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The episode opens with a rather abrupt conclusion to last week's supposed cliffhanger -- long story short, Darling Sammy's totally fine, even though his episode-ending Hell-infused seizure seemed to last for about a week from his perspective -- and then we're off to Paterson, New Jersey, where a community college anatomy dummy decided to come to life one evening and off the night janitor with a scalpel to the neck. Of course, Our Intrepid Heroes initially have no idea that the dummy did it, so we must first follow along as Dashing El Deano sniffs out sulphur while Darling Sammy makes his trusty EMF reader go "VWEE-YORP!" for a bit until another hapless wage slave gets himself slaughtered by a mannequin in a nearby Passaic sweatshop. This time around, the boys are quick to realize that something's possessing inanimate objects to exact some sort of revenge, and after they discover that both victims worked at the sweatshop the same time a shy and socially awkward colleague went missing a year ago, they're pretty sure they're dealing with an old-fashioned haunting.
Sam masquerades as an FBI agent to extract a confession of sorts from yet another of the missing woman's former colleagues, and it turns out he and a bunch of his ratbag friends -- including the two guys who are now dead -- played a prank on the poor gal that accidentally resulted in her untimely demise. Afraid they'd end up in jail if they reported the incident to the police, the ratbags instead buried the woman's corpse in the woods, and Sam thinks he's solved the case when he salts and burns the woman's remains. Unfortunately, when his informant ends up strangled by a Real Doll, Sam's forced to hunt down anything the dead woman left behind, and is utterly confounded when he learns she donated a kidney to her sister. Our Intrepid Heroes bang their heads together in an attempt to reason their way through the rather unique moral conundrum this haunted kidney represents, but in the end, the issue ends up resolving itself when the ghost inadvertently impales her sister on a shard of glass after running the possessed Impala through a plate-glass window. Whoops.
In other news, Dreary El Deano stops by Indiana to visit Bendy Lisa and The Brat, and as I quite seriously do not remember one single word of the many, many conversations they had with each other over the course of the episode, we'll all have to wait for the recap proper to find out what they said. I'm pretty sure she dumped him again, though. Oh, well.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Rattle, Rattle Tacky Blue Glitter THEN! Once upon a time, there lived a magical orange yoga instructor named Bendy Lisa, who made her home in the faraway land of... wait a minute. Bendy Lisa? They're reminding us of Bendy Lisa? I thought she dumped Dean's emotionally abusive yet still-tantalizing ass, like, eight months ago, or something -- why are they bringing her back now? "Perhaps!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, who has an idea. "They intend to slaughter the unusually limber little creature this evening, hmmm?!" Oooh, good guess, Raoul. "Thanks!" But I'm afraid we've gotten horribly sidetracked already, and we're not even five seconds into tonight's episode. "Oh, my!" Oh, my, indeed. "Should we try starting this again!?" I'm game if you are. "Perfect!" Okay.
Rattle, Rattle Tacky Blue Glitter THEN! Once upon a time, there lived a magical orange yoga instructor named Bendy Lisa, who made her home in the faraway land of Wherever The Hell Bendy Lisa Happens To Be At This Very Moment. As you'll no doubt recall, Bendy Lisa spent the better part of a year lovingly tending to Dreary El Deano's many psychic wounds in exchange for some high-quality cuddle time with Our Intrepid Hero until his abusive ass decided to smack her wee bastard of a son around one night, at which point she told him to hit the road. "And good for her!" shrieks Raoul. In other news, Capital-D Death shoved Slutty Sam's Hell-flayed soul back into his remarkably healthy frame while at the same time erecting what proved to be an especially shoddy wall between that soul and Darling Sammy's brain, or something like that, and when last we saw him, Darling Sammy had collapsed to the floor of an abandoned hovel, flailing about in the throes of a grand mal seizure as Death's shoddy wall collapsed to unleash all of the nasty memories it was meant to hold back. Whoops.
Rattle, Rattle Tacky Blue Glitter NOW! As the NOW! slowly melts away on the screen, Dreary El Deano can be heard crying out in the darkness. "Sam?" he quavers, tears in his voice. "Sam?" Wimp. The camera gradually fades up to find Dean hovering above Sam's unconscious form over in Last Week's Hovel. The good news? Sam's seizures seem to have passed. The bad news? Sam seems to be dead. "Woe!" Fret not, friend of friends, for Darling Sammy is only mostly dead, evidently. "Whew!" Yep, Dean wrestles his mostly dead brother up by the latter's lapels, screams directly into his face for a couple of minutes, and that's all it takes for Darling Sammy's eyes to snap open. A tiny bit of hellfire flickers across Sam's pupils as he loudly draws in a great, big, gulping gasp of air, so that's probably not a good sign, but other than that, The Ginormotron seems to be okay. "We gotta get you the hell outta here!" Dean growls, and with that, he hauls Sam to his feet and drags him out of the frame.
The shot cross-fades to whisk us over to the nighttime façade of a building the just-arriving location card identifies as the "Great Falls Junior College." Deep within the bowels of one of the building's science labs, a tubby schlub of a janitor wheels his cart through a maze of dissecting tables under the seemingly unseeing eyes of a rather gruesome-looking anatomy dummy. The janitor slaps a wet mop down on the floor and starts sweeping it from side to side, unaware that the glass eyes of that gruesome-looking anatomy dummy are slowly swiveling around in their sockets to stare at him. DUN! The janitor pauses for a moment, pivoting to toss an uneasy glance over his shoulder, but as nothing seems amiss, he soon refocuses his attention on the task at hand. Unfortunately for our unobservant and soon-to-be-dead acquaintance, he completely failed to notice that the gruesome-looking anatomy dummy has disappeared. Dun-dun-DUN! And as the janitor leans forward to scour away at a particularly stubborn stain, three tiny beads of blood spatter down against the linoleum at his feet. "Whee!" Oh, it gets better, my scaly friend. "Hooray!" For when the camera returns to the janitor's face, we can see a lurid, oozing gash spread across the gent's forehead, apparently of its own accord. "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" The blood begins to flow a bit more freely, dribbling down to obscure his brow, and when the janitor finally thinks to mutter, "What the hell?" the words stream forth from his mouth on a cloud of vapor, because the temperature's just dropped about forty degrees. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The overhead fluorescents decide to join in on all the fun at this point, buzzing and blinking and flickering on and off until they finally cut out for good. The imperiled janitor, with half his face now coated in blood, hyperventilates and whips his entire body around when a sharp crashing noise erupts at the far end of the room. A tray of scalpels has tipped over onto the floor, and the imperiled janitor takes this as his cue to flee, flinging his mop to one side as he takes off through the dissecting tables, only to find himself running smack into... the now-animate gruesome-looking anatomy dummy! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The camera discreetly cuts away to examine a nearby whiteboard as the janitor howls and wails and squalls and yelps until -- wait for it -- SPLAT! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" A fresh gout of arterial spray paints a good portion of the whiteboard red, and by the time the camera returns to our unfortunate tubby friend, it finds the now-dead janitor sprawled on his back amid an ever-expanding pool of his own blood, a scalpel driven straight into the center of his neck.
Tinkle, Tinkle RAAAWWWR! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I take it we're enjoying ourselves thus far this evening? "We are indeed!" Excellent. Should I continue, then, or do you have anything else to add at this juncture? "Nothing at all! Please go on!" No problem.
The following morning finds Darling Sammy loitering against the Impala in an overcast parking lot somewhere loud, rubbing at his aching brain while Dreary El Deano fetches some Danish and a couple of coffees for them at a nearby "pasteries" cart. "How you feel?" Dean asks the instant he's returned to Sam's side. "Like I got hit by a planet," Sam sighs before wondering, "So, how long was I out, again?" "Two or three minutes," Dean replies, furrows of concern creasing his forehead. "Why, what'd it feel like to you?" "About a week," Sam admits, looking pained, "give or take." The two perch on Metallicar's hood, with Dean offering his brother a friendly ear should Sam wish to chat about what just happened to him, but Sam of course declines, insisting he's fine, so they naturally launch themselves into a two-minute-long debate regarding the stupidity of Sam's decision to remain in Bristol even after the town and its inhabitants started triggering black-and-white flashbacks in that poor little mangled mind of his. It's as tedious as that description makes it sound, though Dean does manage to get in a good line or two here and there, especially when Sam whines as follows with respect to his now-obscured Slutty past: "So, I'm just supposed to ignore it? I might have done who knows what, and you want me to just forget about it?" "You shove it down," Dean replies without hesitation, "and you let it come out in spurts of violence and alcoholism!" "Atta girl!" Raoul rather predictably shrieks, for as we all know, the dear dizzy lizard is quite the avid fan of both the brutality and the booze. "It's true! [Slurp!] Hee!"
In any event, once this evening's first round of angsting is done, Dean decides to lighten the mood by whipping out a newspaper to discuss their possible case. "Janitor murdered in a college lab last night," he reads. "Doors were lo
cked, no one else in or out of the building." "Great," Sam shrugs. "Where to?" "Paterson, New Jersey," Dean announces. And then, after thinking about it for a second, he smiles, "Hey, maybe we'll have a Snooki sighting!" "What's a Snooki?" Sam asks. Lucky boy.
The Great Falls Junior College For Violently Dismembered Custodial Staff. Our Intrepid Heroes, yet again masquerading as FBI agents, enter last night's crime scene, and Dreary El Deano immediately makes a beeline for the gruesome-looking anatomy dummy from the pre-credits sequence, which is now back in its proper place on its stand. "Check it out!" Dean practically giggles, stripping various plastic organs from the thing's chest cavity. "These things are friggin' awesome!" Darling Sammy remains supremely unimpressed, especially when Dean repeats the same Valentine's joke he made last year, but that's not really important right now, because the camera's allowed the boys to dissolve into a blurry haze in the foreground of the shot as it tracks in to focus on the gruesome-looking dummy's blank, bulging eyes. Vaguely creepy, that, but unfortunately, nothing comes of it, for the gruesome-looking dummy does not, in fact, reach out to snatch back its much-abused innards from Dean's hands. "Rats!" Your disappointment is mine, my scaly friend.
Instead, we must watch as Dean sniffs at the air and asks, "Do you smell sulphur?" "We're in a science lab," Sam duhs. Dean blinks just as his cell phone starts bleeping. To absolutely no one's surprise, the call's coming in from Bendy Lisa's latest tastefully appointed manse in western Michigan. Also to absolutely no one's surprise, Dean lets the call fall into voice mail. The boys banter about Dean's nonexistent relationship with the lissome lass for a bit until Sam whips out his trusty EMF reader, which immediately goes, "VWEEE-YORP!" "Something's up in here," Dean realizes. While shooting a supremely hairy side-eye at the gruesome-looking dummy, Sam agrees with that assessment, but adds, "The question is what." Fortunately, Dean spots the lab's closed-circuit security camera blinking at them from high up on the wall, so Our Intrepid Heroes quickly retire to...
...the campus security lounge, where they plow through the relevant tapes until they land on an image of the tubby schlub mere moments before he was slaughtered. Unfortunately, the image disintegrates into televisual snow just before the attack begins, and by the time it resolves itself, the janitor's already dead.
Sometime later, Dean sits in the Impala, ignoring yet another call from Bendy Lisa as Sam emerges from a nearby brownstone to climb in beside him. Sam'd been interviewing the dead janitor's significant other, you see, but the lady in question had little to offer aside from assurances that her late lamented was a fine, upstanding member of the Paterson community. Oh, and "he rubbed her feet during Glee." "Kinky!" Quiet, Raoul -- I'm trying to hurry us along to the murder. "Ooops! Okay!" In any event, as the hapless janitor's record is "spotless," and as the science building itself has nothing in its past to indicate a propensity for paranormal activity, the boys are at a loss to explain the evening's events. With their investigation thus at an impasse, Sam and Dean sigh and mope, respectively, until the camera jumps forward in time to land on...
...the nighttime exterior of a nearby warehouse district. It passes inside one of the buildings to linger on a laundry cart stuffed to overflowing with disassembled mannequin parts before leaping across the room to follow along as a diminutive watchman makes his evening rounds. The wee gent sweeps his flashlight beam across several silent sewing machines and cutting tables, for we've apparently found ourselves in an old-fashioned sweatshop for this portion of tonight's festivities, and when he's done looking around, the tiny security guard turns to leave. Just then, a squeaky ruckus erupts from an especially dim corner of the workroom floor, and the now-imperiled gnome calls out, "Hello? Who's there?" "Johnny?" he grins, obviously thinking he's fallen prey to some coworker's prank, but when he turns to train his flashlight on another corner of the room, he finds himself spinning straight into the arms of... a featureless white mannequin! DUN! "Very funny!" the startled gnome calls out, but when he does so, the words stream forth from his mouth on a cloud of vapor, because the temperature's just dropped about forty degrees. DUN! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And barely has Raoul's anticipatory shriek of joy begun when the gnome reaches up to find a lurid, oozing gash spreading rapidly across his forehead, apparently of its own accord. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "What the hell?" whispers the gnome, staring up at the mannequin's blank face as blood dribbles from that fresh gash of his down to obscure his brow, and when he turns once again to head off in the opposite direction, he finds himself spinning straight into the arms of... yet another featureless white mannequin! Dun-dun-DUN! The second mannequin immediately hoists one of its arms into the air, and what low light there is in the sweatshop now glints off the blades of the scissors it holds in its hand. The mightily imperiled and soon-to-be-dead gnome staggers backwards in terror, in the process tripping himself up on various mannequin bits now conveniently littering the workroom floor, and he topples over backwards to sprawl on the concrete just as the first mannequin hoists a sharpened garment-rack pole over its head. "VIOLENCE!" The gnome's eyes widen in horror as the mannequin drives the pole down into his chest, and the force of the impact propels a mighty spurt of blood from the doomed little troll's lips. "VIOLENCE! WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT DWARF-POKING VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!"
The unfortunate watchman splutters and gurgles for a bit before he finally drops back for good, dead. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And then the bozos responsible for this mess waste a full twenty seconds of airtime s-l-o-w-l-y dragging the camera away from the hapless gnome's corpse into this evening's first CHOMP!-less commercial break. Way to kill the tension, guys. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Well, at least Raoul doesn't seem to care. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" That's something, I suppose.
The morning, Our Intrepid Heroes arrive at the sweatshop in time to watch as the boys from the local coroner's office zip the dead gnome into an especially bitty little body bag. Sam and Dean then take off in different directions to investigate the premises, with Sam surreptitiously extracting his trusty EMF reader from his jacket pocket to futz around with the thing on one side of the room while Dean chills out in a corner, staring up gape-mouthed at the overhead fluorescents like he's an especially slow six-year-old. Eventually, Sam's trusty EMF reader goes "VWEEE-YORP!" to a pile of mannequin parts, and Sam excitedly calls Dean over for a consult, during which they eventually reach the conclusion that an especially nasty ghost has been possessing inanimate objects in order to eviscerate the working-class population of northern New Jersey. Just go with it. And don't stop to wonder how a ghost can force a chunk of injection-molded thermoplastic to grip a pair of scissors without the whole damn thing shattering into a thousand tiny pieces, either, because you'll just make your brain hurt, and who wants that, huh? "No one!" Exactly, Raoul. "[Slurp!]"
Anyway, there's one problem with their current theory of the crime: Ghosts aren't particularly known for venue hopping. "This one hits up a college," Dean points out, "and now a factory, what, three towns over?" "Doesn't add up," Sam agrees, but as they have no other options at the moment, it's off to...
...the sweatshop's personnel office, where a quick review of the gnome's employment records proves especially disappointing. "I can't find a speck of dirt on him!" Dean grumps. Sam, however, has spent the last several minutes deploying his mad Googling skillz, and has landed on a possible lead: An article from Th
e Passaic Observer dated last year detailing the disappearance of one Rose Brown, a sweatshop seamstress who vanished one Friday evening on her way home from work. "Survived by sister Isabel," Sam reads, popping a significant eyebrow in Dean's direction, and the boys quickly agree to drop in on Rose Brown's grieving sibling for a chat. Unfortunately, Dean's cell phone bleats again, and it's Bendy Lisa -- again -- only this time, Sam insists Dean answer.
"Finally!" peeves Bendy Lisa's increasingly large bastard of a son the instant Dean picks up. "I've been calling!" he complains, sounding a little frantic, for something dire's apparently afflicting his unusually flexible mother. She won't speak to him, she refuses to come to the phone, she often refuses even to leave her locked bedroom -- could Dreary El Deano drop everything and motor on over to Michigan right away? Turns out he can, especially after Darling Sammy basically throws him into the Impala with firm orders not to return to New Jersey until he's settled things out in the Midwest. Because things always work out so well for them when they split up in the middle of a case. Idiots.
Once Dean's out on the road, Sam proceeds with his earlier plan to drop in on Rose Brown's grieving sibling for a chat, and what this meek and mousy Isabel person has to say isn't terribly revealing, though at one point she does sigh and admit, "She did more for me than anybody else ever could." Pay attention to that line, for I do believe it becomes important later. "Really?!" Well, actually, I haven't a clue -- I'm just trying to keep your interest going, because this episode has started to drag. "Rats!" Indeed. In any event, mousy Isabel passes Sam a scrapbook for his perusal, and he quickly happens upon a photo of the sisters in happier days at the sweatshop's Christmas party. Isabel, you see, works there, too. "Everybody," as she puts it, "works at the factory," and with that, it becomes clear that no one responsible for this evening's installment has ever been to Paterson, New Jersey, in their lives. Nevertheless, the photo does provide one significant clue: Both the tubby schlub of a janitor and the wee tiny gnome of a security guard worked in the factory at the same time Rose Brown disappeared, so Sam heads back to the sweatshop for a...
...MONTAGE! I do so love a good montage. Darling Sammy diligently interviews each and every single one of Rose Brown's former colleagues until he finally ends up chatting with a revolting mank of a ratbag who seems particularly averse to the entire concept of bathing. The ratbag, of course, is incredibly sketchy, twitching his way through responses to even the most mundane of Darling Sammy's questions, so naturally, Our Intrepid Hero's suspicions are aroused. "I do hope that's the only part of the dear lad that's aroused!" Raoul saucily interjects. "That creature he's speaking with is positively disgusting!" You're not lying, hon. In any event, Sam eventually realizes he's getting nowhere with the ratbag and draws the interview to a frosty close by prissily passing the ratbag his card. !
Bendy Estates, Michigan Division. And I can't for the life of me remember when she moved there from Indiana, but whatever. Dean rings the doorbell, and Bendy Lisa answers with a broad smile on her face that dies a quick and grisly death the instant she sees who's actually lounging around on her front porch. "What are you doing here?" she scowls. Hee. "We've been Parent Trapped," Dean realizes with a groan, going on to describe Ben's series of increasingly frantic phone calls for Bendy Lisa's benefit. That something dire apparently afflicting Ben's unusually flexible mother? A date. You know, with a man. A doctor, in fact, as we learn after Bendy Lisa reluctantly invites Dean in for a beer, said invitation accompanied by much vigorous rolling of her eyes, and I'm sorry, but I stopped caring about this storyline about halfway through the season premiere, so you'll have to forgive me while I skip through the lengthy and boring conversation that follows in what I'm sure will be a futile attempt to extract something of relevance from all of their utterly unnecessary yammering. "Skip away!" Thanks, Raoul. "No problem! [Slurp!]" Long story short, Bendy Lisa is D-U-N done with him. Does that cover it? "I think it does!' Excellent. !
Sweatshop Of The Damned. Johnny The Ratbag paces the otherwise deserted factory floor in the middle of the night, ranting through his cell phone at someone we can't hear and will never meet. And why, exactly, is the ratbag flipping out? Let's listen in for his explanation, shall we? "Because of the Feds!" Ratbag Johnny screeches. "Because Dave and Steve are frigging dead!" Those reasons work for me. How about you, Raoul? "[Slurp!]" I'll take that as a yes. Ratbag Johnny eventually yells that the mysterious stranger on the other end of the line should just call him back, or something, and barely has the wretch angrily snapped shut his cell when three tiny beads of blood spatter down against the phone's screen in his hand. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ratbag Johnny reaches up to find a lurid, oozing gash spreading rapidly across his forehead, apparently of its own accord, and he promptly freaks his vermin-infested self straight into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!
Sweatshop Of The Damned. During the break, Ratbag Johnny's breath began streaming from his mouth in a cloud of vapor, because the temperature dropped about forty degrees. He spins around to find himself staring at a featureless white mannequin, and Raoul and I lead forward in our chairs in delighted anticipation of Ratbag Johnny's long-overdue demise when... Darling Sammy pops up from out of nowhere to save the day? "Fie!" shrieks Raoul, understandably feeling more than just a little thwarted. "A pox!" Now, really, Raoul, it's not like.... "A POX, I SAY! A pox on Sam Winchester and the Jared Padalecki he rode in on!" Are you done? "Yes, I am, actually!" Good, because I think I'm over this episode, and I'd really like to get through the rest of it as quickly as possible. "[Slurp!]" Wonderful.
So, Darling Sammy pops up from out of nowhere to save the day, and he hustles Ratbag Johnny into the nearby employee lunch room, where he immediately sets to salting all of the windows and doors. "What's going on?" Ratbag Johnny demands, dabbing at the lurid and still-oozing gash on his forehead with a handy tea towel. "That was a ghost," Darling Sammy sneers, "trying to kill you for being a dick!" Ratbag Johnny makes with the familiar "That's crazy talk!" noises we've heard from scores of other would-be victims in similar situations on this show, only this time around, Our Intrepid Hero has absolutely no patience for any of it, and he snaps that Ratbag Johnny will end up as dead as his friends if he doesn't tell Sam what happened to Rose, now. After a few very long moments during which Ratbag Johnny repeatedly licks his lips while Darling Sammy glowers at him, Ratbag Johnny finally protests, "It was just a stupid joke!" "What did you do?" Sam exasperatedly sighs, taking a seat at the lunch room's table for the lengthy monologue from Ratbag Johnny that's sure to follow. "We made Rose think she had a secret admirer," Ratbag Johnny admits, and with that, it's time for a...
...FLASHBACK! Shy Rose, looking almost Amish in this initial shot, opens her sweatshop locker and smiles when she finds a single red rose lying atop her possessions. As she gently picks it up to press the bloom against her nose, the camera slides over to a nearby table, where the gnome titters to himself at the sight of Rose going all pie-eyed over a flower until the tubby schlub whacks him on the arm. "I don't think the girl had ever been asked out in her life," Ratbag Johnny reveals during a momentary hop back to the present before we leap once more into the past to watch as Rose finds a box of chocolates waiting for her in the break room. "Honestly?" Ratbag Johnny continues in voiceover as Rose opens the box to find a card. "We just thought she was kind of pathetic." The camera's switched over for a Rose P.O.V. of the card, which reads, "Meet me XO Apartment B 426 Maple Ave." "We knew she'd take the bait," Ratbag Johnny's voiceover states.
Sure enough, when we see her, Flashback Rose is making her way down a dimly lit hallway, dressed rather prettily in something soft and floral, with her hair hanging down loose around her shoulders. "She was so excited," Ratbag Johnny's voiceover narrates as Rose eases open the door to Apartment B, "poor girl never saw it coming." Flashback Rose approaches the apartment's dining area to place her hand on the shoulder of the gentleman now seated at the table. Of course, the gentleman is actually a carefully done-up mannequin from the factory, and at Rose's touch, the thing immediately slides off its chair to break apart on the floor. Flashback Ratbag and his merry band of asshats immediately emerge from their hiding place in the apartment's bathroom to point and laugh at the hapless and humiliated seamstress, who angrily tells them all to go to hell before dashing towards the door. Unfortunately, she trips on the carpet and slams head-first into a coffee table, the impact opening up a terribly familiar-looking gash on her forehead, and by the time Flashback Ratbag and his merry band of asshats make it over to her side, sad Rose is dead. "We didn't mean for it to happen," Ratbag Johnny's voiceover insists, and indeed, the evidence as presented does support his claim, but what happens could probably be seen as unforgivable. Flashback Ratbag makes to call the police, but Flashback Schlub bats the phone out of his hands, insisting that the cops'll charge them all with involuntary manslaughter, so Flashback Ratbag and his merry band of asshats bury Sad Rose's sad remains out in the woods.
"I wish I could take it all back," Ratbag Johnny swears once we've returned to the present, but Darling Sammy has absolutely no sympathy for the guy, and after he verbally bitchslaps The Ratbag for a minute or two, Our Intrepid Hero finally takes off to desecrate Sad Rose's sad remains.
Meanwhile, over in Michigan, Dreary El Deano enters Ben Braeden's bedroom to find Bendy Lisa's increasingly large bastard of a son absorbed in a video game of some sort on his iPhone. Dean peers over the kid's shoulder and scoffs, "That's ridiculous -- plants could never kill a zombie." And now that we're past the only moderately amusing bit of this entire scene, allow me to skip through yet another round of endless yammering to get to the point of the tedious conversation that follows: Ben pleads with Dean to move back in, but Dean rightly fears his influence will screw Ben up for life, and he refuses. !
Back in New Jersey, Sam's managed to dig up Sad Rose's sad remains, which he now douses with lighter fluid. He lights a match and stares at its flame for a very lengthy moment for some reason, then sets fire to Rose Brown's salted bones, after which he phones Ratbag Johnny to bark, "It's over." "You're safe," Sam continues, "but Johnny? Look at this as a new beginning -- a lot of chances not to be a jackass." Sam snaps shut his phone and gazes down at the burning grave until the camera jumps back over to find...
...Dean tooling his way through the night in the Impala, and oh, my holy God, this is just fucking ridiculous. Dean's grim expression hurls us all into a montage wherein...Bendy Lisa opens a door! And then...Bendy Lisa opens another door! And then Bendy Lisa opens another door, again! And then Bendy Lisa opens another door, again, some more! All of this antic door-opening feeds into a series of flashback images of Dreary El Deano and Bendy Lisa in happier times, and I guess we're all supposed to be misting up over Dean's lost opportunities, or some such bullshit, but as I believe I noted before, I stopped caring about this storyline about halfway through the season premiere, so fuck it. "You mean they're not going to slaughter the unusually limber little creature this evening?!" Doesn't look that way, Raoul. "Why, those heartless fiends!" I couldn't agree with you more, my scaly friend, but if you'll excuse me, I'd rather not dwell on it at the moment, because there are still nine godforsaken minutes left in this surprisingly dull episode, and I'd really like to get through them, like, yesterday, okay? "Okay! [Slurp!]" Damn, that cocktail of yours looks good. "Shall I fetch you one of your very own!?" That sounds like an excellent idea. "Hooray!"
And as Raoul toddles off towards his den to whip me up a batch of something soothing, the camera cross-fades back to Paterson, where it quite coincidentally finds Mousy Isabel just now entering a homey little pub to indulge in a few smart cocktails herself. "Atta girl!" shrieks Raoul from his den. In any event, moments after Mousy Isabel enters the bar, Ratbag Johnny pulls up to the curb in his pickup, from which he emerges to skulk over to the door leading towards the bar's upstairs apartments. And as Nazareth's "Love Hurts" kicks in on the jukebox downstairs, Ratbag Johnny slouches his way into his absolutely filthy flat and crosses to the bed. "Jenny?" he begins, addressing the bed's occupant. "Hon, we're leaving, tonight, so pack up -- just the essentials." Ratbag Johnny pauses, getting a little choked up, and as he reaches out to touch Jenny's hand, the camera flips around to reveal he's been talking to a RealDoll, and wow. Even the Wikipedia entry for RealDolls is too disgusting to link to. Go figure.
Anyway, we can all see where this is going, right? Ratbag Johnny coos a few sweet nothings into the oversized sex toy's silicone ear for a bit until the thing...magically swings its head around to stare at him, seemingly of its own accord! I'm not even giving that one a DUN! Ratbag Johnny's eyes widen with horror just as the Nazareth amps up in volume to escort us into the CHOMP!-less commercial break.
Lair Of The Ratbag. Aftermath. Johnny lies on the floor, dead, strangled by the pink satin sash from his oversized sex toy's robe. Sam appears, takes one look at "Jenny" sitting on The Ratbag's tatty sofa, and immediately phones Dean's voice mail to leave the following message: "It's not over -- burning the remains didn't stop her, so she must be hooked to something else." He announces his intention to head back to Mousy Isabel's for another round of questioning, and with that, we're off to...
...Mousy Isabel's, for another round of questioning. Sam digs through the small box that contains all that's left of Sad Rose's earthly goods, and things seem to be going nowhere fast until Sam spots a couple of textbooks lying on the nearby table. "Those yours?" he asks, hiking a thumb in their direction. They are, indeed, as Mousy Isabel is in fact pursuing a degree at The Great Falls Junior College For Violently Dismembered Custodial Staff. Dun-dun-DUN! Sam quickly confirms Mousy Isabel's presence in the lab, the factory, and the bar this week, and explains that Mousy Isabel must be wearing something of her sister's, which would of course account not only for the ghost's ability to travel from place to place, but also for its apparent continued existence despite Sam's best efforts to desecrate its grave the evening. Mousy Isabel thinks for a moment, then realizes, "The only thing I have of hers is a part of me -- when I was sixteen, she gave me one of her kidneys." D'OH!
That evening, Dean wheels the rain-streaked Impala into an abandoned parking lot somewhere remote and disembarks to greet Sam, who's brought Mousy Isabel along for the processing summit that follows. "That the girl with the haunted kidney?" Dean asks, peering at her through the windshield of Sam's rental before marveling, "Just when you think you've seen it all." "Whaddya wanna do?" he asks, understanding that they "can't exactly burn the thing, 'cause she kinda needs it." "Well," Sam points out, "she can't just walk around with it." "The spirit's attached," he reminds us all, "and it's gonna use her to get close to anyone it wants revenge on." So, you know, he's implying that the ghost of Rose Brown won't be satisfied just slaughtering her final tormenters, but instead will likely go after everyone who ever slighted her at any point during her life. Interesting little conundrum they're facing here, isn't it? Shame about the sucky way they end up resolving it.
As they mull over their options -- which include black-market replacement kidneys and hoodoo -- Mousy Isabel emerges from the rental to wonder what gives, and it's at this point that Ghastly Rose makes the leap into Metallicar, assuming control of the Impala much like Constance Welch did way back during the pilot. Ghastly Rose guns the engine and takes off after Dean, who leads it in circles around the lot for a very long while until he somehow manages to get it to smash through the plate-glass window of a defunct gas station. Our Intrepid Heroes, of course, emerge from the entire ludicrous experience unscathed, but alas! A large, jagged shard of glass has magically embedded itself in Mousy Isabel's abdomen, and she promptly keels over, dead. How convenient. Ghastly Rose makes a brief appearance to apologize to everyone for being such a lousy Monster Of The Week, and then she self-immolates, leaving the boys alone to gasp and pant their respective ways into this evening's final CHOMP!-less commercial break.
Bobby's Emporium. Despite the damage to their car, Sam and Dean have nevertheless managed to drive it back to the lush coastal rainforests of southeastern South Dakota, where we find Dean working on the engine as Sam approaches with a couple of beers. "What exactly did we do back there?" Dean frowns, uncapping his brewski. "Yeah, I'm not putting it in the Win column, either," Sam sighs. "We saved a few dicks," Dean grouses, "and we killed an innocent girl?" Yes, Dean. Yes, exactly, and it sucks to be you, I'm sure, but could you please wrap this up? Dean goes on to whine about that failed relationship of his I stopped caring about midway through the season premiere, but Sam encourages him to look on the bright side: Satan, after all, has at long last left the building, and Darling Sammy's got his soul back. "I never thanked you for that, did I?" he asks. "It's all good," Dean assures him, but Sam expresses his gratitude, anyway, and vows that he'll always have Dean's back. "I know," Dean nods, allowing himself to smile for the first time since we arrived in South Dakota and, after the camera leaps up into the air to offer us one final shot of them from above, we finally cut to black.
That ended up being hideously boring. Raoul? "Yes?!" What's holding up those damn flagons? "Coming right up! Hee!" Thank God for that.
week, Our Intrepid Heroes crash through a wall to discover they've landed in an alternate dimension where their various friends and acquaintances know them as a couple of actors named "Jensen Ackles" and "Jared Padalecki." It could very well end up being quite delicious in its horribleness. See you then! "Kisses, my pretties! [Slurp!] Kisses!"
Demian would never give you one of his kidneys. Raoul is of the opinion that this is not necessarily such a bad thing. "Do you know what he's done to them?!" You may reach the former at demian_twop@yahoo.com. The latter is an imaginary gay dragon on the Internet.