Paulie is a gross, gross man. A gross man who is half naked and receiving a back rub from a madam named Debbie. They make jokes simultaneously about baseball and sex. They make me uncomfortable. A topless woman interrupts the routine with concern that Big Pussy is having a heart attack. Which he's not. He's having a back spasm. Fortunately, there's a doctor in the whorehouse. Unfortunately, he's wearing a French maid's uniform.
Four days later, which for some reason they make sure to tell us in big blocky letters, there's a raid on a bar where Pussy is hosting a card game. The feds find a stash of illegal weapons. Pussy decides to live up to his name and makes a run for it. He gets caught, because as Christopher so aptly put it later at the Bada Bing, "[Pussy] gets tired pulling his dick out to take a leak." Pussy whines and moans, and the guys all laugh at him. Everyone is really icky in this episode. I feel itchy.
The cop who Tony is paying off (henceforth the CWTIPO) calls a meeting, and Tony is upset because it's interfering with his fishing. The CWTIPO tells Tony that Pussy is wired for sound and the feds are listening. Tony doesn't believe it. He doesn't just love Pussy, he luvs Pussy. He's like a brother to him. The CWTIPO offers up the evidence: Pussy's been pushing a lot of heroin to pay for his kid's college tuition, he was not in on the big heroin bust last year because he was in Las Vegas at the Mighty Big TV hoohah. I mean, he was in a federal holding pen, making a deal with the feds. Then he got out of jail almost immediately after he ran. And besides, Pussy is a big family man, and that's who the feds try to get. Tony can't believe it. He won't believe it. He mustn't believe it.
Tony and Carmela are having a par-tay. It looks like one of those godawful open houses where, even if it's one of your friends, you still don't want to go, because they invite all their relatives and who wants to hang out with someone else's bratty cousins and dirty uncles? And the food is inevitably some sort of gussied-up Betty Crocker fare like shrimp puffs or canaps or mini quiche. All foods which, as far as I can tell, no one actually likes eating, but just eats out of boredom or desperation at those damn cocktail receptions and mid-afternoon open houses. Anyway, Carmela's on the phone with Livia. Livia's not coming. Carmela feels bad. Tony doesn't. Carmela gets over it. If Livia was your mother-in-law, would you feel bad when she didn't come over? Didn't think so. Tony asks Pussy to help him move the piano. Couldn't they have done that before the guests arrived? Pussy says he can't because his back is hurt. Tony was aiming at something there, but I have no idea what. Pussy says he's thinking about going upstairs to take a bath, which is a pretty queer thing to do at someone else's house if you ask me. And an even queerer thing to do at someone else's house during someone else's party. Was Pussy raised in a barn? While Christopher and Paulie help him move the piano, Tony asks them to keep an eye on Pussy because he's not acting like himself. Christopher opines that it's because he's been popping Percocets like they're M&Ms. Paulie agrees, and adds that it's even weirder because there's nothing wrong with Pussy's back. Huh? Yes, it's true. Paulie sent Pussy to the "Jonas Salk of back pain," who, after poking and prodding, declared that there was nothing wrong with Pussy's back. They all mull that over for awhile. I go make a waffle, because it looks like it's going to be a long night.
“ Paulie tells Tony that he'll do what's necessary if the rumors are true. Because Tony's earned the right not to pop his friends himself. Ah, friendship. ”
Tony goes to discuss the issues with Dr. Melfi. He wants to know if mental anguish can cause physical ailments. He wants to know if Pussy's back pain could be caused by a guilty conscience. Dr. Melfi says that it's possible, that some people get physical manifestations of psychological problems. A backache could be indicative of a secret, a psychological heavy load. Tony looks pensive.
Back at the brothel, Tony, the madam, and CWTIPO discuss the Pussy situation. The madam doesn't think it's possible. The men don't care what she thinks. Tony wants proof. He wants to see the report that CWTIPO is quoting. He needs to have solid proof of Pussy's betrayal before he acts. And by "acting," I think he means "whacking." Don't you? Tony and CWTIPO swear at each other for awhile. Then they talk about their childhoods and their fathers and the madam. Then they pick their new names that reflect their true selves, paint each other's chests, dance around a bonfire, hug, cry, and hold each other. Sniff.
Carmela is way too nice. Really, doesn't Catholic guilt only go so far? Maybe she's going for sainthood? Visiting Livia is certainly a stop on the road to beatification. Like wearing hair shirts or keeping your virginity or self-flagellation. Anyway, Carmela's bringing Livia a ricotta pie and a big ol' helping of pop psychology. She tells Livia that she's driving Tony into an early grave with all her drama, manipulation, and self-imposed isolation. Carmela knows the power a mother wields, and she tells Livia that enough is enough. Livia's having none of it and lobs it right back at her by insinuating that Carmela's insinuating that she and Junior are more than friends and starts crying about being abandoned. Game. Set. Match.
Tony stops over at Pussy's house, allegedly to bring him some cannoli. Pussy's son is home from college, and Pussy is concerned about being able to keep up the tuition payments. He's losing money because his back is hurt, and now he thinks he's getting hooked on Percocet. Tony reassures him that whatever corner he's in, he always has options because he has friends. Friends with guns. And here's a question -- does Pussy pay tuition in cash? Wouldn't it be kind of hard to set up a bank account with money you earn by moving heroin? I don't understand these things. ["I think this is where money laundering comes in, but I have to confess that I'm a bit vague on how that works myself." -- Sars] Anyway, Tony gives Pussy the opportunity to tell him that he's wearing a wire, but both of them back down from the moment without admitting or accusing, and Tony calls him a beached whale. Ah, friendship.
Tony meets Paulie at a bar. He's smoking, drinking, and very serious. He tells Paulie that he's ninety percent sure that Pussy's wearing a wire. Paulie can't believe it. He won't believe it. He mustn't believe it. But he tells Tony that he'll do what's necessary if the rumors are true. Because Tony's earned the right not to pop his friends himself. Ah, friendship. But he still can't believe it. He still won't believe it. He still mustn't believe it. They hug.
Tony wants his mommy. Which, in theory, makes sense. But doesn't really make sense at all if your mother is Livia. But she's not in her room. So he stops into the nursing home's office with a stack of Mario Lanza CDs. The nursing home matron says that Livia's with the other "girls" in aquatherapy. Tony and I both choke on our coffee at the notion of Livia in a bathing suit, let alone being called a girl. It's all very strange. Tony leaves the message for Livia that her house sold, and bolts out the door. I'd run too. Wouldn't you?
Paulie's stalking Pussy. He takes him to a steam bath in the hopes of getting him to undress in front of him. Because, as I said, he's a gross, gross man. Well, all right, he wants to see if Pussy is wearing a wire. By watching him undress. Pussy fails the test. He won't do it. He says his doctor said that steam and sauna are bad for his back and his blood pressure. Paulie looks grim.
Tony meets up with Little Stevie to discuss the CWTIPO. Stevie's been doing some research, and it seems that the CWTIPO is into Pussy for close to thirty grand. He could be setting Pussy up, in the hopes that Tony will have him killed and the debt will be more or less erased. Tony wants to believe it, but the theory doesn't really explain Pussy's strange behavior.
The CWTIPO is in the shower at the brothel. He hears something, but he gets no response when he calls out. Well, no response except for a police badge shoved in his face. CWTIPO, the madam, an unnamed wiseguy, and the French maid doctor all get arrested. Tony watches the bust on the news with his family. Anthony Jr. wants to know what a bordello is. Meadow fills him in and then goes on a rant about legalized prostitution. Carmela and Tony point out that, although discussing sex may be appropriate in the nineties, in the Soprano household it is still 1954. They actually said that, I didn't make it up.
CWTIPO is out of jail already, and he's stuck in traffic. He leans on his horn until he gets the on-duty uniform's attention. He pulls out a badge, and the cop lets him through. CWTIPO wends his way through the traffic jam and heads out to the Route 1 bridge. Where he tosses himself off. Crikey.
Tony gets the call at the Bada Bing. He's not happy. He goes to see Debbie, the madam. He lets her know that CWTIPO always respected her. She says that he was more than a client, he was a friend who helped her out of many jams. Tony doesn't understand why he took that swan dive off the bridge, because he wouldn't have lost his job. Debbie says that the jump wasn't about his job, it was about depression. Tony wants to know if he came to her for therapy, and she says sure, who wouldn't want to sleep with their therapist? Tony gives her a look, and I giggle. Because I'm kind of silly like that. Debbie continues, saying that it's much easier to open up to someone when you're naked and warm and with someone who cares.
“ And Livia just lost out for Mother of the Year. For the fiftieth year in a row. ”
Livia is praying or crying or something when Junior knocks on the door. Turns out she wasn't praying, she was contemplating how to be evil. She tells Junior that Tony's been holding meetings with Junior's capos at the nursing home, and hints that Tony's making a play for his position. Junior jumps up to act -- blood or no blood, he's the boss. Livia starts crying and moaning that she shouldn't have said anything. She shouldn't have said anything like a mute. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda.
The Sopranos are eating dinner when Uncle Jimmy stops by right after getting released from the can. Jimmy pulls Tony into the basement to talk business. Something in what Jimmy says sets Tony's mental gears a-turning. He suddenly makes the connection. Two fat dark-haired wiseguys get busted at the same time, and both get sprung early. Seems that the CWTIPO got his information mixed up; Jimmy's the rat, not Pussy. The problem is, nobody can find Pussy.
One of Junior's capos whose name I can't remember tells his wife that Junior has set up a hit against Tony. He's going to take out his own nephew for making a move against him. And Livia just lost out for Mother of the Year. For the fiftieth year in a row.