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In the opening sequence, Dean calls upon Castiel to find out what the audience has already known since this episode's promo aired at the end of last week's installment: Openly Evil Sammy returned from Lucifer's Cage without his soul, so Openly Evil Sammy's not so much openly evil as he is, um, without his soul. Whatever that means.
Seeking to find clues as to who could have effected such a bizarre set of circumstances, the boys plus Castiel head on over to The Campbell Compound, where preparations are underway for a raid on The Alpha Vampire's lair the following morning. First, however, Castiel must fist Undead Zombie Grandpa's torso to see if he, too, is missing a soul, and when it's determined that Undead Zombie Grandpa came back from the grave with all of his earthly and incorporeal bits intact, the boys minus My Sweet Baboo embark upon this evening's bit of incredibly tedious bullshit, which would be the tracking and capture of that Alpha Vamp.
And after several of the expected supernumeraries are slaughtered -- off-camera, because that's how fucking boring this episode is -- Undead Zombie Grandpa bundles The Alpha Vampire into The Campbell's Super-Special S&M Party Van so the boys plus Undead Zombie Grandpa plus Parker Lewis plus Girl Campbell might embark upon this evening's third bit of incredibly tedious bullshit, which would be the torture, escape and eventual recapture of that Alpha Vampire. The torture, alas, is lengthy, but during it we do discover that all good Alpha Vampires go to Purgatory, which should be delightful news for this planet's 1.2 billion Catholics. The escape and eventual recapture segments are, mercifully, brief, but they unfortunately feed into this evening's fourth bit of incredibly tedious bullshit, which is...
...Crowley's revelation that he's been behind everything all along. Yep, Crowley's the one who resurrected both Undead Zombie Grandpa and Soulless Sammy more than a year ago, and Crowley's the one to whom Undead Zombie Grandpa's been reporting ever since, because if Undead Zombie Grandpa doesn't do whatever Crowley asks of him, Crowley will throw Sam body and soul back into Lucifer's Cage for all eternity. Needless to say, no mention is ever made of that hapless bastard of a half-brother of theirs, so you should probably forget I even brought him up in the first place.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Rattle, Rattle Tacky Blue Glitter THEN! To Undead Zombie Grandpa's skillfully concealed dismay, Secretly Evil Sammy let Dreary El Deano turn into a vampire for all of three seconds in order to track the location of The Alpha Vampire, who is apparently building an army of wee bitty Shining twins so they can have tea parties with bleeding Victorian dollies in various Illinois graveyards. Then, Veritas blew Secretly Evil Sammy's secretly evil cover, so Dreary El Deano beat the pretty clear off Openly Evil Sammy's face. Got all that? Good. !
Rattle, Rattle Tacky Blue Glitter NOW! As Openly Evil Sammy struggles back into sludgy semi-consciousness over in Last Week's Motel Room, the blurry image of My Sweet Baboo pushes itself up into The Semi-Conscious Sam-Cam to growl, "You're right -- he looks terrible." "You did this?" Castiel asks of Dreary El Deano, who sits silently somewhere off to the side as the camera reverses and we get another good look at the fresh wounds Dreary El Deano beat onto Openly Evil Sammy's heretofore remarkably pretty face. After a few more watery, Sam-P.O.V. images of the room in general, Openly Evil Sammy finally manages to focus his eyes on the angel and address My Sweet Baboo by name just as he realizes his hands have been firmly secured behind his back with a length of rope.
Castiel pushes Openly Evil Sammy's battered head backwards to examine the errant Winchester's eyes while asking of Dreary El Deano, "Has he been feverish?" "Have you?" Dreary El Deano barks, for he apparently hasn't a clue, despite the fact that he's been sharing the Impala and numerous motel rooms with his brother for the better part of the season. Idiot. "No," Openly Evil Sammy replies before wondering, "Why?" Ignoring him, Castiel asks of Dreary El Deano, "Has he been speaking in tongues?" "Are you diagnosing me?" Openly Evil Sammy bleats, confounded. "You better hope he can," Dreary El Deano snarls from the far side of the room before rising to his feet to approach Openly Evil Sammy with a jeering, "What, you think that there's a clinic out there for people who just pop out of Hell wrong?" "He asks, you answer," Dreary El Deano seethes, "then you shut your hole -- got it?" A somewhat awkward silence follows for a moment until Castiel asks Openly Evil Sammy, "How much do you sleep?" "I don't," Openly Evil Sammy admits. "Not since I got back."
"And it never occurred to you that there might be something off about that?" Dreary El Deano rages. And you never noticed that Sam never slept, moron? Openly Evil Sammy politely apologizes for not sharing that particular bit of information with his spectacularly inobservant and unimaginably stupid brother before My Sweet Baboo finally -- finally -- understands what's going on and asks Openly Evil Sammy, "What are feeling right now?" "I feel like my nose is broken," Openly Evil Sammy duhs. "That's a physical sensation," Castiel dismissively notes. "What do you feel?" "I don't know," Openly Evil Sammy shrugs. Castiel shoots Dreary El Deano A Look, then whips off his Vessel's belt and shoves it into Openly Evil Sammy's mouth, telling the latter to bite down on the leather, for what's about to transpire will be neither pleasant nor soothing.
And with that, My Sweet Baboo rolls up his sleeve and shoves his fist into Openly Evil Sammy's remarkably healthy torso. "Kinky!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, and knock it off, Raoul -- it's boring as all hell, and you know it, and besides, didn't we already watch all of this crap last week during the promo? "Well!" shrieks Raoul again, placing a delicately affronted yet perfectly manicured paw against his chest. "You'll excuse me for attempting to inject just a teensy bit of amusement into this entirely dreadful sequence, I'm sure!" Oh, I'm sorry -- it's just that tonight's installment is so incredibly dull, and we're not even three minutes into the damn thing at this point. "Your apology has been deemed acceptable!" "Deemed acceptable," Raoul? Who the hell died and made you queen? "Actually...!" Raoul begins, and don't you dare answer that one, my scaly friend. The last thing I need to find out right now is that you're some kind of actual, honest-to-God, goddamned lizard royalty. "Hee! [A-him!] 'My lords, pray be seated!' I've always wanted to say that!" Oh, for God's sake, will you be quiet for just five goddamned seconds so I can wrap this nonsense up already? "Oh, I do apologize, I'm sure! Please continue!" Good.
Now, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah: Openly Evil Sammy doesn't have a soul. Which we already knew because of last week's promo. God, is this fucking episode over yet?
Tinkle, Tinkle RAAAWWWR! Guess not, since we've just hit the achingly awful Season Six title card. Have you anything to add at this juncture, Raou...oh, never mind -- he's over there atop his overstuffed armchair practicing his princess wave. "Hellooooooooo!"
Last Week's Motel Room. Immediate aftermath. Castiel supposes that Soulless Sammy's eternal bits are still stuck down in that cage with Lucifer, Michael, and their long-forgotten bastard of a half-brother. Dreary El Deano rants about...something so boring I nearly fell asleep while trying to listen to it. And Soulless Sammy respectfully tenders his sincere apologies for various late unpleasantries before asking if Dreary El Deano intends to free him at any point in the near future. Dreary El Deano of course says no, so Soulless Sammy quite awesomely Houdinis himself from the bonds lashing him to that rickety motel room chair and stands to announce, "You're not gonna hold me, Dean -- not here, not in the panic room, not anywhere. You're stuck with the soulless guy, so you might as well work with me. Let's fix this." Dreary El Deano rather impotently vows to watch every move Soulless Sammy makes from here on out, then rather rudely orders My Sweet Baboo to clean Soulless Sammy up. Instead of, say, smacking Dreary El Deano's obnoxious ass into week for ordering him about like he's some sort of goddamned personal body servant, Castiel quietly steps over to The Soulless Ginormotron, places a couple of fingers against the looming monster's forehead, and presto! Soulless Sammy's all healed up. , Dreary El Deano determines they must hunt down whoever yanked Soulless Sammy out of the cage, Soulless Sammy reiterates that he has no memory whatsoever of his resurrection, My Sweet Baboo has little to add to the conversation and so stands there looking magnificent with his snappy new haircut, and the thing we know, the boys plus Castiel are arriving at...
...The Campbell Compound, for whatever reason. This should suck. Actually, I take that back. No, not the sucking part, the bit about the boys plus Castiel arriving at The Campbell Compound, because while the boys are shown grumbling up in the Impala, Castiel is nowhere in sight. Which means this should suck even more. "Demian!" What? "Do be a darling little gentleman and hurry this along! I'd like to get to the good stuff!" There is no good stuff tonight, Raoul. "Really?!" Really -- they just talk at each other for three thousand hours, during which we eventually find out that Crowley's pulling all the strings this season, and then it ends. "Well! In that case, ta-ta for now, my loyal subjects! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" You little bastard -- you cannot just lapse into a coma like... "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Oh, fine! Abandon me -- again -- in my hour of need! See if I care! "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Bitch.
God. ANY-way, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah: This crappy sequence. Dreary El Deano and Soulless Sammy tool on up to The Campbell Compound, disembark, and enter to be greeted by Parker Lewis, who's a Scientologist, by the way, as if I needed another reason to hate him. The boys sweep past that particular particularly pointless addition to this show's cast and head back to confront Undead Zombie Grandpa regarding the latter's resurrection, the idea being (I believe) that Soulless Sammy and Undead Zombie Grandpa were likely brought back by the same entity, which should make finding Soulless Sammy's eternal bits a little easier. Or something like that.
"We've been over this," Undead Zombie Grandpa grouses. "Well," Dreary El Deano shrugs, "recap it for our wingman." Castiel has, of course, fluttered in at Undead Zombie Grandpa's side by this point, and why he didn't just teleport everybody over to The Campbell Compound so Dreary El Deano wouldn't waste both time and gasoline driving there, I'll never know, but whatever, because Undead Zombie Grandpa's now working my last goddamned nerve by giving My Sweet Baboo a dismissive once-over with his eyes and pissing, "You're scrawnier than I pictured." "This is a Vessel," Castiel too-patiently explains before adding, "My true form is approximately the size of your Chrysler Building." Atta boy. And Castiel, honey? Yeah, over here, 'cause I've got a suggestion: Smite Undead Zombie Grandpa's worthless, wrinkly ass already. Seriously, he's added absolutely nothing to the season thus far, and now that we're about to find out he's little more than Crowley's puppet, he has absolutely nothing to add to the season to come, so please, sweetie, I beg you: Smite the worthless motherfucker already. Please?
Alas, My Sweet Baboo does not run with my quite reasonable suggestion because the funny little people in the television set never run with my quite reasonable suggestions, so let's get through the stupidity that follows as quickly as we can, shall we? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Shut up, Raoul. Anyway, Undead Zombie Grandpa claims he can't remember anything about his resurrection, either, so Castiel fists his torso to discover that, while Undead Zombie Grandpa has many faults, indeed, a lack of soul isn't one of them. The boys proceed to fill Undead Zombie Grandpa in on recent events, and everyone natters at everyone else for a very lengthy period of time until My Sweet Baboo's ears perk up at some distant and urgent summons, and he announces that he must flutter back up to Heaven, pronto. "You're leaving?" Dreary El Deano eyebrows incredulously, all monstrously over-entitled asshole that he's become over the course of the last few episodes. "I'm in the middle of a civil war," Castiel testily reminds him, but Dreary El Deano just snots back, "You better tear the attic up and find something to help Sam." "Of course," Castiel replies. "Your problems always come first." The poor dear's attempting heavy sarcasm in that reply but unfortunately, he falls far short of the goal thanks to his imperfect understanding and mastery of human vocal nuances, so the stumpy little over-entitled prick to whom that reply was addressed thinks Castiel's being sincere. Smug little jackhole.
In any event, with that last, My Sweet Baboo flutters away from this miserable excuse for a Supernatural episode, and whatever small interest I had in this evening's proceedings flutters away with him. Thus so left alone, Dreary El Deano, Soulless Sammy, and Undead Zombie Grandpa get to chatting -- endlessly, of course -- about what comes , and long, long story short, Undead Zombie Grandpa's located The Alpha Vampire, and intends to lead a hunt for the guy at dawn. Soulless Sammy pouts because Undead Zombie Grandpa didn't give him a heads-up about the whole thing, and Undead Zombie Grandpa looks guilty until Dreary El Deano realizes Undead Zombie Grandpa didn't call Soulless Sammy because Undead Zombie Grandpa still mistrusts Dreary El Deano. Or something like that. And really, I can't be bothered at this point to rewind to make sure I got it right. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" God! Shut UP, Raoul! "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" ANY-way, Dreary El Deano promises to be a good little hunter from now on and follow all of Undead Zombie Grandpa's orders as long as Undead Zombie Grandpa invites Dreary El Deano and Soulless Sam along for the ride out to The Alpha Vampire's lair. Undead Zombie Grandpa remains unconvinced, so Dreary El Deano adopts a look of utter sincerity and vows, "I'll follow your lead -- I trust you!"
Smash-cut to the boys exiting The Compound, with Dreary El Deano griping, "I don't trust him!" Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaah! Soulless Sammy hmmms something stupid about Dreary El Deano not trusting family, or something like that, and Dreary El Deano responds by insisting that he and Soulless Sammy keep an eye on Undead Zombie Grandpa, because Undead Zombie Grandpa's the only lead they have left with regards to this whole soulless situation. !
Pointless montage of various soon-to-be-dead extras prepping vials of Dead Man's Blood for the following morning's hunt until Dreary El Deano and Soulless Sam reenter The Compound, with Soulless Sammy taking a seat at Parker Lewis's axe-grinding table -- no, seriously, Parker Lewis has an axe-grinding table -- while Dreary El Deano sneaks off to invade Undead Zombie Grandpa's private study to search for additional clues, or whatever. Unfortunately, Parker Lewis catches Dreary El Deano snooping around, and the two trade vague threats and a couple of decidedly ugly insults until Parker Lewis threatens to tattle on Dreary El Deano to Undead Zombie Grandpa. Dreary El Deano backs down, and the thing we know, everyone's...
...leaping into various vans and pickups and Metallicars to motor on over to The Alpha Vamp's lair, where they arrive just as the sun's rising over the distant farmlands. Undead Zombie Grandpa divvies up the various responsibilities, the most notable of which is, of course, Dreary El Deano's: He's to hang back at the trucks with Girl Campbell to hack apart any stray vampires who somehow make it through the perimeter. Naturally, Dreary El Deano's outraged at this slight, but he bites his tongue and acquiesces to Undead Zombie Grandpa's demands. So, while Undead Zombie Grandpa, Soulless Sammy, Parker Lewis, and about a dozen soon-to-be-dead extras tramp off through the underbrush towards The Alpha Vamp's lair, Dreary El Deano's forced to make small talk with Girl Campbell until...SNAP! A particularly flat-footed vampire underling makes the fatal mistake of stomping all over a nearby twig, so Dreary El Deano and Girl Campbell haul out their freshly sharpened machetes and wait until the flat-footed vampire underling pounces, and should I bother waking Raoul up for what follows? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Nah, it's so totally not worth it.
So, the flat-footed vampire underling pounces, knocking Girl Campbell to the ground before flying at Dreary El Deano's neck. In the tussle that follows, Dreary El Deano manages to get the upper hand for all of two seconds before Vampire Extra knocks him flat on his back, and I'd say things are looking pretty dire for Dreary El Deano at this point were it not for the fact that things are totally not looking pretty dire for Dreary El Deano at this or any other point during this evening's so-called festivities, because this miserable excuse for a Supernatural episode is utterly lacking in suspense. Yawn. Needless to say, Girl Campbell quickly recovers from that vicious knocking-about she so recently suffered at the hands of Vampire Extra, and she leaps back to her feet to lop Vampire Extra's head off. Off-screen, naturally, because this miserable excuse for a Supernatural episode is not only utterly lacking in suspense, but also utterly lacking in violence and gore. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Preach, my scaly friend. Preach.
Dreary El Deano and Girl Campbell stand around doing nothing until gunshots ring out from the general area of The Alpha Vamp's lair. Over Girl Campbell's strenuous objections, Dreary El Deano takes off through the woods and arrives at The Alpha Vamp's manse just in time to get...
...hurled into a disorienting flashback to that vision The Alpha Vampire sent him two weeks ago! Or, you know, a reasonable facsimile thereof, because I don't remember a couple of these shots in the original, but whatever, because the disorienting flashback's over almost before it's begun, and Dreary El Deano gets hurled...
...back into the present to stare at the various human and vampire corpses now littering The Alpha Vamp's expensively landscaped front lawn. And because this episode is so horrifically boring, The Alpha Vamp's expensively landscaped front lawn drags me right out of the story, such as it is, to ponder the following: Why would The Alpha Vampire -- who, as we later find out, is thousands, if not millions, of years old -- choose to live in the middle of nowhere in the American Midwest, surrounded by a passel of redneck underlings, when he obviously has the cash to live anywhere in the world? It's not like the vampires on this show can't pass for human in the first place, and you'd think The Alpha Vampire, with his obvious penchant for exquisitely tailored clothing and unique manicure strategies, might find it far easier to move through the more cosmopolitan urban areas this planet has to offer. Hell, it'd be a lot easier to find both prey and new recruits in the more densely populated cities, so why has he squirreled himself away all the way out in the boondocks? "Because he's as stupid as everybody else on this otherwise charming little Friday-evening divertissement?!" Go back to sleep, Raoul. "Okay! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"
In any event, Dreary El Deano tippy-toes across The Alpha Vampire's expensively landscaped front lawn, dodging corpses both human and vampiric until he finally arrives at the manse's glass doors. One of the earlier soon-to-be-dead human extras appears in the glass for the briefest of moments before getting her soon-to-be-dead self dragged back into the depths of the manse, and a spurting gout of her freshly released arterial spray splatters against the inside of the doors just as the METAL TEETH CHOMP! barrels in to drag us all into this tedious evening's very first commercial break. This fucking episode is never going to end, is it? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"
The Alpha Vampire's Expensively Landscaped Front Lawn. Immediate aftermath. Dreary El Deano backs away from the blood-spattered glass doors until he hears shouts coming from the other side of the house, so he tippy-toes around the corner and arrives just in time to watch as Undead Zombie Grandpa, Soulless Sammy, and Parker Lewis shove the hooded and manacled Alpha Vampire into the back of Undead Zombie Grandpa's S&M Party Van. Dreary El Deano endures yet another pointless flashback to The Alpha Vampire's earlier vision -- this a flash of The Alpha Vampire's unique manicure strategy as mentioned above -- but he recovers in time to slip away before Soulless Sammy spots him loitering about the premises when he should be back at the trucks with Girl Campbell.
Meanwhile, back at said trucks, Girl Campbell impatiently cools her heels until Dreary El Deano sneaks back through the underbrush just as Undead Zombie Grandpa arrives with Soulless Sammy, Parker Lewis, and the few remaining soon-to-be-dead extras who have yet to be slaughtered. To her credit, Girl Campbell covers for Dreary El Deano, then wonders how the whole hunt thing went. "Rough," is Undead Zombie Grandpa's curt and euphemistic reply before he bright-sides, "but one Alpha down!" "Where is it?" Dreary El Deano too-innocently wonders, claiming he wants to pay the supposedly dead beast his "last respects." "Bring marshmallows," Undead Zombie Grandpa grumps before LYING that The Alpha Vampire's "already on the pyre." The posse embarks in its various vans and pickups and Metallicars to leave, and before you know it, we've joined...
...Our Dreary And/Or Soulless Heroes out on the road some many hours later as they speed off into the night. Dreary El Deano makes various leading inquiries regarding that dawn's hunt -- and why he wouldn't have made these various leading inquiries regarding that dawn's hunt long before nightfall is far beyond my puny little brain's ability to comprehend, so whatever, and fuck you, Supernatural, and this goddamned miserable and hateful excuse for an episode can end ANY TIME NOW for Christ's bleeding sake -- and Soulless Sammy offers Dreary El Deano various evasive and otherwise LYING replies until Dreary El Deano stomps on the brakes and exits the Impala to bitch about secrets and LIES and the asinine levels of blind trust Soulless Sammy has placed with Undead Zombie Grandpa and the other idiot Campbells, and long story short...wow, I've completely lost my train of thought. What the hell is the point of this scene, again? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Aside from that, lizard.
Oh, yeah: Soulless Sammy confirms that Undead Zombie Grandpa's been capturing various beasties all season long and dragging them off to some undisclosed location to torture various answers out of them. Why? Well, because Crowley told him to, but we don't get official confirmation of that until the end of this episode, and at the rate things are going, I think I'll have killed myself from all the boredom by that point, so long story short, Dreary El Deano shouts that because Soulless Sammy now lacks the proper, human instincts to carry on as before, Soulless Sammy will from now on pay attention to Dreary El Deano's orders and Dreary El Deano's orders alone, or they're breaking up. Or something like that. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Yeah, that, too.
Campbell Compound. Soulless Sammy, having apparently decided to break up with Dreary El Deano, enters Undead Zombie Grandpa's study to offer his services, as he and Dreary El Deano "aren't seeing eye-to-eye anymore." "This family," Soulless Sammy claims, of course speaking of Clan Campbell, "is it for me now -- whatever you need, I'll do." Unfortunately, Undead Zombie Grandpa's still wigged about that whole Sam Has No Soul thing, and he refuses to allow Soulless Sammy access to his super-secret interrogation complex, so...
...Soulless Sammy sneaks into Undead Zombie Grandpa's S&M Party Van, fiddles with one of Undead Zombie Grandpa's cell phones, and...
...rejoins Dreary El Deano back at the Impala, because Soulless Sammy LIED to Undead Zombie Grandpa about breaking up with his brother. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Well, obviously, Raoul. "Samuel didn't take the bait," Soulless Sammy exposits while whipping open his trusty laptop, "so I went with Plan B." "We had a Plan B?" Dreary El Deano dimly squints. Soulless Sammy ignores that to explain, "I fired up the GPS on one of his cell phones -- we should be able to track him right to the Alpha." "The old man won't notice?" Dreary El Deano dumbs. "Trust me," Soulless Sammy assures his egregiously stupid brother while tapping away furiously at his keyboard, "he thinks Velcro is big news." A few whirrs and Pings! later, and Soulless Sammy's pinpointed the super-secret interrogation complex's coordinates, and the thing we know, we've arrived at...
...a misty and disused warehouse somewhere remote. Undead Zombie Grandpa's S&M Party Van wheels up to the warehouse door, and Undead Zombie Grandpa and Parker Lewis hop out to head inside. Soulless Sammy and Dreary El Deano sneak up after them to discover that Undead Zombie Grandpa and Parker Lewis have locked the warehouse door behind themselves, so Dreary El Deano rummages about his jacket pockets for his lock-picking tools while Soulless Sammy makes note of the Dead Man's Blood smeared all over the entrance. And don't ask me how goddamned Dead Man's Blood smeared all over a goddamned door is supposed to repel The Alpha Vampire's goddamned redneck underlings when the Dead Man's Blood needs to be injected into the goddamned vampires' goddamned veins to have any effect on them, because I don't have a goddamned answer for you. Dreary El Deano picks the locks, and the two unsheathe their freshly sharpened machetes to tippy-toe through the warehouse's generalized and drippy gloom until Parker Lewis emerges from a room at the far end of a hall, at which point Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Heroes duck into a conveniently located hidey-hole until Parker Lewis disappears.
Once that particular annoyance has passed by, Soulless Sammy and Dreary El Deano scurry up to the room Parker Lewis had so recently vacated and peer inside to find Undead Zombie Grandpa interrogating The Alpha Vampire. By the way, The Alpha Vampire's been locked inside a cage, within which he's further been strapped and chained to an old electric chair. His hands and feet are run through with nails attached to the main generator, and he's got a couple of Frankenstein-like bolts jutting from his neck that are hooked up to tubes currently flooding his veins with Dead Man's Blood. Just so you know. "Where is it?" Undead Zombie Grandpa demands. "How do we find it?" The Alpha Vampire answers Undead Zombie Grandpa's questions with a smiling silence, so Undead Zombie Grandpa activates the generator -- which is probably about sixty years old, given the way the damn thing creaks and wheezes to life -- to shoot a few thousand volts through The Alpha Vampire's body. "Ouch. Stop. That hurts," The Alpha Vampire deadpans as blue sparks dance across his body. Frustrated, Undead Zombie Grandpa shuts the ancient generator down and bluffs something dull before storming from the room.
Now alone, The Alpha Vampire chuckles to himself before allowing the nails on his middle fingers to grow into three-inch spikes, with which he then starts sawing away at the straps binding his wrists, and even I have to admit that's moderately cool. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Though of course, that could be the sheer boredom talking. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Speaking of talking, The Alpha Vampire calls out, "Are you two going to hide all night?" Silent Soulless Sammy and Dumb Dreary El Deano are all, "Is he talking to us?" in a very non-verbal manner with each other so The Alpha Vampire adds a cheery, "Come on out, boys!" that Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons might know The Alpha Vampire is indeed talking to them. Dreary El Deano shoots Soulless Sammy A Look Fraught With "Oh, Shit!" before the METAL TEETH CHOMP! arrives to drag us all into the second of this never-ending evening's commercial breaks.
Super-Secret Interrogation Complex. Immediate aftermath. Dreary El Deano and Soulless Sammy warily make their way into Undead Zombie Grandpa's primary torture chamber -- where The Alpha Vampire quite naturally greets Dreary El Deano by name thanks to the connection established between the two of them a couple of weeks ago -- after which The Alpha Vampire and Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons attempt to talk each other to death for the eight thousand years. Long and incredibly boring story short, while The Alpha Vampire claims he "was the thing in the dark" when humans "first huddled around the fire," and while he makes cryptic, joking reference to the "mother" he may or may not have, The Alpha Vampire doesn't really bother to explain anything about his origins. Nor does he bother to explain the uptick in vampiric activity over the last few months. Nor does he bother to explain why he's chosen to hide out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of badly dressed rednecks for acolytes when he could have the entire planet as his playground, but whatever. The upshot of it all is that vampires and other beasties of their poorly defined ilk supposedly go to Purgatory when they die, and Undead Zombie Grandpa's been trying to torture Purgatory's coordinates out of the various creatures he's ensnared over the last year because Crowley told him to. Just go with it. No, seriously: Just go with it, because The Alpha Vampire at one point indicates he and other entities like him lack souls, but he then contradicts himself by claiming Purgatory "is filled with the soul of every hungry thing" like him "that ever walked this earth," and fuck this ungodly mess of an episode all straight to hell.
Fortunately -- or unfortunately, as the case may be -- Undead Zombie Grandpa arrives at this moment with Parker Lewis and some soon-to-be-dead mouthbreather to drag Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons out into the hall, where they divest Soulless Sammy and Dreary El Deano of their weapons. Dreary El Deano attempts to chide Undead Zombie Grandpa for the latter's rank stupidity, but Undead Zombie Grandpa yells something about...something, I suppose, and at some point the soon-to-be-dead mouthbreather returns to the primary torture chamber to stand all slack-jawed in the center of the room, and then Soulless Sammy and Dreary El Deano try to overpower Undead Zombie Grandpa and Parker Lewis, and they would have succeeded were it not for the suddenly appearing Girl Campbell, who cocks her sawed-off shotgun in a manner so menacing, Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons have little choice to back down.
Meanwhile, back in the primary torture chamber, the soon-to-be-dead mouthbreather mouthbreathes his last when The Alpha Vampire saws the rest of the way through his wrist straps and escapes the cage to rip the mouthbreather's head off. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE?!" No, because he rips the mouthbreather's head off off-screen. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"
Out in the hall, Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons plus the various budget-sucking Campbells hear the mouthbreather's strangled cries and quickly leap into action, but by the time they reach the primary torture chamber, The Alpha Vampire's long since flown into this evening's METAL TEETH CHOMP!
Primary Torture Chamber. Aftermath. Dreary El Deano and Undead Zombie Grandpa yell at each other about their differing strategies and priorities until Dreary El Deano finally shouts Undead Zombie Grandpa down, and the five assembled survivors agree to split up and track the missing Alpha Vampire, with the first person who finds him decapitating him, because Dreary El Deano's had enough of this touchy-feely self-help torture crap, bitch. There follows a seemingly endless and endlessly unsuspenseful tracking sequence during which absolutely nothing happens until The Alpha Vampire finally pops up from out of nowhere to snap Parker Lewis's neck. Um. Yay? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Or that. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" We'll go with that. Undead Zombie Grandpa fires a pointless round of buckshot into The Alpha Vampire's chest, after which The Alpha Vampire tosses Soulless Sammy up against a wall, promising to turn Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Moron into "the perfect animal," whatever the hell that's supposed to mean, and then a black-eyed Parker Lewis rises from the floor to jam a hypodermic full of Dead Man's Blood into The Alpha Vampire's neck. Um. DUN!? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Yeah, we'll go with that here, too. And just as Dreary El Deano and Girl Campbell round the corner to join in on all the wacky hijinks, two black-eyed extras buzz and blink and flicker in around the somewhat stunned Alpha Vampire, and the two arrivals plus Demonically Enhanced Parker Lewis proceed to buzz and blink and flicker out with their prey. "Their prey" being "The Alpha Vampire," if you had as much trouble following all of that as I did.
A tasteful golf clap erupts from somewhere far above the remaining characters' heads, and they look up to find Crowley lounging around on a catwalk, and you'll forgive me for veering off onto a tangent, I'm sure, but I must pause here to offer a tasteful golf clap of my own to Gamble & Gang. You see, they've finally -- finally, after five and a half goddamned seasons -- figured out how to surprise the audience with a character's unexpected entrance by stripping the relevant actor's name from the opening guest-star scroll. Yep, go back and check for yourselves -- Mark Sheppard's nowhere to be found in the credits at the top of the hour. Brava. Shame, though, they decided to implement that cunning strategy for the first time in this hideous excuse for an episode, where not even Crowley's surprise appearance in the fourth act can save this wretched mess. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"
In any event, and as I believe I mentioned once or twice thus far in the recap, Undead Zombie Grandpa's been acting under Crowley's orders for the past year -- or as Soulless Sammy rather delightfully puts it, Undead Zombie Grandpa is "Crowley's bitch." Soulless Sammy and Dreary El Deano are, of course, shocked and appalled and all that, so let's cut to the relevant bits of the scene that follows: Parker Lewis had actually been demonically enhanced several months ago, so if anyone out there actually cared about "Christian Campbell," be aware that everything thus far revealed regarding the character has been a lie. Anyone? Anyone at all care about Christian? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Didn't think so. Also, Crowley's interest in Purgatory is explained as follows: "I'm a developer. Purgatory is vast, underutilized, and Hell-adjacent, and I want it." So there you go. Those of you wondering why Soulless Sam and Dreary El Deano don't just bail at this moment, well, this scene contains a little surprise for you, too, but you might want to pull up a chair and get settled in, because it's a little complicated:
Seems Crowley somehow managed to gather enough mojo to pull Undead Zombie Grandpa down (or up) from wherever he'd been for the last forty years while also magically summoning the strength to drag both Sam's body and Sam's soul out of Lucifer's Cage. Crowley then deposited Undead Zombie Grandpa's physical and incorporeal being on Earth while dropping only Sam's body off on same. He proceeded to make the following deal with Undead Zombie Grandpa: If Undead Zombie Grandpa does exactly as Undead Zombie Grandpa's told until Crowley gains control of Purgatory, Crowley will release Sam's soul; otherwise, Crowley will toss both Sam's body and Sam's soul back into Lucifer's Cage for all eternity. The bonus? This deal with Undead Zombie Grandpa effectively ensures Sam and Dean's obsequious obedience, as well, so Dean, Sam, and Undead Zombie Grandpa are now Kelly, Jill, and Sabrina to Crowley's Charlie. And yeah, I'm pretty sure that's "respectively."
With his relevant information thus so efficiently dumped, Crowley vanishes, leaving Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons to glare at Undead Zombie Grandpa and Girl Campbell until the METAL TEETH CHOMP! at long last arrives to yank us all into this hateful evening's final commercial break.
And in the end, Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons temporarily part ways with the remaining Campbells. Yeah, there's a brief moment of sullen defiance from Girl Campbell once she realizes exactly what Undead Zombie Grandpa did, and there's an even briefer moment of near-murderous defiance from Soulless Sammy over same, but nothing comes of either, and the episode concludes with Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Morons agreeing to play along, for now.
week... "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Yeah, it doesn't look good. Forget I mentioned it.
Demian's mightily irritated that Raoul's bailed on half the episodes thus far this season. Raoul's too unconscious to care. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" You may reach the former at demian_twop@yahoo.com. The latter is an imaginary gay dragon on the Internet.
Check out an interview with Supernatural star Misha Collins.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how the Winchester boys stack up against Other Ghost Hunters! And see who our vlogger thinks they should fight below!
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