In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
This evening's installment opens with Dean visiting a particularly shady Chinese butcher shop, where he quickly gains access to the shop's second floor to visit an old pal of his worthless bastard of a so-called father named "Dr. Robert," a de-licensed medical practitioner who, with his comely assistant Eva, agrees to stop Dean's heart for three minutes so Our Intrepid Hero's soul might summon both Tessa The Reaper and Capital-D Death himself. Dean's got this crazy idea, you see, that Death can rescue Sam's broken and battered soul from The Cage, so Death makes the following wager with him: If Dean can assume Death's regular duties for a full twenty-four hour period, Death will retrieve Sam's soul. Tessa, bless her, thinks this is an atrociously misguided idea, but Dean quickly agrees to the bet, and the thing we know, he's happily depriving various lowlifes and businessmen of their lives while poor, beleaguered Tessa acts as his extremely unwilling chaperone.
Of course, when push comes to shove, Dimwit Dean finds he can't kill an innocent 12-year-old girl who's on Death's list, and his refusal to follow directions leads to a cascade of unintended consequences that sees a hapless nurse slaughtered decades before her natural time, which leads the nurse's now-widowed husband to embark on a bender of epic proportions that threatens the lives of countless others until Dean finally caves and calls the whole damn thing off.
Meanwhile, Soulless Sammy's summoned Castiel's arch-enemy Balthazar for a consult, because the last thing Sam wants is that damned soggy soul of his shoved back down his throat. Balthazar deviously informs The Ginormotron that there is, in fact, a spell to keep souls from entering unwilling bodies, but the spell requires its beneficiary to commit an act of patricide. When Sam reminds the rogue angel that his worthless bastard of a so-called father's been dead for five years, Balthazar coyly notes, "You need the blood of your father, but your father needn't be blood." While any sane person would take that as permission to slaughter Zombie Grandpa immediately and with extreme prejudice, Stupid Sammy decides to go after Bobby instead, and everything goes to hell way up there in the lush coastal rainforests of southeastern South Dakota until Dimwit Dean returns from his failed mission to whap Stupid Sammy upside the head.
And in the end, Death agrees to retrieve Sam's squishy eternal bits, anyway, because the second half of this season apparently revolves around The Importance Of The Human Soul, and for whatever reason, this requires Sam to revert to his aggravatingly emo persona of seasons past. The bad news is, Sam's squishy eternal bits have been so hopelessly damaged during their time down below that they'll likely leave him a drooling and incontinent vegetable. The good news is, Death can erect a "wall" that should keep Sam functioning as long as Sam doesn't scratch at the itch inside his brain. No, I don't understand it, either, but the best news of all? No more new episodes until February. Merry Christmas!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how the Winchester boys stack up against Other Ghost Hunters! And see who our vlogger thinks they should fight below!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Rattle, Rattle Tacky Blue Glitter THEN! Once upon a time, Capital-D Death gave Dashing El Deano his ring, Our Intrepid Heroes had several run-ins with Tessa The Reaper, Belthazor or Balthasar or whatever the hell his name is lectured Sam and Dean on The Value Of Human Souls, and Darling Sammy totally didn't want his nasty old mutilated human soul back because he was having way too much fun being awesome. Not to mention exceptionally tall and broad-shouldered.
Rattle, Rattle Tacky Blue Glitter NOW! The Impala grumbles up to the curb outside a small Chinese grocery, and Dean disembarks to double-check the address he has scrawled on a slip of paper. "You gotta be kidding me," he groans, because he's got problems with Chinese people, apparently, but he heads inside anyway to greet the grocery's butcher, who's evidently been told to expect him. The butcher directs Dean to the far rear of the shop and buzzes him through the door, where Dean finds himself at the foot of an absolutely filthy staircase that leads up to a set of even filthier apartments on the second floor. The door to Number Four presently creaks open to disgorge the actual, honest-to-God Freddy Krueger, who's here masquerading as a de-licensed physician named "Doctor Robert," who greets Dean with the claim that he "stitched up" Dean's worthless bastard of a so-called father more times than he can count. I think I'm supposed to be having some sort of overjoyed nerdgasm over the fact that Freddy Krueger is playing Sucky John's super-secret back-alley clinician, but I'm not, because the Nightmare On Elm Street movies sucked, and Freddy Krueger sucked in them, so let's get to the point of all this, shall we?
Dean's tracked down Doctor Robert because Doctor Robert will do anything for a buck, and there's an especially dangerous procedure in which Dean would like to partake. Before we get to all that, however, we must first meet Doctor Robert's comely assistant Eva, who's got Kathleen Robertson's doll-like features, Bettie Page's bangs, and Large Marge's charming and demure disposition. While Eva busies herself setting up an IV line, Dean and Doctor Robert dispense with the "preliminaries," which basically means that Dean passes the guy an envelope stuffed with twenties, after which the good doctor asks Dean to lie down on the examining table. As Dean complies with the good doctor's request, he produces an envelope addressed to "Benjamin Braeden" in Battle Creek, Michigan, and instructs the good doctor to mail it should anything go wrong. Doctor Robert glances at Ben's name and expresses surprise that Dean would not have something similar prepared for his brother, and with all that out of the way, Comely Eva pushes Dean down onto his back and inserts the IV's needle into his arm. Doctor Robert produces an enormous syringe from his grimy lab coat's pocket, mysteriously reminds Our Intrepid Hero he's "got three minutes," and jams the enormous syringe into Dean's IV line, thereby hurling Desperate El Deano into...
...a really shitty Julia Roberts movie a really shitty episode of Charmed the ethereal plane. Which looks an awful lot like the actual plane, only there are now two Deans, one a stumpy little bow-legged rapidly cooling corpse on Doctor Robert's examining table, and the other a stumpy little bow-legged specter now ambling over to examine his own body. Didn't they used to pull special filtering tricks with the camera to indicate when the guys had crossed over? Whatever. I suppose special camera filters got axed from this season's budget along with all the funds they used to have for mullet rock. Yawn.
In any event, Spectral El Deano wastes not an instant running downstairs -- which, when you think about it, is a stupid and pointless thing for him to do, as everything that transpires from this point on could just as easily have taken place up in Doctor Robert's makeshift office -- and once he reaches the grocery's lunch counter, he unleashes a stream of Latination I'll not even attempt to transcribe. "What the hell?" Tessa The Reaper peeves the instant Dean's Latination magically summons her to the grocery's interior. "I was in the Sudan!" she continues, stomping on over to verbally bitchslap him until she suddenly realizes It's Not Dean's Time, at which point she wonders, "Why are you dead?" "Because I need a favor," Dean replies. Over Tessa's strident objections, Dean insists, "Tell your boss I need to talk to him." "Where do you get the nerve?" she squints, looking for all the ethereal world like she's going to bitchslap him for real. "Desperate times," Spectral El Deano attempts to joke. Tessa launches herself into a pissy tizzy at this, and just as she's in the middle of heatedly informing Our Ghostly Hero that Reapers wouldn't dare call on their boss for anything, the boss man himself materializes somewhere off-camera to mellowly interrupt, "All right, Tessa. Thank you very much." Spectral El Deano spins around to find...Capital-D Death sitting at the Chinese luncheonette! DUN! Except, you know, not, because Death's presence is what Dean was asking for in the first place. Stupid show. Death greets Spectral El Deano amiably enough, Spectral El Deano gulps, and then the scene is rudely interrupted by the...
...Tinkle, Tinkle RAAAWWWR! "I'm bored!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, and if you think this is boring, my scaly friend, just wait until we... "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Goddamn it. The dizzy lizard didn't even let me finish my sentence. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Sigh.
In any event, once the tacky blue glitter tinkling is done, the camera fades back up on the Chinese luncheonette's interior, where Capital-D Death kicks things off by smoothly warning, "I'm busy Dean -- talk fast." "Ihavesomethingofyours," Spectral El Deano blurts, perhaps taking Capital-D Death's instructions a bit too literally. "You mean my ring?" Capital-D Death replies. "I recall loaning you that temporarily." Spectral El Deano puffs himself up with a great deal of false bravado and begins, "Well, if you want it back, then..." "I'm sorry," Death icily interrupts, never once deigning to look Dean in the eye. "You assume that I don't know where you've hidden it?" Thus so efficiently deflated, Dean flails about with a gaping mouth for a few moments until Death continues, "Now we've established you have hubris but no leverage, what is it you want?"
Meanwhile, Spectral El Deano's corpse is still rapidly cooling up in Doctor Robert's makeshift office. Was that cutaway really necessary? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" And I have my answer.
"Lucifer's Cage," Spectral El Deano spits back down in the Chinese luncheonette. "I figure you're one of the few people who can actually jail-break it!" Capital-D Death's all, "Yes, and?" Tessa, by the way, spends her time during this entire exchange mutely cooling her heels in the far blurry background of Dean's shots, but the daggers she's drilling into Dean's dimwitted ass with her eyes should leave him looking like an exceptionally photogenic pincushion by the time it's all over. In any event, Spectral El Deano reminds Capital-D Death that Darling Sammy's entirely unnecessary soul is trapped in The Cage along with Adam, their miserable bastard of a half-brother who I never thought I'd hear about on this show ever again, and Spectral El Deano asks Capital-D Death to bring both soul and bastard back to the surface. "Pick one," Death replies.
Meanwhile, Spectral El Deano's corpse is still rapidly cooling up in Doctor Robert's makeshift office. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"
"What?" Dean squints in response to Death's last line, so Death spells it out for him: Dean can have "Sam's soul, or Adam's," but not both. "But..." Spectral El Deano splutters, winning himself yet another icy interruption from Capital-D Death. "As a rule," Death notes, "I don't bring people back. I might make an exception once, but not twice, so pick." Of course, Dean opts for the soul over the bastard, and I'm pretty sure that now we'll never be hearing about Adam on this show ever again. And because the script says he must, Dean regurgitates the following bit of exposition for the benefit of those in the audience who missed last week's thrilling presentation: "His soul has been in there for a year, and I understand that it's damaged?" "Try flayed," Death corrects, "to the raw nerve." Dean takes a moment to process the implications of that, then wonders, "Is there any way you can, I don't know, hack the Hell part off?" Death stares at Dean like he's just realized what a massive dumbass he is and, after heaving a tremendously condescending sigh, he rises to cross to Tessa's side.
Meanwhile, Doctor Robert and Nurse Eva are zapping Spectral El Deano's rapidly cooling corpse with paddles, to no apparent effect.
"What do you think the soul is?" Capital-D Death rhetorically wonders back down in the Chinese luncheonette. "Some pie you can slice? The soul can be bludgeoned and tortured, but never broken, not even by me." "There's got to be something!" Dean protests, and wouldn't you know it? There is. What are the odds? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Yeah, I don't give a shit about any of this, either, so let's get this sequence over with: While Death "cannot erase Sam's Hell," he can erect a sort of a wall in Sam's being or eternal essence or whatever that will block Sam's memories of Hell from his active mind. Dean decides this wall is better than nothing, leading Tessa to caution, "It's not permanent." "She's right," Death confirms, adding, "Nothing lasts forever -- well, I do." "Okay, so that's the choice?" Dean asks. "Sam with no soul, or Sam with some drywall that, if or when it collapses, he's done?" "Yeah, pretty much," Death more or less replies, so Dean's all, "Do it!" "I never said I'd do it," Death smiles, and here comes the bit that sends Dean spinning off into his aggravatingly stupid subplot for the evening: Death instructs Dean to wear Death's ring for an entire day.
Meanwhile, Doctor Robert sends Nurse Eva off to fetch a syringe full of adrenaline for Spectral El Deano's rapidly cooling corpse, because God forbid we get through the terms of Spectral El Deano's deal with Capital-D Death without another completely unnecessary interruption.
"Take the ring off before the twenty-four hours are up," Death explains back down in the Chinese luncheonette, "and you lose -- no soul for Sam, clear?" Spectral El Deano, having no other choice, agrees to the wager, but he does dare to ask why Death proposed it in the first place. "Simple," Death replies, "because..."
Dean gasps himself awake on Doctor Robert's examining table before he can hear the rest of Death's answer. "You couldn't have given me five more seconds?" Dean bitches. "Son," comes Doctor Robert's cornpone-inflected answer, "you were gone for seven minutes." Ohhhhhh! I totally missed that bit of information the first time around. So, the reason Dean's such a complete fucking dumbass throughout the rest of the episode is because he's brain-damaged? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Shut up, Raoul.
"You what?" Darling Sammy bites back at Bobby's Emporium deep within the lush coastal rainforests of southeastern South Dakota. Dean's returned from his out-of-body experience, you see, and has just explained the plan to an outraged Sam and a decidedly nonplussed Bobby. Sam, quite naturally, wants nothing to do with it, for he heard all about how gross and soggy his soul's become over the last year or so, and he'll be damned if he's going to allow anyone to shove that thing down his throat. Dean explains the whole wall concept, leading Sam to of course wonder if said wall concept represents a permanent cure for whatever's currently ailing his unwanted eternal bits. Dean's forced to admit that the solution is temporary, so Sam tells him to forget about it. "I'm trying to save your life!" Dean yells. "Exactly!" Sam explodes right back at him. "It's my life, it's my soul, and it sure as hell isn't your head that's gonna explode when this whole scheme of yours goes sideways!" Several points to The Ginormotron. Which is another way of saying: Shut up, Dean. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" That, too. Bobby pushes himself to his feet from the sofa at this thrilling juncture to wonder what Dean's half of the deal entails, and once that little secret's out in the open, Darling Sammy heaves a tremendously weary sigh at his brother's abject stupidity, and makes to trudge out onto The Emporium's lawn for a think. Dean immediately shoots his recalcitrant giant of a brother a supremely suspicious side-eye, and the thing we know, we've...
...joined Sam out on The Emporium's rain-streaked yet charmingly decorated lawn, where he finds an empty hole in the ground where The Horsemen's rings should be. Wait a minute. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ?!" Dean just buried the goddamned things in Bobby's junkyard? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" How mind-bendingly stupid is that? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Maybe Dean's been brain-damaged for all of the last six years. In any event, Dean sneaks up behind Sam with Death's ring in his hand, and they chit-chat for another minute or so under the watchful eye of Bobby, and in the end, Sam agrees to Dean's stupid plan. However, as Dean lopes past Bobby on his way someplace private in order to don Death's ring, he rather darkly murmurs, "Watch him!" in Bobby's ear, so you know. There's that.
Moments later, Sam and Bobby have returned to The Emporium proper, where Sam wonders, "So, is this the part where you pull a gun on me, and lock me in the panic room?" Bobby's all, "Do I have to?" and no, Bobby, you don't have to lock Soulless Sammy in the panic room, but even Soulless Sammy himself thinks it's advisable for you to do so, anyway, so what the hell are you waiting for? Bobby doesn't answer me, because Bobby never answers me. Bitch.
Out on the lawn, Dean slides Death's ring onto the fourth finger on his right hand, and he's immediately transported to a relatively busy intersection in a town of seemingly moderate size. "Wow," Tessa snarks, walking up behind him, "they just let any slack-jawed haircut be Death these days." "Well, you're all charm today, aren't you?" Dean retorts, and while I'm sure I'd love to transcribe every single syllable of their witty banter for you, my faithful readers, I'd much rather get to the goddamned point, already, so: Long story short, and much to her obvious disgust and dismay, Tessa's been assigned to function as Dean's minder through what follows. For his part, Dean is to keep his yappy trap shut and kill whoever's on Death's list for the twenty-four hours. Got all that? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Good.
Elsewhere, Sam's somehow managed to sneak away from Bobby's for a bit, and he's driven the Impala over to an abandoned warehouse, within which he's constructed a makeshift altar, upon which he's placed a small silver brazier loaded with, like, dried flowers, or something. What? If they're not going to explain it to me, I'm not going to explain it to you. In any event, Sam strikes a match to set the dried floral arrangement on fire, and the instant the stuff goes up in flames, Castiel's heavenly Eurotrash friend Belthazor materializes on a platform above the warehouse's main floor. Fluttering noises appear on the soundtrack, and the thing we know, Belthazor's transported himself down to Sam's side to glower, "This better be good." Darling Sammy clenches his remarkably healthy jaw and flares his extraordinarily broad nostrils all the way out into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!
"Here's one for the list of dumbest things ever," Belthazor snots once we've returned from the break. "Summon the angel who wants to kill you!" "Desperate times," Sam gulps, echoing his brother's earlier attempt at joking while sounding considerably more serious than Spectral El Deano did in that particular scene. "I need your help," Sam begins, and that's unfortunately as far as he gets for the moment, for we must first listen as Belthazor upbraids him for comments made during their last encounter, about which I blessedly remember very little. Eventually, Belthazor knocks it off with the unctuous whining, and Sam finally gets to continue. "I need some advice," he confesses. "I need to know if there's a spell, or a weapon -- anything -- that can keep a soul out, forever." "It's for me," he admits, and Belthazor finds that revelation of especial interest. "The plot thickens," he smirks as he steps over to get all up in Sam's face. "Where's your soul, Sam?" Belthazor demands, and we get yet another rehash of what Darling Sammy's soul has been up to over the last year and a half with the special added bonus of Belthazor noting that Lucifer and Michael have likely been "hate-banging" the tattered old thing this entire time. "ZZZZZZZ -- Kinky! -- ZZZZZZZ!"
Anyway, and long story short, as Belthazor would be delighted to screw over Dean, he's more than happy to help Sam with the spell he wants. Of course, there's one problem: Sam must first "scar" his "Vessel" by performing an act so depraved that it renders his body "uninhabitable." That act? "Patricide." "My [worthless bastard of a so-called father's] been dead for years," Sam reminds the errant angel. "To be clear," Belthazor chuckles, "you need the blood of your father, but your father needn't be blood, comprende?" And here's where I got all needlessly excited when this episode initially aired, because I thought Darling Sammy was going to slaughter Zombie Grandpa. Turns out I was wrong, because this season sucks and wants me dead. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" And then there's that, as well.
Over in that moderately sized city whose name we have yet to learn, Tessa's busy giving Dean a few tips on how to behave. "Just so you know," she tells him, "when people die, they might have questions for you." "You mean like, 'How did Betty White outlast me?'" Dean guesses. Tessa shoots him A Look that would actually make poor Bea Arthur proud and carefully enunciates, "'What's it all mean?' is popular." "And am I just gonna magically know?" Dean wonders. Of course not, Tessa pretty much replies. "Then what the hell am I supposed to say?" Dean demands. Tessa shrugs and tells him to suck it up. Well, that was helpful.
Convenience store. Your typical wild-eyed meth-head white-boy junkie freak brandishes a revolver, threatening to shoot the store owner's son in the head if the store owner doesn't hand over the register's cash fast enough. Dean and Tessa -- invisible to those alive, of course -- arrive in the middle of all this, and there's some momentary confusion as to the identity of the person Dean's meant to take until the store owner whips out a pistol of his own to blow a couple of holes through the junkie's chest. Tessa nods in the junkie's direction, so Dean steps over to loom above the guy, and then he just stands there. "Hello?" Tessa impatiently calls out. "Tick-tock!" "He's in agonizing pain, right?" Dean asks. That would be yes. "Give me a minute," Dean sadistically smirks, and then he stands there some more while the junkie chokes on his own blood, and after an agonizingly lengthy amount of screen time has passed, Dean finally squats down to touch the junkie's hand. The junkie immediately stops struggling, and when Dean rises from the now rapidly cooling corpse, he turns to find Spectral Junkie wondering what gives. "Why?" Spectral Junkie thinks to ask. "Because you're a dick," Dean dickishly replies, adding a merry, "Enjoy the ride down!" as Tessa leads the junkie away. Dean's an asshole, y'all. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Quit it, lizard. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Oh, whatever.
up is an overweight businessman, who's scarfing down a personal pizza on a park bench when he's stricken with a heart attack. Again, Dean waits far too long before bending down to touch the guy's hand, and when Spectral Businessman asks, "Why?" Dean prickishly chides the guy on his eating habits before sending him on his way. "Wait," Spectral Businessman insists, pulling himself out of Tessa's grasp for a moment. "Tell me what it all means," he begs of Dean. "Everything is dust in the wind," Dean replies. "That's it?" Spectral Businessman protests, justifiably outraged. "A Kansas song?" Tessa makes with some hasty apologies and leads the businessman away. Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaaah!
Bobby's Emporium. Sam returns, LIES to Bobby about his recent whereabouts, and settles down for a slug or two of Bourbon with his host. !
The Only Hospital In San Francisco. No, seriously. No. Seriously. They're using the same establishing shot Charmed used every single goddamned time someone had to go to the emergency room. I'd take it as a shout-out to myself were I not so busy twitching around in the throes of the particularly violent bout of PTSD this shot has triggered. On the upside, though, at least we finally know where Dean is during this portion of the episode. In any event, Tessa leads Dean to the pediatric ward, where a 12-year-old with a bum ticker's going through old photo albums with her father while kindly Nurse Jolene watches on. "The dad or the kid?" Dean grunts, visibly upset at the prospect of either. Of course, Dean's meant to off the little girl, and were Raoul conscious at this moment, I'm sure he'd be shrieking, "KILL THE CHILD! KILL THE CHILD NOW!" but unfortunately, my faithful recapping companion is still in a coma. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"
Naturally, because Dean is an idiot, he balks at this, especially because the father's a widower with no other family. "Who's on the list?" he mutters, practically on the verge of tears. Pussy. "You have to take her," Tessa insists. "Says who?" the wimp challenges. "Death," Tessa replies. "I'm Death," argues Wimpy El Deano. "You know what I mean," Tessa shoots back, quite rightly not wanting to deal with any of his stupid bullshit. "Well, who tells him?" Wimpy El Deano barks. "I don't know," Tessa reveals. "It just is -- it's Destiny." Of course, that particular D-word sets Dean right off, and he rants about angels and last season's abortive Apocalypse for a very lengthy period of time before he flat-out refuses to kill the stupid little girl. "You know what's amazing?" Tessa observes once he's finally shut the hell up. "You don't actually buy a word of what you're saying." "Yes, I do," Dean insists. "Oh, really?" Tessa snaps. "So, all the times that you messed with life and death, they just worked out for you?" Many, many points to The Reaper, for a variety of reasons that should be obvious to anyone who's watched this show for the last five and a half years. Unfortunately, her meaning is utterly lost on Dimwit El Deano, and he again insists that no 12-year-old is going to die on his watch. Tessa just stares at him all, "You are such a dipshit," while Nurse Jolene wheels that wretch of a 12-year-old off to surgery.
Bobby's Emporium. As Bobby deals another hand of poker, Sam eyes a nearby wrench, and we can all see where this is going, right? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Thought so.
The Only Hospital In San Francisco. Dean and Tessa silently watch on as that wretch's doctor babbles, "Medically? I can't explain it. It's a miracle!" Or something like that. Yes, because Dean has refused to off the child, the child's heart appears to have healed itself. The wretch's father thanks the doctor profusely, even though the doctor didn't do a goddamned thing, and kindly Nurse Jolene walks right through The Reaper on her way out to her car. Because the wretch's operation has been cancelled, you see, Nurse Jolene gets to leave early, and she dials her husband on her cell to inform him of same before exiting the frame. "Come on," Tessa tells Dean. "We have more work here." Dimwit El Deano, who's totally fine with slaughtering a few old ladies because he is a massive cocksmack, happily trails after her as the camera leaps back up to...
...Bobby's Emporium, where Sam's just won the latest hand with what appears to be a royal flush. Bobby sighs and asks if Sam would care for another beer, and when Sam answers in the affirmative, Bobby turns his back on his houseguest to stick his head inside the refrigerator. Sam, of course, immediately leaps to his feet and tippy-toes over to that wrench he'd been eyeing earlier, and he's about to brain Bobby with the thing when Bobby quite awesomely pulls a length of pipe from the refrigerator's lower shelf and beats Stupid Sammy senseless. "I may have been born at night," Bobby grumbles at Sam's now-unconscious form sprawled across the kitchen linoleum, "but it wasn't last night." Bobby steps over into his office to retrieve a length of rope, but by the time he returns to the kitchen, Stupid Sammy's vanished. D'OH! Also: METAL TEETH CHOMP!
We return from the break to find Bobby rather ominously loading a couple of shells into a sawed-off shotgun. "Let's not do anything hasty, here," he calls out to Sam as he steps through the generalized gloom of The Emporium's first floor. He carefully shuts and bolts the back door, but when he hears floorboards creaking elsewhere within, he immediately scampers into that closet he last hid in during last season's zombie attack. Soon enough, Sam's hacking away at the closet door's panels with an axe, and when he finally breaks through, Bobby rather predictably sneers, "Don't say, 'Here's Johnny!'" Sam doesn't, but what he does say instead is not much better, so we'll be cutting to the chase: Stupid Sammy has, of course, decided to kill Bobby rather than Zombie Grandpa to fulfill the spell's patricide requirement, and for that reason, we'll be cheering when Badass Bobby yanks on a lever to activate the trap door he so smartly installed on the likely chance he'd find himself trapped in that damn closet again. Hooray!
Stupid Sammy plummets into the basement, and while I initially thought he'd shattered his leg upon impact with the basement's concrete floor, what with that lurid little gash he's got going on one of his shins, he apparently just scraped it, for he's quickly back on his feet and charging up the basement stairs to hurl himself against the door. "Reinforced steel core," Badass Bobby quite awesomely shouts from the other side, "with titanium kick-plates. Get comfy." Stupid Sammy complies, slumping against the wall while Bobby shouts again, "You wanna explain what this is about?" Sam blathers on about his tattered and sloppy whore of a soul for a while, and the two yell at each other regarding the particulars of Dimwit El Deano's idiotic plan for an even longer while until Bobby launches himself into a monologue about Stupid Sammy's dangerous mental state, at the end of which he suspiciously receives no response from his prisoner. So, what does Bobby do? He goes into the goddamned basement. When did everyone on this show turn into a huge fucking moron? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" You're right, friend of friends -- why the hell do I care?
Anyway, Bobby calls out, "Ain't nobody killing me in my house but me!" and, cocking that sawed-off shotgun of his, he slowly begins to descend the basement stairs. Once he reaches the bottom, he again calls out, threatening to "blow [Stupid Sammy's] legs out," but unfortunately, that never happens. "ZZZZZZZ -- Rats! -- ZZZZZZZ!" Instead, Bobby spots a trail of blood leading back to the panic room, and when he cautiously slides open the peephole, he finds that Stupid Sammy's set up a ladder within to escape through the panic room's ventilation shaft. D'OH!
The Only Hospital In San Francisco. Dimwit El Deano's blathering away at Tessa's back as she strides purposefully away from him, and only the sound of an incoming ambulance can get her to stop. "I knew it!" she breathes, more than a little irritated. "What?" Dimwit El Deano guhs. Your answer, nimrod, is now arriving through the emergency room doors: A battered and bloody Nurse Jolene, stretched out unconscious on a gurney as a harassed EMT rattles off her many, many injuries, which include internal bleeding, several shattered vertebrae, and the heart attack she suffered in the ambulance on the way over from the scene of her spectacular off-camera car accident. In case you haven't guessed, because Dean refused to off that goddamned little wretch like he was supposed to, both Nurse Jolene and the heart surgeon got to leave early, and because Nurse Jolene got to leave early, she ended up in a spectacular off-camera car smash that earned her a place on Death's list decades before her destined time, because the heart surgeon's not there to tend to her brutally traumatized ticker. Unintended consequences, and all that, just like on every single other television show, ever, that has ever had one of its characters play at being Death for a day. I would much have preferred it if Dean unexpectedly fulfilled his Death duties to the letter, rather than have them trot out this clichéd and tiresome "plot" "twist." "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Or sleep. I would have much preferred sleep, as well.
In any event, Nurse Jolene flatlines, and when he protests that she's not supposed to be a part of all "this," Tessa immediately points out that she is now, and it's all because Dimwit El Deano didn't do his goddamned job in the first place. Dimwit El Deano reluctantly steps over to touch Nurse Jolene's hand, and when he turns back to the justifiably irate Tessa, he finds that Spectral Jolene's already joined her. "Am I...?" Spectral Jolene begins. "I'm sorry," Tessa replies, thereby answering a question that was never fully asked in the first place. "But I'm..." Spectral Jolene begins again, and wow. She has a lot of problems completing her sentences, doesn't she? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Zip it, Raoul. "...so young?" Tessa finishes for her. "Yeah," Tessa agrees before adding, "Actually, you were supposed to live for many decades -- have kids, grandkids." "Then why...?" Spectral Jolene begins again, and Tessa quite pointedly stares at Dean as she notes, "Because he screwed up." "You did this to me?" Spectral Jolene asks, finally -- finally -- finishing one of her goddamned sentences, but Dimwit El Deano is momentarily dumbstruck, so Tessa starts to lead Spectral Jolene away. "Wait!" Dean shouts, somehow finding his voice. "I'm sorry!" Tessa just stares at him all, "Oh, my holy God, you are SUCH a motherfucking dipshit, and I can't believe I EVER had a thing for you!" while Spectral Jolene offers little more than her damning silence. Atta girls. This stumpy little bow-legged asshole deserves all of that and more.
Oh, and he's getting it! Because Dead Jolene's freshly widowed husband Scott is now tearing through the emergency room in frantic search for his wife, and he dissolves into wracking sobs when he sees her rapidly cooling corpse spread out on the operating table, and he nearly runs straight through Dimwit El Deano to keen and wail over Dead Jolene's body, and Dimwit El Deano has the gall to look very, very sad. Shut up, dickwad. By the way, Scott's sporting a jacket that makes him look like a delivery boy for Union Oyster House, which is terribly confusing to me, because I thought we were in California, not Massachusetts.
Sometime later, Dimwit El Deano stands watch up in the 12-year-old wretch's room as the little brat and her rather vampiric father jubilantly plan a post-hospital vacation. Tessa eventually materializes at his side to urge him to kill the goddamned little girl already before anybody else gets hurt, but Dimwit El Deano again refuses to do his fucking job, despite the fact that Tessa correctly points out that the little brat's continued existence is "disrupting the natural order." "Chaos and sadness will follow her the rest of her life," Tessa warns. Unfortunately, Dimwit El Deano's not listening to her, because he's crossed to the room's window to watch as Grieving Scott staggers out of a bar across the street to pour himself into his car. Instantly panicking, Dimwit El Deano gruffs, "Give me a minute!" and vanishes.
Bobby's Emporium. The gentleman of the house follows Stupid Sammy's blood trail across The Emporium's charmingly decorated lawn until it leads him to a disused barn. Bobby throws open the barn doors to find...absolutely nothing! Because Stupid Sammy's actually behind him with yet another length of pipe, with which he beats Bobby until Bobby lies unconscious in the dirt. D'OH! Stupid Sammy drags Bobby back towards the house as the camera hops back over to...
...Apparent San Francisco, where Dimwit El Deano rematerializes in the passenger seat of Drunk Scott's car, which is now tearing recklessly through the early-evening traffic as its driver takes another few very long pulls off the pint bottle he bought back at the bar. Because Dean is an idiot asshole, he attempts to talk to Drunk Scott, despite the fact that he's, you know, fucking invisible. Drunk Scott starts speeding up when the story of his wife's untimely demise comes through on the radio, and with the car now on a direct trajectory to take out a packed city bus, Dimwit El Deano rips off Death's ring and tugs hard on Drunk Scott's steering wheel. The little sedan veers away from the bus at the last second and ends up smacking into a parked Range Rover, activating the air bags that explode with such force, I'm almost convinced they end up killing Drunk Scott anyway, even though they merely seem to stun him. Dimwit El Deano's unimaginably thick skull is, of course, made of stronger stuff than Drunk Scott's, so he endures the wreck entirely conscious, and when the last of the shattered glass has tinkled to the asphalt, he examines Death's ring for a moment before grumbling, "Dammit!" and disappearing into the CHOMP!-less commercial break.
Apparent San Francisco. Immediate aftermath. Dimwit El Deano frees himself from the car and begins howling at the sky, screaming for Tessa while admitting he lost the bet. Of course, he receives no response, and it eventually occurs to him that he needs to put the fucking ring back on before Tessa can answer him. Jackass. And when he does, he finds her leaning against that ruined Range Rover, offering him tepid apologies regarding his brother -- tepid apologies he evidently has no time for, for he spins away from her to transport them both back to...
...The Only Hospital In San Francisco, because he's learned his lesson, or something, and he needs to take care of that insufferable brat before Tessa zaps him back to the lush coastal rainforests of southeastern South Dakota. And so, he steps over to the brat's bed and touches her hand, and by the time he's turned back to Tessa, The Spectral Brat is at The Reaper's side. The Dead Brat's father of course freaks out, calling out his daughter's name, and in case any of you care, that name is "Hilary." The rapidly cooling corpse of The Dead Brat does not respond to the crash team's attempts at CPR, and The Spectral Brat, watching all of this from the opposite side of the room, whimpers, "I'm dead?" Yes, honey, and it's about goddamned time, too. "But why?" she moans. Dimwit El Deano hunkers down at her side and explains, "Because there's a natural order to things." The Spectral Brat takes that one in, then pouts, "Natural order is stupid!" Not as stupid as this goddamned episode, you repugnant little shrew. Tessa gently leads The Spectral Brat away, leaving Dimwit El Deano alone with his thoughts. Such as they are.
Bobby's Emporium, and let's wrap this nonsense up quickly, shall we? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Excellent. Long story short, Stupid Sammy's got Bobby tied up in the basement, and Bobby's pleas for his life fall on deaf ears until Dimwit El Deano pops up from out of nowhere to beat Stupid Sammy like a redheaded stepchild. Because Stupid Sammy still -- still -- suh-huuuuuucks at the hand-to-hand, Dimwit El Deano quickly subdues him, and a mightily relieved Bobby pants his hairy ass all the way into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!
Bobby's Emporium. Aftermath. The gentleman of the house and his stumpy little bow-legged houseguest have once again locked The Ginormotron in the panic room, and we can see that Stupid Sammy is once again manacled to that nasty-ass cot. Bobby and Dimwit El Deano bitch about the particulars of their current situation for a bit until Stupid Sammy wakes up on that cot and tosses his faithless brother a supremely hairy eyeball through the panic room's peephole. Dean, fingering Death's ring, retreats to the first floor, where he finds...Capital-D Death, sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying a bacon dog and beer! D'OH! Also: Mmmm. Bacon dogs. In any event, Capital-D Death politely invites Dimwit El Deano to join him, so Dean takes a chair, and the central point of the lengthy conversation that follows is this: "Today," Death tells Dean, "you got a hard look behind the curtain. Wrecking the natural order is not quite such fun when you have to mop up the mess, is it? You throw away your life because you've come to assume that it will bounce right back into your lap." Death leans in to speak what follows almost directly into Dean's ear, "The human soul is not a rubber ball -- it's vulnerable and impermanent, but stronger than you know, and more valuable than you can imagine."
"So," Death concludes approvingly, "I think you've learned something today." Dean attempts to get loud and mouthy, but one withering look from Death is all it takes to shut him up again. Death then announces he must be on his way, as he's got an appointment down in Hell to retrieve Sam's tattered old whore of a soul. "Why would you do that for me?" Dean demands, instantly suspicious. "I wouldn't do it for you Death haughtily replies. "You and your brother keep coming back -- you're an affront to the balance of the universe, and you cause disruption on a global scale. But you have use." Death cryptically adds, "Right now, you're digging at something, Intrepid Detective, and I want you to keep digging. It's about the souls," Death finishes, offering Dean -- not to mention the long-suffering and rapidly dwindling audience -- absolutely nothing else to go on aside from, "You'll understand when you need to." With that, Death dons his ring and disappears.
Dean immediately scampers back down to the basement, and he and Bobby fling themselves against the panic room's door just in time to watch as Death arrives with a valise, which he unclasps to unleash Sam's tattered and glowy whore of a soul. Death calmly explains once more about the barrier he intends to erect in Sam's being or eternal essence or whatever, only this time he cautions that the barrier might be "itchy," and that it would be best if Sam resist the urge to scratch it. Heh. With that, Death reaches into his valise, fishes out tattered and glowy whore of a soul, and shoves that nasty thing right into Sam's chest. Sam howls and screams and moans and wails until the screen abruptly cuts to black.
"What on earth was all that racket about?!" Raoul shrieks, twisting himself about atop his overstuffed armchair, the better to glare at yours truly, and listen, lizard: If you don't want to stay awake for the episodes, don't expect me to explain what happened in them afterwards. "Oh, poop!" Raoul pouts, two perfect circles of smoke popping out from his sulky nostrils. "You're being absolutely no fun!" Perhaps, my scaly friend, but I do suspect I'll soon become a hell of a lot more fun, and pretty quickly at that. "And why, if you don't mind me asking, have you arrived at that particular conclusion!?" Easy: There are no new episodes of this crap until February. "Hoo-ray!" Raoul rejoices. "I couldn't have asked for a better holiday-season present myself!" Truer words, Raoul. Truer words. Have you anything to add? "Only this! [A-him!] Festive holiday kisses to all of my darling pretties! Mwah!"
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how the Winchester boys stack up against Other Ghost Hunters! And see who our vlogger thinks they should fight below!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Demian's going to settle in for a long winter's nap while Raoul prepares the apartment for his notorious holiday-season Saturnalia event. "Of course you're all invited!" You may reach the former at demian_twop@yahoo.com. The latter is an imaginary gay dragon on the Internet.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how the Winchester boys stack up against Other Ghost Hunters! And see who our vlogger thinks they should fight below!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Demian's going to settle in for a long winter's nap while Raoul prepares the apartment for his notorious holiday-season Saturnalia event. "Of course you're all invited!" You may reach the former at demian_twop@yahoo.com. The latter is an imaginary gay dragon on the Internet.