Happy Turkey Day, folks! In an hour's time, you can give thanks that you'll never have to see this footage again! As for tonight's clip show, I'd love to believe we're in for some real excitement: Haute havoc! Couture chaos! Anne-archy! But I suspect that it'll just be more whining, sniping, and general incompetence. So now, because it wasn't tedious enough the first time, the Stylista mid-season recap...
The crack edit team repurposes the exact same intro from the first episode, substituting Anne's narration for vaguely Nigel Barker-y guy. Before the show begins, though, there is a quick montage of the season's lowlights, including Megan shrieking "FAB-U-LOUS!" in imitation of Ashlie's loudmouth schmuckery. If it had come from anyone less ass-y, it might have been a valid point (albeit utterly stereotypical and tinged with racism). And so Anne concludes that the remaining five competitors have their eyes on the prize(s): a year-long editorial position at ELLE -- if it hasn't folded by then; a free apartment for a year -- if this cheap-ass show can still swing rent, and a one-year clothing allowance from H&M, amounting to precisely $137 and a Punky Brewster lunchbox.
And so the clip show mash-up begins. The underlings came, they met. (FYI: In the interest of brevity -- and my sanity -- I'm going to try to take a Slowey-certified minimalist approach and link to any previously-viewed action that isn't new, interesting, or worth viciously hazing.) In short, Megan was bitchy and judgmental. Devin was nicer than she needed to be. Kate was dismissed for her underwhelming experience and overwhelming melons. Dyshaun was a snarky, fey worshiper at the altar of Megan. Not much has changed, eh?
Brett and Malina gave the minions their first dose of reality: Assistant Task! This one involved fetching breakfast. Super-brain Megan staged an impromptu sit-in (though I prefer to think of it as a "snit-in") to protest this lowly errand... that is, until Malina told her to stand her impertinent ass up. William TH's that Megan was "insane" for being so blatantly disrespectful. Well I've got news for you, Wild Bill: People in clown suits shouldn't tweak others' noses, mmmmmkay? Megan, because she is never in the wrong, thought this was a targeted attack, launched specifically to demean her and strike fear in the hearts of the other lowlifes.
So Bret sends the groundlings out for Anne's breakfast with virtually no instruction. Remember when Kate was still cute as she clutched at an entire pineapple? Now we know that, given the chance, she would have thrown that hapless fruit right under the bus. During the task, Ashlie managed to get lost on a six-block walk and nearly didn't find a deli in New York City, land of 1,000 delis. After the peasants returned, Anne set the competition's tone by walking down the line of subordinates and insulting them as specifically and personally as possible, especially William with his afore-mentioned Clockwork Orange aesthetic. In the end, Anne picked Ashlie -- cater waitress uniform-like clothes and all.
, the peons met Joe Zee, a poor man's Jay Manuel and Nolé Marin all wrapped in one. (Speaking of whom, why haven't they utilized Nolé in a challenge? He is supposedly an ELLE editor, and he has the added value of Empress Minnie! I love that fuzzy, half-comatose, tongue-hanging little bitch.) Joe Zee also gave Wee Willy a dressing down for his outlandish outfit, Devin for her self-consciously stylish '30s hat, Jason for his Michael Jackson glove, and Kate for her in-your-face breastises. Then Ashlie arranged teams for the first editorial challenge, consciously aligning herself with stronger teammates and relegating all the fashion rejects onto one team.
The contestants moved into their loft. Megan made a stink about rooming with "boobs," and Kate promptly kicked her to the curb -- or the couch, as it were. Shortly thereafter, in a never-before-seen moment, Kate hoisted up her punching bags to spar with Dyshaun. She rightly points out that he has no right to talk about her body, just as she is not snarking over his weenis, but she gives him all sorts of leeway and says he can trash-talk her about anything else. Oh Kate. Dyshaun naturally makes zero efforts to honor her wishes, cracking, "I just love to watch her blood boil because you can actually see her heart pulsating through her silicone." That Dyshaun, always a man of pure class. CK1 Cologne proves that she will not be long for this world by discouraging him to be such a dickwad while Megan literally falls on the floor cackling.
Elsewhere, Arnaldo -- remember him? Yeah, me neither... -- decides to quell the infighting with poetry. The lines of this new-to-us verbal slow jam include, but are not limited to, "Hologram out of my dreams/ Drink solid liquid/ Become free." Everyone stifles laughter. Dyshaun leads a round of applause that is at once bitchy and desperate to preclude any further nonsensical juxtapositions. Arnaldo explains that he has a gift with which he must feed the people. Baloney, I suspect.
The morning, it's another new sequence, this time involving William's mind-blowing transformation from circus freak to Dilbert.
And so the editorial challenge began with a makeover shopping spree, courtesy of H&M. Kate's team desperately tried to get her to lock and load The Girls, but she complained that the outfits looked like something she wore when she was nine years old. If that's the case, then she really was a hoochie from way back. As everyone primped for their "Office Chic" runway show back at the loft, Kate grew disgruntled and tearful at her teammates' no longer allowing her to wear the wardrobe of a low-rent political escort.
The teams headed to the ELLE downtown offices for the fashion show. Everyone (besides Kate) sashayed and shantéed in their new walking-commercial work duds. Later, the teams each put together a "Contributor" page based on photos of themselves at the fashion show. They were surprisingly harmonious because they didn't yet know their infinite suckitude or what verbal missiles were destined to fly at them come morning.
The teams presented their pages. Arnaldo was indicted for committing the most heinous reality show crime possible: Being boring. Meanwhile, Kate and William's team won a Special Olympics award for being slightly less useless than they were just 48 hours before! Despite her team's success, Kate unleashed the first of many smack downs, wherein she ratted everyone out for trying to help her not look like an extra from Slutty Sexertaries XI. Needless to say, Kate earned no friends with this unwarranted treachery. Despite Kate's treachery, it was Arnaldo who committed the cardinal sin of playing it safe and who was jettisoned that fourth-rate poetry slam in the sky.
For some reason, Arnaldo's dismissal sent shockwaves through the bull pen, prompting everyone to wail about Kate. When the contestants returned to the loft, CK1 comforted a weak and weeping Kate, and decided that everyone needed to talk things out. Megan incisively called Kate a serial victim, but things ultimately were worsened more than resolved.
The day, Anne tested the minions' knowledge of fashion terms by telling them to dress mannequins in garments with specific constructions. On the way to learning the different between a dart and a pleat, we also discovered that most of the minions are ignorant louts. Most notably Kate, whose mannequin, according to Anne, looked "like it got dressed on crack." Megan and Ashlie, on the other hand, showed their expertise, with Anne giving a slight edge (and the power of team selection) to Megan. Megan strategically stuck her fiercest competitor, Ashlie, on airhead Kate and inexperienced Devin's team to bring Ashlie down. Everyone saw through this ploy.
Later that night, they continued miring themselves in hatred and infighting instead of being effing grown-ups and, I don't know, reading a book or learning Chinese from Johanna or something. We see a hilarious new clip in which Megan compares Ashlie to the Energizer Bunny because she won't shut her damn trap, complete with a series of top-notch Diva moments from Ashlie. Most ridiculously, though, and Ashlie was shocked (shocked!) at Megan's allegation that Ashlie is a Diva. So she fights fire with Hell fire and called Megan a whole slew of Devil and Devil spawn-related monikers.
After that, some unseen footage shows everyone sitting around laughing at Kate's Anne Slowey impression. She musters up all the haughtiness in her teeny-tiny, huge-knockered body to nail it, actually. Dyshaun notes that, though he wouldn't have risked his head (lest Anne bid Joe Zee to fashion Dyshaun's Burberry scarf into a noose in the middle of the night), it was the first time that Kate revealed a little more personality than cleavage. Kate, a new millennial Arsenio Hall if there ever was one, says she loves doing impressions and thinks it bonded her to the others. Which she immediately undercuts by shooting back, "Oh, what, now you like me?" when one of them compliments her.
Another brand new sequence shows Kate quickly thereafter rubbing everyone the wrong way by sanctimoniously telling them that she and Anne are like peas in a pod. (Speaking of big round objects jammed in tight spaces, holy crap her boobs are really on display tonight! Like, I think they might jump out of screen and slap me in the face.) Kate describes Anne as "really happy and positive and funny and, like, outgoing and smiley." Methinks her mannequin wasn't the only one who got dressed on crack this morning. Somehow they get on the topic that Kate is an exceptionally bouncy (pun intended) and -- let's just say it -- ditzy, 22-year-old. Kate insists she'll grow up by the time she gets to Anne's age, but Johanna notes that she doesn't know many 22-year-olds like Kate, a.k.a. bubble-headed prats. Kate counters that she doesn't know many 28-year-olds like Johanna. What? Put-together and understated? Yeah, it probably takes a little longer for the girls at Gamma Delta Ho to really hit their stride... At this point, Kate has flushed all of her impersonation-earned goodwill down the toilet. She and Johanna go at it, and Johanna concludes that Kate has a weak character. Conversely, Kate thinks Johanna needs to lighten up. Did I mention that, during this whole altercation, Kate is sauntering around the house exposing, then covering up various patches of skin (with tee-tahs on full display) like she's starting a new workout trend called Burlesque Bickering. Oh, Kate.
The day, the teams scoured Chinatown for "Hidden Gems". According to Narr-Anne-tor, "The stress of the competition got under Jason's skin" -- like, rash-level under his skin. He had a full-on panic attack. On the second challenge. And if that weren't enough to send the hyperventilating crybaby packing, his only contribution to the challenge were some shiteous pictures. Oh, go cry in a corner, Jason. Except you already did that. After Jason's timely exit, we get a bonus clip of Danielle, CK1, and Kate "mourning his departure" as they read individual letters he wrote to them on the occasion of his dismissal. CK1 coos over Jason's extraordinary talent -- none of which we ever got to see.
The morning, the Stylistas met their most Devilish boss yet -- Anne's homely niece Erin, for whom they were assigned to plan a "faaaaaaaabulous" FAO Schwarz birthday party. Off they went, returning after three hours with hideous balloon animals (Megan), some weird voice-throwing guy (Johanna), and bagpipers (Kate!). Interestingly, there is no mention of Ashlie's awesomely off-base idea of serving the young girls mocktinis. I say it's never too young to teach the littl'uns the virtues of trend-induced alcoholism. Ultimately, Johanna's clever fashion show party theme couldn't be undone by her poor selection in entertainment, and she won the right to pick teams.
The day, the underlings were told to put together a day-to-night ensemble for Anne's last-minute trip to the Hamptons. Devin way overshot her budget but did some savvy editing and was declared the winner. She embraced the trend of bald-faced strategery when she picked teams and ended up sticking Danielle with the Tussle Triumvirate: Kate, Megan, and Ashlie. Ashlie and Megan immediately made it clear to Kate that she would be nothing more than a Blahnick-induced blister on the heel of their team. Consequently, Kate vowed to fight her teammates' ideas every step of the way, then walked off to "go do work." I think by "work" she means scribble "Mrs. Kate Efron," "Katherine Efron," and "Zac <3s Katie" about a million times in a pink, fuzzy notebook.
Later that night, Devin's manicure session was interrupted by Kate vs. The World. Even Danielle got riled up at Kate's dismissive view of retail experience, all the while William poured himself a tall glass of wine and reveled in the cat fighting. Dyshaun seemed amused by the idiotic blow-up, too, until he decided to chime in. In the brand new clip, he vows to retire from fashion and become a grocery store employee if Kate wins. "I've been over you since I first met you," he sighs.
The day, the teams headed to Brooklyn for their editorial challenge, which involved styling a photo shoot for the opening page to a fashion spread around a Tory Burch frock. New footages reveals how, on the way there, Johanna concocted the highly symbolic and obscurely intellectual, yet entirely underdeveloped (we're talking first year of film school here, people) idea to place mannequins all around the model to represent soulless, brainless socialites. Devin asks what will be their Plan B. Silence fills the car.
Hours later, the teams had finished begun shooting. Team Drama underwent so much strife that Megan walked off (seeming to avoid murdering Kate on film). Later Kate used her absence to discredit Megan during panel. Nonetheless, the other team's mannequin theme was deemed too baffling, so two losers were pulled from Team Harmony this week: Devin, who was embarrassingly prone to junior high yearbook layouts and William, who proved that first impressions can't always be overcome with experience or talent.
Which brings us to last week's episode. In a never-before-seen clip, Kate skulks away from the other five competitors to avoid hearing their insults. Though, I must say, if someone compared me to a "beat-down Chihuahua," as Dyshaun does to Kate, I would probably want to hear it. I'm not sure I can fault anyone who goes to such lengths to express his disdain. (Except maybe Michael Kors.) Kate shouts across the room that the others base all their conversations on her, and it's making her sick. In turn, Megan TH's that Kate is a monster. Meanwhile, Kate's attempt to separate herself is truly pathetic. I might even say that she wants to hear them, maybe even gets a perverse pleasure from the attention, albeit negative. Seriously, though, she's about 10 yards away, and the office is entirely empty, so there's no way she wouldn't hear what the others say without leaving the room... Not the brightest crayon in the box, that one.
After the storm dies down, the minions pair up and embark on this week's assistant task: Purchase a thank-you gift for nightclub owner Amy Sacco to thank her for allowing ELLE to host a party at Bungalow 8. Yes, this would be the task in which Danielle and Ashlie think it's prudent to give a high-powered nightlife impresario "No Cooties," along with a craptastic assortment of other questionably tasteful travel items. Though Anne isn't really happy with any of the choices, she gives the win to Megan and Johanna for their cashmere travel throw. They learned that this win designated them as captains for rival teams, prompting Johanna to make some truly dubious choices as to her teammates.
Before sending them off to study names, faces, and relevant facts about the VIP party guests, Anne gave them all free reign over the ELLE closet. Danielle was exactly as tormented by this shopportunity as you would expect a plus-sized woman at a sample sale to be. While others picked out glam outfits, Danielle went home empty-handed. Prior to the party, Dyshaun and Megan shared a previously unaired late-night conversation filled with queeny jibes at Danielle. She, of course, can hear their biting remarks and decides to take the high road, by which I mean she corners Ashlie in the bathroom and whispers snaky comments about the other two! Oh, Danielle.
The day at the party, the editrix asked them to help her identify and converse with various fashion world luminaries, including world-renowned fashion photographer Nigel Barker. The two teams alternately soared (Megan's) and crashed (Johanna's). Megan's team's hands-down victory was all for naught, though, because Dyshaun screwed the pooch by misspelling a designer's name on the trend page they designed featuring the party VIPs. Despite that mishap, they still won (or, perhaps more accurately, didn't lose) the tasks, but only because they were saved by the fact that the other team was stupid enough to completely misidentify a guest. Because Danielle didn't take enough ownership in the task, Anne broke it to the zaftig personal shopper that, like every single item in the ELLE closet, she was just "not the right fit."
Now four unparalleled assbags and Johanna remain. Who will be the Stylista? I find myself in much the same dilemma I faced the year Chris Daughtry got the shaft on American Idol, and the field narrowed to Katharine "Somewheeeeeeeeeeeh Over the--zzzzzzzzzzzzz..." McPhee and Taylor "I May Be Slightly Slow" Hicks. Well, we all know who won that year... So, in the that spirit, I'm going to embrace the absurd and put all my weight behind Kate -- if only to see Dyshaun bagging groceries for the rest of his snark-filled days.
week: The exact same preview as last week.