Udder Revenge

Last week on Survivor : Gervase threw all laws of God and nature into chaos when he actually contributed to his team's effort. Colleen and Greg auditioned for He Said, She Said II: Island Boogaloo. Dirk banged his Bible all the way back to Wisconsin.

At the start of this week's episode, Just Peachy appears and tells us it's Day Sixteen on the island and that the castaways are "starting to plan for the future" because in three days they'll merge into a single tribe. He repeats this in a variety of ways and concludes with the words, "This week's episode finds the impending merger on everyone's mind." At some point during this speech, the beaten dead horse comes back to life but immediately suffers violent seizures at the sound of Just Peachy's continued yammering.

At Tagi, we see a shot of a little crab skittering across the sand and then a bigger crab dropping into a sand hole as New Age-y music plays in the background. Richard and Kelly lounge in hammocks while Rudy yawns. Susan tells us, "We're having a Pagong day. We're layin' around doing nothing." Richard says, "A change is coming, as they say," referring to the upcoming merger and not to a new Bob Dylan release, and Kelly says she thinks the Pagongers are "nice people" but that they're not taking the situation seriously. As we see a shot of the Pagong team frolicking in the mud, high-fiving each other and applying lipstick, she tells us, "They're playing island ; they think that they're gonna go to their little mud volcano and give each other facials and they don't really need to do anything because they're just here to look good on TV." Personally, I see Kelly in the whiny Hillary Swank axed-by-Aaron-Spelling-in-the-seventh-season role, so that may explain her bitterness. Susan names the three people from Pagong that will have to go: Greg, because he's "just too psychotic," Jenna because she's a "speedball" and "she'll grow old really fast," and Gervase because "he's a pervert." I think Sue just described herself. ["Which time?" -- Wing Chun]

At Tagi, Richard sits naked on a stump and says, "It's funny when I hear, 'How come you're naked all the time?' I'm naked less than one percent of the time. I'd like to be naked all the time. That would be smarter in this one-hundred-degree weather." I don't think any dermatologist would agree that exposing one's entire body to the hundred-degree sun is a "smart" move. We get a shot of Susan just laughing which could be a response to anything and which is an example of the type of editing that pisses me off on these reality shows. It could be the same clip they used to show her scoffing at Sean's bowling alley two weeks ago and it's not like we're inclined to take them at their word. Kelly tells us that Richard walks around naked and that it bothers some of the guys. Sean says it seems "childish and immature" and like "grandstanding and walking around on national TV." Dirk Jiggler's answer, as he gestures nakedly and fanatically is, "Your life, my life, different things, who cares, or something like that." He's going for the Buddha thing -- I get it now. We then see a lovely squatting shot of Buddha who turns and says, "Peachy," which just has to be a big giant shout-out. Now we know who he's got his eye on. Richard also tells us that he doesn't care if it's girls or guys around, he's willing to impose his nakedness on anyone within seeing distance. Sean went one whole episode without a homophobic comment and has a lot of catching up to do. He's off to a great start with, "If there's any gay horny men out there that want a horny man in return, I know one." Rudy says, "I don't agree with his lifestyle and, uh, I told him that. And he probably don't agree with mine." He looks mildly disgusted as he says this, but he's seen his share of naked men, be sure of that -- does he expect us to believe they don't shower in the navy? Rudy then tells us in a confessional, "I finally went along with this alliance and if I didn't I'd be out of here probably this vote or the one after." I valued Rudy's decision not to join last week, and I value his decision to join this week. Maybe I just like Rudy and want him to win, but he seems to do what he needs to do and not to stir up trouble, but just gets by. Back at the group, Richard says, "I think with an alliance that we establish here, we can do very, very well." Rudy responds, "If you don't, uh, you're out!" I'm going to pitch to CBS a talking Rudy doll -- where you pull the string and he growls various comments including my favorite, the gleeful, "Because I don't like 'er. And I never will!" Richard tells us he's always supported Rudy and that he wants to keep him around until the round. Back in the group, Rudy's right on when he says, "You think they wouldn't do it to us?" and Richard answers, "No, of course they would." Richard's smooth. Or maybe he just promises he'll put his clothes back on if they go along with him. In a confessional he shiftily says, "I don't think somebody's in control of our group in particular. I think I'm in control of whose being voted off. And I think that's all that matters to me." Word. As long as it's not Rudy.

At Pagong, Greg wakes all sleepy-faced from a nap in the woods and gives the camera a cute grin. We then get a random shot of him buttoning up his shirt as he sings the theme from Mr. Rogers, and Gretchen jumps in, reinforcing my theory that she likes him because he reminds her of one of her children. Colleen then cheerily says, "Morning, Greg! Morning, Gretchen." Jenna just scratches.

Gervase tells us he did something stupid to "poke at the girls," and luckily this can be interpreted non-literally. Jenna angrily tells us that Gervase made an offensive comment. She's very angry, swiping at bugs or smoke in the air but wishing it were Gervase, which is exactly what I do when he opens his mouth. In his confessional, Gervase confidently announces, "Girls are the stupidest thing on this planet to cows," apparently at the probing of a crew member looking for his fifty-dollar bonus check because even Gervase isn't dumb enough to repeat, voluntarily, such an ignorant statement. Gervase says he was discussing it in the context of relationships and that "guys and girls" do stupid things. Except he left out the "guys" part. Jenna can't get around being called stupid, and I find it hard to believe that she's never been called stupid before. In a confessional, Gretchen tells us that she told the girls to "moo" when they vote for Gervase. Gervase said, "You know, I'm being particularly apologetic because it was stupid," and you know he means he's apologetic because he said it and got caught, not because he offended the women. Colleen gestures and says, "He's like in this box with no fricking way out, like blah blah blah blah blah," and she makes sock puppet gestures with her hands to enunciate the blahs, which sound suspiciously like the voices of Charlie Brown's parents. Joel then says, "If you let 'em talk long enough they'll probably get you out of the box. They're good for that," which doesn't sound any better than the cow-ment as saying something is "good for that" is usually derogatory. Colleen giggles and says in a confessional, "He's on a free ride, man. He's untouchable. I don't know how he gets through. He's called women cows; he doesn't do stuff half the time." We then get a shot of Gervase sleeping in the hammock. Gervase tells us in what appears to be perfectly audible range of other Pagong members, "I haven't done a thing out here since I've been here, it seems like, and that's cool. Joel does the fishing; he does the paddling. I'm just out there hanging on the raft with him. When they built that hut on the beach, I was nowhere near there, I was in the shade somewhere, you know, I was looking for a coconut or something. I think everybody has done cooking rice at one point in time. I have yet to cook anything." Each statement is accompanied by a shot of lazy Gervase, either sitting on the raft, drinking, or eating, while others slave away. As much as I dislike Gervase, I have a really difficult time imagining him saying this stuff without his tongue in his cheek. Like maybe he really said, "According to Colleen, I haven't done a thing out here," and so on. I mean, how dumb can he be? He can't possibly be dumb as a, well, a cow, can he? Jenna tells us she can't figure out why she hasn't voted for Gervase yet, especially since she knows he voted for her. We then see Jenna stumbling down the beach weighed down by about seventeen canteens, while Gervase skips along to her. Gervase tells us it's about "charm and personality" and I wonder what kind of company the Pagongers keep if they find this lazy, ignorant sloth to be such a prize.

Back at Tagi, Peachy tells us that Tagi grows more hungry each day, and that there'll be another reward challenge for food. This time, the clue's not on Crane's parchment paper, but taped onto a can of food. Another poem; this one rhymes "island" with "stockpilin'" and later, "smilin'." Richard says, "My guess is this is a clue." You think? Rudy makes himself useful with a knife and thrusts it into Richard's naked gut. Okay, he doesn't; he opens a can. The others hover around and Richard says, "What do you think it is? Smell anything yet?" My freeze frame just paused on Richard's face and he's actually a handsome man. But the pause does a funhouse mirror kind of thing so he's a bit lengthened. Richard says, "Stewed tomatoes. That'd suck." which cracked me up. Rudy opens it and they instantly start yelling that it looks like dog food. Rudy practically inserts his whole face into the can and proclaims, "Smells good, though," which would also be a good phrase for the Rudy doll. The Tagi take turns smelling and agree that it is dog food. Richard says it's "like stew" and starts eating it and has no reaction at first but then the aftertaste appears to get to him and he exclaims, "Oawhhhhh!" and the rest giggle while he nakedly gags and retches blood. This reminds me of a contest my roommate and other friend had in college, where we kept seeing something called "potted meat food product" on the shelves of the local dive grocery store. My very girly roommate and very non-girly friend Simon decided to engage in a Potted Meat Eat-Off in which they'd go spoonful for spoonful. After much sniffing and many false starts, Simon bailed after a few bites and Anna asked for a cracker, because it tasted like pâté, and was declared the victor.

At Pagong, Gervase thinks the can might contain "larvae in tomato sauce" while optimistic Jenna suggests ravioli and then chili. Greg opens it, says, "Um," looks more closely and comments, "I didn't think it would be dog food." Jenna daintily smells the can and agrees that it might be dog food; she then dabs a little on her finger and eats it, looking a great deal like Anna did as she downed potted meat. Gervase says, "I'm not gonna ruin that chicken with damn dog food." Greg says, "Purina Chow Chow" and Jenna responds, "No, I would say Alpo," and this whole scene is naturally very funny as Gervase then says, "Make your coat nice and shiny," and now he's calling her a dog? Jenna wants to eat the Alpo and Gretchen advises, "You don't want to cook it all the way," whereas I'd probably boil it for a day or so. Jenna says that it's just dog food and Colleen comments, "What if it's dog?" Greg tells us, "I choose my preservatives and chemicals wisely and that really would have thrown everything off balance." Gretchen and Jenna root and pick in the dog food and look totally disgusted. In a shout-out to Anna, Jenna says, "Over South Seas it's like pâté." In Baltimore too, hon.

Just Peachy tells us that the reward challenge pretends that fleeing troops have abandoned their barracks and left behind two can openers, two pocket knives, and two army helmets. In the three-person relay, each participant must locate one of the three items, but cannot duplicate one his/her teammate has already found. I can't believe they couldn't come up with something better than an army helmet. The prize includes some non-horsemeat canned goods and a chocolate bar. I'm thinking they woke the S11 in the middle of the night to participate in this challenge because they all look very sleepy. Jenna and Sean are the first leg and Speedball kicks his ass. Once inside the barracks, they wave their flashlights around for effect while urgent music plays in the background. Sean eagerly announces, "I got the army helmet!" and returns to the starting point, where Susan's running the leg. When she reaches the barracks, she pulls out the list and goes over it again and commits its complicated terms to memory, "One can opener. One pocket knife." She finds the knife as Gervase enters the barracks and heads back out to Richard, where she whispers, "I got the pocketknife. Now get the can opener." As he heads off, Sue urges him to, "Take the list!" and repeats, "Can opener. Can opener." He takes off and Kelly yells, "Can opener!" for good measure. And all of this reminding felt very silly as if they were trying to make this challenge seem much harder than it actually was until Richard actually returns with a duplicate knife, as the screen flashes, "Duplicate! Duplicate!" Peachy allows Tagi to celebrate their victory for a bit before bringing them down as he skips over and happily says, "Tough break. You thought you had the can opener. You actually had the second knife, Pagong's knife, it goes to them, that's your three items, victory for Pagong." After Pagong celebrates for about fifteen minutes, Kelly grabs the flashlight and starts heading back in and Peachy says, "It's over." Richard says, "There goes the midnight snack," instead of the more contrite, "I'm sorry." Pagong doesn't seem too happy as the tribesmen and tribeswomen eat their chocolate, which they wave in farewell to Tagi. We never actually see see Richard apologize for blowing the challenge, but that doesn't mean he didn't.

At Pagong, night-vision shots of Gervase and Joel are constructed to look like plotting, since the earlier challenge was done at night but didn't appear as secretive as this scene does. Gervase says that for this first time it's looking like they might become the final six and that they have to stick together. Joel picks at something on his face and tells us, "When they do merge these tribes, if we're not sticking together as a tribe, they're gonna pick us off one by one," which sounds very ominous when he says it, not at all like they'll be packed off to the Pulau Tiga Golf and Tennis Resort for the remaining twenty or so days. The morning, the entire team sits around and discusses how they need to stick together and Gervase uses the "pick them off one by one" expression that he learned last night. Joel tell us that everyone on the team except Gretchen has said they'd never vote off a Pagonger. When directly asked by Gervase whether she'll join their voting block, the camera shows her walking away without giving a response although we don't really know if that's what happened. The way these things are filmed I should be writing, "although we don't really know if that's what happened" after every sentence like the "in bed" game with fortune cookies. In a confessional, Gretchen says, "I don't really see myself joining a voting alliance. But if it's somebody that I'm thinking of voting off, that would be great, I'll vote along with everybody else." I would hope she wouldn't not vote along with everybody else if she planned on voting for that person anyway, so this makes sense. Colleen says that Joel seems to be ignoring the fact that he might be the one off, and Gretchen says that "Ladies' Man" has irritated everybody in the tribe. Suddenly, they all morph into a pack of angry wolves and rip Joel to shreds as he cowers behind the chickens. They might as well have, anyway. Joel insists that he's not a chauvinistic, and in the moment Jenna tells us that the physical challenges are just "feeding his ego." In a confessional, Joel says, "I haven't wrecked anything; I haven't broken anything; I haven't lost any competitions," and Colleen says, "You know he's Golden Boy, he's Mr. January. He's gonna have a calendar. He's Captain America. Really." He's Superman. He's Captain Crunch. He's Mr. Clean. I think we get it. Joel adds modesty to his list of admirable traits when he says, "I can't really think of anything that I've done that's bad." Then Gretchen and Jenna take turns picking on Joel for picking on them. Gretchen seems perturbed that he tried to help her open the lid of something when she was struggling with it. That dastardly demon! We are treated to a montage of Joel bossing the Pagong women around and questioning (the horror!) their knowledge of cooking rice. At the end of this tribute to Joel's finest moments, he claims once again in a confessional, "I'm not chauvinistic," and then he makes a grimace and raises his eyebrows in a gesture that I took as discomfort but we're intended to interpret as sarcasm.