I'd Never Do It to You

Previously on Survivor, all bets were off as the tribes were re-divided. In a Boranew Tribal Council, Silas had the wool pulled over his eyes, got the short end of the stick, let the door hit him on the way out, and then took the long road home.

It's Night 15 at Boranew -- chickens cluck and a panther stalks. Although we're supposed to think otherwise, those two events are unrelated. Boranew discusses the just-completed Tribal Council, in which Silas got the smackdown. Ethan thinks that because Peachy mentioned the merger during one of his questions, it's still likely to occur despite his latter warning about the perils of assumption-making in Survivor. I'm amazed Peachy didn't pull out the old ass out of "u" and of "me" shtick. Kimj feels that if there is going to be a change in the format of the show, the merger will happen sooner than later. This is her "gut feeling." It was also her gut feeling to dump out the tribe's water supply, but she doesn't mention that. Frank points out that they should all just steel themselves for whatever might happen. In a confessional, Ethan says that since Peachy put it in their heads that it might not happen, "the whole thing with the merge is drivin' [him] insane." He explains to the others in his tribe that the food supply has been rationed to end just prior to the anticipated merge date. If the tribes don't merge, Boranew will run out of food in three days. I don't know why the other members of Boranew aren't equally aware of their own food situation. They continue to debate how best to prepare for the ambiguous coming days, and Clarence wants to know whether they should further ration their food or continue according to their plans. Kimj points out that they have three chickens, as well. In the end, Boranew decides to prepare for the worst because, as Ethan tells us, "What will happen if [the merge] is in ten days? We're screwed!"

At Sambutwo, Tom and Lex are on sentry duty, whispering about having had a long shift. Lex tells us in a confessional that he and Tom endured at least a five-hour watch, whereas Playskool only takes shifts of about one and a half hours. Lex says, "These guys have no concept of what a three-hour shift is," and that they just "dump a log on the fire and go to bed." Kelly has joined Tom and Lex at some point, and they further discuss Playskool's negligent ways. ["Here's a thought: after three hours, wake up someone else and go to bed instead of bitching about it." -- Wing Chun] Kelly says that she thinks Lindsey's heart is in the right place. Lex agrees that Lindsey is a "sweet girl," but Tom just thinks she's a big whiner. Lex tells us it was "painfully obvious" upon his arrival at Sambutwo that Playskool was on Survivor for "a little resort vacation." He says they are in Africa to nap, eat, and cook a couple of meals. Lindsey approaches Tom and Lex to ask how long their last shift was. Lex snarks that it was "at least five hours," and Lindsey responds with disbelief. I hate Playskool, but really it seems like it should be the responsibility of the people who are actually awake to regulate a timely switch in sentry duties. ["My point." -- Wing Chun] In a confessional, Lindsey says, "This whole switcheroo thing has made everyone's minds kind of go crazy," and they are all stressed out. She knows they're supposed to be two new tribes now, but it's impossible not to think of old tribal allegiances. Lex wonders to Tom which member of Boranew got voted off; then we see Lindsey tell Kelly that Frank was the likely target and that "everyone will vote for him." She gets cut off before she can conclude, "But then again, I'm delusional." In a confessional, Kelly tells us that Sambutwo is curious about what happened at Boranew's Tribal Council, because it will have a huge effect on their own situation. Lex is concerned that "Kimj may have gotten canned." In a confessional, Tom explains that if Sambutwo loses the immunity challenge, they will most likely face a 3-3 Tribal Council. He points out that the key to winning that Tribal Council is knowing what's happened at past Tribal Councils in terms of who has votes against them. Lindsey continues to obsess over her situation and her four votes. She then puckers up and says, "I'm glad we got you guys," to the new tribe, while Brandon makes a face behind her back. They all agree about having "lucked out" in getting re-divided. The only two people who actually got lucky in the re-division aren't even in this tribe: Frank and Teresa. Lindsey tells us in a confessional that she's trying to cover her ass because she doesn't want the others to be aware of her precarious situation. She insists, "I mean, I set a goal for myself. And I am the kind of person that when I set a goal, I'm gonna achieve it." Snicker.

Back at Boranew, the camera pans over the graveyard where used cans go to die. Seriously, that's a lot of very large food cans. Country-and-western-sounding music plays as we move into the "starvation" segment. Because people from the south are just poor, dumb, starving rednecks. (Baltimore, just so you know, is below the Mason-Dixon line.) Clarence tells us that he can't stop thinking about food: "I dream about food; I think about food when I'm eating food. I think about food 24/7." I tend to think about food when I'm eating it, too. He does not tell us that when he looks at Frank, he sees Frank's head on a drumstick body. The tribe sits around together, and Clarence wants to know whether there are any eggs yet. Teresa tells him that, so far, they're eggless, and Clarence gets excited because that means it's "chopping-block day!" Frank says that they'll have to keep an eye on him around the chickens. He doesn't mention that he's seen Clarence watching him while licking his lips and sharpening a butcher's knife. This tribe has fun together -- even Clarence is laughing at himself and seems aware of the ridiculousness of the situation. He says, "I will not deny it. I will have a homicidal killing [sic] about those damned chickens." Various members of Boranew fluster about the chickens. Teresa confers with Kimj and Ethan about what they each want to do about the "chicken situation." Teresa says she'd rather have eggs, but she doesn't know whether that will happen. In a confessional, Ethan says that some people -- like Clarence -- want to eat the chickens right away, while others want to wait for the egg-laying to commence. Would three chickens lay enough eggs in a day to sufficiently feed five people anyway? Ethan then points out that it will be a complete waste of chickens if they indeed have a merger and are forced to leave them behind. Clarence stares at the chickens and says, "Chicken nuggets." Kimj asks, "Are they acting like they're thinking about laying eggs?" Clarence says, "Hell, no!" As Clarence fusses with the chicken cage, he says, "I'm breaking straw for your little asses. Lay some eggs." In a confessional, Frank tells us that the chickens are "presently still up for debate," and that the tribe will decide their fate after the reward challenge.

Clarence and Frank check the mail, hoping the challenge won't have anything to do with goats or chickens. Then they realize that doesn't make much sense coming from supposedly starving people, so Clarence adds, "The only animal I want is something that's gonna be on a plate. That I could eat." The clue is written on a long piece of tickertape, and is about "stick[ing] with your tribe." Unfortunately, it rhymes "Make your way to the bottom" with "Just give us your answers -- that is if you've got 'em." It also announces that the winning tribe will get lunch. Ethan says, "Maybe we'll go someplace and have a nice sit-down lunch/dinner." Kimj thinks the important part of the clue is the "mak[ing] your way to the bottom" part. Ethan thinks the challenge might be a giant board game. Kimj then asks how comfortable the other members of Boranew are with the information in the survival book they were given; Frank makes a so-so face. Kimj tells us in a confessional that the challenge might be "something sort of cerebral." She doesn't say that it can't be too cerebral, because otherwise it would be unfair to Tom. In any case, she tells us that they've been studying their survival manual, "hoping that we can win us the free lunch."

Sambutwo smilingly approaching the challenge, until Lindsey can clearly see the new Boranew tribe and starts anxiously whispering, "Silas is gone! Silas is gone! Oh my God!" The tribes line up facing each other and Peachy says, "Sambutwo, get your first look at the latest member of Boranew to be voted out." ["Which is unfortunate syntax, since they can't look at Silas when he...you know, isn't there anymore." -- Wing Chun] While the camera pans over their expressions, we see that Kimj is giving a big thumbs-up to her former tribe members, who are grinning. Playskool pretends they're not surprised to see that Silas is gone.

Peachy stops gloating and starts talking about the challenge. He says that the tribes will answer a series of questions about Africa while sitting on bleachers. Yes, bleachers. Now I know this is filmed on the set of Bug Juice; Kelly must feel right at home here. With each correct answer, the tribes will move down one row on the bleachers. Whichever tribe reaches the finish line first wins the prize. Peachy then busts out a tray with a single can of Mountain Don't and a cup; the competitors look amazed and shocked. Tom makes pig noises and can barely contain himself when Peachy says, "It's cold, too." Because warm Mountain Don't would be some kind of prize. Peachy lets each competitor have a taste, and they all act as if the gag reflexes don't kick in just thinking about it. Peachy then ruins the whole advertisement deal with Pepsi-Cola by saying the Mountain Don't is only "just a little bit of a tease" because the real reward is a "nice little buffet" of pasta, sandwiches, and cookies. Peachy realizes that his foot is in his mouth and adds, "Not to mention all the Mountain [Don't] you can drink." This takes me to a very bad place.

Tom sits out on Sambutwo because they have an extra person. The first question asks whether the closest ocean to Kenya is the Atlantic Ocean. Both Sambutwo and Boranew say it is not, and they're both right -- actually, it's the Indian Ocean. , Peachy asks if, to save the elephant population in Kenya, military rangers are instructed to shoot to kill poachers. Both tribes think that one is true, and they're both right. The question states that, on safari, there is a group of animals known as "the big five," which includes the elephant, the rhino, the buffalo, and the lion. Peachy wants to know which other animal is considered one of the "big five": the leopard, tiger, giraffe, or hippo? Kimj insists to her tribe that she knows the answer, so of course we know they'll get the question wrong. Boranew guesses hippo, and Sambutwo guesses leopard. Sambutwo is correct, and Kim apologizes to her tribe. The question asks, "Diurnal is a term to describe what?" There's lots of different choices to pick from here, but both tribes agree that the answer is animals that are "more prevalent by day," and they're both right. Ethan has some difficulties scooting down the bleachers. Sambutwo, meanwhile, is told to stand, because they've reached their final bleacher step. The clue asks whether Kenya's Lake Victoria is the world's largest saltwater lake. Both tribes think the answer is false, and they're both right. Peachy then gleefully points out that it's a trick question, because not only is Lake Victoria not the largest, but it's not saltwater, either. He sure got them. Except he didn't. Boranew watches Sambutwo attack the sandwiches while Clarence looks particularly sad. Kelly shoves an entire sandwich in her mouth, and Brandon and Lindsey agree that they like the shortbread cookies best. As they toast each other with Mountain Don't, Lex says, "We're breakin' bread proper." Boranew finally wises up and decides to stop torturing themselves by watching the other team pig out. As they leave the challenge site, Teresa says, "Bon appétit," and Kimj wishes them a good weekend. They have weekends out there? I barely have weekends here at home.

At Boranew, The Music of Imminent Tribal Hijinx plays. Clarence announces to the tribe that he wants to be a food critic for the rest of his life. He wants to be the "man's man" food critic -- the "meat and potatoes food critic." What? Women can't like meat and potatoes? Tell that to my mother-in-law, for whom the phrase "Would you like a nice ham?" is a daily utterance. He says, "When people see me comin', they'd better be on their game. Their french fries better be extra-greasy. Your pancakes better be extra fluffy." He continues, "Let the rest of the food critics all [sic] those fancy French sushi places." Various tribe members are amused, and Frank tell us in a confessional that Clarence is having the hardest time "controlling finding his fingers on some fried chicken, more or less." He doesn't blame Clarence, but down the road, he knows the chickens might prove to be a valuable part of the tribe's strategy, so they should wait before carving them up. Clarence tells us that his tribe members are "of the opinion that given the right environment," the chickens will lay eggs. In a confessional, Teresa says that Frank wants to put out a net so that the chickens can run and play. She cracks up, but tries to hide it, which is cute. We see Frank trying to make the coop more comfortable for the chickens and concluding, "I think that's better for 'em, don't you?" Clarence tells the chickens, "One of you say your goodbyes." He pokes at the cage, and a chicken snaps at him. Frank says, "She's telling you!" Hee. Clarence tells the chickens not to be mad. In a confessional, he says that as much as his tribemates are joking about the chickens, he's serious. He sharpens a knife very seriously. Because he's serious. He then says, "You know, I talked to each one of the chickens personally, and I've informed them that, you know, they're on notice." Kim says, "Last night you told 'em you loved 'em..." And Clarence responds that indeed he did, adding, "I also told 'em, you know, you got twenty-four hours to lay an egg -- and now technically it'll be forty-eight hours -- so that's on them." He swears that he'll give the chickens a reprieve if there's an egg in the morning. Kimj yells to the others, "Clarence says if we find an egg in the morning, the chicken lives..." The chickens look very alert because they fully comprehend the situation.

At Sambutwo, Lindsey tells Kelly of Boranew, "They have no idea that all of us over here are totally getting along." Of course, it doesn't cross her mind that Boranew might be really getting along and not lying about getting along to avoid being voted off. Later, Lindsey tells us that she and Kelly have bonded. In a discussion between Brandon and Kimp, Brandon insists, "I think they really like all three of us, but that has nothing to do with it." We interrupt this conversation, but it seems like he's responding to something Kimp said -- which is highly unlikely since we've yet to hear her say a single thing of significance. Brandon insists that they can't let the other Sambutwo tribe members vote for Lindsey because that will mean -- within the six to eight days -- the end for him and Kimp too, and "that's not good enough." Kimp explains in a confessional about the tiebreaker rule. We then see Brandon tell her that the other members of the tribe will vote for him instead of her because he's "not trying to be nice to them."

It's morning at Boranew, and the chickens make loud "we're awake, and we got an egg in here!" noises. Or, they're clucking because someone has just slipped a white, round and foreign object into their coop. Kimj checks the cage and tells us that, at first, she didn't notice anything usual, but then she discovered an egg. She puts it in her pocket and shuffles to the campsite whistling and trying to look nonchalant. Frank is on to her instantly, and responds, "I'll be damned!" Kimj then reveals the egg and sets it on a little tray on the ground, where it looks dangerously close to being stomped on by Ethan. Teresa ambles over and responds in a very open-mouthed way. And then, what we've all been waiting for: Clarence slowly walks over to join the others, spots the egg, puts his hands on his hips, and stares at it. He then exclaims, "Aw hell, no, come on!" while the other members of Boranew hoot and giggle. Ethan yells, "No chicken for you!" as Clarence continues to rant. He goes over to the chickens and says, "I hate you and you and you and you, and you did it just to spite me so whatever." He then points out that they laid "the smallest egg possible." It is a small egg -- how many people can an egg that small feed, anyway? Clarence sits back down and continues to stare down the offensive egg. He's worried that if they scramble such a small egg, it will disappear. He's no friend of the chickens, but neither are the other members of Boranew, as Ethan reveals that they've decided to eat one of the chickens for dinner anyway. PETA is spared the chicken-killing, because suddenly the tribe is feasting. Well, most of the tribe is feasting, while Ethan is busy nastily slobbering all over his and everybody else's food. The chicken looks batter-fried, so I guess that cornmeal came in handy. In seasons, they've boiled the chickens, and it never looked very appetizing. On Pulau Tiga, if they'd had some cornmeal, they could have had some fried rat. I'd probably eat a doorknob if it was fried, but that's just me. In a confessional, Frank says that he and Teresa "have been smiling" since their arrival at the new camp. He thanks everyone for being so nice, and wishes he'd been in that tribe the whole time. Teresa says, "Now that was delicious," and we're supposed to think she's talking about the re-division, but it's entirely obvious she's talking about the chicken dinner.

It's now Day 18 at Sambutwo, and Kelly berates herself, because during the reward challenge, Kimj had been signaling to her, but she hadn't understood. She tells us Kimj was making an "L" with her fingers; Kelly thought she was making the "loser" sign, but has just now figured out that she was signaling that Lindsey had votes against her. Kelly then tells us that Kimj was also holding up four fingers, and she concludes must be sign language for "B" to express that Brandon also has votes. This is the girl with the genius IQ? Meanwhile, Kimp tells Playskool that she witnessed the communications between the old Boran tribe members. In a confessional, Lindsey tells us that Boran was communicating, but she doesn't if it was about her Tribal Council history. We then see Kelly telling Lex and Tom that they need to go with their safest bet during the Tribal Council. Lex says in a confessional that they're pretty confident Brandon has a vote against him because "if there was anybody Frank was going to throw a vote at just on principle alone," it would have been Brandon. Where's the principle in that? Lex's confessional is conveniently placed to make us believe that he and Tom and Kelly have concluded that Brandon is indeed "the safest bet," but anyone who's ever watched this show knows differently. Brandon tells us that he doesn't have any votes against him, so he still thinks he has a pretty good shot in the game. He points out that Lindsey does have votes, and that if she's voted off, all of Playskool is finished. We then see Brandon tell Kimp and Lindsey that Boran will assume he has a vote against him from Frank. Playskool decides to vote against "Big Tom," because they agree that in a 3-3 tie between Brandon and Tom, Brandon would win the trivia quiz. Brandon tells us he can't think of a question Tom would know that he wouldn't. I'll bet Tom would know a lot more about goat farming, or what it feels like to have a fifty-pound beer gut. As Brandon talks, we see shots of Tom looking oafish, including a basket-on-the-head balancing attempt. I'm surprised they didn't dredge up the footage of him acting like an elephant, which I would have enjoyed viewing again. Kimp tells us that voting for Tom is a better bet than voting for Kelly -- who she describes as a "walking thesaurus" -- or Lex. Brandon is confident in his abilities to answer the trivia questions, and he is willing to "take a bullet" for Lindsey. Brandon then requests a group hug from the others, and Lindsey responds more enthusiastically than she did when Linda committed her assault and huggery on the tribe. As they hug, I'm fairly sure Brandon says, "Cooter."

Boranew is still plotting. There's lots of plotting in this episode and very little action, but it's still a good one: a definite case of the ends justifying the means. Teresa and Ethan hope that the Boran members of Sambutwo got their message about Lindsey's votes. So they're all in on it? How positively, fried chickenly delicious! The clue for the Immunity Challenge is accompanied by a bow and arrow; the message is about "hitting a target" that "might seem easy." Teresa and Ethan are happy because Frank is a hunter and thus will be able to teach the whole tribe how to shoot. Frank then tells us he's "proficient -- somewhat -- in archery," and was thus immediately "thrust into the limelight." Frank instructs various Sambutwo members, and Clarence tells us in a confessional that he's learned Frank is a teacher and loves instruction. He also thinks it comes "mostly from the military in terms of giving orders." We watch Frank halt a lesson because Clarence is pointing his bow and arrow in the wrong direction and "it's like havin' a gun right now in [his] hand." Clarence then tells us that this challenge is important because even though Boranew has a one-person lead on paper, everything is still up in the air.

Both tribes arrive at the challenge, where Peachy is waiting to take the immunity idol from Lindsey. He says, "As you can see, we have some fire, nice and smoky burning." I love nice and smoky burning things. The challenge will test bow-and-arrow proficiency: each tribe has five targets to hit with lighted arrows in a thirty to seventy-foot range. One member from each tribe will shoot at a time, and Kelly is chosen to sit out for Sambutwo. Kimp and Teresa go first, and neither of them lights a target. Lindsey and Kimj are second, and Lindsey gets a point for Sambutwo. You gotta hate that. Brandon's arrow kind of drops at his feet; he squeals while Tom shakes his head in the background. Meanwhile, you can clearly see Ethan's mouth form the word "Bitch" as he misses his own shot. I like that boy more and more. Clarence and Lex each explode a target. Frank and Tom both miss and Peachy rubs it in: "Two good shots, two misses." This is followed by a fairly short montage of misses, and then Ethan hits another target. Lex gets another one, too, and then Frank misses again. Maybe Frank needs his very own lessons. I hear Geena Davis is looking for work. Lindsey nearly ignites herself with the lighted arrow, and then Ethan gets yet another hit, followed by another by Tom, as well. This might be the easiest challenge they've ever had on all three seasons of Survivor. It's now Lindsey's turn, and the editing tries to make this seem very suspenseful -- because she could win the challenge for her tribe -- but then she misses. Ethan is -- it always seems to be Ethan's turn -- and he hits the target and wins immunity for Boranew. As the tribe celebrates, Clarence picks Ethan up and whirls him around. Lex looks plaintively backward at the Boranew celebration as Sambutwo leaves the challenge; Ethan waves, but Lex's back is turned by then. It's just like Sleepless in Seattle when they keep just missing each other at the Empire State Building. Or not, because I haven't seen that movie in a long time and I have no real memory of what transpired in it, but it just seemed like the kind of wistful exchange that would happen between Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. It probably happened in You've Got Mail, too, but since I've never seen that movie and plan to go to my grave never having seen that movie, I wouldn't know.

Post-challenge, Sambutwo congratulates themselves for giving the challenge their best shot. In a confessional, Lex tells us that each member of the tribe is vulnerable. We see Lex approach Brandon; he says that they haven't talked yet about what will transpire at that night's Tribal Council, and Brandon snarks, "You're here tryin' to figure out if I have a vote." Lex denies having that particular mission, and says instead he's just there to inform Brandon that it's going to be a very difficult vote, because all of the former Boran members really like the Playskoolers. Brandon says that he knows Tribal Council isn't personal, and that he's totally prepared for whatever happens. In a confessional, Brandon insists that he knows he's going to draw the vote, but that he refuses to lose sleep over it anymore.

Brandon, Lindsey, and Kimp continue to whisper about the situation, and then Brandon freezes in place. The camera pans over to reveal Kelly hovering behind some bushes. Attempting to look nonchalant, she then quickly wiggle-walks away. You know, the I'm-positively-bustling-with- excitement-but-trying- not-to-show-it wiggle-walk? Lindsey is sure that Kelly overheard the discussion and gets pissed off, but instead of being pissed off at herself for being dumb enough to have a critical discussion about her own fate in so vulnerable a place, she tells us, "I can't fucking believe that Brandon didn't whisper and she was standing right there." Brandon was whispering; this clearly is just another desperate attempt by Lindsey to save her own ass by betraying a friend. Kelly tells Lex something, but does not tell us what she overheard. Kimp then tells Lindsey that, at this point, there's nothing they can do to fix the situation, but Lindsey thinks there is something they can do: "Vote with them." At first I thought she meant that Playskool should all vote for her so the others wouldn't have any votes against them. Kimp scratches herself as she also tries to figure out what Lindsey means. In a confessional, Lindsey explains that Brandon screwed over Playskool by talking above a whisper, so she doesn't feel bad about turning on him. She says it would just be playing the game to betray Brandon, and that she's all about securing her own position. We then see Kelly telling Lindsey, "So you wanna relinquish Brandon?" and giving her some time to think about it. Kelly and Tom discuss joining with Playskool to vote against Brandon, and Tom concludes, "Sounds like a kind of merger to me." Kimp is also in this conversation and asks, "And if we don't?" Tom says it will hurt everybody in the end. This is suddenly confusing. When is this conversation taking place? Part of me thinks this takes place prior to the discussion we just saw between Kimp and Lindsey, and that the idea for the turn on Brandon originated with Boran, but we'll never know. In any case, Kimp tells us she's not comfortable with voting against Brandon and won't do it because Brandon wouldn't -- no matter what -- do it to her. You go, Kimp, with your shiny new backbone. ["I was hoping that Kimp would go to Brandon, tell him how Lindsey wanted to sell him out, and that the episode would end in a 5-1 vote against Lindsey. As it is, the actual outcome pleased me almost as well." -- Wing Chun] Lindsey tells us in a confessional that she's in a "no-win situation." She can't decide whether to go against her "personal morals and values" by voting against Brandon. It would be a difficult choice if she had any morals or values. Lindsey tells us she won't know what she's going to do until she gets to Tribal Council.

The familiar trilly music plays as Sambutwo arrives at Tribal Council, and Peachy points out that it's the first time this "configuration" has been there. Lex says that the new tribe has "acclimated pretty well," but Brandon says he doesn't trust anyone in the game. Kimp believes that the game comes down to whether you play completely for yourself with no regard for other people, or whether you play according to your ethics and morals. She insists that there's no middle ground between the two. Kelly says that the original Samburu and Boran tribes still have loyalties, but that as they begin know their new tribemates, the voting becomes harder. All of these revelations are prompted by typically Peachy questions.

And now it's time for the vote. We don't see anything this time except Lindsey's turn. She says, "I hate having to vote for this person. I'd rather vote for myself right now. It's miserable." It looks like she's writing a "B" because of her strong downward stroke near the left edge of the paper, but we don't see the name. A shot of Brandon looking nave wants to fill in the blanks for us. That's all we get, and Peachy gleefully leaves to tally the votes.

The first two are for "Big Tom," who looks mildly concerned. The vote is for Lindsey, and Playskool is visibly shocked. Kimp's mouth drops open, and Brandon starts jerking around. As Lindsey's name is called again, Brandon earnestly apologizes to Lindsey, which is sad considering how quickly she was willing to consider turning on him. Lindsey realizes that she's going and keeps insisting that it's just a game, which might have helped if she'd bothered to acknowledge that earlier and not piss off people by taking everything so damn personally. Kimp cries as Lindsey's name continues to be called, and we end with a 3-3 tie. Lindsey gets up and starts hugging her tribe members. Peachy snaps, "Where you goin'? Sit it."