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The reprehensible DJ Qualls summons Our Intrepid Heroes to Junction City, Kansas, when the heirs of a specialty brewing company start popping up in odd places sporting their entrails as outerwear. Initially, it seems as if the spectral presence of a long-dead local crazy lady is responsible for this unexpected spate of grisly killings, but when yet another heir ends up dead even after the old gal's earthly remains have been salted and burned, Sam and Dean begin investigating the brewery's owners and soon find themselves wading through a sordid morass of fiendish corporate malfeasance and ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz that threatens to drive each and every remaining member of this wretched show's rapidly dwindling audience to suicide thanks to the mind-melting levels of boredom and blah involved. Long story short, two of the brewery's owners screwed the third out of a significant amount of cash, or something, when they sold the operation to a certain as-yet-unnamed company that's probably being run by a Leviathan, so the third guy offed himself. However, before he died, this third, screwed-over partner took great care to import an actual foreign booze monster in a bottle of sake, and it is this Japanese creature who's actually been slaughtering the other partners' kids.
Our Intrepid Heroes quickly learn they can take the Japanese booze monster out with a specially-blessed samurai sword, but naturally, there's a problem: They can only see the Japanese booze monster if they're liquored up themselves. This leads to several ludicrous scenes wherein the tiniest amounts of alcohol immediately have various characters slurring their words and veering into walls and such because this show sucks, but eventually, Dashing El Deano does manage to ram that specially-blessed samurai sword of his straight through what passes for the Japanese booze monster's heart, and with that problem solved, Our Intrepid Heroes happily motor on off towards their thrilling adventure.
In other news, The Spectral Presence Of Dead Bobby confirms all of our recent suspicions when it finally manifests itself at the very end of the episode. Unfortunately, neither Sam nor Dean seems able to see Dead Bobby at the moment, so we'll have to wait until after this little three-week-long mini-hiatus for that round of maddening and soul-destroying angst. Whee!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Rattle, Rattle WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE THEN!, and it's All DJ Qualls , All The Time up here in the THEN! tonight. I want to scream.
Rattle, Rattle STILL NOT GIVING A SHIT NOW! The rapidly advancing NOW! oozes its merry way forward until it dissolves into the center of a blurry, crackling campfire that's blazing away somewhere ominous and remote, I'm sure. And while our eyes remain trained on the out-of-focus flames, a young man's voice can be heard to say, "Long ago in these very woods lived an old woman by the name of Jenny Greentree." By the time the young gentleman has reached the end of his initial sentence, the camera's made a gentle pan away from the fire to settle in on his face and wow. He's certainly nothing to write home about. The young gentleman's female companion, however, is most photogenic indeed, and as the camera shifts to pull our attention over to her, she takes this opportunity to punctuate her apparent boyfriend's opening with an appropriately spooky-sounding "Woooooo!" For we've arrived on the scene just as these two and their friends on the opposite side of the fire are trying to freak each other out with a series of campfire-appropriate ghost stories. "Forced out after her family was killed in a fire," the first young gentleman continues, of course referring to the unfortunate Miss Greentree, "she lost everything -- some say even her humanity." "That is so sad," the exceptionally photogenic young gentleman on the opposite side of the fire sarcastically croons and we will eventually learn this young gentleman's name is "Ray McAnn," so I'm gonna make things easy on myself by referring to him as "Jailbait Monster Chow" from here on out.
In any event, Jailbait Monster Chow's equally pretty girlfriend tells him to shut it so the initial young gentleman might continue with his story and why have none of these people died yet? We're nearly a full minute into the episode proper and none of these people have died yet! GOD, I hate this show. Anyway, the initial young gentleman informs his fellows that the unfortunate Miss Greentree eventually found herself homeless, scratching out a meager existence in the very woods now surrounding them and when a blizzard struck, the unfortunate Miss Greentree used the very last of her strength to carve her initials onto a nearby tree, after which she froze to death. "And her evil spirit has haunted these woods ever since!" the initial young gentleman concludes, punctuating his last line by sticking his flashlight beneath his chin and grimacing. Cool story, bro. Now, could someone please rip your goddamned head off?
Alas, the initial young gentleman's goddamned head remains firmly in place and the assembled twentysomethings here masquerading as teenagers giggle and snerk at each other until... a bottle smashes against the unfortunate Miss Greentree's supposed initials! DUN! Or not, as the case may be -- for as everyone involved quickly learns, the bottle was launched by Jailbait Monster Chow's slightly older and significantly less-attractive brother, Fugly Monster Chow, who now staggers drunkenly into the campsite clearing from points unknown. "What the hell, Trevor?" Jailbait Monster Chow yelps, supremely unamused. Jailbait Monster Chow then proceeds to reprimand his significantly less-attractive brother for driving drunk, after which Fugly Monster Chow slurs a few remarks that only serve to delay his inevitable and much-anticipated demise, until Fugly Monster Chow suddenly jerks his boozy head in the direction of the nearby undergrowth. "What was that?" he asks, sounding like he's about to barf. I fully understand the impulse, Fugly Monster Chow, but could you please keep this moving? Thanks. Jailbait Monster Chow, of course, has neither heard nor seen anything, but that doesn't stop Fugly Monster Chow from freaking the fuck out anyway, especially when something appears to move towards him from the bushes. "What the...?" Fugly Monster Chow begins before cutting himself short in favor of screaming, "You gotta run, man!" And with that, Fugly Monster Chow takes off down the dimly-lit dirt path that's passing for a road.
Presently, a strangled shout can be heard and while his companions wisely choose to remain huddled together around the campfire, foolish Jailbait Monster Chow races off down the dimly-lit dirt path with a flashlight until he eventually catches sight of his significantly less-attractive brother slumped against a tree. "Stop being a tool!" Jailbait Monster Chow calls out. "Let's head back," he continues as he wanders up to his significantly less-attractive brother's side, but I'm afraid Fugly Monster Chow won't be heading back anywhere tonight, for a mysterious something has clawed a gigantic hole in his stomach. Hooray! And as fluffy bits of the rapidly-cooling corpse's shredded down vest waft through the gentle nighttime breeze, both the horrified Jailbait Monster Chow and what remains of his significantly less-attractive brother vanish beneath the overwhelming onslaught of this evening's...
...SNOT ROCKET! Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon remains missing, and I'm afraid I have no update on the search for the dear, dizzy lizard, but thanks to a canny and wise suggestion from the lovely and talented Vaya on the forum boards, I'll be spending my Easter weekend papering the nail salons of Bay Ridge with the scaly little bastard's missing person poster. Why I didn't think of this before I'll never know, but thanks for the idea, Vaya! Though if I find out after all these months that he's been posing as a manicurist for whatever godawful and scatterbrained reason, I'll kill him myself.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes: After the dripping is done, the opening beats of Bel Biv DeVoe's "Poison" herald the return of the reprehensible DJ Qualls to the Supernatural screen and oh my God, I want to punch my fist through my television set right now. I think the last time he was on the show, I did a pretty good job of ignoring his presence throughout the recap, but that's going to be near impossible tonight, especially because the four minutes of screen time are devoted to his hunt for the mysterious something that disemboweled Fugly Monster Chow during the pre-credits sequence. Can I just say he fails miserably in this relatively simple task he's set for himself and leave it at that? Huh? Please? Please?
Well, shit.
So, the repugnant DJ Qualls slides his shitty seventh generation Ford Ranchero into a parking spot outside the Burger Heaven on Tenth Street in New Westminster, British Columbia, and now they're not even trying with the goddamned locations anymore and why did no one cancel this fucking awful, evil show after the end of the fifth season? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYY?
Gah! ANY-way, even though we're supposed to be in Junction City, Kansas tonight, the repellent DJ Qualls slides his shitty seventh generation Ford Ranchero into a parking spot outside a well-known Vancouver-area hamburger restaurant to interview a couple of the waitresses, who just so happen to be the two photogenic young ladies from this evening's pre-credits sequence. Long story short, the two photogenic young ladies from this evening's pre-credits sequence basically blame Fugly Monster Chow's untimely demise on the restless spirit of the unfortunate Miss Greentree, so the unspeakably vile DJ Qualls climbs back into his shitty seventh generation Ford Ranchero to motor on over to...
...the local cemetery, where he quickly desecrates the grave of the unfortunate Miss Greentree, after which he salts and burns the wretch's remains.
Meanwhile, back in the woods, Jailbait Monster Chow slugs back a pint or two of off-brand whiskey in the front seat of his oversized pickup truck before grabbing a rifle and staggering off into the underbrush alone, intent on avenging his significantly less-attractive brother's death. Naturally, this leads to him getting his drunken ass hauled up into a tree by the same mysterious something that earlier offed Fugly Monster Chow and before we know it, Jailbait Monster Chow's jiggling, jittering body is expelling copious amounts of blood and body bits onto the forest floor. Poor Jailbait Monster Chow. Why did it have to be you and not this evening's entirely unnecessary "special" guest "star"? Sigh.
Over in Junction City proper, the revolting DJ Qualls pitches a massive hissy in the front seat of his shitty seventh generation Ford Ranchero when his police scanner belches out news of Jailbait Monster Chow's untimely demise. "How is that possible?" the abhorrent DJ Qualls squeals. "I Garthed her!" Shove it up your ass, dicksmack.
Somewhere else, Our Intrepid Heroes finally -- finally -- deign to grace us with their presence this evening and the camera arrives to find Dashing El Deano chit-chatting via cell phone with the never-seen Meg Masters regarding My Catatonic Baboo's current woeful condition while Darling Sammy steers This Week's Crapped-Out Piece Of Automotive Trash through the night, and it's a good thing no one took me up on my bet from last week, though I certainly would have been more than happy to mail the promised five dollars cash money to whomever wagered against me. In any event, once Dashing El Deano learns that My Catatonic Baboo remains much the same as when last we saw him, he hangs up and the two get to talking -- of course -- about Darling Sammy's freshly-restored sanity. When that's all over and done with, the utterly appalling DJ Qualls calls with news of the ongoing crisis in Junction City. Dashing El Deano's all, "Righty-o!" and the thing we know...
...Our Intrepid Heroes have arrived at The Geary County Morgue in their cunning FBI drag to examine what remains of Poor Dead Jailbait Monster Chow. Of course, the detestable DJ Qualls is already there in a costume of his own and, after a seemingly endless bit of "special" guest "star"-related stupidity I'll not be bothering to transcribe, Dapper El Deano whips out his trusty little EMF reader, which promptly emits a series of befuddling VWEEEE-YORP!s the instant he waves it around in the air. This is unexpected and confusing for the tiny little people in the TV set, you see, because the odious DJ Qualls had earlier scanned the area with a trusty little EMF reader of his own and found no signs of lingering ghostly residue whatsoever. The few remaining members of this wretched show's rapidly-dwindling audience, however, have already figured out that Dapper El Deano's trusty little EMF reader is picking up The Spectral Presence Of Bobby Singer, so let's ignore Dapper El Deano's mistaken supposition that the unfortunate Miss Greentree must still have some part of her "laying around," and instead head on over to the coroner's computer, where we find Dapper Sammy already deploying his mad Googling skillz. Soon enough, he discovers that the deceased Brothers Chow were actually the scions of a prominent local brewing family, so Our Intrepid Heroes plus the shockingly unpleasant DJ Qualls decamp for the...
...inventively named "Midwestern Brewing Company," where the comely manager, "Marie," graciously invites them in to chat with her father, "Jim," and Mr. McAnn's business partner, "Randy Baxter." And, after watching as Randy Baxter upbraids a dejected-looking twentysomething janitor over the latter's tardiness, Dapper Sammy and the despicable DJ Qualls peel away from Dapper El Deano and Marie McAnn to head into the brewery's main office, where it quickly becomes apparent even to the insufferable DJ Qualls that Mr. McAnn is in no condition to answer their questions.
Meanwhile, down amongst the fermentation tanks, Dapper El Deano learns via the gossipy Marie that a third partner in the company recently killed himself for reasons to be revealed later in the episode. "Your dad still feels bad about that?" Dapper El Deano prompts. "And it doesn't help that Dale's wife is suing us," Marie eyerolls. "Really?" Dapper El Deano squints. "Why?" "She's angry and grieving," Marie guesses, "and this is America." And while I'd certainly love to linger on this scene's sudden turn towards the trenchant social commentary, I'm sure, there's something that's been bothering me ever since Marie first appeared on screen: Her two younger brothers just had their intestines yanked out of their nostrils by some as-yet-unknown assailant, right? So, why is she so goddamned blasé about the whole thing? I mean, I'm already bored out of my skull by this tedious storyline, sure, but then again I'm just some schlub stuck watching it all by my lonesome at home. What the hell is her excuse?
Whatever. Don't care and never will, so let's head back up to the brewery's main office, shall we? Excellent. That Randy Baxter person has sent the distraught Mr. McAnn away and he now gifts us all with a round of expository blather that goes something like this: While he himself is childless, he treated "all four of Jim's kids" as if they were his own. He also confirms the third partner's suicide before sighing, "This is just a nightmare." Tell me about it. "First Dale," Randy Baxter continues, referring to the dead partner, "now this?" They're on the verge of selling their most prominent brand to "one of the largest distributors in the U.S.," you see and "given other circumstances," they'd be celebrating and why the fuck am I listening to some guy I've never seen before whine about a multimillion-dollar brewery acquisition deal on this show? You know, aside from the fact that that "one of the largest distributors in the U.S." is likely a fully-owned subsidiary of Richard Roman Enterprises, of course. God, The Leviathans are dull, with all of their financially competent machinations and scheming. Anyway, while all that was going on, Dapper Sammy happened to train his steely gaze upon an odd-looking box in a corner of the office -- a box covered by what appear to be Japanese characters, by the way -- but before we can find out what in Christ's name that's supposed to signify, we get booted over to...
...Manse McAnn, where the camera lingers on a photograph of Clan McAnn in happier times before panning up to follow along as Dead-Eyed Marie's sole surviving sibling -- a thirtysomething bleached blonde named "Lillian" -- fixes herself a much-needed screwdriver in the manse's tastefully-appointed kitchen. Mmmm... vodka. Lillian then rather inelegantly swigs back about half of her soothing cocktail before carrying it and an identical glass of plain orange juice over to the dining room, where her daughter, "Tess," busies herself with an art project of some sort. Lillian sets the drinks down on the table to greet her just-arriving father and Tess, of course, accidentally takes a sip from the wrong glass. Because this show sucks, this tiny bit of alcohol immediately has Wee Tess slurring like a sailor on shore leave and as she lolls her head around all cross-eyed and such, she catches blurry sight of... that freaky chick from The Ring! And as they are now ripping off their own seven-year-old rip-off of a ten-year-old movie, I've lost all interest in this scene and I will therefore be cutting to the chase. Wee Little Drunken Tess, trailed closely by Big Daddy McAnn, follows That Freaky Chick From The Ring into Manse McAnn's tastefully-appointed kitchen, where That Freaky Chick From The Ring wastes little time gutting Lillian like a fish. Big Daddy McAnn's subsequent shouts of horror and revulsion echo into this evening's first METAL TEETH CHOMP!, and I can't fucking believe we still have forty-five minutes to go. They're going to kill me before this season is over with, I swear to God.
Back from the break, we head over to This Week's Motel Room to find Our Intrepid Heroes and their most unwelcome guest researching "things with claws that go bump in the night." They interrupt their research to indulge themselves in a lengthy conversation regarding the heinous DJ Qualls's questionable motel selection -- the place prominently advertises "afternoon delights" on its in-room flyers -- after which Dashing El Deano places Dead Bobby's flask to the dreadful DJ Qualls's trusty little EMF reader, the latter of which of course immediately goes, "VWEEEE-YORP!" For whatever stupid reason, everyone involved chooses to ignore this in favor of... oh, my Christ, this is just awful. Dashing El Deano presents the obscene DJ Qualls with a beer, which the horrendous "special" guest proceeds to down in one gulp and yes, the monstrous little cretin immediately becomes pie-eyed -- immediately -- after only one beer. ONE FUCKING BEER. I WANT TO DIE.
And as I can no longer deal with this fucking scene, either, I'll simply note that Our Intrepid Heroes agree to split up, with Darling Sammy off to interview Dead Dale's angry widow while Dashing El Deano drags their most unwelcome guest over to Manse McAnn for a little follow-up, and are we done here? Good.
Manse McAnn. Now mind you, this sequence is taking place no more than a half-an-hour after Wee Tess and Big Daddy McAnn watched in gape-mouthed horror as That Freaky Chick From The Ring slaughtered Wee Tess's mother, so I have no idea why the place isn't swarming with Junction City police detectives wondering how Poor Dead Lillian managed to get herself mauled by a rabid wild animal in her own goddamned kitchen, let alone why the surviving adult McAnns haven't long since spirited Traumatized Tess away from the scene of her mother's grisly murder. But the idiots responsible for this trash apparently don't want any of us to think about any of that at the moment because we're instead meant to focus on tonight's nauseating "special" guest "star" as he whips a sock puppet out of his pants to coerce Traumatized Tess into giving them a statement. And no, I am not kidding with that and no, I just can't with the awful, evil, foul, wicked, nasty, disgusting, rancid mess of a scene that follows, so long story short: Traumatized Tess eventually tells them all about That Freaky Chick From The Ring, and !
Dead Dale Estates. Darling Sammy, as promised, interviews The Angry Widow and learns that her dead husband's former partners "sold his company right out from under him." "It's not about money," she insists, referring to the lawsuit she's brought against Messrs. McAnn and Baxter while explaining that the brewery was her otherwise childless husband's "baby." "You sound pretty upset about it," Sam mildly observes. "I'm furious," The Angry Widow admits, "but then I think how Dale was." "What do you mean?" Our Intrepid Hero prompts, immense amounts of faux concern flooding his puppy-dog eyes. "His friends left him behind," she replies, "but you know what he said? 'I'm gonna send them a gift that shows I forgive them.'" Darling Sammy of course thinks to inquire as to the nature of that gift and looks appropriately intrigued when The Angry Widow confides, "A bottle of sake from one of his trips, in a gorgeous box with writing." "He was so careful with it," The Angry Widow remembers. "He wouldn't let me touch it." DUN!
Shitty Seventh Generation Ford Ranchero and I have quite seriously long since reached the point where I can no longer bear to watch or listen to another goddamned second of tonight's "special" guest "star," so here's what the closed captioning is telling me: Dashing El Deano realizes that both Poor Dead Fugly Monster Chow and Traumatized Tess were plowed when they saw That Freaky Chick From The Ring, and so he correctly reasons that That Freaky Chick From The Ring only appears to those who are drunk. He immediately whips out Dead Bobby's flask to get himself -- as he puts it -- "in the zone," and this leads to a discussion of the effect Dead Bobby's flask has apparently been having on everyone's trusty little EMF readers. For whatever reason, Dumbass El Deano obstinately refuses even to consider the possibility that Dead Bobby's been "riding [his] wave" all this time and just when the conversation in the car threatens to explode into an argument, Darling Sammy rings with news of Dead Dale's sake bomb. Dean gruffly agrees to meet back at the brewery, and before we know it...
...Our Intrepid Heroes are tippy-toeing their collective way into the brewery's main office, where they pull Dead Dale's sake bomb from its box, only to find that the bottle's seal has already been broken. Eagle-Eyed El Deano spots a small camera embedded in the ceiling and orders Darling Sammy to hack into the brewery's security system in an effort to find out who broke the seal and after a bit of futzing, Darling Sammy lands on a recording of Poor Dead Fugly Monster Chow sneaking into Big Daddy McAnn's office four nights ago to swipe some of his father's liquor. As we can see from the recording, the kid sucks down a significant portion of the bottle's contents before deciding it's not to his taste, after which he staggers from the room, apparently on his own. Dashing El Deano immediately understands they might be blind to the booze monster because they are not themselves intoxicated at the moment, so Our Intrepid Heroes guzzle copious amounts of slivovitz and whiskey from Big Daddy McAnn's private stash until That Freaky Chick From The Ring suddenly materializes at Poor Dead Fugly Monster Chow's pixilated side on the computer's screen. "So," Drunk Sam summarizes, "he let that thing out of the box and it must have followed him to the place with all the thingies!" "Yes!" Drunk Dean eagerly agrees, adding a wide-eyed and deeply, deeply sincere, "That's smart!" before taking another swig from his glass. Just then, Randy Baxter unexpectedly barges in on the proceedings to shout something about calling the cops and Jensen Ackles executes one perfect and hilarious spit-take before everything goes to hell when this evening's "special" guest "star" pops up from out of nowhere to taser the hapless Mr. Baxter into submission. D'OH!
We return from tonight's second and most woefully CHOMP!-less commercial break to find Our Intrepid Heroes standing at the kitchen door of what I'm sure is Junction City's only Japanese restaurant, where they listen intently as one of the restaurant's cooks translates the script on Dead Dale's sake bomb. "What you took will be taken from you," the helpful cook reads before clamming up once he gets an eyeful of the line. "Where'd you guys get this?" the cook scowls. "Is something the matter?" Darling Sammy too-innocently wonders. "This says the bottle inside contains a Shojo," the cook replies, and it's nice of this helpful gentleman to provide me with the creature's actual name, but I'm still gonna keep calling it a Japanese booze monster, thanks. The cook insists "it's just an old myth," but he takes great care to warn that Japanese booze monsters "are not known for being friendly" before excusing himself back into Junction City's only Japanese restaurant. Our Intrepid Heroes go, "Hmmm!" for a moment, then head back to...
...This Week's Motel Room, where the hapless Mr. Baxter has been handcuffed to the room's hot tub. Remarks are made regarding how stupid it is to have "the CEO of the douchiest microbrew in the U.S." bound and gagged in a no-tell motel's hot tub before Darling Sammy unleashes a little more of his Google-fu to find out what exactly it is they're dealing with on the supernatural front this evening. Long story short, Japanese booze monsters can be harnessed and deployed as weapons, as I believe we have already seen numerous times during the course of this evening's events, but the good news is they can be killed "with a samurai sword consecrated with a Shinto blessing." Our Intrepid Heroes bang their empty yet extraordinarily pretty heads together for a bit and eventually realize that since Dead Dale thought of the brewery as his "baby," he sent his sake bomb after his faithless partners' actual children, which means that tonight's particular Japanese booze monster will be gunning for Dead-Eyed Marie . Dashing El Deano decides to hit up Junction City's pawn shops on the off chance one of them'll have an authentic samurai sword in its collection while Darling Sammy's to babysit Dead-Eyed Marie, but naturally there's a problem: Dead Bobby's flask sets off someone's trusty little EMF reader again and voice once more is given to those earlier suspicions regarding The Spectral Presence Of Bobby Singer, which again threatens to send Dumbass El Deano into a screaming rage of denial and angst. For whatever reason, Darling Sammy chooses this moment to confess that he attempted to contact Dead Bobby via Ouija board way back when Dean's beer disappeared, and while he's quick to note the results of his experiment were decidedly negative, Darling Sammy's open admission of subterfuge and LYING only serves to further enrage Dumbass El Deano, so it's quite a good thing when the hapless Mr. Baxter unleashes a series of moany complaints from his corner of the room, as it forces Dumbass El Deano to drop the matter for the moment in favor of continuing with their case.
And once Our Intrepid Heroes have exited This Week's Motel Room to embark upon their separate errands, a scene I refuse to watch transpires in which we learn that the hapless Mr. Baxter secretly fathered an illegitimate son with his secretary many years ago -- and, wouldn't you know it? That son is now the dejected-looking twentysomething janitor we last saw the hapless Mr. Baxter yelling at about eighteen hours ago! Who's also currently working the night shift in the brewery, alone! While the Japanese booze monster shoots him a wicked side-eye! Dun-dun-DUN!
The Only Japanese Restaurant In Junction City. Dashing El Deano has improbably secured an authentic samurai sword at some point during this evening's third most woefully CHOMP!-less commercial break and he's prevailed upon the helpful cook from a couple of scenes ago to perform the appropriate Shinto blessing. "It says it's best to do this in a running spring," the helpful cook frowns, examining the print-out Our Intrepid Hero's brought along. Dashing El Deano immediately produces a bottle of mineral water from his jacket pocket, so I guess they've got that aspect of the ritual covered and as Dean splashes water on the sword's blade, the helpful cook recites a short spell, after which he more or less wishes Dean good luck before vanishing once more into the bowels of The Only Japanese Restaurant In Junction City, never to be seen again.
Just then, Dashing El Deano's cell phone rings and apparently someone's rushing to the aid of Mr. Baxter's illicit love child.
Unfortunately, that someone is not Darling Sammy, as he's busy getting ripped at a local restaurant, where Dead-Eyed Marie's enjoying an evening out with friends, even though a majority of her family has been slaughtered over the last couple of days. Are we sure she's not actually responsible for tonight's Japanese booze monster? Oh, wait a minute, I got it -- Dead-Eyed Marie's really a Leviathan, right? A Leviathan who facilitated the sale of her family's brewery to Richard Roman Enterprises? That's got to be it, yeah? I mean, no normal woman would be out cocktailing with friends the very same night her sole surviving sibling got her stomach ripped out by a Japanese booze monster, right? Right?
Oh, fuck it. I hate this show.
Anyway, where the hell was I again? Oh, yeah: Darling Sammy's babysitting Leviathanically-Enhanced Marie as promised and Dashing El Deano's still cooling his heels over at The Only Japanese Restaurant In Junction City, so I guess this means I won't be watching the scene that follows, in which someone who is not Darling Sammy or Dashing El Deano attempts to snatch Mr. Baxter's illicit love child from the Japanese booze monster's sharply-honed claws, only to end up with his contemptible ass slung through a wall by the monster in question. And in a sign of how hateful this episode's become for me, I can't even take pleasure in that.
Meanwhile, Dashing El Deano phones Darling Sammy and tells him to get his drunk ass over to the brewery, pronto. Obediently enough, Darling Sammy boozily commandeers a cab outside the restaurant and is soon offering comfort and assistance to Mr. Baxter's illicit love child, who miraculously survived the Japanese booze monster's initial assault all by himself. Darling Sammy then attempts to escape with Mr. Baxter's illicit love child, but alas! The crafty Japanese booze monster smacks Our Intrepid Hero up with a bit of telekinetic energy that sends him slamming backwards into a brewery wall, after which Darling Sammy slumps to the floor, momentarily dazed. Fortunately, Dashing El Deano arrives on the scene at this very moment to slash and hack away at the air with his unlikely samurai sword. Of course, no sooner has he begun flailing around with the thing when the Japanese booze monster telekinetically bats the unlikely samurai sword from his grip and it skitters far across the brewery floor, where it remains uncomfortably out of Dashing El Deano's reach until The Spectral Presence Of Bobby Singer gives it a good kick back in Our Intrepid Hero's direction. Huzzah! And once Darling Sammy's regained what's left of his wits, a fairly amusing bit follows in which Drunk Sam shouts out a series of incomprehensible directions to Sober Dean, who somehow manages to skewer the Japanese booze monster with the samurai sword, anyway.
And when the unearthly howling accompanying the monster's demise is done, Dashing El Deano sends Darling Sammy and Mr. Baxter's illicit love child off on some unimportant errand so he might hang back and whisper, "Bobby? Are you here?" There's no answer. "Come on," Dean pleads, getting all misty-eyed and ducky-lipped and such, "do something!" The Spectral Presence Of Bobby Singer remains silent and just before we head into this evening's final commercial break once again most woefully CHOMP!-less, we can see that Darling Sammy's sneaked back from his utterly unimportant errand in time to witness this last anguished wail of his brother's. Um. DUN!?
This Week's Motel. Aftermath. The shitty seventh generation Ford Ranchero that's been plaguing our screens all evening eventually disappears from the motel's parking lot, after which Our Intrepid Heroes prepare to motor on off towards their adventure in This Week's Crapped-Out Piece Of Automotive Trash. By the way, it would be remiss of me at this juncture were I not to note that This Week's Crapped-Out Piece Of Automotive Trash is actually an AMC Pacer, the same car that featured so prominently in the movie from which this episode stole its title. Just so you know.
In any event, as Our Intrepid Heroes lope and clompy-stomp their respective ways back into This Week's Motel Room to fetch their baggage, they quite naturally get to chit-chatting about recent events and it's here that Darling Sammy admits he witnessed Dashing El Deano's anguished wail back at the brewery. "What happened?" Sam wonders. "Nothing," Dean LIES, hastily adding, "It was just my imagination." Sam calls him on this and urges Dean to level with him about the whole Dead Bobby thing, which leads to a series of Dean-narrated flashbacks detailing each of the four times The Spectral Presence Of Bobby Singer has made itself known since Dead Bobby's untimely demise: The magically disappearing beer, the magically appearing sheet of paper, last week's address book and tonight's samurai sword. "If it wasn't Bobby," Dashing El Deano angrily concludes, "then what?" Darling Sammy gently replies that perhaps Dashing El Deano is letting his manfully repressed grief get the better of him or something like that, and suggests there's any number of non-ghost explanations for the events Deano just described. Dean clearly thinks Sam is full of shit, but because they're both so brutally hungover at the moment, he silently decides to drop the issue for now and quietly follows Sam out to This Week's Crapped-Out Piece Of Automotive Trash.
And once Dashing El Deano shuts the door behind him, the camera slides over to the left a bit to reveal that Ghastly Dead Bobby's been watching them this entire time. From what I understand, this was meant to be a huge surprise for the few remaining members of this wretched show's rapidly-dwindling audience -- they even took great care to omit Jim Beaver's name from the guest scroll at the top of the hour to avoid blowing the supposed impact of this moment -- but come on: We've all been waiting for him to pop up again ever since they so blatantly left us hanging regarding his afterlife status at the end of "Death's Door." In any event, Ghastly Dead Bobby looks a little sad, likely because Dumbass El Deano's carelessly left the battered old flask Ghastly Dead Bobby's been riding for the last few months on the folded-up motel cot. Fortunately, Dean notices the flask's absence in his jacket pocket before the boys drive off and he reenters This Week's Motel Room to fetch it. Unfortunately, Dean remains oblivious to the ghost now all but staring him in the eye. "I'm right here, ya idjit!" Ghastly Dead Bobby exasperates, but of course, Dean can't hear him and as Dean exits This Week's Motel Room for the last time, Ghastly Dead Bobby buzzes and blinks and flickers out to join Our Intrepid Heroes as they finally -- finally -- motor on off into the black.
No new episodes for a couple of weeks, thank Christ, so do enjoy your springtime holiday of choice this weekend and we'll see you all back here on April 20th for the first of this horrific season's last five episodes. Have fun!
Demian will now begin drawing up a list of Bay Ridge beauty parlors. Raoul remains at large. You may reach the former at demian_twop@yahoo.com. The latter is an imaginary gay dragon on the Internet who might be masquerading as an aesthetic technician in a nail salon, for whatever stupid reason. If you've seen the dizzy lizard, let us know.
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