Fade up on Dan and Casey's office, where the two anchorknobs are standing pantsless and looking sheepish. They start jabbering at each other in one of those "here we are -- pantsless" conversations which for me usually signifies that the date's going really well. "We're two grown men, with important jobs, who are standing in our underwear," says Dan. Then he suggests that they sing a song. Casey's response is to pick up the phone and tell someone they could use a little wardrobe.
Dana is happily humming around the studio. She enters the control room, with last-minute preparations going on, but takes the time to ask Jeremy what he thinks. "About the camera?" he says. She says it's not just a camera, it's a "Soshi Sentak RTS-3," and she starts running down the specs, while Jeremy's biggest concern seems to be telling a bunch of people that "Stephon Marbury has four fouls." Finally he turns his attention to Dana and asks if she actually takes pictures or knows anything about cameras. "Not as such, no," admits Dana. "But you're thinking about buying one," says Jeremy. She is. As Dana takes her seat, Natalie comes in, and Dana tells her they need the first team in the studio. Natalie says they're working on it.
Meanwhile, the first team is still standing pantsless in their office, which I'm sure is just fine with any number of Sports Night's viewers. But now Dan is asking Casey whatever happened to his plan -- the plan to break up Gordon and Dana's engagement. Casey gets all shruggy as he admits there's not a plan, but feebly defends himself by saying it wasn't for lack of trying. "I think it was," says Dan. They bicker about it for a moment, with Casey insisting that he tried, and Dan pointing out that try or not, he has no plan, and me saying, "Do or do not, there is no try," except I can't remember if that comes from Yoda or Mr. Miyagi. Casey admits to not having any plan. Dan just stares out the office window, then asks Casey if he thinks the people across the street are looking at them in their underwear. Casey looks over his shoulder. "Yes, I do," he says. Big surprise, coming from Captain Ego.
In the control room, Dana asks Natalie where Dan and Casey are. Natalie explains that they're waiting for their pants. "Both their pants?" says Dana. "Was there an industrial accident?" Natalie explains that wardrobe is pressing the pants. Dana says they have no time and sends Kim to get them, saying they'll get them their pants at the first commercial break, which started me wondering why their pants even need to be pressed, since they're only shown waist-up anyway. Then Dana says none of this would be happening if she had her Soshi Sentak RTS-3, and her repetition of this phrase already has that blood vessel throbbing above my left eye.
Back in Dana and Casey's office, the two morons are still establishing that Casey has no plan. Dan asks if Casey knows what that means. "Sadly, I do," says Casey. Dan says it might be time for him to step in. Kim shows up. I wonder if either of them knows how much I would pay for a job where Kim is sent to my office, not only when I have no pants on, but precisely because I have no pants on. Hell, I'd just love a job where I didn't have to wear pants. Kim explains that they'll get their pants at the first c-break. Dan agrees, but says he'd be more comfortable if everyone took off their pants. Kim, who's wearing a dress, just rolls her eyes and marches the two of them through the newsroom, and they're struggling to look as dignified as anyone can while wearing only a shirt and tie, no pants, and black socks. Casey points out that it's the socks that really make the outfit work. "I was gonna say," says Kim, laughing.
In the control room, Jeremy comes in with the news that "Glen Rice is six for six from the arc," like, what's with the not-quite-NBA-superstar theme we've got going on here already? Dana says if they win, they'll go live to it. Then she starts in with the camera again, saying she considered the "Noshita Super 2000 LS-3," but decided that if she was going for a camera, she might as well go whole hog. "Since you don't know what you're doing anyway," offers Jeremy. "Exactly," agrees Dana. Natalie chimes in with the revelation that Dana had a hard time sleeping the night before. From that, Jeremy deduces that she read a mail-order catalogue featuring products she knows nothing about, not unlike me and my college roommates enjoying the Victoria's Secret catalogues that arrived at our house every month, which had been previously occupied by four women. Even better was the fact that my girlfriend at the time liked to order items from the catalogue, which may be responsible for the unrealistic girlfriend's-underwear expectations that I have to this day. Dana babbles on some more about product specs.
In front of the desk, the pantsless wonder boys are getting miked and ready to go on air. "Technically, I have a plan," says Casey. Dan asks what it is. "It's Napoleon's plan," says Casey. "Who's Napoleon?" asks Dan. Casey tells him Napoleon was a nineteenth-century French emperor. "You're cracking wise with me now?" says Dan, who was just now himself either cracking wise or asking a really dumb question, so maybe he should relax. Casey says that Napoleon's plan was a two-parter: "First we show up, then we see what happens." They sit down at the desk. "That was his plan," says Dan. Casey says yeah. "Against the Russian army," says Dan. Casey says yes again. Dan says that it's almost hard to believe Napoleon lost. Then Dan explains to Alison that since he and Casey are pantsless, she should either avert her eyes or take off her own pants. Oh, sure -- when he tries that, it's cute, but when I do it, it's all official reprimands and work probation. ["It's right there in your contract in black and white: 'No thongs.' What'd you expect?" -- Sars] "I'll avert my eyes," says Allison. That's my girl! Casey says she should know that he plays squash three times a week and his calves have been called "shapely." Fortunately, Allison is not swayed. Dan tells Casey that he's going to step in. Casey doesn't want him to, but Dan says the discussion is closed. Then, almost as an afterthought just before they go live, Dan asks Casey who's been calling his calves shapely. Casey says his mother has. "'Kay," says Dan, without changing expression, "don't talk to me for the rest of the show." Heh! They go live.
The day, Dan and Casey are walking through the newsroom, with Dan saying to Casey, "In the interests of full disclosure." That's all he says. Casey calls it lame. Dan says it isn't lame, and it's also right. Casey says he thinks it's simultaneously wrong and lame, and maybe in keeping with the level of this discussion, he should add, "Infinity." Dan tries to talk some more, but Casey says it's none of his business, whatever it is that they're talking about. Dan says it is, and it's right (meaning honorable) and it's the high road and blah blah blah, while Casey calls it the lowest of roads. Meanwhile, Casey checks with Elliot, who tells him that some guy signed a contract for five years and $34 million with the bonus and incentives. Anyway, Casey still isn't having any of what Dan's selling. "She's going to marry him, Casey," says Dan. Casey knows this. Dan says Casey has information she doesn't have. Casey obnoxiously points out that he graduated Phi Beta Kappa and that he has information most people don't have. "It's my cross to bear," he says smugly. "He slept with Sally," says Dan, "while he was dating Dana." Casey ignores him and asks Dan if Elliot said the contract was with or without incentives. Dan repeats what he just said about Gordon's affair with Sally and says it's information Dana should have, but Casey says no, and Dan says "in the interests of full disclosure" a couple more times. Casey asks again if the contract included incentives; Dan tells him it did, then asks why it would be wrong to tell Dana about Gordon's affair. "Doesn't seem very manly, does it?" says Casey. Dan tells him to do it in a deep voice. Heh. Except I think that if Casey was half the man he's pretending to be, he would have slugged Gordon after he admitted to cheating on Dana. Then Casey waves, which is supposed to demonstrate him waving from the high road. Dan points out again that Casey has no plan, and Casey again cites his "just show up and see what happens" plan because "it worked for Napoleon." Dan says it didn't, reminding Casey that Napoleon was defeated and later died in exile on the island of Elba. Casey says that Napoleon was murdered on Elba and adds that that's one example of information he has that most people don't. To counter that, I would like to point out that Casey is a jackass, which seems to be information everybody but Casey has. Dan realizes that Casey will not budge on this, and says he's incredibly frustrated with Casey. He decides to go look at some film, and his parting shot is that Casey has no plan. Casey responds by making yet another high-road reference.
In the conference room, Natalie is rearranging the rundown on index cards when Jeremy comes in, and we get another one of those scenes where one character (in this case, Jeremy) wants to talk to another character (in this case, Natalie) who is so busy doing something else that she is barely able to acknowledge him. Well, Natalie does ask Jeremy's advice on moving around a couple of segments. Anyway, Jeremy's concerned as he mentions a memo he happens to be holding about a company blood drive. He says "I can't do it" and "I can't give blood," and Natalie says "okay" and "that's fine" and she can't even look up from her index cards because, I'm guessing, it's not a big deal to her, even though Jeremy seems kind of anxious about it in that way that indicates he wants Natalie to ask him about it, and he reminds me of a friend I had in junior high who was always grimacing and wincing because of various aches and injuries, and he would keep groaning until you finally asked him about it, and then he'd tell you this really stupid story about stubbing his toe. I mean, it was never anything cool like running into a fence and ripping his stomach open or anything. But if you didn't ask him, his moans and groans would just get steadily louder until you'd tell him just to shut him up. Anyway. Jeremy, getting no attention paid to him, leaves as Dan comes in. Jeremy decides to try his luck with Dan instead and tells Dan he can't give blood, prompting a big ol' shrug from Dan. Did Jeremy think he was going to be shunned for this? "That's all I have to say," says Jeremy. "Well, you've given me a lot to think about," says Dan. Heh. Dan's there to talk to Natalie. She says hello and keeps on working. "I'm going to do something some people would consider wrong. I am not one of those people," he says. This seems to get her attention as she finally looks up. "What is it?" she asks, but Dan can't just tell her, because Sorkin has a whole twenty-two minutes to fill, so Dan starts rambling about how he thinks he's right because he feels it in his guts and blah blah blah and Natalie has to hurry him along. "About two months ago, Gordon spent the night with Sally," he finally says. "Who's Sally?" asks Natalie, rather cheerfully for someone who's just been told her best friend's fiancé cheated on her. Dan gives her a look, and Natalie realizes he's talking about Sally Sally. Dan tells her that Casey would prefer that Dana didn't know, so he's asking Natalie to be responsible with the information, but he can't even finish the sentence before Natalie yells, "Dana!" and stomps out of there. "'Course, it's entirely up to you," says Dan. But no one heard at all, not even the chair.
Dana's happily flipping through a camera catalogue. She strolls into the control room, where Jeremy is explaining, sort of, his aversion to donating blood. "It's not that I wouldn't like to, it's just that I can't." Then he says again that it's all he has to say about it. Would that it were so. And I wish Dana would shut up about the damn camera already, as she starts blabbing about something else she's thinking of getting, a strobe with "style outlets" and a "built-in photo cell." Jeremy asks if she knows what it is and she says no, but she's going to get one because she owes it to herself. Natalie comes in, saying she needs to talk to Dana. Jeremy breaks the news that he hasn't changed his mind about donating blood, but Natalie distractedly tells him not to sweat it. She corrals a babbling Dana and leaves the room, leaving Jeremy to tell the TCs that he's pretty much made up his mind, and not even the line-starved TCs bother to say anything.
Outside, Natalie tells Dana that she has to cancel her wedding plans. Dana, not taking Natalie seriously, tells her she's only been engaged two days and hasn't made any wedding plans. Natalie tells her she needs to call off the engagement and give back the ring. Dana says she doesn't have the ring yet; Gordon's giving it to her at lunch. "You have to cancel lunch," says Natalie, like GET TO THE POINT ALREADY. Dana asks her what's going on, and Natalie tells her that Gordon slept with Sally a couple of months ago. Suddenly concerned, Dana asks who told her, but Natalie says she can't say. Dana asks her how they know, and Natalie says she doesn't know. Dana, steeling herself, says she doesn't believe it, and will ask Gordon about it at lunch. She's reassuring Natalie here, and you almost believe that she's not worried. Natalie says she didn't think Dana would be so calm, and Dana admits that she's surprised by it too. She tells Natalie again that she'll ask Gordon about it at lunch. Dave calls for her, and Dana heads back into the control room. "I really wouldn't think I'd be this calm," she says to herself, but the look on her face as she closes the door behind her says a lot more than she does.
Later, it looks like the Tony's set has been converted into a more-upscale-restaurant set. Dana has her new ring on her finger and is acting more like one of those airheads from Friends as she waves her hand around, looking at the ring -- although, to be fair, she's clearly nervous. Gordon asks her what's wrong, saying she's been strange all through lunch. She counters that she's been strange all her life, which was a pretty good line. But she comes right out with it: "Did you have an affair with Sally Sasser?" Remind me, if I'm ever asked a question like that, not to react like the clearly guilty Gordon does here. Well, actually, I was asked that question once. Not about Sally Sasser, but you know what I mean. And lucky for me, it was over the phone, so she couldn't see me start to sweat and I was able to lie about it. Gordon asks if Casey told her. Dana is taken aback to find out that a) it's true and b) Casey has something to do with it. Gordon wants to know who told her, and Dana tells him it isn't important, that other things are becoming more important. At this point, an idiot waiter comes over and asks if he can tell them about their dessert specials. Dana politely says no, but idiot waiter starts going on about the chef's pecan pie. Dana declines a little more forcefully. Then the actor playing the waiter decides to gay it up a little and leans forward and says conspiratorially, "One plate, two forks..." Dana says, "Seriously, I'll kill you." Gordon steps in, possibly saving the waiter's life. The waiter makes himself scarce, and then there's much looking, as Dana and Gordon stare at each other. Gordon apologizes, then follows it up with the old excuse that it happened during a tough time in their relationship, when he thought they were through. Then he says his life is flashing before his eyes, and then "this is not something to blow this over" and "I want to marry you." And all the while, Dana stares at him. Then she ponders Gordon's repeated assurances that he wants to marry her, and finally she says "yeah." Gordon's rather relieved, and starts to say something, but Dana interrupts him with, "How would Casey know?" He's confused, and she reminds him that he thought Casey had told her, so she wants to know how Casey would know. Gordon feebly tries to say it's not important. Dana presses him, and he tries to make light of it. "This part's funny, actually," he says. Please also remind me that if I'm ever caught cheating on my girlfriend, not to begin any part of the confession with "this part's funny, actually." Gordon says that about a week before he slept with Sally (which he refers to as "my liaison with Sally," and the reasons for punching Gordon in the face just keep piling up), Casey slept with Sally, left behind his shirt, et cetera. We all know what happened. Notice Dana not breaking into guffaws over how hilarious that is. She's visibly more upset than when Gordon confessed his, um, liaison. Gordon says it would never have happened if they were married. See? What'd I tell you? Judd Nelson in St. Elmo's Fire! Anyway, Dana says she believes him, and Gordon's all "really?" and she says "yes" and he kisses her hand profusely.
Later on, Jeremy has been reduced to whining about the blood donor thing to Sally, and she somehow avoids sleeping with him here. In fact, she can barely be bothered to pay attention to him. They're in an editing room, and Sally's looking at tape. "Look at this, there's no one on the perimeter," she says, with just a hint of disgust. I wish there were a woman in my life who could say that with authority. Sars is the closest, but all she does is blah blah about baseball, and it's always "Yankees" this and "Jeter" that. ["At least the team I blah blah about isn't getting contracted, buster." -- Sars] Anyway, Jeremy is explaining that it's not the needle he's having trouble with, and then, under absolutely no pressure from Sally, he breaks down and admits that it's a little bit the needle. Then Dana comes in, and Jeremy goes crazy, assuming she's here to berate him for not donating blood. "I could honestly care less," says Dana, and I don't want to get into a discussion over whether she should have said "could care less" or "couldn't care less," okay? She said what she said.
Jeremy banished, Dana cuts right to the chase and says to Sally, "Did you sleep with my fiancé and then sleep with my anchor?" and she's sort of wasting time since she pretty much knows this happened. Sally takes offence at what she calls an "abrupt and impolite" question. Dana demands an answer. "I'm not prepared to stipulate that the answer to that question is any of your business," says Sally. Okay, when it comes to the anchor part, I agree. But I think it's safe to say that it is Dana's business when it comes to who sleeps with Gordon. Dana tells her to cut the crap, adding that this isn't a Noel Coward play. I wish I knew Noel Coward well enough to make a witty remark here. Sally stands up, dwarfing Dana, and points out that she's not her enemy and not on her staff, so she should reconsider her tone. Dana apologizes, and my hopes that they're going to rip each other's clothes off in a fight are fading fast. Still, Dana lays into Sally with all the anger and vitriol that she really should have unleashed on Gordon, despite Sally's protests that Gordon had told her they'd broken up. Sally decides she doesn't want to be scolded, and heads for the door. "I don't like territorial women, Sally," yells Dana, and Sally snarks that they probably won't be sharing a ride to the prom, then. And Dana brings up the fact that the organization is in trouble, and Sally "deliberately and maliciously" went out of her way..."To sleep with your boyfriend and your anchor?" finishes Sally. Dana says yes. Sally tells her she didn't have to go out of her way to "do either one," and I wonder if that's an intentional pun, because it's a pretty good one. Sally's about to lay into Dana for seeing Sally's personal life as an act of aggression when Dana abruptly says that Sally's right. Sally's a little taken aback as Dana, near tears, apologizes for coming in and attacking her. "Aren't I pathetic?" says Dana. Sally says she isn't. Then Sally gently says that Dana's not upset because Sally slept with Gordon; Dana's actually upset because Sally slept with Casey. This seems to hit Dana close to home, but she denies it, asking why she should care, since it was just one night. Sally tells her it was just one night with Gordon. Surprised, Dana asks how many times it was with Casey. Sally breaks the news that her liaison with Casey has been going on for the past two months. Dana's stunned. Then Sally starts explaining that her relationship with Casey mainly consists of late-night booty calls, and Dana tries to say that it's none of her business, but it's too late to stop Sally, who just now admits that Casey doesn't like her that much. And now the scene has done a complete 180, as Dana is now comforting Sally. Dana scoots off, leaving Sally staring through the window after her.
Meeting room. Natalie's STILL shuffling coloured index cards around. Dan comes in, says he's been thinking, and announces that he doesn't think Natalie should tell Dana about Gordon sleeping with Sally. Uh, wasn't he there when Natalie immediately started screeching for Dana? I guess that's forgotten, as Natalie reveals to Dan that she already told Dana, and she outlines the domino effect that resulted. Natalie gathers up her index cards and stomps off, pissed at Danny since he's supposed to share information, but he didn't say anything about Gordon and Sally or Casey and Sally. Natalie calls it an "understanding" that they have, then says, "When the dust settles on this thing, you know what you're going to have to get?" Dan says, "Punishment?" "A little punishment," says Natalie, leaving Dan looking forlorn in the middle of the newsroom, maybe wondering what he hath wrought.
Like a dead man walking, he enters his office, where Casey is working. Casey starts listing all the aspects of the contract he and Elliot were discussing earlier, which apparently includes lots of targets for at-bats, walks, et cetera. "I'd try my best," says Casey, like, no kidding, that's why those clauses are called "incentives," you moron. Dan just kind of goofily agrees with Casey, standing in front of the desk until Casey asks him what's up. "I don't know quite how to say this, but things have changed since we last spoke," says Dan. Without looking up from his work, Casey asks him what kind of things. Dan asks Casey if he remembers that he didn't want anyone to know about Gordon and Sally. Casey looks up, suddenly aware that this is serious. "That's not so much the way it is anymore," says Dan. "I see," says Casey. Then Dan says that people not knowing about Casey and Sally is a "thing of the past" as well. Before Casey can explode, Dan offers as a solution that they "live in the now" and accept that these things have happened. Casey proposes that he kick the crap out of Dan, and for once he looks mad enough to follow through on that. "You told Dana?" asks Casey. Dan explains that he told Natalie, and Natalie told Dana. "Oh boy, who would have thought?" says Casey sarcastically. Dan runs down the chain of events after that as Casey simmers. Dan then gets up enough courage to say that Casey doesn't always get to decide the high road, that once in a while Dan makes a call on his own. Casey then calls Dan a "woman" and says he should stick him under a hairdryer. Okay, I'm not sure exactly what the second part of that means. As for the first part, from time to time when a friend is leaving the bar without drinking enough beer during Monday Night Football, I have been known to remind him not to forget his purse, so if Sars wants to express some indignation at Casey's sexism, I'm all for it. ["Meh. I could do without the implication that women can't keep secrets, but I don't know that it's even germane to the discussion." -- Sars]
Then Dana storms in and shouts, "You are a sleazy, slimy, adolescent, oversexed, overpaid blowhole!" Pause. Then Dan asks who she's talking to. Ha! No time for jokes, though; Dana tells him to get out. Dan tries to offer Casey some advice, but Casey also tells him to get out. Once he's gone, Casey says, "Yes?" All Dana says is "Well," and then she leaves. Casey follows her, demanding to know when he started needing her permission to have a social life. Now Dana wants him to lower his voice, since she doesn't want his "tawdry tales of office lust" infecting her newsroom. She's passing Elliot and Kim as she says this, who then inform Casey that they want to hear the tawdry tales. Casey tells Dana he doesn't think she has any right to be upset at this. She asks why he was keeping it a secret, then. He says he thought that even though she didn't have a right to be upset, she would be. "Sally?" says Dana, incredulous. "Sally?" Casey tries to explain, but Dana won't let him, saying she has to go buy a camera. "Since when do you take pictures?" he asks. "Starting now," she says. Casey looks really confused (and I can't say I blame him) as Dana angrily sputters about the camera she's buying, then stomps off in one direction before realizing she has to stomp off in another direction.
Later, Casey, in a shirt and tie, says, "This is happening way too often." Pull back to reveal Dan and Casey in their office, pantsless once again. Dan tells Casey that he's probably just getting caught in the crossfire of Dan's punishment. Casey asks who's punishing him, and Dan explains Natalie's indignation at not being informed of the Sally shenanigans and says she's probably withholding their pants. Casey says Dan's a lot of fun to share an office with today, and Dan admits that it's not been one of his best days. Casey agrees.
In the control room, Dana wants to know why the guys don't have their pants again. Natalie says, "Because someone forgot to share," which I thought was pretty funny. Dana again dispatches Kim, who seems to be expected to spring into action whenever guys don't have their pants on. Meanwhile, Jeremy is demanding of the TCs that he not be judged for not wanting to give blood, even though no one has done anything of the sort. This plot has gone nowhere, and I guess normally this is the sort of thing that would have been resolved through a heart-to-heart talk with Isaac, so I guess Jeremy's screwed. Dana tries to shut him up by asking him his opinion on film. Jeremy says she should definitely try some; he's sure she'll see a difference. His sarcasm seems weird for a guy so desperate for everyone's approval this episode.
Back to the boys' office, where they're looking out the window at the alleged gawkers in the building opposite. Kim shows up, telling them they'll get their pants at the c-break. Again they trudge pantsless through the newsroom. Dan compliments Casey's boxers, and Casey tells him to shut up.
Outside the control room, Natalie interrogates Jeremy. She asks him if he knew anything about all of this, but Jeremy doesn't know what she's talking about. She tells him she's talking about Gordon and Casey and Sally. "I don't even know about it now," he says. "But you know about sharing," says Natalie. Jeremy says he does. "And punishment," says Natalie. Jeremy says he does. Satisfied, Natalie goes back into the editing room, leaving a befuddled Jeremy in her wake.
Out at the desk, Dan informs Allison and her makeup team that Casey's feeling blue, so they could cheer him up by complimenting his underwear. "It's plaid!" says Allison, looking at Casey's lap. Hey, Allison, the D-Train also wears plaid boxers...
Over the intercom, Dana tells the boys they're going to do the first two blocks without their pants. "Casey, you should feel right at home," she says, which was pretty funny.
Dan's theory is that Casey isn't actually mad at him, and Casey's smirk seems to confirm that. "Look, it's your plan," says Dan. Bingo. "We just showed up," says Casey. "Now, we see what happens."
Well, what happens is that the boys go live as we slowly pan the editing room, culminating in a zoom on Dana as she stares directly, creepily, in to the camera, but I think Casey meant what happens in the episode, the season finale.