Survivor TV Show - I Need Redemption - Survivor Recaps, Survivor Reviews, Survivor Episodes | TWoP

By Sara M

Survivor is back, and things have changed: I now live in New York City. That's about it. The show is exactly the same, of course. The same opening shots on helicopters (seriously, this is like the third or fourth season in a row that began in a helicopter - surely they can find a new mode of transportation soon?), the same location (yes, we're back in Samoa - I mean, "the South Pacific"), the same concept from last season, and two of contestants we've seen before, who we are introduced through shots of their beautiful flowing locks while Jeff Probst, who just won the same undeserved Emmy for reality show hosting he gets every year, re-introduces us to Ozzy and Coach, this season's returning players. While I hate this returning players thing and don't understand why we're giving these guys a third chance when there are plenty of other contestants I'd love to see get a second one, I must admit that I'm a: SO HAPPY that Li'l Russell isn't back again; and b: surprisingly pleased to see Coach again. I still can't figure out how he managed to go from being one of my least favorite contestants ever to one I actually enjoy watching. Coach gets a dramatic slow-motion montage of his most intense moments as he says that he's hoping to "control [his] sense of self-righteousness and judgment" this time around. But just when you think Coach has truly gained some real insight and self-awareness, he adds that he wants to prove someone can win this game "with honor and integrity."

Back in the helicopter, Coach turns to his seatmate Ozzy with a creepily flirtatious smile. At least, I think that's Ozzy. With his new long hair and smirk of superiority, this may well be Coach's mirror reflection. Oh, no, it's definitely Ozzy. He tells us how awesome he was at everything in Survivor except for the social game, and he's hoping his newfound maturity will help him actually win this time around.

With that, Probst allows us to meet some of the new contestants. There's John "don't call me Johnnie" Cochran, who claims to be "the most Survivor-savvy player ever to play the game." He'd better be pretty damn savvy from here on out after saying something like that. I am expecting great things from him. He says he's watched every single episode of the show and even wrote a "prize-winning essay" for his law school class about it. I wonder what prize that was? It can't possibly be as worthless as Probst's host Emmy, but pretty close, surely. Elyse tells us that she doesn't have much outdoor living experience, but she's part Native American so maybe her ancestors will help her out. Yeah, I wouldn't wish for that after we all saw what Phillip's Native American great-uncle did for him last season. Unless, you know, she wants to look as insane and stupid as possible on national television.

By Sara M

Rick is a 51-year-old cattle rancher who trained hard in preparation to be on this show and doesn't understand why his fellow contestants haven't done the same thing. That's a question we've been asking ourselves for over a decade now, I think. Stacey introduces herself as a 44-year-old mortician and mother, two jobs that make her really good at knowing what's going on around her. As a mother, she must always know what's going on with her kids. And as a mortician, she must be ever-vigilant for ghosts. Even when she appears not to be paying attention, she says, she'll have her eyes open, even though they're nearly closed as she says this. "You think I'm sleep, I'm not sleep," [sic] she says. I can't decide if I love this woman or hate her yet.

And then we meet an unexceptional-looking little man who gives us, in his first sentence, the only reason why he was cast on this show: "I am Russell Hantz's nephew." Oh, great. Just great. This fucking show found yet another way to shove Li'l Russell down our throats. So even though he's not actually on this season (as far as we know ... I don't trust that he won't jump out from behind a bush in Episode 3 or something), we're still going to hear about him 15 times an episode through his stupid weirdo nephew Brandon, who compares being Li'l Russell's nephew to being Hitler's nephew, except he "doesn't think Hitler's nephew was running around saying 'I'm Hitler's nephew.'" No, he didn't. Because as big of a personality and as important to every aspect of our lives as Survivor wants Li'l Russell to be, he's not Hitler and the comparison is really pretty disgusting and offensive when you think about it. So, fuck you, Li'l Li'l Russell.

We get to see the show's full opening credits for what will probably be the only time this season, and there's a weird spot where Li'l Li'l Russell's entire tribe is introduced except him, then "one survivor" flashes on the screen, and then we see Li'l Li'l Russell. I don't think they've ever put a cast member after the "one survivor" shot before, have they? Are they trying to tell us something? Because if Brandon wins this season, I'm pretty sure I'll quit doing these recaps.

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By Sara M

Probst welcomes the new cast members to the stupid Redemption Arena to introduce them to the two returning cast mates. As they await Ozzy and Coach's helicopter, Edna comments that she hopes Li'l Russell isn't in there. "Oh my goodness, that would suck!" Li'l Russell's nephew says, playing it up way too much... just like the producers probably told him to. Li'l Li'l Russell gets another interview, in which we see "Russell Hantz' Nephew" where his job title should be, just in case you forgot it during the three seconds it wasn't mentioned. Li'l Li'l Russell says as soon as he heard that, he decided he would never tell anyone on the show his last name. If his uncle's secret-keeping ability is anything to go by, that means he'll tell everyone before the commercial break. Anyway, it's going to be pretty tough for him to keep it a secret, since he has not one, but TWO tattoos that say "Hantz" on them, including one on his arm that says "Little Hantz." The fuck? Who gets a tattoo like that? My brother doesn't have a tattoo that says "Little Morrison" on his arm, and he has plenty of uncles and a father with that last name. Although I guess that's because my brother isn't a tiny little guy or a total idiot, like Li'l Li'l Russell.

Finally, the helicopter lands and out pops Ozzy. The blue tribe's Mikayla hopes Ozzy ends up on her tribe because he's good at fishing. The reception for Coach is a bit less enthusiastic. Actually, how is it at all fair that Li'l Li'l Russell is playing this game with someone his uncle once played it with? That could be such an unfair advantage, especially since the other contestants don't (yet) know about it. Mikayla interviews that Ozzy is amazing and great and such a good tribemate, while Coach is crazy and weird. I think it's safe to assume that Coach is going to be on Mikayla's tribe. Probst notes that Christine doesn't look too thrilled about the returning players. She isn't. She makes fun of Coach's dragon poses before calling him and Ozzy "temporary players." Well, that's the kind of talk that got Francesca voted out first just last season, so, good plan, Christine! Probst asks super-fan John what he thinks, but John would rather kiss Probst's ass and ask him to call him by his last name like he does for his other man-crushes. Probst does call him by his last name, but I have no intention of doing that. He asks, again, for John's reaction to Coach and Ozzy, and John proceeds to nerd out all over the place and admit to being a huge fan of the show and owning a collection of buffs. So I guess that solves the question of who is buying those stupid things.

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By Sara M

Probst hands Ozzy and Coach one egg each and tells them to smash them open at the same time to see what color paint is inside, which will dictate with tribe they're on. Hilariously, it takes Ozzy three tries to smash his egg open over his heart, while Coach calmly squeezes his shell open in the palm of his hand. Ozzy gets the red egg, which means he's on the Savii tribe, while Coach, with blue, is on Mikayla's Upolu tribe just like we all knew he would be. Christine and Rick frown about their new tribemate, with Rick interviewing that he doesn't understand Coach's dragon slayer thing and thinks he's too old for that anyway, saying Coach is "in his 40's." Actually, Coach claims to be 39, which everyone knows is still young enough to go around calling oneself a Dragon Slayer. Coach isn't totally oblivious to how much his new tribe hates him. "I kinda grabbed a hold of my cheeks right here and said 'hold on for the ride, cause it's gonna be rocky in the beginning.'" Oh, poor Coach. Always in situations where he is forced to protect his ass. At least this tribe isn't trying to eat his asshole. Coach continues that he'll have to have "twice the Slayer charm" to get through the first few days. I'm afraid that's not true, Coach. Two times zero is, after all, still zero. Probst sends Ozzy off to join his tribe, and Ozzy impishly slaps Probst on the chest with his red-painted hand before dashing off to meet them in a group hug.

Probst reminds everyone that we're still doing the stupid Redemption Island thing this season, so contestants will still have a chance to re-enter the game after they've been voted out. Then, he says, it's time for their first challenge. But this is going to a "Hero Challenge." What does that mean, exactly? Apparently, Ozzy and Coach are now considered to be heroes, so they will represent their tribes and go head-to-head against each other. The challenge is an obstacle and a puzzle, just like nearly every challenge is these days, starting with a tall wooden pole that must be climbed to retrieve a little wooden turtle figurine, a log they must dig through the sand to pass under, and then a six-piece (the little turtle counts as the top piece) Tower of Hanoi puzzle to solve. The winner gets a reward for his tribe: the usual flint and a bunch of hairy-looking root vegetables called taro. The contestants aren't deprived enough to really care about that, but Probst insists that this is a great prize and they will love it.

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By Sara M

Coach and Ozzy are both ridiculous, so they begin the challenge with a series of eerily similar meditation hand gestures. Did they practice those together back the hotel or something? Probst says go, and Ozzy takes a quick lead, getting through the wooden pole and under the log first. It doesn't give him much of an advantage, though, as he insists on trying to move two puzzle pieces at the same time and Probst screams at him for breaking the rules and makes him move the pieces back. Coach tries to catch up, he's too busy breaking Probst's other rule and placing larger pieces on top of smaller ones. Once Ozzy realizes what he's dealing with, he also sees that he's not nearly smart enough to do it himself, and asks his tribe to help from the sidelines. Coach's tribe quickly follows suit, but their advice is much less helpful and Coach doesn't seem to have any idea how to move the pieces himself. Ozzy, on the other hand, finally gets it and makes quick work of completing the puzzle. Coach wasn't even close. Ozzy becomes his new tribe's hero, sitting in the middle of them and basking in their love as Coach sits on the outskirts of his tribe and tries not to get stabbed by Christine's eye-daggers. Probst sends the tribes off, and Coach's says nothing to him except for Edna, who stays behind while he's grabbing his stuff and is generally a nice and decent person, which should get her voted out by Episode 5.

Savaii arrive at camp and love Ozzy some more. As a returning player, they look to him to tell him what to do and how to build the shelter, which is unfortunate, since Ozzy has never been much of a leader. His advice: "let's keep walking around. Let's keep checking." At some point, they stop walking around and introduce themselves. John admits he's a student at Harvard Law School, which we now all know gives awards to essays about crappy TV shows. The pretty blonde girl whose name I see no reason to bother learning says she's a songwriter. Semhar doesn't just have a job: she has a talent and a soul and a life, and it's all about spoken word poetry. Savaii's designated Old Man immediately asks her to perform, and she does, and it sounds just as good or bad as every spoken word poetry reading I've ever heard, including the parodies. Semhar interviews that she was put on the spot but was able to deliver: "I'm not going to say I'm a poet and then have nothing to show for it," she says, pretty much failing at her job, life, talent, and soul right there. It would have been so easy just to say "poet" and "show it." There's then a long discussion amongst the tribe about how to pronounce her name. I hope they're also asking how it's spelled, as this will be useful for them when they all write it down at the end of the episode (spoiler alert!). Ozzy interviews that Semhar is "beautiful to look at," which therefore also makes him think she's "incredibly talented" and a good person to have "beside [him] for the long haul." So, basically, Ozzy hasn't matured very much at all and his strategy is going to be about the same as it was the last two times he played.

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By Sara M

Ozzy then decrees that this is the best tribe he's ever been on and doesn't need to do any work on, say, a shelter or gathering food or water. Instead, they will go swimming. This presents a problem for John, who is uncomfortable stripping down to just his underwear in front of the people he's going to regularly wear that much clothing or less for the however many days he's in this game (I'm going with 6. Or 36). Instead of suffering in silence and going with it like the rest of us did in our middle school gym locker rooms, John walks around complaining to everyone else in his tribe, thus making his tribemates and the national television audience cognizant of the fact that he has a terrible body and probably a small penis, too. John says he's just ashamed of his really pale skin and the fact that he looks different than everyone else on his tribe, who are all a bunch of bikini models. Like Mark, the 48-year-old big hairy guy. Or Dawn, the 41-year-old mother of 15. Bikini babes, all! John finally does take his shirt off, and he really doesn't look that bad. I've seen skinny guys with much saggier pecs and bigger potbellies.

Over at Upolu, everyone is mean and angry, so instead of hanging out in the ocean, they decide to get to work. Coach calls them all together to say that they shouldn't see him as a threat or a strategic player, because that's not how he's played this game in the past or intends to play it in the future. Which I believe he's totally sincere about and which makes him a bad choice for a returning player. If he isn't going to try to change his strategy (see: Li'l Russell in any of the 327 times he's played), then what's the point of showing him to us again? Christine cuts Coach off to ask what everyone else does for a living. Albert says he's a baseball coach. And yet, he came on this show calling himself "Albert" and not "Baseball Coach." That's weird. Sophie says she just graduated college, while declining to state that she's on her way to medical school. When she says she majored in Russian, Coach pipes up with a few Russian words, which the editors helpfully transcribe for us on the screen using a Cyrillic alphabet I can't figure out how to import into Mac Word 08 so I'll just fake it instead: "3(chunkyAthing)paBCTBy(backwardsNwithahaton)Te." And now we all know what it means. Sophie responds in kind, but Coach isn't done. "KaK (chunkyAthing)e(pisymbolmaybe?)a?" he asks. "Xopo(notquiteaw)o," Sophie says, adding in English "is that it for you?" Wow, that's kind of snotty. Frankly, I find it impressive that Coach actually knows any Russian at all. I lived in an apartment building where most of my fellow tenants spoke Russian and nothing else for three years and I didn't pick anything up. Coach says he knows a little bit more than that, such as "Bbl O(upsidedownh)eHb KpaC(backwardsN)Ba(backwardsR) (chunkyAthing)eBy(notquiteaW)Ka." "C(table)aC(backwardsN)6o," Sophie says. Rick, by the way, looks thoroughly disgusted by all of this foreign talk. Also, why is he like four feet taller than Sophie? Is she sitting down or is she just really, really short? I'm 5'1'; is this what I look like standing to people? That sucks. Anyway, Sophie interviews angrily that Coach's Russian hello was the "formal" way to say it and he was obviously just trying to show off. Okay, well, I guess we all know not to try to make friends with Sophie by speaking a language she was interested enough in to major in it in college. She then says that the fact is, Coach has been on this show twice before so his knowledge is valuable to the tribe. Coach mobilizes his troops to getting supplies together for the shelter, causing Albert to ask him if the "girth" of the bamboo poles matters and Mikayla to laugh because he said "girth."

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By Sara M

Edna interviews that, unlike everyone else in her tribe at this point, she actually likes Coach and he's been a good player so far and an "asset." Not an asset right now is Christine, who announces she's going to look for firewood and/or immunity idols. She says she doesn't think she'll "need" an immunity idol in this game, but it's good to have one when everyone gets mad at you for going off by yourself to look for an immunity idol and decides to vote your untrustworthy ass off first. It doesn't take long for her tribe to realize that Christine is missing and what she's probably doing, and Coach is happy to let that put a target on her back and off of his.

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By Sara M

Back at Savaii, everyone is still hanging out in the water. This pleases Jim the Medical Marijuana Dispenser, who likes seeing attractive women in skimpy clothing. He does not like telling people what he actually does for a living, however, since he's also a champion poker player in addition to his weed stores (not to mention a walking tax audit), so he claims to be a "cool teacher." The talk then turns to relationships, and that's when Mark reveals that he has a boyfriend, which is surprising since he's a retired NYPD detective. I still can't believe they let people "retire" at the age of 48, but whatever. He says that he was out while he was working as a police detective because he hoped it might help other gay cops before telling the group that he considers himself to be a "daddy bear," which is a term in gay culture that means an older hairy man. I don't know that the rest of his tribe realizes what, exactly, that means, so they all agree to call him "Papa Bear" for the rest of the season because no one uses his real name anymore on this show. "It's not about being gay, it's about surviving," says the guy who has said very little beyond the fact that he's gay.

Ozzy finally decides they should do some work and get a fire going. Back on shore, Dawn interviews that the lack of shelter at her camp is starting to worry her. She tries to talk about that with the tribe, but they are all lazy and passive like Ozzy, who just says "we'll be fine." Unless, you know, it rains. Dawn starts to panic about the lack of leadership in her tribe, which is sure to endear her to everyone else. People love panic.

Over at the Upolu camp, Coach and Mikayla talk to Li'l Li'l Russell about the tattoo on his neck that says "loco." They think it's cool, but Li'l Li'l Russell claims that he's ashamed of it. He seems to be ashamed of all of his tattoos, which he should be, since they're ugly. This time, he says, the tattoo reminds him of a different time in his life when he was a different person. By the way, Li'l Li'l Russell is 19, so it's not like he's had all that much time (nor, I suspect, ability) to do much personal growth. Ah, but it turns out that by "personal growth" he means "born again Christian." He also means that Mikayla is somehow a bad influence on the tribe and a "Delilah" simply because she's wearing short shorts and a tank top and working on the roof of the shelter in a way that Li'l Li'l Russell finds attractive and therefore evil. He interviews that he doesn't "feel comfortable" around Mikayla because of the way she "carries herself" and "flaunts herself off." And yeah, she is apparently a lingerie football player (whatever the hell that is) in real life, but she's not wearing lingerie and tackling other women in a provocative manner right now. She's just helping the tribe build the shelter. Li'l Li'l Russell mentions the fact that he's married, which I think the sight of Mikayla is making him regret and is one of the reasons why he disapproves of her so much. He says being around her puts him "in a situation where I know I can get myself in trouble," as if that's Mikayla's fault or that she would want anything to do with him. Anyway, for all the talking he does about how horrible it is of Mikayla to show herself off, he certainly doesn't seem to find anything wrong with staring at her. Creepily. Through the bushes.

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By Sara M

Night falls on Upolu, and some of its members are hanging out on the beach, looking at the stars. Sophie suddenly calls Coach out and makes fun of his campfire stories, and everyone laughs at him, albeit in a good-natured and less hateful way than usual. Coach says he spent a long time talking to four of his tribemates and getting to know them better before bringing up what a good idea it is to have a strong alliance of five. It is, but not when one of the alliance members is Li'l Li'l Russell. Ugh. The other three - Rick, Albert, and Sophie - agree. Sucks to be Edna, I guess. She was the only person who was nice to Coach, but is she in his special alliance? No. Coach thinks he's in a much better position now than he was earlier. "This is Coach 3.0 and I'm here to win," he says. Well, that's got to be better than the Coach 1.0 and 2.0 versions, which were there to lose.

The morning, Dawn tries to boil a pot of water, only to drop it on the fire and whine. Dawn interviews that she didn't sleep much last night and she's having a tough time. "I think I'm having a mini-breakdown," she clarifies. Oh, good! Another Holly. This should be fun. She complains to Mark about how she isn't used to drinking so little water and her calves are feeling cramped from the dehydration. It's Day 2, lady. Come on. Mark tells her to keep that quiet, because the younger tribemates will be looking for any reason to get rid of the older people. This causes Dawn to realize that in this game, she is considered "old." And for the first time in her life, she says, she feels it. I don't know if that's her age as much as it is the fall she just took when a vine she was trying to swing from like she's Tarzan snapped and sent her crashing to the ground. Dawn immediately insists that she's okay to Elyse, who has no interest in helping Dawn up or anything, then mutters that she's not sure if she's okay, wanders around a bit, and starts crying. What the hell is with the 40-something Midwestern women on this show? They all go crazy on, like, Day 2. Kathy, Holly, and now Dawn. Is it menopause? I don't get it.

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By Sara M

Since enough people on her tribe aren't aware of what a liability Dawn is, she talks to Ozzy about it and starts crying again. No wonder she's feeling dehydrated! She just lost a good two gallons from her tears. Ozzy doesn't really seem to know what to say or have much interest in making someone who doesn't have big boobs - I mean, "say beautiful poetry" - feel better about herself. So while she cries and the Pianos of Sadness play, Mark interviews that Dawn's breakdown terrifies him because he thinks it will make the younger tribemates target her and therefore him as weak fragile old people. Dawn complains to Ozzy that she's ten years older than everyone else on the tribe and has no "common ground" with them, like that's his problem. It's not. Ozzy says a bunch of crap about how Dawn has what it takes to win this game and stay strong, then interviews that apparently, he's the "anchor" of this tribe so dealing with Dawn is part of his job. Oh, and that she could be first person to go home if she can't get it together.

Day 3 at Savaii. Semhar shows her tribemates how to make toothbrushes and toothpaste out of sticks and ash in a futile attempt to be useful. Ozzy suddenly realizes that his tribe should probably have a shelter by now, so they set about building one. Except for Elyse, who uses the wisdom of her Native American ancestors to chop open a coconut. John wants to try it too, and almost cuts off his own hand. Ozzy observes and tells us he's worried about John, who doesn't "have the most to offer on the physical side of things." Unlike Semhar, who does. And those things are called "boobs." John manages to open the coconut and be self-deprecating to Elyse, who laughs flirtatiously because that's the way she is with everyone except for Dawn when Dawn fell on the ground. John interviews that his tribe really seems to enjoy his company, and he hopes his charm and humor are enough to keep from being voted out. Yeah, or, you know, he could have used his vast Survivor knowledge to make sure he knew how to do things like start fires, build shelters, chop open coconuts, or just walk around camp with his shirt off before he arrived.

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By Sara M

It's been at least five minutes since Li'l Russell was mentioned, so we cut to his nephew, who is fishing to help his tribe and play the social game his uncle never tried. Except that while he's out there fishing by himself, the social game is probably happening back at his camp. Also, how did he get that fishing equipment? Did they just give it to the tribes from the beginning? That's lame. They should have to win it. Li'l Li'l Russell manages to catch a very tiny fish, which makes his tribemates very happy. He's also managed to cover up his Hantz tattoos by keeping his shirt on over just the top of his back, which doesn't seem weird at all. He repeats that he's going to make sure his tribemates never see him without his shirt on. "I don't want to be judged by my uncle's reputation," says the guy who hasn't stopped talking about him since the game started. He isn't fooling Sophie, who shows us that she truly is intelligent by figuring out that Li'l Li'l Russell might not be the best ally. "I have this gut feeling - I feel like he's hiding something," she says.

Whatever! Let's just go right into our first immunity challenge of the season. The tribes arrive, and Probst explains the challenge. Teams must make their way through an obstacle course that ends in a ten foot wall all tribemates must climb over. One tribemate will then dig in a sand pit for a machete and use it to cut a bunch of ropes and release a lovely bunch of coconuts from a bin. Three tribemates must then tosses those coconuts into a basket until the basket is full and heavy enough to raise a flag. The first tribe to raise their flag wins a rather boring little wooden immunity idol. The individual necklace had better by twice as exciting to compensate for this.

The teams get a chance to strategize, and Coach's expertise comes into play as he assigns two people to wall-lifting duty. Meanwhile, Semhar volunteers to be one of the coconut shooters, saying she's "comfortable" with it unless someone else has a burning desire to do it instead. I'm sure that won't come back to bite her in the ass at all.

Probst calls go, and the tribes make their way through the first obstacle course. Upolu is the first to make it through the first obstacle and into the second, with Probst begrudgingly admitting that they are being successfully lead by Coach. They make it to the wall first, and Rick and Albert get themselves over it unassisted to help the rest up. Savaii gets to the wall soon after, with that blonde girl somehow managing to lift herself up and over the wall first. That's not easy to do! Maybe I underestimated her. While John struggles to figure out how to climb the wall and starts bouncing around and asking himself what he's doing, Coach and Li'l Li'l Russell work with Rick and Albert to hoist the rest of their tribe over the wall. Embarrassingly, John has to be lifted up by Dawn, who is still better at this than he is even in her dehydrated and mentally fragile state.

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By Sara M

Li'l Li'l Russell is the last to make it over the wall for Upolu, and Albert basically lifts him up on his own, which impresses the hell out of Probst. He has a new favorite hot young male contestant, I think! Rick digs for the machete for Upolu, followed closely by Ozzy for Savaii. Going into the rope chopping, they're nearly even, but Rick takes the lead due to his superior rope-chopping skills. Li'l Li'l Russell, the devilish Mikayla, and Albert shoot coconuts, but Ozzy (apparently you can be both the rope-chopper and the coconut-shooter if your tribe has no faith in itself), Semhar, and Keith catch up. "You've got to get enough coconuts to lift your bag and raise your flag," Probst says, apparently inspired by Semhar's spoken word passion. Semhar makes a couple baskets in the beginning but soon finds the work of lifting her arms and throwing a coconut too tiring. I don't know why Ozzy and Keith didn't just assign her to bring them all the coconuts so they wouldn't have to run back and forth to get them, thus saving time and making her useful still, but they don't and she isn't. Mikayla, meanwhile, gets like every one of her shots in, and soon enough, it is her shot that causes the bag to lift and her team to win. There is much rejoicing on the blue team, while the red team looks sad and defeated. Probst loves Ozzy, so he tries to make him feel better by saying that the challenge was very close at the end and the closest one ever, which I seriously doubt. That doesn't make Semhar feel better, since it was probably one of the coconuts she didn't shoot that lost the game for her tribe. "Sorry, guys," she says.

Probst gives Upolu the immunity idol and some flint along with the news that there's a clue to a hidden immunity idol back at their camp. Ugh, gross. Probst insists that they'll need to find the clue to find the idol, but I doubt it. We know how lazy the idol hiders are. Probst sends the winners away and decides to spend a little extra time with Savaii, specifically Semhar. He asks her how she feels about losing. Probably bad, Probst. What do you think? Semhar, looking much less upset now than she did at the end of the challenge, plays with her hair and says she didn't expect the coconuts to be that heavy, so she feels "sorta bad" about her performance. Jim can't help but react to her comment. He says he feels much worse than "sorta bad" and thinks Semhar should, too. Now that he's set Semhar up for a nice fall, Probst sends Savaii back to camp. On the way out, Jim says Semhar gave up and lost this challenge for the tribe, so they should vote her out no matter how good she looks in a bikini.

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By Sara M

The victorious Upolus return to camp and Coach gives them a speech about how well they're thriving in this game considering how new they are to it. "Yeah," they respond politely. Christine says she thinks everyone is uneasy because they now know there's an immunity idol to find and surely they all want to find it right away. "The game has started and it might just get ruthless," she says. Sure enough, various contestants wander off in search of the clue. Not Sleep Stacey sets out, cleverly stopping to move a few rocks around on the ground every few feet so she'll look like she's working instead of looking for a clue. I'm sure she has everyone fooled. She digs around in a hole in a nearby tree and, though her eyes and ears are open and she's not asleep, she totally misses the piece of parchment wrapped around a small stick just inches away from her hand. Oops!

But even Stacey isn't as much of a failure as the Savaii tribe, who return to camp looking totally defeated. Semhar decides to speak to the group. She sorta apologizes for her performance and contribution to the challenge loss before yelling at Jim for making faces behind her back when Probst was talking to her and calling her out in front of the other tribe. Even though the other tribe left by then. "Why, when someone's already down, why push 'em down even more?" Semhar asks. Jim doesn't really care what she has to say, as he's already made up his mind that she's useless and needs to go. He claims that he's sorry he made her feel bad even though he clearly isn't. Semhar storms off and interviews that she might have a problem in this game because she's just too honest. I love it when people say the positive character traits they ascribe to themselves could be a liability. Semhar says her performance in the challenge already put the spotlight on her, and she made it worse with her comments to Jim.

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By Sara M

Meanwhile, Mark is still freaking out that he's going to be voted out for being old. Dawn must be sick of hearing this from him, but she agrees not to vote for him and he promises not to vote for her. Dawn says her only hope right now is that her tribe has forgotten what a loon she was yesterday and are only focusing on Semhar and Jim's fight after the challenge. She and Mark, who pronounce Semhar's name differently every time they say it in this scene, agree to vote for her tonight. Ozzy, meanwhile, is working on the blonde girl, Keith, Elyse, and Jim about why they should keep Semhar and Dawn around for at least another three days and take out John instead, because he's weak and unathletic. And, I suspect, because Ozzy is worried that John is dangerously intelligent and savvy about how the game works. Even though it's clear to me now that he isn't. Ozzy admits in an interview that Semhar blew the challenge today, but tells his tribemates that she was brave to "step up" and be on the coconut team in the first place. "I'd rather have somebody not step up!" Jim says, completely baffled as to why Ozzy would want to keep Semhar over anyone. He interviews that there's no reason not to vote Semhar out, so Ozzy must be keeping her in the game for his own selfish reasons. "Semhar is pretty much useless," he says, adding that he suspects Ozzy is trying to make an alliance with all the pretty young women on the tribe. And since Jim is not a pretty young women, that would be bad for him.

Ozzy breaks it down to Semhar, telling her that he wants her to stay in the game, but right now the vote is going to come down to her and John. "If you want to stay here you gotta do some work," Ozzy says; "you gotta do some politicking. Like, seriously." Seeing as how Semhar couldn't bring herself to say more than "I feel sorta bad" to Probst when she lost the challenge for everyone, I doubt she'll be able to muster up the passion and charm needed to convince the others to keep her around. But she tries anyway. She tells the blonde that she should vote for John because he's a huge fan of the game but doesn't seem to be playing it. Yeah, because you always want hardcore players around when you're trying to win a million dollars. Semhar then heads for Keith and asks if he's voting for her tonight. "You don't have to worry," Keith says, refusing to look her in the eye.

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By Sara M

Jim runs around to try to align the forces against Semhar. He breaks it to John that the vote tonight is between him and Semhar, and John, master Survivor strategist that he is, never saw this coming. Jim, who obviously knows more about this game and human behavior in general than John does, says Ozzy is probably trying to see how much pull he has with his tribe right now and if he can convince them to vote his way. John says one of his weaknesses, among many, is his crippling insecurity. Which is why it's such a good idea to go on a show like this. Because it doesn't play with your self-esteem at all. He says it was "heart-breaking" to find out that he could be voted out first even though he's supposedly such an expert on this show that surely he would have known that there's always going to be one person who is voted out before everyone else. He says he is now in "high-alert paranoia mode" and "really depressed" about the fact that he might be the first person to be voted out even though he truly adds nothing to the tribe. John says he can't believe he would be the first person to go when his tribe has people like Mark, Semhar, and "all these girls" who would be a better choice to vote out instead. Yeah, because people like "all these girls" never go far in this game, right? Except for, like, that 50% of the time they seem to win. They certainly do, statistically, get a lot further in this game that people like John. Anyway, John doesn't seem to do much by way of politicking to save himself (not even looking around for the immunity idol!), and the self-proclaimed Survivor expert just sits around moping while everyone else packs up to leave for Tribal Council.

The pathetic tribe that is Savaii arrive at Tribal Council. Probst does his speech, then opens by asking Dawn if Redemption Island is on her mind. Dawn says it is, and she wonders if her tribemates are prepared, mentally, for that aspect of the game. She says it's tough enough trying to survive with eight people to help, let alone what it must be like out there alone. Probst, of course, asks her how tough the first three days have been, and without hesitation Dawn tells him and the rest of her tribe what a mess she was at just Day Two. She says it's been hard to be away from everything she knows and she "lost confidence." "You lost a lot of confidence in yourself," Probst nods like he's a therapist and not a cheesy game show host. Dawn says it was tough for a while, but now she's back on track and feeling much better.

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By Sara M

Probst asks Elyse if she can think of anyone else on the tribe who should be worried tonight. "I think Semhar is concerned," Elyse says, which seems to come as a surprise to Semhar, judging by the expression on her face. Probst asks Jim for more information, and he says he is a competitor and thus hates to lose, and Semhar put herself out there as someone who could throw coconuts in a basket and didn't come through for them. "I think the only people that are good losers are people that are good at losing," Jim anti-Successories. Semhar still doesn't get a chance to speak, as Probst talks to the blonde girl and asks if she's relieved to see the blame falling on Semhar and not the blonde girl herself. The blonde girl throws Semhar way under the bus, saying that she would have been happy to throw the coconuts, but Semhar was "so vocal about her abilities" that no one else had the chance to step up instead.

Probst finally addresses Semhar. Semhar says that if she hadn't volunteered to take on the coconut throwing then she would be safe right now, but she stepped up because she has "heart" and gives her all, a statement Jim seems to disagree with. That's all Semhar gets to say for now, as Probst turns to Ozzy and asks if he'd rather play with someone who will step up like Semhar or someone who would rather watch someone else take the fall. Ozzy says it's better to play with someone like Semhar "philosophically," a.k.a. he'd rather keep Semhar and her boobs in the game longer but no one else does, so he's going to go with them rather than step up and vote the way he wants and risk negative attention.

Probst turns back to Dawn and asks her if anyone else should be worried tonight. I think he's trying to get her to say herself, but instead she says John, "based on just strength." John protests, saying that he knows he may appear weak with his glasses and pale skin, but he thinks he held his own during the challenge today except for a brief "snafu" at the climbing wall. He's the one who brought it up, and yet, when Probst asks for details, he acts surprised that anyone even noticed he did anything wrong. Mark volunteers to talk about it, but first, insists that Probst call him Papa Bear. Whatever. Mark says John just got confused for a few seconds in front of the climbing wall until Mark and Ozzy handled it by tossing him over it. I'm not sure what he's talking about. I saw Dawn lifting John up single-handedly, not Mark or Ozzy. "You hesitated," he says to John, who asks if that was a "fatal mistake." Don't ask, John. Just say that it wasn't. There's no room for insecurity in this game. No one wants to watch John's Personal Growth Hour. "Sometimes you need direction. I'm sorry," Mark says.

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By Sara M

Probst notes that Semhar must be enjoying seeing John get some negative attention instead of her. Semhar says sure, and it's good for her when people say that John is a weaker link than her. John asks if anyone has actually said that, like, how is it Semhar's job to keep him informed or tell him the truth? Does he not realize that it's either her or him leaving and this is not a friendly little law class discussion? John asks Probst if he can respond, or will Probst say his famous "it is time to vote" line? Probst says that's not up to him - this is Savaii's Tribal Council and they'll sit here "as long as you want." Don't say that! This show has already been expanded to an hour and a half for this episode. It doesn't need to be two or three. John decides to do some politicking for the first time way too late in the game and says that Semhar, whose name he still doesn't know how to pronounce, doesn't do much around camp. All she does do, apparently, is stand in front of the cooking pot for ten hours a day. Semhar says she doesn't have to be asked or told to do that, whereas John apparently wanders around camp until someone tells him what needs to be done and has to show him how to do it. John defends that as "building a knowledge base" and "being an eager student." Again, he's been watching this show for how many years and he still hasn't built up a "knowledge base?" Useless!

John reminds the group that being on this show is a "culmination" of eleven years of passionate Survivor-watching, from which, it seems, the only thing he learned was that it's bad to be voted out first. He didn't learn how to avoid that, but he did learn that it's not a good thing. Probst asks John how things will change if his life in the game is spared tonight. John starts talking about how he'll be a hard worker around camp and a "genie in a bottle" and a "whole new Cochran" and he doesn't think Semhar has the same passion to do whatever it takes to stay in the game. Semhar says that John's love of the show works against him, because he's so in awe of everything that he doesn't remember to do anything. John says he doesn't think the vote should based on what's happened so far, though, and Semhar frowns and asks what they're supposed to base it on, then. Yeah, really. I don't like Semhar but after John's ridiculousness tonight, I would have totally voted for him over her. Keith pipes up and agrees they have to base the vote on what's happened so far. "Does it have to be?" John whines again. Keith says of course it does, because they've only known John and each other for three days. "You have a small window to get to know people," he concludes.

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By Sara M

Probst decides that it's time to vote for either Semhar or John. Semhar insults the hell out of John by casting her vote for "Coachran." John votes for Semhar, reciting the speech you know he practiced in his head several times: "you've questioned my intelligence, you've questioned my commitment to this game, and you've made me question why you have to be here any longer, so" -- and here he falls apart - "I can't, I can't take it [giggle]." Everything this kid does is just embarrassing. Probst goes off to tally the votes, and Mark hugs John and Semhar as if he didn't just cast a vote against one of them. Get over yourself, Mark.

Probst returns with the urn. The first two votes are John and Semhar's for each other, and then ... Semhar. Semhar. "Senhar." And Semhar. While John breathes a huge sigh of relief, Probst snuffs Semhar's torch and says she may still be able to get back in the game via Redemption Island. Ozzy's parting words for Semhar aren't exactly kind considering how much he seemed to like her: "should've taught her how to make a fire," he shrugs coldly. Semhar sobs her way down the stairs, making me feel sorry for her for first time, as John mutters a "thank you" to Dawn.

On Redemption Island, Semhar sulks and pouts about how her tribemates lied to her face and are all "fake." "I don't understand how people can be so cold-hearted," she sobs. I'm not sure what she expected, but even with a comment like that, I'd have to say that she still knows more about how this game works than John.

You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.

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