back to haunt her." For us, those votes are like sweet little piggybacking baby angels.
Will they merge or won't they? The suspense is kind of gone from that question now. Boranew debates whether they should pack for the merge even if they're not sure when or if it will happen. Kelly has a blister that's not nearly as nasty as Jessie's puckered pucker. The tribe decides to put everything they absolutely need in a basket in case, according to Tom, they need to "haul ass." Lex bangs his shoes together and Brandon complains that "these backpacks are very limited." Tom tells us it's like "waiting on a bus and the bus didn't come." We learn that the tribe can't sit still any longer in anticipation of the merge, so they head off to the water hole, where Kimj comments that there have been many visitors since their last trip. Clarence says, "And I thought that was just mud." They then proceed to wash their clothes and bodies in the poopy water. Kimj washes out her black thong and says, "The good thing is with only two pair of underwear you don't have a lot of laundry to do." Ethan stands guard, because the tribe saw a water buffalo the other day, and it scared them. Then, he randomly falls over. He doesn't, but he should have. He has good posture. I bet he drinks a lot of milk. Kimj tells us that Ethan is holding the spear and will make noise if he sees anything threatening. Ethan says he's more on guard now because there has been a lot of elephant and giraffe activity since the trees are seeding. He tells us they're expecting a reward challenge or the merger.
On Day 20, Clarence still thinks raising your hand is "sumpin' [sic] nasty." Then they merge, and Teresa wins immunity. But first we get a hysterical montage of bucket of water dropping on heads. Except not so hysterical. Clarence attempts to bargain; Teresa flirts with insanity. Then paper covers rock and Teresa wins the immunity dog collar.
And in case you've forgotten this footage (which you just saw last week), Peachy tells us that, back at camp, the tribe scored a housewarming present and "shared wine and personal stories." Teresa still had sex on an airplane and Frank still wanted to get it over with -- the story telling, not the sex on the airplane with Teresa. Frank and an elephant perform an interpretive ballet about the juxtaposition of man and beast living side by side in the wild. It's up for an Emmy. Then the merged Moto Maji goes to Tribal Council and gangs up on Clarence, but Teresa keeps her promise and votes for Lex. So Clarence heads home and the others become finalists and members of the jury. We close the episode with Peachy telling us that, in the eighteen days, the remaining S9 will experience "the land, the culture, and the game in ways unlike any survivors before them." He wants us to join them -- and we want you to join us at Mighty Big TV because we don't want to suffer alone -- as the adventure continues.
week on Survivor, the tribes compete for an unusual Africa-related reward. Playskool and Oldskool contemplate forming an unlikely alliance, and Lex wants to cut someone's head off. We hope he plans to do so only metaphorically.
And I take leave of you with the ultimate memorable highlight and never-before-seen footage: Boran members having the hiccups.