By Daniel
Just like last week, this week's episode of Sports Night has a mini-crossover with another one of ABC's shows, this time NYPD Blue. Only whereas last week the characters on Spin City were watching Sports Night, the CSC show, this week's cross-promotion seems to acknowledge that it's just a show. It's two women detectives, one played by Kim Delaney, and a blonde one who I don't think is on the show anymore and whose name I can't remember. Delaney is making sure Blondie is going to tape Sports Night for her. She also insists that Blondie tell her what happens with Dana and Casey, even though Blondie said she'd tape it. Then ABC Voiceover Guy says, "Get to know Dana and Casey," along with a clip from the episode where Casey practises his flirting on Dana, and he's all goofy. Except that unless you know what that scene was about, it kind of looks like Peter Krause forgot his lines. Then there's a shot of a Sports Night baseball cap, the popularity of which shot up exponentially when Ol' Dirty Bastard wore one in a video, to the flashing lights on a police cruiser, and ABC Voiceover Guy says, "It would be a crime to miss it." Because NYPD Blue is about cops, you see. So it's really a very clever line. And I assume anybody watching said, "Well, if the writing on Sports Night is as sharp as that 'crime' joke, I'm there!"
We come up on a very sedentary newsroom. The Tertiary Characters are all sitting around, not saying or doing much of anything. This doesn't bode well for this episode, I have to say. It reminded me of this birthday party I went to when I was twelve. Nobody really liked this kid, but he sent invitations to everybody, and my mom said it would be rude for me to bail on it. So it was me and five or six other guys whose moms cared about crap like that at this kid's house. He didn't even have Nintendo, for God's sake. So we all just sat around, just like the TCs here. Elliot says something about what a slow news day it is. Chris and Dave both agree, and then Will and Kim each say something like, "Yet here we are," and here we go again with the unspoken rule that every TC must get a line. Just once I'd like to get the sense that Sorkin wasn't consulting a TC dialogue checklist to make sure all their lines are evenly distributed. Can't a TC be sullen once in a while? I bet Will would do great sullen. I bet Will has a rifle at home he's always polishing. Elliot says something about waiting for the games to start. Approximately three days later, Kim asks him when the first game starts. Elliot tells her they start in about seven hours. Kim's eyes go wide and she says "wow," which is coincidentally the exact same expression she has in several daydreams of mine.
The slow news day ennui has made its way into Dan and Casey's office. They're sprawled on the couch and, because this is the show where nothing happens, it takes them about four times longer to run through their usual circular dialogue. Dan's asking Casey about a shirt that he's missing (a "white J. Press") that Casey says isn't a favourite (because he doesn't have a favourite) and he didn't forget it anywhere (it's just missing). Casey has no interest in this conversation, which doesn't answer the question: how did this even come up? Since Casey's not speaking about it, did Dan say, "So, Casey, do you happen to be missing any shirts?" Anyway. Dan finally remembers the number one reason guys wind up not having shirts they didn't actually lose: women. Dan starts smirking, and Casey tells him to leave it alone. It's Danny's theory that Casey went to a women's apartment, had sex and wine. Or wine and sex, or whatever. Casey grudgingly admits it. Then Dan says something more about Casey's "rosy glow," and I really want to punch Dan. At least when my friends figure out I've recently had sex, they don't talk about anything dumb like a "rosy glow"; they hoot and say cool stuff and refer to me as the D-Train. I'm glad this scene is over now. ["With gems like 'D-Train,' I can't imagine why." -- Sars]
Well, not that glad. We move to Jeremy in Isaac's office, outlining his problem of the week in excruciating detail to Dana and Isaac. I love Isaac's expression here. He's slumped in his seat, holding his head in his hand. He's not even looking at Jeremy, who's explaining that Natalie has invited him to her family's house for Easter. So he's worried, because a) it might be a little soon for this kind of family function, and b) he's Jewish. "And her family is, like, incredibly, not." Jeremy says it's not a problem for him, but he's worried it might be a problem for her family, because, as he puts it, there are those who think he killed Their Lord. "Not me directly, mind you, I didn't drive the getaway car or anything." Then he asks Isaac what he thinks. Isaac looks up, startled. "Oh my God, were you talking to me all this time?" he asks. Jeremy offers to start over. Okay, I don't think there's enough time left before this planet spins out of orbit and falls into the sun for Jeremy to tell that story again, but Isaac says "okay," as long as Jeremy hits him over the head with a blunt object. Dana asks Jeremy if there's any news to report. When Jeremy (eventually) says no, she ushers him out the door by telling him Isaac has a lot of work to do.
After Jeremy's gone, Dana starts prattling on about how Isaac's their boss, not their bartender (not that Isaac "the noon-hour slosher" Jaffee isn't qualified to be their bartender) and shouldn't have to listen to personal problems all day long. So you know where this is going. "Gordon stood me up last night," says Dana. "Were you supposed to go out?" asks Isaac, which, for Isaac, is kind of a dumb question. Dana confirms that they were supposed to go out, without pointing out that it would hard for Gordon to stand her up if they didn't have plans. "Ah," says Isaac. Dana asks him if that's all he's got to say. "I'm surprised I could muster up that much," says Isaac. Heh. Dana goes into a tizzy, making excuses for Gordon, who said he had to work late -- he's got an important job, blah blah blah, lots of enabler crap. Isaac says that when he was eleven, he had a fish that died. Dana wants to know what that has to do with her and Gordon. Isaac says he thought she was finished. Again, heh. Isaac tells her to go do her show, so she reluctantly leaves. On her way to the door, we hear someone knocking, but when she opens the door, Casey is just arriving, so I guess in addition to everyone's personal problems, the gang of Sports Night is going to have to contend with a poltergeist wreaking havoc this week. Lousy poltergeist!
Casey asks how last night went and she describes what a wonderful time she had, but doesn't say anything about gettin' bizzay. And Sars is getting on me to quit with the juvenile euphemisms with sex, so I'd like to rephrase that and say that Dana doesn't say anything about, uh, being intimate with Gordon. She leaves, Casey watching her. He asks what that was about, and Isaac starts grumbling about Tuesdays at noon when nobody has any work to do and nothing to keep their minds busy. With Dana gone, Isaac has gone back to work. Casey sits down and asks if everybody's coming to Isaac with their problems. Isaac, thinking he gets to bitch now, starts to say, "As if I care!" but Casey interrupts him to say, "I had sex last week for the first time since Lisa and I split up." Isaac gives up and resumes the same position he had when Jeremy was whining about spending Easter with Natalie's possibly anti-Semitic family. Casey says he's feeling conflicted about it; it was with a woman he hardly knows, and he has to confront some unresolved feelings about Dana. Isaac just looks at him. "Plus I really miss my shirt," says Casey. Isaac gets up. He tells Casey to keep talking, he's just going to start drinking now. Oh, okay, Isaac -- like that's why. Commercials.
Back from commercials, we see Jeremy at some cooking centre apparently left over from some extreme cooking show on CSC or something, but what we hear is the conversation between Dana and Natalie in the editing room we can see over Jeremy's shoulder. Natalie's asking about some feature they're working on about the box-and-one, which sounds like an incredibly thrilling piece. Dana's not all that interested, as she's too busy watching Jeremy. She asks Natalie what he's doing. It only takes Natalie three hours to actually explain it as we move inside the editing room; first she has to say non-helpful things like, "Isn't he sweet?" when we don't even know what the hell he's doing. Natalie says Jeremy's making eggnog. Dana has to ask why. Natalie says it's because he hates it. Finally, she explains that he's trying to get used to it because he thinks Christians drink eggnog at Easter. Okay, that is kind of sweet. It's remarkably stupid, especially for a guy as smart as Jeremy, but it is kind of sweet.
I actually wish we could focus more on Jeremy's eggnog plot, because what happens now is about eight hours of Dana whining. She and Natalie head back over to the editing machine to look at an example of the box-and-one that Dana doesn't like, and Natalie says something about North Carolina. Apropos of nothing, Dana says, "Everything's good!" a whole bunch of times. Natalie clues in that she means everything's good with her and Gordon, and she nods supportively while Dana goes on and on about how everything is great and the skiing weekend was great and such, and it's obvious to even Natalie that Dana is only trying to convince herself (and doing a lousy job of it). So Dana cranks it up a notch by saying, "It's better than good," and Natalie I guess is as tired of Dana's love life as I am -- I mean, she's trying to be glad for Dana here, but she's really trying to get some work done, as implausible as that is on this show. Dana pretends to buckle down and do some work, but then interrupts Natalie again to say, "Here's the thing." Aw, Jesus. I hate when someone says "Here's the thing" on this show. Nothing good ever follows. Dana says she's prefacing what she's about to say by reminding Natalie that everything's good. Natalie pretends to believe that everything's good, and Dana explains that Gordon stood her up. Natalie asks why. Dana says he told her he had to work late. Natalie suggests that maybe the guy is telling the truth. Dana says she's sure he is, because "Gordon doesn't lie" (whatever that's supposed to mean), that Gordon wouldn't lie to her and that he often has to work late, so "I am just a ridiculous person," she says, and giggles. And in television's rule of overemphasizing something right before it gets all torn down, everybody who has ever watched television before now knows that Gordon's going to be revealed as a big ol' liar before the thirty minutes are up. Natalie asks Dana if she wants to talk about it. Dana says that she just wants to work. No! It's a trick! As soon as they get back to work, Dana says her instinct is to call Gordon. Natalie's horrified and tells her to repel that instinct. They both agree that it's not attractive and that Dana doesn't want to be that kind of woman. Dana picks up the phone and mimics saying something like, "Were you really working last night or can I turn you off more by being insane?" God, this is PAINFUL, which I guess is maybe partly the point, but still. She hangs up the phone and acknowledges that sometimes she is that woman, which Natalie concedes. But she tells Dana she can grow, which brightens Dana up. But then she says she doesn't think it's going to happen today. Natalie asks if she's going to call him. Dana says she wouldn't put it past herself. Natalie starts pleading with her not to, but Dana picks up the phone and starts dialing.
Tight close-up on Dan's face. Really tight. You can see his nose hairs. He's slurping some sort of beverage. He wants to know exactly how the shirt was left behind. Turns out that Casey spilled some wine, the shirt was thrown in the laundry, and in the morning he didn't feel like sticking around so he threw his jacket on over his t-shirt and left. Dan says that Casey slinked home, but Casey challenges his use of the word "slink." Dan goes over the pertinent details -- when Casey left, it was 6 a.m.; it was just getting light out; he was wearing his jacket over a t-shirt; therefore, "you slinked home, my young friend." Dan says he's never felt closer to Casey in his life. He's smirking. I kind of am too. I like the early-morning slink home. I mean, it's not one I've done very often -- it's pretty much restricted to one-night deals, and I'm not really like that -- but that walk home feels pretty good; it's more like a strut than a slink, if you ask me. It's been awhile since I've done that, but maybe that's because I have a car now. It's not the same in a car, really. It's hard to strut in a car. Especially in an '89 Tempo.
In the editing room, Dana has Gordon on the phone and is about to explain why she called. Natalie yells for Dana to abort, and mercifully Dana does. She just says, "Daaaaaah, there was no reason for this call!" Then she giggles like a crazy woman and starts to babble about calling in the middle of the day. All the while she's holding what looks to be a mouse pad with this weird cow pattern, and she's kind of waving it around, so at first I was so jumpy from frayed nerves from this excruciating scene that I was kind of freaked out about it, thinking to myself, "WHAT IS THAT THING?" but as the scene wore on (and I do mean "wore on"), I just kind of focused on the cow mouse pad and prayed for the scene to end. It's just so long, though. Dana starts making happy squealing noises on the phone and whispers to Natalie that "this is really good," stuff like that. When she gets off the phone, she tells Natalie that Gordon said he'd come by after the show and they'll go for a drink. Dana's fake enthusiasm continues apace. She says everything's fine, that Gordon's tone of voice was all she needed to hear, and more along these lines of barely coherent babbling, interrupted only long enough to note that Jeremy is still at it mixing the eggnog. Someone tell the poor schmuck you can actually buy it in cartons. Well, maybe not at Easter. Which actually might clue him in.
Dana continues over-explaining that she felt strange before talking to Gordon, and now she doesn't feel strange. How nice for her; I am getting queasier by the moment. Then Dana admits that she does still feel strange, and looks to Natalie for reasons why. Luckily for us all, Natalie has a theory. But -- what's this? Dana gets suspicious and says she doesn't want to hear it, but it's too late: Natalie's theory is that Dana doesn't like Gordon. Dana sarcastically pretends to consider this, then says Natalie is totally wrong. Shit, if disliking Gordon is wrong, I don't want to be right. Natalie tries to persuade Dana to be honest by pointing out that it's just the two of them talking, their own little coven of women. Dana doesn't feel so looped over the whole Gordon thing that she can't take the time to correct Natalie's pronunciation of the word "coven." Then again, it was pretty egregious. Natalie says, "Well, thank you, Sars." Hee! No, she says, "Well, thank you, William Safire." Dana denies that she doesn't like Gordon, saying that she in fact loves Gordon. Natalie says when Dana uses that word in a romantic context, she has no idea what she's talking about. For the first time in what seems like years, Dana shuts up. Quietly they go back to work, in the silence that ensues when someone tells a friend a hard truth. Eventually, Dana says that was a lousy thing to say about Gordon. Natalie points out that she didn't say it about Gordon, she said it about Dana. Dana pretends to try to work again, then says she's going to call Gordon again. A little pissed off now, Natalie expresses mock surprise. Dana asks her for some privacy, and Natalie says she's going to get some Fritos. What? Fritos? She asks if Dana wants any. Dana says she's fine. On her way out, Natalie says she'll be the judge of that. "Apparently you will," says Dana.
Fritos?
Outside, Natalie walks over to Jeremy and wearily starts in on how thankful she is to be dating such a mature guy. He smiles and nods, and doesn't say a word. She stares at him for a few moments, then tells him to swallow the eggnog. "I just can't," he says, and as he opens his mouth, the eggnog spills down his shirt. Wah wah! Commercials.
The TCs have not moved. At all. And now, for some reason, Kim starts going on about Salarino and Salanio from The Merchant of Venice, who brought news of Antonio and Shylock. And Sorkin is so starved for dialogue that he actually makes Kim ask each of the other TCs in turn if they remember Salarino and Salanio, the venticelli ("little winds"). And since this is the most culturally well-rounded sports crew ever, they all do (well, except for Elliot). Dave says, "Man, this is about as bored as I have ever been in my life." So can someone explain why the audience should be interested? Jeremy strolls up. Kim stands up and says, "Jeremy, good Jeremy, what ho?" and of course Jeremy's all "'what ho'?" and Kim says, "What news?" After a quick, strangely unquestioned explanation about the Merchant tie-in, Jeremy fills them in about Dana and Casey and Gordon and Danny and everything else that's going on. He does a pretty good job of recapping. I mean, he's no Aaron, but let's face it, even Aaron hasn't been himself since Jagr was traded to the Capitals. After Jeremy is done, Dave doesn't look any less bored. He asks if it would be wrong if Sports Night just made up stories. Elliot says it would indeed. That's true, but I don't think anyone would have objected if Sorkin had made up a damn story for this episode of Sports Night.
Dan and Casey's office. Dan is practising his putting and asking Casey if he made breakfast for Mystery Sex Woman. Casey says he left because he felt uncomfortable. "You could've fried her an egg, dude," says Danny. Then Danny points out that there's a question he hasn't asked yet, and that's who the Mystery Sex Woman is. Why? Because that's not what men do, apparently. We don't do a whole lot of things that women think we do. Or something. Personally, I think women know a whole lot more about us than we think. But we don't even need to discuss that. It's not relevant. The only thing that matters is that a thirty-second discussion on how men don't ask questions like that only means that we're leading into Dan asking a question like that. Which he does. But Casey won't tell. "We can do this the hard way or we can do this the easy way," says Dan. "What's the hard way?" Shitty James Woods movie? No. Danny hasn't actually figured out what the hard way is, just that the easy way is for Casey to tell him. Casey magnificently refuses to give into this unyielding pressure. Dan suggests whispering it in his ear. "Oh, you know that's not going to happen," says straight-as folk-Casey. Dan suggests writing it down on a piece of paper if that's easier. Casey wants to know why that would be easier, and Dan says maybe the name's difficult to pronounce, but Casey assures him it isn't. I guess it's safe to assume Casey didn't nail Yevgeny Kafelnikov, then. I mean, it's safe to assume Casey wasn't intimate with Yevgeny Kafelnikov, then. Dan acts like this admission from Casey is a major clue. Yeah, good one, Dan. You're Nancy frigging Drew over here.
Oh, god, no. No more clingy, neurotic Dana. I can't take this. It is not fair. I wish I'd seen this episode before Sars and Wing Chun originally asked me to recap Sports Night, because this is too much. My eyeballs are bleeding and my hair is falling out. I want out. I can't do this anymore. I know that it can be healthy to express your feelings, even if more than a couple of girls have told me I'm not very good at that, but there has to be some middle ground between bottling everything up and yakking so incessantly that some poor bastard who has to recap your show wants to gnaw his own hands off so he can no longer write. Don't think I haven't considered it. It's only due to MBTV's lack of medical benefits that I still have opposable thumbs. ["Out of respect for your so eloquently expressed feelings, I will leave that opposable-thumbs line entirely alone." -- Sars]
Calm blue ocean.
Dana asks Natalie if she thinks Casey's been seeing Sally. She asks it THREE TIMES. Natalie says no each time. "Just like that?" says Dana. Natalie's confused, but it's Dana's opinion (and keep in mind that she's a complete lunatic) that Natalie said "no" too quickly, that she didn't seem to think about it at all, when we all know that if Natalie had paused to consider it at all, Dana would be curled up on the floor in a fetal position, MUCH LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW. They discuss how they both think they'd know if Casey were seeing Sally. Yes, because the idea that a person might keep something to himself in this place is a foreign concept. Dana then points out how discreet Casey is and wonders why Casey wouldn't be seeing Sally, who is "the best-looking woman...in the world," and Casey just got out of a ten-year marriage to a "pretty hideous wench." "Wench"? "Wouldn't you be seeing Sally?" asks Dana. And the idea of Natalie seeing Sally provides a moment's respite for me. Dana and Natalie start complimenting each other's body, which was also nice. Then Dana gets all gloomy and points out that Sally hasn't made her advances a secret. "She is 'Sally the Willing,'" says Dana. How nice of Dana to imply that another woman is a slut just because she's interested in Casey. So okay, Sally's a bad example. But still. Natalie puts a smile on Dana's face by telling her she knows Casey isn't seeing Sally, because he cares about Dana and knows it would hurt her feelings. That's great, really nice. I say since Dana is Gordon's girlfriend, her feelings shouldn't be a factor in Casey's decisions about whom he sleeps with. And don't give me any crap about how it's worse because Sally produces West Coast Update, because that's just so much blah blah blah to me.
Anyway, Dana's feelings apparently aren't a factor, as we see in the scene. Danny is running down a list of names that some people have trouble pronouncing, like Moira and Kirsten. Dan needs to keep in mind that some people are idiots. Casey doesn't want to talk about it, but Danny says he has nothing else to do. Casey tells him to get the score of the Michigan-Michigan State game, and lo and behold, Sally comes swinging in from around the corner and delivers that very information. Some verbal sparring with Dan ensues; Dan wonders why she's wearing heels when she's nineteen feet tall. Sally asks him if he's feeling diminutive, and Dan completely loses the fight because he doesn't know what "diminutive" means. This is what passes for an Ivy League education these days? Personally, I think tall women who wear high heels kick ass, and a good example was this tall woman I met in the bar a few weeks ago who was at least five-ten, and on top of that was wearing heels, and on top of that was also complaining about how short the guys in the bar were. It wasn't the first time I've thanked God that I'm six feet tall.
Having dispatched Dan, Sally tells Casey that she "can't find it," and she and Casey speak in this cryptic manner for a few moments. Danny watches with interest as Casey is really obviously trying to hustle her out of there. Sally tells Casey that it may be in someone else's laundry, and Casey almost looks back to see if Dan caught that. Okay, even with this nonsense dialogue, Dan would have to be a complete idiot not to notice that Casey is acting exactly the way guys act around women they recently slept with and now seem to regret it. It's been my experience, though, that when a guy acts this way, it's not after sleeping with a woman who looks anything like Sally. Sally says the dreaded phrase that guys hate to hear in this situation: "Maybe I'll see you later?" Nothing makes a guy realize quite as quickly just what an asshole he is when he hears the hopeful "maybe I'll see you later?" when he wasn't really planning on that. And I'll quickly point out that I don't have volumes of experience in behaving like an asshole so I don't deserve to be the subject of a Tomato Nation polemic any time soon, but I have been there. Sars, quit looking at me like that. ["Hey, girls have to parry the 'maybe I'll see you later?' too, you know. Asshole." -- Sars] Anyway, Casey is perfectly noncommittal, and Sally leaves. It takes Casey only eight hours to turn around and face Dan. Casey tells Dan that he only thinks he knows what they were talking about, then offers up the single lamest excuse ever and says Sally borrowed his cross-country skis. "That may have gotten mixed up in the laundry," says Danny, but Casey tries to bluff his way out of it. Dan says, "This is a recipe for disaster" (after commending Casey for "climbing Mount Sally" -- heh). Casey tries to shrug it off, but Dan wants to make it clear that Dana shouldn't find out about it. "I know," says Casey. "Do you?" says Dan.
Isaac's office. Jeremy walks in and proceeds to put my Catholic upbringing to shame by knowing more about Easter than I do. Isaac still isn't interested in listening, but Jeremy presses on with more Jesus babbling, the resurrection, God made flesh, et cetera, because he did a "search" on the word "resurrection." I did a search on "resurrection" too and I got a bunch of crap about video games. So then I did a search on "bootylicious." Anyway, Jeremy has one question: "This relates to the bunny rabbit how?" Isaac's delivery of "get out" is perfect.
Dana and Gordon are snuggling in the control room when Casey hammers on the window and suggests they get a room. He says it jokingly, but they really should. As he comes into the editing room, Dana and Gordon unpeel from each other in a too-late nod to decorum. Casey and Gordon make friendly small talk, and when Casey says, "You're here early," Gordon says, "I like to watch Dana in action," and putting aside the fact he deserves a punch in the nose for the way he said that, I figured Ted McGinley would be the sole cast member who wanted the laugh track cranked even higher and expanded to include the hooting and whistling he'd get after delivering a line like that on Married With Children. Dana decides she should do some work and tells Gordon, "Shout if you need me," and he follows her and says, "I need you," and Dana giggles. At least I think she giggled -- I was too busy groaning at the weeniest way possible a guy could ever tell a woman he needs her. Dana leaves. Casey asks Gordon if he's ever met a woman who works downstairs named Sally. "Really tall?" says Gordon, who then says yes, they've talked a couple of times. "Yeah," says Casey, thoughtfully. Gordon just looks at him. After a moment, Casey starts to walk away, Gordon watching him. Casey stops, pauses, then comes back and says, "Don't take my friendship with Dana for granted." "What do you mean?" says Gordon. Casey explains that it's fine to pretend he's secretly in love with Dana as long as that's all it is -- but he cares about her a lot and would go to certain lengths to keep her from harm. Gordon crosses his arms. "What's on your mind, Casey?" says Gordon. Casey: "You're wearing my shirt, Gordon." I love this scene. I never saw that coming the first time I watched this episode; it completely knocked me on my ass. Anyway. Gordon says, "I was wondering why it felt so tight." Yeah, good one. Your big man act might have been a little more believable were it not for your little "I need you" crap just a minute ago.
Casey, alone in his office. A giddy Dana comes in and asks what Casey and Gordon were talking about. Casey says "nothing" but Dana presses, keeping her voice light. Casey still says "nothing," though. Dana says Casey and Gordon are getting along well now, and says she's glad about that. Then she says that things are going well now with Gordon, and she almost sounds like she believes it, and Casey says he's glad about that. Then we get an annoying sequence where Dana says "what" and Casey says "nothing," and before this can be completely pounded into the ground, Elliot comes by and says, "The games have started." Dana and Casey look at him, kind of uncomprehendingly. I'm not sure, but I think this may be the first time that I've had to use this ol' MBTV standby: we get it. Dana skips off; Casey, looking fairly lovesick, watches her go. Crank up the "Crimson and Clover," please, we're out.