By Kim
Tony is back to work and back to visiting Melfi. He hires a buff new bodyguard/driver, but is frustrated when the guys treat him like an invalid and don't show him much respect, even questioning his decisions. After talking it out with Melfi, Tony decides to reassert his dominance in the pack by beating up the biggest guy in the group -- his new bodyguard/driver. Tony actually does beat the guy up, but afterward he pukes what appears to be blood in the bathroom. Meanwhile, Uncle Junior gets sent to a psychiatric facility, where we learn that he still doesn't remember shooting Tony. Meadow and Finn are still together, but Meadow is pointedly dodging all questions about a wedding date. Speaking of weddings, the New York and New Jersey Families prepare for the wedding of Johnny Sack's daughter, Allegra. Johnny is allowed out of prison for the big event, but he is accompanied by two U.S. Marshals, who aren't messing around. Before the wedding, Phil asks Tony to help out New York by whacking Rusty, who's getting too big for his britches. Tony tells Phil no, because he needs to set limits with Johnny. At the wedding, Johnny peer-pressures Tony into taking on the job of whacking Rusty. As Allegra and her new husband leave, and everyone stands around waving goodbye, the Marshals interrupt to drag Johnny back to prison. Johnny is so upset about the whole situation that he bursts out crying in front of everyone. Even Phil is disgusted by Johnny's womanly display. Vito leaves the wedding early in order to sneak out and go to a gay bar, where he runs into some wiseguys from New York, who recognize him. Vito grabs a gun and checks into a motel, and then calls Silvio to see if word has spread yet, which it hasn't. At the end of the episode, no one has heard from Vito in a few days.
Rusty studies an invitation to Allegra Sacrimoni's wedding. His wife walks into the room, and he hands her the invitation, saying, "Look at this shit." Remember, Rusty was a Little Carmine loyalist, and never thought Johnny Sack should have been promoted with Big Carmine croaked. Anyway, Rusty grimaces and looks quite like the Joker. Or a frog. It's funny how some of the guys, as they get older (Paulie, Tony) are still scary and intimidating and some of the guys (Rusty, Sil) just look like caricatures of their former selves. Like, I would not find Rusty frightening, but meeting Paulie in a dark alley would cause me to pee my pants.
Six weeks later, Johnny Sack nervously waits for his lawyer to bring by a suit for him to wear in court. Johnny's lawyer requests a temporary release to attend Allegra's wedding. The prosecuter thinks the whole thing is ludicrous, but the judge agrees. However, Johnny can only get out for six hours, and must be escorted by U.S. Marshals. He also has to pay for the Marshals, the transportation, and "metal detection screening equipment." He can't drink, either. Johnny Sack quickly agrees, and his family (Ginny and their two daughters) celebrates.
Tony hires Perry Annunziata as a bodyguard and driver for his first day back at work. Carmela welcomes Perry into the house, and Tony limps in, referring to his new friend as "Muscles Marinara." Perry assures Carm that he can protect Tony, because he was "first runner-up, Mr. Teenage Bloomfield." Did that competition entail taking bullets for people and the proper use of brass knuckles? Because I don't know that posing while oiled up is going to help much with protecting a mob boss. Tony assures Carmela that everything will be fine, and they kiss goodbye.
On the drive to work, Tony checks out Perry's biceps and starts a conversation about Perry's workout regimen. Tony pretends he used to be a gym rat, before the shooting and all, claiming that "there was a time when [he] could bench over three hundred pounds." Yeah, three hundred pounds of baked ziti and chicken parm. And by "bench," I mean "eat." Some dump truck passes them, and Perry seems a little aggressive, and like he might be susceptible to road rage. And also not very bright. But he's got big muscles and wears tank tops. Tony gets Perry calmed down and they continue driving.
Tony goes back to Melfi for the first time since the shooting. Tony opens by asking for a mercy fuck. Melfi is not amused, and Tony says he's just kidding, and acts all jovial about being alive. He reveals that he hasn't spoken to Junior since the shooting, and doesn't plan to. Melfi thinks they should have a lot to talk about, but Tony blows off her concerns and keeps up the jolly front. Melfi keeps pushing, and Tony blows up and says that he might be suppressing things, but that right now he feels like each day is a gift and he doesn't want to delve into it. Tony wants to pick up where they left off, before he was hospitalized. Melfi asks about AJ, and Tony says that he flunked out of college and got a crappy job. Melfi reminds Tony that he never finished college, either. Tony thinks that a job at Blockbuster is "the first stop on the Shitbird Express." What's the last stop? I'm guessing heart attack on the toilet at age thirty-five from doing too much coke and eating a lot of binding foods. Melfi thinks that AJ could learn from Tony's mistakes. Tony says that he got "caught up in domestic violence," and it's weird to hear that term for something other than spousal abuse. Melfi says that she was talking about "the bigger picture: the ready access to guns, the use of violence to stop disputes, because of the nature of [Tony's] work, [Junior's] work." Man, Melfi doesn't exactly pussyfoot around Tony's real occupation like she used to, does she? Melfi concludes by pointing out that at least AJ has an honest job. The unspoken (or at least only heavily implied) part is "Unlike you, Mob Boy."
The guys sit around the back room at Satriale's, playing poker. Christopher and Paulie are going head to head, and Christopher wins. One thing I feel is missing from this show is the shots of people cooking. Remember in GoodFellas when Paul Sorvino had a whole kitchen set up in prison and he would slice the garlic super-thin? Why don't any of these guys ever cook a meal? Anyway. Tony arrives and gets hugs from everyone. The guys are falling all over themselves to make things comfortable for him, to the point of being condescending and treating him kind of like an invalid. Paulie, in particular, is ordering the various soldiers around with lots of finger snaps. Tony asks Vito about the bidding process on the municipal swimming pool, and then decides to show off his scar. Christopher shows off his own scar from when he got shot. Tony goes on and on about his recovery, but eventually Sil changes the subject, because no one cares. One of the guys -- and I have no clue what his name is, but he looks like a giant Mr. Clean -- offers to be Tony's nursemaid, because he nursed his own mother when she had lupus. He even considered a career in health care. Tony starts talking about how he lost muscle mass instead of fat while he was in the hospital, but Christopher interrupts to start the poker game back up. Tony looks around at the guys warily, kind of recognizing that he's lost some of his power.
Junior, his lawyer, the prosecutor, and a judge meet in the judge's chambers. The judge recommends that Junior be sent to a psychiatric facility for further evaluation. Junior's lawyer argues to have him sent to a private facility so that he can get better and go to trial.
Visiting Day in prison. Johnny Sack argues with Allegra over the seating chart for the reception. He gets mad at Ginny for not being on top of the situation, and Ginny says that she's had other things on her mind. Johnny points out that he's not exactly footloose and fancy-free either. Allegra starts to get upset about all the fights going on among her wedding guests, and her fiancé tries to calm her down. I've been wondering about the fiancé. I mean, obviously he knows what he's getting into, given that they're visiting his future father-in-law in prison where he's awaiting trial. Does the guy want to become part of the family, part of the Family, or both? Katherine, Johnny's other daughter, is super-skinny and smoking. Allegra, in contrast, is pleasingly plump. She's not as big as Ginny, but she's probably larger than average. (I only mention it because if you didn't see the episode, you need to know that to make sense of some of what goes on later.) Johnny apologizes to Allegra, and says, "We are going to get through this as a family: dignified, proud, despite all the persecution and roadblocks." He assures the fiancé, Eric, that he's part of the family too, and makes Eric call him "Dad." Johnny tells Allegra to make sure she eats, and reminds Ginny to do the same. I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't think Allegra or Ginny need reminders to eat. I mean, I don't either. Ginny says she's only eight pounds away from her goal weight. Katherine blows up and asks if they can ever talk about anything besides food. Man, would I love to see a Sacrimoni family counseling session, because these people have got some issues.
Tony quits the poker game. One of the guys is surprised that Tony is leaving so soon, but he says that his doctor told him to pace himself. Tony tells Perry -- whom he calls "Penne Arrabiata" -- to go start the car. Tony explains to the guys that the nickname is because Perry has "red pepper flakes up his ass -- a fucking hothead." Phil shows up to visit Tony, who reluctantly sees him. Phil wants to talk outside, and Tony, again, reluctantly agrees. Once they get outside, Phil reports that Johnny wants "the mayor of Munchkinland," a.k.a. Rusty, whacked. Johnny is worried that Rusty will "find another puppet, like Little Carmine, and try to run the family through him." Johnny wants Tony's crew to do it so that it won't be tied to the New York Family. Tony says no, deciding it's time to set some limits with Johnny. Phil is surprised, but wishes Tony well and walks away.
Tony struggles up the stairs in his house, breathing heavily. He tells Carmela that he's tired, and gets right in bed. Carmela joins him, and they cuddle, agreeing that it feels great.
Christopher and some of the other younger guys hang out at the Bing, enjoying the company of half-naked ladies. The Middle Eastern guys show up to talk to Christopher, who makes a "forty thieves" joke that no one laughs at. Christopher sells the guys credit card numbers and tries to make an American Express joke, but the guys don't get it. Christopher needs to learn how to read the room. The guys brought some dates (the fruit, not ladies) for Tony, which Christopher quickly dumps off on Little Paulie. As Christopher answers his phone, the guys ask if they can buy "some Tec-9 semi-automatic extended magazine" weapons. Well, that's incredibly specific. They claim to have a family problem. Christopher doesn't answer them, but goes back to his phone conversation, where he tries to talk in code and gets confused. The other guys just stare at the dancing lady's boobs. Weird ending to that scene. I know that this whole plot is somehow going to be related to Agent Harris asking Christopher to report terrorism, but did Chris agree to sell them guns or not? It was never resolved.
In the scene that was missing from the season premiere, Carmela runs down the driveway in her bathrobe and gets to the paper before Tony can. She was tipped off by a phone call from Rosalie Aprile. Carmela grabs the paper and tosses the local section, which has a front-page story about Junior going to a psych hospital. The greatest part is that the headline is "Cushy psych lock-up for 'Don Squirrel-Leone'." Which is a bit long for a newspaper headline, but it still made me giggle.
As Johnny Sack smokes in his jail cell, Deputies Feather and Mayweather, U.S. Marshals, show up to escort him to the wedding. Feather remind Johnny that his release is at their discretion, and that they can bring him back whenever they want. Johnny doesn't pay attention, because he's too busy yelling at his lawyer for bringing out-of-style shoes to wear with his tux.
Carm and Tony prepare to go to the wedding. Carm writes out the card and check and reminisces about Allegra's christening, which seems like yesterday. Tony cracks, "1980. Fifty pound bundle of joy." Meadow walks in and Tony starts talking about her wedding. Meadow is grossed out that her parents keep tabs on how much money they give to brides at weddings, and Tony explains that they need to make sure the Sacrimonis don't stiff Meadow on her big day. I seriously don't get what happened in American culture that turned weddings into for-profit ventures. I'm not going to lie: when I got married, my husband and I spent part of our wedding night counting cash. But it wasn't like I singled out people and said, "Can you believe they slipped us $10? Cheapskates! We gave them $50!" or whatever. ["Hey, that was all we could afford! The Canadian dollar was very weak!" -- Wing Chun] And my dad, who paid for part of the festivities, absolutely never asked who gave how much. Anyway. Meadow complains about all the pressure she feels about getting married, and Carmela says that Tony is the one pushing for a wedding. Meadow says that Carmela is always talking about having a grandchild. Tony wonders if she and Finn have set a date, and Meadow says, "This discussion is over." Look, I get that it's really none of Tony's business, but I don't think that question is out of line from one family member to another. Tony goes into an emotional speech about how, since his coma, he looks forward to holding his grandkids, and Meadow looks upset and rushes out of the room. I wonder what is going on with her and Finn.
Tons and tons of people show up at Allegra's wedding, and since each has to go through the metal detector to get in, there's a big line outside the church. The Marshals show up with Johnny in handcuffs, and everyone waiting outside rubbernecks. The security people take forever harassing people trying to enter the church. Phil complains to Tony that Johnny had to pay for all the security out of his own pocket. Meadow, shocked, asks, "The government did that?" I thought Meadow was a little more worldly at this point. I could see AJ asking that question, but not her. Tony complains that it's hot, and then has trouble getting through the metal detector because he forgets to remove his watch. A security lady wands him and asks him to remove his shoes. Tony looks mortified and pissed about the whole thing, so Carmela bitches, to no avail. Tony bends over to remove his shoes, and kind of swoons. Finn and Christopher catch him, and AJ rushes to get a chair. Christopher loosens Tony's tie and collar as the rest of the people in line rubberneck some more. Man, this wedding turned out to be pretty exciting and it hasn't even started yet! I'm sure the neighborhood gossips will go on this material for weeks. "Yes, Brenda! Johnny Sacrimoni was rushed in wearing handcuffs! I heard they made him wear the cuffs as he walked his daughter down the aisle, bless her heart. And that Tony Soprano had a minor heart attack outside the church. You heard about his uncle, right? The crazy one? And his daughter, what's her name? Fawn or something? She must be going crazy with stress, the poor thing. She looks like she hasn't eaten in weeks. I heard she and her fiancé broke up, too, but he just came to the wedding with her to make Tony happy. Well, wouldn't you? Oh, honey, my Bundt cake is almost done. Call you later." Anyway, Meadow bitches at the security guards, and Mr. Clean removes Tony's shoes for him as Carmela rubs his head.
During the ceremony, Christopher wonders about Allegra's name: "Isn't that a cold medicine?" Paulie whispers that her name means "happiness," in Italian, and Christopher asks, "What the fuck's that got to do with cold medicine?" Is Christopher getting dumber or what? Did Adriana take part of his brain with her when she died? Allegra and her husband look extremely happy. Tony looks emotional, and may actually be tearing up a little. Meadow looks worried. Vito stares at his wife's wedding ring and looks guilty.
At the gaudy reception site, Rusty and his wife walk in. Carm and Tony sit on a couch while Meadow and Finn stand nearby. AJ walks up and asks his date if she wants some seafood. His date is too busy smoking to eat, and adds that she doesn't eat fish, "because of the toxins." No one points out the obvious, which is that AJ manages to land a real brain trust. Mr. Clean shows up with drinks for everyone, including "a club soda for the convalescent." Tony looks kind of peeved at the nursemaid treatment. Vito walks up and tells Meadow that she looks "stunning," and then makes some comments about how great Finn looks while Finn nervously eyes the nearest exit. When Vito mentions grandkids, Meadow and Finn both nervously look at the floor. What is going on with them?
Vito pulls Tony aside and says that the guy in charge of approving bids for the shopping center is a degenerate gambler, so they have some leverage over him. Vito also hands over some more money to him.
Johnny and Tony hug. Tony tells AJ that if he wants to be an event planner, he could learn from the reception. AJ snips, "An event planner? Where do you get this shit?" God, what a little bitch. I want to slap the grease right out of his hair. Tony and Johnny talk about how good it is to see each other, and Tony asks how much Johnny spent on the wedding. Johnny says that not counting the honeymoon, it cost $425,000. Jesus. ["For one day! Gross! Wouldn't you rather have, I don't know, a house?" -- Wing Chun] Tony has the same reaction, but Johnny points out that events like this are what they should be spending their money on, because they're why you work in the first place. Or you could give the money to charity and just throw a barbecue or something. I'm just saying. Did you really need the fourth ice sculpture?
Johnny wants to talk business, but Tony is nervous about the Marshals nearby. Tony suggests that they go say hello to Johnny's dad, an old man sitting at a table with a bunch of other senior citizens. Tony sits down and pretends to be talking to Johnny's family so that the Marshals will leave them alone. Tony tells Johnny that he can't whack Rusty. Throughout the conversation, the oldsters keep interrupting with "hilarious" old-people lines like, "What did he say?" I'm not repeating them here because...they're just not that funny. Johnny insists that Rusty is insubordinate, and that his attitude will spread to others, like Phil. Johnny points out that Rusty should have been made boss when Carmine died, but that Rusty turned it down. Tony remembers that he told Johnny to turn it down, too. Tony doesn't see why he should take on the additional risk. Johnny plays the pity card, talking about how he will probably get tossed into jail for a long time, and Tony finally agrees to take care of Rusty. Johnny promises that he won't forget it, and Tony says his goodbyes and walks off.
Allegra and Eric DiBenedetto are introduced as husband and wife. Their first dance song is "At Last," which is the song I walked down the aisle to, and now I'm embarrassed that it was such a cliché. Finn and Meadow look at each other without much joy, unlike the newlyweds, who are beaming. Everyone joins in the first dance. Tony even asks Carm to dance, to her shock and delight. Meadow and Finn dance too, laughing together. Vito dances with his wife, but there are a few feet between them. I wonder if they have sex. I don't want to see it, God forbid, but I'm curious.
Junior arrives at his psych facility. There are a bunch of zombie-like patients sitting out in the lobby. An orderly tosses Junior's suitcase on a dresser, and it's seriously the suitcase that Junior's father brought over from the old country or something. That thing must weigh a ton. Junior's lawyer tries to make the best of things, and promises to check in at the end of the week. Junior insists that he didn't shoot anybody, and begs to go home. Then Junior says that the gun malfunctioned. The lawyer isn't sympathetic, forcing Junior to sit down on the bed, clearly having lost his patience with Junior's excuses.
Allegra and Johnny have their dance to an extremely jaunty version of "Daddy's Little Girl." Tony and Meadow look at each other and share a nice moment.
In the lobby, Tony tells Christopher that he wants to bring someone over from Naples to do Rusty, because the shooter could be out of the country hours after the whacking. Christopher thinks that's "a pussy-ass maneuver," because they won't have full control over what goes down. Christopher adds that Tony should just tell Johnny that they won't do it. Tony says that Johnny asked as a favor, and Christopher thinks it's like The Godfather, where you can't refuse a man a favor on his daughter's wedding day. Tony points out with disdain that the movie states that it's the other way around: the man can't refuse a favor on his daughter's wedding day. Christopher thinks Tony should have asked not to do the killing, as his favor. Tony reminds Christopher about Phil and how pissed he still is. Tony and Christopher argue over it, but Tony finally says that doesn't care what Christopher thinks.
Vito leaves early, claiming to be sick from the crab cakes. He hustles his wife and kids out of there.
During the cake cutting, the band plays some inane version of "The Farmer in the Dell" that goes, "The bride cuts the cake." Allegra smashes the cake into Eric's face and everyone dies laughing. These people are starved for amusement. I really don't get what the whole cake feeding thing is about. I don't get cake cutting, either, for that matter. We had sheet cakes, like three different kinds. And no one saved a piece for me. Not that I'm still bitter, even though I got married four years ago. So I guess the benefit of cutting the cake yourself is that you are guaranteed to get a slice. Ginny sits in a chair, watching and clapping, and I think she must be on medication, because she looks totally out of it. The Marshals tell Johnny to wrap things up, because it's time to go. Johnny protests, but his lawyer says that they can't do anything about it. Johnny calls the Marshals "heartless pricks," and takes another drag on his cigarette. New York has a smoking ban in public places, so it always looks weird to me when I see people smoking in public buildings nowadays. Although when you're paying almost half a million dollars, you can probably smoke wherever the hell you want.
Everyone comes out front to see the wedding couple off. Johnny hugs Allegra, as does Ginny. The couple gets into an old-fashioned car, and the driver starts to pull away, but his path is blocked by the Marshals in their SUV. Mayweather grabs Johnny in front of everyone and tells him it's time to go. Johnny asks them just to let Allegra go, and then Johnny will come with them peacefully. The argument gets a little ugly, with Allegra crying from her car, and it ends with Johnny being led away in cuffs. Johnny bursts out crying in front of everyone. Ginny faints, landing with a thud. Allegra runs out of the car to her mother, whose dress has ridden up to reveal that she's wearing knee-highs. I know that was probably supposed to be funny, but why wear stockings when you've got a long dress on? And you can bet that Ginny was wearing some sort of girdle, so she didn't need the control top. I realize I'm overthinking this. The Marshals take off with Johnny as everyone heads back inside.
In the lobby, Phil is bitching about Johnny crying. Tony defends Johnny, talking about the emotion of the day. Phil isn't buying it. Tony says that daughters bring out raw emotion. Phil says, "If they can make him cry, and he's that weak, what the fuck else can they make him do?" Christopher agrees with Phil, and Tony snaps at him. An outsider walks by and says something about Johnny, and Phil defends his boss. I didn't realize that Phil's loyalty to his boss was so tenuous.
At the Spatafore home, Mrs. Spatafore watches Imitation Of Life late at night as Vito sneaks out to "make some collections." Mrs. Spatafore is kind of pissed, but soothes her nerves by sipping her General Foods International Coffee and celebrating the moments of her life, particularly those moments where she is spurned by her gay husband.
In bed, Carmela tells Tony that they've been very lucky, probably thinking that at least Tony's not in prison. Tony thinks you make your own luck in life.
Johnny goes back to prison, trading his tux for his orange jumpsuit. He is led back into his tiny cell.
Leather bar, with lots of guys making out. Come on. I think this scene would have had more dramatic impact, and would even have been funnier (if that's what they were going for) if it had just been a regular bar that happened to have a lot of gay men as clientele. As it stands, it's like they're trying to give the impression that Vito's not just a little gay -- he's super-gay! Isn't that hilarious and/or shocking? Not really. Anyway, two wiseguys we've never seen before show up to pick up their protection money from the bartender. Vito is there, all dressed in leather, dancing with some guy. As the happy couple heads to the bar, they run into the wiseguys, who recognize Vito. Vito tries to play it off like the whole thing is a joke. One wiseguy, Sal, finds the whole thing amusing, and Vito begs him not to say anything. Once the wiseguys are gone, Vito's friend wonders why Vito cares what they think. Vito tells the guy to buzz off.
Vito goes home and grabs a gun from the nightstand, telling his wife he's going to take a shower and that she should go back to sleep. Instead of showering, Vito checks into a cheap motel as "Three Bells" (the one that was playing last week when Jason Barone got kneecapped) plays. Vito stares at the gun for a moment, and then calls Sil to see if his news has spread yet. Sil knows nothing, and is confused as to why Vito is calling. Vito plays it off like he was just checking in. He sits on the bed, staring at the gun, smoking.
Tony sees Melfi and explains what happened at the wedding, where he almost passed out, and adds that he's worried people will see him as weak. He thinks people are questioning his judgment in a way they never did before his hospitalization. Melfi counsels him to "act as if," pretending that he doesn't feel vulnerable. It's interesting to see how Melfi, who previously was very careful not to get too involved in Tony's business dealings, seems like she's changed her tune, much like Carmela has. I think Tony is seeing a lot of blending of the various parts of his life now. Like Vito, Tony's façade and secret life have disappeared to a much greater extent than ever before. Anyway, Tony agrees with Melfi's advice.
Outside Satriale's, Bobby plays basketball while Christopher and Paulie sun themselves. Tony arrives with his driver and surveys the lay of the land. He takes note of Bobby's fatigue and excess weight, and also glances at Paulie's bicep, where he has blacked out the part of his tattoo that used to read "Mom." Inside, everyone's eating and reading the newspaper. Tony says that he can't get in touch with Vito, but no one seems interested. The guys put on the same show they did last time, where they act like Tony is an invalid, and certainly don't snap to attention when Tony is around, like they used to. Tony looks around the room at the various guys, seemingly sizing them up for strength. Tony picks a fight with Perry, the youngest and strongest, over whether or not he slammed the refrigerator door. Perry isn't really into fighting, but Tony beats the crap out of him. I was kind of surprised that Tony had it in him, because Perry is much younger and stronger, but first of all, Tony had the element of surprise on his side, and second of all, Tony probably has a lot more experience with street fighting. Tony taunts Perry, who lies on the floor bleeding, before going into the bathroom and pukes. There's a lot of shots of the toilet, which appears red, possibly from blood. Tony looks at himself in the mirror and grins, knowing that he's regained his alpha status, but then starts puking again. All I could think was, "I wonder when was the last time was someone cleaned that toilet."