By Kim
At the FBI Jersey offices, an agent calls Agent Sanseverino into the surveillance room where he's watching footage shot in the Crazy Horse parking lot three days prior. He rewinds it and shows Agent Sanseverino some footage of Adriana tossing some garbage into a dumpster after locking up the club for the night. Adriana seems to take care to bury her garbage deep in the dumpster, and then heads for her car. Before she can drive off, she changes her mind and goes back to the dumpster, where she grabs the garbage bag and tosses it in the trunk of her car. I'm thinking it's a fetus, based on that throwaway line of a few weeks ago.
At a doctor's office, Adriana looks worried as she checks out a photo of her colon. Oh, man. Does anyone really want to see a photo of his or her colon? Anyway, the doctor tells Adriana (and her mother) that Ade doesn't have polyps, but that she does have "a fairly severe case of ulcerative colitis." The doctor asks Adriana how the Prozac is working. Ma La Cerva pipes up that Ade can't even sleep. The doctor wants Adriana to start taking prednisone, which she explains is a steroid. Adriana says sadly, "Like the weight lifters?" The doctor says that it's great for Adriana's condition, but that there are side effects, such as weight gain and swelling of the facial features. Adriana is disgusted, and the doctor says that it's like what's going on with Jerry Lewis's giant head. Oh, dear. Ma La Cerva complains, "She's planning a wedding, for Christ's sake." Poor Ade. No one cares about her pooper.
Das Sopranohaus. Tony tries to help Carmela fix the television, which is displaying a blue screen. Tony asks how A.J. did when he helped Carmela's father to redo the driveway. Carmela oh-so-casually drops the news that her mother kept asking A.J. if Tony and Carm were getting back together. Tony stares at Carm, who avoids his gaze. Tony admits that he had a dream that he moved back in. Carmela continues to stare out the window. Tony says carefully, "You know, just for the record...I realize what I did was wrong. My...activities." Carmela isn't appeased. Yet. Carmela says that if, in theory, perhaps, they were to maybe get back together, and she's not saying they will, but just suppose they did, their marriage would need to include fidelity. Tony responds, "Like Popeye says, 'I yam what I yam.'" Carmela says she didn't marry a cartoon. Tony brings up, once again, Carmela's "indiscretion" with Furio. Carmela says sharply that she didn't sleep with Furio. Tony says that they're all human, as he continues to push buttons. (On the remote, although probably also on Carmela's psyche.) Carmela admits that she got herself where she is today, but that Tony had "open indiscretions" and "total disregard." Tony agrees that it was horrible. Carmela isn't ready to let it drop, bringing up how she had a knot in her stomach every time the phone rang. Tony says that if they do reconcile (pronounced "ree-con-sile"), "that stuff will never happen again." Tony finally gets the television to work as Carmela goes back to looking out the window.
Phil Leotardo sits at a table in a diner, smoking. We fade into a flashback in which Phil checks his hair in a storefront window as his brother walks out onto the sidewalk. Phil complains about having to wait, and Billy says he was just finishing his drink. Suddenly, Diet Tony shows up and shoots Billy in the shoulder. He fires five more shots, one of which hits Phil. Diet Tony hops into a car and drives away. Phil touches his dead brother's face, and cries. Fade back to the present day.
Rusty says that Little Carmine can't stay holed up in his house. Little Carmine, pretentiously holding a brandy snifter, wonders how it came to retaliation and counter-attacks. Um, maybe when you decided to become more involved in the Family business? Little Carmine says that it's "a fucking stagmire [sic]." Rusty wonders what kind of message it sends if they back down now. Little Carmine expresses confusion about Billy Leotardo's murder, and the other guy they have to toss a line to now that Angelo is dead says, "This Blundetto asshole went off the reservation." Rusty advises Little Carmine to get out there and let everyone see him taking charge of the situation. Little Carmine says that's not how he wants to handle it. Rusty and the other guy walk out as Little Carmine stares into the fireplace.
Silvio and Tony sit in the back room at the Crazy Horse. Silvio says that he always liked Diet Tony, but that whacking Billy was a mistake. Tony says that Diet Tony almost cried when Tony put him in charge of the casino. Sil is quiet. Tony laments all he did "for that blue-eyed prick" only to get fucked over, and now Tony has to get down on his knees to Johnny Sack. Christopher walks in, and Tony yells at him for being late. Christopher says, "Highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive." I refuse to believe that Christopher is that witty, at least not that quickly, so I'm going to assume he was listening to some Springsteen in his car on the way over. Also, any other show would have cut to a Little Stevie reaction shot, but this one doesn't, which I like a lot. Christopher asks if there's any news on Diet Tony, and Sil responds, "Nah, he's still on a milk carton." Adriana walks in and Christopher refers to her as "my smelly valentine." Adriana tells him it's not funny, but Silvio cracks up. Ade gives Christopher a beer. Tony asks what he's doing, and Christopher says, "I can handle a cocktail once in a while, right?" Adriana asks if anyone needs anything else, and Tony asks if Ade's feeling any better. Christopher says that they have to replace Ade's colon with a semi-colon. What is with Christopher and the semi-witty remarks? He's not usually that quick, is he? Silvio suggests that Ade become a vegan. I can't believe Silvio even knows what "vegan" means. Ade says that the doctor told her to relax. Christopher wonders what Adriana has to worry about.
Tony says it's time to leave, so Christopher kisses Ade goodbye. Tony pauses after the others walk out and tells Ade not to listen to Christopher, because healthy people don't understand the problems of the unwell. Ade asks about Tony's skin cancer, and he says it's fine. Tony shyly tells Ade that he might be getting back together with Carmela. Ade says that it's great, and that the kids will be thrilled. Will they? Tony says they'll have Christopher and Adriana over for a family dinner soon, and tells her to feel better.
Christopher, Tony, and Silvio walk into a meeting with Johnny Sack, Jimmy Petrille, and Phil Leotardo. Tony and Sil sit at the table, while Christopher stands to the wall. Tony starts by offering Phil his condolences. Phil tells him to stick it up his ass. Tony says he was just trying to be nice. Phil asks Tony if a family member or loved one ever died in his arms. Tony says no, and Phil says that he might be able to make that happen. Tony and Silvio protest the turn the conversation has taken. Jimmy suggests strongly that Phil walk away and get a drink, and Johnny Sack agrees, so Phil walks out. Christopher manages to keep his mouth shut for once. Tony complains to Johnny Sack about Phil's behavior, and Johnny Sack replies that Phil has the right to be pissed. Tony says that his cousin acted alone. Johnny snaps, "The lone gunman theory." Which would have made an excellent episode title. Tony angrily reminds everyone how close Diet Tony was to Angelo in prison, and that that's what caused Diet Tony to flip out. Johnny Sack, totally calm, asks what made Diet Tony flip out when he whacked Joey Peeps.
Tony asks what Johnny wants to hear. Johnny yells, "I want your cousin on a fucking spit!" Tony shrugs that he doesn't know where his cousin is. Johnny looks at Christopher and says, "Maybe one of your other relatives, then." Christopher asks if he has to stand there and be threatened. Tony says that nobody's making threats, and adds that Diet Tony is in hiding. Johnny Sack says, "You either deliver that prick to my door, or I will rain a shitstorm down on you and your family like you have never fucking seen." I start to wonder exactly what a shitstorm looks like, and then I quickly decide that I do not want to know. Tony seems slightly amused. Johnny adds, "We're done here" in exactly the same tone that the Trumpster says, "You're fired," but without the flippy hand gesture. Tony looks like he wants to say something else, but refrains. He taps Silvio, and they both get up to leave. Man, Tony looks like Johnny Sack's bitch.
Some sort of scout leader walks on the beach with a troop of boys. He points out various flora and fauna. Three of the boys get bored and wander off, making dick jokes, as young boys do. One of them spots a dead body washed up on some rocks. At first I thought it was Pussy, until I realized that there would be nothing left of him to wash up at this point. But the fact that they chose a heavier fellow with dark hair can't be accidental. ["I...um, may have seen the braid and thought it was Janice, as though Phil had already followed through on his threat to kill one of Tony's relatives. I'm dumb." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, it's no one the viewer recognizes at this point. The kids are all excited to see a dead body, and the scout leader whips out a cell phone to call the cops.
Tony and Carm eat dinner at Vesuvio's. Artie hovers annoyingly and makes a comment about Meadow in a bridal gown. Shut up, Artie, and shut up, Meadow in a bridal gown. Carmela smiles tightly, and Tony looks peeved. Artie says that the Sopranos will be grandparents in a couple more years, and Carmela tells him to bite his tongue. Artie finally gets the hint and walks away, thank God. Tony tells Carm that he's been thinking about their conversation from the other day, and that her feelings really hit home with him. Carmela says that she's been thinking too, and that she needs something else in her life, especially with the kids gone. Tony immediately thinks she wants to have another baby. Does Tony understand basic biology? Carmela is at the upper edge of her child-bearing years. Carmela takes a gulp of wine and explains that there's a lot for sale near their house. She wants to build a spec house, with her father as a partner. Tony wonders how much the lot costs, and Carmela says it's $600,000. Just for the lot? With no house on it? I am so spoiled by cheap real estate. Tony looks amused at Carmela's transparent machinations. Carmela quickly says that her father would oversee construction. Tony says that he'll call Ginsburg and have him free up a down payment. Carmela asks what will happen then, and Tony says he'll move back in. Carmela looks unsure, and asks about "the other issues that were on the table." Tony says carefully, "I swear to you, on our children, that my mid-life crisis problems will no longer intrude on you any more." He nods, pleased with the wording. Carmela nods as well. Tony grins and they awkwardly give each other a peck, and then continue eating. Well, I guess Carmela finally figured out her asking price.
Christopher and Adriana walk up to the table. Tony gives Christopher a dirty look. Carmela starts talking about wedding planning with Adriana. Tony wants to talk to Christopher alone, so they head to the bathroom. Tony makes sure they're alone. Christopher asks if this is about Diet Tony. Tony angrily says that he just talked to their guy in North Carolina, who heard from the ATF because a bodega in Newark was selling cigarettes without the tax stamps on them. Christopher (who's drinking a glass of wine) says that the bodega owners were supposed to stamp the cigarettes themselves, and while I didn't detail it in that recap, I'm fairly sure he did give those instructions. Tony bitches about it some more and then wets down his forehead with water from the sink. Christopher gulps his wine and asks if Tony knows how he's going to handle the Diet Tony situation. Tony says he has to think about it, and then decrees that, from now on, Paulie will supervise the cigarette run, and Paulie and Christopher will split the proceeds. Christopher is pissed, and points out that he has a wedding to pay for. Tony sarcastically suggests that Christopher "cut out the open bar." Tony walks out, and Christopher throws his wine glass against the wall. I only wish I got to see Artie cleaning that up.
At their apartment, Christopher complains to Adriana about Tony's behavior. Christopher rambles that he put his life on the line. Adriana says she hates seeing Christopher like this. The shot widens, and we see that Christopher has a bottle of vodka in his hand as he paces back and forth yelling, "I gave that fuck pieces of my soul, Adriana. You know what he said to me? He said I should have a fucking drink!" Adriana asks when that happened, and Christopher says it was when they were upstate. Ade points out that Christopher has a sponsor for these situations. Christopher remembers how Tony and Diet Tony were breaking his balls, and says that he could take Tony out in a second, and that Tony's children wouldn't even care. I don't think Tony's children care about much, except for money, and sucking. Adriana doesn't want Christopher to talk like that, because he's a better person than that. Christopher says that what hurts the most is that Diet Tony could get them all killed, and that Tony still has doubts about what to do about the situation. Christopher seems to be forgetting that Tony has given him a number of second chances as well, especially not that long ago when Christopher threatened Tony's life. Adriana starts crying. Christopher plops down to her on the couch and says sadly, "That's the guy, Adriana. My Uncle Tony. The guy I'm going to hell for."
The FBI agents watch the Crazy Horse surveillance footage, and they see some local Long Branch police detectives entering the building. Cubitso, the bureau chief, tells Agent Sanseverino to call Long Branch and find out what's going on.
Tony walks into the hospital, where Valentina is sitting with her head wrapped in a scarf and the entire left side of her face red and burned. He cheerfully asks if she's ready to go. Valentina tearfully admonishes him for looking at her. Tony lies that she looks good, and that she'll look nice with short hair, like "what's her name...that actress." Valentina just wants to go home. Tony says he'll drop her off, but that he can't stay. Valentina asks why not, and Tony sits down and pulls the chair closer to her. He says seriously that her medical bills are covered "ad nauseam." I don't get why they're busting out all the malapropisms this season. I must be missing something. Valentina realizes that Tony is breaking up with her and calls him a motherfucker for leaving her after she was burned cooking him food. Tony -- missing the point, as usual -- points out that she could have just as easily been making something for herself. Then he admits that he's going back to his wife. Valentina starts crying and calling him names. Tony says that he's always told her that he and she didn't have a future, and that she'll meet somebody else. As Tony tries to let her down easily, his phone rings, and he sees that it's a private call. Valentina threatens to kill herself, and Tony smiles, "I gotta take this." Heh. He walks out into the hall, and we see that it's Diet Tony on the other end, but he stays silent. Tony asks where he is, and Diet Tony hangs up. Tony tries to *69 him (I guess) and is told that the call can't be completed. Valentina cries silently in the background.
Silvio sits in his office at the Bing, trying to get a stain out of his suit by using a toothbrush and some sort of aerosol spray. The phone rings, and it's Tony, who is still at the hospital. He tells Silvio to have Gerard from the phone company give him a call, because he wants to put traps on all his lines. Valentina's still crying in the background.
Adriana walks out of an Asian herbal store (I think) carrying a plastic bag. Agent Sanseverino and another agent quickly approach her. Over her protests, Adriana is practically shoved into a car so that they can talk.
Tony arrives back at Das Sopranohaus with his eight million pieces of luggage. A.J. greets him, although not very enthusiastically. Tony tells him to help with the bags. A.J. asks where they go, and Tony says, "The bedroom." Duh. The house is very dark and this scene is shot from a distance, both of which give the feeling that Tony's homecoming is less than warm. Carmela walks in, wearing an apron, and says that she was just starting dinner. Tony hands her a gift bag. Carmela opens it and finds a scarf. She says it will look beautiful with her black coat. Tony says it's an Hermes (which he pronounces "Her-mees"). Carmela gives him an awkward and stilted kiss on the cheek.
The Sopranos eat dinner together, silently. Tony tears into a piece of bread, and Carmela offers up some whipped butter. They're overly polite with each other. Finally, A.J. notes, "This is fucking weird." Carmela cracks up. Wait, Carmela cracks up at A.J. swearing? Is she drunk? Tony agrees that it is fucking weird. Tony and Carm giggle, and Tony says that they should celebrate.
Cut to Tony popping open a bottle of champagne. He pours some for Carmela and A.J., and offers some lessons on popping the cork properly. Heh. Tony would know all about how to pop your cork. Carmela tells a story about Mrs. Little Stevie's uncle, who was hit in the eye with a champagne cork at his retirement party and was blinded. A.J. snarks, "That's festive." Did I just laugh at something A.J. said? What is this world coming to? Tony makes a toast: "To the people I love. Nothing else matters." A.J. downs his champagne, as any teenager would. Tony tells him to slow down, because you're supposed to savor it. Carmela smiles at him. Then they all go back to eating silently. Except for Tony's grunting.
After dinner, Carmela loads the dishwasher. Tony sits in the room, watching television and eating ice cream. Carmela stares at Tony, perhaps thinking that nothing has changed. She doesn't look very happy, but she quickly grabs some glasses and continues loading the dishwasher.
The Feds show Adriana the footage from the Crazy Horse parking lot, and then look at her expectantly. Adriana says that she was just throwing the garbage out, and tries to act indignant that they filmed her without her knowledge. Agent Harris asks why she took the garbage back out of the dumpster. Ade says that there were bills with account numbers in there. Agent Sanseverino hands over a photo of the body that the scouts found washed up on the beach. She says that his name is Gilbert Nieves, and they found a stamp from the Crazy Horse on his hand. Ade says she doesn't know him. Another agent says that she told the Long Branch police that Nieves was in the club that night. Cubitso asks if Adriana thinks they brought her in because they don't know what was in the bag. To me, that says that they don't know what was in the bag. But I watch a lot of cop shows. Agent Sanseverino says that Nieves was stabbed in the club, and that Ade tried to dispose of the evidence. Ade protests that she doesn't know anything, and Cubitso suggests that she spill it.
Ade thinks it over, and then starts talking. Oh, Ade. They had nothing! All they knew was that the guy was at the Crazy Horse on the night he died! She tells them about Matush, the drug dealer, and fingers him as the killer. We flash back to the night in question, as Matush and a friend walk into the club. Adriana voice-overs that Matush is from Pakistan, and that Christopher didn't want him dealing in the club, but that she'd get drugs from him occasionally. Matush says hello to Adriana and asks to use her fax machine to send out an apartment application. Adriana isn't crazy about the idea, but relents. He hands Adriana a tablet of something by way of thanks, and she downs it. Matush and his friend head to the back room. Adriana voice-overs that Nieves was at the club, but that she'd never seen him before. Turns out that Matush sold him coke once, and Nieves claimed he was ripped off. As Matush struggles with the fax machine, Nieves walks in and starts shoving him around. Nieves pulls a knife and demands his money. Matush's friend grabs a marble ashtray and clocks Nieves on the head with it. Matush punches Nieves in the stomach about five times, and Nieves falls to the ground. Matush's friend bites Nieves's hand until he releases the knife. Matush grabs the knife and stabs Nieves about five or six times in the chest and stomach. Matush and his friend stand up and try to recover, and just then, Adriana walks in and sees Nieves dead on the floor of her office.
Adriana tells the Feds that they had to wait until later in order to get out the mops and clean up. In the flashback, Matush and his friend drag Nieves's plastic-wrapped body out of the office while Adriana protests and worries. Matush promises to take the body out through the basement and dump it in the ocean. Man, are the Mob members the only ones who know how to weigh down a body so that it doesn't wash up on shore? Adriana puts a bloody rag in the garbage can, and then grabs the bag.
Back in the interrogation room, Agent Harris asks why Adriana helped Matush. Adriana says that she was afraid for herself, but that she also thinks Matush is nice: "He's not a bad person. He's very religious. He prays, like, all the time. He went through this period where he, like, rediscovered his religion. He don't even do drugs anymore. He just deals. And every month he sends all his money home to his family." Cubitso asks, "In Pakistan?" Adriana explains, "His brother runs a prep school someplace for young boys. I was very impressed with that." Oh, Ade. So, so dumb. The agents look at each other like, "We are so nailing some terrorists on this case." Agent Sanseverino asks if Christopher knows what happened, and Adriana says that he doesn't. Cubitso says that right now Adriana is guilty of obstruction of the investigation, and that she could get twenty-five years in prison. Adriana protests that she didn't do anything. Agent Sanseverino angrily says, "Take your head out of your ass, Adriana. You knew exactly what you were doing." Cubitso says that they can send her to jail right now, or she can cooperate. Adriana protests that she's been cooperating. Cubitso yells that she hasn't given them anything, and that he wants her to wear a wire and get Tony and Christopher on tape. Adriana sobs that she won't do it. She gathers herself and says she wants to talk to her lawyer. Cubitso asks who it is, and Adriana pitifully says that she doesn't have "an official one." Agent SanBitcherino snarks that Christopher might know a good one. Adriana calls her a piece of shit. Yay, Adriana! Agent Harris says he'll call the public defender, but that it might take a while. The agents gather their things and leave Adriana alone.
Tony hangs his clothes back in the bedroom closet. Carmela helps, and says she'll iron his shirts tomorrow. Tony tells her to send them to the cleaners, but Carmela protests that she kind of misses it. That woman is insane. Nearly every clothing purchase I make is based on not ironing. Carm jokes that her wrist is getting weak as she makes an ironing motion. All this domesticity turns Tony on, and he offers to help give her wrist a workout. Carmela grins flirtatiously and they start doing it right in the closet.
Christopher calls Adriana and gets her machine, on which she has told her mother to add a decanter to their registry. In keeping with the "Alcoholism? What alcoholism?" theme of the episode, Christopher pours himself a glass of vodka. He leaves a message asking Adriana where she is.
Agent Sanseverino waits for Adriana outside the ladies' room. Inside, Ade sits on the toilet and listens as two other women discuss their upcoming family holiday plans. I never try to figure out the timeline on this show, because it's wacky, but I think it's supposed to be fall, and the women are discussing Thanksgiving. Agent Sanseverino walks into the bathroom and points out that Adriana's been in there for forty minutes. That's just what someone with stomach problems needs -- a reminder of how long she's been on the crapper. Adriana asks how long they're going to make her wait for a lawyer, and Agent Sanseverino says "they're backed up." Adriana says that she's been there for eight hours. She gathers her things and walks out of the stall and over to the sink, where she expresses dismay at her appearance. Agent Sanseverino offers some coffee, and Ade reminds her that she can't have coffee because of her stomach. Agent Sanseverino tries to appear sympathetic, and encourages Adriana to take their offer. Adriana says she won't wear a wire, and that she feels bad enough about her betrayal already. Agent Sanseverino says that there are "other options," but Adriana refuses to consider "witness protection." Agent Sanseverino says that Adriana and Chris are young, they love each other, and they both have their health. Well, they're young. Adriana scoffs, and Agent Sanseverino says, "Living this way is what's costing you your insides." Adriana says that she really needs a cigarette, which will certainly help her stomach problems. That's why doctors prescribe smoking all the time. Agent Sanseverino seems sympathetic again, but she's seemed that way before, and turned out to be lying.
Das Sopranohaus. Tony sits by the pool, smoking a cigar. He flashes back to sitting on the porch at Uncle Pat's house and smoking cigars with Diet Tony. Then he flashes back to the two of them as teenagers, smoking cigarettes. The guy they got to play Teen Steve Buscemi is a remarkable likeness. Tony looks upset as he ponders his options.
Agent Sanseverino goes to her bosses and reports that Ade won't wear a wire, but that she thinks she might get Christopher to flip. Agent Harris asks what has changed, and Agent Sanseverino reports that Christopher's been having problems with Tony. The other agent says that information is supported by wiretaps -- "C.I. 12" (Ray Curto?) mentioned it also -- and that it has something to do with Diet Tony. Cubitso asks what Christopher would want. Agent Sanseverino says he has an interest in screenwriting, and the head agent says dryly that he'll put in a call to Sam Goldwyn. I assumed he was being sarcastic, but the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters pointed out that Sam Goldwyn Jr. is a movie producer, so who knows? Agent Harris asks what Adriana was promised, and Agent Sanseverino says that she mentioned immunity and relocation for Adriana and Christopher. Cubitso tells Agent Sanseverino to tell Adriana she has until 9:00 AM Monday to bring Christopher in, or they'll turn her over to the Long Branch Police Department. Agent Sanseverino nods, excited that this investigation is finally moving forward.
Silvio walks into the back room at the Bing and says that Tony has a call. Nearby, Paulie and two other guys (one of whom may be Ray Curto) are playing cards. Tony gives a look like, "Diet Tony?" and Sil shakes his head and says that it's Jimmy Petrille. Tony picks up the phone and Jimmy says, "That tennis match with those guys? My guy won." Jimmy adds that the son dropped out. Tony asks if the son got hurt, and Jimmy says it wasn't like that; they just settled it. Tony hangs up and tells the guys playing cards that Little Carmine dropped out, and that Johnny Sack and Little Carmine worked out a deal. Paulie is disgusted, and calls Little Carmine "a fucking pussy." Silvio mutters that Johnny Sack is the boss of a family now. Tony says there was a time when it would have been great to have Johnny as the boss, because he's "smart as a fucking whip" and "he used to be a pragmatist." Silvio darkly says, "Some people are better at being number twos." I don't know why that line seemed important, but it did. I just wanted to note it in case it comes up later. Paulie points out that Johnny's ego is going to go through the roof.
Adriana walks into the living room of her apartment and sits down to Christopher on the couch. He asks if she was able to sleep, and she says that she did, a little. Christopher angrily asks, "So where the fuck you been?" Adriana tries to tell him that they need to talk, but Christopher thinks she's about to confess that she cheated on him. Adriana takes a deep breath and begins, "About a year ago -- more maybe, I don't know -- I was arrested." Christopher peppers her with questions, and Adriana says that it was for drugs. She asks if he remembers Danielle. Christopher thinks Danielle set Adriana up, and Adriana says that Danielle was an FBI agent. Christopher's face falls as he realizes what Adriana is trying to tell him. Adriana desperately says that they wanted to arrest him too, and that she was just trying to protect him. Adriana explains that they just wanted some information, but that she didn't tell them anything, really, and that she refused to wear a wire. Adriana continues to babble about the murder and Matush, but the camera focuses in on Christopher's face as the full reality of the situation sets in. He goes from confusion, to dread, to building rage, and finally he stands up and just flat-out punches Adriana in the face. She falls back on the couch, and he starts strangling her. Adriana coughs and tries to pry Christopher's hands from her throat, but he just tells her that they're both going to be dead, and asks how she could do this. Adriana goes completely still, and Christopher, crying, says, "I fucking loved you." He looks at Adriana, and seems to realize what he just did, so he lets go. Adriana coughs weakly as Christopher apologizes. Christopher and Adriana both sob on the couch. Christopher wonders what they are going to do, as Adriana tries to comfort the man who nearly just killed her. Man, that was intense.
Tony is watching television at home when his phone rings. He answers, and it's Diet Tony, calling from a bar. Diet Tony apologizes and starts to explain, but Tony admonishes him for discussing it on the phone. Diet Tony asks what he should do. Tony tells him not to come back. Diet Tony is worried about his sons. Tony tells him not to worry, and promises to look after them, sarcastically adding, "Anything else I can do for you?" Diet Tony knows that he's leaving his cousin "with a real pile of shit in [his] lap." Tony sits thinking for a moment, and then confesses that on the night of the crime that put Diet Tony in jail, he wasn't there because he had a panic attack. Diet Tony asks why Tony's telling him this now. Tony says he felt guilty about it all these years, because he felt like it was his fault that Diet Tony went to jail. Tony says that now they're even. Diet Tony asks if the casino and everything was all done out of guilt. Tony doesn't respond, but Diet Tony already knows the answer. Tony tells his cousin to take care of himself, and they hang up. Tony immediately calls Gerard, the guy at the phone company. When Tony reaches for a pad of paper, you see that someone in the house has been reading books about New Jersey Real Estate Law. Nice touch, Prop Department. Anyway, Tony finds out that the phone call from Diet Tony came from a business in Kinderhook, New York, which is upstate. Tony recognizes the name of the town, and hangs up. He rubs his face for a minute, and then calls Uncle Pat in the nursing home. Tony makes small talk, and then asks if it's true that there was a problem with the construction at the farm. Uncle Pat says that the developer is waiting for a special permit, so the house is sitting empty. Tony doesn't seem too happy to have the knowledge of where Diet Tony really is, since that means he'll have to do something about it.
Adriana and Christopher are still talking, apparently having stayed up all night for this discussion. Things seem to be going a little better for Adriana as she reminds Christopher how much he loved their vacation in Lake George. She thinks they could live someplace like that, and Christopher agrees that he could finally write his memoirs, because apparently the only thing that's been keeping him from writing all this time is his day job. Adriana says that they could have a fireplace, too. Christopher reminds her that they could never come home. Adriana insists that she won't care, as long as she can be with him. Christopher says that she could never see her mother again either. Adriana doesn't say anything to that, and asks Christopher if he wants some eggs. Christopher says he needs to clear his head, because it's a lot to process and he needs to think. He puts on his shoes and says he'll be back in a little while. Adriana desperately begs him to stay, and Christopher says he's just going to buy cigarettes. Adriana offers, "Smoke mine! Don't smoke! you're gonna want a vodka!" Heh. Christopher tenderly tells her that he loves her, and gives her a kiss. Adriana watches him walk out, wondering if he's going to come back, not realizing that it's the last time she'll ever see him.
Agent Sanseverino's phone rings as she drives down the highway. She answers, and Adriana reports that Christopher is into the idea of witness protection. Agent Sanseverino asks when they're coming in, and Adriana says it'll be a couple more hours, because they're packing. Agent Sanseverino is upset at the change in plans, but Adriana says that she knows Christopher will change his mind if she pushes him. Agent Sanseverino gives her until 1:00 PM. Ade nods and hangs up.
Christopher fills his giant Humvee with gas, which must cost, like, a million dollars. He wipes a smudge from the finish and notices a family walking out of the convenience store and getting into what looks like a Chevy Citation. And I only know that because my dad used to have one. Anyway, this one is two-toned and rusty, and there is a bunch of crap strapped to the top with bungee cords. Christopher watches Daddy Mullet Sweatpants, Mommy Bleached Blonde, and their three Junk Food Brats load into the car. The look in Christopher's eyes says, "No fucking way." It's really obvious in retrospect, but on first viewing, I wasn't sure what that was about, and I think part of it is that while I knew that the ending of this episode was inevitable, I'm so emotionally invested in the characters that I didn't want to believe it would happen.
It's nearly 1:00 PM. Adriana packs her clothes into a red suitcase. The phone rings and she cautiously answers it. It's Tony, calling from a pay phone in a strip mall. He assures her that everything is okay, and then says that Christopher tried to commit suicide. Adriana asks if he's okay. Tony says Christopher was in Ramapo, and that he took some pills and a cop found him in a diner bathroom and took him to the hospital. Tony adds that Christopher's mom is on the way to the hospital now. Adriana looks stunned and crestfallen as she realizes that their plans aren't going to work out after all. Tony asks if Adriana had noticed anything wrong with Christopher lately. Ade says she hasn't, and Tony says that Mrs. Moltisanti said that Christopher seemed upset about something. Knowing what we know now, I have to wonder if Tony was putting the screws to Adriana, or trying to get her to confess, or what. Tony says he's heading to the hospital, and that he'll send Silvio to pick her up. And that's when I realized that Tony knew and the jig was up. Tony doesn't seem to want to get off the phone; he brings up Christopher's recent drinking spate, and then tells Adriana that he'll see her up there. Adriana grabs her head and sits down on the couch. Run for it, Ade!
Adriana drives down the Turnpike, crying, with her red suitcase in the passenger seat. I was so happy about this scene that I cheered out loud, alone in my living room like this: "Yay! Go, Ade!" I'm a nerd. And a sucker, because after a moment, the scene changes, and we see that Adriana is sitting in the passenger seat of Silvio's car, and that the footage was just her daydream. Or she was realizing that's what she should have done. As they drive along, Silvio says he'd stop to eat, but that he wants to get to the hospital before Tony. Adriana says she's not hungry. Adriana stares out at the woods on the side of the road and swallows hard. Silvio comments that the hospital will keep Christopher for a few days for observation and some tests. Adriana is silent. Silvio gets off the turnpike. Later, he comments that Christopher is strong and resilient. Adriana starts crying even harder and continues to look out the window. Silvio notices and asks Adriana why she's crying, because Christopher will be fine.
Silvio slows down and pulls off the main road onto a smaller road into the woods. I don't know why Adriana didn't say anything at this point, except maybe that she was numb. I know some people felt like Adriana knew what was coming the whole time, but I really think the show has gone to great lengths to show that Adriana is in deep denial (witness being impressed by Matush's contributions to schools in Pakistan). "Barracuda" plays on the radio as Silvio wheels off the road and into the woods themselves. The low-level dread that has shrouded this entire episode comes rising up and says, "Hey! You were right to be concerned!" Silvio stops the car and gets out. Adriana finally realizes what's going on and starts to panic. She tries to crawl across the front seat of the car away from Silvio, who has opened the passenger door as she screams, "No, no, please!" Silvio grabs her roughly and asks where she is going, and then calls her a fucking cunt. He tosses Adriana onto the ground, where she tries to crawl away from him through the leaves while crying, "No! Nooooo!" Silvio calmly walks after her and pulls out a gun. Adriana crawls out of the frame, and Silvio walks after her. We hear one gunshot, and then another, as the camera pans up to the sky. Sniff. Goodbye, Adriana! You were dumb, you made horrible decisions, and your death before the season was out was inevitable, but I still felt sorry for you. I will miss you most of all.
Back at the apartment, Christopher finishes packing clothes into Adriana's red suitcase. He then drives her car to a dump site somewhere and tosses the suitcase into some weeds. , he takes her car to the airport and parks it in long-term parking. So the cover story must be that Adriana freaked out and took off. It's sad to see how easily she can be erased from existence.
Tony meets with Johnny Sack in their usual meeting place. Tony jovially greets Johnny by calling him "the King of New York," and kisses him hello, offering his congratulations. Johnny says that this is the last time they will meet this way, because "it's undignified." Wow, Paulie was totally right about the ego thing. Tony's grin fades. Johnny Sack asks about Diet Tony's whereabouts. Tony hesitates and says he thinks he knows where Diet Tony is holed up. Johnny Sack waits for Tony to spill it. Tony says he knows it has to be dealt with, but that he's asking Johnny "as a friend" to let Tony handle it. Johnny says he can't. Tony points out that Johnny is the boss and can do whatever he wants. Johnny calmly says, "I choose not to, then." Tony decides not to fight this particular battle, and asks Johnny to promise that Diet Tony's death will be quick. Johnny says he won't lie -- that Phil's going to do the job his own way. Tony makes one more plea for mercy, and Johnny coldly replies, "Anything else?" Tony walks away. He looks back and sees Johnny picking tobacco from his tongue. Something in that gesture, and the whole way that the conversation has gone, causes Tony to snap. He walks back and says, "You know what, John? I'll give you undignified. Go fuck yourself. You and Phil and whoever. He's my fucking cousin." Tony gets in his car and drives away.
Christopher sits in the back room at the Bing watching The Three Amigos. Tony walks in and we see Christopher's bleary eyes and pale skin as he twitches. Tony says hello and asks Christopher if he's all right. Christopher slurs that the movie is funny. He must be on drugs! Tony glances at the TV, and back at Christopher, who's practically nodding out, and asks Christopher what's wrong. Christopher confesses that he snorted some heroin, because he "can't stand the pain." Tony gets up and knocks Christopher off his chair. Tony kicks Christopher a few times and asks, "You think you're alone in this?"
Agent Sanseverino informs Cubitso that they made a judgment call because Adriana sounded okay. Cubitso asks where Christopher is, and Agent Sanseverino says they saw him yesterday, leaving the Bing with Tony. Agent Harris asks if they should bring Christopher in, but Cubitso doesn't think it'll get them anything. Agent Sanseverino says that Adriana might have fled, and that she could be in China by now. The other agents just look at her like, "Oooohkaaay. You go on thinking that." Agent Sanseverino leaves the office. The other agent asks how they should handle the Nieves murder. The boss says that because of "the terror possibility," they can take it over from the Long Branch police department.
The camera shows the trees and the sky in what appears at first to be the same shot from the end of Adriana's death scene. The camera pans down to show the leaves on the ground. Are they showing that same scene in reverse? Are they going to show Adriana's lifeless body being eaten by the bear or something? These were the thoughts that went through my head. We hear footsteps scuffling through the leaves on the ground. Did Adriana somehow live? Tony and Carmela walk into the frame. Carmela says that it's beautiful, and Tony agrees that it's a gorgeous piece of land. The camera shows some other houses nearby, through the trees, and I realize that this is the $600,000 lot that Carmela was discussing earlier. Carmela continue to give the details while Tony gets sadder and sadder. He sits on a nearby stump, tearing up a little. Carmela asks if he's okay, and Tony grabs her hand and says, "Absolutely." The camera pulls back as we see Carmela and Tony standing alone in the woods. One more to go.