This episode opens with the "five minutes to air" warning and Dan and Casey are getting ready, and Dan announces he has some good news: "From now on, I’m not Dan, I’m not Danny, I’m Daniel." Okay, stop it right there. I hope I didn’t just hear I think I heard. Dan is now Daniel? We get some long-winded explanation about how when Dan joined the union, there already was a Daniel Rydell, but that guy has since died, and Dan shows a little too much glee about finally being able to inherit the "Daniel." I mean, I agree that it’s extremely special and all to be called Daniel, but I find it hard to believe that this union has some rule against having two or more people with the same name. ["The Screen Actors Guild does, but I don’t know whether a broadcaster would belong to that union." -- Sars] Second of all, has Dan considered all the ramifications of the name change? I’m sure as Dan or Danny he has been saddled with a variety of nicknames, including, but not limited to: Danny Boy, Dano (as in, "Book ‘em, Dano"), Danny Bonaduce, Dan the Man, occasionally Dan the Man with the Plan, and once, bizarrely, Dan the Man with the Plan on the Street with the Beat and I still don’t even know what the hell that was supposed to mean. I can’t even count the number of times someone has started singing to me, "Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling," and then cracked up as if they are the first person in history to think of something so clever. Even the name "Daniel" isn’t immune to nickname-ification, since you constantly are subjected to horrifying Pat Morita impressions by people calling you "Daniel-san," as if comparing me to Ralph Macchio will endear you to me.
Anyway. Danny repeats again, "I’m Daniel," and I have to say that obviously the Sports Night writers are now checking out Mighty Big TV and this is a big shout-out to me from ABC. The Anchor Twins greet Jeremy, who is getting off the phone, and Dan tells Jeremy, "I’m Daniel now," like welcome to my world, Dan, and Jeremy says he was on the phone with some woman whose name he can’t remember now, which is weird, but then we realize it’s a contrived setup so Dan can say, "Was it Daniel?" No, it wasn’t me calling to announce my displeasure at this subplot that might be an attempt to fight back against MBTV, like GOOD LUCK. You guys don’t scare me. Jeremy says it was a publicist at a cosmetics company that is promising them "five minutes with MJ." Five minutes with Moose Jaw? Now I KNOW this episode is a big ol’ shout-out to me. But no, for the purposes of this episode, MJ apparently stands for Michael Jordan, so let’s all suspend our disbelief that either "Sports Night" the SportsCenter wannabes or Sports Night the ABC show carry enough clout to earn a guest spot from Michael Jordan. Anyway, the fact that it was a publicist from a cosmetics company finally sets off some alarm bells, and Dan figures out that Jordan has a new cologne coming out. The Anchors decide they don’t care and they’re happy Jordan called them, except Dan doesn’t think Casey looks especially happy, and Casey says he is, just that he has some concerns.
Now the boys are coming up on Natalie in the corridor and Dan puts his arm around her and asks her what she thinks of "Daniel Rydell," and I really wish Sports Night would drop this already. Natalie asks him if he’s starting to refer to himself in the third person, which she thinks is "awfully annoying," and I agree, and Natalie also thinks it’s annoying when people change their pronunciation "midstream," like when "Tony DOR-sett" becomes "Tony Dor-SETT." What I think is a lot more common is journalists who make assumptions about pronunciation and spelling (not just sports journalists, though) and don’t bother to double-check names, and therefore incorrect names become common usage and really difficult to correct. Exhibit A: Hakeem Olajuwon, who for the longest time was "Akeem" Olajuwon, basically because he was too polite to correct anyone. Or Dominik Hasek, which was pronounced "Hah-sick" initially and suddenly became "Hah-shick" when someone probably guessed that maybe this Czech name wasn’t pronounced exactly the way it’s spelled. Anyway, really bizarrely, Natalie goes off on Prince for not being content to be called by one "pretentious" name in a lifetime, now she has to learn to "draw the symbol for boron." Okay: 1) She better not be going off on my man Prince. 2) Let me check the copyright date on the album that introduced the Symbol to the world. Hmmmm. 1992. Isn’t that interesting. EIGHT YEARS AGO. Get over it, Natalie. Besides, everyone knows he is now known as simply The Artist. 3) Maybe Natalie would like to explain just how often a sports show producer needs to draw the symbol for Prince. 4) You know what’s worse than referring to oneself in the third person and changing the pronunciation of one’s name? How about frustrated stand-up comics working material into whatever show they happen to be writing for to pay the rent, especially when it’s such stale, dated, irrelevant-to-the-show, and, worst of all, UNFUNNY material. 5) Natalie appears to have some boron up her ass for no reason I can tell, except maybe that she never gets any good plots anymore. 6) Shut up, Natalie.
Just when I’m about to give up on this episode, we learn that Sam Donovan is coming in tonight, which isn’t a surprise, since we saw William H. Macy in the "coming up" scenes from last week, but still, cool! Casey likes Sam because "he drives Dana crazy." Danny asks Casey what his concerns were that he mentioned earlier. Casey says that he has to go to Charlie’s class to make a presentation, only he says it "pree-sentation" but no one in the audience would notice since everybody is at this point saying, uncomprehendingly, "Char . . . lie?" before remembering, "Oh yeah, Charlie, Casey’s Son And Occasional Plot Device." Casey has no idea what he’s going to demonstrate. Dan non-reassuringly says, "He’s ten, Casey, he’s going to be mortified by you no matter what." Casey says, "Thanks, Dan," and Dan corrects him, "Daniel," and Casey tells him to shut up, which I think is ABC subtly telling me to shut up but I! Will! Not! Be! Silenced! This plotline is ridiculous. I’m willing to bet there was once an ABC After-school Special about a kid who was worried about the upcoming Parent Day since his dad’s a janitor and doesn’t have a cool job like the popular kid Charlie whose dad hosts a sports show or something. And the janitor’s son doesn’t want to tell his dad about Parent Day because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. But the dad finds out anyway and shows up and is totally cool and all the kids love him and his son realizes he doesn’t have to be ashamed of his dad. And then the janitor’s son gets called over for the first time in the recess game of Red Rover. If I were Casey, I’d be way more worried about my kid recognizing me instead of being embarrassed by me.
In the control room, Jeremy and Natalie are talking about Jordan’s new cologne. Jeremy says the publicist faxed him the press kit, as if the press kit could just be faxed over and didn’t also include a promotional video, still photos, and samples to win over the journalists. Just last week I received a violin case from Johnson’s with a card that said, "A Symphony of Skin Care," and it contained facial cleanser, body wash, and facial wipes, and I admit the violin case impressed me, so I took it home. After playing basketball at the Y, I decided to take a bath, since I used to soak after games in high school, and I thought that body wash worked like bubble bath, so I squirted some in, and it foamed some, but not really enough for a bath, but now I had my heart set on a bath so I squirted in some Sunlight cleanser that was in the kitchen (the green "Apple Blossom" kind) and that worked fine. I’m just saying that I have seen many press kits and if Jordan’s publicist can just fax over the press kit, Jordan needs a new publicist.
Dana comes bustling in and asks, "Is he here?" meaning Sam. She’s very tense and tells everyone to start the show, so Natalie points out they’re still ninety seconds from air. Dana doesn’t care. "Start the show!" she orders, and Natalie insists they can’t, and Dana concedes that she might be right. Hands up, all those who think the metamorphosis of Dana from plucky, strong-willed executive producer into spastic, scatter-brained harridan is a positive evolution. Dana’s worried Sam will mess with the rundown. Natalie tells Dana not to let Sam make her crazy, as if that particular ship hasn’t already sailed. Dana insists she’s not "letting" him, that he is doing it all by himself. Jeremy tells her about the exclusive interview with Michael Jordan, and by "exclusive interview" I mean "PR sham." "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" snaps Dana and steers the conversation back to Sam breezing in and out of various cities and always right before the show and always tweaking the top of the rundown. Natalie tells Dana Sam’s got her psyched out, which Dana denies, but as she denies it, she grips Dave’s shoulder so hard I was surprised her fingers didn’t actually tear into his flesh.
Sam comes in. Woo hoo! Everyone seems happy to see him, except Dana, who says "welcome back" and "welcome back from England" in what I think was supposed to be an English accent, but sounded Irish if it sounded like anything at all, which it didn’t, really. Dana makes a snide comment about the need for a ratings consultant in England "in the dog-eat-dog world of the BBC." Sam picks up a clipboard and says, "How’s the rundown?" which lights Dana’s fuse, and she says, "The rundown’s fine," and Sam says, "It looks good," and Dana says, "What do you want to change?" all passive-aggressively. Sam says he doesn’t want to change anything and Dana calls him a liar, I guess aggressive-aggressively. She accuses him of always changing the top of the rundown at the last second just to see everybody scramble. Sam says he doesn’t do that, and Dana says, "Not this time, my British friend!" even though he’s from Philadelphia. Sam suggests Dana is a little psyched out and that maybe Natalie should run the show, which Natalie thinks is a good idea. I think Sam and Natalie are in cahoots! Well, I don’t really, but I like using the word "cahoots." Dana says she’s running the show, Sam’s not going to change the rundown (grabbing the clipboard), and she calls Sam "King George" in a reference to crazy old King George III, as in The Madness of King George, who incidentally founded my university in 1789, so this is yet another shout-out to me and they might as well go ahead and rename tonight’s episode "Shout-out to Daniel the Recapper" and get it over with. Dana announces she herself is changing the rundown, even though they are thirty seconds to air. Then she says a bunch of nonsensical industry-esque jargon and everybody stares at her until she snaps, "Do it!" and chaos erupts, everybody talking at once, shouting, changing the order. Sam watches the Madness of Queen Dana with a big grin on his face. As things calm down, Dana says, "Okay, that is exactly what you wanted me to do, isn’t it." Sam stares her down. Dana, suddenly unsure, says, "Go back. Go back!" and pandemonium again erupts with people barking orders again and it’s too bad they can’t just hit command-Z to undo. Dana says to Sam, "You’re having a really good time, aren’t you?" Sam says, "Yes. It’s good to be back," and he leaves the control room, smiling. There is something I love about William H. Macy, and it’s that he KICKS ASS.
, Casey is still wondering what to do for Charlie’s class and thinks that he’s good with his hands, so maybe he could build something. Dan points out that Casey is not in fact good with his hands. Blah blah blah for awhile. Danny suggests making a loaf of bread, but Casey doesn’t know how, so Dan tells him to fake it: "You sprinkle some flour, you pound some dough, ‘hey, look over there!’ you pull a loaf of Wonder out from under the desk." Dan is the least helpful friend in the history of friendship. And in the history of helping. I have a new name for him, and it rhymes with boron.
Dan and Casey enter the production meeting, where Jeremy is already engaged in the "Jeremy Rattles Off Some Useless Info" portion of tonight’s episode, and he’s reading the description of Jordan’s new cologne, which I won’t bother to transcribe. "They know we’re a sports show, right?" Dana suggests preparing some questions. Dan: "When you were growing up in North Carolina, did you ever just breathe the air and think, ‘I’m going to bottle this and make 250 million dollars’?" Dana says she means basketball questions. Natalie, reading further ahead in the press kit, says that there aren’t going to be any basketball questions. Turns out the publicist accidentally faxed over a sheet of tips on how to keep the interview on the subject of cologne. Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os! "We must be cautious or the media will spin the interview onto an entirely different topic -- sports -- and ignore our product. Let’s do our best to steer the conversation back to cologne," reads Dana. Then she asks, "We’re going to be talking about cologne for five minutes?" Casey and Dan assure her it will be fine. "We’re interviewers, Dana, we conduct the interview," says Dan. "Do you think we’re going to be outfoxed by Michael Jordan?" Dana thinks they will. Dan insists, "We have media skills we can utilize. [To Casey] Right?" "Sure," says Casey. "Really?" says Dan. Hell, you guys were outfoxed by the Cut Man, so I’m not all that confident. Sam pipes up, "Forget basketball," and says to let Jordan talk about whatever he wants since the interview is worth 2.5 share points. "Well tally-ho, Sam," says Dana. "I didn’t know you were with us." Sam says he’s there to help if they need him. Dana tells him they don’t. "Too late," says Sam, standing up and taking charge. Did I mention William H. Macy kicks ass? Because he does. Sam suggests setting up a practice interview with someone pretending to be Jordan and trying to throw off Dan and Casey. "A practice interview?" sneers Dana. "You honestly think that’s going to help?" "Yes," says Sam. "Don’t you?" Dana pauses, and admits she does as well. Silence in the room as everybody contemplates the idea of Dana agreeing with Sam. She dismisses the gang and everyone gets up to go, but Casey explains about the pree-sentation to Charlie’s class and "as it turns out, I really have no demonstrable skills." The rest of the crew struggles to remember who this Charlie person is, and I’d like to point out that earlier Casey said the pree-sentation was in a few hours, but here he’s saying it’s tomorrow, and I don’t think that’s an insignificant detail since it touched off a supposedly comic exchange between Dan and Casey about whether Casey could learn to do something in three hours. Anyway, Casey asks everyone for suggestions. Dana says, "Well, your head is a perfect rectangle, maybe that’ll impress the kids," which had me laughing well into the scene. The best part is, it’s true! Heh. Rectangle. Everybody laughs at Casey as they leave the meeting, like thanks for all the suggestions, assholes.
Isaac is reading a magazine as Dana comes into his office. He’s reading about the colonization of space with bio-engineered animals like squid that will propel themselves with space fuel and will be comparable to horses and mules in the settling of the West. Dana really isn’t interested in this at all and is trying to tell Isaac about the problem with the Jordan interview. "I can see myself out there, sitting alone by the fire, a space squid my only companion," says Isaac. Finally, he lets Dana talk about Jordan; he already knows that they’ll want to talk about cologne. Dana wants to know if they should book the interview, knowing that Jordan’s been coached to bring the conversation back to cologne. "Absolutely," says Isaac. Dana is surprised. "Michael’s Michael, let him talk about what he wants," says Isaac, and Dana is aghast at the threat to the integrity of her little sports show and complains about running a five-minute infomercial. "You know," says Isaac, "just ten years ago, it would have been hard to imagine a black man selling cologne." And I think maybe his time frame is a little off there, I mean 100, 50, even 30 years ago, sure, but in 1990 Jordan was already a pretty savvy businessman so Isaac’s likening of Michael Jordan to the Rosa Parks or Jackie Robinson OF COLOGNE was kind of upsetting, especially when it comes from Isaac, and especially when you consider how he went off on Dan for Dan’s laughable comparison of himself to Rosa Parks in the very first episode. Dana calls him on it and says, "I’m not sure it’s a huge step forward." Isaac says, "I’ll take any step forward." Dana, defeated, starts to leave, but Isaac starts in on the article again: "They’re talking about bio-engineering animals and terraforming Mars. When I started reporting Gemini missions, just watching a Titan rocket lift off was a sight to see. Now they’re going to colonize the solar system." Dana asks if he’s obsessing about this. Isaac says yes. Dana asks why. Quietly, Isaac says, "Because I won’t be alive to see it." This gives Dana pause and she says, "Okay," and leaves. Isaac goes back to reading his magazine and looking at the pictures, but truthfully the screen started to get a little blurry and I was having trouble seeing straight as we went to commercial. More Isaac, please.
Then she sits down and says, "I don’t know what you’ve heard about me but I’m here to set the record straight and have the opportunity for a fresh start." You can almost smell the professionalism seeping out of her. Sam informs her that he hasn’t heard anything about her, which she can’t believe. "I was the one sleeping with Gordon," Sally classily tells Sam. "Who’s Gordon?" says a befuddled Sam. "Dana’s fiancé," says Sally. "I didn’t know that Dana was engaged," says Sam. "Well, she’s not anymore," says Sally. "‘Cause you were sleeping with her fiancé?" asks Sam. Reasonable question. "Yes, but really it was because I was sleeping with Casey, and Gordon knew that she was more upset that I was sleeping with Casey than she was that I was sleeping with Gordon." I feel dirty just listening to her. Sam has this "why in God’s name are you telling me this" look on his face. "Were you able to follow all that?" asks Sally. "No, but that’s just because I wasn’t paying attention," says Sam. Whenever I think William H. Macy is as ass-kicking as he’s going to get, he delivers a line like that and becomes even ass-kickinger. Sally, looking mildly embarrassed (yeah, right), says, "Anyway, I wasn’t sure what you’d heard." Sam shrugs and says, "I hadn’t heard anything." Sally stands up and says, "There’s a sense that I’m after Dana’s job." Sam asks if it’s true and Sally says, "Absolutely not," as if. Sam says, "Dana’s job is better than yours, isn’t it?" Heh. Sally says "yeah" and sits back down as Sam lists all the reasons why Dana’s job is better: "More people watch the 11 o’clock than the 2 AM. More responsibility. Makes more money." Each point Sally confirms. "Why aren’t you after Dana’s job?" asks Sam, not unreasonably. Sally’s kind of surprised and says, "Well, I’d like her job, but I’m not after --" Sam kind of nod-smiles. "My point is, I don’t sleep my way up the ladder and I just wasn’t sure what you’d heard." I bet on Sally’s resume, under "special skills," she has "I don’t sleep my way up the ladder," just so prospective employers don’t get the wrong idea right off the bat, before she starts sleeping with everyone. Sam shrugs and repeats that he hadn’t heard anything. Sally says again she doesn’t sleep her way up the ladder and turns to go. Sam, looking at her ass, says, "Too bad," not leeringly but thoughtfully, and it was pretty funny. Sally turns and says, "Sam," and Sam says, "Suzie," and Sally corrects him, "Sally," and Sam shrugs and says, "Okay." Ha ha! Sally was just worried whether this conversation was on the record. Sam says no. Then he says, laughing, "The good news is, an hour from now, I’m not even going to remember who you are!" She kind of laugh-smiles, but it’s clear that she doesn’t think that’s Good News at all. As she leaves, she wiggles her ass in that way that makes each cheek move up and down independently of each other. Sam watches her ass leave.
up, the practice interview! Which, contrary to what Sam and Dana think, will not be of any use whatsoever, since it is IMPOSSIBLE to know how an interviewee will respond to any given question and this practice interview serves no function at all except to have Natalie talk in a deep voice while Jeremy pouts about not getting to be Michael, and I guess this is payback for when Jeremy got to be Dorothy Hamill, and I have to say that I’m very impressed with Jeremy and Natalie’s abilities to switch gender roles willy-nilly. Jeremy and Natalie continue bickering with their sorry excuse for a storyline until Dana starts banging her head on the table, and I’m assuming she was disturbed by the sex life of these two with Jeremy as Dorothy Hamill and Natalie as Michael Jordan. I can’t even contemplate it. In the course of the pretend interview, Dan instructs "Michael" to call him "Daniel" in another shout-out to me, prompting Dana to bang her head on the table again. It’s only fair, since Dana often has this exact same effect on me. As this inanity continues, we realize that Kim’s Breasts are only required in these meetings in case the phone rings, which it does, so she answers it. Since the Sports Night writers are now obviously reading these recaps, could you please have someone refer to Kim by her first name so I can be sure that is in fact her name? I just had to guess by watching the credits last week but I’d like to know for sure. Anyway, Kim gets a lot of lines this scene, and she enunciates them very well. It takes a long time, but what happens is as follows: Sam wants to see Dana, she’s busy, he wants to see her now, tell him I’m busy, it’s not a request, it’s a command?, that’s the implication, is this Taming Of The Shrew?, he doesn’t get the reference. This causes Dana to get all excited at the prospect of throwing her Shakespearean knowledge in his face and skips off, even though anyone can guess this is just a ploy to get her to come. When she leaves, Jeremy apologizes to Natalie for being Dorothy Hamill. Natalie says, "Sorry, don’t feed the bulldog, Dottie," whatever the hell that means. I just feel very uneasy right now.
Dana barges into Sam’s office to lambaste him for being such a, uh, um -- for being such a -- hmmm. I guess for being such a person unfamiliar with Taming Of The Shrew. So she stomps on in and rudely puts her feet up on the desk and starts recounting the wedding scene in which the men bet whose wife will come the quickest when summoned. She calls it a beautiful scene and then starts misquoting it, "‘such small payment’" blah blah, and Sam interrupts and says, "‘Too little payment, for so great a debt.’" Dana, wounded (but maybe a little turned on too, I bet), says, "I thought you said you didn’t know the reference." Sam says, "I just needed you to get your ass in here." Ha ha! Dana says, "I’m looking for ways to kill you, you know." Just do him, already, Dana. Sam says, "Dana, I have been through alcohol, marriage, and network television. If you wanna kill me, you’re gonna need Kryptonite." Ho-kay, Sam. Sam tells her that they can stop the interview tactics, since the cologne people want editorial approval, which rightfully outrages Dana. "In a million years, would Fox or ESPN give editorial approval?" Sam says, "No," and it hits Dana square across the jaw why CSC was offered the exclusive interview. They decide to talk to Isaac. Dana accusingly says, "You don’t care, do you? Ratings are ratings, no matter how bogus the ill-gotten gains." Sam says, "I don’t believe I said that, Dana." He walks past her and says, "By the way. Met a girl named Suzie today [heh]. It sounds like she’s the preferred vacation spot for all the men you date." Dana, struggling to keep composed, says, "Sally." Sam smiles, says, "Okay," and walks out. If I could somehow have William H. Macy’s children, I probably would consider it. ["I’d buy a ticket to that." -- Sars]
In Isaac’s office, Isaac is still reading up on space colonization, this time, about searching for signs of life on Europa (one of Jupiter’s moons). Sam displays a remarkable amount of knowledge about Europa. Dana looks at Sam with surprise, as if she’s thinking, "Shakespeare? The moons of Jupiter? Who ARE you, Sam Donovan?" Just do him already, Dana. Isaac and Sam bond for a while until Dana interrupts to tell Isaac about the conditions for the interview. Isaac says CSC doesn’t give editorial approval. Dana says, "That’s right." Isaac asks, "They’re insisting?" Dana says, "That’s right." Isaac says again, "They’re insisting?" Dana says, "Yes." Isaac says, "Well, Dana, if we did it just this once . . ." sending Dana into a justified apoplexy, but Isaac wants to make an exception "for Michael," and Dana lowers the boom that they didn’t go to Fox or ESPN because they figured CSC would be desperate enough for the ratings to do it. Isaac is stunned. "Are we, Sam?" asks Isaac. After a dramatic pause, Sam shakes his head no. Isaac tells Dana, "Then tell them Isaac Jaffee said to go to hell." Yay! Sam grins and Dana says, "Thank you," and they turn to go and Isaac says, "Don’t tell them to go to hell. Tell them that we’re professionals and that we want to be the best at what we do. If anyone can understand that, it’ll be Michael." Quit kissing Jordan’s ass already, please. Dana and Sam leave.
In the scene, the crew is wondering how Casey’s pree-sentation went, even though none of them was any help at all earlier. They make inane small talk. Casey walks in, very pleased with himself. He reveals he didn’t do the bread thing: "I did what I do, Dan, I did what I do." Who knew Casey was so Zen? Dan says, "You screwed up your romantic life in front of fifth graders?" Ha ha! Dan is now forgiven for this "I’m Daniel" business. Casey makes a nice speech about showing up early for recess and watching the kids play dodgeball and stuff and having an epiphany. Dan says, "You called the highlights." "I called the highlights," says Casey. He did interviews and injury reports and had a girl do a demonstration of jacks. I didn’t know Game Boy had a jacks game now. Dana comes in and tells everybody the Jordan interview is not going to happen, but doesn’t bother to explain why. Dan guesses that there were too many strings. He asks if it was tough on Isaac; Dana says it was. Dan asks if Sam was pissed, and Dana says Sam was on her side on this one but that he still drives her crazy. Then she leaves. Dan and Casey start doing the highlights of the past few episodes, because Casey says some things are starting to come into focus, specifically him breaking up with Dana, whom he never went out with, Dana breaking up with Gordon because Sally slept with Casey, Sam driving Dana "too" crazy, and Dan saying Sally looked good today. Casey says, "I have some concerns." Dan says, "Well, it wouldn’t be a day unless you had some concerns. Let’s go write our show."
week on Sports Night: It looks like Sam and Diane OOPS I mean Sam and Dana might get together. It looks like Casey might have some concerns. week in the Sports Night recap: Daniel asks Sars if he can slam his head in a car door for half an hour and write a recap about that since it would be less painful than watching another twist in the Casey-Dana Love Saga. ["Permission granted." -- Sars]