Runs, Forrest, Runs!

Last week on Survivor, it was "check-out time" for Jerri. And that's all you need to know.

It's Day 28 at Barramundi. Sad music plays as Lamber tells us that Jerri got voted off the night before, and that the group "definitely isolated" her while making that decision. She says that she feels sad, not because Jerri left, but because she felt like her own tribe members didn't trust her. Keith then tells us in a confessional that Lamber made a tactical mistake by allying with Jerri, and that she was "visibly stunned" at Jerri's being voted off. He continues by saying that Lamber felt like she lost her "big sister comrade" and that she's now a "lone lamb" in their midst. It can't be a shout-out, so let's just say Keith is channeling, in advance, our thoughts here at Mighty Big TV. He then says that Lamber is a "big girl," so she'll have to deal with the problem she's created. We then cut to a clip of Keith singing, "Ding dong, the witch is dead!" as he and Nick sits around the fire -- further proof that he's catching our vibe. Whether or not we want to share Keith's vibe is irrelevant. Nick comments that the tribe's mood will improve now that Jerri is gone. We see Lamber measuring the rice and determining that there's enough left for one single serving. Meanwhile, Nick and Rodger examine their bellies. They remind me of one of those Anne Geddes photographs where a curly-haired baby in purple pants and a do-rag inspects her belly button. I've always found it mildly disturbing. Nick is pleased because he's never before had so defined a six-pack. We then get close-up shots of said bellies, which I find more than mildly disturbing. Colby tells us in an interview that the human body can go days without food, and that it's all about mental power. Keep in mind that just yesterday he was on the Great Barrier Reef picnic with unlimited wrapped sandwiches and Dureet Toes. He then says, "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas." And also that if Lambers and Jerris were hamburgers and berries, it'd be even better. Tina saysthat they need to work together to catch crickets and grub so they can fish. Elisabeth tells us that they haven't eaten in twenty-four hours, and that the tribe would bring Jerri back if they "had rice to come with her." I didn't hear this properly the first time I watched the episode, and I thought Elisabeth was talking about eating Jerri. As in, "I'll have fries with that."

Oh goody! It's my favorite part! We begin with close-up shots of a pair of legs slowly making their way through the grass. These legs, we find out, belong to Keith, and it looks as though he might have taken Kel up on his offer to share his razor with the Ogakor tribe. Suddenly Keith is bounding through the grass with a net on a stick trying to catch -- wait for it -- a grasshopper. And it keeps jumping away from him. And he keeps leaping around and taking swats at it. I had something really funny to say here, but I was told it was in "bad taste." Not that that's stopped me before. Anyway, after much frolicking about, Keith catches the grasshopper and says, "Cowboy can ride bulls and horses but he can't catch grasshoppers." We then get some twangy country music as Colby ambles through the grass, and for some reason a shot of two copulating grasshoppers. Colby's not nearly the charismatic grasshopper hunter Keith is. We see lots of shots of grasshoppers sitting on branches and in the grass, and I think this is a jab at how easy they should be to catch. My guess is that Keith never thought this silliness would air, but I'm so glad it did. Colby tells us in a confessional that the "big ones" can't be tired out or snuck up on. He says that the "little bitty ones" are easy to catch, but he hasn't seen any. We then see Keith enthusiastically netting a grasshopper. He tells us very seriously, "You spend a lot of energy catching grasshoppers. You chase 'em down and you'll run sometimes for a hundred yards -- not a hundred yards -- you'll run sometimes for several yards chasing a grasshopper down." Several yards? That's practically a marathon! We then get more shots -- I can never get enough of these -- of Keith ridiculously chasing various grasshoppers while the music continues to twang in the background. They should have saved this little ditty for Rodger, because it totally fits his personality. Colby tells us in an interview that Keith has the upper hand at "grasshopper wrangling." We then see Keith dropping a grasshopper into his shirt pocket and patting it down, saying, "You just gotta stun 'em a little bit." Colby tells us in his best Mickey Rooney/ Mr.Yoniyoshi voice that he's going to have to "go to the master" so he can teach "young grasshopper how to wrangle grasshopper." We then return to Keith inspecting his front pocket and telling the camera, "Excuse me I just caught a grasshopper, it's kind of important." Then the grasshopper jumps out of his pocket, and Keith resumes the chase.

Back at camp, Keith brings Elisabeth the "747 of grasshoppers" to use as bait. As Elisabeth fishes, a turtle jumps up and grabs the hook. I didn't know turtles moved that fast. She tries to stay calm, but tells the others that she doesn't know whether to "break this rod or try and eat it." Then Elisabeth and Lamber check the treemail and find a clue, which contains money. The clue is about finding "the value of food," and Lamber figures out that there's going to be an auction. Elisabeth keeps saying, "Money," and even saying that, she's cute. Tina is aaahhxayted -- I mean excited.

Suddenly, we're at the Survivor auction, complete with a little gavel that says Survivor on it. Peachy welcomes them and says they each have "$500 Australian dollars." In case you're wondering, that's like $247 U.S. dollars. Or like $387 Canadian dollars. Or like $2,005 Swaziland Lilangeni. Peachy says that they'll bid in increments of $20, and that the first item up for auction is four Dureet Toes and a small bowl of salsa; the bidding starts at $60. In my husband's new favorite quote, Tina says, "That's more thin tin dollars a chiyip!" -- I mean, "That's more than ten dollars a chip!" Nick wins this one. Up is a hunk of peanut butter and four squares of chocolate. I'm wondering whether the peanut butter is particularly appealing to them because it's full of things their bodies need, like fat and protein. This one is a hot item, and Elisabeth is determined to win it. The bidding gets up to $260 before she collects her prize. She is crying and shaking and jumping around with excitement. She says that she would have paid $300 for it, and that it's her "favorite game in the whole world." Oddly, she then slaps Peachy's hand a few times. Lamber buys a big glass of Mountain Dew for $80. Nick wins three crackers for $120. Keith buys something that looks like barbecue chicken on bread, but we don't know for how much. Tina wins eight mini-Oreos. Nick chugs a beer for $100. Lamber buys six French fries and ranch dressing and proceeds to have an orgasm over it. Wouldn't you think they'd serve ketchup with French fries? I'm confused, but that's nothing new. Colby gets in a bidding war with the others for an iced coffee and a chocolate peanut butter energy bar. Lamber acts all cool during this, but then says "damn you" when Colby outbids her. Peachy says, "Sold to the movie star," as Colby wins it for $280. Colby says it's "on target." up is a whole meal -- mashed potatoes, bread, turkey, cranberry sauce. Lamber says, "Is that mashed potatoes I see there?" My favorite too! According to her CBS bio, Lamber's favorite meal is "Thanksgiving Dinner." Colby's favorite snack food is crunchy peanut butter. Elisabeth lists peanut butter as a favorite, too. Keith's favorite candy bar is a chocolate and peanut butter Power Bar. There doesn't appear to be anything from Nick's list on this auction. Nor from Rodger's. And we know how much Tina loves her Dureet Toes. In any case, none of them wins any item they listed as a favorite. ["Except Elisabeth." -- Wing Chun]

As the auction continues, they all fanatically count their money. Lamber counts hers over and over again. The bidding for the Thanksgiving dinner is intense, and Elisabeth asks for a loan when it's up to $240 and she's out of money. Tina instantly turns around and asks if Elisabeth will save her one piece of her turkey and half her mashed potatoes for a loan. Lamber turns around a second later thinking she'll make the same deal and be accepted because she's prettier than Tina. Keith, meanwhile is also in the bidding, and Tina keeps adding money to Elisabeth's pile until Keith runs out of money. Tina and Elisabeth stuff whole pieces of turkey in their mouths. Lamber then bids on a "mystery plate." Peachy goads Rodger into bidding too and he does, but then Lamber bids again and Peachy speeds through the counting so that sweet Rodger doesn't get stuck with the "tall glass of Herbert River water." Lamber pretends to throw the water on Peachy; she should have! Keith says, "We read that one right, didn't we?" and high-fives Colby, although he was bidding on it five seconds ago. up is a cheeseburger! Rodger wins for $320, jumps up, and then quickly returns to his seat for permission from Peachy. He says, "Okay, get the gavel, I'm ready!" Elisabeth calls him "Frugal Fanny" as he excitedly runs to his burger. Rodger eats and then thanks Peachy, who answers as if he made it himself. We don't see the rest of the auction and we don't know if they spent all their money or had some left over or if anyone got really screwed (besides Lamber) with a bum prize or by waiting too long and being left holding all their cash. We didn't see Keith win very much, now that I think of it.

Walking back to camp, the S7 start feeling sick, and Lamber says that she's the only one who's feeling well. Tina can't believe "it" can "go through you that fast." Our immediate response to this was that the producers had laced the auctioned food with laxatives -- who, really, would put it past them? The Barramundi members head off in various directions to the "latrine." Colby and Lamber still feel fine. Nick says he's going to take a bath so the "whole tent doesn't smell like ass." Lovely. He then basically admits that his ass is still dirty by telling us, "You can only get so much with leaves, I'm sure!" Rodger comes stumbling into the camp and says, "Well, that felt good. Almost as good as eatin' a cheeseburger!" and then cracks himself up. They all wash themselves off in the water.. The water that's right in front of their camp. Elisabeth thinks she's all done, and then, minutes later, goes sprinting off into the woods. While wiggling around in the water and cleaning himself off, Rodger gleefully exclaims to Keith, "My leaf had a hole in it!"

It's raining in Barramundi on Day 29 and the S7 roll around and look unhappy. When is it not raining in Barramundi? We see Rodger go to the water's edge and stick a post in the beach. Tina then tells us that the water has risen considerably, and that she had to move their flag to the other side of the tint...I mean, "tent" because they're losing beach. Barramundi decides that they'll have to move camp within the two days. Elisabeth says that, as it is now, a storm might wash their tent right out. She tells us that the river has almost doubled in size since they first crossed it and that it's "coming for [them]." Lamber says that there's something new every day, and shakes her head about it. Elisabeth is worried because she can't even "get [herself] out of first gear" and still feels "depleted." She thinks that they aren't up for moving the camp, and that the one meal didn't change their dire circumstances. Nick tells us that not having food is "killer" for him, and that a "month is a long time to lay on the ground." He says that his back is killing him and his "mouth is raw." He and his raw mouth. He tells the camera that for the first time he said, "Oh God, please get me outta here sometime soon." Nick should be on the lookout for falling anvils.

Rodger and Elisabeth catch a great big fish and then take turns stepping on it. Meanwhile, Tina bitches to the cameras that Nick won't fish even when he's asked to. She says his response was, "He's never been before and he wasn't planning on starting now." ["I don't blame him in the slightest. If I were fairly sure I was getting voted off, I wouldn't bust my ass to catch fish for the people who were voting me off, either." -- Wing Chun] Elisabeth complains because Nick lets his friends work while he sits around. She tells us, "I never thought I'd say this, I really never thought I would, but I'm really disappointed in Nick right now." She then says that he's playing smart -- resting all day in order to win immunity -- leaving Elisabeth and Rodger vulnerable. It makes her mad, and we all know how cute she is when she's mad. Nick then tells us he feels vulnerable because he's strong and won the last challenge and that he's a "big body" and thus requires a lot of food. He says that if he doesn't win immunity he'll expect to go home. And that he'll never again have the chance to watch Elisabeth wash something.

A Reservoir Dogs shot shows the S7 walking to the Immunity Challenge, which will test their fire-starting abilities. Peachy tells them that "fire skills gotta be sharp." Each Survivor is issued a water scale with a fire bucket at one end and a water bucket at the other. They're to gather brush to start a fire in the fire bucket, and then fill the water bucket with river water as a counterweight, so that the fire bucket rises to light a fuse at the top of the tower. Peachy says that there's a "hiccup," because the water buckets have holes in them, making for repeated trips to the water supply. Oh, and they get matches. They each pick a tower and look very serious. Peachy starts them out, and Tina runs in a diagonal line to the woods. Colby brings back tons of sticks. Keith uses his shirt to carry his branches and also gets a lot. Elisabeth has, like, three branches. Nick is way out ahead on this one, and Colby, meanwhile, is spending lots of time working very carefully on his fire. Nick's made two trips before anyone else even starts. Tina is to begin fetching water. Peachy yells, "Two people goin' for water already," as if the others can't figure that out. Elisabeth is having trouble building the fire; Keith has built a good one. Colby's fire is still taking a really long time and he's being very attentive to it; after stuffing it with twigs, he makes another trip to the brush pile for more. He methodically sticks a couple upright twigs into the other twigs. Oh, poor Nick looks tired. The buckets, meanwhile, look like they're peeing. Keith pushes his bucket down, which raises the fire, and Peachy tells him not to. I really think that Keith's losing brain cells out here. Peachy yells that he knows they're tired, but that their fires are doing great. Colby peeks inside his water bucket. Keith's bucket, evidently, has put a spell on him: he's mesmerized by it. Elisabeth starts singing, "There's a hole into his bucket, dear Liz--" and then stops, probably because it's too exhausting to continue. Keith's water bucket starts to drop and he starts yelling, "Come on baby!" and celebrating his victory. He throws his bucket in the air and then realizes the water bucket counterweight isn't going high enough. He loses about thirty seconds here, and retrieves the bucket to fetch more water. Not one to learn from his mistakes, he refills the bucket and just stands there watching it. Suddenly and out of nowhere, Colby's fuse goes off and he goes crazy -- first he body-slams Peachy, and then gives him a big hug. Keith looks pissed. Nick looks tired. Tina, Lamber and Rodger hug each other.

It's now Day 30 at Barramundi, and...wow -- this thing is almost over. Rodger looks low for the first time and tells us, "We gotta have somethin' to eat around here." Tina says that their bodies are going into shock, and that Elisabeth is not doing well at all. We learn that she could barely get out of the tent that morning, and Tina is worried about her. In a sad interview, Elisabeth tells us she's "shaking and weak," as she cries and looks very pitiful and frustrated. She says that she hates not being able to help, and then Nick hugs her and says, "It's hard to get started in the morning." He then tells her to try washing something, and that it always makes him -- he means "her" -- feel better.

We then segue to a few of the S7 fishing, and Rodger is lamenting the loss of another hook. Elisabeth joins the fishing crew and apologizes for not showing up sooner. Paternal Rodger tells her to come back to the camp and rest with them, and that the only bite he had was "that stupid turtle." All the pre-Survivor hype spent way too much time talking about the crocodiles and poisonous snakes, and not nearly enough time talking about those crazy turtles.

Peachy suddenly shows up at camp looking all cocky and self-important. As the S7 see him strutting over, Nick says that he's bringing rice and Tina adds that "he has a bad look on his face." Peachy then respectfully proceeds to sit on their rice. He says, "I come today because I'm concerned." He says he saw in yesterday's challenge "true lethargy" and a "real lack of energy," particularly in Elisabeth and Nick. Way to target people, Peachy. He then slurs, "You've got thirteen days left, and I don't think you're gonna make it." Except that it sounds more like, "Ironthinyergonnmaeit," because I think he may well be shit-faced. He berates them for not planning better and basically forces them to act contrite and even more pitiful than they actually are. Wow, though, they had twenty-five hooks to start and are now down to one? Colby says that they just planned poorly and can't blame anyone in particular, and then Tina says that "condensation" made them lose some rice. We missed the rice-condensing scenes, I guess. They all talk over each other for a while to see who can apologize the loudest, and then Peachy says, "Here's where we're at. You know, my role is a giver and a taker. Nothing comes cheap." Peachy's pontification is very annoying. He shows them a few bags of rice and says, "It's not comin' without a price." Turns out he wants to trade for the rice, so Rodger offers up their blankets. Sounding irritated, Peachy says, "I'm talkin' serious value." Rodger makes a case for the blankets, and Peachy shuts him down. We then learn that Peachy knew what he wanted to trade from the beginning and just tried to get one of the S7 to suggest it. After a few luckless attempts he finally say, "I'm talkin' camp." He wants the Texas flag and the tarps. The S7 aren't completely convinced until he produces twenty-five new hooks wrapped in a nice little package with a bow. Barramundi agrees to trade their camp, and Colby and Lamber hold hands as the group disperses. Peachy rubs it in by saying, "Who's got the strength to tear it down?" As Colby hands Peachy his flag, he says, "Take care of that, will you?" and Peachy assures him that he will. With his hands full of their crap, Peachy tells them it was "good negotiation," although I can't really figure out where the negotiation, much less a "good negotiation," took place. He also tells them he's looking forward to seeing them at the "unfortunate Tribal Council." This is particularly un-Peachy behavior.

As soon as Peachy disappears with their shelter-in-a-bag, it immediately begins storming. They discuss where they'll build the new shelter and Tina says, "I don't think we need to bring the woods to us; I think we need to go to the woods." Keith looks tired as he tells us that they're going into the hills to build a shelter. We then see lots of branch-moving shots. Tina says she thinks it was a fair trade and that "there's worse things in life than bein' wet...such as starving to death." I concur. Tina starts chopping up their crate. She's a very hard worker. The others are hard workers too, except Nick, who's reclining in the hammock and drinking a piña colada through a little straw while Elisabeth fans him with her immunity headdress. Actually, he just takes his shoes off and sits down. Bad move, Invisiboy. The S7 start talking about the weather and how it might rain. Tina says, "Maybe not." And then it thunders and Colby says, "Maybe so." Hee. Nick says the shelter is going to be "more resistant than waterproof." As he and Rodger lie inside the structure, we see it has gaping holds for a roof. How lovely to see the stars by.

I love the dog commercial (I think it's for life insurance) with the Jack Russell trying to get the sausage and then ending up hanging by his teeth from it. I also love the part of Tom Green's movie commercial where multiple sausages are hanging from strings that appear to be tied to his fingers so they jerk around as he plays the piano and sings, "Daddy, would you like some sausage?" Me and the sausages.

The S7 are done rebuilding and now loll around outside the tent. Colby tells us that Lamber is nervous because she thinks her team doesn't trust her. He says it's potentially dangerous for their alliance, and that she might try to start something with the Kuchas. Elisabeth says that she thinks Lamber should feel threatened. She then tells us that Ogakor diluted their power in voting Jerri off and that "it didn't seem to be the smartest strategic thing to do." Elisabeth says, "Lamber is kind of a pivot in the whole Barramundi scenario." Lamber then tells us that she could approach the Kucha people and -- all together now -- "vote them off one by one," but that she can't completely trust either team. As they head to the Council, Keith doesn't bring any of his belongings. I guess he thinks his role as sole grasshopper catcher makes him indispensable.