Irregular Around The Margins

Meadow dances sweatily at the Crazy Horse while a rock band plays a song that sounds a lot like "Gloria" but isn't. She stops and tells Finn and her friends that she'll be right back, and then heads for the restroom. Before she can enter, she encounters her dad, who's walking out of the men's room rubbing his nose. Ooh, Tony is busted! They are surprised to see each other, and not a little uncomfortable. Tony surreptitiously tries to wipe his nose again to remove any lingering gak. Meadow asks why he's there, and Tony says he has an office in the club. Tony tries to pull the dad card and make Meadow promise that there won't be any drinking and driving, but Meadow fixes him with a look like, "Mobster, please," and asks who his designated driver is. Tony teases that he's not the one with all the dents in his car (foreshadowing!), and Meadow smiles tightly. Tony kisses her on the cheek and asks belatedly if she needs money, but Meadow is already past him. Tony keeps yelling fatherly advice to her, knowing he's totally busted, as he continues wiping his nose.

A tracking shot follows Tony out into the club. Adriana rushes up to Tony and asks if he saw Meadow. Tony angrily says that he wishes he had known she was there, and wonders what she could be thinking. Probably the same thing Meadow has thought for about two seasons now: "My father's an ass, but at least he pays for shit." Ade apologizes, saying that it's been busy, and that a kid is having a seizure upstairs. The look on Tony's face when Ade mentions the kid having the seizure is hilarious. He's like, "A what? A seizure? Should I stick my wallet in his mouth?" That reminds me: in high school, I made a pact with my best friend after we learned about seizures in health class, and how you shouldn't stick anything in the person's mouth (which apparently used to be the conventional wisdom, to keep the seizing person from biting his or her tongue). So we decided that if either of us ever fell somewhere embarrassing (like on the stairs, or in the senior hallway), the other person should stick a wallet in the fallen girl's mouth to make it look like a seizure, and then later we'd go to McDonald's. I don't know. It made sense at the time. Vinnie Delpino rolls up and tells Tony that "Vito and Gene just called" and that they're five minutes away. Tony kisses Ade on the cheek and says they're leaving. Tony tells Vinnie to set up the meeting at "Bud's Butter Barn" (I think that's what he said), and Tony and Vinnie leave the club.

Meadow returns to Finn and her friends. Finn thinks he just saw Tony. Meadow sarcastically says, "He's got an office here." Finn -- who must be really dumb -- asks why Tony's working on a Saturday night, noting that Tony must be really dedicated. Does he not know Tony's occupation? Meadow just sips her drink and kind of rolls her eyes. She brightly suggests to the group that they go someplace else. Meadow is all George Costanza: "Worlds are colliding! Meadow's getting very upset!"

Adriana and Agent Sanseverino are driving somewhere. Adriana notes that Tony's been spending a lot of time at her club lately. Agent Sanseverino asks if that has something to do with Adriana, and Ade scoffs, "If you think I'm going to blow this guy for your sick purposes, you are sadly mistaken." Hee. Nice that Adriana's mind immediately jumped there. Agent Sanseverino reminds Adriana that they were talking about a phone call Christopher got, and Ade shrugs that it was just some guy with a Southern accent, and that Chris yelled at him for calling the house, and then said he'd see the caller "down there." Agent Sanseverino asks where "down there" is, and whether Adriana checked the log on Chrissy's cell phone. Adriana has a look of great disgust on her face as she says that she hasn't done that since she almost was busted trying, and that she refuses to try again. Agent Sanseverino tells Adriana to wait until Christopher is in the shower, and to memorize any numbers she sees in the log. Suddenly Adriana is supposed to have a head for numbers like the guy from A Beautiful Mind? Adriana grimaces and says that she has to go to the bathroom. Agent Sanseverino doesn't care. Adriana holds her stomach and says that it's "number two." Agent Sanseverino says she'll take Adriana to her car. Adriana urgently says she has to go right now. The car screeches into a convenience-store parking lot. Adriana hops out, and it is revealed that she's wearing white spike-heeled pumps with white (purposely) ripped and tattered jeans. My God. ["Worst pants ever to be wearing in a potential poo emergency, I have to say." -- Wing Chun] I know Adriana isn't known for her classy sartorial decisions, but that was a new low, and I was worried that they were going to go for a poop joke. Remember the chicken vindaloo? I also totally thought that one of the crew would spot Adriana at this unscheduled stop. Thankfully, I was wrong on both counts.

Cut to Tony wincing in pain as a doctor sews up an incision on his head. Tony asks for a general anesthetic, because the Lidocaine isn't working. Eh, just pour some coke on there, Tony. The doctor ignores Tony, because he's finished with the sutures. The doctor walks out holding a slide, and says he'll get it down to the lab and see what's going on. The nurse gives Tony a bandage for his head, and puts a funny scrub-style shower cap on him. She helps Tony to sit up, and asks if he's okay. Tony asks if the doctor got it all, and the nurse says that they hope so, and that she'll let him know when the results come back. Unfortunately, I've had enough of this in my family to recognize that Tony just got a potentially cancerous mole or growth removed.

Adriana is at a different doctor's office, getting her stomach checked out. The doctor roughly massages her stomach and asks her if having a bowel movement relieves the pain. Adriana says that it does. He asks if she would describe the diarrhea as "loose or liquid." Too much information! Adriana says it's the latter, and adds that she's afraid to be away from the toilet in case she has an accident. The doctor feels one spot and asks if it's tender. It isn't. Adriana sits up, and the doctor asks about her personal life, adding that sometimes "G.I. disturbances are stress-related." He asks if "anything unusual" is giving her "the jim-jams." Hee. I think I want this guy to be my doctor. Anyone who says "jim-jams" is all right with me. Adriana just stares at the doctor and then says that she wants something to make her stomach better, because having to go to the bathroom all the time is what is giving her stress. The doctor tells her to get dressed, and they'll talk in his office. The doctor walks out, and from the hallway, we see Adriana sitting on the table, swinging her legs, and looking incredibly alone.

Das Sopanohaus. Tony counts out some money on the kitchen counter while Carmela sits, sketching a bowl of fruit. I thought that was weird, but I guess we're supposed to think that Carmela is attempting to make herself more cultured or something, and taking up new hobbies to fill her expanded free time. ["That's an old one." -- Wing Chun] Carmela tells Tony that she heard he's been "spending time with today's youth." Tony shrugs and says he doesn't know what she means. Carmela relates that Meadow said she saw Tony at the club. Tony defensively says, "I gotta explain my business to you now? After so many years?" Carmela tells Tony it's his life, which forces one to wonder why she brought it up in the first place. Carmela asks about the bandage on Tony's head, and Tony lies that he banged it on the medicine chest. He hands over a stack of bills and tells Carmela that it's her allowance, which would steam me, but then again, unlike Carmela, I would do my best never to get in a position where I have to rely financially on someone else. Tony plucks an apple from the fruit bowl, and Carmela looks stunned that he totally ruined her nice tableau. No symbolism there, eh? Tony checks out Carmela's sketch and comments that it actually looks like fruit, as he continues to chomp on the apple. Carmela bites her tongue and mildly says that it's "so hard." Tony asks, "What do you do it for?" I think that exchange sums up Tony perfectly. Why do something if it's difficult, even if it might mean being a better person, or have a better long-term outcome? Tony refuses to make the hard choices in his personal life, instead choosing to coast along, while Carmela recently made probably the most difficult decision of her life, in the hopes that, in the end, her life will be better. Or I could be reading too much into it. Tony glances at the apple in his hand and at Carmela's sketch, realizing that he screwed up the scene. He tries to put the apple back, bite side down. Heh.

In their tiny, tiny bathroom, Christopher and Adriana attempt to get ready to go out. Christopher shaves while Adriana applies her eleventeenth coat of mascara. Christopher disgustedly asks, "Irritable bowel syndrome?" Adriana says that they're still waiting for test results, and that she has to bring in a stool sample. Christopher is grossed out, and Adriana reminds him that he forced her to go to the doctor in the first place. Christopher wonders if he needs to know every detail. Who knew Christopher was such a delicate flower? Adriana, looking for some sympathy, says that she could be really sick. Christopher says that his Aunt Josephine had "her whole asshole rotted out." Who's giving every detail now? Adriana isn't getting the sympathy she wanted, so she tells Christopher that she may have to go into therapy, and that she's going on Prozac. Christopher skeptically asks, "For diarrhea?" Adriana says it's to handle stress, which is what causes her problem in the first place. Christopher asks what she has to be stressed about. Adriana pouts sadly and suggests that she's stressed about "war" and "the Middle East." Christopher thinks the President has everything under control, and that soon America will control the world. He's an idiot and he votes! Actually, he probably doesn't vote. Actually, he's a fictional character, so I need to let it go. It's not exactly the reaction Adriana was hoping for. Christopher walks over and kisses her tenderly, and then continues his ablutions.

At the Crazy Horse, a waitress walks into the back room and brings Tony a drink while he talks on the phone, placing some bets. The waitress leaves, and Adriana walks in. She says she just needs to grab her planner, and Tony tells her that it's fine, because he's done. Yeah, wouldn't want anyone to overhear his betting habits. I love how everyone always assumes that Tony is doing deep and mysterious business, and in reality he's, like, ordering a pizza. Adriana grabs her planner from her desk. I would give cash money to read the contents of that planner, which must be filled with hair and nail appointments and little else. Adriana starts complaining about her car, which is in the shop, as she lights a cigarette. Man, did I pick the wrong week to quit smoking. Watching this show Sunday night was KILLING ME!

Tony asks about Adriana's doctor visit, and Adriana says that she's been having stomach trouble, which is why she's drinking White Russians. Heh. While the milk might help some people, I'm thinking the alcohol counteracts any soothing effect. Not to mention the smoking. Tony asks laughingly if she has ulcers already, and Adriana explains about her IBS. She seems embarrassed to be discussing this with Tony, who says that Livia had IBS all her life. Adriana nods, looking sort of happy that someone actually cares. Tony points out the bandage on his head and tells her that it's cancer. Ade is shocked, and Tony adds that it's "squaw moose." I think he meant "squamous." Adriana is still upset, and Tony says that the doctors think they got it all, but that hearing the word "cancer" is pretty scary. Adriana sits at her desk, more comfortable now. Tony says that his doctor, Katz, was recommended by Hesh, "naturally." Because there's nothing like a little casual anti-Semitism to make your Passover complete. ["Mazel tov!" -- Wing Chun] Tony asks Adriana what causes her disease. Adriana says that she "did a Google on it," and that her doctor concurs that a lot of it is psychological. She tries to joke, "So, on top of everything, now I'm a head case." Tony tells her to stop blaming herself. Adriana, overjoyed to see actual compassion from someone in her life, says that Christopher doesn't want to know about it, and is quick to add that she can't blame him. Tony has a drink, and then checks his watch and says that he needs to take off, because AJ will be home soon "from his volleyball thing." Yeah, I'm so sure AJ is playing volleyball. I see his punishment from last week lasted a long time. Tony asks Adriana not to mention his cancer to anyone, and Adriana asks him to keep her secret as well. Tony stares at Ade and orders her to take care of herself. Adriana tells Tony to say hi to AJ, and she shrugs that Tony is "such a good father" and she wishes her dad had been like that. Tony stares at Ade some more, and then wishes her a good night.

Christopher consults a map while two other guys (one of whom may be Little Paulie, but I am horrible with the tertiary characters on this show) load a van with coffee makers. Too bad Carmela didn't get one of those. Christopher expositions that they'll be picking up cigarettes. One guy asks why they can't just rent one big van instead of taking two vans. The other guy points out that the vans they have are "under the radar" and less likely to be stopped by the cops. Adriana runs out in her pajamas and A ROBE (in case Aaron wants to refer to that later) to hand Christopher his folic acid. I thought that was mostly for pregnant women, so who knows why Christopher is taking it. He looks puzzled as well. Adriana peers into the van and ask what all that stuff is, noting that there is a "beauty parlor chair" inside. Christopher says, "If they've even heard of electrolysis down there." Oh, those hirsute Southerners. Also, Mr. Eyebrows should talk about being hairy. Ade keeps asking questions, and Christopher tells her to go back to bed. Ade asks what his problem is, and Christopher says that his tooth is killing him. Adriana advises him to return to the dentist, and wonders why Christopher even has to go on this trip. Christopher says that Tony wants him to talk to "the guy down there." Adriana digs for more information on the guy, and Christopher ignores the question to complain that Adriana gets to take all kinds of "dope" for her "stomachache," while he can't take anything for his tooth since he's sober. And you wonder why Adriana lights up when Tony shows a little sympathy. Adriana apologizes, kisses his cheek, tells him to have a nice trip, and then runs into the house clutching her stomach. Christopher unnecessarily tells the other guys that Adriana has diarrhea.

At the Crazy Horse, Adriana does a line of coke in the back room. Tony walks in and kind of apologizes, but doesn't leave. Adriana offers to share her stash, and Tony takes her up on it, but not before locking the door behind him. Tony says he's expecting some guys from New York, and Adriana says it's not a problem, since she has plenty to do in the club. Adriana, it should be noted, is wearing a leather bustier and a micro mini with knee-high boots. Tony does a line and asks about the music playing in the club. Adriana says it's "The Lost Boys," and that Silvio has been bugging her to play it because the manager owes him money. I don't understand why Silvio would want her to play their music in that case, but I'm going to let it go. Tony sniffs a few times and says that he thought it was Adriana's day off. She says that Chrissy is away, and that she doesn't like staying home alone. Tony (filled with coke energy) stands and grabs the darts from the dartboard on the wall. Adriana adds, "At least I can pour a glass of wine without him giving me...The Expression." Adriana imitates Christopher raising his eyebrows and making a moue. Tony laughs and says he knows that look, although he calls it "the Constipated Owl." Tony does his own version, which involves the same mouth, but adds looking side to side with wide eyes. Adriana laughs. Tony throws a dart. Adriana says that when she first met Tony, she was scared of him. Tony is amused. Adriana adds that she's scared of everybody, and that it's always her first reaction. See? It's those kinds of lines that make me feel sorry for Adriana. Between her bad dad, her physical and mental problems, her substance abuse, and her FBI situation, she got a bum deal. ["So to speak." -- Wing Chun] Tony asks if she's scared of him now, and Adriana shakes her head.

Tony watches Adriana take a drag of her cigarette (KILLING ME!) and then asks if she wants to play darts. She thinks it over, and Tony offers to play for money. Adriana walks over and takes the darts. Tony flirtatiously pretends not to give them up at first, and totally checks out Ade's rack in the process. Adriana throws her first dart, which misses the board entirely. She and Tony laugh. Adriana takes aim, and Tony asks if everything is all right "in here" as he places his hand on her stomach. Adriana giggles and says that she knows he's trying to distract her. Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? Adriana's shot is nearly a bull's eye, and the third is a bull's eye. Tony claims that he's been hustled. Adriana smirks at him and collects the darts. When she walks over to hand them off, she drops them on the floor. She kneels down to pick them up and finds herself face to face with Tony's crotch. Tony pulls Adriana to her feet and they stand too close and stare at each other for a minute. Adriana looks uncertain. Tony brushes her hair back from her face. Adriana starts to lean in, and then stops. Tony leans in, and stops. Just as they both start to lean in again, there's a loud knock at the door, which causes them both to jump. Adriana clutches her head and walks off. Tony hides the coke in a desk drawer and tells Adriana to wait a moment before opening the door. He makes sure the room looks okay, and Adriana unlocks the door to find Phil Leotardo and some other guy outside. Tony jovially motions them inside, and they enter suspiciously. Adriana quickly makes an exit. Tony points at his watch and gives the guys shit about being late. Phil hands over an envelope and looks back at the door as if he's still trying to figure out what exactly they interrupted. Tony tucks away the envelope and stares at Phil, trying to figure out what he knows.

Tony sits in Melfi's waiting room. If Tony has gained some weight recently, and doesn't have Carmela around to do his clothes shopping, it's nice that all of his clothes seem a little too tight. His pants in this scene are easily about three inches too short. It's a nice touch. Melfi wordlessly shows Tony into her office. Once inside, Tony sighs and rubs his eyes, looking like he doesn't really want to be there. They both sit silently, and the camera pulls back to emphasize the distance between them. Tony fidgets, and Melfi waits him out. Finally, Tony thanks her for taking the appointment. Melfi doesn't speak. Tony says that he knows he's on probation, and adds that he deeply regrets what he did. He points to the hallway, in case she forgot where it happened. Melfi just nods and waits. Tony shifts around and then says, "My nephew's fiance." More silent Melfi. Tony says he knows what she's thinking, and tells her that nothing happened, but that it could've very easily. He says that "this young lady" really got to him. Melfi kind of smirks, and Tony bleats, "What?" Melfi proudly says that this is a very big step, because Tony came to discuss his impulse instead of acting on it without thinking. Tony says he always thinks. Melfi reminds him about "having sex with [his] mistress's cousin, like the mistress wasn't enough to piss off [his] wife." Tony has no comeback, and Melfi leans back, a little too self-satisfied for my taste. Yes, we all know that you are morally superior to Tony. Congratulations. What an accomplishment. Maybe you can take pride in the fact that you're smarter than AJ.

Melfi wants to hear about the young lady. Tony grins and says that she's "drop-dead gorgeous." Melfi's smirk has disappeared. Jealous? Maybe? Tony adds, "Someone like her, I could...I could do it right this time. Start a whole new family. I'm young enough. Fuck 'em all!" I think Tony sees Adriana as a younger, more pliant version of Carmela. Too bad he doesn't know about her infertility. Melfi asks if this is something he's really contemplating. Tony says that it would be "a disaster of major proportions." He's get "hosed financially" by Carmela, and that it would kill Christopher, "after years of grooming him to be [Tony's] number two." ["Hee, 'number two.'" -- Wing Chun] Tony grimaces and says it would also be very bad for Adriana, and that she doesn't deserve that. Tony says he's not stupid, and that part of Adriana's attraction to him is "this father-figure thing, on account of hers ran off." Melfi calls it "an act of symbolic incest." Tony's reaction is much like mine: "Whatever." He wrings his hands and asks what he's going to do, adding that he got lucky the first time because he was able to control himself. Heh. It wasn't so much controlling himself as being interrupted. Melfi scoffs at the idea that Tony can't control himself. Tony thinks that it's different for women. Melfi advises Tony to think about how he will establish limits and boundaries. Like Melfi has with Tony? As an example, Melfi suggests that if Adriana comes on to him, Tony should say that he thinks of her as a daughter. Tony pouts, "Even if I want to fuck her brains out."

Melfi grins that this is "a milestone" and "a very important crossroads," because Tony wants to avoid doing something he knows is wrong and destructive to himself and those he cares about. I think it's more that Tony wants to avoid messing up his business. Notice that his concern for Adriana was third on his list of reasons to avoid the relationship. If Tony thought he could bang her and get away with it, he'd do it in a minute. Melfi concludes, "That's growth. That's progress!" She is way too excited about this. Tony wants to know what he's supposed to do. Melfi says, "I know this is a powerful urge, but if you can't keep it in your pants, you have to stay away from her." Tony grimaces. Melfi hesitates, and then reminds Tony that not long ago, he called Melfi drop-dead gorgeous and said that he had to have her. She adds that even though she turned him down, Tony survived. Tony smiles, "What a horrible fucking job you have. How do you do it?" That sentence is a callback to what Tony said to Carmela earlier when he asked why she would do something that is so difficult. Melfi says that now Tony can choose to "act and create a bed of misery or look at this as a chance to do something good." Tony doesn't seem convinced. Melfi advises Tony to be worthy of Adriana's respect, and to remain her friend and help her. Yeah, that's going to work out well. Tony seems to realize that it won't, but he stays silent.

The ducks are back! Adriana meets with Agent Sanseverino near a bridge, and checks out the ducks swimming below. Adriana says that Tony had ducks in his pool one time. One of the ducks rises up and flaps its wings, as if it's trying to fly away but can't. No symbolism there, Adriana. Agent Sanseverino tells Adriana to find out where Christopher went. Adriana says that she's getting a vibe from Tony, and that he listens. Agent Sanseverino admits that Tony is "kind of attractive" and "definitely an Alpha Male," and asks what would happen if Christopher found out. Adriana laughs that she's not going to fuck Tony. Oh, she upgraded from blowing him to fucking him. Adriana speechifies, "I love Christopher and sooner or later, we're going to get out from under all this shit and leave this fucking state." Does she really believe that? Poor Ade.

A bunch of Feds (including Agent Danielle) sit around and discuss Adriana's crush on Tony. One agent compares Tony to Barney Rubble, when he totally is Fred Flintstone. Agent Sanseverino imitates Adriana whining about how Tony is a good listener. Also? Her imitation sounded nothing like Adriana. The other agents chuckle politely. I guess David Chase wants us to hate mobsters, but also to hate FBI agents. In other words, everyone sucks. Great worldview, there.

Adriana leans against the bar in the Crazy Horse, drink in hand. Tony walks in, and she spots him approaching. She greets him warmly and he kisses her cheek. Tony says that Patsy is bringing someone by, and that he'll need to use the office. Adriana says that it's not a problem, and that she's resolved to spend a lot more time on the floor of the club. Tony laughs, and they share a look. Both seem relieved that the other isn't going to try to pick up where they left off. Tony says he's tired and that he's going to nap until Patsy arrives. Adriana stops him by asking if he knows Christopher's new cell-phone number. Tony hesitates, and then says that Christopher will call her, and reminds her that he's returning the day anyway. Tony walks off, and Adriana has run out of excuses to keep talking to him.

After closing, Adriana carries a cash drawer through the bar. She seems to hesitate before heading into the back room, like she knows that she shouldn't, but she does it anyway. She finds Tony with his shirt off, examining his shoulder. She starts to leave, but he explains that he has a mole that "looked irregular around the margins." Bing! We have an episode title. Tony puts his shirt back on as they discuss his melanoma. Sexy! Adriana calls for a car to pick her up. Tony pours himself a drink and asks if her car is still in the shop. Adriana lights a cigarette (KILLING ME!) and says that they're replacing the alternator. Tony asks if she wants a drink, and Adriana says that she could really use some coke. Tony says he wouldn't turn it down. Adriana says it would motivate her to clean the house before Christopher gets home. So that's the secret! I am never motivated to clean my house, and now I know why. Adriana laments the fact that she's all out of cocaine. Tony checks his watch and says that his connection has probably left the Bing already. Adriana says she knows a guy named Andre who's always up. I'm sure that the coke has nothing to do with that. Tony tells her to cancel the car, and he'll give her a ride. Thank you and good night!

Tony and Adriana take the Escalade to Andre the dealer's house. Adriana tells Tony that one of her friends think he's cute. Tony is grossed out, because the chick in question is "over thirty." Adriana rolls her eyes. Tony says he'd like to be introduced to Adriana's friend, the one she brought to his house that time. Tony remembers that the woman's name was Danielle. Adriana blurts, "She's dead." Heh. Good one. How has Adriana not been busted yet? Tony is shocked. Adriana emotionlessly stutters, "Sh...she dr...drowned on a picnic." Tony says that he thought he picked up on something between him and Danielle. Adriana looks at him, and then glances at the road and spots a raccoon staring back at her. She screams Tony's name. He swerves to avoid the animal and goes off the road. He hits a tree or something and the SUV flips onto its side. Glass breaks as the vehicle skids down the road, finally skidding to a stop. Smoke rises from the burning tires (and possibly other car parts as well), and all is silent. ["I am totally buying an Escalade now. Okay, I'm obviously not, and man, that was some unfortunate product placement for that company." -- Wing Chun]

Tony sits on a gurney in an ER, wearing a hospital gown and black socks. A black doctor walks in (his race becomes important momentarily) and tells Tony that they've ruled out any internal injuries, so Tony can leave. Tony blearily stares for a moment, and then stops the doctor and says that it was "a very bad accident," so they might want to do more testing, because Tony can afford it. The doctor says, quietly but firmly, that they performed all appropriate tests, that he has a medical degree from Johns Hopkins, and that his grandmother was "the first black woman licensed to practice medicine in Delaware." Oh, yeah? Well my grandmother plays bingo four nights a week but I haven't won any jackpots. Certainly, Tony has a history of making racist remarks and judgments, but I don't think that's what was going on here, and I think the doctor was a little too defensive. Then again, who knows what he has to deal with on a daily basis. Tony tells the guy to calm down, and that while he's heard that Adriana is okay, he'd like to see her.

Tony walks into Adriana's curtained area. Adriana is lying on a gurney, wearing a pinky purple cervical collar. Do they have different colors for different sexes? Because you know that Adriana would match hers to her outfit and fingernail polish. Tony, back in his street clothes, looks worried and gently approaches the bed. Adriana opens her eyes and groggily says hello. Tony assures her that she'll be fine, but adds that the doctors want to keep her for observation. Adriana mumbles that she doesn't remember what happened. Tony sighs and apologetically says that there was a raccoon in the road, and that he swerved. Adriana asks about the car, and Tony says that it's totaled, but the car probably saved their lives. ["Sure it did." -- Wing Chun] Too bad they weren't in AJ's car, since we had to hear all about its safety features last week. They probably would have walked away without a scratch! Adriana asks if Tony's okay, and Tony says they're releasing him. Adriana wants to leave with him, because Christopher will be home that night. Tony says, "We should probably talk about that." Adriana realizes how bad the accident will look to everyone else, and nearly starts crying.

Christopher backs a van into a warehouse. He gets out and opens the back of the van to reveal that it's packed with boxes of cigarettes, and announces that he "hit the fucking mother lode!" The warehouse guys -- who will be known as Big Bald Guy and Big Biker Guy -- are impressed. Christopher issues instructions on what should be done with the cigarettes, and then says that he's going home to sleep and get Adriana to cook him "a nice carbonara." Big Biker Guy glances at Big Bald Guy, wondering if they should tell Christopher about Adriana. Christopher notices the look, and the two Big guys shortly spill that Adriana is in the hospital, due to an accident that happened around 2:00 AM, and that while she was banged up, she'll be okay. Christopher assumes that it was due to drinking and driving, and asks what hospital she's in. Big Bald Guy supplies that she's at Mt. Mercy in Dover. Christopher wonders why she was in Dover, and Big Biker Guy starts the gossip chain by explaining that Adriana and Tony swerved "to avoid a deer in the road." Christopher asks if Tony's okay, and Big Bald Guy says, "Not a scratch. The fucking luck on this guy." Christopher racks his brain for a logical explanation (or excuse) and says that Adriana has a sick aunt in Dover who is friends with Tony's aunt. The Big Guys don't seem very convinced, and neither does Christopher, who decides he should get to the hospital.

Christopher and Adriana (the latter of whom is still wearing the cervical collar and smoking AGAIN) drive home. Adriana speaks directly to me as she says she thought she'd die in there without a cigarette. Try the lozenges, Ade. They're working for me so far. Christopher stays silent, so Ade asks him if he's going to talk to her since she was almost killed. Christopher yells, "I'm just curious. What the fuck were you doing in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, in a car with my uncle?" Adriana sticks to the story that Tony was driving her home. Christopher points out that Dover isn't exactly on the way. Adriana says that they were talking and stutters that they were going to get something to eat, and that Christopher wasn't there. That's their cover story? Christopher yells that he was busting his ass in a van to make a living so that Adriana can buy "alcohol and coke and all the other shit [she] shovel[s] into [her] mouth!" She shoves coke in her mouth? Is that even effective? Christopher shakes his head for a minute and then yells at Adriana not to lie to him. Adriana yells back that nothing was going on. Christopher asks if she knows how this looks, and then orders her to shut her mouth and stop talking to him. Adriana complies.

Tony sits in his office, and the camera focuses in on a cheesecake poster that says "Leg Show." So Tony's a leg man? That would explain why he went for Adriana. Tony has a look of disgust on his face as he uses a swizzle stick to wipe dog shit from the bottom of his shoe. Christopher walks in, his rage contained for the moment. Tony asks if Christopher is okay, and expresses disgust for people who don't clean up after their pets. Christopher just stares, and Tony hands him the swizzle stick with shit on it and asks him to throw it out. Wow. If Christopher was wondering where he stands in Tony's eyes, he definitely knows it now. Christopher does it, somewhat poutily. Tony finally addresses the accident, saying that they were lucky because the cop was sure that it was a fatality at first. Christopher just crosses his arms and waits. Tony says he'd be thinking the same thing in Christopher's position, but that it's not true. Christopher pretends he doesn't know what Tony means. Tony says that Ade's car was in the shop and that he was merely driving her home from work, and that they were looking to get a burger. Christopher wonders why they went to Dover. Tony thinks Christopher is missing the point, which is that Adriana "could have been paralyzed, or scarred up." Christopher asks why Tony was alone in a car with his fiance. Tony easily lies, "We were talking about you, you selfish prick. And how you were the best thing that ever happened to her." Christopher asks if Tony thinks he's not affected by the accident. Tony deflects, "Frankly, you scored so far over your head when you got her, what do you expect?" Christopher asks what Tony means by that, and Tony explains, "She's a knockout. A ten. And look at you. You're average at best. So you better reconcile yourself with that or you're gonna be fucking paranoid your whole life." Christopher asks why this is suddenly his fault, and Tony angrily reiterates that nothing happened and that Christopher should have married Adriana two years ago. Christopher, fed up, says, "Everybody knows you've been the biggest fucking cooze hound around the past four, five years. Your mid-life crisis. You'd fuck a catcher's mitt." Well. Did anyone else think that Christopher just signed his own death warrant with that remark? Tony considers his words, and then quietly vows on his children's lives that nothing is going on between him and Adriana. Tony puffs on his cigar, forming a smokescreen. Christopher turns and walks out. Tony watches him go and sighs.

Now it's time for a game of telephone, in which the crew gossips like a bunch of...I was going to say old women, but in my experience, old men gossip too. And young men and women. So they gossip like a bunch of people, all on the telephone. Big Bald Guy tells Paulie that Tony walked away without a scratch, but that Adriana suffered a severe blow to the head. Paulie looks up, and a light bulb goes off. Silvio tells someone that Adriana got caught giving Tony a blowjob. Bobby Bacala tells someone that when the paramedics found Adriana, "she had his cock still in her mouth." Hesh tells Junior that, statistically, "most single-car fatalities are a result of guys popping their load behind the wheel." Junior caps the segment (no pun intended) by saying, "Apparently, he came all over the sun visor." But it's not just crew members talking. Agent Sanseverino answers her phone, and Agent Danielle asks, "Guess who went down on Tony Soprano?"

The guys hang out at Satriale's and play cards while discussing the latest news of the world. Hesh talks about our troops in Iraq, and Wide Guy brings up Condoleezza Rice's testimony before the 9/11 Commission. Oh, wait. Really, they're still chuckling about Adriana's alleged blowjob. Wide Guy claims that while Christopher was in rehab, Adriana was calling him all the time, and that he was "this close," holding his finger and thumb about an inch apart. Which is funny, since Adriana told Agent Sanseverino that it was the other way around. Gene (I think) says that Wide Guy has a problem because his "braciole isn't even that long." Everyone laughs at Wide Guy's little dick. Christopher walks in with a sub, and the laughing stops abruptly. He asks what's up, and everyone clams up. Chirstopher won't let it rest, and Wide Guy says they were just talking about his braciole. Christopher wants details on the joke. Hesh tries to change the subject, but Christopher won't be deterred. Wide Guy asks why Christopher is breaking his balls, and there's an air of "You really don't want to know the answer to this question, do you?" Christopher says he wants an answer, and calls Wide Guy a "fucking parade float." Hee! Wide Guy points out that he's a captain, and that Christopher can't talk that way, as various guys stand up to prevent the incipient fight. Christopher tells them all to fuck off and throws his sub at Wide Guy. Lettuce goes flying. Christopher storms out as Hesh and Gene hold Wide Guy back.

Adriana watches some fashion show on television. Christopher storms into the apartment. Adriana puts down her glass of wine and tells him that there's a casserole to eat. She doesn't even finish her sentence before Christopher grabs her by the hair and starts choking her, calling her a "fucking lying bitch." Adriana squeals and asks what he's doing. Christopher accuses her of sucking Tony's cock, because Georgie (who?) told him everything, and the surgeon on the operating table said that she was moaning Tony's name. I think these guys have watched Deep Throat a few too many times, if they think that blowing Tony would cause Adriana to moan with pleasure. Christopher finally releases Adriana and says that she's lying about being in Dover because he knows what was going on. He remembered that her dope dealer is in Dover. Adriana admits that she was going to score some coke, but that she wasn't sucking anybody's cock. Christopher asks if she and Tony planned to "toot up a bunch of lines [and] go fucking birdwatching." Adriana screams that she planned to stay up all night and clean the house. Christopher resumes choking her and screams that everyone knows about it and everyone is talking about it. He stands and flips the coffee table over and says that she's killing him. Adriana stands and cries that she loves him. Christopher responds by backhanding her. Adriana flies into the wall. Christopher picks her up, slams her against the wall, and backhands her again. Adriana falls to the floor. Christopher picks her up by her hair and drags her across the apartment. Adriana cries about her neck. Christopher opens the door and tosses Adriana out into the hallway, saying that he never wants to see her again. He slams the door, and then scans the apartment. He grabs Adriana's purse and rifles through it, but doesn't find what he was looking for. He opens the freezer, pulls out a bottle of vodka, and starts chugging it.

At Tony's house, AJ is watching the Ultimate Fighting Championship, or kickboxing, or something else intended to provide an ironic segue from the beating we just witnessed. Tony walks in with a pizza and we can see that in addition to all of the electronic equipment, he also swiped the popcorn machine from Carmela's media room. Man, he doesn't do anything half-assed, does he? Except raise his children. Tony says that he thought AJ had an algebra test, and AJ tells him to chill out. Wow. Not only would I never tell my own father to chill out, I would absolutely never tell Tony Soprano to chill out. Tony turns off the television and AJ protests that he studied for forty-five minutes straight and needs a break. Wow, forty-five minutes? Someone give that kid a gold star. That is, if you believe him. Tony hears a knock at the door and peeks out to see who it is. He opens the door and Tony B. (and I'm going to swipe texastwostep's nickname and call him Diet Tony) walks in. Diet Tony asks if it's a bad time and says they have to talk. Famous Original Tony (tm Spills With Wings) sends AJ upstairs to study. AJ doesn't get it (surprise!) and asks if he can have pizza first, but his father snaps, "Now!" and AJ complies.

Tony and Diet Tony walk into the living room. Diet Tony says that he went to the Belleville Tavern after work and heard that Christopher was in there earlier, "all fucked up" because someone told him what was going on in the car. Tony immediately says that there was nothing going on. Diet Tony says he knows that, but that Christopher doesn't, and tells Tony what happened with Christopher and Adriana. Tony wonders where Christopher's self-control is, which is one of those pot and kettle situations. Diet Tony says that Little Paulie is out looking for Christopher, who was "saying some crazy things about [Tony]." AJ picks that moment to start playing the drums upstairs, startling both Tonys. Diet Tony says Christopher isn't right in the head, and that no one knows what he's capable of. Tony blusters that Christopher knows where to find him, and that Diet Tony should tell Christopher that. Tony stares upstairs, thinking about AJ's involvement in all this.

Cut to Tony delivering AJ to Carmela. Carmela smiles and says that AJ is a day early, and that she'll go to the store in the morning. AJ snottily tells her to relax and go whenever she wants. And why she doesn't pull a Christopher and toss him into the street by the hair, I do not know. Carmela's smile fades as AJ stomps up the stairs and Tony enters, carrying the pizza. Once AJ is out of earshot, Tony asks what his problem is. Carmela grabs the pizza and asks what Tony wants, since AJ could have carried the pizza in. Tony pretends he just wanted to say hello, but Carmela knows that Tony wanted to find out if she's heard the rumors. Tony tells her it isn't true, and Carmela tells him to fuck off. Tony returns the sentiment. Carmela points out all too truthfully that Tony has to put his son in hiding because he's afraid AJ will get caught in the crossfire. Tony says that Christopher is upset and he might come over and say something that a kid shouldn't hear. Carmela sneers that Tony should just leave because she doesn't want to look at him. She drops the pizza on the floor with disgust. Tony stomps out, but then returns and grabs the pizza before stomping out again and slamming the door. Heh.

Christopher plows into the Bing parking lot in his Hummer. Which is appropriately named, now that I think about it. He gets out with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a gun in the other. He spots Tony's old SUV (the maroon one he had before the Escalade) and throws his bottle at it, screaming, "Motherfucker!" He takes out his gun and empties the clip into the SUV, continuing to pull the trigger even after there is no more ammo, yelling, "Motherfucking gun!" In case you were wondering if he knew for sure that the clip was spent.

Inside the Bing, ladies dance and men gape. Paulie, Silvio, Diet Tony, and Tony sit on the balcony playing cards. Paulie doesn't think Christopher is going to show, because he's lying in a gutter somewhere. Silvio conjectures that Christopher might have worn himself down, and then from the floor below Christopher yells, "Where are you, you fuck?" as people start screaming and one woman yells, "He's got a gun!" The guys on the balcony all stand up. Christopher points his gun at the balcony and continues swearing and pulling the trigger on his unloaded gun. Some thugs disarm him and drag him away. Silvio pulls out, I swear to God, a bullhorn and tells the thugs that they know what to do. I am in love with the fact that he had a bullhorn up there. The guys walk downstairs as Silvio assures everyone that the incident is over, and that it was just an unhappy customer. The other guys head down the stairs, but Tony pauses, probably considering what he knows he needs to do now.

Chrissy's Hummer and another car drive down a deserted back road. Paulie, Big Biker Guy, and Diet Tony get out of the Hummer. Tony walks up from the second car. Another guy (Bouncer Bob?) hustles Christopher along as Christopher continues to yell that he'll kill them all. Christopher is forced into a kneeling position, and Tony runs up and kicks Christopher in the stomach. Tony yells at Christopher for trying to kill the boss of the Family. Christopher yells that Tony lied, and that Adriana admitted that they were buying coke. Tony yells back that he can relieve stress however he wants. Christopher yells that Tony sent him to North Carolina to get him out of the way, so that Tony and Adriana could get it on. Tony asks, "What kind of animal do you think I am? The thought never even entered my head!" Chirstopher says Tony's a man and was alone in the car with her. Tony grabs Christopher's neck and yells, "You pushed me to this. You pushed me to this!" Tony pulls out a gun and aims it Christopher's eye, but pulls back. ["Worst mistake ever. Richie Aprile, man. I'm just saying." -- Wing Chun] Diet Tony watches warily. Paulie interrupts to say that Christopher must have known the gun was empty, based on the number of bullet holes in Tony's car. Either Paulie is trying to give Christopher a way out, or Diet Tony prearranged all this, and Paulie is just following a script. Given Paulie and Christopher's enmity in the past, I'm going for the latter, especially since Paulie's "reasoning" came well after Tony had pulled back with the gun. Christopher totally doesn't get it, and thinks Paulie is insulting his manhood or something. Dummy. Tony kneels down and looks Christopher right in the eye. He grabs the front of Christopher's shirt and asks, "All right. You tell me right now. Either you take it into your heart that I did not do this shit, or this is as far as we go." The last half of the sentence is delivered very sadly. Christopher responds with a long glare. Tony stands up and puts the gun to Christopher's face. Diet Tony "interrupts" (since I'm convinced that this whole scene was staged to allow Tony to avoid killing Christopher and save face at the same time) and urges Tony to "listen to somebody else for a change." Tony isn't swayed, so Diet Tony asks, "Try it my way. Listen to me." After a long moment, Tony lowers the gun.

Christopher, Tony, and Diet Tony sit in a car, waiting for something. Diet Tony notices something outside, and nudges Tony. The doctor who treated Tony in the ER walks through the hospital parking lot. Diet Tony and Tony approach the doctor and say that they have a friend who wants to talk to him. The doctor isn't interested, saying that he just got off a long shift, so Diet Tony asks, "Any gunshot wounds? Or broken kneecaps?" The doctor seems to put that remark together with Tony's name and appearance, although he's not happy about it. Tony promises that it will only take two minutes, and praises the doctor's skills.

The doctor hops into the back seat with Christopher. Tony and Diet Tony get in the front. Tony explains that Christopher is Adriana's fianc, and that he thinks there was oral sex going on at the time of the accident. The doctor tries to protest, but Tony cuts him off and darkly says that Christopher is upset, and that the doctor needs to reassure him that nothing happened. Christopher points out that the doctor is being pressured and will just lie. The doctor smarms, "I'm not in the custom of lying about anything. But whether somebody was getting something in the car -- how could I possibly attest to that?" Diet Tony thinks the doctor could explain that it's not medically possible, because if Adriana were wearing a seatbelt, "then there would have been abrasions to the lateral anterior aspect of the clavicle...or the right mid-sternum." The doctor asks if Diet Tony is a doctor, and Diet Tony hilariously responds, "No, I'm a pre-board-certified massage therapist." Tony asks if Adriana had "any of those kind of things." The doctor says that she did, which he reluctantly admits would indicate "an upright position at the moment of impact." Diet Tony translates that Adriana was sitting up. Tony tries to hand the doctor some cash, and when the doctor balks, Tony says that it's "for the kids, the Make A Wish foundation, whatever." The doctor exits the car without the money.

Christopher sits there, thinking. Tony looks at him, and Christopher asks, "What do you want from me? I guess I believe you." Tony turns to the front, but then remembers that Christopher threw food at Wide Guy, and that has to be resolved. Christopher thinks Wide Guy was laughing, and that it was wrong, but admits that it doesn't make a difference anymore. Christopher sadly says that even if the rumor wasn't true, people believe it. Tony asks why Christopher cares what people think, since he knows the truth. Christopher responds, "I gotta live in the world. And now I look like Joe Jerkoff." Christopher exits the car. Diet Tony starts to go after him, but Tony stops him, realizing that Christopher's totally right.

In Melfi's office, Tony realizes, "You know what? I might as well have fucked her. Thanks." Melfi has no response.

Carmela walks into her house with a handful of cut flowers from the garden. She hears someone inside and calls out. Tony walks into the kitchen complaining that he rang the doorbell six times and that no one answered. Carmela asks why Tony is there, and he says he needs to talk to her. Carmela says that AJ isn't going with Tony. Tony asks if Carmela believes the rumors, and if he's really that horrible. Carmela snaps, "Where there's smoke, there's fire. I don't know what you did. What's going to happen when your children hear about this? Meadow already suspects you." Man, does she have his number. Tony asks what that means, and Carmela says that Meadow thought he was "coked out" at the club. Tony lies that he doesn't do drugs, and Carmela says that Meadow knows about the accident too, and is capable of drawing the obvious conclusion. Tony says that this is about Carmela, not the kids. Carmela admits it, and asks if she means nothing to him, adding that now she has to live "with this swirling around [her]." Tony asks if Carmela really thinks he would have "sexual relations" with Adriana, "who's going to be a member of [their] family." Carmela just stares, unbelieving. Tony says he knows he hasn't been a saint, but that Carmela has "plenty of issues of [her] own on that subject." Can't let that rest, can he? Always deflecting blame. Carmela just stares at him coldly and walks away. Tony chases her down and grabs her arm. Carmela swats him away angrily, probably remembering the last time he grabbed her arm. Tony asks plaintively, "You think I would go near that girl like that? Carmela takes a few deep breaths, trying not to cry. Tony takes this as an admission that she knows he wouldn't do it, and thanks her. Tony asks if she will pull together with him and "put a good face on this thing for the sake of the kids and this family." Carmela, disgusted, asks, "I gotta bail you out? It is neverending, your bullshit." Tony has no response, and Carmela shakes her head and walks up the stairs. Notice that she never said she wouldn't do it. Tony stands in the house, alone, head bowed.

Adriana crosses the street outside a pharmacy, having just picked up a prescription. She gets into Agent Sanseverino's car. Agent Sanseverino is shocked at Adriana's cuts and bruises. Adriana tells her that most of it is from the accident. Agent Sanseverino asks if Ade is okay, and Ade responds, "What do you fucking think? I'm kicked out of my house, I may have ulcerative colitis, and you call me up." Agent Sanseverino, all business, asks permission to put a listening device in the Crazy Horse: "This relationship with Tony could net us a lot of chatter." Adriana insists that there is no relationship. Agent Sanseverino says that once Tony is put away, Adriana can get on with her life. She adds that they can get a court order and install a device anyway, but that this would make the FBI's lives simpler. Adriana has had enough and snarls, "Fuck you. I do enough for you people. You're not bugging my club." She gathers her things and starts to get out of the car. Agent Sanseverino says that protecting abusers is a syndrome. Adriana blinks a few times and then says, "If it would have been Christopher alone in a car with another woman, I would've killed him." She leaves.

Vesuvio's. Tony and Carmela, Christopher and Adriana, and Diet Tony and his mother enter; Charmaine seats them at a big visible table in the center of the restaurant. Carmela has a big phony smile pasted on her face. Paulie, Patsy, Gene, and Wide Guy are eating together nearby. Silvio and his wife sit at another table. They all take note of the show. Christopher refuses wine, for those of you wondering if he's reverted to sobriety. Wide Guy reluctantly stands up and walks over to the big table. He shakes Tony's hand. He turns to Christopher, who is totally making The Expression. Tony watches Christopher expectantly. Christopher meets Wide Guy's eyes, and Wide Guy says that it's nice to see him, and that he hopes they have a pleasant evening. The two men shake hands. Paulie, Patsy, and Gene watch the whole thing closely, as do Silvio and his wife. Wide Guy pays his respects to the ladies at the table and leaves. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief and goes back to their meals. As Carmela looks at her menu, Tony stares at her with what seems like respect and admiration.