This is the way Survivor ends,
This is the way Survivor ends,
This is the way Survivor ends,
Not with a Probst,
But with a Gumbel.
From the last seconds of the last episode of the first season of Survivor when we watched Rich drive off into the proverbial sunset in an abomination of mated car designs called the Pontiac Aztek, we lead right into the Survivor reunion special with a close-up of Rich. He is clean-shaven, with a little devilish gleam in his eye, wearing a suit and looking as if he just smited God Himself. We are reminded at the bottom left-hand side of the screen that this is "LIVE," but even at this late hour, we still hear the lilting torture that is Bryant Gumbel's voice as he begins the show: "Richard Hatch, congratulations!" to thunderous applause. Rich nods, says "thank you," and we cut to a wide shot showing a stage full of former castaways. The set-up is similar to that of Real World reunions, only less funky. Think of it as the strip-mall version of a Real World reunion. The Cracker Barrel of Real World reunions. The Wal-Mart to The Real World's IKEA. The Stuckey's to The Real World's Boston Market.
Bryant begins the questioning by commenting on Rich's appearance, which is noticeably improved from when he went a month and a half on a remote island. (Tom Hanks bitterly wishes he had seen this a year ago and been able to take notes for Cast Away.) Bryant then asks if Rich feels different from the guy we all saw on TV. Rich answers smartly, suggesting that he's not sure who people think he is. Reality-show editing can be a bitch. Bryant whips out the unscientific poll, mentioning that people polled thought Rich should win least. Or that he was the least of their chosen winners. Or rather...You know what? For once, I will defer to Bryant Gumbel: "Of the final four, who would you least like to see win?" Rich's total was more than the other three combined. Rich takes it in stride and shares his theory that the press made more of it than audiences, who have been supportive in the mail they've sent. Nice.
Bryant switches gear immediately by going after Kelly. "Kelly," he says by way of introducing her. "Close, but no cigar." It is at this point that any sane person with a modicum of self-control would leap from their chair, jump onto the closest Bryant Gumbel and beat him with an immunity idol for such a flippant, insensitive, and offhand comment. As Rich pats Kelly on the leg (perhaps he's trying to rub her strange brown leather tube top to check for a rift in time that teleports you a new wardrobe from the future), she says that she thinks about having lost every day. Especially every day when she's regarded so coldly on national television by Bryant Gumbel. Bryant says it was hard not to notice that at the end of the show, Kelly had no hug for that dirty, good-fer-nuthin'-heart-of-stone Sue (I'm paraphrasing). Kelly agrees as Sue makes some strange, blessedly silent, wide-mouthed exclamation with her face pulled to the side. I say a small prayer for humanity. Kelly says she's over it; it was a mean game, but now it's over. She even grimly extends her hand to shake Sue's. The audience loves it. Sue, still grinning like a psychotic and mean-tempered loon, says Kelly should have gotten up and hit her once the game was over. Oh please, please, please, please somebody invent time travel. Soon.
Bryant uses the threat of violence to segue into his introduction. Sixteen castaways. An hour of juicy advertising opportunities. One ugly-ass SUV and a million-dollar prize. Uncomfortable-looking furniture. It's the Survivor reunion. Bryant calls it a kind of tribal council. I call it a set that Bob Goldthwait should come out and set fire to with a tiki torch.
Oh by the way, Big Brother is still on, six nights a week. Because we care.
A swing shot of the stage and the audience accompanied by the Survivor credits music gives me the weird sensation that Oprah is on the war path and she's going to come out and kill everybody. Instead, we get introductions of the cast. We start with "Sonja Christopher and her ukulele." Sonja's wishing she could have brought it so she could introduce the bridge to Mr. Gumbel's rectum. Some of them get titles identifying them by profession. Others, like Dirk, get "Bible-toting virgin" as a means of introduction. Now, I'm not saying I was his biggest fan, but that just plain sucks.
After the first group is introduced, we get the jurors. Greg and Jenna are introduced quickly and then Bryant calls Gervase, "Gervase 'never nervous' Peterson" and Colleen, "America's Sweetheart." My cat calls for some more litter with which to express her opinion on the show so far.
Bryant disses a bit on Sean's alphabet strategy and his final vote. He asks about Sean's comments on voting for the "least objectionable person." Sean sets his phaser to "justify" and gives props to Rich on setting up the alliance. He also calls Rich "Darth Gayder," to which Rich responds with a maniacal grin. You know, Sean, not to be talking smack or anything, but I get the feeling that when you try to come out all pro-gay in your comments, that you're starting to have about as much credibility in doing so as Eminem. Just thought you should know.
When asked whether anybody else was swayed at the final vote other than Colleen, Greg brings up his mysterious and Zen approach of having the two finalists choose a number between one and ten. The number was, in case you're wondering, nine. When it's revealed that Kelly lost $900,000 just because she guessed the wrong number, the audience groans. Before we segue away, you can barely hear Kelly say, "Well, ya know..." Even in defeat she is graceful and eloquent.
Bryant now leaps to Susan over her now-infamous speech. There are now Southern Baptist religious sects based on her speech. Her speech has singlehandedly reintroduced Nietzsche-ism to a whole new generation. "Yeah, I was pissed at the time," she drawls. "At the time it worked for me, Bryant." While she says this, Kelly looks as if she's having pain serum inserted into the back of her neck via a dull needle. Bryant brings up the point I went on and on about -- why was she all smiles when she was voted off and then Kubla Kahn when she returned an hour and a half later (actually, it was more like days, if you want to get chronological about it). Sue makes the most disingenuous statement in all of TV history (including the Reagan years) by saying she didn't really want the million dollars if she didn't work for it because then the leeches come out and suck you dry. Unless, like Sue, you are already a leech, in which case you just suck on each other until mutual assured destruction is achieved. Five hours later, Sue is still talking while Kelly looks off to the back of the studio audience wishing she could mentally set off the fire alarm. More time passes. Sue is still talking. If Kelly were Carrie, the building would be on fire by now and John Travolta would be dead. In the end, Bryant declares that he won't pick a fight with Sue because he recognizes he might lose the title of Prickliest Person in the Universe. Kelly, meanwhile, has killed Sue 3,403,983 times in her head during Sue's never-ending speech.
More dissemination and second-guessing and backseat island voting. Kelly is asked if she shouldn't have gone head-to-head with Rudy instead of Rich. She gives a convoluted explanation, but basically she was trying to avoid voting anyone off. Poor, victimized, traumatized Kelly. Here's $100,000. Go salve your wounds.
Rich is still rubbing Kelly's leg. What up with that?
Rudy is asked why he let the pole go, causing him to lose the immunity challenge against Rich and Kelly. He theorizes that he may have fallen asleep. We get a glimpse of Mrs. Rudy in the audience. The name is apt: She looks like Rudy in a wig and glasses. Rudy says his kids were disappointed. "They're probably at Gillian's," he begins, to which Bryant Gumbel starts laughing inexplicably. Hallucinogenics, much, Bryant?
Believe it or not, the rest of the reunion plays along just like this. Surreal moments mixed with talk-show cheesiness. Let's look at the highlights, shall we?
Sean reveals that being in the jury box and voting people out was "a downer."
Joel and Gervase are still accusing each other of being chauvinist pigs. (It's a close contest, but ultimately a draw, despite Gervase's protestation that he said the cow remark, "But Joel lives and breathes it.")
Sonja and B.B. are brought back in from the cold. Sonja reveals herself to be a quite elegant, classy and articulate lady. B.B. brays a lot.
Rudy is confronted about his attitude toward homosexuals and why he ultimately stuck with Rich (but not in that way). After being asked whether those experiences changed his view of homosexuals, he says, "Naaaaah," to laughter from Rich and the entire audience. Homophobia's funny, ya'll. "The reason I called him queer is so all my good SEAL team buddies could know what I'm talkin' about," Rudy says. Wisdom for the ages.
Survivor parties around the nation are shown. Bikinis abound.
Sean's application tape is shown, revealing him to be naked in the shower, acting silly, yet dumb.
Rudy reveals he's applied for Survivor II: "I'm gonna keep tryin' 'till I win." He is quickly becoming the audience favorite. Rich tries to stick up for him saying Rudy comes from a different generation. Bryant adds that Rudy gave forty-five years of service to his country. That would be the city and country of Crew Cut, Crotchetyville.
Ramona is asked about the odor on the island. She will forever be remembered as the grown-up version of the kid in elementary school who vomited on every bus trip. The consensus is that everybody stunk, but some people (like Ramona) minded it more than others (like Gretchen).
Audience members are invited to ask questions. The first one is what they all ate after leaving the island and whether they'll ever eat rice again. Gervase had PB&J. Sean had pizza. Rich lost about 130 pounds before and during his island stay. Can I make it official? He may have lost a lot of weight, but he gained the equal of that weight in suavitude. Maybe it's the million dollars, but all of a sudden Rich has that John Lithgow glow. Bryant tries to embarrass Rich with a clip of him jiggling his loose stomach fat. Rich doesn't get fazed. He's thinking, "Hey, I'm a millionaire now, asshole. Ask me if embarrassing clips on national TV bother me one bit." Most of the castaways reveal they gained all the weight back they'd lost on the island. Bryant Gumbel laughs. Extraneously.
up is the subject of the alliance. Kelly is still Miss Conflicted Island Castaway 2000. Her tiara is a scale that tips from side to side like a metronome. As far as the alliance, Joel tries to break it down as a generational thing. He brings in the word "corporate." Gretchen, maybe the smartest person there, separates alliance-joining into people who got involved in the game emotionally or intellectually. B.B. talks too, but no one hears a word he's saying.
Sue admits she's a bad liar. A great vengeful being of destruction, carnage and pure evil. But a bad liar.
After being asked whether they thought they were portrayed unfairly on the show, Gretchen says that Greg was not portrayed accurately and that he's much more intelligent than he was shown to be. Jenna jumps in ("He's MY man!") and agrees.
Rich kisses CBS's ass by saying how great the show was and how well it was put together. He's not only the winner, he's the new spokesman for the network.
Missed it the first time? Survivor: Back to the Island is coming. Check your local listings, yo. Unless you'd rather watch the shot put event from Sydney, which I can't even fathom.
Dirk's Survivor application tape consists of him doing a Hunter S. Thompson as he aims a gun as some stray firewood in the backyard.
An audience member asks The Question That Must Always Be Asked about Colleen and Greg's supposed island horizontal mambo. All the while she's asking, the middle-aged woman's eyebrows arch up and down, a marvel of hairy innuendo. After much oohing and ahhing, Colleen finally says nothing happened. She says she was covering up for another relationship going on and she gives Greg a pointed look. Bryant uses his years of interviewing skills to completely forget to ask a follow-up question about that. Go Gumbel! Clips are shown of Greg and Colleen frolicking on the island and Greg says he was trying to throw in some sex and violence. Those crazy, media-savvy kids! Colleen says that distance, plus her desire to date around (gentlemen, start your fan mail!) prevents her from committing to Wild Island Boy.
It is revealed that Rich wasn't the only naked person on the island. Greg, Colleen and Gervase played the Hide the Naughty Bits Behind Digital Garble game, too. Rich again explains his preference for nudity. He also says hi to his son with a wave of his hand. His son at home instinctively ducks his head away from the big, scary TV hand.
Another audience member asks about eating the bugs. Oh good lord, they're showing them again. My nightmares have returned. Gervase agrees with me: Eating those bugs is the Worst. Thing. Ever.
Bryant tries to instigate things with the "Infamous Pairings" game. He points out conflicts between Stacey and Rudy, then Joel and B.B. Rudy says he has a T-shirt at home that says "I Love Stacey." I've already forgotten who B.B. and Joel are, so please don't ask me to give a thirty-seven-days-of-rice crap about their response.
The privacy question is brought up. Everybody gives mad props to the hard-living crew that taped the whole experience. Yay, crew.
We're treated to repeated viewing of the Rich "I Made Me Some Fire" dance. Bryant calls it "real" and "inspired." I could not agree more.
Jenna's cute-as-buttons daughters are shown as she remembers not getting the tape on the island. We're all sad again.
The last bit of the segment is getting Rudy to reinforce his view that these aren't his friends. Rudy's just keepin' it real, y'all.
I'm in the middle of thinking I'm seeing a commercial for the movie Godzilla 2000, but it turns out we're instead seeing Sue's application video. She's got on overalls, pig tails and is holding some flowers as she reads a poem. I can think of many less-painful deaths to endure.
Bryant busts out the CBS unscientific poll after another commercial. According to it, 31% thought the right person won. Forty-five percent would have voted for Rudy to win. Forty-two percent would have gone to Kelly. Rich got 11%. "Did the winner play fair?" Sixty-one percent thought yes. About an even split said they would do what Rich did to win. Seventy-six percent are actually wishing Big Brother was on instead of this so they'd have a good excuse to change the channel.
The bit is about fame. Bryant asks who is changing their career path because of the show. Big surprise: Dr. (Drake) Sean raises his hand. B.B. amazingly doesn't want to be a movie star. B.B.! Why? Don't deny us your lovely face on the silver screen!
thing we see is Jeff Probst in Australia, working on Survivor II. Jeff does not disappoint. He stands on a huge rock in an homage to Mission Impossible: 2. Stock footage of koala bears, alligators and aborigines accompanies his pitch. He calls the tribal council the "delicious but dreaded tribal council." How come nobody gets to ask Jeff any questions? Can't we get a glimpse into the personal thoughts of this great, gentle beast of a man? Couldn't CBS hook that up?
Sonja shatters the myth of Survivor by claiming that she thought the most skilled person would rise to the top, but that didn't happen.
Finally, a good question: Who do they all think should have won based on pure survivor skills? The vote is mixed between Greg and Gretchen.
Before we hit another commercial break, we are treated to the "Reebok Guys" mugging for the camera and being huge, repugnant asses. I am overcome with the desire to feed them to a mass of island beetle larvae and then cut up that larvae and feed it to the rats and then let the islanders cook and eat those rats. I really don't like these guys. At. All.
Greg's audition tape is sufficiently wacky. He even wears a black wig. No need to encourage that sort of behavior here.
Rich presents Rudy with gifts including the "Rowdy Rudy's Diner" sign and the clue to the immunity challenge that Rudy won. Another chapter in the Curmudgeon/Gay Man Peace Accord.
Rich is asked what his final words are and what he'll do with the money. He says he wants to start a place for troubled teens like one that he went to when he was a young buck.
Well, that's it, folks. A terribly boring follow-up to an extremely exciting show. But hey, the advertising money's gotta come from somewhere. Let's hope season washes the ugly after-taste this reunion left in all of our thirsty mouths.