Last week on Survivor: The Barramundi camp washed away, and took Lamber along with it.
It's Day 34 at Barramundi. Rodger shuffles around camp with his hands in his pockets. As he attempts to clean up the mess left behind by the flood, he tells us that they don't know when it might rain again, and that the storm "took everything." Elisabeth tells Keith that she woke up so wet she thought she had gone to the bathroom in her sleep. I know there's a way for all the Elisabeth fans out there to find this commentary delightfully adorable, but it's too much information for me. They agree that being wet is draining. Colby tells us in an interview that, as the game nears its conclusion, he begins to think more about what's waiting for him at the end: food, family, and the ultimate reward -- pillows. Tina says she misses her family more than anything. She'd miss Dureet Toes more, but she's had some of those. In a cute voice, she explains that she's still "kind of a newlywed" because she's only been married for a year and a half. Her husband is her best friend and she misses picking up her son from school. Colby then tells us that Tina has reached "rock bottom." He says that Elisabeth's been a mess for a while and that "she's the one [they've] all tried to nurture"--but that he's never seen Tina in such a poor state. Elisabeth and Rodger sit and glumly speculate over whether they'll get a few dry days so that the water can recede. Elisabeth sweetly plucks something from Rodger's eyebrow -- an act, I think, of genuine affection -- and then tells us she's "really wrecked." Okay. So the S5 are really low. They miss their families. They need a pick-me-up. Wonder who -- I mean, what -- that'll be.
Last week I prematurely fêted the lack of clue poetry: it's an all-new masterpiece this week. Written on what looks like a long swipe of toilet paper, it's about a "loved one or mom" (suggesting that the two or mutually exclusive) and the agonizing "Survivor.com." ["Which is dumb, because the actual Survivor.com has nothing to do with the show. But I guess it's hard to rhyme CBS.com-slash-survivor." -- Wing Chun] Mark Burnett must employ greeting-card writers to dredge up this crap. Colby quickly figures out that they'll be competing against each other, with the help of their loved ones, online. The survivors are very excited to have some cyber contact with their relatives. Elisabeth starts wriggling around and squealing -- she does the Piggle Wiggle, which is a dance my dog does when she gets excited. In any case, it's a definite improvement on Richard's Hamster Dance from last season. She squeaks, "I can't even contain myself!" And really, she cannot. In an interview, and with very cute and professionally styled-looking hair, she tells us that her mother is her hero and that she got through cancer "like a trooper." She says she can do anything with her mother. I'm going to have to try the grass-for-ponytail-holders look.
Suddenly our S5 are at the "Outback Internet Café." No commentary I have could do justice to that assault on my sanity. Peachy tells them that, "thanks to technology," they will be able to chat online with their loved ones at home. A satellite feed -- awesome! A telephone -- nice! A photograph -- okay! But email? That just sucks. But the S5 manage to muster up some excitement as Peachy explains that their loved ones will answer a series of survival-related trivia questions; the survivor whose family answers the most questions correctly receives a "private thirty-minute chat" and a $500 care package for his/her family. Peachy says, "Point, click, shop -- twenty-four hours later they'll have a package," and either the scripting for this show is getting worse, or I'm maxed out on bad dialogue. The S5 hoot and holler over the credit card like they've never seen one before. It's too bad Kelly Wigleworth's not around, because she could explain the pros and cons of credit-card use. Peachy then tells them that it wouldn't be an internet café without coffee and danish, so the S5 get more free food for doing absolutely nothing. They each get to say initial hellos and Peachy says, "I'll pour you a cup of coffee, pick your favorite danish," because it's got to be about him.
Tina goes first, because she looks desperate. He fusses over pouring her a cup of coffee and goes on about the danish again. This danish thing is overdone; really, who gives a crap about a danish? Tina chats with her husband and children on a blueberry iMac. There's a family-cam at Tina's home, which shows us her unexpectedly young-looking husband and her expectedly young-looking children. My husband thought Tina's husband was one of her kids until I told him otherwise. He also guessed her age to be around fifty, so I don't think Tina would like my husband very much. Tina's daughter wears a lot of makeup. And I just realized something: from the first time I saw her, Tina reminded me of Dr. Laura crossed with Darva Conger crossed with Florence Henderson. And Florence Henderson hawks an oil product on television called Wesson. And Tina's last name just happens to be exactly that. Coincidence? I think not. In any case, either each family owns their own laptop, or Survivor provides them. But they're not blueberry iBooks, so what's the point? Tina's husband calls her "babe" and says, "Cool!" as he sends a message off. Tina reads it out loud and sasses, "You go girl!"
It's now Elisabeth's turn to talk to her mother, father, and unfortunate-looking brother. Her father has kooky glasses. Her brother has kooky glasses. And Elisabeth has kooky glasses. This must be the Kooky Eyewear Family. The other contestants look really happy for Elisabeth, as they did for Tina. Rodger and Colby snicker over something. Elisabeth weepily writes that she's "safe and sound" and signs her name "Bessy." The families and S5 must have been forced to read the messages -- both sent and received -- aloud. If they were going for sympathy, they took a wrong turn at "maudlin" and ended up at "cheesy." ["You're right. I still bawled, though." -- Wing Chun] Bessy's mother wastes precious emailing time telling Elisabeth that her brother and father are there. She then makes further good use of her sparsely allotted time by inquiring, "What's happening?" Elisabeth is sad because there's no time to tell them what's happening. She blows the blueberry iMac a kiss and scurries off. It's thirty days, people, not thirty years.
Rodger talks with his wife, daughter, and son-in-law. The son-in-law is trying to act very cool. On The Early Show, Mrs. Bingham talked about how she'd just learned to "do the computer," so this probably was a big deal for her. Peachy asks Rodger whether he sees "a little tear in [his] eye," and Rodger proudly says, "Yes, it is." His family writes that they're doing well, and that they miss him. Rodger's too chocked up to read this aloud and asks Peachy to do it for him. Peachy's like, "Great! More lines for me!" Elisabeth is very happy and excited for Rodger. Rodger says he knew he should have brought his sunglasses with him, and then grabs Peachy's arm and shakes it.
Katherine is Keith's girlfriend. She's twelve years old. He calls her "Peas," but she'd rather be called "Sweet Peas." She calls him "Carrots." He cries at his own writing because he's so moved by it.
Colby is last, and his mother is scary. Colby is a little confused and greets the "gang." I guess he expected others. Colby tells us that his mom is his best friend. Cool! Was she out carousing with him the night he got picked up passed out in a pool of his own vomit? From the looks of her, she might well have been. Colby then tells us that his mom always calls him "baby boy." He says it's because "[his] brothers are older than [he is]." Because I was wondering. Colby says that hearing his mother's voice -- er, reading his mother's words -- was what he needed. As Colby sobs his way back to the others, Rodger points out that the "three big strong men" broke down more than the ladies did.
Finally, it's challenge time. Tina's family goes first. Aren't the bigger groups of loved ones at an advantage? The question asks in which direction the sun rises in the southern hemisphere. Tina exclaims, "Oh my gosh, this is a good question for all of us!" Her husband knows that the sun always rises in the east. Elisabeth's family tries to figure out whether the emu is the largest bird in the world. They think it is. Rodger's family debates what causes heat cramps; his wife knows it's salt. On her Early Show appearance, Mrs. Bingham insisted that she'd "tied" at the challenge, but I wasn't sure what she meant. Keith's question asks how many of the Outback's ten most dangerous snakes reside in Australia. I didn't catch the trick phrasing the first time because I was distracted by Keith's intentionally lisping pronunciation of "scary snakes." Katherine has no idea because she hasn't yet completed the seventh grade. Finally, Colby's mom's question is how long it would take to hear thunder from one mile away. She thinks it sounds like a backasswards question and guesses seven seconds. She then makes her application for membership in the Kooky Eyewear Clan.
It turns out that the sun rises in the east and the ostrich is the world's largest bird; heat cramps are caused by a loss of salt; and the ten most venomous snakes in the Outback all live in Australia. And the surgeon is the boy's mother, and the survivors of the plane crash aren't buried on either side of the border because they're the survivors. Finally, it would take you five seconds to hear the thunder. Unless Kimmi was talking; then you wouldn't hear it at all. Peachy repeats what the reward is, and Tina's jaw drops like she didn't hear it the first time. She wins and jumps up and down while Rodger looks surprised.
The S5 then get a chance to say goodbye to their loved ones. And I'm supposed to feel bad for these people? Rodger cries some more, and hides his face behind a napkin. Colby's mother plans to fatten him up when he gets home. Elisabeth's poor parents apologize for not coming through and say they'll pray for her. The screen also says something about Ken reminding her that she "owes him a million." And a normal pair of glasses. And some Clearasil. Keith is . Though it pained me to do so, I watched this segment over and over again so I could transcribe his words. Oh, the lengths I go to as your recapper. Keith writes, "I can only think of one important question that came to me one night as a shooting star shot across the sky in some wee hours of the morning....Will you marry me, Peas?" He then writes, "Hope you're expecting something like this." Peas can't believe that Carrots proposed, and thinks he might not be serious. Her response rambles on about her long work week, and finally she says "yes," but they'll have to wait until she's graduated from junior high. Keith picks up Peachy like he's a sack of potatoes and swings him around, while the others awkwardly wait to offer their congratulations. Then Peachy tells Tina that "the throne" is hers. She probably would prefer a trip to "the throne" over a thirty-minute email conversation with people who may or may not actually be her family members. Tina cries when she talks to her family and tells us it's a "major rush" that will carry her through the eight days. She perkily tells us in an interview that she "got it beat, girl!"
As the S5 shuffle back to camp, Rodger says that they all won the challenge just by getting to talk to their families. It's raining again, but Colby tells us that he's grinning even though the water has soaked through his boots. Colby and Tina play Frisbee and Elisabeth is astounded;-she says, "Look at this -- a little recreation goin' on?" Tina tells us that her face hurts from smiling, and that the experience was "sheer joy." The S5 glow on through the night. Before bed, Keith thanks God for the incredible day and for the "yes from [his] sweetheart, Katherine." In case God needed some clarification regarding her name. He then asks that they all be kept safe. This was a remarkably humble and coherent mouthful for Keith. Who knew he had it in him? In a voice-over, Colby tells us that strategy didn't enter into any of their heads today. They all put on their caps and get ready for bed. Tina reminds Colby that he's the "candle-blower-outer."
Day 35 dawns with an extinguished fire. I don't know why they don't take turns watching the fire; they would if their lives depended on it, but clearly they don't. Keith tells us that he and Rodger are usually up first in the morning and that starting a fire -- which they usually lose in the rain -- is very difficult in the morning. I'm no outdoorswoman, but is it easier to light a fire in the evening, for some reason? I guess the area might be dryer, then? In any case, as they head off together for their "morning bathroom break" Keith discovers a piece of smoldering tree. He thinks it must be burning from a forest fire two weeks before and tells us, as he carries it back, that it's a "huge find". Keith then gives us a little history lesson and explains how people "learned about fire and captured it." Rodger takes the lesson a step further and says that's how they started having "weenie roasts."
It's now time for the week's rice-inspired conflict. Colby tells us that they ration their supply very carefully because they have very little left. I thought Peachy told them that the new supply was more than enough to last them through the rest of their Outback days? Regardless, they now have only two bags of brown rice and one of white rice remaining. Colby says that Keith is making too much food and can't "get it through his head" that he needs to be more precise. Keith then tells us he's cooking because it's a skill of his that's valuable to the others. Was this interview lifted from the first week of the show? By now, I think, they can probably all manage to boil up some rice. At camp, Keith tells the others he's going to do an "experiment" with the rice. Even with a refrigerator full of food, I don't think I'd appreciate someone "experimenting" with my dinner. Elisabeth complains that the portions are huge. She thinks he's doing it because he's confident he's going to be in the final three, and that the portion sizes will be bigger then. I don't really understand this logic. You'd think he'd ration it moreclosely to save for later, then, and not bother sharing with the dead weight. Elisabeth thinks he feels "awfully comfortable." Colby suddenly explodes because Keith is not being consistent in his rice-making dogma. Colby says that Keith has already said several times that the brown rice yielded less, and now he's saying the opposite. He says that the rationing is not going as they'd planned. Colby is really stuck on this rice thing. In an interview, Keith tells us that it was the first time he saw Colby blow up, and he was surprised, "expecially [sic]" because Elisabeth was there too and "chimed in." He suddenly feels vulnerable. Back at the rice wars, Colby tells Keith that he's "arguing with [himself]," but it sounds a lot to me like he's arguing with Colby -- actually more that Colby is arguing with Colby. Keith keeps insisting that he said the brown rice needed more water, and Colby is adamant that that he said something different. If Alicia were here she'd be waving her finger in someone's face, but Keith remains surprisingly calm. In an interview Colby tells us Keith's a "fool" and that "the guy's a bozo." He says that Bozo the Keith has ulterior motives for everything -- "whether it's cooking rice or proposing to his girlfriend online." Harsh! ["Yet true." -- Wing Chun] He then tells us, "My game with Keith is done." I thought his game with Bozo the Keith was over last week when Bozo the Keith and Tina voted against Lamber without Colby. We then see that Bozo the Keith has made some lovely rice patties, of which the Colbster looks wary.
The S5 now sit around and stare at the flaming log and yippee! -- Rodger got his blue and orange jacket back! Colby tells us his mood is volatile because of the long days, and that if he weren't so bored, even Bozo the Keith wouldn't get to him. Bozo the Keith tells us that he just sits there and stares at the flames, and that Colby calls fire-watching "Outback television." We then get a bored-survivors- amusing-themselves sequence. They stare into the fire or lethargically play backgammon; Rodger colors in the coloring book that Jeff must have left behind. In my cult-favorite moment we see Tina earnestly explaining to Elisabeth how she uses construction paper and white lace to hang hearts in every room in her house. Twelve weeks of watching Tina and I know more about her in that fifteen seconds than I could watching this show for twelve years. Rodger can't stand sitting around in the tent -- he says it drives him crazy. We see various shots of Rodger practically keeling over as he does various forms of manual labor -- breaking logs, carrying logs, fishing, etc. Colby tells us that Rodger has more energy than the rest of them; he says they're not playing for themselves now, but for who deserves to be there. He says that, with Rodger, it "comes from the heart." He believes that Rodger, Elisabeth, and Tina deserve to make the finals, but that Bozo the Keith has done nothing outstanding to stay in the game. Rodger and Colby go off together, and my heart skipped a beat because I thought they might be hatching a plan -- and they might have been; Rodger mentioned on The Early Show that he approached Colby to form a last minute alliance, without any luck. They're just checking the treemail, which consists of five lanterns and a lock. The clue announces that the original Australian settlers had "no water, no food, no beer." There will be a "jailbreak" and the survivors will need to listen carefully. The S5 conclude that it sounds like "a blast." And that it's also groovy and far-out and the bee's knees. Tina made a cringing face during the "no beer" part of the clue, even though she doesn't drink. Why would she need to drink? She's high on paper doily hearts.
As they arrive at the Immunity Challenge, Peachy takes the necklace from Colby; he should just let him keep the damn thing on and save everyone the trouble. They've been shackled at some point, but we're denied the pleasure of seeing the shackling process. Peachy explains that they are shackled because Australia's first settlers were prisoners. He will tell them a "story," and they will then work their way through a course that has eight stations with questions from the story. When they answer a question correctly, they will retrieve a key that unlocks one of their shackles. They must return to the camp with five released locks. Peachy drones on and on. I wouldn't really call it "a story" so much as "an excessively boring oration on nothing of any particular interest." When he mentions something that will be pertinent in the course, a camera shot shows a picture of the question within the course. I'm not going through this whole stupid thing except to say Peachy chides the original settlers by saying that "had they known some basic skills," they could have survived better. I already know at this point that Rodger's not winning because these memory question discriminate against the older people. Someone call the AARP!
It's very funny to see the S5 running around in shackles -- even Tina and Elisabeth are cracking up. We watch Colby and Bozo the Keith each get one right. Rodger gets one wrong. At one point, Bozo the Keith is reading a clue and the blobby figure of a shackled S5 lurches behind him; it's funny to watch, even if it's not funny here. Rodger doesn't remember that insects are a better source of protein "pound for pound." Saying "insects lizards insects lizards" five times fast doesn't help him. He guesses lizards, and loses again. They're all reading the clues aloud in hushed voices and it's very Blair Irritating. A note on the screen flashes "Rodger: 0 locks open." Do they have to rub it in? Meanwhile, the others have opened two and three locks apiece. Colby hops around on one leg. Any suggestions as to why they didn't unshackle their ankles first? Bozo the Keith knows that bats lead people to edible food (as opposed to the inedible food to which birds lead people), and runs off with his five locks. But he doesn't have a good handhold on them. He looks down like he might have dropped one, and then keeps running to the finish. When he gets back to Peachy, Peachy asks whether he has them all; Bozo the Keith says he doesn't know. Peachy actually manages not to look excited as he breaks the bad news to Bozo the Keith and sends him back to find the lost lock. Bozo the Keith runs back and looks through the grass in great frustration. Meanwhile, Colby whizzes past him to the finish. As Bozo the Keith continues looking, the camera pans to a close-up shot of the lock, which Bozo the Keith has just walked right past. Peachy tells Colby, "Let me see 'em!" and Colby says "Hands and ankles, that's it." Then Bozo the Keith clanks his head on a lantern, which cracked me up each time I watched it while recapping and also the several other times I watched it just for laughs. Bozo the Keith returns and explains that he lost the lock while running with it. Peachy tells everyone but Colby that they're vulnerable.
Tina emerges from the tent and starts hugging people on Day 36. She should have brought her construction paper and lace for a luxury item -- she could have given out little hearts to show how she really feels. Rodger says he "had [sic] the impression" that either he or Elisabeth would be voted off at the evening's council. He tells us in an interview that Tina asked him who he thought needed the money more, and that he said Elisabeth, because her mother has been sick. We then see the reenactment of this scene in which Rodger tells Tina he was the CEO of a bank for many years and that he doesn't need the money. She says this makes her feel better. But from what I've heard of her family, she doesn't need the money either, so why doesn't she just vote herself off if she's feeling so guilty? Rodger tells Tina that he thinks as much of Elisabeth as he does of his own family. Tina agrees. I wonder whether this bothered either of their families. Rodger doesn't want Elisabeth to know what he did for her; she knows now. He tells us that he's "kinda watched out for her" which is cute, because early in the game she said she was watching out for him. We then see Elisabeth approaching Tina and Rodger's conversation and they quickly change the subject to Rodger's berating himself for not offering to share his seat with Elisabeth. She teasingly calls him "rude." Bozo the Keith tells us in an interview that Rodger would like to go first, but that he's well aware Keith himself could be "blindsided" and end up going instead. Elisabeth says that Colby was originally going to vote for Rodger, but that she thinks Bozo the Keith may have been annoying enough to change his vote. Colby then tells us that he's struggling with the issue of ending the game with someone who almost guarantees him the million, or with someone he'll feel good about winning if he doesn't. He tells us he doesn't know the answer to that question, and that it keeps changing. He says it will probably change again before the vote.
Colby shows up at Tribal Council in his earflap hat and the necklace, looking like Bozo the Colbster. The jury comes in, and Lamber tries to look pissed off but can't. It looks like Elisabeth might be smiling at the jury, but I can't tell. Peachy asks Bozo the Keith how much daily life influences the vote. Bozo the Keith says that mind games make "you your own worst...player." Hee. He says he's playing mind games with himself and that he keeps saying "expect the unexpected." He should patent that one. Tina agrees that she feels paranoia when she sees people talking. Peachy calls on Elisabeth and asks about her relationship with Rodger. She turns around and holds his hand, saying he's her "Outback Daddy," which some sick people may think sounds perverted. She says that, from the moment she saw him, she knew there was "something special." Me too! She says that they make each other feel safe. Aw. Rodger then busts out by saying he could "easily turn the tables on Elisabeth" which isn't, I think, what he means to say. Instead, he talks about what a wonderful "young lady" she is. He says that "character-wise" and "morals-wise," she's "tops." Peachy then makes Bozo the Keith admire Colby's shiny necklace. Bozo the Keith uses lots of food metaphors to say he's sad he dropped the lock, but that he can't do anything about it now.
Elisabeth votes for Bozo the Keith and says that it's a good group, but that he's "over-confident" and "cocky." We don't see who Rodger or Tina vote for. Bozo the Keith votes for Rodger and nicely says that he can't wait for that home-cooked meal in Kentucky, but that if it's his turn to go, he looks forward to greeting him on the outside. We don't even see Colby voting at all, which is unusual.
Peachy comes back looking like a broken man; I swear I could tell by his body language that humankind had just taken a hit. We pan to a shot of Rodger looking defiant. Peachy still looks sad. The first vote is for Bozo the Keith, whose head snaps around like he's surprised -- how can he be surprised? At this point, I'm steeled for the worse: Rodger gets the vote. After a last vote for "Kieth [sic]", it's all over for my sweet Rodger, who resignedly nods his head and gets up to leave. In his gentlemanly way, Rodger says his goodbyes and exits. A single tear runs down Elisabeth's cheek. Mine too.
time on Survivor: Elisabeth's hair starts falling out just before a surprise visitor arrives at the camp. Could it be a Rogaine representative? They do sell that at Target....
As the credits roll, Rodger tells us he was the oldest competitor, and that he knows he could have stayed out there six more days. He wishes the others good luck and then says he especially wishes the best to Elisabeth and that he hopes she goes all the way. He then accepts the country's nomination: Rodger Bingham for President!