By Daniel
As the show starts, Dan is teasing championship billiards at 1 a.m., a match between two players (and I have no idea if the ones Dan mentions are real or not, but knowing Sorkin they probably are) of whom Dan says, "When those two get together, it's a barn burner," in that tone of voice he reserves for soccer and other sports that Dan considers too marginal to deserve the respect accorded to football, baseball, and basketball. And I really don't understand or appreciate Dan's wit in these situations, because if he's attempting to encourage people to watch more programming on his stations, he might want to try being a little more sincere, because all he's really doing is pissing off real billiard fans. Not that I am one, understand; that shit is boring. , Casey closes with an inane comment about how if the viewers had half as much fun watching the show as they had making it, "well, then, we've had twice as much fun doing the show as you've had watching it." He does this in his trademark deadpan, which is accompanied by that freaky chilling stare he does, possessed by him and stalkers in television movies. And judging from what we've seen, there's a term for people who only have half as much fun as this show: clinically depressed. I got dumped by a girl once, went home, and listened to the Cure's "Disintegration" album for six hours straight. That was more fun than this. Then I went out with my friends, got a little drunk, and picked up another girl. That was more fun. And classy!
In the control room, Dana says, "Nice show, everybody," which is nice, even if it reminded me of that annoying voice-over the credits for Dateline NBC that says, "Nice job, everyone," like, who are they kidding?
At the desk, Dan wants Casey to come out to a bar called "El Perro Fumando," which Casey helpfully translates as "The Smoking Dog." Casey wants to know why he should go. I was going to make a snide comment about how apparently Dan's friendship isn't a good enough reason for Casey, but I suppose I'd be wary of a bar called "El Perro Fumando" too. Danny says if you wear something blue, you get two dollars off a giant blue margarita. Casey says he makes a good living, and he can wear what he wants and pay full price. I guess it's like that old truism: if you have to ask how much the giant blue margarita costs, you can't afford it. Dan says it's not so much the "economic upside" that's cool, but the chance to drink something giant and blue. This fails to sway Casey. Much as I think Casey is a jerk and a wet blanket and all, I can't see myself getting worked up about this either. Likewise, it's not so much the economic upside, but the fact that there comes a time in every guy's life when drinking a giant blue margarita just isn't a thrill. For most guys, that time is when you are born. Danny and Casey start walking and talking, and Dan convinces Casey by telling him Dana's going to be there: "You know what that means." "'Boogie Shoes'!" says Casey, and Dan starts "singing" "Boogie Shoes," and Casey starts "dancing." Jeremy walks into the fray, and they invite him to come along. Casey says, "If Dana gets half a margarita in her there's a better than even chance she'll get up on a table and start dancing to 'Boogie Shoes,'" as they enter the newsroom. Dana, from the other side of the newsroom, says she only did that once. Now the gang gets into a discussion about whether El Perro Fumando is "The Smoking Dog" or "The Flaming Dog." Casey says it's not "The Flaming Dog" because "the dog's not gay." Dana calls him on his subtle homophobia by saying she meant flaming as in the dog is on fire. And now we get a whole sub-argument with Kim and Elliot, who can't agree on whether the dog is smoking a cigar or a pipe (Casey having said the dog is smoking a cigarette). Is this building properly ventilated? These people are seriously fucked up, I mean it. "I say he's gay," chimes in Dan. God help me if I even need to argue about the smoking object of choice of a stupid dog in a stupidly named bar, but if the discussion were also to circle around the dog's sexual orientation, I think I'd be agreeing with the guy excited about drinking the giant blue margaritas.
Natalie invites Jeremy, and he says he'll catch up with them because he's writing to his sister Louise, who is a sophomore at Amherst. "You write letters?" says Dan. "I write to Louise," says Jeremy. "That's nice," says Casey, and because he can't stand it when everyone's not focused on him, he starts going on about how he never writes letters; he does everything by phone now. "My sister can't hear," says Jeremy, shutting Casey up. Then everyone recovers from the apparent shock of finding out one of their colleagues is actually related to a Deaf Person and tell him to come out later. Natalie asks if Jeremy wants her to keep him company. Damn, BACK OFF, Natalie; the dude's just writing a letter to his sister, not waiting for his biopsy results. He declines, and they have this awkward conversation about whether or not he needs stamps, and Casey has to butt in with some crap about how HE can never find stamps, and Dana reminds him that no one cares, but not soon enough for my liking, and I'd like to say that the hearing-deprived Louise isn't missing a thing around these idiots, especially since they return to the smoking-dog debate. Dan wants to know how they know the dog is a he. "'El Perro' is masculine," says Casey. Isn't Dan an Ivy League graduate? I didn't go to some high-falutin' school like Yale or Princeton or the DeVry Institute, but I know about masculine versus feminine words in the Romance languages, and I don't even speak Mexican. "Dear Louise," says Jeremy's voice-over as the opening sequence ends, so we know we're in for an episode that rips off all those M*A*S*H episodes where Radar O'Reilly wrote home.
Back from commercial, Jeremy's voiceover says "Dear Louise" again, because I guess not only is Louise deaf but she needs everything written out twice for her. He starts telling her about how much he loves this place and other boring stuff. "I've only been here three months but it feels a lot like home to me." The camera does this circular pan, and one of the computers actually has an "I (HEART) CURLING" sticker on it, which is kind of cool except it's probably sarcastic, like those "I (HEART) NY" bumper stickers and T-shirts that are so popular. He tells Louise about how the guys invited him out for drinks, and that's never happened before. Poor Jeremy! Well, he didn't fit in at his other jobs, so I guess this makes sense. Wait a minute -- it took the Sports Night crew three months to invite Jeremy out? What a bunch of assholes! Jeremy, apparently giddy from his new-found popularity, essentially blows off his own sister by telling her he wants to join them, so this will be a short letter. He goes on to tell her about the Sports Night crew, starting with Dan and Casey. Apparently, Louise asked about what Danny and Casey are like, and since he's blowing her off, he says he'll tell her all about them in person. "For now, I'll just say that, as impressive as they are on the air..." -- surprisingly, the laugh track doesn't kick in here. We also see on Jeremy's computer screen a letter with about ten times what his voice-over has said so far -- "...the thing that constantly amazes me is that the pressure of writing and performing a live show every night never gets to them."
We're fading now into a scene where, naturally -- SPOILER ALERT -- the pressure of writing and performing a live show every night is getting to them. Well, getting to Dan, anyway. Casey bursts into the office, wanting to know what the emergency is that Kim told him about. Dan's freaking out. "Is it your mom?" asks Casey. Dan freaks out more because it's not his mom, and why did Casey jump to that conclusion and et cetera et cetera and it's really annoying. Dan finally tells him that the emergency is he has writer's block. Casey subtly conveys the fact he doesn't think that's much of an emergency. Then he seems to remember what a nutbar Dan is and tries to help. "All right, how long?" he asks. "A while now, about twenty minutes," says Danny. That was pretty funny. Dan wants Casey to talk him through this because he's "totally lost." So Casey does his best positive-reinforcement routine and goes on about how they're "the best," and it seems to be working because Dan is all "yeah?" So of course Casey reconsiders and admits that maybe they're not the best but they're in the top thirty or forty, which is such a downer statement, especially if you remember that they're on the third-ranked national sports network. Dan starts to lose it again so Casey takes a different tack, reminding him that they've won awards. Bad move, because only Casey has won; Dan's only been nominated. You want more? All right...Casey tries to pinpoint the problem, and discovers that it is "I can't write!" (said twice by Danny). Dan says he's working on Red Wings-Flyers, so Casey scoots his chair over to Dan's computer to see what he has so far. "The Flyers played the Red Wings in a hockey game last night and they won 4-3." All right, someone tell me why the 11 p.m. sportscast would have scores from the night before instead of that day. "This is more serious than I thought," says Casey. Isaac stops by to say good morning, and we leave the anchorknobs to follow Isaac as the disembodied voice of Jeremy comes in again, telling his sister all about Isaac's distinguished career, including his Pulitzer for his coverage of the Gemini missions.
Isaac walks into his office, where Dana is waiting for him. "My 16-year-old daughter is dating a Republican in her class named Chad." Oh, of course the Republican's name is Chad. Dana says something vaguely annoying and disparaging about the youth of America, i.e. she didn't know 16-year-olds had political affiliations, like God forbid a teenager should express an interest in how their country is run. Isaac then reels off a bunch of things this "Chad" does, including playing lacrosse and the French horn and doing volunteer work, all of which is negated by his status as a Republican. "A lot of folks are running in that direction these days, Isaac," says Dana. Gee, don't bowl us over with your sharp political analysis, Dana. Isaac says he doesn't want them sniffing around his women. He says he's installing a dungeon. Dana dutifully laughs, and the line got such a good reaction from the laugh track that I guess Sorkin decided to use a similar one on The West Wing.
Natalie skips in to ask if Isaac has ever heard of someone named Archibald Russell. Apparently this Russell was carjacked and beaten up pretty badly. Kelly Kirkpatrick saw the police report and thought the name was familiar and thought Isaac might know, but the name doesn't ring a bell. Natalie reminds them that rundown is in five minutes and flounces off. This is Isaac's cue to get up and pour himself a drink. It's not even noon yet!
Pan over the noon rundown meeting as Jeremy's Voice explains the rundown schedule, and we learn that these particular flashbacks are from a few weeks ago. Interesting that Jeremy is telling this story to Louise since he isn't even at the meeting. Natalie tells Isaac that she "got the 411" on Archibald Russell, like please don't ever say "I got the 411" again, please, Natalie. She says he used to play for the Kansas City Monarchs (in the long-defunct Negro Leagues). Isaac remembers; he knew the guy as A.K. Russell. "Sweetest man in the world. Terrific ballplayer. Nobody noticed him because he played on the same team as [Josh] Gibson and Jackie [Robinson]." Isaac seems a little shaken as Jeremy comes in. Isaac asks Dana to do the story near the front, and she gives it to Jeremy, who says he doesn't know if they can fit it up front. Dana tries to tell him that they can, and Jeremy keeps questioning it: "Is there really room for a story with, at best, local interest in Kansas City, maybe?" Dana just ignores the career-threatening stupidity of a guy questioning his assignment from his boss, handed down by her boss. She tells Isaac they'll put it up front before the first break. "Thank you," he says, and the meeting's over. Camera lingers over Jeremy's stricken face for half an hour as his voice-over talks about how terrible he feels, in a shot that's obviously an homage to Fred Savage on The Wonder Years. Then he says that, as terrible as he felt, it was nothing compared to what he would feel that night.
On the show that night, a sombre Casey delivers the story about Russell, noting that he's in critical condition at Mercy Hospital and the thoughts and prayers of everyone at Sports Night are with him. They go to commercial. Isaac thanks Dana. Jeremy's voice-over comes in: "And then Kim's torso came in with the note." Cut to a shot of Kim's torso delivering a note to Isaac, who passes it to Jeremy (totally ignoring Elliot), who passes it to Dana. She gives it to Chris and says they'll need a graphic. Dana informs Dan and Casey of the news that Russell was just pronounced dead. They both sigh. Dana asks to see the graphic. It's the exact same graphic as before with the picture of Russell and his name, only now it has "1917-1998" written underneath. I guess that's why they pay Chris the big bucks. The melancholy plucky blues guitar lurks in, and we go to commercial.
Back from commercial, close-up of Dana twiddling a pen in her fingers, asking Casey, "You like it?" "Yes." "Really?" "It's very nice." Casey's a little distracted, though: "Elliot, are you telling me the ice cleared, the goalies came out of the net and they just started going after each other?" and Elliot says, "Yeah, threw the gloves off and everything!" and this makes no sense to me, because any game I've ever seen where the goalies wind up fighting, it's because there's a full-scale riot already going on and the ice does not clear for a fight in hockey, because that would mean all the players on the ice get off when there's a fight, which does not happen. If anything, players spill off the ice bench onto the ice, hence the term "bench-clearing brawl," although that doesn't happen anymore since it's an automatic suspension to leave the bench for a fight. Dana asks again if Casey really likes it, and he says yes. Back to Elliot: "They threw their gloves off?" "Yes." "And we didn't have any film on this?" Elliot shakes his head. "Technically?" says Kim. "It's just one glove." "How is it one glove?" asks Casey. "Goalies wear one glove and one catcher's mitt." But Elliot says it's a first baseman's glove, and they argue about it while I turn off the television in disgust because I've had enough today.
All right, I'm back. Sports Night, my therapist said not to watch you no more. She said you're like a disease without any cure. And here's why: did it occur to Kim or Elliot (or really, I guess, Sorkin) that maybe, just maybe, a multibillion-dollar sport that is played around the world might have its own equipment and not have to raid the baseball gear at the sporting-goods store? A goalie does not wear a catcher's mitt or a first baseman's glove. He wears a blocker and a trapper. The blocker is like a regular hockey glove with individual fingers plus a rectangular pad on top; this is the glove a goalie holds his stick with. The trapper is the glove that Kim and Elliot are talking about; it is like an oversized baseball glove. But put a trapper to any baseball glove and tell me it's the same thing and you need your eyes checked. So I'm ignoring the rest of this scene, but for the record, Dana's concerned about her hair.
Jeremy's voice-over starts in with the history of Dana Whitaker, how she has like eight million brothers but her mom sent her to all-girls' schools so she would become a lady, and I don't know what Dana's mom was smoking, but any girls I've known who went to all-girls' schools were way more bad-ass than the public-school girls. ["That's goddamn right." -- Sars] Jeremy's voice-over: "The result is an irresistible combination of brilliance inside the office and something a little less than brilliance anywhere outside of it." Who talks like this, this "irresistible combination" crap? He sounds like he's pitching a stupid sitcom to network execs or something. Through all this, we are treated to Dana giving orders and striding around the Sports Night sets, and then she sees Casey walking by, so she's reduced to ditzy gibbering idiot status and goes rushing after him as he walks through the newsroom.
She thinks he doesn't like her hair, but it's only so Sorkin can cleverly reveal that she's insecure because her boyfriend is taking her to the mayor's house for dinner. Casey, less than interested, wonders what dire consequences would befall her if the mayor is displeased with her hair. Dana suggests they talk in his office because she suspects he's having some "Gordon issues," which he denies.
Jeremy outlines the whole sorry-ass Casey/Dana saga for Louise, saying that Casey is jealous of Gordon but pretending not to be and so on. "Dana knows how Casey feels and does her best to be sensitive to him," says the voice-over as the scene continues, and -- SPOILER ALERT -- Dana is not at all trying to be sensitive to Casey. "Do you feel inferior because he's a lawyer?" says Dana. I can see right now that this whole scene is going to irritate me to the point of violence, so I'll just sum up that Dana knows Casey is envious of men with post-graduate degrees, which is pathetic if you ask me, and apparently Gordon lost some big organized-crime case that he's sensitive about, and Dana doesn't want Casey to bug him, but I suspect Casey just might. Hard to tell, though.
Another rundown meeting. The Tertiary Characters seem very concerned about Dan's writer's block, which is apparently continuing. Natalie splashes water in his face a couple of times for "shock therapy." I know I feel like I've got electrodes and wires hooked up to me at the moment. Or at least I wish I did, because high-voltage current would be a little less painful for me right now.
Elsewhere, Casey comes strolling by Gordon sitting on a couch. They exchange pleasantries. Then they whip out their dicks and find out that Gordon's is longer. If Sars wants more than that (uh, recap-wise), she can pay me by the word. SARS: please insert get-your-ass-back-to-work-type comment here, please, boss...FINE. Casey says Dana told him Gordon was bummed about losing the case, so Casey's not going to make any jokes. Gordon says he appreciates that. Casey then proceeds to make jokes, surprising the hell out of me, but not Gordon, who gets a good one off on Casey by saying that nothing Casey says can rattle him because, as he says, "I'm just happy to be here, happy to be talking to you, happy to be having sex with Dana every night." Heh. Casey shuts up momentarily, but it might have just been to give the laugh track sufficient guffawing time. Casey lists the damning evidence against the defendant (including a tape of him saying, "I did it. I did it. I killed him dead") and wonders "what a guy has to do to get thrown in jail on your watch." Gordon suggests running Casey through an IRS audit and finding out. Casey says he's clean, but Gordon points to a board behind the coffee machine and asks if that's Casey's name in an office football pool. And of course, this being ABC, it is actually a "Monday Night Football" office pool, because everywhere else people join pools in which all the games count, but I guess here at CSC people only bet on shows broadcast on ABC. Big fat whatever on that one. Gordon asks him if he's familiar with some sort of statute that I guess has to do with gambling or something, and when Casey says no, Gordon suggests leaving "the smarty-boy remarks to those of us with post-graduate degrees." Casey says "okay" and limps off.
He runs into Isaac and whines that "Gordon is a more formidable foe than I suspected." Isaac doesn't care, though, and repeats his complaint that his daughter is dating a Republican. Isaac really got screwed in the plot department in this particular episode.
Casey joins Dan at the desk, where he is "looking for [his] talent." Still no luck with the writer's block. Casey tells him he needs to relax and sip his coffee. Yes, coffee, full of caffeine, nature's tranquilizer. As Dan takes a drink, Natalie comes up behind him and honks an air horn at him, causing him to, yes, spit his coffee all over the place. It's more of her stupid shock therapy. "Natalie, I don't have the hiccups," he says. She nods attentively, then grabs his glass water and splashes him in the face again. All right, that was funny. Casey busts a gut laughing. Someone on the Sports Night boards suggested this might have been improvised, and it does have that feel; Casey is laughing and looking off camera at someone, it looks like. It looks like a blooper outtake. Hell, it made ME laugh.
That night's show. The boys mention the Montreal Canadiens and even use the nickname "Les Habitants," but I'm still pissed at the catcher's-mitt thing so it's too little, too late, I'm afraid. During a commercial break, Dana is rude to Will and Chris. At the desk, Natalie warms the boys about a typo in the TelePrompTer; it's supposed to say "bulging disc," but the "s" is missing. And in case anyone misses how hilarious that would be, Casey reads the script and...d'oh! He almost said "bulging dick"! Now I get it!
This really just sets up Jeremy telling Louise about Natalie. He alludes to making her dinner and falling asleep, and says things have seemed kind of awkward between the two of them since then. Let's see, Jeremy snores while Natalie guzzles wine -- yep, it's a mystery to me why Natalie has gone off Jeremy a little bit. Anyway, his letter moves into the present day as Jeremy talks about hearing music, and WE HEAR MUSIC, and the rest of the gang stumbles in completely bombed. It has been an hour, people. Either the Sports Night crew are really amazing drinkers, or they're really terrible drinkers. Dana slurringly yells for the music to be cranked up louder, and of course it is "Boogie Shoes," and Dana tosses her jacket aside and starts shimmying with Jeremy, who wonders what's going on, like maybe he has never seen a drunk person before. Apparently, drunken Dana got them thrown out of the bar. Casey is blabbing about something to do with Barney Fife for some reason that I didn't catch, and the show's almost over so it's much too late for me to rewind to catch some muffled dialogue. Dan is doing that pointing sprinkler dance thing with some girl we've never seen before. Dave comes in with another girl we've never seen before. Dana rather unfairly puts her arms around Casey's neck, gives him a come-hither look, and starts dancing. Dan's girl is getting very friendly with him. And by "very friendly," I mean rubbing her ass around the general vicinity of his crotch.
Natalie pulls Jeremy aside. I thank God she's not drunk. She says she's going to do something and she doesn't want to startle him. Then she leans forward and kisses him. Aw. And she brought him stamps. Aw!
Jeremy signs off by telling Louise that Dan got over his writer's block. Turns out this girl (whose ass has moved from Dan's crotch to the photocopier) is a professional beach volleyball player who is a fan of Dan's. She's really impressed with his writing and asks, "What goes through your head?" as he drunkenly and blatantly leers down her dress. "And in that moment, Dan was reminded once again of why he wanted to write in the first place. It's for the same reason anybody does anything...to impress women." Well, that really gets you right about there, doesn't it?