Last week on Survivor: The tribes merged. Idiot Seanvant and Jenna got bored playing ambassador and started a healthy game of doctor. Pagong joined Tagi at their beach, Greg held his breath for a long time, and Gretchen's farewell broke our hearts.
It's Day Twenty-Two on the island. Idiot Seanvant tries for J. Crew but is more International Male as he strolls down the beach in his carefully rolled pants. He tells us it was somber and a "very strange vote" last night. We cut to a confessional of Jenna, who says, "Last night it looks [sic] like there was a conspiracy. And maybe I'm being paranoid and I didn't wanna believe it, but four people from Tagi voted for Gretchen, I think." You think? We then see a sad shot of Gretchen from last week. Hi Gretchen! We miss you and we love you and we've forgiven you for voting for Rudy! Idiot Seanvant says, "The bloodbath has begun," and that strategy is now the only good reason to vote people off. I'm wondering what the good reasons were before; say, voting by shoe size? by who has the birthday? alphabetically? The editors use feet footage to attempt to create suspense. It doesn't work. Greg points out to Gervase that Gretchen didn't like the voting part of Survivor but preferred the survival part, which is exactly what I said last week. I'm not sure if it's a good thing to be on the same wavelength as Greg. Gervase tells us, "At first sight it looks like they, uh, just picked Gretchen off," and I wonder what it looks like at second or third sight.
We are treated to a random shot of very torture-chamber-looking rattan tree, which is supposed to be symbolic of something. As Greg sticks his entire arm down the water hole, Idiot Seanvant tells Gervase and Greg in a very convoluted way that his "former team" voted off Gretchen because she was the leader. We then cut to Richard who says, "She had to go," because "she was a threat." Idiot Seanvant tries to make sure Gervase and Greg know he's not a member of the Three-Headed Beast (or is it the One-Headed-Three-Assed Beast?). He tells them the "duplicity" was particularly bad because people befriended her and then voted her off anyway. Were they supposed to ignore her and then vote her off? Greg sounds irritated with the brainless person whose profession is to diagnose, counsel, and cure, and responds, "Yea, that's the game. If you wanna play that way." Kelly's all defensive in her confessional when she says, "This is a game. Don't take it personally. You know, people came here to make, you know, bosom buddies and, you know, lifelong friends. They should have gone to summer camp." I hate to say it, but she has a point, and she does look really upset as she says it. Gervase say that if it happens again, "[You] can say for sure there's an alliance," and if so he's "more determined than ever to bust that plan up and still kill 'em all and win, you know?" Which sounds more psychotic than competitive; is that how he advises his youth basketball team? I bet they don't have to even compete, they just charm the other team into losing. Jenna tells us that Tagi has five votes to Pagong's four and "whether [we] see it or not," they can "pick us all off one by one." Why wouldn't they see it?
As the S9 ladies load up the raft, Jenna tells us that her strategy is to get the women's vote. She squeakily tells Kelly and Sue they can vote her off because she's excited she made it this far and Sue replies, "There ain't no girls going for a while, you guys." Sue tells us in an extreme close-up that the woman are all workers and adds, "I thought [Jenna] would drive me wild but she doesn't, so...." The doll I pitch to CBS will be Sex Talk Sue, who misappropriates various sexual metaphors and comments. I can just see it on the shelf at Spencer Gifts. Shit and Speak Sean is on the list and he says things like, "So I just had my first bowel movement," and "I am now one of the bowel movers!" when his string is pulled. Sue tells Jenna and Kelly that the "guys' days are numbered," and Jenna high-fives Sue, thinking she's made a friend and not just bought the Brooklyn Bridge. Sue, Kelly and Jenna then catch a crab, which causes them to shriek and laugh, and Sue makes the loudest noise, like a hog call or something. Jenna tells us the girls are carrying the weight of the team. But they still can't figure out how to kill a crab. Kelly yells, "Get 'em. Get 'em, Sue. Beat 'em with the shoe." And then she tells us, "We beat the hell out of the crab with the shoe," and I wonder under which context this merits repeating. In a confessional, Sue says she thinks there's a chance the women would want to form an alliance after a few men have been voted off, and if that happens, "I'll just lead on with them like 'Yeah, that's a good idea,' but, as far as the women forming an alliance or making one, no, it ain't gonna happen. I already got mine. I like mine."
The camp resembles a Pottery Barn catalogue at this point, with lots of woodsy bowls and benches and stuff. Maybe they'll come up with the Survivor series of coffee and end tables. As we see shots of various Rattana members construed to look like they're starving and dying (all we really need is Colleen to advance the wasting-away premise), Kelly tells us that Rich is still the only one who catches fish, and meanwhile, the rice is running out. As Colleen squats on her haunches, she looks like one of those award-winning starving Ethiopian photos from the mid-1980s. Sue yells at Talking Rudy Doll for putting both bowls on the fire and says, "You don't have to be stingy." As Greg looks on, amazed at the oddity of the former Tagi tribe, Talking Rudy Doll says, "I ain't above eatin'." When Talking Rudy Doll says a good line, he knows he said a good line and cracks himself up. Talking Rudy Doll's string is pulled and he repeats the exact same phrase he used last week about everything getting smaller. Sue and Talking Rudy Doll calculate that the current rice supply will last two days. Sue tells us that she wishes some of the other people would start conserving a little more as we see shots of Gervase and Colleen shoveling bowl after bowl into their obviously overfed bodies. Sue says "people that are being pigs" should eat less, so there's more for her at the end.
Meanwhile, Richard is out poking around in mysterious underwater holes while Caribbean music plays. He snags a baby shark and throws it in the net with a ray. What keeps the shark from eating the ray once they're in there together? Gervase tells us that fishing is "Rich's job." Gervase's job is quite obviously to keep them all entertained with his charming personality, except that they must be editing out all of the times when he exhibits said personality. As Richard comes in with the catch, Colleen seems to have acquired Idiot Seanvant's New York accent as she exclaims, "Four!" Richard holds up the net and says, "What a catch: a ray, a parafish, a catfish, and a nice little nurse shark." Akin to Gretchen's ghetto turn last week, Rich says in Greg's face, "Baby's got some protein today!" and Greg says, "Yeah," but it more like a "Yeah, right." As Greg marches up to the camp, he yells, "Get the torches going! Get everything happening! This is big time, you guys!" like he's a trumpeter. Or maybe a court jester. As Gervase cheers, "Fish! Fish!" instead of "Rich! Rich!" Richard says, "Now which of you sons of bitches wrote my name on a card last night?" and in the preview they made it look like this was a big confrontational moment but it's clearly said in jest here. Gervase's hand shoots up and is quickly followed by Greg's. Colleen looks around and raises her hand too and looks all proud of herself for getting away with it because she actually did vote for Rich. Idiot Seanvant sits there with a grinning dumb expression on his face like, "I thought Rich only got one vote at Tribal Council last week."
Rich tells us in a confessional that he thinks Greg voted for him, but it could have been anyone. He also says the S9 just "lapped up" the fish he brought today. As we see the group gather around the catch, Rich salivatingly describes yet another fish as "pretty meaty;" the others just stare as the fish flops and gasps for air. Greg says, "Well let's make 'em dead soon so they can stop suffocating," and Rich continues to look down at the dying fish in a fascinated way. Maybe he'll pull one of their fins off soon or stick pins in their eyes. As Rich does something (presumably kills) to the fish off screen, we hear a thud and Colleen asks if there isn't some more humane way of killing her dinner. Rich then tells us in a confessional that he could eat rice the whole time but that "they're lovin' the fish and it seems to make everyone feel great and I squeeze every ounce of credit out of it that I can. Cackle. Cackle. Cackle." While the fish are cooking, Rich calls Sue "Suzy-Q," and Kelly uses the word "Dang!"
I experience an overwhelming sensation of déjà vu as Greg says, "Rich is playing a big game. I think Rich is very clever. He has a lot of things going on in his mind that he, uh, selectively decides what he will share and with whom." Oh wait. It's the same clip we heard last week. More sneaky feet shots segue to cameramen darting behind trees to catch Greg and Richard in the incriminating act of walking on the beach. Rich tells Greg that he thinks religion is "what destroys our society." Greg announces, "Rich gets rouwnchy," which is, I think, supposed to be "raunchy," which still seems wrong since that usually means dirty or rude or something like that. Rich tells us he suspects Greg may be trying to make an alliance with him. We then see a shot of what the editors would have you believe is a love triangle with Richard, Colleen, and Greg, but which is only artful camera work, since Jenna is visible at one point. Greg tips his coconut at someone, and we're made to think it's at Richard and that that's somehow symbolic of his situation with Colleen, but it's not. He could be tipping his coconut to Gretchen hanging out over at the Pulau Tiga Bar and Grill, but we'll never know. Jenna tells us she sees Greg in a completely new way, a more devious way, and that since the move, "He's so transparently [sic] to me, anyway, I've changed my whole attitude towards Greg." It would have been good if Jenna changed her attitude towards Greg after, say, the first two times he voted against her.
We then see Greg and Colleen strolling down the beach as Greg tells us in a voice-over that the game is interesting in that you make friends with people, and then cut them loose. Jenna tells us that Greg works everyone in the group and that "he's always had Colleen wrapped around his little finger." When then get a shot of a flustered Colleen in a confessional exclaiming, "It's not like that!" which could be a response to a question whether the coconut milk tastes more like milk or like coconut, but we're made to think it's a response to Jenna's prior comment even though she couldn't know Jenna's comment unless the cameraman just baited her with it. She tries to claim that if there were girls on the island with whom she got along, she'd be in the same place. She feels Greg's her "equal." And that's the last we see of Colleen as she floats down the river of Denial in her fetching sunhat and sarong. Colleen tells Greg they're not talking about "yesterday night" and jokes that she's voting for him time. They then both giggle. Greg tells us, "This is the game. You bring this little kitty along. You have your little kitten. And you pet your kitten and you enjoy this kitten and the kitten sleeps with you every night and then, uh, you're hungry, man, and you look right in the kitten's eye and you snap its neck. It's nothing personal. You're hungry. The kitten has to give its life for the level." Throughout this bizarre speech, we see shots of Colleen fluffing her hair and licking her paws and playing with a ball of twine. All right, so she's just fluffing her hair, but she looks very feline here. We cut back to their conversation where she says, "What is it about your pet cat?" and that suggests to me that they've either discussed this before and that he's not talking about Colleen or that another loose-lipped camera man made $50 for this one. And for the record, no matter how hungry I've gotten, I've never thought my dog should give her life so I could get to "the level." Kelly tells us Greg is a chameleon, as we cut to a shot of Rich and Greg all cuddlybuddly in the hammock. Rich tells us they've interacted in an interesting way that "suggests to [Richard] that he's trying something that [Richard's] very very wary of and that's great!" Jenna tells us that Rich finds Greg attractive and that Greg is playing him. Poor, defenseless Rich. Over the campfire that night, Rich "gets real personal" he asks if any of the S9 men have been with another guy. Gervase doesn't have time to be with other guys he's so busy with the ladies. Greg stutters, "I mean, just, you know, kids' stuff. I mean, you know, I mean, you know..." We're supposed to take this to mean he HAS been with other guys but I think it's more like he HASN'T been with other guys but wants Rich, who's busy nuzzling up against him, to think he has. Greg tells us in a confessional that Rich likes to flirt: "Instead of directly shutting him down I only played his game back." Greg looks demonic in night vision. Rich announces that he's surprised that Greg is the shy one on tape and Greg tells him, "I'll tell you the story later," as if he thinks he's Shahrazad and this is the condensed production of Thirty Nine Arabian Nights. Rich tells us that Greg is manipulative but not in a "bright enough way for me." He tells us he'd like to spend more time with Greg but he'd rather have the million dollars than someone like Greg around to worry about. That night as Rattana sleeps, two rats crawl on Greg. Like to like.
Back from commercial, Richard wiggles down the beach like a Butok to fetch the challenge. He hoists a makeshift archery target onto his head and reads the poem, which tells us that the prize is something from Home Depot, because they've jumped on the marketing bandwagon too. Oh wait. It's just something from home. Kelly approaches and says, "I'm never gonna win anything around here." Self-awareness ranks very high on my list of positive character attributes. Idiot Seanvant says, "You know if it has anything to do with something from home, I'd like Jenna to win it." As if they're not sitting right to each other. Jenna thinks it's pictures and Idiot Seanvant thinks it may be a care package. Kelly tells us that Jenna misses her daughters "terribly," in case we didn't get it from the million clips we've seen between last week and this week. The S9 practice for the challenge and Sue tells us it's very even because "these bow and arrows and these arrows [sic], none of 'em are straight." They seem to be having fun and are encouraging and helping each other. Not at all like the time I threw a dart at my cousin and it lodged in his admittedly well-padded gut.
A canopied speedboat bearing Bob Denver -- I mean "Just Peachy" approaches the Rattana beach. The men and Kelly unload a big crate from the boat as Peachy's hairsprayed coif begins to crack in the wind. The girls decide that it's a refrigerator full of food; Colleen thinks it might be ice cream sandwiches. Or maybe fifty saucers full of milk. Peachy opens the crate to reveal a television, on which he says they'll watch short clips of video sent from home, and that the winner of the challenge will get to watch a longer tape. As he dramatically pushes in the tape he announces, "With that, I give you this: a little something from home!"
First up is a very sweet-faced little guy who doesn't look that fat at all! You got it! He's Rich's son. He has a very timid voice and stutters a bit but says he's doing "pretty well." He appears to be sitting in a jail cell of some sort. Or a classroom. Richard, looking very proud and amused, says, "That is really cool," and Sue says, "It is cool" because she's good at repeating what Rich says. Kelly's freaker boyfriend looks and talks just like her. He says, "Come home and let's go kayaking. I'm ready to go. Peace," and then makes the peace symbol with both hands. He talks just like her saying things like "git" instead of "get." I think they mixed up the tape labels and that's her brother, not her boyfriend. Greg's sister Julie is popped in ; she does seem aware that others might be watching as she asks the castaways to join in when she says, "You make momma real proud. Don't go shamin' the family, sleepin' with everybody on the island." She makes lots of kissy sounds. My tape then spontaneously reverted to a showing of The Spy Who Shagged Me. Fat Bastard sits on in couch with Scott Evil and Mr. Bigglesworth and recites a poem: "You are me. I am you. And you are me. Together we make it to eternity. Not bad, eh?" Somewhere in the middle of this "poem," we are informed that this is Sue's husband, Tim. He then picks up Sue's dog Stimpy who is sitting on the lap of a kid who, on second sight, looks more like Kid Rock's little person than Seth Green. Tim carries Stimpy to the camera making kissy noises. I wonder if the producers included some information on the effectiveness of kissy noises on reinforcing morale when they approached the families for tapes. Susan laughs like a mule and then yells, "Aaagh, my dog looks so depressed!" Suddenly, Colleen's parents pop up out of a bed, which is fairly creepy. We also meet her sister -- I mean "cat." up is a paid advertisement for some older female Republican's gubernatorial campaign. Or maybe it's just Rudy's wife. She says, "Hi, Rudy. I bet you're surprised to see me on the island with you," and the other castaways start catcalling and hooting. She holds up Rudy's granddaughter and says she's proud of him whether he wins or not and that she knows he "likes the challenge." Idiot Seanvant's yelling in the background "Forty-five years!" Do you think they'd like to be my grandparents? Jeff says, "That's a love letter," and Talking Rudy Dolls sneers, "Yeah. It was nice." Idiot Seanvant's sister drives his Range Rover, which he tells us they call "The Blue Bomber," and makes some lame joke about crashing the car. As Sean's whole family appears on the screen they look scarily like a sitcom family as they say in tandem, "Come home soon, but not too soon!" Gervase's very cute afro-puffed (tm Stee) daughter shows up on a bouncy toy. She says, "Waazzuupp?" and he says it back, but better, which is good since he has about thirty years on her. She comes up to the camera and blows him a kiss while the S9 ooh and ahh and Jenna says, "She's beautiful," thinking that hers are cuter and wait until everyone sees them. Gervase says, "That's my heart and my soul. Everything, baby," which makes me wonder how his other three kids feel when they see this.
Peachy grabs his big moment and says, "Well, it breaks my heart to say this, Jenna," although there's in big old grin on his face. He tells her that they never received a tape from her family and he's "really sorry." Her face and body literally crumble and it's very sad. The other castaways comfort her and seem genuinely disappointed and slightly angry about the poorly handled situation. Even the alliance seems earnest as Rich says, "It's alright, Sweetie," and Susan exclaims, "Aw, man," as she glares at Just Peachy. Rich is in plotting position; he watches Jenna and then looks at Peachy like, "What could possibly be accomplished by this?" I suspect Peachy made no friends with this dick move. Jenna's voice cracks as she tries to put on a happy face and says, "Are we gonna do the archery now?" Peachy chirps that there's an "upside"; the reward is two-part: a private screening of the winning survivor's full five-minute tape, and then the chance to make a tape of his or her own. Peachy guarantees that Jenna's tape will get there because he'll "put it in the mail [himself]." Oh, how very big of our fake-and-bake Peachy.
The castaways head over to the target and Peachy says they get one arrow each. Greg goes first and hits just outside the bullseye. Jenna goes second and just misses; she exclaims, "Oh! I wanted to see my daughters!" which makes no sense because even if she won she wouldn't get to see them, but they'd see her, so I guess that's what she means. The rest of the challenge proceeds anticlimactically as no one comes close to Greg; I was surprised that the producers did not employ some crafty editing here to create more suspense. Greg has the option of letting the others watch his sister's tape with him and he says that since it will be funny, "at least she can provide entertainment for other people," which is either phrased poorly or suggests that he himself does not plan to be entertained.
The tape beings with Julie singing, "Mooka Looka Maw Maw Ping Ping. Click. Click. Click. Click," and then continues for five more minutes in no more comprehensible a manner. Various other castaways looks amused and confused. Julie calls Greg "Ping Ping" and makes several big "Uh!" humping gestures. She tells him that in any circumstance where he's "in a quandary, in a pickle, in a bind," he should think about what Billy Joel would do.
As Julie rambles on, making for a good history of insanity should she ever decide to kill someone, we see Jenna hitting target after target as she beats herself up over the loss. Greg's sister then says they should think about what animals on the island are sleeping right now which sounds odd until Greg explains that that's how their mother used to put them to sleep at night. They must have borrowed the oboe of dramatic music (tm Pamie) from Get Real since it flares in the background while Jenna continues to shoot at the target.
Meanwhile, disturbing kissing and humping gestures ensue on the tape. Rich says he thinks Julie tried to make Greg laugh. Idiot Seanvant says he's glad to have seen Julie: "At least we know he's not the only screwball in the family." I'd like to meet Greg's parents. Or maybe I'd just like to observe them in a glass cage. Peachy then videotapes Greg who boyishly says, "Hi, Jule. I just wanna say, you know, that it's really special for you to send me, and everybody here, what you did. We felt like we could feel you, and we felt you. Some of us felt you, and others just imagined what it's like to feel you." Talking Rudy Doll looks on with disgust and tells us, "I can't understand a guy talking to his sister that way. It sounded like Greg was, uh, talking maybe incest. That's the way it sounded to me." Greg insists, "Why not make allusions? It crosses all those borders. God! What are people gonna think? And sexual allusions toward my sister. What's gonna happen!" and as he screams this last part he covers his face with his hands in jest, except not many people get a good chuckle out of incest. Talking Rudy Doll makes a cameo on Greg's tape and says, "Julie, we gotta put up with this for about two more weeks, then uh, we might kill him. Is that doin' you a favor?" Talking Rudy Doll looks really proud of himself and slaps Greg on the back. Jenna, who has stopped her archery practice because the target is full of bullseyes, tells us she misses her "beauties" and that she can't imagine her mother not sending the tape. She saps, "It woulda done wonders to see that my kids are okay. To hear their voices. To hear 'I love you mommy.'" A sappy piano has washed up on shore and Peachy is just off screen tickling the ivories.
Rich tells us, "Yesterday was cool. We had that reward challenge with the bow and arrow and the reward was the, uh, videotapes from home. And for me, that was way better than food!" Here's another instance where it seems pretty evident this was taped like days or weeks or months or years after the event occurred as Richard seems to need to remind himself what he did yesterday. Gervase tells us that seeing videotapes of everyone's families makes it more difficult to vote people off, even those he didn't previously like. As he says this, we see Sue sniveling and wiping her eyes and face with her sleeve and Kelly emerging from the water. I decide that I really don't need to see another shot of Colleen's scarred legs. Kelly says she felt bad for Jenna because she practiced so long on that "stupid bow and arrow and then it was just like why bother for her?" Jenna shows us her scars from the archery in a baby-talk voice, which doesn't evoke much sympathy from me; she did it to herself after the fact, when she could have been preparing for another challenge during that time instead of beating Just Peachy's dead horse. She tells the S9 that she'll cry when she gets kicked off, but her consolation is that she'll get to go home and see her kids. A particularly un-charming Gervase says in a confessional that Jenna is a threat to him because they're both single parents and she's "tugging on people's emotions and that could sway somebody not to vote for Jenna and that's a threat for" him. This segues to Gervase's work ethic, or lack thereof. Jenna tells us she doesn't see Gervase do any work, and Sue says more people makes for more slackers and tells Idiot Seanvant, "He's a nice guy but I don't like..." and then her head whips around because she thinks someone is coming but it's probably just a cameraman crinkling a Twinkie wrapper, and then continues, "I don't like feeding people." She's wearing a bright red sarong top and skirt but Idiot Seanvant doesn't notice because he's made senseless by the armpit in his face as she rests against a tree. Gervase tells us that Rich fishes, Rudy cooks, Idiot Seanvant hauls wood, and that he just sits back and relaxes. Greg says that Gervase is honest, and is an "example for people thrown out of their element to really succeed and have a great time, which Gervase has." Gervase tells us he's survived so long because he's entertaining and he's "just being [himself]." Sue says, "Gerv is not that charming, trust me." Against all that I know to be true, I'll take Sue's word on this one.
Idiot Seanvant and Gervase check the mail and find a poem written on a bunch of little strips of paper tied together by a string. It's performance art. Or the work of an advanced kindergarten class. The poem says something about needing luck and Jenna says, "At least this way I have a chance." Peachy pops out from behind a tree and tells us that since the merger, "Nothing has been more important than voting strategy," and that the "gears are turning" and "nobody's safe." I think Just Peachy would rather be playing Macbeth than doing the narrator gig. The challenge is as follows: A maze of ropes runs through the jungle with various checkpoints throughout this course. The S9 have to navigate the course and its various dead ends to reach all five checkpoints and grab a carabiner from each, always remaining connected to one of two ropes, which they must attach and detach at various junctures. Peachy smugly demonstrates that he can "spin around and maneuver" with finesse. Peachy starts the S9 and Gervase is off like there's some hot buttered popcorn at the end of the race. There's one shot of Rudy charging through the jungle that I just loved, even though I knew he didn't have a chance. Gervase scales a log much better than he did in the Bungle in the Jungle. Jenna has more difficulty with the log and as Idiot Seanvant comes up behind her, it looks like he's trying to push her over. Some people might think that's a kind gesture, and it might be, but since it appears to be a one-person log, he's not going anywhere until she gets over, so it's also self-serving. At one point the screen flashes "Currently Leading" as Gervase appears, "Currently Second" as Jenna appears, and "Currently Lost" as Greg fumbles around singing "Mooky Mooky Mow Mow Looky Looky" and searching for sleeping animals. The screen then flashes "Still Leading," with Gervase, "Still Second" with Jenna, and "Lost Again" with Greg, which cracked me up. There's not much suspense here since Gervase wins handily, having been ahead since the first second of the race. Idiot Seanvant still appears to be competing even when the rest of the S9 are congratulating Gervase.
A crab skittering across the sand now signifies not only daybreak, but also bad news. Kelly says, "I feel like I feel every Tribal Council, only it gets worse every time. I feel like a backstabber. I feel like a liar." Well, if it walks like a backstabber, and it talks like a backstabber....Talking Rudy Doll says, "People are starting to look around right now because it's starting to get down to the wire and, uh, evidently we're the only ones who had a plan right now," which is the most intelligent thing I've heard said on this show so far since it acknowledges how ludicrous it is that the ex-Pagongers are so defenseless. Greg must have gone into seclusion before the vote, since they seem unable to find any fresh footage and repeat another clip from last week: "The voting now should get very interesting. If people are fear- and self-preservation-motivated they'll band together, they'll form alliances, they'll start beating people out. But fear-motivated self-preservation is the worst game I could imagine." Is there an echo in here? As he says this, we get obligatory devious shots of the alliance members. Then we get a weird shot of a skeleton of some sort that actually doesn't look like it came from Pottery Barn. Kelly tells us you can't "stay true to yourself" and "maintain integrity" and still play the game. Talking Rudy Doll curmudgeons, "It's cut and dried that we can eliminate somebody every time. And if we don't, I'll have to break somebody's kneecap or something." Sounds like Talking Rudy Doll and Gervase might be going at it after the vote; maybe Gervase will kill him with kindness. Kelly gets "freaky" sometimes according to Sue, who says
she's like, "Just vote this and shut up!" Kelly says she has to keep telling herself that she didn't "come here to make friends" but that she likes "these people." "These people" and "you people" are two of the most innocuously offensive statements I often hear. I had an old boss who used to call me "you people," and it drove me insane.Idiot Seanvant, Gervase, and Colleen amble through the woods and Gervase tells them that alliances are fair game. He can talk all tough now that he's wearing the immunity idol. He says they should have voted Rudy off and then voted their conscience. Woulda shoulda coulda didn't. Colleen looks amused and says, "Right now, we have the upper hand," which shows me she didn't major in math -- or logic for that matter -- down there in Miami. Gervase says, "Always keep the upper hand, because if they try something, you can stop it," which makes more for common sense than for perfect sense. Colleen then tells us in a confessional, "We have the upper hand right now. Easy. We have four people [and] we could come together, have a vote, and get the person off." In what alternate universe does Colleen reside? I only ask because half the male posters would like to move there.
They hike to Tribal Council, and we get a shot of a snake that could well be somewhere in the zip code. As Peachy's ass hits the money trunk, a sound effect makes a big thud. He welcomes them and explains that the seven who don't make it to the finals will act as the jury in fifteen days. He calls out Richard once again and asks how he balances "the ruthlessness required to get to the final two with the likability needed to get the final vote." Richard says, "I'm not even exactly sure what my strategy's gonna be as to who I'm gonna vote for from week to week. I'm just gonna keep getting fish, feedin' people, hope they're happy. Cackle. Cackle." Peachy then asks Gervase the same question. He says he's "wingin' it," and that seeing the videos of families and loved ones who care for the others has made the vote harder. This seems to me like a dis on Jenna's lack of loved ones or at least a cold disregard for how such a comment might make her feel -- as if her family didn't care enough to send the tape. Peachy asks Jenna if she was surprised when Gretchen got voted off, and Jenna says that when the tribes merged, strategies shifted: "It looked like they were getting rid of leaders." She says this as if she's deduced something very tricky. She then says that if they vote her off she'll "wear it like a badge of honor." Peachy says, "Susan, straight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever. Oh. Oh. Oh. Or are you just having fun?" No, that's not what he says. What he really says is, "Susan, straight up now tell me is it gonna be you and me forever. Oh. Oh. Oh. Or am I caught in a hit and run?" Okay, I'll stop now. Peachy really says, "Susan, straight up. Is there an alliance?" She looks over at her brain for help, but Richard can't throw his voice just yet. In what could be the worst stint of acting since Elizabeth Berkeley in Showgirls, Sue waits twenty seconds and then replies, "No. Not that I....I vote people off that I don't care for, you know, that really would irritate me if I was working with them at a job or something like that and, uh, here I got a chance to vote them off. I can get rid of 'em. It's like, yeah!" Jenna claps here, for some odd reason. Aside from the fact that Sue lies like a four-year-old, the content of the lie in itself is unbelievable. Of course, Kelly answers the same thing when Peachy calls her out. After saying, "Do I have to answer? No, I'm just kidding," she shakes her head and says, "I vote for who I don't particularly like. I vote for who I don't want to spend the fifteen days with." Peachy turns to a beaming Colleen and asks if she would do "whatever it takes to get this money," which sounds like a proposition to me. She sweetly shakes her head no and agrees that winning isn't important enough. He asks her why she's on the island, and she says, "I mean, I'm here for the money too, I mean, I mean, give me a break -- of course." Here she looks around at the others and gestures like, "What kind of stupid question is that?" She continues: "But the thing is is that everybody's here for the money. You know, I mean, I'm not gonna listen to everybody's sob stories and then weigh them; that's ridiculous." We know what you mean.
Gervase votes for Jenna because she's missing her kids and it's "really hurtin' her" and "this is her ticket," and it of course has nothing at all to the threat he perceives from her that he told us about earlier. Colleen votes for Jenna but we get no explanation, which I'd really like to hear in light of her earlier "upper hand" comment. Idiot Seanvant votes for Greg in his is alphabet strategy and says, "I don't think this vote's gonna mean very much," and either this means he knows Greg is going, or he's sure Greg is staying, and in either case it would be nice to know. Greg votes for Jenna and says, "First time for paranoia. Second time for irritation. And third time because my ear infection is clearing up." But his brain infection, on the other hand, appears to be getting worse. Rich votes for Greg, sings a verse of Good Night Sweetheart, and then says, "No more competition. Talk to you later, Greg. Bye Bye." It's smug, but it's entertaining. Peachy reminds them that the tally is final, which makes me wonder if anyone yet has begged and screamed and tied themselves to a rattan tree to try to stay. This time Peachy shakes it up for suspense and reads three votes in row for Jenna, who giggles, then smiles, then gets serious. He sure is picking on her in this episode. Maybe she rebuffed him, too, during the Sand Pit Summit. Greg, who sits behind her, pats her back, but he should be patting himself on the back, because Peachy starts calling his name and doesn't stop. At some point, Greg stops looking like he's falling asleep and perks up. Peachy reads Greg's name for the fifth time and Greg pretends to cry, saying, "No. I don't wanna!" Colleen laughs for the last time at Greg's antics as Peachy says, "Take care, Greg." Greg baby-talks his way off the island and Talking Rudy Doll says, "I believed him for a minute." And Rich says, "You believed him, Rudy?" And Rudy says, "For a minute there. When the tears started. Look at the tears back there." For someone involved in a passionate love affair, Colleen seems pretty giggly. And poor Jenna, I just realized that now she pretty much knows no one is on her side. As they leave Tribal Council, she's talking to Colleen, but she should know that Colleen had to vote against either her or Greg. Then again, she's a Pagong. She probably thinks Colleen wrote the wrong name down by accident.