The show opens with Casey reminding viewers to set their alarms tomorrow if they want to catch "Desmond Corey's assault on Mount Everest." He says the first live footage will be coming back from Corey's team at 2 a.m. Eastern, and he hopes viewers will join Dan and Casey live at that time for what he's sure will be a very exciting event. Yeah, I would have this marked in my day planner too: "Watch umpteenth person climb Everest." Do these dingbats know it's been done before, hundreds of times? They go to commercial.
In the control room, Jeremy is laying out Everest's vital stats. "29,000 feet," he says. "Do you know how tall that is?" And Will says -- wait for it, this is great -- "It's 29,000 feet." No, seriously. That is the funniest line ever delivered on a television show. Ever. Chris says it's actually 29,029 feet, and I was premature in saying Will's line was the funniest of all time, because Dana comes up with, "It's those last ten yards that'll kill ya," raising the bar in terms of general hilarity. Jeremy then expresses the size in terms of metres (8,848), but when Natalie tells him it sounds more impressive expressed in feet, he goes back to Imperial. Then Natalie and Dana share another one of their weird "isn't he great?" smiles, like, what kind of weird criteria do these women have for an ideal boyfriend? Jeremy's looking for something than he can use as an example -- you know, a certain number of these laid end-to-end to give a sense of the size of the mountain. Elliot suggests 29,000 rulers, which I thought was pretty damn funny (I'm not being sarcastic this time). Jeremy complains that they're not getting into the spirit of it, but maybe it's because the rest of the gang knows it's been done many times before. Dana then threatens Jeremy with violence and he says, "I'm just saying it's a big mountain." Dana says, "And I hear ya!" and then...that's it. The opening scene is over. It ends with "And I hear ya"? The music was even different. It didn't punctuate the punchline (not that "And I hear ya!" is much of a punchline) with that little bam bam! thing; there was just this little organ flourish that left me with a vague sense of unease. And at the risk of alienating SN fans for whom this is potentially their Favourite Scene Ever, I'd just like to suggest that maybe Sorkin could have done a second or third draft to make it, you know, good.
The day, Danny has brought his mail to work so Casey can ask him if there's "any good mail," and Dan flips through several envelopes from charities and organizations looking for money. "I'm on the mailing list to end all mailing lists," he says. Well, I see endless plot possibilities here. Dan makes a joke about how he'd love to give them all money but then he'd have no money and he'd need his own mailing list to ask people for money. And Casey calls it a "vicious circle," and Dan agrees, and they keep repeating it because it's a vicious circle, you get it? I know, it took me a while too. Anyway, Dan wants to know what he should do; he's inactive, he just sits around. "Ah, like the trusty basset hound," says Casey, like, what is he talking about? Seriously, why does Casey even bother speaking if he can only come up with inane comments like "like the trusty basset hound," and further, why do people even talk to him when he makes no sense whatsoever like this? Then they revisit the "vicious circle" repetitive dialogue thing again, fortunately more briefly this time. Casey says, "You know, while we've been having this conversation a couple of people have probably died from something you could have cured," and I thought to myself, "Lucky them," but Danny only thanks Casey for cranking up the pressure. So Casey takes the various solicitations, tossing aside one from the Montgomery (Ala.) Symphony Orchestra, but Danny suggests that music is a worthwhile cause and says, "Music, culture, arts, these things shouldn't just be confined to New York and Vienna," and maybe someone should point out to Danny that they're not. Casey sort of sighs and tells Danny to write them a cheque, then, but Dan wants to go through the rest of them first. up: the American Heart Association. Casey suggests Danny get his new friends in Alabama to play them some Beethoven. Heh. Danny needs more time to think about this one, like the remainder of the episode.
At the rundown meeting, Natalie has a memo from building security telling them that, with the cold weather approaching, "some of our local homeless are coming into the building for shelter and staff are supposed to alert security." Suddenly, socially conscious Dan wonders if maybe they should be doing something (but good for him, I guess, instead of building security referring to them as "our" homeless before booting them back out on the street). "Like what?" asks Casey. "What do they need?" asks Danny. "The homeless?" says Casey. "Yeah," says Dan. "They need homes," says Casey. While I can see Casey making that joke, did the laugh track really need to be flipped on for the comedy gold mine that is homelessness? Christ. , the meeting moves to an update on the Everest team. They're at Camp Four, about 2,500 feet below the summit. "That's where the toeholds start getting scarce." Casey nods knowingly and says, "Tell me about it," which prompts Dana to go "wuzzah?" and Casey straight-facedly tries to pretend he's a climber. Dan points out that Casey climbs at his gym and Casey calls it a "challenging ascent," which is only surpassed in annoyingness by his use of the phrase "darn tootin'." Natalie says, "I hear the air gets pretty thin up near the juice bar," which was pretty good, and Casey starts going on about "the spirit of the hill," and Jeremy says "Tell it, Casey!" and Dana also says Casey should tell it, except she's sarcastic about it. He comes up with, "There's a hill...its spirit..." like he couldn't even come up with full sentences. Behind him, Jeremy says, "Man, did you drop the ball!" which cracked me up. Dana then goes over the plan for the evening, which is really simple, and everyone says they know it but she still goes over it because she's going to be gone for the afternoon. She gives out instructions, and there's this strange fade-out as she says, "Someone keep on top of Oakland and Baltimore," and it's weird because it actually fades out as she's delivering the line and fades back in on her, presumably mere seconds later, walking into the newsroom. I guess it could be a little later, but it was still a weird transition.
In the newsroom, Isaac strolls up and asks her where she's taking her niece. Natalie says they're going to The Lion King. Isaac says she'll love it, but Dana rolls her eyes and disparages Broadway musicals in general. Isaac says it'll be good for her and that she's been working too hard lately. When he finds out she actually hasn't got the tickets yet, he warns her that it's sold out. She says, "Don't be ridiculous, Isaac, it's a children's show." He advises her to call the box office, which she does, whereupon the ticket guys have a good laugh at her expense. "Screwed?" says Isaac. "Totally screwed," she says. Isaac reaches into his jacket and whips out two tickets to The Lion King, because he knew Dana would be too useless to know where to take her niece. Dana tries to turn down the tickets. He tells her she should become a theatre lover, and she says she's tried but there's all the singing and dancing and often "a hoedown," like, how culturally ignorant is Dana anyway? I mean, I've never been to New York but I'd know better than to try to get tickets last-minute (and I'd definitely know there's no hoedown). After she leaves, Isaac harrumphs that there's nothing wrong with a good hoedown, which is also true.
In the newsroom, Danny and Casey are bemoaning the fact that no restaurants are delivering because of a broken water main nearby or some such contrived reason to set up that there's no food to be found, because I guess also that everyone is presumably trapped inside the building, because it doesn't occur to anyone to go get some food. Hey, maybe this could turn into Alive, and in the pool of the first character to be sacrificed to feed the group, I'm putting ten bucks on Elliot. And I'm putting twenty bucks on the rest of the gang beating up Jeremy and stealing his glasses to make fire.
Danny corrals Natalie, because he wants her advice on what charity he should donate to. He wants to know what she does with her money. She says, "Most of my portfolio is tied up in food and shelter, Dan," but Danny doesn't get the hint that maybe one of the lower-paid employees might feel a little bit annoyed at Danny Warbucks asking her what he should do with all his money. Eventually he figures it out, though, and starts to walk away, but then Natalie tells him there's an AIDS group that she sometimes donates to when she does have a few extra dollars. AIDS doesn't sound quite trendy enough for Natalie, if you ask me, but I can't remember what the cause du jour was in 1998. I bet if this were an episode being produced today, she'd have some anti-globalization activists she'd donate to or something. Then Dan remembers that more people die of breast cancer and diabetes and heart disease every year, but the government doesn't spend as much money researching those as it does on AIDS, which is a good point (and of course he softens his stance somewhat by hastily adding that it isn't that we shouldn't be trying to cure AIDS but that we should be trying to cure everything, like, RELAX, Sorkin). He blah blah blahs for some time, and while I think it's commendable that Danny wants to do something, I don't understand this paralysis over what to pick and maybe instead of throwing money at something, he might want to consider volunteer work. He's not going to find something that's meaningful for him by asking other people, unless he asks me, in which case I think the obvious choice for Dan might be some sort of drug-treatment program he can support, considering that his brother was killed while stoned. Of course, that might violate the rule against any of the cast members referring to their relatives unless it's necessary to the plot. Jeremy interrupts this happy crappy by telling them both that the Everest team is only 1,500 feet from the summit. So Natalie dashes off, but not before getting all poetic about the mountaineers walking up a wall of ice and knocking on the door of heaven itself. Mama, take these guns from me, I can't shoot them anymore. Natalie says there's no limit to what we can do. "You know what the trick is?" she says. "What?" says Dan. "Get in the game," says Natalie. Dan ponders.
Back from commercial, Jeremy is saying that 700 people have made the summit. And yet, the network is still making these shlubs stay up until all hours of the evening covering it, because on a sports channel that routinely denigrates soccer, the world's most popular sport, it makes a lot of sense to spend this much time and money for all the viewers who are staying up all night to watch the 701st person climb Everest. Oh, that's right, he's from America, like, maybe the Sports Night crew should just discount all the non-Americans who have made the summit, since those were probably flukes. Casey wants to know how many climbers have died. Jeremy tells him one in four. Last year, fifteen people died, which is the most since Edmund Hillary made it in 1953. The "one in four" stat is interesting to Casey, who wants it up front. Good call, Casey, good news instincts. Not so good that you can't see that "tt was first done 45 years ago, and since then 700 people have done it, and tonight some more people are doing it" doesn't make for the most gripping of stories. week on Sports Night: the crew heads to a track meet where someone has a good chance to run a mile in under four minutes. And don't miss the baseball preview special, featuring an interview with Barry Bonds, who this year broke the colour barrier again, as he has in each of his impressive seasons in the big leagues. Jeremy and Casey talk for a bit about what climbers die of, then discuss whether or not they could ever do it, assuming they were in the proper shape for it. Jeremy says he would, because he doesn't have as much to live for as Casey does, who has a son. Of course, you could argue that having something to live for might help ensure you did it right and came back safely, but who am I to judge this giant, awkward metaphor plopped in our laps?
Natalie comes in with some film to help them prepare for covering the final assault. Casey tells Jeremy to "stay here" so he can get "that other stuff" from his office. You know -- the other stuff, the stuff that lets Natalie and Jeremy be alone together so they can by turns be awkward and then horny because they can't keep their hands off each other. And of course Jeremy tells her that there is no longer any chance he might climb Everest. Natalie smooches him some more instead of getting pissed for thinking that he just compared her to Everest and is therefore implying that she's gained weight, which is I'm sure what would happen in real life. , Danny is coming to Isaac for more advice on who to donate all his money to. How about the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Recappers? Ah, there's no such thing -- LUCKY FOR SARS. I'm tired of having to tell people at work that I "walked into a door" all the time. ["I'm sorry, baby. But when you talk to other editors, I just get so mad. I only do it 'cause I love you." -- Sars] Anyway, Isaac tells Danny that when he comes to work, he has to step over thirty to fifty bodies a day. So as he passes them, he gives them whatever he's got. "You're not afraid they're going to spend it on booze?" asks Danny, like, maybe if he wants people to give him advice on how to donate his money, maybe he should quit finding fault with how other people choose to spend theirs. Isaac says he hopes they spend it on booze if helps ease their pain a little. This from the guy who tosses back a few tumblers of scotch before noon every day, of course.
Speaking of pain, Dana comes in. She's giddy after seeing The Lion King and tells Dan and Isaac that they haven't lived until they've seen it. She starts blathering about the production, and she gives me a headache. She wants to go tell everybody, but not before she thanks Isaac about eight million times for opening her up to unexplored possibilities and the like. Aaaanyway, this is as sudden and acute as her spiritual epiphany in a future episode, but this one is worse because it's louder.
In the newsroom, Casey is looking for food but no one is delivering, and because I live in frigging Saskatchewan and can get food whenever I want, I refuse to believe that there is no food available to these people at 7 p.m. in New York, and therefore Kim must just be pretending because she's tired of doing menial jobs for Casey. Good for her. Anyway, Dana rockets into Casey, her eyes shining, but all Casey can think about is getting a roast beef sandwich, and he tries to escape, but she says, "It was really quite something," and looks at her realizes that she really means it, or she's finally flipped. So she blah blah blahs about how much she was moved. "I didn't know we could do that. Did you know we could do that?" Casey says that when he forgets, something usually reminds him. Maybe we should put up some Post-It notes to remind them of all the stuff that gets forgotten, starting with this episode alone: "Dana's love of theatre," "Dan's philanthropy," and "Casey's rock-climbing hobby."
Later, the boys are wrapping up that night's edition of Sports Night with a reminder to viewers that they should give up a good night's sleep to watch the umpteenth climber go up Everest. Casey also tells everybody watching that they don't have any food, "so if you happen to be walking by the building with a pizza..." but Dana gets Danny to cut him off.
The show's over. Jeremy and Natalie let each other know where they're going to be for the couple of hours, presumably so they can meet later and have sex, because Natalie says something about Jeremy's "sexy little butt," which caused my VCR to shut itself done and eject the tape forcibly. I narrowly missed getting it in the stomach. Dana is reduced to blathering about her newfound love of the theatre to the TCs, telling them the trick is to find the ones without the hoedowns.
Strolling to the editing room, Jeremy is telling Casey about a rather interesting ritual that climbers do, a prayer ceremony in which the gods are asked for permission to climb that close to them. Casey gets all pessimistic and suggests that maybe people shouldn't be trying to climb so close, pointing out that one in four people die. Jeremy, meanwhile, is full of high hopes, pie in the sky hopes, and expounds on the strength of human endeavour and says there's no limit to what man can accomplish. Casey wants to know why Jeremy's so fired up. "I think I might be in love with Natalie," says Jeremy. "That'll do it," says Casey. Fuck. Oh, all right. Awwww.
, we're live with Desmond Corey and the Supa-Fly Everest Climbers, saying they have the summit in sight. Casey says it's helpful to know that the summit is smaller than we might think, about the size of a dining-room table. Oh, yeah, that's real helpful. Actually, I kind of thought the summit came to a perfect point. With a swami sitting cross-legged and meditating on top of it. And then, because the climbers are so close to the summit, I guess it's natural that Casey goes back to the CSC reporters allegedly at the base camp so that Casey can show off Jeremy's work by asking about the prayer ceremony. "What happens if permission is denied?" asks Captain Bringdown Casey. Two alternatives, Casey: they can't make the summit, or they die. Anyway, the reporters pause, and they don't actually answer as they learn the climbers are holding, most likely to change their oxygen tanks. In the control room, Dana swears. Reporter Mike says they won't be waiting long, only about ten minutes or so, because the window only stays open for so long. "It's pretty much now or never," he says. The boys break for commercial.
During the break, Dan and Casey courteously wonder if the climbers are going to be okay. Dana assures them that they will. Then the boys, completely unaffected by the monumental display of courage they are currently covering, start whining about their stomachs again, because the water main is still broken, and I'd really like to know how it is that this break is preventing any access to the building. Casey asks Dan if he's solved his charity problem yet. Dan hasn't. Casey says since he can't solve everyone's problems or even possibly anyone's problems, he should just do something, which is pretty much exactly what people have been telling him the entire episode already. This inspires Dan to remember there's half a turkey sandwich in their office. "Get it!" says Casey. Dan runs off. Now, my general rule of thumb is that if you have to "remember" a sandwich, it's probably no longer safe to eat.
Dan runs into his office and starts digging through stuff while singing some sort of song about turkey. Coming up with the sandwich, he's about to leave when he notices the presence of an obviously Homeless Man (identifiable by dirty winter jacket and toque). We never find out how he managed to get past the broken water main, though he does nod when Dan asks him if they chased him up from downstairs. Dan tells him he can't stay there. HM says nothing. Elliot pops in, notices the stare-down between Danny and HM, and asks Dan if he wants him to call security. After a long, long pause, Dan's white liberal guilt gets the better of him and he says it's okay. Elliot says he'll be outside, and closes the door. Danny offers the guy the turkey sandwich and says he'll sit with HM while he eats. He explains that he has to watch the monitor so he'll know when to go back to the studio. "There are these two guys about to reach the point of Mount Everest," he says. HM, who I'm relatively certain has other more pressing concerns, says nothing. Danny asks him his name. Silence. Dan repeats the offer of the sandwich. HM shuffles forward, reaching into his pocket. Dan actually shakes his head and gets all magnanimous and says HM doesn't have to pay him. HM pulls out a switchblade and pops it open, prompting Dan to jump out of his chair all scared until HM proceeds to cut the sandwich in half. Then Dan -- and presumably all of us viewers -- can feel guilty about assuming the worst about the HM, even though in one shot the guy clearly had the switchblade pointed at Dan, while in the second shot he did not. They eat the sandwiches together (Dan says "thanks," HM says "you're welcome"). The Department Of Glaringly Obvious Musical Cues cranks up "The Weight" by The Band. They watch the summiters climb; Dan blabbers on about how there are no limits to what man can do. HM, who probably has more than a few limits on what he can do, smiles at the crazy cracker to him. I just roll my eyes at the end result of Dan's desire to make a difference, namely that he splits half a turkey sandwich with a homeless guy who sneaks into his office. Sleep well, tonight, Dan. You've earned it.