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Still finding the 18-25 male demographic a bit hard to crack, The WB takes the logical step: Bloody Lesbian Vampire Make-Out Session! Hell yeah! In less distracting news, Sam and Dean go to Colorado and find their father, vampires, and a special gun that can kill anything. Daddy Winchester has been after this gun for years and now the gun has fallen into a nest of vampires' hands. The vampires, for their part, enjoy dancing sexily in dilapidated settings and wearing cut-off jean vests. Tough opponents.
The head vampire looks like Gavin Rossdale and I'm sorry, but if I can't take Sam's girly moptop seriously, I certainly cannot take vampiric girly moptop seriously. Anyhow, the Winchester Three manage to take Gavin Rossdale's vampire girlfriend hostage, and then negotiate an exchange for the fancy gun, during which we get the standard Vampire Civil Rights argument ("We have as much right to live as you do!") just before Daddy Winchester blows Gavin Rossdale away with the special gun, which seems like a waste of a one-of-a-kind demon-killing bullet to me.
There's also some blah about Daddy not wanting to take Sam and Dean with him when he goes to kill the Big Bad and then how he does want to take them, but seeing as how every time Daddy opened his mouth in this episode, I automatically tuned out -- because BORING with your tortured soul shtick, dude -- I'm hoping the characterization is deliberate and we're being readied for his ultimate demise. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. Dad is gone! Should we find Dad? Do you love Dad? Dad hates me! No, Dad doesn't hate me! Yes, sir! Let's fight. Daddy, Daddy, DADDY!
Establishing shot of a rockin' roadside bar in Manning, Colorado. Cut to a close-up of a hand flipping through what looks like the Winchester Notebook of Despair, but we quickly realize this notebook is being mumbled over by an old guy we've never seen before. A nice lady bartender asks if "Mr. Elkins" wants another beer. While getting that beer, she exposits an explanation to a man sitting across the bar who thinks this Elkins looks like the Unabomber. Lady Bartender tells him that Elkins is just an old man who lives all alone "up the canyon" and that he spends all day in the bar going over his papers and making notes. In other words: obviously misunderstood demon hunter.
A crowd of no-good toughs busts through the door to the bar, and gets the requisite Bad Guys crotch-shot-camera-angle welcome. The head of the pack is a Mimi Rogers-esque woman in a black leather jacket. Elkins peers at them suspiciously. And then does that a little more. Lady Bartender asks what they want to drink, and it turns out that they want "Jack all around. Leave the bottle." When asked if they want any food, we are treated to the ludicrously gratuitous "No. We have dinner plans." And Supernatural will take your "foreshadowing" and raise you a mallet to the head. Lady Bartender reaches for the Jack and asks if Elkins needs anything else (hella good service in this bar! Alcoholics from miles around come to enjoy the ministrations of this bartender and her one drink per minute rate of service) but as she turns around she notices he's left mysteriously.
Elkins rushes into his cabin, only to get inside and find Mimi Rogers, who is clearly a vampire (a Mimpire?). She approaches him slowly and with extremely volumized long dark hair. She tells him he looks old, and he responds in kind: by whipping a knife into her heart. Her eyes glow in the dark as she says, "Damn. You can do better than that," and easily slides the knife back out of her chest. Elkins takes off through the door behind him; Mimpire stalks after him. Elkins does the requisite shoving of the bookshelf in front of the door while anxiously trying to get into a safe he has behind his desk. He opens the safe and pulls out an old gun box, and then we have to watch him put the gun together and frantically load it with the bullets in the gun box. I wasn't aware I was watching Charlton Heston's Old-Timey Gun Fetish cable-access vanity project. In between each bullet going into its slot we get a shot of the bookshelf shimmying as Mimpire tries to beat down the door. Bullets, door, bullets, door, until he finally wings the barrel of the gun around, ready to take Mimpire on, except at that exact moment two more vampires drop (verrry slowwwly and very clearly on stunt wires) in through the skylights and pounce on him. Mimpire walks slowly some more, picks up the gun, caresses it a bit, gives her boy vampire cronies the go-ahead, and we cut to an exterior shot of the house and Elkins's screams. Zappy credits.In a diner, Sam works on the Goth girl laptop while Dean peruses the newspaper. Dean can't find any leads "in all of Nebraska" so I guess that's where they are. Sam's scanning other western states but isn't finding much, except an Iowan woman who "fell ten thousand feet and survived." Dean responds that that "sounds more That's Incredible than The Twilight Zone." Both Padalecki and Ackles are delivering their lines in a hushed, subdued tone, like they've got Peter Fallow raw egg sloshing around in the brain hangovers. Dean suggests they just "keep heading east" and then starts teasing Sam about going back to New York to see Sarah. Sam is, however, still wearing his chastity belt, which cuts off all blood flow below his chin, so he reminds Dean of all the work they have to do. He reads something else off the computer about Daniel Elkins being found mauled in his home. Dean mutters to himself that the name is familiar and starts flipping through the Winchester Diary of Mad, Black Demons while Sam blabs on about the mysterious killing. The strings swell as Dean hands the diary over to Sam and shows him the Colorado phone number listed to "Daniel Elkins."
A majestic mountain looms behind as the Metallicar drives down the roads. They must be in Missouri again. Heh.
Sam and Dean break into Elkins's cabin on a snowy night. The house is a wreck. Sam notices salt by the door; Dean wonders if it is "protection against demons salt or 'oops, I spilled the popcorn' salt." Ugh. Dude's getting some paint-by-number "clever" lines this episode. Sam tells him that the salt is "clearly a ring." Dean has found Elkins's Diary of Bachelors Who Need to Get Laid, and Sam peers over his shoulder, remarking that it looks like their father's. Dean notices that Elkins's dates back to the 1960s. Cut to a shot of a man from behind, lurking outside the house. Wonder who that could be? Back inside, the boys walk into the room where Elkins was killed and observe that it looks like he put up a hell of a fight. Which is odd, because WE SAW IT HAPPEN and he didn't. Obviously, these vamps are just messy, messy eaters. Lots more poking around the room. Dean notices the empty old gun box. More slow walking and flashlighting. Dean steps carefully and then kneels to check out some scratches he notices on the floor. Sam wonders, "Death throes, maybe?" Oh, Sam, don't be so skeptical about your prospects with the CW. Dean throws a piece of white paper over the scratch marks on the floor and takes a rubbing with a pencil. He peels the paper up, which is stuck to the blood on the floor (nice touch!), and hands it to Sam. We get a shot of it, and I can barely make out the marks, but I think they read "JRS ." Sam declares, "Three letters, six digits, the location and combination of a post office box. It's a mail drop."In the post office, Sam and Dean stealthily open a box and find a letter inside. They do so without speaking, so hooray for this scene!
Out in the car, they look at the envelope, which is addressed to "J.W.," and wonder if that stands for John Winchester. Sure. It also stands for Juwannastop Wankingaround? Open it already! Somebody else has gotten the memo that these two are acting the fools, and so suddenly knocks on the driver's side window, causing Dean to jump slightly in his seat. It's Jeffrey Dean Morgan! As much as they try to act like they are, nobody is surprised. Daddy gives the boys a wide, cheery grin, which seems kind of sadistic given the way they last parted and given the fact that he is the worst father of all time ever the end. He gets in the back seat and swings into his normal overly-serious mode. Sheesh, this guy. He's heard about Elkins, and he saw them out at Elkins's place the other night. Sam asks why he didn't come in and join the bloody party, and he responds that he was making sure nothing followed them there: "Nice job covering your tracks, by the way." Cram it, Crocodile Dundee. Dean, who turns into nearly as simpering of an idiot as his little brother when his father is around, responds that they learned from the best.
Daddy then goes on to explain that he knew Elkins but they had a falling-out (when? Who knows, who cares?), and then asks to see the envelope they got out of the p.o. box. He opens the letter and reads aloud, "'If you're reading this, I'm already dead,'" and then starts muttering about how the son of a bitch "had it the whole time." I'm barely able to keep my eyes open whenever Morgan opens his mouth. Daddy demands to know whether the boys saw an antique gun while they were in Elkins's cabin. Dean sort of stutters out that he saw an old case, but it was empty. Daddy then gets out of the car, declares they have to "find them," and comes back around to lean in the driver's side window. Somebody's six-year-old kid is clearly both working the camera and directing this scene, as we get the always-sophisticated camera-jerk-to-the-face-of-whoever's-talking management of this conversation. Daddy's face: "We gotta find this gun." Sam's face: "The gun? Why?" Daddy's face: "Because it's important." Sam's face: "Dad, we don't even know what these things are yet." Daddy's face: "Vampires." Dean's face: "[yoip!] I thought there was no such thing!" Sam's face: "You never mentioned them!" Daddy's face: "I thought they were extinct. I was wrong." Got whiplash yet?
If you don't, here comes another chance, only this time it will result less from jerky camerawork and more from continually shrieking in embarrassment and throwing your head into the couch pillows. We get a Daddy Voice-Over correcting a number of vampiric misconceptions we probably have, all while the camera pans over the vampires hanging out by the side of the road like bad teens. Is there some sort of Order of High School Principals that manages contemporary vampire stereotypes? From what I can tell, vampires are bad because they like to drink, hang out in parking lots and around bonfires, wear a lot of leather and ripped denim, kiss sloppily and with a lot of tongue, listen to bad music, and just generally act like they're going to lock all the parents inside the school gym and start rioting and burning shit down. I.e., high school principals' worst nightmares. These stereotypes about vampires still stand, but Daddy wants us to know that a number of them don't: crosses don't repel them, and neither sunlight nor a stake to the heart will kill them. But they do need human blood to survive, and the little vignette we see during Daddy VO proves this.A car drives down a road and Mimpire turns to her vampire boyfriend and tells him that it's "all yours, baby." Inside the car a couple, each in terrible shirts, talk about how bad their shirts are. Really! The man's is paisley and the woman's is some sort of white eyelet crap, and they are totally having a conversation about how bad his shirt is. Shrug. The woman suddenly shrieks for him to look out, he slams on the brakes and comes up just short of a body in the road. The man gets out to check, the woman calls 911. The vampire slowly turns his head and bares his fangs aaaanndd....Metal Teeth Chomp.
Commercials. In a dark room, both Sam and Dean sleep in their clothes, while their father stays up listening to the police scanner. Daddy wakes them up harshly and says they've got to go because someone called in about finding a body in the street, but when the cops got there everyone was gone. He's sure it's the vampires, and when Sam asks how he knows he snaps, "Just follow me, okay?" Hate. Seemingly now it's early morning, and the boys wait off to the side while their father talks to the cops at the scene of the missing crime. Would there be this much police presence for what would most likely seem to be a crank 911 call? Sam mutters that he doesn't see why they weren't allowed to go talk to the cops, too, and Dean tells him not to start. Daddy returns to them, sure it's the vampires. He's all Hans Gruber-y issuing orders about how they've got to get around the detour, but Sam interrupts and demands to know how his dad is so sure this is the work of vampires. Apparently, John Winchester has fast-forwarded through Sam's favorite part of each week -- the tortured exposition of various monster myths -- and he's throwing a tantrum about it. Daddy at first refuses to countenance his son's request, just telling him that he knows, making Sam demand again to know how he knows, and then AssDad whips something out of his pocket and says "I found this" and hands it to Dean. Dean observes, "It's a vampire fang," and Daddy wanks, "No fangs, teeth. The second set descend when they attack." OH MY GOD SHUT UP. So, not only does this douche refuse to give them a very simple piece of information, instead forcing them to beg for it, he also then purposefully waits for one of them to get a detail wrong so he can correct him. As Sars would say: "Haaaaate."
Daddy says something about losing daylight, which doesn't make sense, since the 911 call was made at night and they presumably motored right out there. They move to get into their cars, and Daddy bitches at Dean about touching up the car so it doesn't rust: "I wouldn't have given you the damn thing if I thought you'd ruin it." Then, a shared look between the boys that they just nail, Sam looking at Dean incredulously, and Dean trying to shrug at his Dad's dickishness but obviously feeling the remark a bit more deeply than he's letting on. AssDad peels around a corner in his AssTruck (no more MetalliTruck, since he's turned so assy) while Dean and Sam follow in the Metallicar. Dean reads some sort of informational brochure on vampires, saying aloud that vampires keep their victims alive in their nests for days or weeks, bleeding them, and guessing that this is what happened to the 911 couple. Sam agrees that their Dad is probably thinking that, but again mutters that "it'd be nice if he just told us what he was thinking." Dean notices the big, fat elephant -- Sam's hate for their father -- squeezed into the tiny car between them, and says, "We've been looking for Dad all year" -- don't I know it! -- "we're with him not more than a coupla hours and there's static already?" Sam responds that he hates how AssDad treats them like kids and keeps them in some "need-to-know deal." Dean tries to defend their dad, saying that their "job" is too important to spend time debating things, but when Sam asks if he's okay with all this, whether he's "cool with just falling into line and letting him run the show," Dean falters, and we know two things: 1) Dean is not okay with it and 2) Daddy must die because of this. Dean squeaks out a lame "If that's what it takes" but nobody is convinced.
Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. Really bad bar music plays (and I mean, like, really bad, like John Corbett Band bad) (oh, haaahaha, you guys, please at least go look at that link. What is John Corbett doing? He is SO clearly angling his body that way to reduce the appearance of his rather hammy hips and thighs, poor man. Oh, Chris Stevens, what happened to you?)...so, really bad bar music plays as Mimpire gyrates in the way an alien might if given the instructions that, to dance sexily as a human, you should a) move your hips in a circle, b) shift your weight from one foot to the other, c) wave your arms around. Now, if you were to get up and try to execute these moves at the same time, the result would probably not be "sexy" even though they are some of the components of a sexy dance. This is what my eyes are assaulted with right now. My eyes! My eyes! There's just loads of fun stuff happening in this scene, as in the background, the other vampires are just busy being vampires -- you know, throwing necklaces at one another and pushing one another in the chest. And they thought nobody would notice them back there. In a Peoria, Illinois community-theater acting class, this is a fantastic improv exercise: "Okay, you're a vampire. You are in the background of a scene. Go!" and everyone just sort of looks around blankly before cluelessly trying to nail "biker bar but slightly less human" and so end up just sort of shoving one another around.
The 911 couple are tied up on the ground, wincing and moaning, probably as much from having to watch all the sexy dancing and other vampiric antics as from the knowledge of their impending death. One of the vampires is trying to get the 911 boy to drink some beer so that he can taste the beer in his blood later on. Gross; that's like asking your boyfriend to take a shot of whiskey so that you can get a whiff of that fuzzy whiskey breath the morning. And Mimpire agrees with me, walking into the frame and saying, "That's gross." Wait a minute! The sexy dancer was not, in fact, Mimpire! This Mimpire is much more conservatively dressed, probably because she was in the back of their dilapidated vampire nest paying the electric bill even THOUGH it's Vinnie the Vampire's turn to pay the monthly bills, and IN ADDITION to that, she's noticed that somebody stole her bloody snack from the refrigerator and that's the third time in as many weeks and she's just about ready to tear out her hair trying to keep all these stupid boys in line. Cut to the 911 girl -- who ALSO looks just like Mimpire; I'm not sure what's with all the oval-faced brunettes in this episode -- who's getting harassed over the beer, too. She takes a swig and spits it in the vampire's face. He goes to strike her, but Mimpire tells him to "wait for Luther."Who conveniently just then busts through the barn's double doors, dry ice smoking behind him. If ONLY he were wearing a David Lee Roth white spandex capri-panted bodysuit. No, unfortunately, he's gone with more of a Gavin Rossdale / Scott Stapp / The '90s Were In Some Ways a Version of Musical Hell look with an expertly tousled bob. Mimpire looks at him like he's a hot Krispy Kreme donut, and then jumps up on him, wrapping her legs around him and making out. If only these vampires had access to better guidance counselors, they could make something of their lives instead of spending all day and night hanging around and making out. She presents the 911 couple to him, and he is creepily pleased, as well as creepily wearing light-rinse denim. NOOOO, NOT LIGHT-RINSE DENIM!!!! ["It's coming back, honey. Just make your peace with it now." -- Sars] Luther tells his vampire crony to lock the boy up, but as the boy gets led away, tells the crony to "go ahead and treat yourself." The girls shakes and shivers, again because of the death knell, but certainly also because of this dude's Eddie Bauer jeans. The vampires dig in on the boy, and there's lots of squishing noises and screaming.
Mimpire then shows Luther the Lame all the stuff they stole from Elkins. She seems pleased with herself, telling her that she caught his scent and made him suffer for Luther. But Luther is not impressed, telling her she did wrong because now others like Elkins are going to come looking for them. Apparently Elkins did something to Luther's family. His vampire family? What? Luther then sees the gun and picks it up reverentially. Mimpire blabs on about how it looks like it was made around the time Luther was born -- old-timey vampire! -- and laughs that Elkins seemed like he was going to try to kill them with a gun. Luther tells her that "this is no ordinary gun." No shit, really?
In the Metallicar, Dean gets off the cell phone and says that their dad just told them to get off at the exit because he's got the vampire's trail. Sam wants to know how and why, and when Dean doesn't have an answer, he accelerates past AssDad's AssTruck and then slams on the brakes, causing his dad to have to do the same. Sam and his dad get out of their cars and rush toward one another. Dean comes around the other side, and the shot is framed so that Sam is in profile on the left, Daddy in profile on the right, while Dean faces the camera between them. Sam demands to know the deal with the gun; Dean tells him the "Q&A can wait" and his father agrees. Sam yells a bunch, his dad tells him to get in the car, and he says no. Twice. Dean physically pushes his brother back toward the car, and Sam mutters that "this is why I left in the first place." Daddy picks up on the comment and moves back toward Sam, yelling at his son that he was the one that walked away, and he did it when he and Dean needed Sam. Sam yells back-- getting sloppy-emotion-lips -- "You're the one who said 'don't come back.' You closed that door." Dean jumps in, begging them to stop, and in trying to separate them it appears that their dad has a vise-grip on Sam's shirt. Dean yells at both of them "that's enough!" and they go back to their respective cars, leaving Dean alone to mutter, "Terrific."Lesbian Vampire Make-Out Alert! Lots of panting and overly loud smacking as shirtless Luther (certainly we couldn't expect him to part with his favorite stonewasheds) stands between Mimpire's legs and takes her shirt off. Mimpire glances over his shoulder and notices that 911 girl is still sitting there, purposefully averting her glance. Luther turns around and asks, "You like to watch, huh?" which just goes to show how uneducated vampires are, like they can't even pick up on context clues like how she is actually TIED UP there, and so isn't really liking anything at the moment. Shirtless Luther sends Shirtless Mimpire over to the girl, who shakes and cries and asks, "Are you going to make me put on jeans like that?" Oh, I kid. She asks if they're going to kill her. Sure, but not before WOOT! WOOT! Lesbian Vampire Make-Out Time! WOOT! WOOT! Mimpire does some annoying scatting at 911 girl about how very high she's gonna take her (snaps, snaps, snaps), Luther slices a knife across Mimpire's wrist to draw blood, Mimpire licks her own blood and straddles the girl and kisses her. And this is sensational how? Luther stands over them and says, "Welcome home, baby." So, she's switched teams. And so easily! See, Pat Buchanan is right about lesbians. And he's maybe even right about vampires. Metal Teeth Chomp.
Daytime. The Winchester Three stake out the barn, where Luther opens the door for another vampire who apparently stayed out too late. Dean expresses dismay that vampires can go around during the day. Daddy clarifies that direct sunlight just hurts them like a nasty sunburn and that they can only be killed by beheading. He goes on, saying that though they sleep during the day, they will wake up. Has anybody ever heard of a vampire that WOULDN'T wake up during the day? They've taken it too far, trying to debunk that which has never before been bunked.
They each open their respective trunks. I tried, but could not find another way to express that. So, of course, Daddy is all show-offy with his guns, and as Dean offers him the use of "an extra machete" -- which looks to be about a foot long -- Daddy of course unsheaths a three-foot-long machete and says he'll be okay. Paging Dr. Freud. Dr. Freud, please report to my television. Lots of leaning and sighing before Daddy asks if they really want to know about the gun. Um, yes? It's a legend, and it goes like this: in 1835, the night that Halley's Comet was overhead and "those men died at the Alamo." That's funny, because the Battle of the Alamo happened on March 6, 1836. SO EASY TO FIND THIS SHIT OUT. So, a vague vignette of old-timey hands fashioning an old-timey gun plays while we listen to Daddy's bullshit. Samuel Colt made this special gun for a hunter on horseback. He made 13 bullets, and used half of them before disappearing with the gun. Close-up of the gun, which is intricately carved, and bears the phrase "non timeho mala." Loosely translated, something like "Not to fear evil," though I have no idea if it is conjugated correctly, having wasted the brain space I could have used on Latin watching My Two Dads. ["I don't think it's Latin anyway, so don't feel bad." -- Sars] Anyhow: the gun can kill anything. The boys realize why their dad is after it -- to kill whatever it is that killed their mother. Gulping all around.Pan flutes toot exotically as the Winchester Three break into the vampire nest. All the vampires are asleep in hammocks, just like sailors! This scene rocks, what with all the walking around and looking. Dean and Sam act like total amateurs, knocking into shit and making lots of noise, and heading straight for the bitch who clearly just got turned into a vampire. Dean makes a racket locking up a cage (with who in it? I'm not sure, and we won't ever find out), and then Sam wakes up 911 girl, telling her he's here to help her. She screams her damn vampire head off, and it occurs to me that they cut that scary shot of her morphed face screaming that was in the week's promo. Too bad. The vampires all rouse; Luther finds Daddy standing above his bed and throws him across the room. Sam tosses a bottle through a window and the boys haul ass out of there. Once outside, they look behind for their father, who is a little while in coming. He lectures them once again: "They won't follow now, they'll wait for night. Once a vampire has your scent, it's for life." When Dean asks what they do now, Daddy nonsensically replies, "You gotta find the nearest funeral home." Dean makes his yoips?! face again.
Back in whatever cabin the Winchesters are holed up in, Sam paces around and worries that "it shouldn't be taking this long." His dad reassures him that Dean is okay and then launches into a chick-flick moment. He tells Sam that the day he was born, he put one hundred dollars in a savings account for college and continued putting a hundred dollars in every month. Cut to Sam getting teary, and then cut back to Daddy saying that he never wanted this life for his son. Sam asks why he got so mad when Sam left for college, and Daddy lays it on about how all he saw after their mother's death was evil, and all he cared about was keeping them alive. He continues, "Somewhere along the line, I stopped being a father, and started being a drill sergeant." He confesses that when he got angry at Sam for going to college, it didn't occur to him to think about what Sam wanted; he just instinctually imagined Sam going away and being alone and vulnerable. Sam continues tearing up, and when his father says that he just couldn't accept that he and his son are different, Sam interjects, "We're not different. Not anymore. With what happened to mom and Jess, well, we probably have more in common than just about anyone." Gah. Depresso. Sam lightens the mood by asking what happened to the college fund (which would have been a whopping $900, tops) and his dad responds, "Spent it on ammo." They both break into relieved laughter. I guess some things never change. America loves guns more than education.
Dean walks in on the smiling pair, remarks on the heavy security marshaled "to protect a bunch of dead guys," and pulls out a glass bottle of red liquid that is supposed to be blood.Cut to Dean fake-looking under the hood of his car when Mimpire walks up and sexes, "Car trouble? Let me give you a lift. Take you back to my place." She is wearing a denim jacket with the sleeves ripped off. And guess what? It's freaking light-rinse. THE HORROR! Dean snarks back at her, "No thanks, I usually draw the line at necrophilia." Heh. "Usually." Oh...ew. She hauls off and smacks him across the face. He falls to the ground, a back-up vamp approaches, and Mimpire picks Dean up by the jaw. He snarks some more about how he doesn't "usually get this friendly 'til the second date" and she responds by making out with him. God, does this woman have any other moves in her playbook? Dean then snarks even some more (and I'd say this scene so far has a repetitive rhythm) about how he definitely can't stay with a chick "for eternity," just as an arrow goes through Back-Up Vamp's chest, and then hers. Seeing as how the arrow came from behind and Dean was positioned about five inches from her torso, I'm thinking that plan was not all that hot. Mimpire just stands there as Sam and Daddy come out of the woods. She seems to think it is just a regular arrow at first -- though she doesn't make any move to power through it like she did with Elkins's knife -- but her face falls when John tells her the arrow was "soaked in dead man's blood. Like poison to you, isn't it?" She faints into Dean's arms, and John tells him to "load her up." He then says that he'll take care of Back-Up Vamp, and nods at Sam, indicating that the little moptop should go elsewhere. Once Sam turns away, Daddy machetes off Back-Up Vamp's head, to the accompaniment of a nice little blood splash on the pavement. Metal Teeth Chomp.
Still out in the woods, the Winchester Three build a fire. Daddy instructs them to toss "this" on the fire. "This" turns out to be "saffron, skunk's cabbage, and trillium. It'll block our scent and hers until we're ready." I'm working on deadline, and haven't gotten a chance to get dinner, so...mmmmmm, skunk's cabbage. Sam wonders if the vampires will really come after Mimpire, and Daddy says that since "vampires mate for life, she's worth more to the leader than the gun." The poison will wear off on her soon, so they have to move quickly. Sam says that "a half hour oughta do it." I wonder if he wants to go play with his machete. John then instructs his sons that they need to get out of the area as soon as possible. Dean is worried about his father taking on all the vampires, but John says he'll have the gun. Which you want so that you can kill the Big Bad demon, so why would you waste bullets on these vampire twerps? Sam wants to know that their father will meet up with them afterward. And in the ten jillionth bad decision/plan of the episode, John stays quiet. Sam realizes he plans on ditching them, and gets angry again, telling his father that he can't keep treating them like children. Daddy responds that they are his children and he wants to keep them safe. Dean FINALLY jumps in and says, "Dad, all due respect, but that's a bunch of crap." Dean continues by reminding his father that he knows they're always in danger, and has actually sent them on dangerous hunting trips himself, so why does he want them "out of the big fight?" Daddy responds with the same sad song about how evil this big demon is and that he doesn't "expect to make it out of this fight in one piece." Well, there's something we agree on, John. Daddy continues, saying that their mother's death "almost killed me. I can't watch my children die, too." Haven't we been over all this already? God, it's called progress. Let's make some. Dean thinks Sam is right and they should fight the big fight together. "We're stronger as a family." Which is why you are always doing the stupidest things and having to run away from shit when you're together? Daddy finally tells them to stop arguing, to do their job, and then get out of the area. "That's an order."A car drives up and finds the Early-'90s Vampire Gang just hanging out in the streets again. If only we could get a community rec center built for these no-good kids! Luther doesn't look so happy when his Bloody Alcohol pal gives him the news that "they cut off Hank's head." Not Hank! Bloody Alcohol is really upset, making me think that vampires are a little more emo than I originally gave them credit for being. Luther hears a truck in the distance, and looks mystically into the truth of the situation as only vampires (and missundaztood teens) can and whispers, "Kate. She's in that truck."
So, in that truck, Daddy drives and Kate sleeps. Daddy notices headlights following him.
Back in the barn, someone that looks just like Bloody Alcohol notices a sound and walks around swigging Jack Daniels. I have no idea which vampire is which anymore. Their denim vests and greasy hair has blinded me. I feel like my grandmother in the mall, coming upon a gaggle of Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne look-alikes, skinny kids in baggy pants and weird hair. Weird hair, I tell you! Just when Bloody Alcohol or Bloody Alcohol's twin thinks the coast is clear, he turns around to find Dean right behind him. "Boo!"
Back on the road, Daddy keeps driving with the vamps tailing him but then disappearing. These scenes of him in the car make sort of a big deal of him looking into the rearview and noticing that there are headlights behind him. What fantastic talent. He notices when there are headlights behind them and then when they disappear.
Back in the barn, Dean opens the cage he'd locked up before.
Out on the street, Daddy swings the truck around to meet the Early-'90s Vampire Gang head on. Luther demands Daddy's name and he obliges. Luther asks where his friends are and Daddy responds, "Cleaning out your nest." When Luther asks about Mimpire, John drags her out of the truck, tied up in rope, and holds a knife to her throat. She calls out "dead man's blood," and John tells Luther he wants the gun in a trade, but not to kill the vampires with; he's saving it for something else. John instructs Luther to put the gun down or he'll kill Mimpire. Luther does as he's told and John tells him to back away from the gun. John shimmies forward still holding Mimpire and leans over to pick up the gun. Just as he does, Luther says, "Nice move, you almost made it," and Mimpire hauls off and hits John with her tied-together hands. Maybe you and your babymen boys shouldn't have spent so much time blabbing around like a bunch of whiny babies in the woods. Time just ran out on your dead man's blood plan. Can we get John "Hannibal" Smith on the horn? We need a plan that actually comes together for once. So there's some fighting and John gets thrown through a window or something and is lying there prone and ready for the eating. Like all villains, though, Luther approaches him slowly. I have a lesson for all those villains out there: when you have your chance, take it QUICKLY. Get over your damn selves and how proud you are to be sooo evil that you want to savor your evilness.So, just as Luther sloooowly approaches John for the kill, the sexy dancer vampire get shot through the chest with an arrow, and we cut to the boys running through the woods with cross bows. It's all very dark and vague, but they definitely get two vampires before Luther clotheslines Sam, picks him up, and draws his arm tightly around his throat. Dean approaches with the machete -- it is totally unclear where all the other vampires have gone -- but Luther tells him that he'll break Sam's neck, so Dean puts the machete down. Which he does while Sam chokes and snuffles. Luther takes this opportunity to deliver his Vampire Civil Rights Speech: "I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of vampires and the sons of vampire haters will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood." Blah diddy blah about how vamps just want to be left alone when Daddy comes into the frame and says, "I don't think so," and shoots a precious magic bullet into Luther's forehead. Luther does this exploding-into-rays-of-light death that really scares all the other vampires, who just stand around NOT KILLING HUMANS. La-ame. Mimpire is still alive, and gets pulled into a car by another lady vampire to go start their careers in Los Angeles. And by "careers," I mean "do their first amateur video." Metal Teeth Chomp. (I can't believe that was the resolution of those vampires. What wimpy opponents!)
In the cabin, the boys are packing when their father comes in and reminds them that they "disobeyed a direct order." They remind him that he is an asshole. Sam looks like he's pooping his pants. John says that they are right, and that they "are stronger as a family. So we go after this damn thing. Together." The boys respond, "Yes, sir," and I throw my shoe at the screen. Fade to black.