If you stick with me 'til the end of this recap, I'll let you in on my sorority's secret knock. And then I will cry in your arms because there is no shame greater than the shame of having been in a sorority but not ending up being a lawyer with all the other sorority girls and so constantly having to explain your sorority-being-in past to, like, the intimidatingly cool DIY girl who's started her own letterpress business and who you know you'd get along with just so, so well if only she'd stop narrowing her eyes at you with one sweetly curled lip, asking "A sorority? What was that like?"
So...we open at a party at "Theta Sorority" at some fake Iowa college. A "plain Jane" type (read: gorgeous woman with the Hollywood misfortune to have long, straight brown hair, no bangs, and a side part) asks her roommate what she thinks of her outfit. Her roommate is a slutbag. We can tell because she is leaning sluttily on a bed, reading a magazine sluttily. Oh, we can also tell because she has big boobs. We won't be all that sad when she dies. Plain Jane is wearing a long-sleeved button-down shirt and a jean skirt, presumably to go out on a date. Slut Bag shakes her head and produces a slut sack of a shirt -- a red bustier-ish camisole -- for Plain Jane to put on. Plain Jane does while Slut Bag turns back to her magazine. Something about that interaction seems so weird to me. With your BFF, in the bedroom, you just keep chatting while you change your shirt, right? Or maybe that's just how sorority girls do it. But not these, of course. Plain Jane looks cute, the slut sack becoming her quiet nicely. As she leaves, Slut Bag continues turning her head toward conversation in an excruciatingly languorous and slutty fashion and advises her friend not to do anything she wouldn't do. Plain Jane giggles, "You? You would do anything," and leaves while Slut Bag pauses to consider her sluttiness some more...."That's true."
Out underneath the dramatic train trestle (WTF?), a train whistles forlornly in the distance while a pickup truck shuts off its headlights. Inside, Plain Jane asks why they aren't headed to the party yet, and her date, who we learn later is named Rich, declares they can't be on time to the party. Anybody heard of hitting up the Dairy Queen for a shake to kill a few minutes? What's with the remote train trestle location? And what woman would let someone drive her out to the woods while keeping her dimples tweaked just so for the handsome fella? Oh, right. A sorority girl would. They banter a bit more and then lean in for more smooching until Plain Jane's cell phone starts ringing, showing that it's her dad calling. She decides not to answer. They go back to smooching and Rich sort of awkwardly moves his hand under her tank top strap. I say "awkwardly," but I really mean to say "a hand that appears to be plastic and not in any way human sort of stiffly stiffs its way under the strap." Plain Jane places her hand on his lump-o-plastic hand and quietly says "no." Can't imagine why. His touch seems like it would melt ice. Left outside on a hot day. Which is melting just fine on its own.
When Rich replies with a "it's okay" we begin to get excited for his imminent death because there is nothing Hollywood likes more is to put a woman in a slutty outfit, have her encounter a boorish man who doesn't understand that her outfit does not indicate an openness to boob poking, and then have that man get raked across the face with a meat hook. Like what happens in Pretty Woman. I mean, the director's cut, of course. Can we pause for just a moment to wonder exactly what Rich is trying to ease her into here? Wanton open-hand boob caressing, a la Tune in Tokyo? What is wrong with boys, anyhow?
Pause for pondering over, because we pull back from the car to an exterior shot that shows a cloaked shadow figure with a meat hook for a right hand from behind, standing and watching the parked truck.
Back in the car, Plain Jane and Rich keep smooching. I'm sorry I have to keep saying "smooching," but I think it is the most accurate description of what they are doing. This time Rich reaches up behind her neck to try to untie her slut sack's halter tie. Plain Jane pulls back and is like, "listen, I know you receive lots of mixed messages about what women want from men -- and about seventy-five percent of those messages are indeed somehow connected to Julia Roberts -- but I'm here to tell you that women do not, in fact, want to get paid for having their naked ass pressed onto piano keys, nor give up satisfying careers as sleek fashion photographers to take care of your kids, nor find some man to rubber mallet them into the wedded bliss they've been running away from for years, nor have very public breakdowns about their cheating husbands, nor act completely nonsensically about their "best friend's" totally nonsensical wedding all while sporting the very prominent shoulder pads common to food critics (WTF?), nor do ANYTHING ELSE that Julia Roberts spent doing in the '90s, and ESPECIALLY we do NOT want to endure a boob fondling like that totally gross one Jason Alexander attempts to unleash on Ms. Roberts in Pretty Woman, the one that UNFORTUNATELY made us cheer in relief when Richard Gere came riding up in white pleather to the tune of mothereffing Roxette. Those are some things we do. not. want."
Actually, she doesn't say any of that. Instead, the smooching kiddos are brought up by the hellish screeching of the Hook Man's hook scratching across a "Dead End" sign. Plain Jane and Rich are scared out of their minds inside the car, while outside we get a shot of the Hook Man dragging his hook across yet another metal road sign (dude, you can kill people just as effectively without the whole Blue Man Group percussive crap). He sort of drifts sideways and then his figure disappears. Back in the car, Rich decides to step out and investigate the noise. Once outside the truck, he sees a nasty scrape dragged across the side of his car, but no Hook Man. His tires get punctured, again, invisibly. Inside the car, Plain Jane screams as the back windshield shatters inside its frame, and then calls out for her date who doesn't answer. The soundtrack is quiet as she breathes heavily, and then the tympani and horns start bleeting as she locks the doors and rolls up the windows to the truck. She calls out, begging for her date to tell her where he is. The soundtrack goes quiet again and...
ReeReeRee. You know, the usual. A thump issues from the roof of the truck. Plain Jane screams and crouches down by the wheel well, gazing upward. The camera follows her gaze and we hear lots of screeching and scraping noises but see nothing except some flickering light. Heavy breathing. ReeRee. Flicker. Flicker. Horns. Whooshes. Exotic percussion. Whoose. Breath. Breath. Then, see Jane get out of the truck, see Jane start rushing off down the desolate road, see Jane double-take back toward the truck, see Jane literally contract her little arms up toward her shoulder and then shake them out in concert with her little horror scream. See Jane see Rich strung upside down by the feet from the train trestle five million feet above the truck, his bloody arms and torso swinging lazily in the breeze, his hand scraping along the roof of the truck. A few quick cut zooms in on the dead body and then cut to black.
Sam slams down the receiver of a pay phone out front of a coffee shop. He heads back toward the table his brother is sitting at, as Dean tells him that "your half-caf double vanilla latte is getting cold over here, Francis." Sam's pissed because their father's trail is cold. Too bad it didn't stay that way. Instead, it got about as hot as a hot fart and, yes, you can consider that a spoiler. Dean tells his brother that their father doesn't want to be found and then asks him to look at a news story about a murder where the only witness claims that the attacker was invisible. Could be nothing. Yup. Could be something. Yup. Let's check it out.
Quiet Riot takes us to the scene as we watch the Metallicar drive for about ten minutes before we get going on the storyline again. The brothers pull up in front of some place that remains visually unexplained except for the fact that some fat-faced peaches-and-cream complexion guy is eating a banana while working on a car engine with a screwdriver. Oooh! Oooh! Teacher! Pick me! Pick me! Okay, I think the boys are...in a Salvador Dali painting? I mean, really, what do any of those props add up to besides retardation? Props at least got the whole "frat guys love dragging couches outside" thing down as we get a glimpse of a couch on the curb in the background as the boys walk up to Banana Screwdriver. ["Mmmm, banana screwdriver..." -- Joe R] There's some other guys in the picture, but we don't really get any sort of visual grounding, and for all we know the shot of Dean talking could be stock footage from the "Save a WB Actor" telethon. Dean tells Banana Screwdriver and Banana Screwdriver's posse that he and Sam are frat brothers from Ohio who need a place to stay. Pretty good cover, I'd say.
Inside the frat house, a dopey-looking guy is painting himself blue. (I'm not letting the Dali hypothesis go just quite yet). Dean introduces them as this guy's new roommates. The dopey guy is cool with that, he just needs a little help painting his back. Dean offers Sam's services, "The things he can do with a brush." Um, what is "Certainly not groom his own damn head," Alex? That is correct for one thousand! Then I'll take "Things Dean Says That Confirm How Threatened His Masculinity Is" for four hundred.
Dean makes himself comfortable and launches right into it. "So is it true?" The dopey blue guy sort of grimaces to represent how sad he is one of his bros got killed last week but then launches right into telling the brothers that this bro was with, "not just any girl...Lori Sorenson" when he got iced. Meanwhile, Dean tells Sam that he's missed a spot. Sam glances at Dean and clenches his jaw, Dean fights back a smile, and they are both so cute with their little facial emoting! Dopey Blue Guy continues to add "Exposition Wizard" to his resume as he informs Dean and Sam that the theory is that a psycho with a knife killed Rich, and that Lori Sorenson is extra hot because she's a local reverend's daughter.
Cut to the inside of a church where the Rev is sermonizing about the horrible tragedy that befell Rich. The Rev is unfortunately not in John Lithgow mode, proposing that to prevent further young person misconduct the town must obviously ban allowing teenagers the use of their legs, but instead in regular old Rev mode, talking about how sad it is when a young person dies. Meanwhile, Sam and Dean have entered the church, Dean bringing up the rear (heh) and, of course, letting the church door bang close, causing the whole congregation to turn around and stare at the leather-coated heathens. They slink into a back pew, Plain Jane keeps eyeing Sam, who gives her a quick smile. When the Rev instructs everyone to pray, everyone's head goes down except Dean. Sam elbows him and he complies. I say he's praying for the strength not to break into a vacant old barn somewhere, don some hightop Reeboks, tight roll his jeans and break into an acrobatic jazz routine the likes of which Iowa hasn't seen since 1984.
As the congregants exit church, Plain Jane tells Slut Bag that she "can't on Sunday night" because her father makes dinner. What, pray tell, can she not do with Slut Bag? Oh, "do tequila shots and watch Reality Bites." At first I had a kneejerk reaction where I felt required to scoff at this proposition, but, dude, sign me up (especially if I can do lemon drops instead of tequila). Slut Bag tries to cajole Plain Jane, assuring her friend that even though it's been rough she "can still have fun." Plain Jane stands her ground, so Slut Bag gives her a hug and flashes her breasts at the Methodists, screams "Don't Bogart that can, man!" jabs some finger guns toward Plain Jane and exits the scene. Again: is this all Dali's fault? The boys come up behind Plain Jane, introduce themselves as new students, and offer their condolences. Sam tells her that he knows how she feels, having seen someone get hurt once himself. The Rev approaches, and Plain Jane makes introductions. Dean compliments his sermon and the Rev intones that "it's so nice to find young people that are open to the Lord's message." Dean decides to draw the Rev away so that Sam can find out if Plain Jane is "open to the Lord's message" if you know what I'm sayin'.
While Dean pretends to be interested in church groups -- oh, boy, you're going to want to look up "karma" and see what it has to say about misleading a non-John Lithgow preacher -- Sam asks Plain Jane what the police think happened to Rich. She tells him she feels guilty for having such a wacky story to tell the police. Sam assures her that what she saw could be true. She looks deeply into his eyes and says "I would have stayed for two thousand."
In the school library, Sam tells Dean that he believes Plain Jane. Dean counters with "Yeah, I think she's hot, too." Sam continues, telling Dean that she found the bloody body suspended upside down, and Dean interrupts him, "Wait that sounds like..." and Sam completes it for him, "Yeah, the Hook Man legend." Dean remarks that it's the most famous urban legend evah, and Sam shrugs and says that all urban legends have a source somewhere.
Cut to a woman dumping two heavy, dusty boxes on a table in front of the boys. They are apparently full of "arrest records, going back to 1851." Right. In a podunk university library. Dean asks if this is how Sam spent four years of his life. Arrest records? Sam should've tried one of the east coast ivies; I hear they let you read Joyce there. Fade out, to fade back in on Dean rubbing his eyes. Aw, with the studying. But -- jackpot! Sam's found something about a preacher in 1862 going all Jack the Ripper on a bunch of prostitutes, killing thirteen and suspending a bunch of them upside down. Dean peers over Sam's shoulder at the artfully illustrated, um, arrest record (?) which depicts a creepy old preacher with a hook for a hand. So...Jack the Ripper Pot! Sam gets this goofy slack-jawed look, sort of like my mom does when she realizes she forgot the bag with the milk and eggs in the grocery cart in the parking lot, and mouthbreathes, "Look where all this happened." Nine Mile Road...where Rich bit it. Dean dorks, "Nice job Dr. Venkman."
Plain Jane's father drives her up to the sorority house to drop her off. There's a pause before Plain Jane tries to tell her father that she knows he's lonely in the house without her, especially since holy church lady mom died. She tells him she's safe in the srat house, that there's 22 girls in there. He then explodes with repressed lesbian fantasy: "That's exactly what I'm worried about. You think I don't know what goes on in there?" Plain Jane tells him she's an adult and can live her own life, and he snarks "Right, drinking, partying with that roommate of yours." It's true, Rev, she does like a drunken movie night a bit more than your average Presbyterian. But not nearly as much as your average Episcopalian. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night with my wacky church jokes. Did you ever hear the one about Lutheran Airlines? It's potluck where you land, and everyone crowds into the back row!
Plain Jane storms off as her father looks on regretfully. In the srat house, Plain Jane hears scraping as she heads up the stairs. She glances into a dimly lit room where a girl....sits at her desk studying. Oooh. She continues into her bedroom where Slut Bag is sleeping, buoyed up by her slutty boobs.
Out by the train trestle, Sam and Dean get guns out of the trunk (simply cannot wait until they finally show us the boys putting the guns back IN the trunk). Sam realizes that it is episode seven and nobody's really bothered to start establishing any demon/spirit/ghost hunting rules, so he decides to question why Dean is handing him a gun. Oh, Sam, just take whatever gun your brother gives you. Dean tells him to load it with rock salt, so Sam summarizes, "Salt being a spirit deterrent" and Dean Cliffs Notes, "Won't kill it, but it will slow it down." The boys walk away from the car, Sam asking if Dean and their dad came up with the rock salt thing on their own. Ass.
They hear wood creaking and footsteps, and Sam raises his gun to point into the woods. We switch camera angles and slowly slide toward Dean and Sam from the perspective of whatever it is coming out of the woods. Suddenly lots of yelling, "Put the gun down now, now, now!" as a sheriff comes out, and Sam and Dean get on their knees. Okay, if that's the direction the show wants to take here. Sheriff, woods, boys on knees....
Back in the srat house, Plain Jane continues to lurk around her own bedroom watching Slut Bag sleep. The soundtrack gets quietly whooshy as Plain Jane gets in bed and we pan toward the dark space behind the room's open door and the wall. We hear quiet breathing until we transition into morning. Plain Jane turns over, and the soundtrack continues to be nicely understated. We hear some slight dripping as Plain Jane does some unoriginal early morning sleep-sighing. We pan over across the wood floor to a puddle of blood that Plain Jane is clearly only half-seeing through sleepy eyes. We pan up to an arm dripping blood and cut back to Plain Jane's eyes widening in horror. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya, Slut Bag! That's what you get for providing red halter tops to reverends' daughters! Screaming, quick cuts, dead body, various metallic clashes and honking horns. Plain Jane's eyes travel to the wall behind Slut Bag's dead body where, scrawled in red is a pretty stupid message: "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?" Meaning what? Slut Bag was still alive when Plain Jane went to sleep. Whatever it is clearly wants Plain Jane alive to see these dead folks, so it's not like it would've killed her if she saw it.
Commercials. Outside the police station, Dean yells at Sam that he talked the sheriff down to just a fine by telling him that Sam was a pledge getting hazed. "Dude, I'm Matlock." God, first Venkman, now Matlock? PLEASE do not take the name of Matlock in vain, kid. You only WISH you could look so hot in seersucker. Just then, a bunch of cops bust out of the police station and take off in their wailing siren cars.
Outside the srat house, Plain Jane sits forlorn and shaken in the back of an ambulance. The Metallicar chugs by, slowing down a bit to check out the scene. Plain Jane straightens up a bit and looks toward the boys hopefully. Meanwhile, the Reverend tells the Mountie that he just wants to take his daughter home, but apparently she's now sort of a suspect. But since the Mountie isn't willing to arrest her now, he lets the Reverend take her home.
The boys park the Metallicar on the street and sneak into the backyard of the srat house. The boys sneak along on the driveway, at the end of which are gathered a bunch of gawkers, cops, and EMTs, all helpfully with their backs to the two enormous dudes in ginormous leather coats thinking that by walking deliberately heel-to-toe they're invisible like Geronimo. Dean floats the idea that the Hook Man isn't haunting the scene of his crime, but is instead connected to something else. What, he has no idea. But he does have an idea of what he'd like to find: "Dude, sorority girls. Think we'll see a naked pillow fight?" He grins real dopey and then realizes that Sam is, like, scaling the side of the house behind him. Which is actually impossible, given that it is a regular house with regular siding-- no foot holds or whatever. Dean instantaneously appears up on the roof with Sam, and they find an open window and dive through, making sort of a racket: "Dude, be quiet." "Me be quiet? You be quiet!" I have a question: dude, what's with all the dudes, dude?
Inside, the boys unfortunately do not find any topless women cavorting and poking one another flirtatiously. Instead, they find a gruesome crime scene which, frankly, we all know is more up their alley. Especially if we added a Cher poster to the vignette somewhere. They read the message on the wall and say "that's straight out of the legend." Dean taps his nose and says "Definitely a spirit," and Sam explains, "Yeah, I've never smelled ozone so strong before." Sam keeps looking at the wall and realizes that the symbol painted below the message reminds him of something.
Out at the Metallicar, the boys lounge nonchalantly, despite having just been picked up by the police at a crime scene that has now replicated itself around the corner from them. Sam confirms that the symbol is the one they saw on the artfully-illuminated manuscript that was Rev. Jacob Karns'...arrest record. Dean is pretty cocky, saying that all they need to do is find the grave and salt and burn his bones. But -- zoinks! He's been buried in an unmarked grave. Says his...arrest record. The boys get back in the car, Dean grabbing a note or ticket or something that's been placed under his windshield wiper. Sam says they don't know why Jacob Karns is doing what he's doing. Dean says it has something to do with Plain Jane. Sam furrows.
Crackin' party at the Frat House that doesn't stop for a few measly, obviously-interconnected murders. Inside, the boys lurk weirdly in the middle of the dance floor. Dean thinks college is awesome and then asses a bunch at Sam when Sam says he didn't really have this experience. Sam takes a moment to be annoyed and then gets his excited monster killing face on, which, on the whole, is quite endearing. He's found out that every few decades "a man of religion who openly preaches against immorality" is accused of going on a killing spree that he always claims has been done by an invisible force. Sam says the connection to Plain Jane is her father, "a man of religion who openly preaches against immorality." That is some damn stupid phrasing there. What minister doesn't do that? The theory is that by wanting so badly to save his daughter from "immorality," the Reverend has probably unknowingly summoned a poltergeist that's feeding off his repressed emotions. Who knew poltergeists were also psychoanalysts? Dean says Sam should keep an eye on Plain Jane and when asked what he's going do, glances regretfully at a willing blond with a pool cue and sighs "I guess I'm gonna go find that unmarked grave." Obviously, Dean totally wishes he could just put that pool cue in somebody's trunk.
In the graveyard, Dean walks around slowly. Crickets chirp. Drunken Bee loves this scene. A twig breaks, Dean stops for a minute, then starts walking some more. Plinking and strings. Dean finally finds the grave with the Hook Man symbol on it.
Outside the Rev's house, Sam peers in and eavesdrops on the Rev and Plain Jane, who are having an argument inside. Apparently the Rev is going to get remarried to a woman who isn't even divorced from her current husband. Scandal! Plain Jane spits, "Jesus Christ!" and her dad yells, "Don't use that language!" All is not well in the house door to the house of the Lord.
Graveyard. Dean's six feet under and still digging out the coffin, sweaty and grey t-shirted. Yum. Salt lick. He says out loud that "time, I get to watch the cute girl's house." He finally breaks through the top.
Outside the Rev's, Sam leans on the Metallicar. Plain Jane comes out in a cute blue hoodie and white t-shirt. Sam tells her he's keeping an eye on her. She sits down and tells him he's sweet and should get away from her. She thinks she's cursed. Sam, once again, makes it about him, "I think I know how you feel."
Back in the grave, Dean continues to be sweaty and grey t-shirted. I continue to be totally satisfied, even though literally nothing has happened for like twelve scenes in a row. Dean salts and lighter fluids the skeleton and lights it on fire. It goes up in flames. Minute 33 pops up and says, "Nuh unh is that crap finished."
Sam and Plain Jane continue to discuss how bad they have it. No one will talk to her anymore, she's a suspect, and her father's advice to pray isn't really helping much. Sam brings up the fight he just overheard, and Plain Jane goes on quite a little morality rampage herself. She's mad that he's seeing a married woman who comes to church with her husband. Huh. That is actually kind of bad. She says her father is the one who taught her that if you do something wrong you get punished. Sam, meanwhile, smells farts. Plain Jane is having a crisis of faith. Sam looks like he's about to fall asleep. He has some unusual courting techniques. But apparently the big knife in his trunk is all he needs, because Plain Jane leans in for some making out. This time not so much with the smooching, a little more with the making out. Dude, reverends' daughters actually probably have it pretty good because making out is usually totally overlooked by the slut bag crowd. Sam stops making out BECAUSE HE IS SUCH A WET NOODLE. Sam is totally what is wrong with feminism. We said 1) we are not baby factories and 2) equal pay for equal work. Nowhere in the charter did we say "Please start boring us with your sad sack emotional man shtick."
Plain Jane's father comes to the door and tells her to come inside. She whips around and says she'll come in when she's ready. She really spits it at him, he looks pissed, and out of nowhere the freaking Hook Man materializes behind him and hooks him off stage into the house. Holy Buster Keaton! Sam grabs his gun and rushes in the house. Upstairs the Reverend moans "No, no, please , no!" The Rev's on the floor with the Hook Man above him about to hack him up. Sam shoots the spirit full of rock salt and it disappears. Looks like it's back to the graveyard, boys.
Commercials. In the hospital, a cop questions Sam, who confirms -- answering each time with a "yes, sir" awww -- that it was a big man carrying a hook that hurt the Rev. The cop tells Sam that he doesn't like how everytime he turns around he sees him. Dean shows up, waving toward his brother, needing help getting past two cops guarding the corridor. He gets let in and Sam immediately busts on his brother for not burning the bones. Dean insists that he did. The brothers move on to other hypothesizing. Sam thinks the spirit is latching on to Plain Jane, since obviously if it was the Rev, the Rev would have to have a pretty effed-up subconscious to send the Hook Man after himself. Sam points out that Rich came on too strong, Slut Bag tried to turn Plain Jane into a party girl, and her father is having an affair. I love the ridiculousness of this premise. Sometimes girls are just WAY TOO PURE for their own good. They are so pure, they don't even KNOW how pure they are. Their Ids are like disinfecting agents against immorality all over the world. They send out their subconscious purity to fight the excessive boob touching that plagues our country.
Dean returns to the issue of the bones. He swears he burned everything. Sam isn't so sure. Dean is like "No, really." Sam is like "The hook, too?" Dean is like, "Oooh, not so much." They realize together that the hook is part of the spirit, and that by destroying it, they say in unison, "We stop the Hook Man."
Yes! And we're off...to the library. Oh. Page flipping. Musty books. Very little sweating. Dean finds an entry having to do with Jacob Karns's personal effects. They were given back to his church after his execution. His church turns out to be the same church Plain Jane's father preaches at. Sam wonders why, if the hook has been at the church or in the parsonage, no one has noticed a "blood stained silver handled hook." Um, because these people live in a WB show? Dean is all business, having none of Sam's hypothesizing monkey business. I wish Sam would come do some hypothesizing with me, eh? Eh?
Fade to black, which is great because I could use a new scene as I was getting bored of hot boys poring over books. Fade in on...hot boys. Poring over old musty books. Sigh. Sam finds in the records mention of the hook getting reforged. Now it's his turn to sigh. "They melted it down. Made it into something else."
So you know when I sat down tonight I thought, there is nothing I'd like more than to obsessively watch a show about two boys wandering around looking for a piece of metal. I have TiVo, so I could pretty much watch whatever I want. I could have chosen a show about awesome jackasses yelling at one another while clinging to spinning alligators and having secret ovary cancer ["Go Tina and Kenny!" -- Joe R], or I could have chosen a show with inspired Shakespearean dialogue and incisive cultural commentary, or I could have chosen a show where real live men's necks actually attempt to swallow their chinless faces. But instead I thought, no, nothing like that. Instead I choose walking. And some wandering. A tiny bit of sweating thrown in. And then some more walking and questing for a piece of metal. Yes, that is what I choose.
The Metallicar pulls up at night in front of a tremendously bad green screen -- er, I mean church. The boys exposit that Plain Jane is at the hospital so they have to break in. Sam picks the parsonage and they split up. Dean tells Sam not to go rummaging around in her underwear drawer. Dean stokes a fire, I guess in the basement of the church. He's tossing lots of metal onto it. Sam comes down with a small sack of stuff that he thought looked silver. They continue tossing things onto the fire when the ceiling starts creaking. They rush upstairs and bust into the church with guns drawn. It's just Plain Jane praying and crying. Dean returns to the immolation and Sam goes up to Plain Jane. Plain Jane starts blubbering about realizing she is to blame for conjuring an avenging angel. Um, okay. I guess religious girls are pretty quick on the supernatural uptake. Sam tries to comfort her, but she says that she killed Rich, Slut Bag, and nearly her father, but that none of them needed punishing, only she does. I'll say. This girl can't take a hand on the shoulder or sip a damn margarita while watching a movie with friends once in a while? During her monologue, Hook Man starts flashing on and off the screen, moving toward Sam and Plain Jane. Air whooshes and the two start looking alarmed. The candles go out and we cut to black.
Commercials. Upon return, we're right in the middle of it. Sam tries to rush Plain Jane down into the basement with Dean, but Hook Man appears right in front of them. They take off in the other direction, but he just appears in front of them again. Grunting and clanging and screaming. Hook Man is so, so dark I won't bother making fun of how he clearly stole his coat from the set of I Know What You Did Last Summer and won his ratty old wig during a low stakes, pot-fueled all-night poker game with Freddy and Jason. He keeps lashing his hook about, and finally gets Sam one good, but we can't tell where because all we see is Sam grimacing in pain. I really, really hope he didn't get Sam in the spot that counts. Plain Jane goes careening across the floor, pulled by Hook Man's unstoppable supernatural powers. Well, unstoppable only until she runs into the Oriental rug on the floor, which brings her right to a stop. Hook Man is like, "Drat! I did not factor carpeting into my evil plan!" Sam runs to her, and tries to pull her up. He glances up and Hook Man is right there, whacking him across the face and sending him flying into the bookcase. I LOVE it when they fly into bookcases. Almost as much as when they Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka right onto a flimsy Ikea coffee table. Things aren't going so well when Dean runs up, tells Sam to duck, and shoots Hook Man full of rock salt.
Hook Man's gone for a few seconds, during which the brothers yell at each other about whether they got all the silver. Dean notices Plain Jane's necklace, and it turns out its a "church heirloom." Sam rips it off her neck, and just then Hook Man starts making scraping lines into the walls. Dean takes this moment -- when Hook Man's just showboating -- to, with his back to the camera, dramatically pose his face, bathed in light, in profile, since we needed a shot like that for promos and montages. Hook Man continues prancing around. Dean tosses Sam the gun and takes off with the necklace. Sam shoots, one-handed (thankfully it wasn't the spot that counts) in the direction of Hook Man's little invisible one-man show. Dean hauls ass down to the fire and tosses the necklace in. Sam struggles to reload the gun, only to get it knocked out of his hands by Hook Man, who lurks above them, hook raised, as we cut between the necklace beginning to melt, and Hook Man beginning to laughably burn up right in front of Sam and Plain Jane. Dean runs back into the room, breathless, and THANK THE LORD sweaty. Metal Teeth Chomp.
Commercials. Sheriff wrap-up. This time he questions Dean about seeing the man with the hook. Dean tells him that they fought him off and he ran. The Sheriff has one thankless and boring job. Perhaps Eric Kripke would like to develop a show about him. Before Sheriff can even finish telling Dean to get out of town, Dean's like "yeah yeah, we're on our way." Dean gets in the Metallicar and watches Sam and Plain Jane in the car's side view mirror. She thanks Sam and obviously wants to make out. Sam does not comply and returns to the car, getting in silently. Dean says they could stay. For what? For this psychopathically "moral" girl to continue trying to make out with people and then turning rageful when they comply? Sam's got his jaw clenched tighter than Clench and he nods his head "no" tightly. I can't tell if he's being all "poor me, proximity to a woman has reminded me that I? I once lost a woman and it has made me so deep with such wells of loneliness," or if he's pissed because that Plain Jane was seriously one fucked up lady. I like the latter option, because, seriously, he's got good reason to hate on her.
Oh, and P.S. no way in hell am I letting you in on the secret knock. Now fry like bacon, you little freshman piggies!! Fry!!