Previously on The Sopranos: Damn, that's a lot of previously. This doesn't bode well, considering it's only the third episode. Anyway, the basement is bugged, Livia was laid to rest, and oh yeah, The Sopranos is now in wide-screen, and I, for one, couldn't be happier.
In a new and somewhat surprising turn of events, this week's episode opens not with a shot of Tony in his underwear, but with a shot of Christopher in his underwear instead. Are there no pants in New Jersey? No, seriously. Are there? Because I'm willing to move. Chris is rolling a joint and getting ready to spend a nice quiet evening at home with Adriana and her "cheese dogs." That's actually a lot more appealing than it sounds. But alas, his phone rings, and because "it's the busy season," he has to go out and meet Paulie.
Adriana is none too pleased by this turn of events, until Christopher informs her that he thinks "this could be it." Paulie told him to look sharp and "shine [his] shoes." What is it with Paulie and the clean footwear? Come to think of it, I've recapped five episodes of The Sopranos so far, and all but one of them has had a reference to Paulie and shoes. That's got to mean something. I have no idea what, but we'll see what happens week. Adriana dreams aloud of moving into a loft, and laughs when Christopher tells her she's giving notice at the restaurant. She joins him in the bathroom as he shaves, and they share a nicely tender moment. "I love you, Christopher," she says, and he replies, "You better." Hmmm. I wonder if Christopher plays tennis? Adriana moves in close and tells him she's worried about Christopher "getting a call and going off all happy like this." He smiles ands tells her, "You've seen too many movies, that's all."
So, apparently, has this week's director, as we cut right into a patented Scorcese dolly shot of Christopher in the parking lot of yet another [name withheld] store. I can only hope this recent epidemic of blatant product placement is part of some sort of crash fundraising plan to augment the obviously meager pants budget on this show. I wouldn't mind it so much if it weren't so jarring. I mean, why not just put a bunch of NASCAR-style logo patches on Tony's robe and be done with it? In spite of my unwillingness to abet the placement of products, it's worth noting here that Christopher drives a sweet black Mercedes. That'll be important later. Sort of. And truthfully? I always thought of Christopher as more of a Trans Am sort of guy. Anyway, Paulie and Silvio arrive to pick him up. Chris, it seems, has seen just as many movies as everyone else, and looks vaguely nervous when Paulie puts him in the front seat instead of the back. He looks even more anxious when Silvio won't tell him where they're going.
Michael Knight: Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.
Michael Imperioli: I don't know…
Michael Knight: I've been through this sort of thing before. You're about to embark on a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist: Christopher Moltisanti -- a young made man on a crusade to champion the cause of the junkies, the gamblers, the pizza parlors, in a world of criminals who operate above the law.
Michael Imperioli: Uh, okay. Whatever.
Michael Knight: Sorry. I think I've seen too many TV movies.
Christopher comes down a staircase to find all the bigwigs gathered in a basement somewhere. He's followed by Silvio, who informs the waiting crowd that "[Christopher] sat on one asscheek the whole way over." "He's seen too many movies, this kid," is Tony's reply, and since I've certainly logged enough mileage on that joke, I'll just take my free flight and move on. They lead Chris over to a table while Bobby Bacala -- who's pretty much always funny just by being on-screen -- fusses with the lights. Tony, Paulie, and Silvio stand on one side of the table, while Christopher and some guy I don't recognize (but he showed up with Patsy Parisi) are on the other. Tony tells them that if they have any doubts, now is the time to speak up. They don't. Tony goes on to explain that the "family" is more important than anything. "This family…comes before your wife, your children, your mother or your father." He puts a little extra emphasis on mother, by the way. While he talks, Christopher glances over and notices a raven (or possibly a crow. I'm not good with birds, and I say "raven" only because I'm just vain enough to hope it's one of the many shout-outs to myScreamrecap in this episode) sitting on the windowsill. Paulie then tells them that if they ever have a problem with anyone, in the family or not, they need only tell Tony. "You stay within the family," he warns them, and then there's a bit of ceremony involving pricked fingers and flaming cards. That's actually a lot less appealing than it sounds. Chris keeps a nervous eye on the raven as Tony has them hold the burning cards and swear, "May I burn in hell if I betray my friends." I thought they were family? Anyway, it's official. After two seasons of hoping, bitching, and dreaming, Christopher is finally a made guy. But as the bird in the window flaps away, he doesn't look too happy about it.
What is it with HBO and the strippers? Come to think of it, I probably watched about five hours of HBO this week so far, and all but one of them had a stripper in it. That's got to mean something. But probably more about me than HBO. We're at a party for Christopher and the already forgotten Other Guy Who Got Made, and the strippers are dancing with giant feathers in the middle of a banquet hall while the boys eat. Paulie finds Christopher at the bar, and tells him that he'll be taking over the sports betting operation. His only responsibility will be kicking ten percent of the take to Paulie, with a six-thousand dollar weekly minimum. Paulie's only responsibility is to give his percentage to Tony, "and onward goes this thing of ours." Apparently, the Mob is some sort of pyramid scheme. The cops should really look into that. Paulie explains that, "with all the headaches in the modern world, ours are boiled down to only one. And that ain't a bad deal." Christopher professes his love for Paulie in a not-at-all-unmanly fashion, and finally seems to be enjoying his newly made status.
Cut to Tony standing with Carmine Lupertazzi, one of the New York bosses. They chat about work for a bit, but when Johnny Sack goes off to answer his cell phone, Carmine casually asks Tony if he's feeling okay. Tony thinks he means Livia, so of course he replies, "What are you gonna do?" Turns out Carmine is actually talking about Tony's "spells." Tony is appalled to discover that even the New Yorkers know about them. Carmine, however, is surprisingly supportive. He inquires about Tony's therapy, telling him that "there's no stigma attached to it anymore." He says they've been doing good business with the Sopranos for a long time, and he'd like to keep it that way, so Tony should try and "be a better friend to himself." Tony thanks him sincerely for his concern, and the scene ends with a hilarious shot of Gandolfini shoveling a slice of meat into his mouth while ogling the strippers as they bump and grind in the foreground.
Michael Knight: Dude, those chicks are kissing! Man, we never got to do that on Baywatch.
Michael Imperioli: Hey, shouldn't you be out, you know, fighting monster trucks or jellyfish or something?
Michael Knight: Nah. KITT's got a Boy Meets World Con in Vegas this weekend.
Michael Imperioli: How come you didn't go with him?
Michael Knight: Ah, that Topanga bitch slapped me with a restraining order. All I did was offer to prove that Trans Ams really do have a back seat.
George Lucas: I heard you got drunk and called her "Yo Bang Me" all night.
Michael Knight: Get out. Now.
Maison de Soprano. Tony "Robespierre" Soprano wanders through the living room, finding Janice curled up on the couch watching E! True Hollywood Story. Tony mentions that some kid called for her, and then asks if he's the fiancée she mentioned last week. Janice feels compelled to defend her taste in men by saying, "He's nineteen actually, and he can go all night." I feel compelled to rewind back to the strippers in a vain attempt to cleanse that mental image from my already scarred brain, but it doesn't help. Nothing helps. Tony joins her on the couch as she mentions that she'll be staying for as long as it takes to settle Livia's estate, which he describes as "a falling-down house and some old-lady underwear." There's a truly hideous close-up of Janice chugging a beer and snorting, and I can't believe I'm saying this yet again, but I miss the robe. Oh look, there it is. "You know how much we love having you around," he tells Janice, before offering to let her move into Livia's house, which Svetlana will be vacating in a few days. As much as I'm going to miss Livia, Janice definitely has potential as the new evil alpha female in Tony's life. Having gotten exactly what she wanted, Janice drags herself off the couch and goes to pack.
A brand spanking new Range Rover (complete with sticker still attached) pulls up in front of a pizza joint, and Christopher hops out. He's got a new sidekick this year -- some kid named Benny -- and if I were Benny, I'd be filling out applications to be a Star Trek ensign or the drummer for Spinal Tap, because "Christopher's sidekick" isn't exactly a position rife with long-term prospects. There's no way this guy survives the season. Inside, the proprietor gushes over Christopher, but over in the corner, Jackie Jr. and his pal Dino are talking smack. "Take away Tony and he's a zero with shoes," carps Jackie, and I start to wonder if perhaps David Chase experienced some sort of loafer-related childhood trauma. They head over to say hi, and while Dino is respectful, Jackie can barely bring himself to say congratulations. Small talk is exchanged, and it's revealed that Benny just got out of prison and Jackie is considering bailing on Rutgers. When Dino blabs about a coffee-house heist they're planning, Jackie Jr. flips out and starts abusing the clientele. Chris pulls him away and heads for the exit, saying, "I don't want to sound like an asshole, but I really can't be seen in places like this anymore." I think it's gonna take a little more than that, but it's still a good start.
Tony, on the other hand, feels that therapy has "gotta start showing results, or end." He wants to know the story on his panic attacks. Melfi responds to this with a lot of big words like "cognitive behavioral therapy," but Tony balks at her suggestion that he begin seeing someone else. "If you're ready to commit to mental health, I say that's great," she says, but he'll have to "delve deeper and focus." He starts talking about his recent panic attack, telling her that it started when "[his] daughter brought home a black," and he caught them "snuggling" on the couch, which they probably were but he never actually saw. Anyway, he recaps last week's rewind and restart, and Melfi gets excited when she learns that he was grabbing his meat. That's actually a lot less disgusting than it sounds. Although they do use the Italian pronunciation of "capicolla," which is "gabagool." All I can say to that is, thank god for closed captioning. Melfi makes the connection to his first attack (the one featuring the "penis-eating ducks"), which also involved meat. She's all ready to deconstruct this oddly disturbing little quirk of Tony's psyche, but his cell phone rings, and of course he has to answer it because "it's the busy season." He stands in the corner, but Melfi is still perturbed to be overhearing an obviously criminal conversation. When he sits back down, she tries to get him back on track, but the moment is lost.
Bookie HQ. Christopher and a couple of guys have some TVs and phones set up and are taking bets on college football. Furio likes Iowa, but Christopher bet it all on USC, presumably because he didn't know that their opponent (Oregon) has an All-American field goal kicker. A last-second kick blows the spread, and the guy running the show tells Christopher that he should have laid off the action on Philadelphia, which Paulie always used to do. Suddenly, that $6,000 Chris owes Paulie is looking pretty big.
Casa di Soprano. Tony, Christopher, and Joey Pants (if I can't get them to wear real thing, that'll have to do) are out back, grilling meat. Chris mentions his "minor setback," and AJ comes out to tell them dinner is ready. Joey is peeved at Jackie Jr. for being late, and wonders where "the little fuck" is. Tony says to watch the language around AJ. Sorry. Das Sopranohaus. Is that better? Joey Pants heads inside, but Christopher compounds his error by now talking business in front of AJ. Tony sends his son inside, and expresses concern over Jackie Jr. "He's the heir apparent," says Chris, but if he's the heir to the family hair I suggest he beg to be written out of the will. Tony tells Christopher to watch out for the kid, and to keep him out of the business.
Inside, Joey is still ranting about Jackie Jr., this time to his mom Rosalie. They all sit down at the table, and Adriana leans over to ask AJ if any of the football cheerleaders are "hotties." He snots that there are no cheerleaders for freshman ball, then storms off in a huff. In the kitchen, Carmela answers the phone thinking it's Jackie Jr., but is delighted to hear from Meadow instead. Despite the fact that she says, "Hi, Meadow" really loudly, AJ still asks, "Who is it?" Remember that later when Dad wants him to go to Harvard. Carmela asks her if she wants to talk to Tony, who's outside. "Burning a cross?" replies Meadow. Heh. Carmela says "I'm not sure I know what you're driving at," and pawns Meadow off on AJ. They have a scintillating conversation about boredom, and then Jackie Jr. beeps through on call waiting and AJ hands the phone off to Rosalie. I keep wanting to refer to Jackie Jr. as "Junior" before realizing that I can't, so I'm open for nickname suggestions, people. There's gotta be a JFK Jr. joke in there somewhere, right? ["How about 'JJ'? 'Dy-no-MITE!' Okay, forget it." -- Sars] Anyway, he tells her he won't be joining them, and when she protests, he says "fuck it" and hangs up. Wow, and we thought Meadow was bad for bitching about laundry last week. Carmela tries to console Rosalie, and mentions that she'll have Tony talk to Jackie Jr. and try to straighten him out.
The week is up, and Christopher heads over to see Paulie. Remember the lunch they had in the premiere? Turns out that's Paulie's apartment. He's sleeping on a cot against the wall when Christopher arrives, and the place does sort of look like it would belong to someone who's spent a lot of time in jail. Which Tony Sirico has in fact done. When Christopher tells him that he's two grand short, Paulie gets angry and declares that "this is unacceptable." Christopher doesn't know what to make of this sudden hostility. "What? Is it the shoes? It's the shoes, right? It's gotta be the shoes." He tells Paulie that he learned a valuable lesson, but Paulie's "not running a school here." He can have another few days to get the money, but it'll cost him an additional two grand as a reminder not to screw up again.
At Vesuvio, Artie serves Tony and Furio. He asks how Carmela is handling the empty nest, and Tony echoes the forums by saying, "What empty? Every five minutes Meadow is home with a laundry bag." They banter about the kids a bit more, and then Jackie Jr. shows up, looking surly in black leather and sunglasses. Adriana apparently hasn't given notice yet, by the way. Furio clears out when he approaches, and Jackie Jr. sits with Tony. There's awkward silence; Jack Jack (?) clearly doesn't want to be there. Tony asks if he wants anything to eat or drink, and then orders him to lose the sunglasses. Jackie Jr. complies, and Tony starts his little speech. "I'm gonna say some bad words here, and you're just going to have to deal with it." He tells Jackie Jr. the story about Richie being a rat in the witness protection program, and swears he didn't kill him. Jackie Jr. takes affront at this suggestion, and starts to make a scene in the middle of the restaurant. Tony sits him down again, and tells him that everyone knows about Richie, and it hurt them all. Jack Jack finally accepts it, and Tony takes the opportunity to warn him off the Mob life. The kid was supposed to become a doctor, but the classes are too hard, and now he's "thinking maybe osteopathy," but doesn't know if his grades are good enough. How good do your grades have to be to give a massage, anyway? "Your father never wanted this life for you, and I don't want it for my son either," he says, and I bet AJ would be pretty glad to hear that.
Too bad he's busy playing football. Tony is in the stands with all the other dads, bitching about AJ's playing time. One of the other dads gets really fired up and starts swearing at the ref while being dragged away. "That's Romano, the periodontist," Tony is told. Well, at least he probably has fresh breath when he yells. AJ finally gets put into the game on defense, and on his first play he recovers a fumble, or more accurately, he ends up at the bottom of a pile with the ball in his hands. Everything goes to slow motion as the players are pulled up, and Tony and the fans are cheering. The slo-mo makes them sound like bleating cows. Heh. After the game, Tony walks AJ out to the parking lot and gives him football tips from his old playing days. He offers to take AJ to "Stewart's for some dogs," but AJ would rather play Nintendo instead. After asking when AJ plans to throw the Nintendo out the window (only he used the word "friggin" three times in the sentence), Tony agrees to play. Pleased at his father's willingness to indulge him, AJ agrees to go to Stewart's and they drive off.
Bada Bing. Tony walks into his office and answers the phone. It's Carmela, and she wants him home for dinner right away. "But it's the busy season," Tony complains, before finally giving in. At the dinner table, AJ is crying over spilled milk. Except for the crying part. Carmela chides him for his clumsiness, but Tony is indulgent, telling him to pour another glass because he'll need strong bones to make open-field tackles. The way AJ eats, he'll probably need strong bones and a moped just to catch up with the guy. Although to be fair, Robert Iler has bulked up a bit this season, and we haven't seen him raiding the refrigerator like in year's past. They get onto the subject of AJ's college plans, and when he ventures to suggest that he might not go at all, Tony and Carmela are aghast. Tony reminds AJ that he wanted to go to West Point, but AJ denies ever even mentioning it. Tony also puts Harvard on the list of possibilities, but unless AJ gets a job as a janitor in the math department, I don't really see that one happening. The phone rings, and who can guess what Tony says? Instead of business, however, it's Meadow. Props to whoever in the forums pointed out the Sopranos really need caller ID, by the way. Meadow tries to give Dad the brush-off by repeatedly asking to speak to Mom. Tony tries to get her to talk, but when AJ asks for the phone, he gives up and hands it over. AJ walks off gossiping with his sister, and Tony and Carmela return to the dinner table in silence.
Over at Livia's house, Janice and Svetlana are now roommates. I think Paulie should move out of his cell/apartment and pretend to be gay so he can move in here with these two. Just imagine the wacky possibilities something like that could create. Anyway, they're getting ready for bed. There's some discussion about Svetlana's plans to move out in a few days, and then Janice apologizes for her behavior at the funeral. Svetlana still refuses to give up the record collection, though, saying that Livia didn't leave a will, and that possession is nine-tenths of the law. "Oh, let's not descend into that," says Janice, just faux-sweetly enough that you know it's exactly what she's planning to do. Svetlana takes off her leg (and her other Kenneth Cole boot), and Janice tells her that the record collection is "an emotional issue for [her]. Promise me you'll just sleep on it." Heh. That line is funny the second time through. Janice leaves, and they go to bed.
Meanwhile, Chris is in trouble. He's tearing around his apartment, ranting about having been "in the zone" gambling-wise, until the raven ruined it. Adriana, who's performing some sort of bizarre exercise regimen on the floor, sets him straight on the minutiae of avian superstition lore. Chris asks if her mother will lend him the money, but Adriana reports that she's "still paying for her hysterectomy." Okay, heh and ew simultaneously. She tells him he should just sell the expensive new Range Rover if he needs the money, but somehow I doubt that car cost any more than the Mercedes he had before (except that, as I've since been informed, Range Rovers do cost significantly more than that particular model. Remember when I said I didn't know much about cars? Or when I said I'm rarely right about anything? Well, there you go). As they argue, he shoves her back onto the bed, but then apologizes immediately. Before he can say anything more, his pager starts going off and he clutches his forehead in despair.
Morning at Livia's. Svetlana wakes up and discovers that her leg is missing. She immediately gets up and hops down to Janice's room, but no one is there. She hops back to her own room while uttering a torrent of Russian profanity, and I know it really shouldn't be funny, but it is and I can't help it. She picks up the phone and dials, and when someone answers she tells them in Russian, "That slut stole my leg!"
Across town somewhere, Christopher's Range Rover is ready for its close-up. As the camera lingers lovingly on its boxy contours, I just barely notice Christopher beating the crap out of some junkie in the foreground. Something about not making payments, I think. Anyway, Christopher kicks him one last time for good measure, and then climbs into his shiny new SUV and drives off.
Michael Knight: Range Rover, huh? Nice. Very luxurious.
Michael Imperioli: Thanks.
Michael Knight: It's still not as cool as having turbo-boost, though.
Michael Imperioli: They were out of it. It's their busy season.
Back at Livia's, Tony has arrived. Svetlana lets him in, and she's now using Kerry Weaver-style crutches to get around. As Tony walks inside, he notices ex-goomah Irina in the dining room and immediately wants to know why she's there. Svetlana reports that Irina brought her old Russian leg that she used to wear, but it's "a piece of shit" and hurts when she tries to wear it. Irina, meanwhile, is sweetly trying to engage Tony in small talk about her impending marriage and how much she misses him and why can't they just be friends? The two women continue with their own separate conversations as Svetlana tells Tony, "She put into my Sprite three Halcyons," and that the missing leg had all sorts of high-tech features, plus a matching leather Kenneth Cole boot, and cost $20,000. Tony is obviously embarrassed by his sister's actions, and promises to call her. When he asks if there's any food in the house, Svetlana tells him that his mother's meat delivery still comes every week. He goes to the fridge and pulls out a package of capicolla as the two women argue in Russian behind him.
The Fine-Grain Film of Flashbacks lets us know that we're in, well, a flashback. Young Tony sits in a car outside Satriale's Butcher Shop, listening to college football on the radio. Inside, Johnny "Pops" Soprano is hassling Mr. Satriale over a late payment. When the butcher stalls, Johnny grabs him and starts dragging him to the back room. Young Tony chooses this moment to come inside, and Johnny yells at him to get back in the car. Uncle Junior is there too, and he tells Tony to mind his father. Young Junior is seriously creepy, by the way. He also gets more lines and screen-time than Regular Junior this week, which is a shame. In the back, Johnny interrogates Satriale about the money he's owed. When it's clear there's no cash to be had, Johnny starts beating him. A terrified Satriale offers up Livia's meat delivery for free, but that doesn't stop Johnny from dragging him to a table and pinning his hand in place. As the butcher screams in agony, Johnny grabs a cleaver and does a little meat cutting of his own, before looking up to find a shocked Young Tony watching from the doorway.
Smash cut to Melfi, looking sad. "What? Your father never cut off anyone's pinkie?" jokes Tony. Melfi tells him that seeing something like that would be traumatic for anyone, never mind an eleven-year-old. "Actually, it was a rush," he tells her, and then goes back to his flashback.
Ye Olde Soprano House. Johnny is zonked out in the living room; Young Tony comes in to tell him dinner is ready. Johnny motions Tony closer, but Tony seems reluctant. Finally, he comes to stand at his father's side. Johnny chastises him for disobeying and coming into the butcher shop, but also says he's proud of Tony because most young boys "would have run like little girls." He goes on to explain that Mr. Satriale was a gambler, and his refusal to pay up was affecting Johnny's livelihood and his ability to (literally) "put food on the table." He warns Tony twice to NEVER gamble before Livia calls them all into the kitchen.
At the table, Livia brings out a roast. Johnny, ever the debonair romantic, tells the room that "she likes it with the bone standing up like that." She reaches out with a finger and tenderly places a drop of blood on his tongue. That's more than a little disturbing, but it's also beautiful imagery for their relationship. Johnny starts singing "All of Me," and while he is pretty good, I don't think he tops Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin. The kids laugh and watch them dance, and Young Janice has worse hair than Joey Pants. Young Barbara, however, is working the always-cute missing-front-teeth angle. Livia goes from hot to cold in an instant, and she shoves Johnny away. He takes it in stride, telling the kids that "the lady loves her meat" as he begins cutting the roast. Young Tony, who's been watching intently this whole time, sees the blade slicing the meat and suddenly topples to the ground, smashing his head on the table as he falls.
Another smash cut back to Melfi's office, and Tony reports that he needed four stitches to close the smash cut he got on his forehead. After congratulating him for making a breakthrough and remembering his first attack, Melfi steers the conversation back to Tony's parents. He reminisces that the only time Livia was ever happy was the day of the weekly meat delivery. "Probably the only time the old man got laid," he theorizes, and this episode is just stuffed to the brim with pleasant mental images, isn't it? Melfi tries to convince him that it was all too much for him to handle while still in puberty, especially with all the sex, violence, and food all tied together like that. Tony was also afraid that "someday, [he] might be called upon to bring home the bacon, just like [his] father." At least now I feel better now about all the meat puns I've made so far. And am I the only one who thinks that word "meat" is funny all by itself? She goes on to relate Tony's experience with capicolla to Proust's madeleines, and after a long and detailed explanation of that particular literary reference, Tony replies, "This sounds very gay. I hope you're not saying that." So does Gustave, by the way. Melfi babbles some more about determining "root causes," but now she sounds like my boss, so of course I've stopped paying attention. I think she actually assigns him some homework or something before the scene ends, though. Yep, sounds like my boss.
La Casa Del Soprano. Tony and AJ are sprawled on the couch, watching football. Tony is breaking down the play and giving advice when Carmela walks in and mentions that she's heading off to see Meadow. AJ wants to go too, and when Tony says he might like to go as well, Carmela sends AJ out to the car. Once he's gone, she breaks out the Carmela nag that we all know and love, and tells Tony, "If you want to go and make a big scene at your daughter's new college, then comb your hair and come on." Heh. At least she didn't have to tell him to put on his pants. Although he does mention his shoes. It's all about the bottom half of the wardrobe on this show. Tony only wants to protect Meadow, but he realizes he's not going to win this battle, and sulkily decides to stay and watch the football game. Carmela leaves him to wallow alone in his paternal frustration.
Now we get a quick montage of people watching the Saturday college football game. One of the shots gives Uncle Junior his four seconds of screen time for the entire episode. The sum total of his contribution this week: "Leave me the fuck alone." And they did. We also see Chris losing again, as his unlucky streak continues.
At Columbia, Carmela and AJ wander the halls looking for Meadow's room. When they finally arrive, they're both mildly surprised to find Noah there with her. The first question out of Meadow's mouth is "Dad didn't come?" and Carmela answers with "Did you really want him to?" Actually, yes, she probably did. Meadow informs Carmela that Noah told her what Tony said, and it's "all out in the open, so fuck this." Carmela warns her to watch the "latrine lip," and then AJ starts asking questions. Carmela sends him to wait outside again, but he figures out what happened before he leaves. Carmela and Meadow bicker some more, and Noah interjects that Tony is lucky he didn't "punch his fucking lights out." Ha! I'd like to see him try. No, really. I think that would make a good episode. Carmela agrees that there's no excuse for what Tony said, but also calls Meadow on her motives by asking, "Is this some kind of drama?" Meadow gets even more self-righteous (if that's possible), but Carm stays civil. She asks Noah for a moment alone with her daughter, but he refuses to leave without Meadow's permission. He's so getting off on this, you can tell. He's just cocky enough to enjoy playing the martyr. Meadow sends him on his way, and they share a long hug before he departs. You can actually see Meadow looking over his shoulder to make sure her mom is watching. After he's gone, Carmela warns Meadow not to discuss the family business. Meadow tells her that Noah already figured it out, because "he isn't stupid." Well, that's debatable. She also calls him "brilliant and sensitive," and that's not debatable, it's just plain funny. Carmela says she's just going to stay out of it, and Meadow loftily informs her that she'll be spending the weekend in Litchfield with some friends of Noah's family. Just to twist the knife a little bit, she mentions that friends work for NBC. Carmela sighs, and we cut outside to AJ, who watches all the students as they go about their lives.
Michael Knight: You know, you guys should consider moving to NBC. Lord knows, their Sunday night's been crap since I left.
Michael Imperioli: We'll pass, thanks.
Michael Knight: Hey, remember that time I was on West Wing? That was pretty cool.
Michael Imperioli: We don't like to talk about that one.
Janice has finally returned to Livia's house. She enters to find a guy she describes as "the famous Bill" standing by the door, but since he doesn't really do anything in this scene, I didn't bother finding out what he's famous for. Svetlana comes out and immediately demands her leg back. Janice does the whole "Leg? What leg?" thing, and it's pretty funny. When Svetlana brings up the disputed record collection, Janice replies that if she senses a "karmic connection" between the leg and the records, then perhaps giving away the records will help bring back the leg. Svetlana laughs at that and storms out, telling Janice that she'll be sorry she ever messed with her. Man, I love me some Suddenly Svetlana. So plucky and independent, that girl.
Despite the fact that he can't be seen in places like this, Christopher is back at the pizza parlor, meeting up with Jackie Jr. It seems Dino got popped, but Jackie puts them onto another score -- a Jewel benefit concert for Amnesty International. Chris is enthusiastic. He still sounds like an asshole, though. Meanwhile, it's dinner time at the Soprano's. AJ doesn't spill anything this time, but when Carmela mentions his college plans yet again, AJ says he doesn't want to go because everyone there is smarter than him. He storms away from the table, and while Carmela yells after him, Tony tells her to let him be.
Christopher, Benny, and Jackie Jr. pull up at the concert hall. Jackie Jr. is the getaway driver, and as Christopher climbs out of the car, Jackie asks him to bring back Jewel's autograph. "You're a good kid," Christopher tells him. "I'll bring you back her panties." Thanks, Chris. That's sweet. Christopher and Benny head inside, pulling on Scream masks. Aww, Munch, how I've missed you. While they're sticking up the hilariously indignant ticket sellers, Jackie Jr. is experiencing anxiety-related bladder control problems. When a security guard stumbles across the robbery in progress, Benny accidentally fires off a shot, but doesn't hit anyone. Chris and Benny run outside and jump into the car with the incontinent (or is it incompetent?) Jackie Jr., and they squeal out of the parking lot. My car incompetence (or is it incontinence?) prevents me from knowing what kind of car Jackie Jr. drives, but I do know that KITT would never have stood for being pissed on like that.
Michael Knight: Man, I wouldn't mind giving that Jewel chick a little turbo-boost, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do.
Michael Imperioli: Oh, yeah. I actually felt bad ripping her off.
Michael Knight: Please. That's nothing. Fucking Napster killed my German record sales. Copyright infringement sucks.
Michael Imperioli: I know. But what are you gonna do?
Another parking lot. Chris pulls up in the Range Rover, and then hops out and joins Paulie in his car. Not only are they both wearing pants, but there aren't even any conspicuously placed logos in the frame. I've never been so happy. Christopher hands over Paulie's money, and explains that he had a late night. Paulie tells him to lay off the coke, but Chris explains about the score with Jackie Jr., and then goes on to complain about how bookmaking is much tougher than he thought it would be. Paulie smiles and tells him, "Welcome to the NFL, rookie."
Welcome to Vesuvio, Paulie. He walks in and joins Tony while apologizing for being late. Tony offers him a smelt, and Paulie wisely declines. He passes over an envelope, telling Tony that they had a "very good week." They discuss Christopher, and Paulie gives him a good review. They agree he's not going to be happy to learn about the strip-search policy for newly made guys, but come to think of it, who would be happy to learn about a strip-search policy? I guess it depends on who's doing the searching. When Paulie mentions the concert heist and Jackie Jr.'s involvement, however, Tony goes ballistic, because he told Chris to keep the kid out of trouble. He immediately whips out the cell phone and dials Christopher's number. Cut to Chris in bed, still dressed in his suit, as both his pager and his phone start ringing. He tries to ignore them, and rolls over, staring off into space. Back at the restaurant, Paulie implores Tony not to be too hard on Christopher. "When is this kid gonna grow up?" Tony asks.
Speaking of growing up, AJ is out on the football field, being singled out for praise by his coach. "This young man may have a bright future ahead of him," says Coach, "He may be a leader someday." AJ blanches a bit, and then Coach announces that he's being named defensive captain. When faced with the same questions about responsibility and fear of failure as Young Tony was thirty years before, his response is exactly the same: he passes out, right onto the field. And onward goes this thing of theirs.
week on The Sopranos: The WB's promo department invades, presumably as part of some vast new AOL Time Warner synergy plan, and we're promised a "shocking" new episode we "won't want to miss!" Be sure to tune in and find out if Melfi makes The Choice That Changes Everything.