Kyle Whitaker's Got Two Sacks

As this episode opens, Natalie is zipping around dropping off various papers to various people as the show is just about to go live. At the desk, Casey is being fixed up by the fluffers and calls for Jeremy because he doesn't have the shot sheet for the Phoenix game. Jeremy says it should be in there, but Casey says it isn't. Jeremy says "hang on" and starts rifling through his stuff. Casey gets a little more agitated about not having the shot sheet, and Jeremy gets a little more frantic looking for it. "Did not see the Phoenix game, could not tell you about it without I have a shot sheet," says Casey, and I really hope his ESL classes work out for him.

Jeremy runs into the newsroom and yells, "Who's seen Corbin Davis?" but of course the extras are not allowed to respond. Then Jeremy asks if anyone at least saw the Phoenix game. Again, no one says anything. "Nobody, thank you for all your help," says Jeremy and runs on out of there, leaving a little smoke cloud that looks just like him.

Back at the desk, Casey says, "It's not like I couldn't do it without the shot sheet." Without even looking up, Dan says, "Please don't start." Casey continues, saying it's the same as play-by-play, which it isn't, not quite, and Dan tries in vain to put a stop to this madness by saying "dude." But Casey, despite Dan saying "dude," says, "I can do it." "No, you can't," says Dan, finally looking at him. "I got nervous that time," says Casey. "Yes, you did," says Dan. In the control room, more lingo that means they are getting ever closer to going live. Through the back window we see Jeremy still running. Dana enters the control room, giddy and wearing pink. "Two sacks my little brother got tonight!" she says, waving a piece of paper around. "Sacked the quarterback on Monday Night Football, not once, but twice," and I wonder what really obscure, but apt, reference Dennis Miller would make about it. Natalie continues to do Dana's job in addition to her own as Dana brags about her little brother. "That's Whitaker blood," says Dana. "Good blood," says Natalie, and then Dana goes off for about half an hour on how excellent Whitaker blood is and it makes grown offensive linemen cry like little girls. Then Dana tells Elliot to stand where he is because she's going to sack him. "What?" says Elliot. And Dana goes into this gangly, knock-kneed three-point stance, which is probably the best three-point stance you're going to get while wearing a skirt.

In a production room, three guys we've never seen before are watching music videos. You can tell one of them is the head slacker because he's kicking back with his feet up. Jeremy busts in and asks this guy (Corbin Davis, apparently) where the shot sheet for Phoenix is. Corbin seems really confused. Jeremy shuts off the video and says, "Guys, we watch sports around here," and lunges for the door and runs out. I can understand his urgency, but he's too late, because back at the desk, Casey is already holding forth in that pompous voice of his, talking about calling the highlights without a shot sheet like in the "days of old." Dan says again that Casey can't do it. "Why not?" "No other reason than because it's you," says Dan. "What about the days of yore?" "I miss them too," says Dan. Jeremy runs up to the desk and says he's going to slide Phoenix to the fifties, super-speed the tape through and get it to them in the four-block. "Are you telling me it's not that we can't find the shot sheet, it's that nobody did the shot sheet?" says Dan incredulously. "Tell Dana," says Casey. "I'm really looking forward to that," says Jeremy, as he heads to the control room. Then Casey says, "Shot sheets are for wimps." This coming from a guy who cakes on the makeup every night.

In the control room, Dana gets off the phone and Jeremy tries to tell her about the shot sheet, but she brushes past him and heads out to the desk. "Casey, what do you know about Ohio?" she asks; he says, big surprise, "Nothing. What's going on?" "Something about football and drugs," she says. Casey sarcastically says that sounds unusual and is also sarcastically enthused when Dana tells him to come in early tomorrow and "work the phones." Walking back into the control room, Dana is again accosted by Jeremy, who tells her he's going to slide Phoenix to the fifties. "Stand there, I'm going to sack you," she says. Jeremy tells her he needs just a moment of her time, then she can go back to being crazy. Natalie senses that something is wrong and asks, "What's going on?" Jeremy starts to tell Dana that he's going to put together a shot sheet, but Dana gets called away by some Extra, so Natalie turns her nosiness beams on full, although I guess she is a producer, so it is her business. She already seems to know the problem and says, "You're firing him tomorrow." "Can we talk about it tomorrow?" says Jeremy. Natalie tells him Jeremy can plead his case tomorrow, she will tell him for the hundredth time why he is wrong tomorrow, and Jeremy will fire him tomorrow. Dana skips back in, giddily bragging again about her brother sacking the quarterback twice. Then she defines what a sack is, much to the annoyance of Jeremy, who is now grouchy. "He has excellent blood," says Dana. "Whatever," says Jeremy, as the two of them settle in for the show.

Dana says into the mic, "Casey, you got we're sliding Phoenix to fifty?" "I can call it blind," says Casey. Cut to a wide shot of the control room as everybody in unison looks up and says "no!" Casey whines about the lack of appreciation for the days of yore. Commercials. Now would be an excellent time to consider some major plot points so far revealed. Dana brags about her heretofore-unmentioned football-playing brother and his "excellent blood." Casey will be working on a story about football players and drugs. Hmmm. I wonder if -- oh, there's the door. Must be my Chinese food. Almond chicken, wonton soup, and foreshadowing fried rice. Mmmm. Tasty!

Back from commercials, Dana is asking Natalie permission to sack her. Mmmm. This rice is tasty! When Natalie won't let her, Dana says, "My brother can beat up your brother." "My brother is a grad student of comparative literature, my mother could beat up my brother." Heh. Dana, at a rare loss for words, looks around. The rest of the cast look away, probably hoping she won't brag about her brother some more, as the proud big sister has been known to do all episode. Casey walks in and tells everyone that "Jack Kaufman's wife" was brought in for questioning two days ago when a pharmacy in Columbus, Ohio, alerted local authorities. Seems an unusually large number of prescriptions were being written in her name for "fentermine." We learn (well, I learn, anyway) that it's a diet pill, and the "fen" in "phen-fen." "Is Mrs. Kaufman overweight?" asks Dana. "5'8", 114 pounds," says Casey. Uh, to be honest, I'd be a little more suspicious if she were getting all these diet pills and were still overweight, but never mind. Dana then expresses jealousy over the woman's weight. Well, isn't that just like a woman, eh, Sorkin? Casey, all down with the lingo, says Kaufman "rolled over" on the internist who's writing the "scrips." Did she turn in the players she was getting them for? Yes, although she was a "tough nut to crack." Is my use of quotation marks annoying anyone here? I promise I don't make "air quotes" with my "fingers" or anything like that. Nobody asks who the players are, although that would be my first question. Casey says there are also scrips for pendizone. "Oh, man," says Dana, sitting back in her chair, but Natalie doesn't know what it is, so Casey laterals to Jeremy, who might be the office pusher with his encyclopedia-like knowledge, who says the drug has been around for about a year and a half and is one of the world's most powerful oral anabolic steroids. Now we get around to the who, but Casey doesn't know. He says he has an off-the-record source backed up by another off-the-record source that says seven starters from one team are about to be suspended for the rest of the season, including playoffs. "Can we have it tonight?" asks Dana. "I'm on the plane to Ohio," says Casey. So they need a replacement for the desk. "Get Tina," says Danny. Natalie's head whips around far too quickly to not be painful. "Why Tina?" "Why not Tina?" "She's a woman." "I like women." "No kidding." "Tina's fine," says Dana, smiling a little. Casey gets up to leave but pauses to tell everyone that, "Last night? I could have called it blind." Everyone, in unison, says, "Go!" "I'm just sayin'," mutters Casey as he leaves.

As Jeremy leaves the meeting room, he is followed by Natalie, who sings, "Oh, Jerome!" Jeremy, annoyed, wants to know why she calls him that, and she says it's because it's his little-boy name, a little boy too scared to fire one of his people. "You think I'm scared?" says Jeremy. "Scared chicken!" says Natalie. Come on! I heard they said "shit" on Chicago Hope once; can we get a "shitless" over here, please? Natalie wants to know how often this guy can screw up before he gets canned. "This isn't a regular situation. He's related..." says Jeremy. "I know who he is," says Natalie, "and I'm telling you he's not up to the job, on top of which he has a bad attitude. Now go show him the door." Jeremy complains that she's been bossing him around a lot lately and has to be reminded that she is, in fact, his boss and we are reminded that on this show, no one is at all antsy about the possible consequences of sleeping with your boss. It must give all the up-and-coming producers under Jeremy real hope that there's any room for advancement as long as Natalie is calling the shots with her boy-toy at her side. Wait, Jeremy a boy-toy? Never mind, I'm clearly delirious.

Abby's office. Dan sits on the couch digging through a bowl of candy or something. Neither he nor Abby say anything for a while, until Abby says she's starting to feel the sessions are a waste of Dan's time and money. Dan says she's being a little hard on herself. "No, I'm being a little hard on you, Dan." Oh, it's the patient's fault he's not getting better. Dan says he doesn't feel his time is being wasted, although she does charge an awful lot of money -- $700 a month. Dan, in his inimitable style, says that for that much, he should get "the shrink, two rooms and a bath." Abby half-smiles. "Is it important to you that you get every attractive woman you meet to like you?" she asks. And of course we all know Dr. Babe is referring to herself here. Dan says it's important that the unattractive ones like him too. "Why?" asks Abby. "Don't you want people to like you?" says Dan. Abby says she does, and many do, and she doesn't worry about those who don't because many do. Dan says it's easy for her to say that because she looks the way she does. Okay, can we stop it with this "Dr. Abby as ethereal beauty" stuff here? I mean, she's cute, but she's not, I don't know, Jennifer Lopez or anything. ["If you think I'm touching that, think again." -- Sars] Abby asks Dan if he thinks that if he were better looking, he wouldn't have to work so hard to get people to like him. Dan says "no," but from Abby's question I don't know if it was an agreeing "no" or a disagreeing "no." "You think you're good-looking?" asks Abby. Oh, here we go. "I think I'm all right," says Dan. "'Course you do, you can't get over how good-looking you are," says Abby, making me laugh. She posits then that this "thing" (about needing people to like him) must come from inside him, and it's something so fundamentally bad that Dan thinks he has to overcome it or cover it up, lest the whole world run away from him, not unlike two other people Dan knows. He says she always comes back to his parents at the end of every session. "Session's over," says Dr. Punchclock. "What was the point of this?" asks Dan. "In the long run, to relieve you of the pressure of getting people to like you. In the short run, to tell you this: stop trying to get me to like you." He denies it, but she scolds him for flirting with her; she wants him to take this seriously. Uh, isn't his incessant flirting really a part of the problem here? I mean, I thought the point was that he can't help himself and that it's up to Dr. Babe to help him with this. I'm no doctor, but this seems kind of like an oncologist getting annoyed with a cancer patient and saying, "Stop having cancer so I can treat you." Anyway, Dan says he does take it seriously and that he wasn't flirting: "I'm a charming guy, it's not something I can control." Heh. You and me both, brother. Abby kind of sighs. Dan says they could end the whole thing if she'd just admit she likes him. "Not going to happen," says Abby. "I remind you that it is my money," he says. "And I want you to bear in mind that you're the patient, I'm the doctor, and you're in pain." Dan says he has no problem remembering that last part. As he leaves, he tells her to watch him on television tonight. When she asks why, he says, "You'll like me." She says she'll see him week. "That was a joke," he says. "You know what? It wasn't," she says. Commercials.

Dan is standing around watching a pretty girl go by and he doesn't say anything. Kim walks by, and he flags her down and says he wants to put her on alert. She looks a little concerned and asks what he means. "You know how ordinarily I flirt with you during the show?" She smiles and says, "Yeah?" He tells her he won't be doing that. She stops smiling and pouts slightly and says, "Okay." "It's not that I don't like you." "Okay." "Even more important, it's not that I don't want you to like me." "I do like you," says Kim, smiling. God love her. This isn't making it easier for Dan, who can't think of anything to say except, "Well, keep it up." Kim seems a little confused, but she says "okay" and walks away. Dan searches out my favourite, Allison, to break it to her gently that he won't be flirting with her, she shouldn't be alarmed, "it's just something I'm trying," he thinks it's important. "Okay," says Allison. Like water off a duck's back. I think the fact that Kim and Allison haven't responded by wailing and gnashing their teeth might make things worse for Dan. He gets ready to go on air, looking very nervous.

Dana and Natalie are walking through the newsroom, Natalie telling Dana that Casey just got off the plane. "I'm saying, why doesn't he have the names," says Dana. "They'll be faxed to him when he gets here," says Natalie. Oh, yeah, that makes a LOT of sense. Leaving the newsroom, Jeremy passes them coming into the newsroom, so Natalie detaches herself from Dana and follows Jeremy. "Oh, Jocelyn," says Natalie, since I guess he's no longer Jerome. "Please stop that," says Jeremy. "I'm assuming you fired him," says Natalie. "You know what? He's J.J.'s cousin," says Jeremy. "I could [sic] honestly give a damn," says Natalie. Jeremy asks if it's necessary to go out of her way to pick fights with the network. Natalie counters by asking if it's necessary for him to go out of his way to kiss their asses, which Jeremy denies he does. "It's their network, Natalie. We have to work with these people, and the special delight you and Dana take in..." Natalie cuts him off and says he doesn't know what he's talking about, but the way-out-of-proportion degree of incredulity in her voice leads me to believe he struck a nerve with that one. Jeremy says, "They keep us on the air when our ratings don't support it and their paycheques don't bounce." Natalie skewers Jeremy's sellout rationalization by saying she considers neither of those magnanimous gestures worthy of keeping someone on who almost cost them the show. Jeremy snorts, "Cost us the show, it was a hockey game."

Okay. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. To demonstrate my newfound hatred for Jeremy's stupidity, I will now transcribe all his dialogue as "blah blah blah." No, I guess I can't do that. Well, I'll think of something.

Anyway, Natalie reiterates that she wants Corbin gone and stupid dork Jeremy promises to do it during the first "c-break."