April Is The Cruelest Month

This episode starts off with Dana frothing at the mouth and pacing back and forth and saying, "This is idiotic!" and "This is no way to run a network," and someone from off-screen says, "Dana," and we go to a wide shot and Dana is in Isaac's office, and Isaac is standing up, and sitting down is some guy whom we've never seen before. The new guy says, "Don't call me idiotic," even though she didn't. Then he says, "I'm a full-grown adult, lady, and I've heard about you at these meetings. I am not other people, I am the network CFO," and he couldn't be any more condescending. The full-grown adult's name is Bert, and Dana is saying something about the Olympics and that whatever Bert thinks of her decorum, she's doing her job, and I am glad that for once in Isaac's office, Dana is yakking about something work-related. Bert then makes a sarcastic comment about Dana pointing to the tree upon which money grows. Sarcasm: always the preferred managerial method of dealing with underlings. It's effective and builds loyalty and morale. This is a weird thing to notice, but Bert has really big lips, like I'm talking Angelina Jolie lips, and speaking of Angelina Jolie -- ahh, forget it, I had a pretty good line that was based on a foundation of Jolie's inherent hotness and a devilishly wicked misinterpretation of the movie title The Bone Collector, but I should have used it before the Oscars.

Anyway, Dana says, "This sucks," which is certainly a good point. Bert makes another snide remark. I hate Bert already. Dana says this happens every week, and then this guy hugging a binder and leaning against the door says this doesn't happen every week. I would have noticed this guy earlier, except Jane was partly in front of him and his head was covered by the PG label in the corner at the start of the show, a label no doubt earned through Dana's casual usage of "sucks." Dana bitches about looking for change under sofa cushions while "Luther Sachs has just cashed a seven hundred and forty million dollar bonus" and if you ask me, Dana might have led with that argument instead of with "this sucks." Of course, both the suits try to hush Dana up as if Luther is listening in on the conversation. Dana can't believe they have one of the highest-paid CEOs in the country and they're still cutting back on Olympic coverage. Bert says the budget was reviewed at the network level and then went to the corporate level. Then Binder-Hugger, Door-Leaner says a thirty-four-man team to cover the Olympics is a bit ambitious, like God forbid they should be ambitious. And Dana says, "Well, God forbid we should be ambitious!" yelling at BHDL, whose name is Ray. Isaac suggests lowering the volume a little and tells the suits that cutting down from thirty-four to twelve is "off-the-charts ludicrous" and that CSC will look like local news and I winced at that, since I can't imagine CSC ever being as bad as local news. I also hope Isaac is referring to local broadcast news, which I often think should be renamed "Our Top Story Tonight: Whatever Is In The Local Newspaper," based on my experience.

Then Ray starts explaining about a deal with an Australian carrier named OzTech, and now I'm envisioning a wicked crossover season finale in which the SN gang is sent to a maximum-security prison and has to form their own gang to survive. I think we all know who everyone's bitch would be: Cough cough Jeremy Goodwin cough. Notice how when Isaac speaks, Bert listens respectfully instead of delivering non-stop sarcasm like he does to Dana? Anyway, Ray (who, based on the one scene I've seen, is a complete weenie) explains that OzTech will share costs in Sydney and supply supplementary manpower. Dana craps on that plan. Bert lectures her condescendingly about how they keep her employed, not interested, and tells her to watch her mouth, even though she didn't say "sucks" or "crap" or anything this time. Isaac says he's angrier than Dana is and wants to know why Bert is even in this meeting, and I think it's because this guy is another of Sorkin's favoured Feature Players who previously did a guest spot on the West Wing as a pollster who got to sample Marlee Matlin's primary date, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. I'm also told this guy was on Star Trek, so my guess is that he's entered Career Rehabilitation mode. ["He's John de Lancie, and he's a minor Hey, It's That Guy!." -- Sars] He says, "I'm in it because I'm in it," and I don't know which is more annoying, Bert's sarcasm or his little Zen koan. Isaac's point is that it's odd for finance to take such a hands-on role in the operation, and Bert says finance is going to take more of a hands-on role, a revelation that doesn't set Isaac's toes a-tappin' (I love that phrase). Time for Isaac's Duelling Sarcasm: he comes up with a pretty good line about the sensitive hand of finance always leading to prizewinning coverage. Bert blah blahs about Sports Night's prizewinning coverage running a deficit (a deficit that's roughly one-sixth of their CEO's bonus, I might add). Isaac asks how the deal will work. Weenie Ray explains that the travelling staff will be limited to on-air and support, since Dana wondered why they would need any producers at all (they won't). Weenie Ray sarcastically asks if she really would do a better job as producer if she was producing from the back of a truck in Sydney instead of back home, which I have to say is a REALLY dumb question, even for a bean-counter. Bert gets up to leave after explaining that this is the way it is, and he shakes Isaac's hand and leaves. Isaac kicks Weenie Ray out after WR tries to sell him on the plan.

After they leave, Dana asks Isaac if there's any chance they're just talking about the Olympics, and Isaac says no. "They're talking about production?" Yep. "Promotion?" Yep. "So they're talking about losing people," says Dana. "They're not talking about it," bomb-drops Isaac (meaning they're doing it). He then asks Dana to keep it to herself, meaning Dana is going to need a whole box of Band-Aids for her skin condition, unless that plotline goes the way of her church-going. As she leaves, Isaac asks if she wants a drink. Dana points out that it's noon. Isaac simply says, "OzTech," prompting Dana to waltz back into the office and join Isaac in a tipple. I remember when a paper I was working for got sold to another publishing group, and we were only told ON THE DAY OF THE SALE, and we met our new owners, who assured us that things were going to be business as usual for now, and I realize that CSC hasn't been taken over, but the uncertainty of the future of one's workplace can drive anyone to drink. That afternoon, I went home after stopping at the video store, figuring I'd rent a journalism-related movie to cheer me up, and instead I headed to the Surviving Harrowing Adversity section and came up with Deliverance. And at home, I had a glass of wine from a bottle of stuff my dad made, and he makes quite good homemade wine, and I don't advocate drinking alone, but these were special circumstances, so I had another glass and another glass, and finally the bottle was gone. So I cracked open another bottle and drank that too. And I was hungry so I made myself a BLT, which is surprisingly difficult when you've had two bottles of wine by yourself, and the phone rang and it was someone who had formerly worked at the paper and had heard about the sale and wanted to know what was going on, what I was doing. I said, slurring heavily, "I'm drinking wine and eating a bacon sandwich and watching Deliverance," and there was a long pause until finally Barry said, "Cool!" And it all worked out because the new owners offered me a job, and a couple of other places actually came calling with job offers when they heard about the sale. I guess what I'm saying is that if Isaac and Dana are drinking as a way of working out their problems, I heartily endorse that plan.

Back from commercial, Jeremy walks into an editing room where Danny is working on the "AL East thing," like YAWN, the Yankees will finish first, the Red Sox will finish second and the Blue Jays will ride Delgado's bat into a wild-card spot and catch fire in the postseason, only to lose to the 2000 World Series champs, the Montreal Expos. You heard it here first. ["Something else you'll have heard here first: BWA HA HAAAA! The Expos! Oh, boy, that's a good one. That Daniel, always joking around. Whew! 'The 2000 World Series champs, the Montreal Expos.' I'll have to remember that one when Derek Jeter is mopping the floor with the Montreal bullpen." -- Sars] Anyway, Dan and Jeremy start talking about Passover and Dan asks if Jeremy is doing anything, but Jeremy has two shows to do so of course religion takes a back seat, and I think the spiritually-reborn Dana may want to give Jeremy a talking-to -- that is, if the writers remember she's spiritually reborn. Dan tells Jeremy that he and Will and Elliot are doing something between the shows, except he's making all these deprecating "it's nothing" noises and gestures. Jeremy's excited that they're going to have a seder. Dan says they're just going to break some matzo, say a prayer. He invites Jeremy with the caveat that it's not going to be a big deal. Jeremy wants to make it a big deal. Before I recap the rest of this storyline, I would like to say how nice it is to focus on Judaism instead of the Christianity-centric depictions we normally get around this time and in December, like endless Christmas and Easter specials, although I guess it's possible that the Jewish community might be glad their faith hasn't been commodified and caricatured to the extent that Christianity has, like Jesus' birth and resurrection are somehow transformed into Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, and I wish this episode had been a full hour, because the Seder Subplot was really well-done and I wanted to know more about Jewish Passover.

Anyway, Jeremy offers to write the pageant, saying, "There are sections of the Haggadah that could use a little polish." Dan can't believe he's going to do a rewrite of the Haggadah, which Jeremy says isn't written in stone. Some of it is! says Dan. Ba-dum-bump. Jeremy wants to know who's coming so he can assign parts to the players, and Dan says the two of them plus Elliot and Will represent the entire Jewish community around the studio. Yeah, of the top two levels of the Sports Night hierarchy. Something tells me the Lesser Tertiary Characters weren't asked. Jeremy suggests throwing open their doors to the gentiles. Dan says Jeremy can ask whomever he wants, but doubts anyone'll show up since "I'm going to be there," in reference to Dan acting like a jackass on air last week (Casey is especially pissed). Jeremy says Casey will forgive Dan, and the rest of the gang already has. Dan changes the subject and says he'll take care of the food, and Jeremy says he'll organize the production and starts to leave the editing room, then turns and says, "Ask Casey," and Dan tells him to go away. Jeremy repeats his suggestion. "Go away now," says Dan. Getting the message, Jeremy leaves -- and doesn't get to see Dan angrily knock something over in a hissyfit. It might have been a stapler. The deficit is now $120 million and twenty bucks.

In the control room, Natalie barges in and starts ordering people around in that allegedly cute take-charge way she has which is in reality annoying, since people who think their position enables them to talk loudly at people and order them around without even the common courtesy of addressing them by name are very unattractive. I think the Tertiary Characters are really to be commended for apparently never having a grumpy day, since it appears that no one has ever just snapped, "Would you just shut the Christ up?" at her, which is my reaction whenever anyone makes the mistake of assuming I'm at their beck and call simply because they're talking loudly at me instead of speaking pleasantly to me. Jeremy? You got out just in time. Anyway, one of the things Natalie would like (other than a swift kick in the ass) is for someone to feel her forehead. The TCs make various "are you sick?" comments, except for Dave, who is warning everyone not to encourage her, and Natalie tells Will to feel her forehead and Will, God bless him, says he just ate a sticky bun. And he looks very afraid. The upshot is that Natalie has "Olympic fever, baby!" proving again Jeremy's thesis that some people just can't pull off "baby." If this was supposed to be a funny scene, the writers were unwise to pin their comedy hopes on irritating, bossy Natalie, and it is up to the TCs to save the day, which they do in fine fashion. Chris says, "I thought there was something really wrong with her," and Elliot says, "Well, you be the judge." And I cracked up. In this scene, the TCs set the tempo for a fine episode in which they steal all their scenes from the self-involved opening-credits cast.

Speak of the devil, in walks Jeremy, who catches the tail end of Natalie's Olympic botulism or whatever it is she has. Jeremy tells everyone about the seder. Elliot says, "Me and Will are already there!" and they high-five each other, since we men of course high-five each other over every little thing. Jeremy invites the gentiles. Natalie points out her own non-Jewish status, of which Jeremy is of course aware, since he went out with her. Of course, he and Natalie have to bicker again about who broke up with whom, in dialogue so mind-bendingly annoying it made me long for the time when Natalie said she had Olympic fever. At least their bickering is less hateful then it used to be, although Natalie has earned herself the role of Evil Pharaoh. Everyone seems fairly intrigued at the idea of doing the pageant, especially L'il Kim, who has the role of Pharaoh's assistant "Maggie." Natalie does some more bouncing about while I avert my eyes.

Dana walks into the newsroom and yells something at the assemblage of >TCs (so that's where Natalie gets it). Casey gets her attention and then hems and haws about what his damn problem is, but she doesn't seem to care all that much anyway. I can relate. I called Sars to ask her if I really had to recap Casey's plotline this week because it was really lame. Sars didn't seem to care all that much either:

SARS: What. What is it.
DANIEL: Hey. Casey's plotline sucks this week, do I have to recap it?
SARS: For this you call me? [to someone else] Yes, right there. That's it. Right there.
DANIEL: He's having a moral dilemma about submitting his Top Ten Movie list to his neighbourhood video store.
SARS: This doesn't sound like something I care about . . . [to someone else] Aaaaah. That's right.
DANIEL: That's what I mean.
SARS: No, I mean I don't care about your dilemma over recapping Casey's dilemma. You're a recapper. So recap it. Don't call again. I only get Jorge an hour a week. You're interrupting. [Click.]

So as I was saying, Casey explains that the video-store guy was hoping Casey would submit his Top Ten Movies that he could put it up on the wall. Casey sulks because it appears he doesn't have Dana's undivided attention, which she concedes, somehow without laughing at the idea that this problem requires her undivided attention. Dana snidely suggests Casey rents Caddyshack all the time, and I'll thank her to leave Caddyshack out of this. Casey pretends he rents La Dolce Vita (as if). He says he doesn't want to do the list. "Then don't," says Dana sensibly. For Casey, it's an issue of credibility, which I'll admit is a reasonable consideration, except Casey loses a lot of points with me for being unable to simply say "no," thus foisting this storyline on us. He keeps blah blahing about it until Dana says she doesn't care and that she would give everything she has for her biggest problem to be Casey's ego, which he thinks is a little harsh. She tells him to go make up with Dan, and he tells her to leave him alone and storms off, so I hope Dana remembers to try that tactic again to get him to shut up in the future. Except, of course, Casey comes back to say that if he did do the list, it would be a damn good one. Dana wants to know how many Rocky movies he'd include. One through three, says Casey, and Dana laughs and says, "Not four and five?" and I don't think anyone who's seen these installments would even have to ask that question (the fourth one had its moments, but five? Hoo-wee! Five was like dookie in the street; it just sat there and stank).

Casey leaves. He and Dan pass in the hall. Dan tells Casey he's done most of the AL East. The two of them appear awkward with each other, but not at all antagonistic, which did my heart good. Casey turns to go, and Dan tells him about the seder and invites him. Casey says he doesn't think so, since he has stuff to do. Dan, obviously disappointed but doing his best to pretend it doesn't matter, says, "Just asking," and walks away, his stiff upper lip quivering. Commercials.