The Sopranos S03E14

Fade up on a red stoplight, symbolizing the fact that if we had any sense, we'd stop right where we are, turn around, and run away from this movie. There's some vaguely mariachi music in the background as the light turns green. The camera moves very slowly forward, making absolutely sure that we see that the street is Laurel Terrace. I'm convinced that's going to be important. Laurel Terrace. The trees by the side of the road, incidentally, are not laurels but palms. I'm not sure I'd recognize a laurel anyway.

We hear a car crash; cut to Dreamy Brad Pitt staring moodily out a window. He's sitting on his bed and he's nekkid. Lying down (possibly in the same bed) is Toothy Julia Roberts. She rolls over, and we find out that they are, in fact, in the same bed. There are pictures of the two of them frolicking, and I take it we're supposed to assume that they're a happy, happy couple, or were at one point. Julia rolls over and takes Brad's hand. Then she falls asleep while Brad looks discontented.

Enough of that. Brad is running down some stairs while a guy with an unconvincing combover complains about being kept waiting for fifteen minutes. Brad thought Combover Man was stuck in traffic. Combover Man thought Brad was running late. Does Brad have the paperwork? Yes. Brad's not mad at Combover Man, is he? No. Was there a script for this scene? You be the judge.

Another cut-without-explanation (making three in the first minute) to a warehouse, which is identified as "Margolese Holdings" by a convenient phone-answering secretary. Brad and Combover Man walk into a waiting room, and we get a name for the secretary (Estelle) and a random baby (Big Tom) before we learn who Brad and Combover Man are. Brad makes the baby cry by pretending to cut his thumb off. That's weird; babies usually go for the self-mutilation humor.

A man (who I think might be Big Tom's uncle, but I can't understand Estelle when she says his name) comes out of his office and wants to know if Brad "got that passport." Well, actually he says, "Did you get that fucking passport," but I wanted to skip the obscenity to guard your tender sensibilities.

As Brad and Combover Man follow Possibly Big Tom's Uncle into his office, PBTU tells a guy with a goatee and close-cropped dyed-blond hair that he has issues. The Goatee guy turns to Brad and says, "Issues, Jerry." So Brad's name is "Jerry," then. I don't see why they couldn't just call him "Brad." Jackie Chan's characters are usually named "Jackie," and no one's confused by that.

Sitting behind a comically large desk, PBTU complains, "It burns my ass to write you a check every week. That's an issue." Jerry can explain what happened. "You say to someone 'I can explain what happened' when it's a once-in-a-while blue-moon thing." "It's every time with you, Jerry," chimes in Goatee Guy, who's standing behind PBTU in a way that prompts me to rename him Goatee Thug. Jerry has been having some personal problems. He starts to complain about his girlfriend. See, there are two things you just don't do. First, when the guy who writes you checks is mad at you, you don't start complaining about how difficult your personal life is. Second, when your girlfriend looks like Julia Roberts, you shut up about how hard it is to live with her. Although it turns out that she's the one with complaints (in which case, the second rule can be rephrased to say "when your boyfriend looks like Brad Pitt," although the part about shutting up still applies). Apparently, Jerry and Julia (who is about to be given a name in the paragraph) "go to a group." I can't believe PBTU hasn't cut him off yet.

"So. Last week? When you guys told me to pick up the thing at the thing? Well, Samantha, she says she needs the car to pick up some things. And, y'know, I don't have to tell you boys, I mean, things got heated, right? And she hit him." What? No one in the scene knows what Jerry's talking about. Oh, she "hid them." The keys. So Jerry was late, and "maybe some things aren't meant to happen." PBTU: "Jerry, you're a fucking moron. Here are your options. Number one, I roll you up to the neck in a carpet, stuff you in the back of a sedan and light you on fire with gasoline. You with me? Choice one. Number two: you like sex and travel? What, you like to have sex, you like to travel? Get your ass on a flight to Mexico. All the ten-dollar hookers you can shake your stick at. You pick up a pistol that belongs to Margolese. What's it gonna be?" Jerry isn't sure. He thought that, with Margolese getting out of jail (see how they slid that exposition in there? We already know more about Margolese than we know about Jerry), the last job was his last job. But no, because he didn't do it right. This new job, this is his last job. I wonder if crooks who are doing "their last job" (like in The Score) ever run up against cops who are "just one day away from retirement" (like in Lethal Weapon).

Jerry's going to San Miguel, and he will look for a kid in a bar. Jerry isn't writing down these instructions; in fact, he's just standing there with his arms crossed, so PBTU throws a pad of paper at him. Jerry and Combover Man, who I bet you forgot about, both bend over to pick up the paper. Do their heads clonk together? What do you think? Anyway, the kid's name is Beck. He's got this particular gun, and he's waiting on Jerry, who will have to bring both the gun and Beck to PBTU. Here's Jerry's ticket and handgun. As what I guess is intended as a final insult, PBTU adds, "You're in coach." I fly coach all the time. I didn't realize it was supposed to be insulting, although it would explain a few things.

Cut Without Explanation to an open suitcase flying off a balcony. As with every other exterior shot in this movie, a palm tree is also visible. Jerry narrowly avoids being flattened by the suitcase. "Baby, whaddya doin?" he asks, and I have to take a short break while I gasp with laughter and practice saying that. Suddenly, Brad Pitt is Mr. Smooth Seventies Guy. C'mon, baby. Baby, whaddya doin? Baby, baby, baby? Heh.

Julia's head appears at the balcony. I mean, "Samantha's head." Iguess. "You said this was your last job, Jerry." She's mad. She wants him to stop working for the criminals and go to Las Vegas. That's not a bad idea; Vegas is a fun place. Jerry tells her she's overreacting, which is, of course, exactly what she wants to hear. She starts screaming about how he's diminishing her needs (which is even more indicative of the Los Angeles setting than the palm trees), and then things degenerate even further. Jerry says, "I have to go," so Samantha criticizes his constant use of "I" and wonders how The Group would feel about that. Jerry says that they're not even technically married, but he goes to The Group for her. Samantha: "You don't want to get married. To me. And this is the way you're dealing with it. You're back to the same old selfish, self-involved, vile, disgustingself!" Jerry: "You're missing the grand design here! If I don't go, I'm dead! And it's a little difficult to carry on a relationship if I'm stuffed with straw and formaldehyde! Now if anyone is being selfish --" Samantha: "Oh! Now you blame-shift?"

And so on, until Samantha calls a time-out. I should mention that during this whole scene, Jerry's on the sidewalk yelling up to Samantha, on a second-floor balcony. Samantha is doing a lot of stomping back and forth.

Getting back to the argument, Samantha says, "All right. Jerry, I want you to acknowledge that my needs mean nothing to you and you are a selfish prick and a liar." That sounds fair. Jerry tries to deal with that, but emphasizes that the trip to Vegas is only delayed for a little bit, because her needs are very important to him. "Come on, baby." Nope. Samantha's going to Vegas with or without him. She throws his wallet at him, and we see an airplane landing. Air Mexicana disgorges its passengers on a hot tarmac. Jerry has a passport, which gets stamped (and is a Plot Point, incidentally).

Jerry rents a car, and doesn't want the Chrysler they try to give him. See, he drives a Chrysler in America, so he wants something a little more "Mexican." In a low-budget movie, this would be a clever ploy to explain why the hero is driving around in a cheap car owned by the director's worthless half-brother. The car-rental guy asks (in subtitled Spanish) if Jerry hablas the Español. Nope. Okay then, how would Sir like to drive an El Camino? Oh, well, that's not stereotypical at all. I hope it has purple running lights and hydraulics, because I've been sad ever since I found out that Cheech Marin wasn't in this movie at all. Is it even legal to call a movie The Mexican and not have Cheech in it?

Oh, right, there's a movie going on. The clerk says (in Spanish), "You're going to get into a lot of trouble here, Sir." Great, so it's going to be one of those movies. Incidentally, when someone asks you if you speak Spanish, the correct answer is "poquito." That means that you speak a little, so you won't be expected to carry on conversations, but people won't smart-mouth you right to your face. I'd give you more Spanish lessons, but I'm afraid I learned all my Spanish in Tijuana, and everything I know will get you into a fight almost immediately.

Out in the lot, six mechanics play rock-paper-scissors to see who gets to give Jerry a car. Manuel wins, and soon Jerry is in a golf cart, pulling up to a shiny blue El Camino with "MANUEL" license plates. And then he's driving down the road singing a little song that heavily features the words "El Camino." He passes donkeys and cow carcasses before having to stop and ask for directions. Now he's driving through a desert. Now he's stopping at a red light. Hey, the windshield has fringe at the top. Muy stylish.

Jerry's sitting at the red light, waiting for it to change. In a wide shot, we see that it's a crossroads of two desert roads with no one for miles. Jerry pulls out slowly and is immediately almost killed as a pair of trucks narrowly miss him. I love that bit. The light turns green, and he's off again, passing a wee graveyard.

Now it's night; Jerry's driving through a tunnel. And we all know what that means, don't we? That's right -- they ran out of money to light the set. Luckily, there are kids with sparklers running around. And we've got fireworks, because there's a celebration of some sort.

Jerry parks, takes his gun out of a lunchbox, and walks toward a door, only stopping to pick up his gun, which has fallen out of his pocket. Get it? He's a klutz! And he's walking into a Mexican bar, where only merry mix-ups and heartwarming hilarity can await him. Except for the "heartwarming" part. And the "hilarity." It probably won't be particularly "merry," either.

The bar is a dingy green, and the first thing the bartender says is, "You are in the wrong place, American." "Yeah, I'm aware of that," says Jerry, trying to act all cool. He buys a tequila with twenty dollars American, getting a few coins in change. The bartender wants to know if Jerry is a "bandito." Jerry says he's looking for Señor Beck. The bartender says nothing as he drinks Jerry's tequila. This isn't going well. Jerry takes out his wallet and makes an ostentatious show of looking through it before slapping some money down on the bar. The bartender points Jerry to the back room, which is also dingy and green. The guys are watching soccer on a television mounted on the ceiling, so naturally Jerry walks between them and the screen. That's good thinking.

Beck turns out to be a guy in sunglasses. All the other guys at the table start to pull out guns when Jerry walks up, but Beck keeps a lid on things. After they share a drink, Beck brings out a backpack and leads Jerry away. That was an exciting scene, wasn't it?

In a hotel room, Beck unwraps a gun and tells Jerry that it is "what they call 'Mexican.'" Ding ding ding! We have a title! A ray of sunlight from somewhere illuminates the gun, and a heavenly choir goes "AAAaaaaaaaAAAAaaa" to emphasize the importance of this pistol. It's pretty ornate, and it's got with hammered silver all over it, including a heart on the stock. "Wow. Yeah, that's pretty," slurs Jerry. Beck is unimpressed with Jerry's description, and launches into The Tale of the Gun (no relation to the show on TLC): "It was made for a wealthy landowner, a nobleman, by a poor Mexican gunslinger. He fashioned this gun as a gift to go along with the hopes that the nobleman's son would take his only daughter's hand in marriage." Cut to sepia tone and the sound of a film projector as we go to an Old Mexican Town covered in adobe huts. "The townspeople waited three months to catch the first glimpse of the pistol. Finally, the day had come. No one had ever laid eyes on a more beautiful gun. It was everything they thought it would be. Some even thought it was too beautiful to look at. It was considered to be an honor and good luck to be the first hand that fires a newly-fashioned gun." I don't know about that "good luck" part; what happens if it blows up in your hand? "Especially one as beautiful as this. Made for the hand of a nobleman." There are mariachi horns in the background as a young villager steps up from the crowd and takes the gun from the old man who made it. In the background, a señorita stands in a doorway. "The townsman was in a trance at the gun's flawless craftsmanship." The gunmaker sets a gourd on top of a well and gestures that the guy with the gun should fire away. As he pulls the trigger, the heart on the stock rotates, so I guess it's the cylinder of the revolver. Then a shot rings out (the maid screams, a pirate ship appears on the horizon, et cetera) and the villager falls down dead. Told you it wasn't good luck.

"It backfired. Killing him instantly." The gunmaker carries the gun back into his workshop, and we're back in the bar, watching the guys from the back room crossing themselves. "Legend has it that it's been cursed ever since." So the gun's really valuable. And it has handmade bullets!

As Jerry gets back in his car, Beck tries to convince him that they should sell the gun. And to show his actorly versatility, he does so while peeing against a wall. Beck says that "The Old Man" is nothing to be afraid of. Jerry's not buying it and turns to toss his gun (the one from the lunchbox, not the one in the title of the movie) into his car. There's a burst of fireworks noise, and no one's surprised when Jerry turns back around and Beck has "passed out." Jerry is slow on the uptake. "C'mon man, get up. Oh man, you're soaked in your own urine, don't make me carry ya." Samantha's right, he's not supportive of other people's needs at all.

Jerry drags Beck to the passenger seat, belts him in, and puts the Magic Gun in the glove compartment. Finally, Beck slumps over, revealing a big bloodstain on the seat. He's dead! And Manuel's gonna be pissed when he sees what Jerry did to his El Camino! Oops, I jumped the gun a bit here, because Jerry doesn't realize yet that Beck's dead. He tries to wake Beck up, takes off his hat, sees the gaping bullet wound, jumps back in horror -- ah, there we go. He looks around and sees more fireworks and people shooting guns in the air.

And then something ricochets off the car. Jerry reels back, but the ground starts popping, like either someone's shooting at his feet or someone left a few firecrackers down there.

Showing some sense for once, Jerry calls Combover Man to tell him that although he has the gun, Beck's dead. It's Jerry's theory that one of the bullets that was fired randomly into the air killed Beck on its way down. Combover Man explains that Beck is Margolese's grandson Hey! Combover Man's name is "Ted"! It's a bit late for that, though, so I'm sticking with "Combover Man." The line goes dead, and Jerry turns around to see someone stealing the El Camino. The El Camino and a red car speed away. Man. Bad day to be Brad Pitt. He looks around and sees a guy with a donkey. Huh?

Unexplained Cut to an office, where Goatee Thug and Combover Guy walk up to a mild-mannered guy whose name turns out to be Bernie and tell him there's an issue.

Cut to a freeway (I-15, in fact) to the sound of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made For Walking," where a green VW Bug passes a sign that says "Barstow: 16 mi. Las Vegas: 160 mi." By the way, I don't know if you care, but just as you get inside the Nevada border, if you immediately get off the freeway, you can go to Whiskey Pete's casino and see Bonnie and Clyde's Death Car. Just a little tourism tip. Inside the car, Samantha is staring at herself in the rearview mirror and considering taking Exit 33 to go to Factory Outlet World. She apparently decides to, because the thing we know, we're in a food court to a carousel looking at Samantha drinking Tab (out of a can, so we can see the label, but through a straw, so she doesn't mess up her Movie Star Makeup) and reading Men Who Can't Love.

It is at this point that I'd like to tell you my basic problem with this movie. Brad and Julia are just too pretty for me to feel sorry for them. Julia Roberts has relationship trouble? Oh, boo hoo. Julia can just go get herself any one of a thousand guys, just on the basis of her smile. Brad might get dumped? Somehow, I think that Brad Pitt can find himself a date Saturday night. No matter what they put the characters through, and I admit that being stranded in a tiny Mexican town with no El Camino is a problem, the fact remains: it's Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts. They'll be fine.

Oh, Lord. Samantha's not just reading her relationship help book, she's highlighting it. Ugh. In an attempt to inject a little plot into the proceedings, however, there's a scary black man at the carousel, and he's watching her through the mirrors in the carousel. He drinks his espresso menacingly. That might sound difficult, but in today's climate, an actor has to be able to express any emotion strictly through drinking espresso.

Hey, look! It's James Gandolfini! Who remembered he was in this movie? Can I see some hands, please? Cool! He's watching both Samantha and the scary black man. The only person not watching anyone is Samantha, who gets up and leaves, making sure to drop her Tab in a trash can in the foreground. High points for product placement; low points for not recycling.

In the women's restroom, Samantha goes into a stall, but when she comes out, the black man is there with a gun and some threatening words. But while he's in the process of terrifying Samantha, he hears a noise, which turns out to be James Gandolfini behind the door. Gandolfini doesn't bother with the threats and just shoots the guy several times in the chest. Then he dumps the pistol and his hospital gloves in the trash. Samantha is now quite terrified, and somewhat blood-spattered. He drags her out into the parking lot, ignoring her screams and pleas for help. Everyone else also ignores her screams, and soon the two of them are in the VW bug with Gandolfini driving and Samantha screaming.

After asking her if she's hurt, Gandolfini proceeds to frighten her even more with his scary driving. You know those vertical orange pylons they put up to keep the traffic from driving into the big holes in the road? He's driving directly over them so he can get a passing lane until he passes a truck. And then he pulls over so she can throw up.

While she's trying to impress us with how non-glamorous she is by vomiting on the road, Gandolfini tells her that she's not dead. In fact, he just saved her life. Is he going to kill her? "Depends on too many variables to answer right now." Well, that's reassuring. I guess. Is he going to rape her? "That's not likely, no." So what's going on already?

Gandolfini wants the pistol that Jerry's having trouble bringing back. He works for Bernie, who works for Margolese. Samantha is exceedingly irritated to be reminded of Margolese, but even more irritated when Gandolfini says that her husband Jerry is why he's here. "That selfish prick is not my husband," she snarls, before realizing that she's going to be used as a bargaining chip to get the gun. Apparently, nobody trusts Jerry to do the right thing. That's terrible, man.

Samantha has a scene. "I am a hostage? You blew that guy to pieces for a fucking gun? This is so Jerry! All right, look." But Gandolfini is having none of it, and she sits back down again. He goes over it one more time, because it is, after all, the plot: if Jerry hands over the gun, Gandolfini will hand over Samantha. If not, things could get ugly. Now back in the car.

Enough of them, because Brad Pitt's riding a donkey! Haw haw haw! Lookit the movie star on a donkey!

Um, I mean, "Unexplained Cut to a valley, where Jerry rides a donkey out of a tunnel." I guess it's the same tunnel as before, which means that San Miguel (the city with the dingy green bar and fireworks) is only accessible by going through a hill. Or something. The donkey wanders away, leaving Jerry alone by the side of the road. A truck pulls up, and Jerry tries to communicate using "hilarious" broken Spanish. Did you see how I put the word "hilarious" in quotes, indicating that it's not really funny? So unless you really enjoy the phrase "el trucko," I think I'm just going to skip ahead a little.

Jerry somehow makes it to a town, where he trades his watch for a busted-up pick-up with a growling dog in the back. So now it can be told: the reason those pick-ups always seem to have hound dogs in the back is because the truck and dog are a package deal. Jerry tries to call Samantha collect, and they miss a great spot for product placement. She doesn't answer, but Jerry sees the red car (from the car-theft scene) and is off in hot pursuit. Or something.

Unexplained cut. At a pay phone, James Gandolfini is depositing coins so Samantha can call Jerry and tell him that Leroy is with her. Check. James Gandolfini = Leroy. And then Samantha will hang up. Sure she will. Because she's really good at not pursuing an issue or getting sidetracked into screaming arguments.

Samantha takes the receiver and looks expectantly at Leroy. He asks, "You gonna make the call or do I have to make ya? 'Cause I will." No, Samantha is perfectly willing to make the call. What's the number? You don't have the phone number? No, don't you? Leroy: "What are you tellin' me? You don't have a number? A motel? Hotel? Nothin'?" Samantha: "What's the matter? Don't you listen? We broke up." With the careful enunciation and hand motions, even. "No longer together. Why would I have the number?" Leroy goes through her purse, so Samantha digs into her Big Book O' Self-Help Clichs to snipe, "I'm sensing you have trust issues."

At a gas station, Leroy tells Samantha she has one minute as she heads for the bathroom. And then she's climbing out the window into an alley. Yes, of course, Leroy is there waiting for her. "I'm a professional. I do this for a living." "Goody for you." Hey, did you see The Chase, where Charlie Sheen kidnaps Kristy Swanson and they end up bonding? You didn't? Oh. Never mind. I had a pretty good point to make, but I guess there's no point now.