Last week on Survivor, we endured the tedious clips show. Two weeks ago, Keith was a champion DOTS player, and Jerri put a spell on her boomerang. Alicia became the first member of the jury.
It feels like a beautiful dream.
On Day 25 at Barramundi, Colby tells us he and the other S8 tossed and turned all night, and that it's going to be a long day, because their fire is out. Jerri tells Lamber that their main concern is staying dry and that she feels "drained and lazy" and is planning on sleeping in. Rodger optimistically says, "Maybe it'll only rain half a day!" Keith has a brilliant idea and re-lights the fire; he then tells us that the physical work is not light and that "life in the Outback is tough and it's getting tougher." He bases this conclusion on the fact that they need to get wood, break it down, and keeping the fire going. Maybe he should try actually living in the Outback instead of taking a rustic vacation there. We awkwardly segue from these comments to a shot of Nick gargling. When Elisabeth lightly asks what he's doing, he says his throat hurts. Meanwhile, Elisabeth stirs a cup of something and pretends like she's at Central Perk. Nick tells us he's had several "enlarged taste buds." Ick. Oh, and did I say ick? Elisabeth manages not to laugh or grimace. We then see a shot of murky, greenish water. Rodger smartly comments that "it looks dirty." Nick suggests they might need to boil some more water and Rodger says they definitely need to. From a confessional in the dirty water, a haggard-looking Tina tells us the rain muddied the river and has made fishing difficult. They've lost all but two of their hooks because they have to fish from shore. We then see Rodger fishing and fearing he'll lose his hook. He hopefully says it might clear up tomorrow and that they'll get fish then. Colby tells us the tribe is down to a meager supply of rice, and then we see them deciding whether to reduce their rations. A fly buzzes around Lamber.
Elisabeth and Colby check the tree mail. They look so cute together! Elisabeth says, "Oh my gosh I knew it was gonna be something fun!" The clue is written on a ladder and involves pairing up and splitting a reward. Colby says, "This one's gonna be big and chunky." The team discusses picking partners from a hat and everyone agrees except Jerri, who thinks they should choose their partners. They ask who Jerri would pick and she says Colby. Tina says, "Well, duh. Who wouldn't?" Jerri asks when the game started being fair and no kidding -- just ask Maralyn or Kel. Tina says it may not be about being fair, but it is about "teammanship." Poor Rodger says, "I'm the old guy here; I know nobody wants to be with me but you know sometimes you just gotta go with the flow." Everyone says it's not true but no one volunteers to be his partner. Not even Elisabeth. Colby shows up with his furry ear-flapped hat, which looks an awful lot like a luxury item to me. I'd be pissed if I didn't bring my furry ear-flapped hat because I thought it would qualify as a luxury item, and then got there and saw his. He's written names on slips of paper -- they get paper?
Lamber is excited to have selected Keith as her partner. Jerri picks Colby and is very smirky about it. Colby says its funny. "Funny" in a "horrible beyond belief" kind of way. Jerri smugly tells us in a confessional, "Ironically enough, I ended up being Colby's partner anyway." She thinks people need to be reminded about the reality of the situation -- I think a great reminder is waking up every morning to her. She again says that the game isn't fair and that it's only about winning. In the tent, Colby repeats for Keith exactly what just happened -- wasn't Keith there? Colby then says that when Jerri claimed him for her partner he thought, "Now well hold on -- let's think about who Colby would pick here." He wants to win the reward but he doesn't want to "share with her whatever it is."
At the challenge, Peachy tells them it's the biggest reward yet -- the winning duo will be taken to one of the Seven Wonders of the World by helicopter. There's a dramatic pause here, and then he announces the Great Barrier Reef and they all oooh and aaah as if that was a surprise and they thought they might be instead be taken to the Pyramids of Egypt or the Mausoleum of Halicarnassus and that either of those trips would have been a disappointment. As an aside, the Great Barrier Reef is considered one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World, along with Mount Everest; Victoria Falls; the Grand Canyon; the caves of France and Spain with their prehistoric paintings; Parìcutin, a young volcano in Mexico; and the harbor at Rio de Janeiro. The Seven Ancient Wonders of the World include those mentioned earlier as well as the Hanging Gardens of Babylon; the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus; the Statue of Zeus at Olympia; The Colossus of Rhodes; and the Lighthouse of Alexandria. The Seven Modern Wonders of the World include the Suez Canal; the Dneproges Dam; the Atomic Energy Research Establishment at Harwell, England; the Alaska (or Alcan) Highway; the Golden Gate Bridge; the Eiffel Tower; and the Empire State Building. Just about anything can qualify as a "wonder" these days. In any case, the winners will spend the afternoon snorkeling in the "clear blue water" and having a "great lunch." The challenge is a standard obstacle course, but in paired heats. They're getting clever. Whose job to you think it is, anyway, to concoct these ridiculous challenges? Peachy says the partners must stay together, but they don't and no one calls them on it.
The first heat pairs Tina and Rodger against Lamber and Keith. Because that's fair. Rodger appears to keep up pretty well, but this is all done in strange split camerawork so it's impossible to really tell. The course has a military look to it and involves running a small stretch, crawling under some ropes, running over some ropes, swinging on some ropes, jumping in a little square pool surprisingly void of ropes, going over a wall sans ropes, and finishing off with a rope slide. Too bad they don't sell rope at Target because this was prime product placement material. Lamber finishes well before Keith and demonstrates that she can actually lead at something.
The teams are Jerri and Colby against Nick and Elisabeth. The Ogakor pair prove to be total clowns by shaking out their hands while warming up (Jerri) and doing a runner's start (Colby). Colby beats up on Jerri through the race and we were cracking ourselves up while watching. Is that so wrong? He helps her flip over the wall, and then lets her land on her back with a big thud and an "ugg." They win despite this, giving Colby a second chance to abuse Jerri.
It's an all-Ogakor final, making it difficult to earnestly route for either side. Lamber is wearing sneakers, but no one else is. There's also a balance beam in this challenge, but we don't even see it during either of the first two heats. This competition merits the watercam. Colby somersaults through a tire hanging from a rope and then waits for Jerri just so he can throw her on her back again. Keith doesn't need anyone to beat up on him -- he does a perfectly good job of that himself. He clocks himself in the head with the wooden swing, which looks very painful. In a cartoon, he'd have bluebirds chirping around his head. At the climbing wall, Jerri kneels so Colby can climb over her. He then attempts to pull her up by the crotch of her shorts and if Mitchell were still around he'd be having flashbacks to every day of gym class in the seventh grade. After heaving Jerri's pants -- and Jerri -- over the wall with no small amount of effort, Colby dangles her over the other side while she screams "No! No!" meaning he shouldn't drop her, but he does anyway and she lands, once again, on her back. I felt discomfort through my peals of laughter. Meanwhile, Lamber is getting through all the obstacles by herself and then turning around and helping Keith. Peachy yells, "It's tight!" but unless he means how his shorty pants feel today, he's way off. Lamber keeps encouraging Keith to keep up, but they never have much of a chance. As much as I hate saying it, I'm impressed with Lamber, who totally holds her own during this challenge. But maybe she's just trying to stay as close to Jerri as she can.
Back at camp, Jerri tells the others she's "getting dressed" because she doesn't know when the helicopter is coming for them. Keith tells her that Colby left an hour ago and wouldn't that have been funny? Tina plays mom and suggests that they should eat before the trip, but Lamber doesn't want to share and says the helicopter's going to be there any minute. I know it's probably awesome to go to the Great Barrier Reef and all, but most of them will have a chance -- either because they'll be kicked off early or because they win mega-bucks -- to travel around after the show. So it's not like they'll never see it if they really want to. I'd be more excited for the lunch. Jerri tells us in a confessional that there's animosity from the others because she's won two rewards in a row. She says it bothers her a bit but then says she "couldn't give a flying crap." I'm sure the others felt really bad about voting her off after watching that last night. As Colby and Jerri head off, the others hug them goodbye and tell them to have fun. Lamber tells Jerri to remember everything she sees so Lamber can pretend she saw it too. As the helicopter takes off, the remaining Barramundi yell that they want details and Rodger says he doesn't want details. Lamber says Jerri and Colby will remember the trip for the rest of their lives and Nick says he'll remember it too: "watching the helicopter go away." They then instantly get over it and decide to eat.
The helicopter is flying backwards. The pilot says they'll "have a look at the bush" as if that's not all they've been looking at for 28 days. Jerri heehaws and then sneaks a look at Colby to see if he's responded to her cowgirl come on, but he's ignoring her. For the rest of his life, Colby will remember that he'd wished he'd shared this trip with someone else. He says, "I really gotta get me one of these choppers." They fly right up to an amazing waterfall and the pilot says, "It's a change of scenery." Colby tells Jerri that they could be at Barramundi right now, and I can't believe the editors missed a chance to have a poor-rice-eaters-vs.-lucky-helicopter-flyers montage. Jerri tries to hold Colby's hand in the helicopter and then says, "It was meant to be, Colby." They're suddenly in a motorboat and Jerri says she doesn't want to think about any of the others. Colby insists that they not talk about the game or strategy and instead just take the day for what it is. Jerri plays with her hair and tries to get Colby to notice how pretty it is. He just says he wants to "get some food in [his] belly."
They arrive at the beach and a red tent with red striped chairs and champagne and bottled water. Jerri tells us it's a "spread" -- she likes that word. There's fruit, and pasta salad, and "wrapped sandwiches" -- it looks like Peachy just paid a little visit to the local gourmet deli. There's also Dureet Toes. up is the necessary pigging out sequence but the chewing shots are thankfully missing. Jerri takes Colby's picture with a product-placed camera and then he takes hers but she doesn't cast a reflection. Colby says he feels spoiled and Jerri points out the champagne. He says they don't need champagne if they're going diving, and Jerri says, "Sure we do. If I'm getting you all liquored up and in bed with me." Except the liquored up and in bed parts. In a confessional, Jerri tries to look pensive and says they feasted for a while and then started wondering how everybody else was doing but that "[she] knew."
Here's the poor-rice-eaters montage! Lamber looks like a zombie as she gathers wood. Keith's having a tough week -- or he's just a klutz. He nearly wipes out again as he pries wood from the ground. Tina and Elisabeth lay out. Nick tells us as he washes cups that he would have loved to get out and see the reef because they're always in the same spot. Are they not allowed to move from that spot?
Back at the reef, Jerri and Colby are snorkeling with an underwater camera. In a confessional Jerri says it's "too close to paradise" and that she can't find any apples around to entice Colby to bite into. She then covers her eyes and says it's very romantic. And then the dreaded, romantic Italian bistro music kicks in -- I think it's the same music they played during Idiot Seanvant's and Jenna's ambassador summit. Jerri has deluded herself into thinking this is "one hell of a first date." She then says she couldn't have gone with a better person than Colby and that it's "the perfect honeymoon without the sex."
Colby then tells us in a confessional that it's no honeymoon for him and just a break from the competition. As they prepare to go back, Colby tells Jerri he's going to be humble, but if somebody pisses him off he's going to say, "I got to go snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef. What'd you do today?" Except the person most likely to piss him off is Jerri, and that wouldn't really work. And besides, that person could just answer, "I spent the day in the company of someone besides Jerri Manthey." Jerri tells us she's going back "rejuvenated and renewed and a little bit more like [her] true self." She says she's tired of putting on a game face and being a "don't-mess-with-me-chick." She says her "tender side" was "touched today." Ew.
The helicopter returns and the Barramundis wave and actually look happy to see their returning tribe members. The helicopter nearly lands in the water. Colby then pulls some coral -- literally -- out of his sleeve for those left behind. Jerri pretends to think it's cool but she's pissed off because she had nothing to do with the gesture. Keith's coral has "a little space coming from between his ears" and Tina's is orange for Tennessee. In a confessional Jerri tells us that Colby's "little shell maneuver was most definitely strategy." She then further proves her deluded state by saying that in a perfect world she and Colby would be the remaining two Survivors because they are "most even on the playing field." She says the "shell maneuver" one-upped her. Meanwhile the Barramundi tribe hugs their brother / son / boyfriend figure, Colby, as their wicked stepsister / spoiled daughter / ex-girlfriend figure, Jerri, sucks on a lemon -- I mean smiles -- and looks on.
On Day 27, Colby talks about how immunity determines who's leaving and that "as Ogakor [they're] still tryin' to maintain some sort of control." He says they determined a long time ago that Nick was the biggest threat and therefore he'd be the to leave. Meanwhile, Nick, Elisabeth and Rodger are putting grasshoppers in a box and Rodger yells, "Grasshoppers in the box!" Keith tells us that Nick is tired and sick and ready to go so he doesn't feel bad about voting him off. Elisabeth calls the group the "remaining Kucha Survivors" as they head off together to talk what little strategy they can. After saying that she or Rodger will be voted off if Nick wins immunity, she strikes a remarkably Colleen-esque pose. Rodger says, "They know they got us."
The Immunity Challenge clue is about having good balance, and I'd so be out of there. Keith tells us that the mail "insinuated" that there's going to be a log structure on top of the water. Boy, he butchers the English language. Butchers. Hee. As they arrive at the challenge, Peachy calls Keith "Mr. Consistency" and takes back the idol. When asked, Keith says he'll win again if luck is on his side. Peachy reiterates that the challenge tests balance, not strength, and so the camera points at Rodger. This is another challenge in heats, and pits the S8 directly against each other in twos. The first is a tug-of-war of sorts on platforms. Each must try, through feeding or pulling the rope, to make their competitor fall in. Ambler, looking very odd in her swimsuit, smirks. Maybe she has some practice at this? is the "shaky beam" -- two of the S8 stand on a plank and attempt to shake their competitor off by using their legs and "redistributing weight." The final round is the same as the first, except instead of steady beams, they each stand on unsteady platforms.
Rodger and Keith are first. Rodger flexes his left chest muscle a couple of times. Did anyone else notice that? As they funnel the rope through their hands Keith says, "I love you but you gotta go!" They're having so much fun with this, and I think it shows they like and respect each other. Rodger wins -- he's probably so tired of losing -- and is totally excited. He does a cute little jumping jack kind of jump into the water. Jerri and Nick are . Jerri asks if they have to put their wrists through the loophole at the end of the rope and Colby says, "Put it around your neck." And then there's this really long pause until people realize they should laugh. Jerri and Nick don't look like they're having fun at all, which shows how they dislike and fail to respect each other. Jerri looks very determined and is making her Long-Nosed Jerricoot faces again. When Nick feeds her all the rope, she falls off backwards. Looking typically clueless, he then waves an "I'm number one finger in the air." Colby and Tina also have a good time, but she falls in very quickly. Elisabeth yells, "Colby you're cruel!" for no apparent reason. Lamber and Elisabeth are last. They lamely take turns tugging at each other until Lamber feeds Elisabeth too much rope and she falls in.
Rodger and Colby are first in the shaky beam challenge. They look like they're surfing. Rodger nearly falls in face-first and does an amazing job of holding his balance; Colby then shows him up by practically doing a backbend and managing not to fall. It's a good competition until Rodger kind of trips and falls in. Nick and Lamber's turn is one of the funniest things I've seen on the show. Lamber hula hoops and then starts thrusting her hips forwards and backwards, no longer stimulating hula hopping but some other national pastime. Then the two are suddenly in rhythm together and Elisabeth's right -- it does look like some kind of crazy dance. This may be the silliest Lamber will ever look in her life. Lamber then falls in and Nick is happy. Finally, it's the last round and Colby looks very serious. Nick keeps tugging very hard and spends the whole time almost falling in, but eventually wins it. Poor Elisabeth and Rodger try to look happy for him. Peachy tells Barramundi he'll see them at Tribal Council.
The Immunity Idol, I just noticed, appears to have some kind of teeth hanging from it. Kucha has a moment together in which Nick does not rub in his victory. Rodger says, "It coulda been either one of us here. It's just the way the old ball bounces." Meanwhile, Lamber tells Jerri that it's like Kucha "almost know[s]" they're going to be voted off. Could they possibly? Jerri tells us that, since Nick is no longer a possibility, they've decided to vote off Elisabeth. We then see Rodger and Elisabeth saying that either of them could go . Lamber then tells us it's hard to vote someone off no matter how long you've been with them; she says she's going to talk to all her teammates to see if the "original plan's still in effect." We then see Elisabeth tell Tina she's going to vote for Jerri. In a spurt of uncharacteristic honesty, Tina says, "But we have to vote you or Rodger off. Because that's the safe thing to do." Tina says it's hard to talk about voting them off because they have "heart and soul." Damn straight.
Later in the tent, we see Keith tell Colby and Tina that they have another option: eliminating Jerri. Colby doesn't want to hear it, but Keith keeps insisting. Colby maintains that he doesn't want to "allow that possibly to even come to fruition." He wants to get rid of the Kuchas and then get rid of Jerri. Even though he can't imagine voting off Elisabeth before Jerri, he says, "It's the right move." As they head off to the Council, Lamber says, "We're off like a herd of turtles." Which is actually funny. If I didn't hate her so much, I might actually like her.
Alicia shows up at Tribal Council looking very buff and tough and New York chic with a big silver hoop belt on and her hair pulled back. Peachy asks Nick how important winning was to him, and Nick says that if he didn't win he would have been voted off. Peachy calls out Jerri and asks what she thinks looking at the "jury." I don't know why he didn't just say "Alicia." She says wonders every day who she is and that she wants to "suck back in" the rude, nasty things she says out of hunger and frustration. Peachy asks Elisabeth if she's worried because she's probably a target "at some point." Elisabeth says that she's in the minority -- and then clarifies that with, "you know, of numbers," so we don't think she means she's African American. She says that nothing is guaranteed and that no one should assume anything because they make an "ass" out of "u" and of "me." She actually just says that assuming is the "most dangerous, dangerous thing." But Mike didn't assume himself right into the fire. She makes a nice little statement to the others that they shouldn't "assume [they're] safe; assume [they're] right. Because [they're] not."
And then the voting heard 'round the world begins. We don't see Elisabeth's vote, or Colby's. Lamber votes for Elisabeth and says, "Because you're cuter than me." No, she really says that it's the hardest vote yet and will be the hardest of the game. Huh? She says through a big grin that she's only voting for Elisabeth because she "made a word" with her original tribe. Rodger votes for Jerri and says, "Most days she gets up in a good mood, but oh baby look out if she gets up in a bad mood." Hee. That Rodger. Jerri votes for Elisabeth and says, "I've never in my life met anyone more likeable and more loveable. Because you are such a likeable person, it is a definite threat, " basically admitting that she herself is unlikeable and unloveable.
Peachy comes back from counting the votes looking very jittery and excited. The first vote is for Elisabeth and I go crazy because I know that means she's staying. The vote is for Jerri and the room I'm watching in erupts. Then Elisabeth, then Jerri, then Jerri, then Jerri, and oh my God! Celebrate good times, come on! What a coup, and notice it's not raining? As Jerri gets up to go she snarks, "Checkmate. You guys got me." And then says, "Good game." The tribe has spoken poetry this time. Peachy says the new tribe "finally has been born," leaving us with some delightful imagery.
week on Survivor: the tribe realizes that Jerri's departure -- and resulting joy -- sets in at Barramundi. Nick and Rodger examine their belly buttons and Elisabeth cries. They're offered more food, "but at what price?"
During the credits, Jerri tells us she "absolutely knew" this was coming and blames it on her remark about how the game isn't fair. Jerri says she's still up for sitting around with everyone and having a beer with the others. But somehow I think they'll all be washing their hair the night she calls.