As I type these very words, it's 10:46 pm EST, on Saturday, March 31st, 2001. I've been up since 6:30 am, there's a new episode of The Sopranos airing in less than twenty-three hours, and I'm hoping to finish this recap by sunrise. That's a bit later than I usually like to get started on these things, but in my defense, it's been an incredibly busy week in my real job, and also David Chase hates me. It's the only explanation. Never mind the whole no commercials/no repeats thing, this week he's also gone and blown my whole Start-to-Robe grading system straight to hell. Can a cease-and-desist on the conversations be too far behind? Anyway, for the first time this season, Tony actually stays dressed for the ENTIRE episode, generating a mind-boggling StR of 3,468 and counting. That's also a world record (in the other direction, since this was a long episode), and the real reason this episode gets a lower grade than last week. I spend four weeks praying for pants, and now they decide to listen? I guess God hates me too.
Melfi's office. She and Tony share a long, awkward silence. They're dressed differently, so it's not a continuation of last week's session. We're supposed to think she's going to tell him about the rape this time, but to be honest, that thought never even crossed my mind. I'm proven correct when the camera rotates around Tony to reveal Carmela sitting beside him. More awkward silence. Carmela asks about the knee. Melfi says it's fine. Tony's stomach growls. Heh. Finally, they get down to brass tacks (or should that be knuckles?). Carmela claims that Tony's panic attacks leave her feeling (among other things) helpless. "Because of your inability to help him?" asks Melfi. "Actually, I was referring to your inability to help him," Carmela snarks. Now Melfi proved last week that she's a pretty tough chick, but this one isn't even close to a fair fight. Carmela could chew her up and spit her out and still have enough leftovers to feed Father Intintola for a week. Melfi goes back to talking about root causes, and once again I mistake her for my boss and tune out. Flip. Anyone else expect Marcia Gay and Marisa Tomei to share similar career trajectories along with their similar names and similar Oscars? Plus, if Marcia Gay Harden ends up dating George Costanza, that would really be worlds colliding. Anyway, Tony tries prompting Carmela by saying that "maybe [she] does things that have an effect on [him]. People affect each other in life, you know." Ain't that the truth. Carmela rails against Tony's unwillingness to accept blame for "sticking [his] dick into anything with a pulse." I'm sure there's a sheep joke in there somewhere, but I just don't have the energy to look for it right now. "It's like those people who smoke all their lives, and then sue the cigarette companies when they get cancer," explains Carmela, and to a certain extent, she's right. I don't have a whole heck of a lot of sympathy for those people, and I smoke more than a pile of non-flame-retardant children's pajamas. "You're both very angry," observes Melfi, and both Tony and Carmela snort. Angrily. "You must have been in the top of your fucking class," opines Tony, and to a certain extent he's right, especially since I used basically that same joke last week.
In the car on the way home, Carmela is upset. "I find it very sad that after nineteen years of marriage we have to pay someone to teach us how to communicate." Tony responds to this by flooring the gas and swerving through traffic. She goes on to complain that Melfi took Tony's side in everything, and from what little of the session we saw, I'd agree. Suddenly, lights flash in the mirror, and they get pulled over. The cop is played by Charles Dutton, and I'm kind of interested to see whether this turns into a recurring role or not. It was sort of odd for just a one-off appearance, but you never know with this show. When he asks for Tony's license and registration, Tony tells him that he just bought new shoes, "and the soles are a little heavy." Well, it wasn't Paulie making the reference this time, but again I'm forced to ask, "Is it the shoes?" And I'm telling you people, it's gotta be the shoes. Tony casually mentions having dinner with the police chief the other night, and at least now I understand why Sars was laughing so hard last week. Tony offers a bribe, which Cop Roc doesn't accept, and then refuses to comply when ordered to shut off his engine. Cop Roc calls for backup, and Tony finally gives in, but not before asking if this is "the high point of [Roc's] career." When Cop Roc heads back to his car to write up the ticket, Carmela wonders why the cops aren't out arresting drug dealers or Mafia kingpins or something, and Tony closes the scene with the obligatory racial slur. Or three.
Ever notice how every now and then I'll suddenly start a paragraph in the middle of a recap with a sentence that has absolutely nothing to do with what's going on in the show? You know, like that one? Well, I now understand how distracting and confusing that sort of thing can be, because this scene features a bunch of people we don't know doing stuff that I didn't really care about on a street we've never even seen before. Although, I did like the golf club thing. I'm a sucker for quality stuntwork. Anyway, Random Guys A and B pull up in front of a restaurant somewhere. Random Guy A (older, fatter, and possessing a set of hair-plugs that, well, more on them later) sends Random Guy B (younger, hairier, and (if possible) dumber) in to get breakfast. Meanwhile, a couple is fighting in a Ford Mustang parked nearby, and I mention the brand of car only because it's important later on. Blah blah bitchcakes, and then the girl hops out and comes over to Random Guy A, who's standing peacefully by his truck. We get our first good look at her, and I'm sure there's a Hookers On The Point 3: This Time They Still Have Teeth joke in there somewhere, but I just don't have the energy to look for it right now. I need a nap. She begs him for a ride, but he's "on a job in Teaneck," so he can't help her out. In spite of this, the boyfriend hops out of the car and starts screaming at Random Guy A. There's much shouting and bickering back and forth, and then the boyfriend grabs a golf club out of his car and (literally, I guess) tees off on Random Guy A. Like I said, I'm a sucker for good stuntwork, and that looked damn painful. Not as painful as the Randy Johnson pigeon-seeking pitch, but painful nonetheless. Random Guy B emerges from the restaurant and stares in slack-jawed shock at the scene. The boyfriend three-putts on Random Guy A's head, and I think he needs to work on his follow-through. We get a close-up of Random Guy A's bloody forehead, and I finally realize what his hair plugs remind me of: Bar Mitzvah trees. See, they plant these forests in Israel with trees donated by Americans as Bar Mitzvah gifts for their kids. Except the forests are laid out in a perfect grid, and surrounded by vast stretches of arid desert. And that's what this guy's head looked like. That's also why I've been having nightmares about my Torah portion lately. It's been a really long week. Anyway, Boyfriend and his Hooker With A Crown Of Gold hop back into their possibly product-placed Mustang and drive away.
At the hospital, the Aprile crew is gathered around Random Guy A, who's comatose and sporting a massive head bandage. In case you were curious, the Aprile crew consists of Gigi, Joey Pants, Wide Guy, and Thin Guy. Thin Guy is wearing a sweater I once owned and loved. In 1987. Tony and Paulie enter, and the mandatory manly hugs are exchanged. Wide Guy bemoans the fact that Random Guy A is a vegetable on life support, but Pants cracks that they "should look on the bright side. He was not smart to begin with." Another bright side is that this guy might actually benefit from someone pulling the plug(s). When Tony notices that Jackie Jr. is there as well, he orders him out of the room. Out of humble respect for David Chase, and as a sign that I still remain unable to conjure a suitable nickname for this guy, I'll be referring to Jackie Jr. as "Little Lord Fuckpants" for the remainder of the recap. Which, considering his screen time this week, I should probably amend to "for the remainder of the three words." Little Lord Fuckpants refuses to leave until Paulie comes over and suggests that he visit the "ear-nose-and-throat department" to get his hearing checked. Such is my love for Paulie that the mere utterance of the phrase "ear-nose-and-throat" was enough to make me giggle. Tony takes charge and tries to find out who's responsible. Pants continues with the wisecracks until Gigi reminds him that "we're trying to have a meeting here." If this were my real job, I'd so get stuck taking the minutes. Then I look down at my notepad and VCR remote and realize that I'm stuck taking minutes here, too. Joey Pants makes a Lee Iacocca joke, and since I think we all already know how funny those can be, I'll just move on. Pants explains that Mustang Sally, our Tiger Woods wannabe, has some anger management issues. Apparently he threw a hot-dog vendor off the second level of the Meadowlands because there were "too many fucking onions or some shit." I really don't want to swear this much, people, but all the good lines have profanity it them. Oh, please. Who am I fucking kidding? Adding the word "fuck" makes things fucking funny, and we all know it. ["It's the 'k.'" -- Sars] Gigi agrees to resolve the Mustang Sally situation with "extreme prejudice." He's gonna sic Nick Nolte on him? I hope not, because Nick Nolte never makes things funny. Tony and Paulie leave, and Wide Guy instantly rips open the box of candy and everyone digs in. Even the Svelte Silent Sweater Guy gets a piece.
Cut to a funeral, with Father Intintola presiding. The Soprano clan, along with Carmela's parents, are in a mostly empty church, mourning the dearly departed "Febbie." Febbie, we're told, was a devoted father, a supply sergeant in the Pacific theater, and a devout Catholic. Say what you want about Father Intintola, but he's got that priestly funeral drone down perfect. Bobby Bacala, Junior, and Burt Young enter, and Tony looks especially pleased to see Burt. I guess they knew this episode was going up against the Oscars, what with all the stunt-casting going on. Burt did get nominated for Rocky, after all. On the other hand, Sylvester "Yo" Stallone actually snagged a nomination for Best Original Screenplay on that one too, which shows you just how truly weird the world can be. Anyway, that's why I keep wanting to refer to Burt Young as "Paulie" before realizing that I can't. Also, we need to talk about the cough. Burt coughs a lot. I mean A LOT. It's sort of an omnipresent, omni-directional phlegm spray. It may also be omniscient, and possibly omnipotent. It's the Zeus of coughs, so to speak. We get some subtle foreshadowing as Father Intintola explains that Febbie was frail and wracked with pain from cancer, over a shot of Junior sitting stoically in his pew.
God: I don't know…so far, it's not as good as last week. Plus, I really hate that Father Intintola guy. He's such a schnorrer.
David Chase: Don't worry. It'll get better.
God: I suppose. I remember in the beginning, when I created the heavens and the Earth, and the Earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
David Chase: Yeah, but have things really gotten better since then?
God: I think so. I do wish there were more Ewoks, though. Friggin' Noah screwed up and got two males.
George Lucas: Don't tell anyone, but I once got drunk and did the same thing.
God: I know. I'm omniscient, remember?
Outside of the church, AJ is relating the tale of a friend's father who died of cancer and had his head frozen. Meanwhile, Father Intintola greets Carmela and her mother. Mom calls Dad over, and he hands the Father an envelope "for the poor box." I'm intrigued by these two, because they don't appear to be the kind of people who would be okay with what their son-in-law does for a living, but they obviously must know and they don't seem to care. Father I stutters through a few words with Carmela before heading off past a smirking Tony, who knows exactly what's up with those two. Burt Young coughs his way out of the church, and envelops Tony in a hug. He's identified as Bobby Bacala's dad, and while I don't see much of a family resemblance, Burt does look like he belongs on this show. He sends Bobby Jr. to fetch the car, and then goes off for a private conference with Tony. Tony explains the Mustang Sally situation, and asks for Burt's blessing on the hit, because Burt is Sally's godfather. I'm gonna save the obvious joke for later in the recap. Burt doesn't care what Tony does to Mustang Sally, possibly because the cough has already foretold his future. They make fun of Junior for a minute, and I'm struck by how different the present-day, played-for-laughs Junior is from creepy, scary Flashback Junior. Finally, Burt and his cacophonous cough depart, leaving Tony, Janice, and Junior alone on the church steps. Tony expresses dismay at Burt's obvious illness, especially when he discovers it's lung cancer. "What do you expect?" asks Junior. "He's been smoking those Camels since he was in short pants." Oddly enough, I'm smoking Camels in short pants right now. It's a very liberating experience. Also, I initially forgot to capitalize the 'C' in Camels, which gave those last two sentences some radically different imagery. Janice describes the situation by saying, "Another toothpick…" and I'm left to simultaneously ponder both what the hell that's supposed to mean, and also if it's a personal goal of The Sopranos writing staff to actually speak the title of every single episode this season.
Vesuvio. Adriana escorts an elderly couple out of the empty restaurant, and it looks like they're closed for the night. I have some serious issues with Adriana's dress in this scene, because it's got the ugliest print I've ever seen (I think it's leopard-skin lamé), but the fit is fantastic, and it looks great on her. She joins Artie at the bar, and he expresses delight at the evening's receipts. He offers her a drink and some dessert, but she delivers the bad news: she's quitting, and she's not even giving two weeks' notice. Now I'm fantasizing about doing just that at my own job. Artie is heartbroken, but he puts on a brave face and says he'll get Charmaine to fill in. Adriana goes off to the bathroom to fix her make-up, and I have a question for the female viewers -- can you dye a dress to be a different color? I know you can do it with shoes for proms or weddings or whatever, but does that work on dresses? ["Depends on the fabric, and on the original color of the dress." -- Sars] And by the way, it's still gotta be the shoes. Trust me.
At Junior's place, he and Bobby Jr. are half-heartedly playing checkers. Junior asks Bobby why he's such a "gloomy Gus," and Bobby almost breaks into tears when he explains that Tony assigned the Mustang Sally hit to his dad. Junior makes a pretty funny anagram joke that doesn't translate well on paper (or computer monitors, for that matter), but Bobby isn't laughing. He's afraid for Burt, because he's a sick old man. Bobby Jr. even has to help him off the toilet. "Would you shut up with the toilets and the goddamn morbidity already?" snipes Junior, and all I can add to that is "hear, hear." Junior still thinks he's the boss of the family, and promises to tell Tony not to let the old man make the hit.
Cut to Junior doing just that. They're in the lawyer's office, and Tony insists that Burt wants to do the job. Mr. Mink Esq. enters to retrieve a file from his desk, and Junior apologizes for commandeering the office, because it's the only place the Feds can't bug. Then he asks for some coffee. After Mink leaves, Tony explains that Burt can get to the kid, and that he's done this sort of thing "a thousand times before. It'll give him something to live for." Junior isn't happy, but the decision is final.
Back at Vesuvio, we get the best line of the episode: "So I told him I would take those Duncan Sheik records and shove them up his ass." I have no idea why that's so funny, but it is. Funnier than "ear-nose-and-throat," even. Artie strolls out of the kitchen, and Tony calls him "Wolfgang Fuckface." No wonder Spago just closed. Artie spots Christopher, refers to him as the "man who stole her away," and proceeds to start rubbing Christopher's shoulders in a highly inappropriate fashion. He then staggers drunkenly into a chair and pours himself a drink of their wine. There's more rudeness, and also more rubbing, and Christopher finally loses it, forcing Tony to break up the incipient fight. He sends Christopher outside, and then shoves Artie up against the wall, demanding to know what's going on. Artie professes his love for Adriana in a not-at-all-manly fashion, and Tony cracks up laughing. "If I still had my hair…" moans Artie, and Tony replies that he couldn't get Adriana with "Casey Kasem's hair," and I'm not sure if that's supposed to be funny because he meant Dick Clark, or just because Casey Kasem's hair itself is funny. They both work, though. He sends the chastened Artie back into the kitchen, and also promises to call him about a business opportunity before walking out through the empty restaurant.
Boon's office. He gets a call from "Mr. Spears," and Tony immediately starts ranting about his speeding ticket. Boon is barely listening, but he promises to fix this "outrage" right away.
God: Nice continuity on the "Mr. Spears" alias. Good work, my son.
David Chase: Thanks. I can't believe You remember that. I guess I always figured You were more of a Touched By An Angel sort of guy. You know, because You probably have been.
God: Don't you read Omar's recaps? I watch everything. I've even helped you out with the competition a few times. Who do you think made Duchovny believe he could actually have a movie career?
David Chase: I just assumed that was Satan, not You.
Jessica: Why hast thou forsaken me, oh Lord?
Junior's Joint. Wow, that sounds a lot more suggestive than I thought it would. Sorry. Anyway, he and Bobby Jr. are setting the table. Burt and The Cough Of The Ages are on their way over with a" shortcake." When Bobby Jr. asks if Regular Junior managed to talk to Tony, he lies and claims to have decided against it. Then he feeds Bobby Jr. a line of crap about duty and honor that culminates with "Teddy Roosevelt once gave an entire speech with a bullet in his chest." For the record, no, he didn't. There's a weird bit with Junior and the garbage disposal, and then Burt hacks his way into the house. And not with a machete, either. When he starts coughing up blood, Junior freaks out and demands that he not make the hit. Burt insists, however, saying that his godfather status will allow him to get close, and "just when I think that I'm out, they pull me back in." April Fools! Actually, he says he finally feels useful. When Junior reminds him that he could be killed, he replies, "I'm dead anyway," and coughs up even more blood. If I were in that condition, I'd probably prefer a bullet too. And with that, I'll light another cigarette. Flick. Ahhhh…it's 1:30 am now, by the way. I've just discovered that V.I.P.. is on at two, though, and while I'm not much of a Pam Anderson fan, I've got to liven up my Saturday night somehow.
Vesuvio. By the way, we'll be learning later on in this paragraph that "Vesuvio" also sounds a lot more suggestive than I thought it would. Artie and Charmaine are in the kitchen, bickering over Artie's new plan to open a specialty foods store with Tony. Not only is she against doing business with mobsters, she also can't understand why he wants to name the place Satriale's instead of Vesuvio. I just figured it was because Tony has that extra Satriale's sign in his office at the Bing, but it turns out that he met with a marketing research guy who reports that "brand names starting with a V make people think 'vagina.'" Charmaine is appalled by this bit of semantic logic, and given that a quick check of my local pharmacy's feminine hygiene aisle turned up products named Femstat, Glad Rags, and Gyne-Lotrimin, I think she may have a point. On the other hand, what does V.I.P. make you think of? Charmaine mangles a Shakespeare quote and storms out.
In the dining room proper, Joey Pants is still babbling about Gladiator. Out of humble respect for Djb and his stellar recap, I'll forgo the obvious Oscar joke here. Instead, I did a little research on the cinematic success stories of The Sopranos stars we've all come to know and love. The results were actually quite surprising. While many of them have been in the movies you'd expect (Goodfellas (x3) and Mickey Blue Eyes (x4)), they've also graced the unexpected (I Shot Andy Warhol (x3) and pretty much every Woody Allen film ever), the unlikely (Private Parts, Random Hearts, and Michael Imperioli actually wrote Spike Lee's Summer of Sam), and the downright embarrassing (The Search For One-Eyed Jimmy (x2) and Tales of Erotica). This week's easier-than-it-looks challenge will be to figure out just which one of our erstwhile cast members appeared in that last one. It's not who you'd think. There's nary an Oscar in the bunch, by the way, although Bracco did get a nom for Goodfellas.
Anyway, Pants is sitting with Tony, Sack, Paulie, and Gigi. Sack casually mentions the Mustang Sally hit, and Tony takes offense at the tacit interference. Tony explains that using Burt Young for the hit was Gigi's call, and Tony backed him up on it. Sack is quick to back down, but Joey Pants can't quite contain himself so well. He cracks up and asks, "What's he gonna do, gum the guy to death?" It would have been funnier if he'd said "cough the guy to death," but I still laughed. Joey begs to do the hit, but Tony isn't changing his mind.
Hmm, interesting. I'd heard of the band, but I had no idea Fountains of Wayne was an actual store. That sells fountains. Now that's funny. ["For the record, the band is named after the store, not the other way around." -- Sars] Anyway, Tony shows up sporting a length of PVC pipe, and at first I'm expecting another shakedown scene of some sort, but it turns out he's just shopping. When he notices that Cop Roc is working as a clerk, he laughs. Then he calls him "Shaft," which does little to endear him to an obviously bitter Cop Roc. Despite the slight, Cop Roc politely and patiently assists Tony with his pipe purchase, during which Tony suggests that he write up a nearby statue for indecent exposure. In preparation for week's Bada Bing-centric episode, we're stripper-free this week, so I guess they had to work the nudity in somehow. Which reminds me to change the channel to V.I.P. Damn it! God really must hate me, because it's friggin' daylight savings time. Not only do I have one less hour to finish the recap, but V.I.P. gets skipped and I'm watching some sort of movie-of-the-week with Corbin Bernsen and Brenda Walsh. Now there's a challenge. Who can identify that one? Hint: They were on a boat. I think. Back on The Sopranos, Cop Roc explains that Boon got him transferred, and he's now no longer eligible for overtime. Tony feels guilty and claims he never told Boon to do any of that. This too does little to endear him to Cop Roc, who reports that Tony's pipe is out of stock.
Das Sopranohaus. Carmela calls Tony to the phone, and it's Boon. I debated whether or not to use this scene for Start-to-Robe, because Boon is berobed in a steam room somewhere, complete with the obligatory Old Guy With Way Too Much Exposed Skin. OGWWTMES is wearing a robe too, so it's twice the robe in a single scene. It's not Tony's robe, though, so the official judges' ruling is that it doesn't count. Anyway, Boon blathers about Cop Roc's fate, telling Tony not to feel guilty, especially because Cop Roc apparently has "severe mental problems." We get a reaction shot of Tony on that one, realizing that maybe he and Chuck Dutton aren't that different after all.
Burt "It's three am and I need cough-ee" Young arrives at Mustang Sally's house. "Cough-ee?" Oh man, that's bad. Sorry. I'm not deleting it, though. We'll all look back and laugh about that one in a few years. Anyway, Mustang Sally is inside watching Jesse Raphael Sally. Heh. Also, what's up with the writing staff's Wilson Pickett obsession? Burt rings the bell, and Mustang Sally's nicotine-fiend friend, who we'll just call Smoky Smokerson, goes to see who it is. When they let Burt in, he's dismayed to find even more steps to climb inside, and finally makes it up to the living room. Between coughing jags, he manages to suggest that Smoky Smokerson quit while he still can, but Smoky isn't having it. Neither am I. Flick. Ahhhh…Burt and Sally sit in the dining room, and Sally begs him to intercede with Tony. Burt tells him to relax, saying that he "got [him] a pass on this one." Sally is relieved. "Tell Tony it'll never happen again. Or if it does, I'll at least yell 'fore.'" Burt gives him the stank-cough, and Sally replies, "Sorry. I shouldn't joke." After the cough-ee thing, I don't think I should either. Burt asks for water, and Sally hops up to go to the sink. They banter about whether Sally should visit the hospital, while Burt slowly pulls the gun from his pocket and sneaks up behind him. This is the only time in the entire episode that he's not coughing. Not even a little. Nice touch. Just before he pulls the trigger, Smoky comes back out, and Sally turns just enough to cause the shot to miss. Burt does manage to wound Smoky, but then he and Sally end up wrestling. There's much grunting and shots of bloody hands before Burt finally blows a not inconsiderable portion of Sally's brains across the walls and ceiling. Burt stands triumphantly, coughs a few times, and pumps an extra round into Sally, just to be sure. Then he finishes the job on a weeping Smoky Smokerson, and sits down to enjoy one of the dead man's Marlboros. Flick. Ahhhh…
Later, Burt is driving away, smoking another cigarette and bopping along to a seventies song that would have qualified for Hey! It's That Song status, if such a thing existed. Another coughing spasm sends him groping for his inhaler, which ends up on the floor of the car. As he bends over to reach for it, the car careens out of control and smacks into the base of a billboard, which comes crashing down onto the hood. In a classically perfect meta-statement about the show's newfound revenue streams this season, the billboard reads "Your Ad Here." Shoe company CEOs all across America jam the HBO switchboard suggesting marketing tie-ins.
"Of all the fucking luck!" exclaims Junior, presumably upon hearing word of Burt's passing. Bobby Jr. is bawling on the sofa, relating how he had to go to Staten Island to identify his father's body. Junior anxiously asks a number of questions about the official cause of death, trying to determine if it was cancer or the car accident. Bobby asks why he's so curious, and Junior flips out, throwing things and swearing as he stamps around the apartment. Bobby stares in shock, and if you look closely, you can actually see his entire world falling apart. Aww…poor Bobby.
Vesuvio. Artie approaches Charmaine, who's working the front door. They bicker over to the bar and back, and Artie insists that he is going into business with Tony, with or without her support. When Charmaine tells him not to choose Tony over her, he casually mentions the word "divorce." This sets Charmaine right off, and she starts screaming at him, ending the marriage and assuring him that he won't be getting the kids.
Cut to Junior's doctor's office. Tony and AJ arrive, and Tony brought Junior a large paper bag filled with "the last of [his] sweet corn." Junior immediately sends AJ to wait outside, saying he needs to talk to Tony alone. Tony climbs onto the scale, and I immediately start anticipating wacky weight-related comedy hijinx, but alas, it was not meant to be. Instead, Junior announces that he has cancer, or, as he likes to call it, "The Big Casino." Tony is shocked and obviously sincerely concerned for his uncle. Junior reports that the cancer is in his stomach, and he's having surgery in two weeks to determine how bad it is. "These things come in threes, you know," he laments. First there was Jackie, then Febbie, and then Burt was supposed to be the final member of the cancer troika, but instead he died in the car accident. That's why Junior was so opposed to his doing the hit, and now he believes he's going to die. Tony is incredulous that the old man could be so superstitious, but Junior makes him swear to keep the news a secret. Yeah, like that will last.
God: Sweet corn, huh? That must be one hell of a garden he's got. By the way, get it? Hell?
David Chase: Yeah, I got it. You laughed at the "cough-ee" joke, didn't you?
God: It's still not as nice as my garden, though. Except for that whole poisonous Fruit of Knowledge thing, of course.
David Chase: I know. I read the recap.
God: Man, I hate that Aaron guy. He's so…smarmy.
David Chase: Yeah, I was hoping they'd get Djb to do the show, but what are you gonna do?
Well, the secret lasted exactly two seconds, because the very shot is Tony calling Janice to spread the news. Then we cut to Livia's house, and Tony and Janice are lounging on the sofa, drinking wine and reminiscing about the deaths of yore. Turns out, "another toothpick" was something Livia used to say, even about the death of her own brother (who also died of cancer). Tony admires the way the old-timers like Livia and Junior could suppress their feelings and fears, but Janice thinks they were just trying to ward off evil. She repeats Junior's "everything comes in threes" theory. "And then there's the Holy Trinity," she says. "You think that's a coincidence?" Don't forget there's three pages to a recap, too. I'd say that's definitely one of your more significant cosmic constants. Tony sits up and stares into his glass, pondering the philosophical ramifications of MBTV and the number three. After a moment, Janice asks whatever happened to Big Pussy. "Witness protection," says Tony with a grimace, but Janice already knows what that particular euphemism means. "Would you like to stay and pray with me?" she asks, but Tony swallows a laugh, stands, and walks out.
God: Great. That's just great. As if Father Rin Tin Tin wasn't bad enough, now I've got Janice on my team? I bet Siddhartha never has to deal with freaks like this.
David Chase: No offense, Your, uh, Deityness, but you don't really seem to be all that merciful or compassionate or anything…
God: Psalm 58:10. "The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance, he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked."
David Chase: Uh, okay. Whatever. Just don't let Paulie hear You say that.
Basamento di Soprano. Meadow comes down past the bugged lamp and actually starts doing her own laundry. God, if You're listening, you might want to check and see if hell has frozen over. Of course, Meadow is also singing, which is never a good thing, and apparently, both the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the United States Supreme Court agree that Jamie Lynn Sigler can't sing and really shouldn't be planning to release that album, because the FBI guys in the van instantly shut off the tapes. Later, Meadow is upstairs talking with Carmela. Tony wanders past and overhears something about there being a thief on campus. Naturally, this captures his interest, and he wrests the details from Carmela, who explains that someone stole Meadow's bike from the rack. "Did you lock it?" asks Tony immediately, and that is totally the first thing my dad would have said, too. When Tony discovers that the thief was black, he licks his lips, smirks, and says, "Imagine that." He goes on to cite statistics on crime rates amongst African-Americans, and then Meadow gives The Mother Of All Eye-Rolls and launches into a sociological diatribe of her own. Out in the van, the FBI guys are wondering why they would be having this conversation in the basement before realizing that the lamp isn't in the basement anymore. In fact, it's been on the kitchen counter right to to Tony for this whole scene. Meadow (quite correctly) calls her dad a hypocrite, grabs the lamp, and stalks off, saying she needs it for her dorm room. Carmela glares at Tony, who replies, "Now you've got something you can rat me out about in therapy." Out in the van, the agents are freaking out.
Cut to a restaurant best described as Bizarro-Vesuvio. This is what happens when you rearrange one restaurant set into another without changing any of the furniture. Plus, Artie and Adriana are there, toasting her retirement. Adriana notices Artie's new earring, which he claims to have had for years. Artie delicately tries to inquire if Christopher told her about his drunken outburst, and then he grabs her hands and tells her how much he'll miss her. Always with the inappropriate touching, this one. "I'll miss you too," Adriana replies, giving Artie a jewel of hope before ripping it straight off his earlobe by adding, "I'll miss Charmaine, and the busboys…" and pulling her hands away. He tells her about the divorce, and the new business with Tony, and I suddenly realize that as Joey Pants becomes less and less a carbon-copy of last season's Richie, Artie is becoming more and more a carbon-copy of last season's Davey Scatino. Adriana is happy for him, however, until he tells her that if she "ever changes [her] mind about marriage, there's always room for a bright, sexy VP," and grabs her hands again. She pulls away, and as he tries to convince her not to marry Chris, she asks for directions to the ladies room and makes her escape. As the waiter sets their food on the table, Artie looks forlorn. Man, I'd hate to have to sit through the rest of that dinner.
Actual, Non-Bizarro Vesuvio. Tony, Sack, and Boon are smoking stogies and divvying up the spoils of Newark. Boon invites them to his office to see the scale model of the development project, which even has little people walking on the sidewalks. Sack points out that since it's Newark, there should be "little hookers giving little blowjobs." You know what? Screw Duncan Sheik, this was the best line in the episode. Boon mentions to Tony that Cop Roc has been making noise about getting transferred, and Tony looks almost compassionate until Boon also mentions that a black officer's group is looking into the situation. Boon asks for instructions, and Tony goes from caring to racist in two seconds flat, uttering a simple "Fuck him."
Over at the Newark FBI office, a little agent is telling his little boss that "the Soprano wiretap has been neutralized." Neither of them looks happy.
Junior's Joint. Junior gets comfy in front of the TV, and settles in to watch a movie. Just then, Bobby Bacala arrives, dressed in funeral black. He's surprised to see Junior not ready, since the funeral is about to start. Junior says he's not going, and keeps trying to concentrate on the TV. When Bobby presses him for a reason, Junior finally breaks down and admits that he has cancer. Bobby is speechless for a moment, and Junior has to lean to one side to see around him. Dominic Chianese is great here, and you can really see Junior's desperate need to think about anything but death. Bobby turns and mopes out, saying, "First my dad. Now you. What the fuck happened?" I wonder what he'll do when Junior finds a way to blame the cancer on Tony.
Speaking of Tony, he's returned to Fountains of Wayne. He's talking to Cop Roc about an $897 birdbath he's just purchased, and when he offers a $300 tip to ensure its safe delivery, Cop Roc doesn't even stop to think about it before walking away. As Tony learns a valuable lesson about racism and integrity, the director busts out his funky lens and holds a distorted shot of Tony, standing amongst a field of lawn gnomes. We pan up to the cloud-studded heavens above, and fade out.
David Chase: So this is heaven? Nice. I like the cloud motif.
God: Thanks. I made them myself.
David Chase: You know what would make this place better, though?
God: More pearl on the gates?
David Chase: Well, yeah, but I was thinking strippers. And maybe free shoes. Ooh, and free meat, too.
God: Get --
David Chase: Yeah, yeah. I'm going.
Well kids, that's it. It's 7:29 am EDT, on April Fools Day, 2001. I've been up since 6:30 am yesterday, there's a new episode of The Sopranos airing in less than fourteen hours, and the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. And now you know how I spent my Saturday night. Flick. Ahhhh…was it good for you?