By Daniel
Reader mailbags are a great way for viewers to feel like they're part of a show; it's an opportunity for the anchors to connect with their audience, which is why its shabby treatment on Sports Night is all the more distressing. A reader asks who would win if the 1927 Yankees played the 1998 Yankees in the World Series. Casey mocks the person who submitted the question and points out that the World Series is contested by two teams alive at the same time. But, pressed for an answer, he figures the '27 Yankees would be confused by the jet planes flying overhead. Then he does that biting-his-lower-lip-to-suppress-a-smirk thing that he does when he thinks he's gotten off a good one. I mean, if his goal is to get thousands of viewers to say "fuck you" and switch to another sports show, then this segment was probably a huge success. Dan takes the show to commercial and then starts asking Casey, "Do you understand?" a whole bunch of times and Casey says "no" and "no" and then "yes" -- but he's lying. "Can I spread it out for you in a nutshell?" asks Danny, and Casey says no because he's tired of Danny mixing his metaphors. "'Spread it out for you in a nutshell'? How ya' doin', I'm a professional writer," says Casey mockingly. He's one to talk. Were those even metaphors Dan was using? Figures of speech, for sure, but full-on metaphors? So maybe Danny's guilty of a malapropism, nothing more. But now he's pissed at Casey being such a jackass, so he does that thing that always cracks me up where you point to someone's tie and pretend there's a spot on it, and then when they look down, you give them a little poke. I love that.
In the control room, Dana's looking for tape of the end of the Michigan game. Jeremy says they're still waiting for the end of the Michigan game to be played. Then someone mentions Denver, and Jeremy says it was 66 degrees in Denver today. "Tell me quickly why I care," says Dana. Jeremy remembers that discretion is the better part of valour, so he just says, "No earthly reason." This scene had no point other than to set up a running "joke" for the show, namely Jeremy's weather geekiness. So you know we're hurting for jokes over here. I think I'll just award this episode a D right now and get it over with.
Back at the desk, Casey still doesn't understand what Dan's saying, so Dan gets to repeat his stupid line about spreading it out in a nutshell. Dan starts trying to tell a story, but Casey keeps interrupting with dumb questions, angering Dan, who says he'll tell Casey the things he needs to know. Casey says something about how his ex-wife said that once and now she has half his stuff. Haven't I warned Casey before about ripping off Lenny Briscoe's shtick? Anyway, Dan met this girl in the elevator at work. "Did you make a pass at her?" interrupts Casey. Dan gets mad at him for interrupting again, and then busts on Casey because Danny doesn't think anybody even says "make a pass" anymore. "I just did," points out Casey. He's right, I suppose. Dan can't argue with that, and then he says he didn't make a pass at her and asks if Casey knows why. "Because you're not that guy?" suggests Casey. Dan confirms that he is indeed not that guy. I wish either one of them were that guy who knows how to get to the point quickly. You know how, when you were a kid, your older brother would grab your arm and make you hit yourself with it? And he'd say, "Stop hitting yourself. Why are you hitting yourself?" over and over again as he'd beat you senseless? That's kind of what this is like. Well, except that I was the eldest so I used to do that to my little brother. But this scene is kind of how I imagine that must have been like for him. So I'd just like to say I'm sorry, Patrick.
I guess Jeremy is the guy who'll get to the point; he says he only mentioned the Denver weather because it was unseasonably warm. Oh, have we conveniently jumped back to winter, after being at July 31 last episode for baseball's trade deadline? Or maybe Sports Night exists in a parallel universe, where 66 degrees actually is unseasonably warm for Denver in August. Whatever the case, Dana doesn't care, even if it's a record, although it isn't. Jeremy says there was record rainfall in Katmandu, and Dana asks if he'd mind if she made fun of him for being a weather nerd. I'm kind of surprised that Jeremy's weather nerdiness isn't just one more of his ideal boyfriend qualities as far as Dana and Natalie are concerned. Natalie says that Jeremy prefers "meteorology nerd," which Jeremy confirms. Dana asks again for tape of the end of the Michigan game, and Jeremy has to point out again that that tape doesn't exist yet. Dana sarcastically thanks "Mr. Helper," and Natalie stands by her man and tells Dana not to get "persnickety." And if one of the rules of the Sports Night drinking game happened to be "drink every time someone says 'persnickety,'" then the amount of alcohol you'd be forced to consume in the ten seconds would pretty much instantly shut down your nervous system. Which, all things considered right now, isn't unappealing. Instead, since I knew how long this was going to take, I played some basketball in the park, wrote a letter home, cleaned my bathroom, and finished my master's thesis on Raskolnikov's inner turmoil in Crime and Punishment -- and when I returned to the show, they were just moving along, having settled any disputes over whether or not Dana's being persnickety and what degree of said persnicketyness she's being and why she's being persnickety. According to Natalie, it's because she thinks Gordon's about to break up with her; also, she's secretly in love with Casey. Dana wants to know if Natalie can distinguish between conversations they have in private and conversations they have in a roomful of people. Well, on this show, that line gets crossed quite often, so I don't think Dana can blame Natalie. Isaac pops in and says he wants to see the senior staff in the conference room after the show. When Dana asks why, Isaac says, "Because I said so." "Oh, and that's not persnickety?" Dana asks the room. "He makes it work," says Elliot, which was pretty funny. And true! It's funny and true! Dana wants to know if any of the staff are going to be fired after the show. Isaac says "no," but Dana assures him that she doesn't care if they are.
Back at the desk, Dan is wrapping up this apparently complicated story about how he's now seeing this girl named Elaine, so he can't ask out the girl from the elevator, even though Natalie keeps telling her he will. Casey still does not get it, but I don't think that's saying much. He likely wasn't paying close attention, as the story has nothing to do with him. The boys go back live as we go to commercial.
Back live with some throwaway jokes, as Danny wraps up a horse-racing story and says the horse "declined to comment" and Casey welcomes a new affiliate in New Mexico and says if anyone in New Mexico is watching, they should turn off their televisions and go outside, because "you live in New Mexico, for crying out loud." Isaac might want to rethink his promise not to fire anyone after watching Casey's revolutionary broadcasting strategy of encouraging viewers to turn off their televisions. Show's over. Dana reminds everyone of the meeting in the conference room. Danny valiantly says he's going to try telling the story again. Casey asks if he can make a suggestion. "What if instead of you telling me this story right this second, you never tell me this story ever." Heh. I now use that line myself. Of course, since I've started using it, I've lost a few friends. Of course, I'll always have Sars. Right, Sars? ...Sars? Hey, look, a tumbleweed. Anyway, the boys walk and talk while Dan tells the story and Casey continues to butt in with stupid and annoying questions. The gist of it is this: Danny, Natalie, and a woman named Rebecca (whom Natalie knows) were in the elevator. Dan chatted up Rebecca and later told Natalie he thought she seemed nice. A couple of days later, Natalie told Dan that Rebecca really liked him and he should ask her out. Dan said he would call her, but now this "Elaine" has entered the picture. Oh, and also, Dan's been busy studying for his English exam. He needs to get at least a B to pass the course, because if he doesn't, he's off the basketball team and the state final is week.
We take a break from one gripping love-life saga to focus on another one. Dana is whining that Gordon is going to break up with her and she needs to "pull a rabbit out of a hat." Natalie suggests talking to Casey. She says it over and over again as Dana tells her to give the Casey thing a rest, but it's Natalie's only advice. Dana wants to know why she should talk to Casey. "Casey's good at this," says Natalie. "We have a meeting," says Dana. Glad somebody remembered. "Also, you're secretly in love with him," says Natalie. Dana denies it, but Natalie doesn't buy it so Dana takes off.
Back to Dana and Casey, on their way to the conference room. Dan asks if Casey understands his problem. Casey says no. I think he thought Dan asked if he cared about his problem. Natalie scurries over. "Are you going to call Rebecca?" she asks. Dan says he will, and Natalie squeals that Rebecca can't wait and goes into the conference room. "I can't call Rebecca," says Dan worriedly to Casey, who finally seems to understand. Still, he doesn't have any advice. He just asks loudly if anyone knows what the meeting is about, and Dana curtly says, "Isaac called it." Casey asks if there's any food, and Dana snaps that the caterer called in sick. Casey asks Natalie what Dana's problem is, but Natalie wisely says nothing. Casey then puts his balls in all kinds of danger by leaning forward and asking Dana, "Is it Nature's special time?" She says, "Bite me so hard for that," and she's pretty pissed. Isaac comes in and says this won't take long. He says there's going to be a piece in tomorrow's Wall Street Journal. "Don't worry about it," says Isaac, and makes to leave, drawing protest from the group. "What are you, Agatha Christie?" says Dan. Dana asks what's in the Journal. Isaac says again not to worry about it, and leaves. "Well, that was reassuring," says Casey, and then we get a shot of everybody turning their heads to look at Dana. Commercials.
The day, Dana is skulking outside Isaac's office, looking like she's trying to listen in. Enter Casey. Dana, in a hushed voice, says that Casey can't go in because Isaac's in there with J.J. Casey, whispering, wants to know what she's doing. Dana says she's waiting for him to be done with J.J. Casey tries to ask a couple more questions, but Dana doesn't feel like answering them. Danny strolls up. Dana tells him that Isaac's in with J.J. Dan says he didn't think it was so bad. "Who do you think the source was on the quote?" asks Dana. Both Casey and Danny think it was Luther. Dana says they're both idiots. Casey wants to know who she thinks it was, then. She says she also thinks it was Luther; she was just saying they're both idiots. The two dingbats now try to come up with a plan to crash the meeting. Dan says Casey should knock on the door and say he's looking for a pencil, but Casey dismisses that as "too obvious" and suggests a staple remover instead. "Staple remover's good!" says Danny. Dana does this little hocus-pocus hand gesture and explains she was hoping they both might burst into flames. I've tried that one a few times myself.
In Isaac's office, J.J. is saying that Isaac is absolutely right to be upset. Isaac denies he's upset, and it's just like the "persnickety" thing from before. Isaac reads from the article, which is about a meeting between Luther Sachs and "programming veteran" Dellahansen. The article quotes a spokesperson for CSC as saying that the meeting was just lunch between two social acquaintances and not an attempt to court Dellahansen. Isaac pauses to ask who the spokesperson was. "Betty Gates in P.R.," says J.J. "I've heard stronger denials," says Isaac, and J.J. assures him she's already been "called on the carpet." Isaac continues, "'One source familiar with the situation and speaking on the condition of anonymity said recent friction between Sachs and Sports Night's managing editor, Isaac Jaffee, had more to do with on-air content'" -- Isaac emphasizing this as he glares at J.J. -- "'than with off-air differences of opinion.'" Isaac asks who the unnamed source is, but J.J. says they have no idea. Isaac says that when he says something, he puts his name to it. J.J. says that Luther regrets the lunch with Dellahansen, and he regrets any embarrassment it has caused. Isaac says he can tell from the way Luther hasn't called all morning. There's a knock on the door. Jeremy comes in and says he hates to interrupt but he's looking for a staple remover. Dan walks by in the hallway, pretends to spot Jeremy, and asks him if he got that staple remover. Then he says "hi" to J.J., who looks a little suspicious. Isaac asks who else is out there. Dana and Casey come in, looking a little sheepish. Isaac reminds them that he told them not to worry about it. Jeremy asks if he should close the door. Isaac says as long as they're all on the other side of it, yes, which stops the gang from shuffling forward as they're doing now. Heh.
On the way back to the newsroom, Dan peels off, saying he's going to go talk to Rebecca -- or, as Casey terms her, "Elevator Woman" -- because "it's the menschy thing to do." Natalie, having latched onto Dana again, points out that now is a good time for Dana to talk to Casey, because he's alone in his office right now. Dana asks why Casey would be interested in helping her prevent Gordon from breaking up with her. "He's not, but he'll do it anyway," says Natalie. Dana asks why. "Because he's secretly in love with you," says Natalie, which Dana disputes. "We've been over this," she says. Yes, we have. We've been over it and through it and around it and inside it. We've met it in the grocery store, we've asked it out to dinner, we've slept with it, we've made it breakfast in the morning. We've introduced it to our families, we've made plans with it, we've moved in together. And now we've grown apart and we're better off breaking up with it. We're at the stage where we're awkward with it when we bump into it on the street. Maybe someday down the road we can be friends with it, but right now we just need some space from it. Okay? We're fourteen episodes into the season, and the Dana-Casey thing has moved absolutely nowhere. Nowhere. So please, somebody, put me out of my misery. Dana notices Jeremy standing close by, taking this all in. She asks him what he needs. "This'll sound ridiculous, but I actually need a staple remover." Okay, that was funny, but why would Jeremy ask Dana for it? Does he think she keeps one in her pocket or something? She tells him to leave her alone and walks off.
In some new hallway, we see a woman who I presume is Rebecca. Oh, who am I kidding? We all know it's Rebecca -- we've seen all the episodes already, we all know how this is going to turn out, and I think maybe we can all find more productive uses for our time, don't you? Dan shows up and says "hello," and Presumably Rebecca brightly says "hi there!" Dan says she has every right to be mad, but before she gets angry he wants to speak his piece. She says all right. So he spreads it out for her in a nutshell, blah blahing about how he meant to call her -- and here I realize that Danny may be frightened of causing Bobbi Bernstein II: Psychotic Boogaloo -- but then things got serious with Elaine and blah blah, he says "the menschy thing to do" again and stuff about how he really did like her. When he finally finishes, she says, "Who the hell are you?" Taken aback, he says, "It's me!" She asks him if this is a joke and starts walking to the hallway. She wants to know if Jennifer put him up to this. "I don't know a Jennifer," he says. Really? I know, like, a dozen. "I don't know you," she says. "I'm Dan Rydell," he says. He has to say it a couple of times before she remembers him as the guy from the elevator. He clues in that Natalie hasn't talked to her about him, which she confirms, saying she wasn't expecting him to call her. Dan says "okay" and laughs it off, then walks away.
In an editing room, Casey is looking at tape of a NASCAR race when Dana walks in. Inane throwaway dialogue about the race. Then Dana asks Casey what he needs. He points out that she came to see him. Dan comes in and starts to babble about what just happened with Rebecca, but Casey has to finish flirting with Dana, who giggles and says she forgets what she came in for and takes off. Dan slumps into a seat and says, "She wasn't expecting me to call her." He relays the whole sorry spectacle to Casey, who only says "that must have been awkward" and "so Natalie blew the call." Dan agrees with him on both counts, but "that's not [his] real problem." Casey says he doesn't care what Dan's real problem is. Keep in mind, this is the guy who Natalie said is "good" at this sort of thing. Natalie's blowing all sorts of calls. Luckily, Dan doesn't care that Casey doesn't care, so Dan goes right ahead and says his real problem is that he was being cute as a button and she didn't jump him right there. I mean, those aren't his exact words, but that's the gist of it. Casey rightly reminds him that his whole reason for going there was to tell her he couldn't go out with her, which Dan says isn't the point. He decides to go talk to her again. Casey says he's going to do their job. Like he's one to talk.
In Isaac's office, J.J. is getting his coat and asking if there's a message Isaac wants him to deliver to Luther. "A message I want you to deliver?" says Isaac. J.J. makes a bunch of noise about how he's a good go-between, and Isaac says he doesn't need a go-between. J.J.'s just way too smarmy here. Isaac says creating division between the show and the network is not good for anybody, including the show, CSC, Continental Corp., or Luther himself. "Give him that message," says Isaac. Refusing to be unsmarmed, J.J. tells Isaac that he wishes Isaac would use him more. "I think I could help," he says. Isaac looks at him, sizing him up. Robert Guillaume's expression is perfect here. "I suppose you're right," says Isaac quietly. J.J. turns to go, and then tells Isaac that his fiancée is in town and asks Isaac if it's okay if he brings her by the show. Isaac says he doesn't mind and tells him to ask Dana, then watches J.J. leave.
Down in Rebecca's Hallway, Rebecca is giving some instructions to a woman named Toni. Poor Toni doesn't even get a line; she just nods her head and ducks into a room where a host of other useless extras probably hang out and play Go Fish. Dan shows up, and Rebecca says, "Hi, Don." Danny corrects her and says he felt bad about their first meeting. "In the elevator?" asks Rebecca. Dan says he actually felt good about that meeting; it was the other one he felt bad about. "There's no need to feel bad about any of our meetings," says Rebecca. Dan says it's easy for her to say since she doesn't remember any of them. "It was ten seconds in an elevator," says Rebecca. Dan says some of his best dates have been ten seconds in an elevator. No, of course he doesn't, but how many of you readers are now hearing Aerosmith's "Love In An Elevator" in your head right about now? How many of you are thinking about livin' it up while you're going down? Danny reminds Rebecca that she's seen him on television. "When have I seen you on TV?" she asks. Hang onto your ego -- Dan says, "I'm Dan Rydell!" which doesn't mean anything to Rebecca, so he does the whole intro to the show. Finally she realizes he's talking about Sports Night, but she says she's never seen it. You and millions of viewers across North America, Rebecca. Dan's bewildered about this and asks her if she doesn't work for CSC. She says she does work for Continental Corp., as an analyst, but they don't force her to watch the show. You have to admire Dan's ego in this scene. It gets battered and beaten, but it keeps on getting up and heading back into the fray. His ego is like the Rocky of egos. He says that people do watch the show voluntarily and that it's a good show. Rebecca, trying to be nice, says, "Yeah, I liked the part where you said your name." Heh. Dan says they do more than that. "I would think," says Rebecca. Dan repeats his earlier reason for visiting, that if it weren't for Elaine he would have called her. She thanks him for stopping by and gets back to work. He waits for a few moments, probably waiting for her to take her clothes off and hop in his lap. When she doesn't, he gets up and leaves. Now watch him complete his transformation into stalker as he comes back in. "I really do have to work," she says. He confesses that he likes her and he's enjoyed the little conversations they've been having (which I think makes one of us), and he asks her to have a drink with him. She says that's really sweet. Then she turns him down flat. He pleads his case; she tells him she's flattered but not interested. He says she doesn't have to hit him over the head, at least not seven or eight times. Would that Sorkin could say the same when it comes to getting the point across to the viewers. Dan says he's going to go scrape his self-image off the floor, which he appears to do instantly, since he then says he's going to go do his show, which can be seen every night. Rebecca says she'll keep it in mind.
Dan and Casey's office. Casey is dressed for the show and typing on his computer. Dana comes in and giggles a little, saying she just thought of a funny visual. Casey's kind of preoccupied and only says he needs some time in the twenties. She asks him if he wants to know what her funny visual is. He asks if it involves a Zamboni. She asks how he knows that. He says, "You like Zambonis," which takes me completely by surprise. we get a long, involved discussion about whether or not everybody likes Zambonis. "Do you think I'm weird?" she asks. "In so many ways," he says. "Because I like Zambonis?" she asks. He looks up, finally paying attention, realizing this isn't actually about Zambonis. Dammit, it's never about Zambonis. Just once, I wish this could be about Zambonis. He asks what's on her mind. She says she doesn't know what to say to keep Gordon from breaking up with her. "What do you want to say to him?" he says. "Don't break up with me," she says. He tells her that won't work and asks if she has anything else. She says no. He tells her to try the truth, which can be very attractive. "Not for a woman," she says, then she goes into a passionate speech about how much she loves her job and it's part of who she is and she's different without it. It's a very stirring speech, and Casey is completely enthralled. He tells her to say that to Gordon, but she says it won't work. Casey says, "Any man who hears that and doesn't say, 'For a woman like you, for a person, for you I will take whatever time you can give me and be grateful for that all my life,' any man who hears that and doesn't throw you down on the nearest flat surface is just taking up space for the rest of us." Dana feels immensely better. Casey then says she shouldn't need Natalie to shove her in there whenever she needs to talk about something, which she half-heartedly denies was the case. It's a nice moment between the two of them, with Casey able to appear genuinely caring about Dana's happiness over his own. The "five minutes to air" alert is given, and Casey gets up to leave. Dana elects to sit for a few moments and says she appreciates his time.
In the studio, J.J. is explaining broadcasting lingo to his fiancée, Judith. Isaac greets them and introductions are made, J.J. making a smarmy comment about having to watch Isaac around "the ladies." Isaac calls Natalie over and asks her to quickly introduce Judith to Dan and Casey before the show starts. After Natalie carts Judith off, Isaac says he's been thinking about what he said before about division, how it's not good for the show, the network, Continental Corp., or Luther Sachs. "So I asked myself, who is it good for?" J.J. says, "Yeah?" Isaac stares right through him and says, "I find out that quote in the Journal came from you, I'll own your ass. I mean I'll absolutely own it." Judith comes back before J.J. has a chance to respond. She starts babbling about how Dan and Casey are both very nice and very funny and how they like J.J. a lot. My god, when will the lying stop? Isaac says she's welcome any time and leaves. I love the look on J.J.'s face as he watches Isaac walk away. It's kind of a combination of anger, fear, and an understanding that Isaac now knows what a snake he is.
In the control room, Dana tells Jeremy she needs thirty seconds of film. He suggests some sort of high-pressure system. When she glares at him, he acquiesces and suggests something having to do with sports instead. Jeremy really got screwed out of a plot in this episode. Natalie asks Dana if she talked to Casey. Dana says yes. She won't tell Natalie what Casey said, but she does say she feels better.
At the desk, Dan is filling Casey in on how things went with Rebecca, and Casey is actually paying attention. Wow -- when Casey decides to be nice, you really get your money's worth. He suggests that Rebecca's playing hard to get. Dan rejects that, saying he doesn't think she's interested at all. "Gotta respect her for that," he says. Indeed. Then the Poignant Music kicks in as Danny suddenly says, "I don't even know her, and no joke, I really like her. It's a little painful to me that I'm not going to be seeing her tonight. You understand what I'm saying?" Awww. Casey says, "Truthfully? Yes I do." He looks off camera slightly. We don't see what he's looking at, and it could be the snack table, but for the purposes of ending this episode on a wistful note, let's go with Dana.