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Once again, we get an episode that picks up immediately where the last one left off, so it's back down into the blood-streaked bowels of Crowley's laboratory for us, where we find the badly battered Dean and Bobby cowering in the presence of whatever the hell it is that My Sweet Baboo became at the end of last week. Unfortunately, the tens or hundreds or thousands of Leviathans swimming around inside what's left of Castiel's gut soon start melting the Vessel, so The Leviathans beat a strategic (and incredibly drippy) retreat to the local municipal reservoir, where they dissolve themselves -- and what's left of Castiel's body -- into the water supply for Stockville, Kansas.
For whatever asinine reason, Our Intrepid Heroes -- who witnessed the entirety of Castiel's soggy end, mind you -- fail to notify the proper authorities of the inky-black foulness now poisoning the reservoir, thereby effectively granting The Leviathans liberty to possess the entirety of the town's population at their leisure, so I guess it's to the monsters' collective credit that they initially assume control of five or six people, tops, including a little girl named Annie, a demolitions expert named Edgar, and two Stockville High Sharks, the latter of whom promptly eat all the other guys on their swim team, in the process drawing national media attention to the little burg. Leviathan Edgar, who seems to be some sort of trusted deputy of the as-yet-unseen Boss Leviathan, orders Leviathan Annie to do a better job keeping things on the down-low for now, so she pouts and mopes and watches a lot of shitty TV and eventually stumbles across a masterful and cunning plan: If they assume control of a large urban hospital, they'll have access to all the human organs they could ever hope to eat, and more.
Naturally, the large urban hospital they decide to occupy is Sioux Falls General, because why pick something convenient in nearby Kansas City when you can travel two states and four hundred miles away for the same thing, right? Fortunately, Sheriff Jody Mills happens to be on one of the wards when the invasion begins, recovering from an appendectomy, so she's able to sound the alarm the minute she notices something strange -- you know, like her doctor eating her roommate's liver -- and Our Intrepid Heroes plus Bobby are soon on the case. Well, Dean and Bobby are soon on the case, because Sam's still having lengthy dialogues with the imaginary Satan who lives deep inside that freakish Cro-Magnon skull of his, but that's not the real problem. No, the real problem is that these Leviathan things are pretty much unkillable, and they're under orders to take out Sam, Dean, and Bobby as quickly as possible.
To that end, Leviathan Edgar incinerates The Emporium -- I know! -- before vanishing Bobby and laying a smackdown on Our Dear Boys that's actually -- for the first time in the history of this show -- really injurious. Yep, the monster shatters Dean's shinbone in about three different places and whacks Sam into a life-threatening concussion before Dean manages to drop a car on the thing, and the episode ends with a decidedly atypical cliffhanger that involves Sam flipping into a seizure in an ambulance that's whisking Our Intrepid Heroes straight into the mouth of the monsters' lair at Sioux Falls General, despite Dean's mighty entreaties for the paramedics to avoid the place at all costs. The whole thing left me feeling cautiously optimistic for this Leviathan storyline, so I'm sure they're gonna fuck it all up week.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Rattle, Rattle WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE THEN! Once upon a time, Sheriff Jody Mills helped Bobby and the boys shoot a bunch of zombies in the head. Some time later, Sheriff Jody Mills reappeared to offer Bobby a bit of assistance after he most awesomely ran a monster through a woodchipper. Then, Sheriff Jody Mills vanished from the face of the earth, though something tells me we'll probably be seeing her again tonight. Call it a hunch. In other news, Darling Sammy went to Hell, and all he got was a lousy wall in his head; Lucifer returned to fuck with Darling Sammy's mind; Darling Sammy cut his heretofore remarkably healthy hand open on a piece of glass; and My Sweet Baboo sucked down a bunch of Leviathans, who amused themselves with his abs for a bit before deciding to take over his brain.
Rattle, Rattle WE'RE STILL NOT GIVING A SHIT NOW! The episode picks up immediately where the last one left off, with Dean and Bobby sprawled out on the floor of Crowley's laboratory while Whatever The Hell Castiel Is Now paces back and forth above them, chuckling to Itself as It revels in Its splendid newfound wickedness. Dark lines of bitterly black demonic foulness branch up out of Its neck to race across Its face as It menacingly approaches the just-awakening Bobby, but barely has It made it halfway across the floor when It hesitates and sways, looking more than a little bit woozy. Dean notices Its sudden fit of unsteadiness and defiantly snarks, "How many of you assclowns are in there? A hundred? More?" The Thing That Used To Be My Sweet Baboo does not reply, because It's far too busy leaking motor oil from Its fingertips at the moment to care much one way or the other about Dean's negative attitude. "Your Vessel's gonna explode, ain't it?" Dean guesses, allowing himself a smile, though why he's smiling at the possibility of thousands of Leviathans spilling out across the laboratory floor, I'll never know. Meanwhile, The Monster Castiel's Become begins leaking motor oil from Its eyes, mouth, nostrils, and sideburns. Realizing It's in no condition to fight, My Former Baboo growls, "We'll be back for you!" and beats a strategic and exceptionally leaky retreat. "This is a new one!" Bobby hoots the instant My Former Baboo has shuffled out of the laboratory proper, and methinks we'll be the judge of that, hairball.
Meanwhile, My Former Baboo staggers down that forbiddingly darkened hallway from last week and out a convenient emergency exit, in the process completely ignoring the fact that Lucifer's now got Darling Sammy in a chokehold. It must have gotten a little of that motor oil in Its eyes. Then again, Darling Sammy didn't seem to notice My Former Baboo lurching past, either, and the only thing he's got in his eyes is Mark Pellegrino, so I don't know what the hell's going on, here. Maybe I should shut up and listen to the dialogue. "You're not real!" Darling Sammy somehow manages to choke out, despite all evidence to the contrary. "Riiiiight!" Lucifer croons. "You think this fruitbat fever dream is reality?" he smirks. "You come back -- I'm sorry -- with no soul, like some peppy American Psycho 'til Saint Dean glues you back together again by buying you some magic amnesia?" Well, when you put it like that, Satan, of course Season Six sucked. Lucifer releases the chokehold, and as Darling Sammy crashes back to the floor, gasping for air, his tormentor claims, "You're real, I'm real, and everything else is what we call 'set dressing.'" "You're still in my cell," Lucifer taunts. "My bunkmate buddy -- you're my little bitch in every sense of the term." I am sickened and repulsed. And strangely excited at the same time. Darling Sammy averts his eyes and starts hyperventilating a little bit as Lucifer whispers, "Saaaaaaaaam!" and when he looks back up, he finds...
...Dashing El Deano poking his nose all up in his face! DUN! As Dean's got approximately zero time to deal with Sam's brain bullshit at the moment, he orders his brother to "button this up," and with that, the boys plus Bobby exit Crowley's laboratory, this time presumably for good.
Out on some ridiculously scenic hiking trail, My Former Baboo lurches along until It reaches a fenced-in municipal reservoir. With the last of Its strength, My Former Baboo rips the padlock from the gate and stumbles into the water just as Sam, Dean, and Bobby race onto the scene behind It. Our three protagonists watch helplessly as My Former Baboo wades out into the middle of the lake, at which point It allows Itself to sink beneath the surface. A whirlpool immediately forms above the spot where My Former Baboo disappeared, and it spins for a bit before collapsing in upon itself and coughing up a clot of bitterly black demonic foulness, which shoots out in inky tentacles across the surface of the lake before diving back down into the waters' depths. "Aw, hell," Bobby sighs, right before he ducks beneath the frame to avoid the oncoming...
...SNOT ROCKET! "This new title card is most unhygienic, I must say!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, who should know a thing or two about hygienic issues at this point in his exceptionally long life. "And just what is that supposed to mean, HMMMM?!" Raoul shrieks again, twisting himself around atop his overstuffed armchair to glare at yours truly, and nothing! I'm sure I meant absolutely nothing by that remark at all, my impressively fanged companion! Now, shall we carry on into the episode proper? "Hmph!" Good.
Back on the shores of scenic Lake Leviathan, Dean grunts, "Dammit!" "You said it," Bobby wearily agrees. "If those things are in the pipes," he unnecessarily explains, "they got themselves a highway to anywhere." Miraculously, My Former Baboo's soggy trench coat has already drifted to shore -- though there's absolutely no sign whatsoever of the rest of his clothing, of course -- and Dean squats down to retrieve it. "So, he's gone?" Dean wonders, referring of course to My Former Baboo, and sweetie, really. Do you not watch your own show? No one's gone, ever. Well, except for your worthless bastard of a so-called father, but that's only because Jeffrey Dean Morgan's movie career looked like it was gonna blow up, and now that that seems to have fallen all to hell, I wouldn't be surprised if even he pops back into your goddamned lives at some wretched point in the very near future. "Dumb son of a bitch!" Dean mourns, manfully, as he rolls My Once And Future Baboo's trench coat up into a drippy ball of angst. "Well," Bobby dryly observes, "he was friends with us, wasn't he? Can't get much dumber than that." And with that, Our Intrepid Heroes plus Bobby slowly trudge back to their cars.
The camera, however, tarries behind, lingering on the shores of scenic Lake Leviathan as The Doobie Brothers begin serenading us with their smash Billboard Hot 100 hit, "Black Water," and get it? No, seriously, do you... "WE GOT IT!" There's no call to get snippy, Raoul. "Oh, my apologies, I'm sure! I'm just anxious for a little bloodshed!" Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait a bit longer for that, my scaly friend. "Rats!" Yep, first we must follow along as the shot cross-fades into a montage of local residents making use of their bounteous municipal water supply in a variety of entertaining ways. A bevy of nubile young scantily-clad female cheerleaders holds a fundraising car wash for the Stockville High Sharks down on the school's football field while elsewhere, a prim-looking matron refills her capacious Brita-brand pitcher in her well-appointed suburban kitchen. Meanwhile, a wee slip of a preadolescent girl sucks on a park fountain as her bored-looking elder brother occupies himself with some fascinating something off screen. "Eeep!" Oh, sorry, Raoul -- guess I should have warned you about the preadolescent girl, huh? "Eeeeep!" Well, it should at least please you to note that the tiny nightmare does end up with a mouthful of bitterly black demonic foulness for her trouble, shouldn't it? "Eeeeeeeep!" Guess not. I'll just let you seize up in a paroxysm of fear over there on your overstuffed armchair, then, and continue with the recap, shall I? "EEEEEEEP!" Fine. The tiny nightmare swallows the bilious crap and shudders herself into a brief series of jerky convulsions before calming down and allowing a small, sinister smile to pass across her face. She slowly twists her head around to stare balefully at her oblivious and soon-to-be-dead older brother for a moment, and then we're off to...
...a private garage, where we find a nondescript middle-aged gent futzing with the spark plugs in his car. Suddenly, the pipes leading to the work sink in the corner start rattling off their supports, so the nondescript middle-aged gent knocks it off with his futzing to amble on over and investigate, and that's a very bad move on the nondescript middle-aged gent's part, indeed, for the moment he reaches the sink, the faucet vomits a spray of bitterly black demonic foulness directly into his eyes. DUN!
Deep within the lush coastal rainforests of southeastern South Dakota, Darling Sammy slumbers peacefully upon one of Bobby's vermin-infested sofas until Lucifer starts whispering sweet nothings in his ear. He bolts awake in a blind panic, only to find his brother hovering above him with a hearty wake-up snack of bottled water and protein bars. Dean tends to Sam's injured mitt, with Lucifer quite amusingly offering us all a snide running commentary on the action from off to one side until Bobby enters so the three might chat about their latest predicament. As The Leviathans have yet to reveal themselves in any sort of obvious, media-friendly manner, Our Intrepid Heroes plus their ever-patient host must resign themselves to sitting around doing nothing for the moment. Fortunately, this allows them more than enough time to jabber away at each other -- AGAIN, SOME MORE -- this time about Sam's fascinating Lucifer hallucinations. Dean's flabbergasted to learn of this latest kink in Sam's ongoing bout of mindfuckery, and he wonders, loudly, "Why would the devil holodeck you a whole new life when he could just kick your ass all over The Cage?" "'Cause," Sam explains, "as he puts it, 'You can't torture someone who has nothing left for you to take away.'" Lucifer, saucily perched on a chair in the middle of the study, chimed in to echo Sam on all of that, and he now offers Darling Sammy a delightfully condescending, "Very good!" for getting the appropriate quote right. Dean and Bobby eventually notice that Sam's been staring anxiously off to one side during this entire conversation, and Dean blurts, "Wait. Are you seeing him right now?" Sam nods. "You know that he's not real, right?" Dean asks. Sam takes a miserable moment to mope before sadly replying, "He says the same thing about you." Bobby hysterically takes this as his cue to excuse himself from all of the batshit now occupying his study, and once he's gone, Sam and Dean stare at each other.
Back in Stockville, the bored little nightmare of a preadolescent horror channel-surfs until she lands on a rerun of the painfully named Doctor Sexy, M.D. "EEEEEEEP!" Poor Raoul. In any event, the bored little nightmare of a preadolescent horror listens intently as one of the show's characters bitches, "I'm sorry, doctor -- I forgot being head surgeon means you cut into whatever body you want and take out whatever organ pleases you, without any paperwork whatsoever!" The bored little nightmare of a preadolescent horror gets An Idea, and smiles. "EEEEEEEP!"
Up in the Emporium, Bobby and Dean watch silently from the kitchen as Sam entertains himself by repeatedly "field-stripping his weapon" over in the study, and no, they are not using "field-stripping his weapon" as an amusing euphemism for something filthy, though somebody somewhere probably should. Dean surreptitiously slips a hand into Sam's jacket pocket and retrieves his brother's cell phone to activate the thing's GPS on the extremely likely chance Sam "decides to fly the cuckoo's nest" at some point during this evening's festivities, and then Dean and Bobby settle in to chat at each other -- AGAIN, SOME MORE -- this time regarding Dean's supposedly delicate state of mind, and long story short, Dean LIES that he's fine. Bobby recognizes that particular piece of bullshit for what it is, but we don't have time to deal with this tedious crap at the moment, because something nefarious is a-brewing down at...
...Stockville High School. A bevy of nubile young scantily-clad male swim-team members enters the boys' locker room to find two of their compatriots already waiting for them. "Where were you guys?" one of the bevy asks. "I guess we got here early," the first of the two too-casually shrugs while tossing his companion A Look. "Heard something weird come from the showers," the first of the two goes on to note as his companion crosses to close and bolt the locker-room door. "You're gonna get in trouble," one of the bevy warns. The companion spins back from the door to face the others, and as a thin line of bitterly black demonic foulness trickles down from his left eye, the companion smirks, "I probably am!" before latching on to one of the bevy and slamming his head against the cinder-block wall. "VIOLENCE!" howls Raoul, momentarily recovering from his horror-induced paralysis to writhe about atop his overstuffed armchair with delight. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT DOUCHEBAG-SLAUGHTERING VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Now, Raoul -- how do you know they're douchebags? "THEY'RE ON THE SWIM TEAM, AREN'T THEY?!" Um, yes, but wh... "DEATH! DEATH TO THE DOUCHEBAGS ON THE SWIM TEAM!" I think Raoul has issues. In any event, the Leviathanically-enhanced duo makes quick work of the remaining members of the bevy, and we happily sail into this evening's first METAL TEETH CHOMP! astride a bursting spurt of bright-red arterial spray. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!"
Back from the break, the camera fades up on the façade of "Sioux Falls General Hospital" before ducking inside to one of the recovery suites, where it finds Sheriff Jody Mills listlessly listening to her mouthy roommate, who's deep in the middle of a paranoid, scare-mongering rant about medical malpractice when she's suddenly interrupted by the arrival of "Doctor Gaines," and long story short, Sheriff Jody's recovering from an emergency appendectomy, so she's going to be quite seriously whacked out on painkillers during the hijinks that are certain to rear their ugly heads at some point later this evening. "Did you know a study showed three-quarters of doctors cheat on their exams?" the mouthy roommate alleges the instant good Doctor Gaines has left the room. "He might not know your appendix from your vagina." Yeah, she'll definitely be dead before the commercial break. "Whee!"
Emporium. Dean returns from the outside world with an armload of groceries just in time to receive word via Sam, via the Internet of the recent dastardly goings-on in the Stockville High locker room. As Bobby's busy "running the hub," and as Sam himself is "5150'd," it falls to Dean to investigate this one on his own.
Stockville. We arrive to find that the bored little nightmare of a preadolescent horror sullenly propelling herself back and forth on a playground swing, and... "EEEEEEEP!" Sigh. Anyway, that nondescript middle-aged gent from earlier walks up and observes, "You got yourself an awfully small body." "Too small," the bored little nightmare of a preadolescent horror sulks. "She didn't know anything!" The nondescript middle-aged gent takes a seat on the swing over and exposits that his host, "Edgar," worked on a demolitions crew. "Watching things blow up is apparently very satisfying," Leviathan Edgar notes. I'll say. For her part, the bored little nightmare of a preadolescent horror reveals that "Annie" "knew where babies came from." "Disgusting," Leviathan Annie grimaces before announcing she's hungry. "We all are," she adds, finally turning to scowl at Levedgar. "'Levedgar'!?" I thought you were paralytic with fear, houseguest, and besides, you know what the hell I mean. "Yes, of course! But 'Levedgar'?!" Okay, fine: I'll keep typing "Leviathan" over and over and over again until I'm ready to throttle every last idiot responsible for this goddamned mess. Happy? "EEEEEEEP!" God, I really hate you sometimes, Raoul.
ANY-way, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah: Leviathan Annie announces that she and her as-yet-unspecified fellows are hungry. "Yes, about that..." Leviathan Edgar begins, the disapproval clear in the tone of his voice. Leviathan Annie turns her head away from him in a fit of pique and pouts, "I'm sorry!" "'Sorry'?" Leviathan Edgar chides. "They ate the swim team!" Hee. "For God's sake," Leviathan Edgar continues, annoyed, "it made the papers." He wants her to get control of the situation, and he wants her to get control of the situation now, thank you very much, because Leviathan Edgar doesn't like bringing "The Boss" bad news. Leviathan Annie suddenly remembers the lesson she learned from those funny little people who live in the television set, and she asks Leviathan Edgar for his help. DUN!
Sioux Falls General, and let the hijinks begin! "Hooray!" Doctor Gaines enters an examination room, where he finds Leviathan Annie waiting for him, and wow. She sure as hell got to South Dakota fast, didn't she? In any event, after a few preliminaries, Leviathan Annie snatches at the good doctor's wrist, clearly snapping a few of the bones as she does so, and as Doctor Gaines drops to his knees before her, gasping in agony, the camera discreetly circles behind a convenient curtain to capture the few moments in budget-friendly silhouette. Leviathan Annie's shadow slowly morphs up into Doctor Gaines form, and by the time the camera's passed to the curtain's other side, Leviathan Annie's transformation is complete. The good doctor's doppelganger bares its teeth and lunges, and before you know it, the convenient curtain's been doused with yet another bursting spurt of bright-red arterial spray. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Stockville High. Dean arrives at the locker room just in time to watch as a local forensics expert digs bits of brain matter out of the wall. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Dean tippy-toes through the blood-streaked mayhem out in the locker room proper until he finally reaches the showers, where he finds a stark smear of bitterly black demonic foulness marring the tiles. "Dammit!" Dean grunts.
Sioux Falls General. Sheriff Jody opens her whacked-out eyes in the middle of the night to find her doctor bent over her struggling roommate, whose struggles cease once the doc knocks her out with an anesthetic inhalant. Sheriff Jody wisely feigns sleep as the doc wheels the now-unconscious roommate out into the hall, but the minute they're gone, she's pushing herself up out of bed to investigate. Somewhat comically trailing her IV stand behind her, she edges out into the...
...DAMMIT. Why the hell did they cut back to the Emporium now? "It does seem most inopportune!" You got that right, lizard. "Thanks!" Anyway, we cut back to the Emporium, where Sam studiously avoids acknowledging Lucifer's presence in the kitchen as he answers a call from Dean, who confirms what we already know about the recent dastardly goings-on in the Stockville High locker room. As the two Leviathanically-enhanced swim team members were spotted gassing up their stolen getaway vehicle just south of the Dakota state line, Dean intends to return to the Emporium so they might track the suspects from there. "How you doin'?" Dean eventually asks. "Fine!" Sam LIES, and when the brothers hang up on each other, Lucifer makes with the witty remarks I'll not be bothering to transcribe because we really, really need to get back to...
...Sioux Falls General. Sheriff Jody trails her apparent doctor back to a ward that's been closed for renovations, and she peers through an OR window just in time to watch as her apparent doctor scarfs down her erstwhile roommate's liver! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Sheriff Jody stifles a shriek and, clutching at the wound in her abdomen, she barrels back out to the main hall, where the on-duty nurse loudly wonders what the hell she's doing out of bed. Sheriff Jody's eyes promptly roll back into her skull, and she collapses into this evening's METAL TEETH CHOMP!, momentarily dead to the world.
Sioux Falls General. Aftermath. Sheriff Jody wakes to find herself back in her bed with the on-duty nurse fussing over her. She's about to mention her late, unlamented roommate's absence when her apparent doctor strides in, delicately wiping his lips with a handkerchief. Sheriff Jody thinks fast and LIES about itchy stitches to explain her earlier foray into the hall, but it doesn't really matter because Doctor Leviathan clearly knows what's really going on and, after supervising as the nurse pumps Sheriff Jody full of sedatives, he promises, "Check on you later!" and exits with a fiendish grin on his face. The nurse follows, and as soon as they've vanished, Sheriff Jody flings back the covers, rips out her IV, grabs her purse, and heads for the exit, all the while muttering, "You can kiss my ass, Doctor Monsterface!" "Atta girl!" Unfortunately, the sedatives are already kicking in, and Sheriff Jody all but staggers to her knees long before she reaches the door. DUN!
Cut to The Emporium study, where we find Lucifer practicing his golf swing. Figures Satan would be into golf. Darling Sammy flounces in from the kitchen and huffs, "If this is some dream, and you've got power over it, why don't you just end it?" It's adorable. Lucifer of course replies that he's having far too much fun fucking with Sam to end it all now, and besides, if Sam really wants to be done with this whole ridiculous situation, he can always blow his own head off. "VIOLENCE!" Unfortunately, Bobby bumbles in before we can explore this intriguing option further, and they crack open some beers and settle down to chat at each other -- AGAIN, SOME MORE -- and right as Raoul and I are about to lapse into Comas Of Boredom, Lucifer materializes behind Bobby with a fireplace poker in his hand. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And as Bobby babbles on endlessly about family and trust and whatever, Satan rams that damn poker right through Bobby's chest! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" In a desperate and desperately funny attempt to maintain his composure, Darling Sammy does his level best to ignore the drippy bits of Bobby's guts that are now soiling the linoleum beneath their feet, and just as he's about to crack and run screaming from the room, the phone rings, shattering the hallucination.
"My surgeon is a monster!" Sheriff Jody pants the second Bobby answers. The camera's cut back over to the hospital, where the imperiled sheriff has slumped to the floor beside her bed. "He took my windbag roomie," Sheriff Jody breathlessly continues, "and he ate her liver!" "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "Please," she pleads, by now on the verge of unconsciousness thanks to all of the drugs flooding her system, "get your ass here to Sioux Falls General before he eats me!" Bobby has little choice but to leave Sam in The Emporium on his own, much to Lucifer's delight.
Meanwhile, back at the hospital, Leviathan Edgar approaches the admissions desk with the two Leviathanically-enhanced Stockville High swimmers and demands to see Doctor Leviathan, and this "Leviathan" shit is beyond annoying at this point, so I'm dropping it, now. "Okay!" Thanks for being so agreeable, Raoul. "No problem!" In any event, the admitting nurse starts giving him attitude about proper hospital intake procedures and such, but the good doctor bustles in to the waiting room and personally escorts Edgar and the swim boys back to...
...that temporarily shuttered ward, explaining the details of his masterful plan as they go. "This is where they bring their bodies to be fixed," the good doctor notes with a hint of wonder in his voice. "They consider it a safe place, but the truth is, often they actually die here instead -- and they never question it!" By now, the good doctor and his guests have arrived in that disused OR from earlier, where Sheriff Jody's nurse and the hospital's personnel administrator have been lashed to wheelchairs. "We can feed discreetly," the good doctor promises Edgar. "A few of us in the right positions," he adds, indicating the panicky yet oddly mute prisoners in the chairs, "and we can feast every single day." "Exactly what The Boss asked for," Edgar nods before turning to their silent companions and smiling, "You're off the swim team, boys -- time to pursue a career in medicine." And as the swim boys obediently approach the still-mute prisoners to assume their physical forms, Edgar reminds the good doctor to check in with The Boss at the earliest available opportunity before turning to leave. "You won't stay?" the good doctor wonders. "I would love to grab us a good anesthesiologist!" Heh. Alas, Edgar must go, as The Boss wants him to "check into some other business in the area." DUN! "By the way," Edgar thinks to ask, eyeing the soon-to-be-dead nurse and administrator, "why can't they scream?" "Oh, I severed their vocal cords," the good doctor breezily replies. "It was a delicate procedure, but very doable!" "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Cut to The Emporium, where Sam's field-stripping his weapon. Again. "He'll go blind!" I'm pretty sure that's a myth, Raoul. "Oh, thank Heavens!" Presently, the Impala grumbles up outside, and Sam rises to greet his brother, who blows in with news that The Leviathan invasion of Sioux Falls has begun. Dean insists they hoof it on over to Leviathan HQ, pronto, and although Sam raises a few feeble objections related to the current fragility of his delicate little brain, he eventually obeys, and the two head back out to the car.
Sioux Falls General. Bobby pours the still-woozy (and miraculously still-alive) Sheriff Jody into a cab and sneaks back into the hospital morgue to examine the corpse of her former roommate, "Madeline Hackett."
Metallicar. Our Intrepid Heroes chat at each other -- AGAIN, SOME MORE -- only this time around, something seems not quite right with Dean. Hmmmm. The Impala pulls up to a barn-like garage that looks an awful lot like the one in The Emporium's yard, and whaaaaaaa? Dean's alone in the car? And he disembarks to stroll into the actual Emporium's actual kitchen, bellowing for his brother? D'OH! I can't believe this goddamned show fooled me like that. "I feel a little silly myself!" We're idiots, Raoul. "We must be!" You see, while the real Dean was still out on the road, Darling Sammy hallucinated the return of a fake Dean, and now Darling Sammy and Fake Dean are pulling up to the corporate offices of "Morning Star Endeavors Ltd.," and barely has the company's name had a chance to register when the office building turns into a warehouse, and Fake Dean all but giggles, "You think I'm Dean? Riiiiight!" With that, Fake Dean morphs into Lucifer, and bravo, show. Well done. Darling Sammy, of course, freaks, and whips out a pistol to start wildly squeezing off rounds in every direction until Lucifer tells him to do us all a favor and point that frigging gun at his own goddamned head. "VIOLENCE!" Yes. Also: DUN!
Morgue. Bobby pokes around inside the late Ms. Hackett's torso and mutters disgustedly to himself, "It's like a frigging doggie bag in here." "Can I help you?" the just-arriving Doctor Gaines politely inquires. "You can maybe still help this hospital!" the quick-thinking Bobby barks, flashing a fake FBI badge as he hoists the late Ms. Hackett's paperwork into the air and demands, "Who's responsible for this bit of sloppy documentation?" "I know you," the good doctor realizes, advancing upon him. "We saw you," the good doctor smiles, "through the angel's eyes." Bobby snatches up a mallet and whacks the good doctor upside the head, sending the good doctor reeling. "VIOLENCE!" Unfortunately, the good doctor quickly recovers. "Rats!" Even more unfortunately, the good doctor unhinges his lower jaw to unleash a torrent of shitty, shitty CGI into the world. "Woe!" Yep, The Leviathans' true form apparently includes a mouthful of crappy computer-generated fangs encircling a crappy computer-generated snake's tongue, so Bobby has little choice but to blow a round of buckshot into the guy's chest in a desperate attempt to make it all go away. Fortunately, it works, and the good doctor shuts his embarrassing trap to concentrate on expelling Bobby's buckshot from the sucking, oozing hole he's now sporting on his torso. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Bobby, understanding exactly how grievously outclassed he is in this current battle, cuts his losses and flees.
Meanwhile, Real Dean's tracked Sam to the latter's current location, and he arrives at the warehouse just in time to kick-start some serious psychodrama between himself and the voices yammering away deep inside his batshit brother's insane head. And when Lucifer tosses off an especially snide remark from his side of the room, Crazy Sam frantically squeezes off a round that elicits this scene's one funny line: "This discussion does not require a weapons discharge!" Real Dean howls. Hee. Eventually, Our Intrepid Heroes settle down to chat at each other -- AGAIN, SOME MORE -- and just when I think Dean's going to save Sam through some Power Of Brotherly Love bullshit, he grabs Sam's sliced-up paw and jams his thumb into the wound. The searing shock of pain temporarily overrides Crazy Sam's ongoing hallucination, and Lucifer buzzes and blinks and flickers in and out before reforming to taunt at Crazy Sam some more. Crazy Sam realizes his brother's on to something, and he pulls back his sliced-up mitt to jam his own thumb into the wound, this time with such force that blood starts seeping out through the gauze. The Lucifer hallucination puts up a valiant fight, but it eventually flickers out for good. "Hmph!" pouts Raoul. "I liked him!" Not to worry, my faithful recapping companion -- I'm sure he'll be back. "Really?!" Really. "Hooray!"
And when that's all over with, Bobby rings Sam on the latter's cell from his speeding automobile to impart the following words of sheer panic: "I double-barreled one of 'em in the morgue! Silver buckshot! No effect! We're screeeeeeeewed!" Okay, so maybe I made that last bit up. Bobby promises to meet them back at The Emporium so they can all piss their pants together, so Our Intrepid Heroes hop into the Impala and zip back to The Emporium, but what's this? "Oh, no!" Dean breathes as they pull into the yard, and Dean can say that again, because at some point during the last five minutes, someone firebombed The Emporium all the way to hell and back. "Eeek!" shrieks Raoul, a distressed yet elegantly manicured paw clutching at his nonexistent pearls. And as if to underscore the enormity of this shocking -- shocking! -- development, Our Intrepid Heroes vanish into this evening's final commercial break most solemnly CHOMP!-less.
Emporium. Aftermath. Dean emerges from The Emporium's charred ruins to toss a still-smoldering volume of irreplaceable lore at Sam's feet. "Any sign of him?" Sam frets. Dean doesn't even bother to answer, and the two trudge off to the car lot to continue their frantic search with Dean positively simmering with rage. "That place was torched," he seethes. "Somebody knew what they were doing." He directs Sam off-camera somewhere and, once his brother's out of earshot, whips out his cell to dial Bobby's private voice mail. "You cannot be in that crater back there!" Dean rants into his phone. "If you're gone," he continues, "I swear I am going to strap my Beautiful Mind brother into the car, and I'm gonna drive us off the pier!" "You asked me how I was doing?" he asks, referencing an earlier conversation I didn't bother to transcribe. "Well, not good!" "You said you'd be here!" Dean protests, practically tearing up thanks to the near-overwhelming amounts of anxiety and dread now pummeling his head. "Where are you?" Of course, Bobby's voice mail has no answer for that one, so Dean eventually shuts his cell and -- after taking a quick second to compose himself -- trots over towards the sound of Sam's voice, which hasn't stopped shouting "Bobby!" this entire time.
And by the time the camera catches up with Sam, he's just turning a corner of the lot to find...Edgar, lurking in the shadows at the far end of the path! DUN! "Congratulations," Edgar mildly opens. "Apparently, you two are competent enough to warrant annihilating." As Edgar slowly begins to approach Sam, he adds quite sincerely, "I'd take it as a compliment." And then?
BAM! Dean pops up from out of nowhere to fire a sawed-off shotgun point-blank into Edgar's ear, and the force of the blast sends Edgar keeling over to one side. "VIOLENCE!" howls Raoul, and great is the lizardly hooting and hollering at Chez Demian for the remainder of this sequence, because from here on out it's just one great, big slab of awesome piled on top of another. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Of course, because Edgar's a Leviathan, and because Leviathans are unkillable until this show suddenly decides they're not, Edgar quickly rights himself and turns to glare at Dean. Uh oh. There's a brief flash of that shitty, shitty CGI, and then Edgar lifts Dean into the air and flings him halfway across the yard. Something audibly snaps when Dean smashes into a windshield and goes crashing to the ground, and when we catch a glimpse of his right leg, it looks like he's shattered his shin so badly that shards of bone are now poking out of his jeans. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Meanwhile, Darling Sammy bravely stomps up to Edgar to deck The Leviathan square in the jaw, and as Edgar takes a moment to recover from the blow, Sam whips his head back to make note of the terribly convenient junker dangling from a perfectly positioned crane far above their heads. Coincidentally enough, Edgar threw Dean practically on top of the crane's remote release mechanism, so Dean handily grabs the box and jams his finger down on the appropriate button. Unfortunately for Sam, however, Edgar has just enough time to bash in his skull with a tire iron, but as The Ginormotron topples over into the dirt, the junker lands directly on Edgar's unnatural head with an immensely satisfying crunch. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And when that intense bout of awesomeness has passed, bitterly black demonic foulness spills out from beneath the wrecked car as Dean crawls over to unconscious Sam's side. "Come on!" Dean grunts, ineffectually shaking Sam's limp body by one of its remarkably healthy shoulders. "I'm the one with the broken leg -- you gotta carry me!" Alas, Sam does not respond, so Dean has little choice but to dial 911, which I don't think he's ever done on this show before.
Seconds later, Our Intrepid Heroes have been loaded into the back of an ambulance, each strapped to his own stretcher, and as Dean urges a barely conscious Sam to keep it together, woozy Sammy flops his head around until a merrily grinning Lucifer comes into focus back by the doors. "Hooray!" I told you he'd be back. Sam's not nearly as happy to see Satan as Raoul and I are, however, and the enormous oaf chooses to express his displeasure by petulantly hurling himself into a grand-mal seizure. The EMT tasked with their care radios this snippety change in Sam's condition over to the ER, and confirms they'll be arriving at Sioux Falls shortly. DUN! "Sioux Falls?" Dean repeats, frantic. "No, no, no!" he babbles, eliciting a really funny side-eye from the EMT. "You gotta take us somewhere else!" Dean desperately pleads. "Anywhere! Please!" The EMT's all, "Whatever, dicksmack," and Dean flops back against his stretcher, spent.
Meanwhile, back at The Emporium, that puddle of bitterly black demonic foulness reverses direction and seeps back beneath the car as the fingers on Edgar's visible hand twitch. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
That ended up being pretty exciting, didn't it? "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Aw. It does my heart good to see you so pleased for a change. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Would you care to handle week's promo, or should I? "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" No problem.
week, Our Intrepid Heroes check into Sioux Falls General. Beyond that, I know nothing, because that promo was utterly worthless. See you then!
Demian sort of can't wait to see how they get themselves out of this mess, and that terrifies him. Raoul is still shrieking from all of the awesome. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" You may reach the former at demian_twop@yahoo.com. The latter is an imaginary gay dragon on the Internet.