By Pamie
We open with Tony driving at night. He's pulling up to a street with commotion. There are police and ambulances and wandering teenagers. Kids are yelling at Tony through his windshield. He avoids them and keeps looking towards the homes. He recognizes Hunter and asks her where Meadow is. She answers, "I give up. In the house?" Tony gets out of the car, pissed as hell. Cops are arresting kids and throwing them into patrol cars. A police officer walks up to Tony. They know each other. Tony thanks him for calling him. The officer said he called as soon as he found out it was Livia's house. A kid gets wheeled past on a gurney. The officer explains that the kid OD'd on Special K and Ecstasy. The officer tells Tony that Meadow is fine, but she's a little drunk.
Inside the house, Tony sees more kids getting arrested. The house is a wreck. There are candles lit everywhere, since the house probably doesn't have electricity. Tony walks to the kitchen, where he finds Meadow standing over a puking girl. Meadow whines that it wasn't her fault. Tony says that if he had a nickel for every time she said that, he'd have his own jet. He tells her to get in the car. He yanks her by the arm, leaving the puking girl to keep puking in a bucket.
Tony says he can't believe Meadow threw a party in her grandmother's house. Meadow sasses that Tony's the one repeating things now. Meadow smirks at her friend. Tony says that Meadow's lucky that he knew the cop. "Let me guess, he owes you money?" Meadow drones. I'd be so smacked for saying that.
AJ and Carmela wait in their PJs inside the house. As the car pulls up, Carmela tells AJ to get to bed. "No way, I wanna see the fight," AJ says. Carmela screams for AJ to get his "little butt" upstairs. I love these AJ years, before he was with all the booze and the cops and shit. Meadow staggers into the house and walks up the stairs, telling Carmela that they can talk about it in the morning. Carmela isn't accepting that answer and tells Meadow to get downstairs. Tony says she should sleep, and Carmela yells that she wants Meadow to answer some questions. Carmela asks if Meadow drove home that drunk. "I could've taken Ecstasy but I didn't!" Meadow moans, and runs up the stairs. AJ yells after her, "Don't puke on the floor!" Tony tells AJ to get to bed. "She fools around with Ecstasy and you yell at me?" AJ brats. "Get up there!" Carmela screams, and AJ runs upstairs. Carmela asks Tony what Meadow had to say for herself. Tony says, "The usual." Carmela harps that there were "designer drugs" there. Tony says that he yelled. "What the fuck else was I going to do?" My parents would have made me walk home to get a beating, but that's just one suggestion. Tony stuffs men in trunks to wait for their balls to get cut off, and he doesn't have any idea how to ground a bratty teen? My dad is the Tony Soprano of parenting.
Adriana drops off "Uncle Rich." She asks if he's okay. He says he wants to walk, to see if he runs into any of the "old crowd." He gets out of the car, and Adriana drives off. Enter Richie Aprile. He's going to be fun. He sees a corner store and starts cursing. He walks over to it. The neighborhood is bad.
Carmela gets into bed and tells Tony there have to be consequences for Meadow's actions. She asks what kind of parents they'd be if they let her get away with it. "Typical?" Tony jokes. Carmela says that plenty of parents are strict these days, and they need to send a message to Meadow that she can't behave like this. Carm says she can't wait for Meadow to go off to college. Tony says that's when Carm will get empty nest syndrome and have to go on Wellbutrin like her sister. Carm says it sucks to be a parent these days. If they take away her credit card, then they have to drive her everywhere. If they ground her, then they have to stay home and watch her. Tony says if they throw her out, then Child Protective Services would just bring her back because she's not eighteen yet. Carmela doesn't think this is funny, and asks Tony if he'd really throw her out. Tony says with the laws today, you can't even restrain your own kid because she'd sue for child abuse. They agree that there will be consequences. Tony says, "Let's just not overplay our hand because if she finds out we're powerless, we're fucked." It's such a great moment, watching Tony treat Meadow like Uncle Junior.
Back at the corner store. It's some kind of restaurant. Beansie, the manager, is doing managerial things, and one of the waiters comes over and points at a corner of the store. The manager looks, gets nervous, and walks over. Richie's sitting at a table. The way they always make Richie look skinny and weak is genius. They put him in horrible clothes and make him do sissy things like hold a Styrofoam cup of coffee at a funny angle at the table so he looks so defenseless. It's quite brilliant. He's so full of potential energy. Beansie immediately starts talking to Richie, saying it's good to see him, asking when he got out of prison. Richie says that Paulie told him he ran into the guy earlier. The manager is instantly all, "Honest to God. Nobody said a word." Richie tells him to shut up. The guy sits down. Richie says he did a lot of meditation in prison about things. He says that he didn't hear from him for ten years in prison. Beansie says he always asked how he was doing. Beansie starts bitching at his waiter for not giving Richie a full cup of fresh coffee. Richie says it's fine. Beansie sends the kid off to bring Richie a parm sandwich. The kid puts down his pot of coffee and runs off. Richie asks if the other two stores are doing as well as this one. Beansie says that he knows Richie's made, so he loses either way, and that he always respected both him and his brother Jackie, but he won't be shaken down. Richie tells Beansie that "sucking up to Tony Soprano" has done wonders for him: "I go away for a while, I come back, you're a tough guy." Beansie asks Richie not to do anything. Richie says he's only trying to take what's his. He says he gave Beansie everything he has. He says "fuck you" to the sandwich and says he'll be back every Saturday. Beansie asks what he did, and says this isn't right. He says he's not going to back down, he's going to step up. Richie takes a breath, grabs the coffeepot, and slams it into Beansie's head. Beansie hits the ground, and Richie gets on top of him. He punches the shit out of Beansie over and over again, asking him if he's really not going to back down. It's that first moment that we see just how violent Richie can be, and it's done very well.
Soprano house. Tony and Carmela sit at the breakfast bar, drinking coffee. Tony tells Carmela to wake Meadow up so they can take care of this before Tony has to go to work. Janice walks in and says they should let Meadow sleep. She says that they're making to big of a deal out of this Meadow thing. Carmela says they aren't making a big enough deal, since Meadow was drunk. Janice says that Meadow could have done much worse. She says, "There's a Zuni saying. 'For every twenty wrongs a child does, ignore nineteen.'" Tony: "There's an old Italian saying, 'You fuck up once, you lose two teeth.'" Janice says this is all about ego and control. She says that they want to control a young woman who only wants to be independent. Tony tells her to go get a perm. "I'm trying to watch TV!" AJ shouts from the other room.
Meadow waddles in, and Carmela starts asking for answers. "Yeah, that's right," Tony adds. Heh. Meadow doesn't say anything and keeps pouring her cereal, so Carmela says she's punished. "For what? I didn't do anything!" Meadow screams. Tony says that what Meadow did to Livia's house isn't nothing. Meadow says it wasn't her fault. Hunter told a bunch of people, and they brought people. And some guy named Steve brought some kid named Adam who's bad news. Tony says that Hunter's over at her own house, blaming things on Meadow. Meadow screams that they've been under lots of pressure lately, trying to get into college, and they've been working hard and they deserved a night. I tried this once with my parents, and it just got me more grounded so I could spend more time at home studying so I didn't feel the pressure of balancing school life and social life. Tony tells Meadow to calm down. Carmela says there's still no excuse. Tony asks who had the Ecstasy. Meadow says some guy named Adam who is a friend of Steve's. Carmela asks if this is the same Steve that Meadow always hangs out with. Meadow says she doesn't see Steve anymore. Carmela asks when this happened. Meadow looks down and says, "It's painful to talk about, okay?" Heh. Meadow says she knows what she did was "not okay," and she thought about it and she thinks they should take away her Discover card. Carmela: "You better believe it." Tony: "That's right." Meadow: "For two weeks." Tony: "Three." Meadow pouts and goes back to her food. She asks how she buys gas. Tony says she can use her allowance. Meadow says she already spent her allowance and she owes Carmela money. Carm says, "The, uh, pashmina?" She tells Meadow they can wait on that. Tony says they'll give her ten dollars cash every week until she gets her card back. Meadow walks out of the room, and only we can see her smile.
Tony meets Richie, and they hug. Tony says that Richie is all sinew. Richie calls Tony fat. They're happy to see each other. They sit down, and Christopher walks up. Tony introduces him to Richie. Christopher says that Jackie was like "a fucking god." Richie says he's heard a lot about Christopher. He tells Christopher not to raise a hand to his niece Adriana anymore. Christopher asks who told him he hits her. Richie asks Tony, "Is this kid getting jerky with me?" He tells Christopher he doesn't have to explain himself. He says if Christopher that if he wants to raise a hand to Adriana, then he has to give her his last name. Then it's none of Richie's business. But until then, Christopher can't hit her. Christopher nods. Tony nods. Richie stares, and tells Christopher to leave so he can talk to Tony. Christopher shakes his hand and leaves. Richie says Christopher's a good kid. "Capable," Tony says. Richie says he wants to get his business back on its feet. He starts talking, and Tony stands up and calls Silvio over to the table. He walks away as Richie yells at him. Silvio sits down and tells Richie that from now on, he's not to talk business with Tony, and especially not at the café.
Jennifer's out for a night with the girls. They've all had a lot to drink. They get up to leave.
In the same Italian restaurant, Paulie is telling the guys how Richie beat the shit out of Beansie. Tony says he's getting tired of Richie's dual personality. The girls walk past at this point, and Silvio starts hitting on the girl in front. Tony tells him to back off. Jennifer is there at this point, and she asks Tony how he's doing. She's acting like an old goomah of Tony's, and that's how he's playing it off. Tony keeps eating and says he can't complain. He says she looks good. Silvio tells Jennifer to bring her friends back. Tony says that the women are leaving. Jennifer says that this is her first time at the restaurant and the veal is excellent. "What, are we making small talk now?" Tony asks. Jennifer walks away. The men all look. Jennifer stops on the stairs, wiggles her fingers, and says, "Toodle-oo!" She walks off. They guys all tell Tony that Jennifer's got a nice ass. "She's got nice pipe-fitter lips," Pussy says. He then brags that he can spot a good blowjob based on a woman's lips. They all goad Tony into finally telling them that Jennifer does indeed give good head, and he insists that it was a long time ago. He keeps trying to get everyone to drop the subject. Paulie holds up one hand, moves it back-and-forth, and asks, "Good?" He then uses both hands and makes vigorous head motions. "Or great?" Tony stops eating and stares at him. "Why the fuck are you busting my balls? It was a long time ago!" Paulie says he remembers every blowjob he's ever gotten. He asks Silvio if he remembers his first blowjob. Silvio says he does. Paulie asks, "How long did it take for the guy to come?" Hee. Then it gets even better when the men are laughing and Paulie turns to Tony and tells him that he asked Silvio if he remembered his first blowjob and he said, "Yeah," so he asked him how long did it take for the guy to come. Brilliant.
Close-up on Jennifer. "Toodle-fucking-oo?" She says she couldn't sleep all night, she was so embarrassed. Peter Bogdanovich is telling Jennifer that "toodle-oo" isn't such a bad thing to say. She says that's not how she talks to her patients. He says that she was being "Jennifer" at that point, and not Dr. Melfi. He asks what she saw at that table that made her want to hide the doctor side of her. She says she was hiding from a patient that she never wanted to see again. He asks if she means professionally. He says that might be why she acted like Jennifer and not a doctor. Jennifer thinks saying "toodle-oo" was her regressing into being a young girl to escape responsibility for abandoning a patient. She says she needs him to tell her that she did the right thing. He asks why she became a doctor. She says she lost a patient because of this man, and that she had to go "on the lam." Peter Bogdanovich says that treating patients from a hotel room might not have been the optimal situation here, but at least she didn't leave all of her patients. He then asks her if she really just said "lam."
Janice is at a yoga class. As she does her downward dog, she spots Richie at the back of her class. Man, poor Aida Turturro. It's bad enough to be filmed in a leotard-type thing, but to go from downward dog to cobra pose? You might as well just have a camera strapped between your thighs as you run after the ice cream truck. That lady's got a lot of balls, and I respect her for it. Richie is watching Janice. Janice turns back and meets his gaze. She turns back around and looks concerned.
After the class, Janice walks up to Richie. She tells him that her name is now Parvati. He says he thought she lived in California. She corrects him, saying she lives in Seattle. She asks how long he's been out of jail. He says one week. He tells her that's where he picked up yoga. She says he looks very "supple." Supple and "sinew." All these adjectives to try to tell Richie that he looks good, when they don't think he looks good in the first place. She tells Richie that Livia's in a hospital from a stroke. He says that Tony didn't mention anything. Janice sort of snorts and then leaves.
Tony has Richie meet him at The Sharper Image in a mall. Richie is bitching because some kid spilled fried rice on him in the food court. Tony tells him to calm down. Richie complains about the other day, and Tony says he doesn't talk business with anyone. That's why they're meeting in a mall. Richie says it was disrespectful. They chat about old times for a while. Tony tells him that Richie will be taken care of, but these things take time. Richie has this thing where he looks at the mouth of the person that's talking to him, and not the eyes. It's very disconcerting and, I assume, incredibly frustrating for the person talking. Maybe he's got a hearing problem and reads lips. Richie says that what is his shouldn't be "given" to him. Tony calls him a prick.
Walking through the mall, Tony tells Richie that things are different now and that Richie needs to be more careful. He says he knows about Beansie and the smackdown. He tells Richie to back off. Richie says that Beansie is a sneaky cocksucker. He asks Tony if he's taking sides over him. Tony doesn't have time for this, and if Richie doesn't like what Tony's saying then he should fuck himself. "Oh yeah?" Richie asks. "How's your sister?" Tony whirls around and says there's no need for that kind of talk. Richie says he ran into Janice earlier and was curious as to how she's doing. Tony stammers that he thought Richie was starting shit. "How's your sister? Fuck your mother." Richie laughs and says no. Sure.
Janice drives over to Livia's house. She checks the mail and finds her disability check. "Parvati Wasatch." According to Janice's disability check, her mother's name is "Liva Soprano." Janice then steals Chanandler Bong's TV Guide.
Janice goes inside and sees the party damage for the first time. She is pissed off. There are flies and puke everywhere, and the place is wrecked.
Tony eats cereal. Janice storms into the house. She asks Tony if he saw what Meadow did. "That house is fucked!" She tells Carmela that she is beyond outraged. Meadow starts to walk down the stairs as she listens to Janice bitch about the state of the house. Tony says it sounds like Janice's apartment in Venice. Carmela says that Meadow has been punished. When Janice hears what Meadow's punishment is, she laughs and starts to say what she'd do if Meadow was her kid. Tony throws his bowl of cereal and tells Janice that she's got a lot of nerve walking into that house and bitching about how they raise Meadow. Janice yells at Tony for talking to her like that. Tony says that Janice is only there to pick the bones of Livia. He says she's got a lot of balls. Tony walks off, and Janice says that Tony hasn't changed "one iota" since they lived in Newark. Carmela says that Janice is passing judgment on them, on how they raise their kids. Janice keeps going off until Carmela has to scream, asking what it is with the Sopranos. She tells Janice to shut the fuck up about how they raise their children. Janice shuts up and says she's maybe stayed too long. She walks out of the house, and Meadow goes back upstairs.
Uncle Junior's doctor tells him that the fall didn't upset any pre-existing condition in his heart. Junior's got a bad hip. It's only a sprain. The doctor tells Junior that most of his pains are psychosomatic. Richie shows up at the office. They hug. Richie tells Junior to put a shirt on. "I'm getting a chubby." Richie is introduced to Dr. Shrek, and then Junior asks for some privacy. The doctor leaves. Junior explains again that he uses the office to meet people. He bitches about house arrest. "Federal marshals are so far up my ass I can taste Brylcream." Richie says he had to meet Tony at a mall and Junior at a doctor's office. Junior says that these are strange times. Richie says he'll do anything Junior tells him to do. They stare for a while. Junior says that Richie and his brother were always good boys. Richie says that he'll listen to whomever he's supposed to listen to.
Bada Bing. Some comic is roasting Richie's return. Poorly. It's quieter in the Bada Bing than when it's empty. The crowd gets restless, and the comic announces the Bing girls. They waddle out and dance. The crowd is excited again.
Richie is getting packages of money from everyone. Paulie jokes that one man's envelope is full of ones. They banter back and forth until someone insults someone's mother.
Richie asks if Beansie showed up. "Haven't seen him," Paulie says. Tony comes up to Richie all smiles. They tell him to go with Silvio. Richie leaves. Christopher bitches about Richie, but they tell him to have some respect. Richie did serve ten years. Paulie says Richie's got a right to be a little fucked up.
Richie gets a blowjob in the dark. He eventually stops the girl after sighing. She sits up and lips, "I see you like the dark." Richie says, "Yeah, something like that." Then it's not so dark anymore and there's another topless girl touching Richie's shoulders. These girls have the scariest breast implants I've ever seen. Richie stands up and puts his pants on. He hands them some money. Scary Tits says they can't take any money. She asks if they did something wrong. Richie tells them to leave the room. I guess Scary Tits is telling us here that Richie can't get it up, but I can't stop staring at the way her tits go up and then sharply curve downward and then back towards her stomach. Terrifying. Richie sits back down alone and looks upset.
Beansie is walking to his car as Richie pulls up. Beansie runs to the other side of the car and hides. He tells Richie he doesn't know why Richie's so upset with him. Richie asks why Beansie wasn't at the party. Beansie says that Richie's just pissed that he's got more money. Richie says he spent his money on lawyers. Richie starts shooting at Beansie, and Beansie runs off. Richie chases him for a second, but then stops.
Carmela knocks on Janice's door. Janice asks if the music's too loud. Carm says the music is fine. She says she wanted to apologize for earlier. Janice apologizes as well. She says she's never raised a child, since hers was taken back to Montreal. She says she's still petitioning to get her child back. Carm asks when was the last time Janice saw Harpo. Janice says that he's changed his name to Hal. No kidding. Janice asks to change the subject. Carm says that Janice is family, and she doesn't think Janice should leave. Janice says that Tony doesn't want her there. Carm says Livia's house is in no condition, and that Janice should stay with them. Carm politely insists, and Janice says she'll stay. They hug. Carmela says the music is just slightly too loud.
Beansie sneaks back over to his car. Just as he's about to get inside, there's a horn honking and bright headlights. Beansie turns around just in time to get smashed by Richie's car. He falls, and Richie backs up and runs him over again. Then he backs up over him again. Richie is smiling, smoking a cigarette. He drives off.
Meadow and Hunter make grilled cheese sandwiches, singing along to "No Scrubs." Meadow takes the high parts. She asks Hunter what her parents said about the other night. Hunter says they said nothing, since they're worried she'll go bulimic on them again. Meadow says her parents just said, "Blah, blah, blah!" Hunter tells Meadow to start purging and her life will be much easier. What horrible names. Hunter and Meadow. Like I'm talking about a J. Crew catalog. They make messy hot chocolate and make a total mess out of Meadow's kitchen as they bitch about their parents. Meadow says that her father's such a hypocrite, considering what he does for a living.
Livia's bed isn't working very well, and the buttons she's pressing cause the bed to rock back and forth. Livia's roommate suggests that she call the nurse. "Never you mind!" Livia snaps. She throws the bed remote down, and it hits the television remote. Livia tries to turn off the television, but keeps changing the channels instead. There's a knock at the door. It's Richie with flowers. The roommate says that Livia rang for him. Livia says she didn't. Richie reminds Livia who he is, because she can't remember. She thinks he's Jackie. He tells her that's his brother. Livia asks how Jackie died. Richie says that Jackie had cancer. "Me too," Livia's roommate smiles, and Livia moans to shut the curtain. Richie shuts the curtain on the smiley roommate. Livia says she was in a private room, and her husband would be so upset if he saw her like this. Richie asks where Janice is. Livia says that Janice changed her name to shame her. Janice walks in and sees Richie. They have a moment. Livia points out the flowers and says that Johnny has friends with class. Janice reminds her that Richie is Janice's old boyfriend. "Oh, I wish the Lord would take me!" Livia wails. Janice says that Livia complains to everyone that comes in there. Livia and Janice start arguing as Richie listens in. Janice excuses herself for coffee. Livia tells Richie she's sure he's very good to his mother.
In the cafeteria, Janice says that Livia will be better when she gets back home. Richie asks why Tony isn't taking care of her. Janice says that Tony blames everyone else for anything bad in his life. Janice asks what's up with the flowers. Richie says he didn't want to visit empty-handed. He asks why she wasn't in yoga. Janice says they weren't good for each other twenty years ago, and they probably aren't good for each other now. She says she's changed. He says that he doesn't want the old Janice. He asks if she ever thought she'd see him doing yoga. Janice laughs.
Tony and Carmela are in the kitchen. Tony's bitching about the tofu in the fridge. Meadow says she's happy that Janice is staying. Tony reminds Meadow that Janice thinks she wasn't punished enough for the house party. "That party wasn't my fault! How many fucking times do I have to say it?" Carmela and Tony "Hey" and "Oh!" a few times until Meadow just stares at them. She pouts into her food. "Don't look like you're gonna cry," Carmela scolds. Meadow says she needs fifteen dollars for a Cole Porter CD for her choir. She can't buy it without her card. Tony gives her the cash. Meadow pouts, and Tony asks what her problem is. Meadow pouts off. Tony bitches at Carmela for convincing Janice to stay. He says that he's been taking care of Livia for the past twenty years. AJ says he thought they weren't supposed to mention Livia anymore. Tony just stares at AJ for a while as Carmela goes on about how it's not Christian to kick Janice out. Tony points out that Janice is a Buddhist. Janice beams about Richie bringing the flowers by Livia's room. Tony takes off.
Tony drives through the rain. He starts having a panic attack as "You're Out of the Woods" from The Wizard of Oz starts playing. He's wheezing, and he grabs his Prozac. He opens the bottle just as he passes out, and we hear an eighteen-wheeler collide with his car. More Wizard of Oz music plays as we pan across. Jennifer pulls up in her car and sees Tony dead on the hood of his car.
Jennifer wakes up and grabs her dream journal. She writes down what she just saw, underlining the word "Prozac" four times.
Beansie's mom is crying as we see him in full traction. His wife, who is still living in 1972, bitches that he's scaring his mother. He tells her to shut up. Tony comes in and jokes that Beansie should be able to pick up the BBC on that thing. The nurse tries to kick Tony out, but Beansie says that Tony can stay. He tells Tony that he might not walk again. The mom and Beansie's wife walk away. Beansie's wife poorly acts a few lines about the mob, but they're easy to ignore. Tony sits down and says that doctors don't know anything about spinal injuries. He says one of Paulie's cousins is fine now after getting run over by a forklift. Beansie starts crying, and Tony holds a handkerchief up to his nose. Beansie blows his nose. Beansie says he might not be able to wipe his own ass some day. Tony says the nose is as far as he's willing to go. They laugh. Tony asks if Beansie's totally sure it was Richie driving the car. Beansie says it's a good thing he's not a rat, because that was no hit-and-run. Tony says that they're old school and they wash their own dirty laundry. Beansie agrees. Tony nods and blinks. Beansie asks if Tony went to see his mother upstairs. Tony says he came to see Beansie, not his mother.
Richie stares at a Victoria's Secret display. Tony walks up and says he thought Richie was going to back off of Beansie. "I did," Richie says. "And then I put it in drive." Tony says that's not funny, and Richie starts staring at Tony's mouth again. Tony says that Beansie might not walk again. He says that Richie doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself. He reminds Richie, "I'm the motherfucking fucking one that calls the shots." He says he deserves respect. Then he sends Richie on his way.
Tony drives up to Livia's house. He sees through the front window Meadow on her knees, scrubbing the floor. She tries not to vomit as she cleans. Tony turns back around and thinks. Meadow's always one step ahead of him, isn't she?