By Aaron
Could Tony Soprano be a communist? After all, he's been known to fraternize with Cubans and Russians, he often "disappears" his enemies, and David Chase has publicly admitted that he's been working off a five-year plan. And that's not even mentioning the way he's enforced the communal ownership of assets like Pie-O-My and Valentina. Oh, sure, he seems all bourgeois, what with the trips to the mall and the constant conspicuous consumption (mostly of food), but can we really be so sure? It's something to watch for, in any case. Other shows may have their HoYay, but we could be the first to have CoYay!
David Chase: Are you calling me a commie?
Aaron: If the sickle fits…
David Chase: Okay, now you've gone too far!
Fade up on one of the finest subtextually relevant video clips we've had in a long time. As Christopher carefully prepares to shoot up in his living room, we see the Little Rascals cavorting with a gorilla on the screen behind him, meaning that Buckwheat quite literally has a monkey on his back. Heh. Very clever, guys. What's , a Discovery Channel documentary on the world's biggest ball of twine, just to show how strung out he is? Or should we maybe get the Counting Crows to sing about "Mr. Jones"? Hell, the geeks out there might even appreciate a visit from Command & Conquer's Kane, if only for the sly reference to Chris's tendency to "Nod" off. In any case, Christopher stumbles over to the sofa, where he plops down and…hey! He just sat on Cosette! Or rather, he just sat on a stuffed dog that looks like Cosette that the editor tried frantically (but ultimately in vain) to conceal! We hear a strangled little yelp from beneath him, and then we cut to another Little Rascal knocking out the gorilla with a well-thrown rock. Wow. That's one wildly relevant video clip. But it matters not, as Christopher slumps over unconscious, with poor Cosette trapped beneath his weight. Farewell, Cosette. I don't care how hot you people think Christopher is -- no one wants to die while wedged between his ass cheeks. Well, I could be wrong about that.
And I know this is usually djb's thing, but I just can't help but break into song at this point:
On my own
Pretending she's beneath me
All alone
I sat on her 'til morning
Without her
The apartment is much quieter
And when I get real high I close my eyes
And sit on her fur
Ahem. When I return to my senses, Carmela is primping in front of the hallway mirror. And sure enough, just as we notice her brand new shorter haircut, the doorbell rings. She opens it to greet Furio, and…hey! It's Vinnie Delpino! And not only that, the shot is perfectly blocked to make you think it really is Furio until the absolute last possible second. Plus they've got Vinnie all decked out in black leather, so he actually sort of looks like Furio's Mini-Me. Hee! Carmela is crushed by this unexpected substitution, and Vinnie explains that Furio couldn't get a flight out of Rome on Air Contrivia this early in the episode. Carmela invites him inside, and then ditches him in the foyer without so much as an offer of a cup of coffee. Man, not even Wanda Plenn ever treated him that bad. In the kitchen, Tony comes downstairs to kiss his wife goodbye, and immediately notices the new do. "I thought we agreed that you were going to talk to me first if you were gonna do something to your hair," he gripes. Oh, Tony, Tony, Tony. Come on, dude! What guy doesn't know better than that? Why not just tell her she looks fat in that outfit? They do it all the time in the forums. And have you forgotten that this woman just stole fifty thousand dollars from you over a fingernail? "Do you like it?" she asks, ignoring his patriarchal patronization. "It's short," he replies, before adding that he's a bad, bad husband, and that Carmela should feel free to look elsewhere for emotional validation. Okay, actually he just kisses her again and walks out the door, but it's anvilicious all the same.
And sit on her fur
Ahem. When I return to my senses, Carmela is primping in front of the hallway mirror. And sure enough, just as we notice her brand new shorter haircut, the doorbell rings. She opens it to greet Furio, and…hey! It's Vinnie Delpino! And not only that, the shot is perfectly blocked to make you think it really is Furio until the absolute last possible second. Plus they've got Vinnie all decked out in black leather, so he actually sort of looks like Furio's Mini-Me. Hee! Carmela is crushed by this unexpected substitution, and Vinnie explains that Furio couldn't get a flight out of Rome on Air Contrivia this early in the episode. Carmela invites him inside, and then ditches him in the foyer without so much as an offer of a cup of coffee. Man, not even Wanda Plenn ever treated him that bad. In the kitchen, Tony comes downstairs to kiss his wife goodbye, and immediately notices the new do. "I thought we agreed that you were going to talk to me first if you were gonna do something to your hair," he gripes. Oh, Tony, Tony, Tony. Come on, dude! What guy doesn't know better than that? Why not just tell her she looks fat in that outfit? They do it all the time in the forums. And have you forgotten that this woman just stole fifty thousand dollars from you over a fingernail? "Do you like it?" she asks, ignoring his patriarchal patronization. "It's short," he replies, before adding that he's a bad, bad husband, and that Carmela should feel free to look elsewhere for emotional validation. Okay, actually he just kisses her again and walks out the door, but it's anvilicious all the same.
Back at the Dead Doggie Duplex, Adriana comes home to find Christopher passed out on the sofa and yet another clever clip running on the TV. She rolls her eyes at his obvious royal highness, and grabs Cosette's leash off the table in preparation for a nice afternoon walk…TO THE MORGUE, that is. She frantically searches their surprisingly small one-bedroom apartment for a moment before finally spotting the motionless lump of fur peeking out from beneath her fiancé. She shoves him out of the way, but it's too late. Cosette has already gone to that big fire hydrant in the sky. "I fell asleep," reports a befuddled Christopher. "She must have crawled under there for warmth." Heh! He cradles Cosette's corpse in his hands for a moment, and I'm moved to realize that somebody in the prop department spent as much time lovingly sewing together a dead dog doll as they did recreating Joey's severed head last week. That's got to be a very interesting job some days. Adriana flips out and starts screaming at Christopher, blaming the whole thing on his "fucking smack fuck lifestyle." Damn. Who wrote that line, Alan Ball? She stomps into the bedroom to cry in peace, and yes, she is wearing a leopard print shirt in this scene.
Bada Bing. Tony, Silvio, and Paulie are playing pool along with everyone's favorite whipping boy, Bouncer Bob. Howdy, Bob! How've you been? Despite the fact that the game they're playing doesn't seem to follow the known rules of any billiards game I've ever seen, they do at least appear to be enjoying themselves. Until, that is, Tony asks if anyone has heard from Joey. No one has, so Tony saunters over the phone to try calling him again. Ooh, very smooth, Tony. That's sure to fool them! Now Christopher arrives, fresh from burying Cosette's body under an end zone at the Meadowlands (somewhere between Jimmy Hoffa and Vinny Testaverde's talent, no doubt), and delivers a large package that was waiting outside for Tony. When Bouncer Bob helpfully informs Chris that Tony is calling Joey, we're treated to a shot of a bored-looking Tony pulling the cigar out of his mouth so he can literally blow smoke up the asses of everyone in the room. After listening to Joey's insipid answering machine message again, Tony hangs up and slices open his package. Ew. Not like that. You people are disgusting. To the surprise of no one who's been watching regularly this season, the box contains the pastoral painting of Pie-O-My that Tony commissioned a few weeks back. Everyone looks appropriately distressed over this discovery, except, of course, for Bouncer Bob, who once again flies in the face of danger by pestering Tony for details on an uncomfortable subject. Rather than delivering a smackdown, however, Tony just turns and stomps out of the Bing without saying a word. You can actually see the relief on Bob's face, by the way. Heh. With Tony gone, Paulie instantly declares their game of straight nine-ball monopoly snooker to be a forfeit, and grabs the cash from the table.
Out in his car, Tony uses his cell phone to call Silvio back at the Bing. "Get rid of that fucking picture!" he shouts. "Burn it! I never want to see the fucking thing again."
And then, continuing with the Planes, Pains, and Automobiles segment of our broadcast, we cut to Furio's flight, touching down at Newark airport. From there he catches a cab, and asks the driver to take him to 97 Product Place. Just kidding. He does, however, cruise through all manner of Americana as he passes strip malls, gas stations, and car dealerships on his way home from the airport. They're also spot-on with the little detail of having the cab driver yammering into his cell phone in an indeterminate foreign language. For a guy who was just bitching about all the litter in Naples last week, he doesn't exactly look happy to be back in the home of the Big Mac.
Vesuvio. Silvio is eating dinner with Patsy Peesy and Ally-Boy Barese. Why Ally-Boy? Because Ray Curto is wearing a wire, and therefore David Chase can't use him for scenes like this anymore. Or maybe it's just because Ally does such a great Costas Mandylor impersonation. Who knows? Anyway, Ally McBoy not-so-subtly insinuates that Tony might have been the one who killed Joey, and Silvio is forced to reply that he's not really sure what happened there. Then he gets up to go to the bathroom, leaving Ally and Patsy to argue over whose name is more girly. "Don't get me wrong," Ally says, "I wouldn't piss on this [Joey] if he was on fire, but to whack a guy over a horse? How fucked up is that?" "If it could happen to him, it could happen to any of us," replies Patsy, which completely ignores the fact that neither Dan Grimaldi nor Richard Maldone are big-shot movie stars who merit major plot arcs. They wrap things up by foreshadowing that if the time ever comes to kill Tony, Silvio would be the one to do it.
At the hospital, Tony attempts to assuage his guilt over Joey by sitting at young Justin's bedside, where his wheezy heavy breathing keeps perfect time with the beeping heart monitor. Joey's ex-wife enters behind him, and Tony hops up to report that Justin seemed to recognize him earlier. Then he hands over an envelope full of cash, which the ex gladly accepts. I note that her hatred of Joey clearly doesn't extend to the fruit of his ill-gotten gains, but that's an issue for another day.
Chez Soprano. Carmela, having apparently already primped off-screen, opens the front door yet again, and this time Furio really is there. She's delighted to see him, and he manages to notice her haircut and look pleased by it without saying a single word. But then he pulls his old "I'll just-a wait in the car" shtick, and once again my hopes of something interesting happening in this plotline are dashed against the cold, unforgiving concrete of the Soprano front steps. He did at least bring gifts for the family, however, and Carmela quickly rushes inside to check them out. Meadow gets a very fancy (but also really tiny) copy of Dante's Divine Comedy, whereas AJ gets a tacky plastic keychain with that little guy from the Planter's peanuts commercials on it. Well, that doesn't seem fair. I guess it's AJ's punishment for always getting in the way when Furio wants to be alone with Carmela. On the other hand, at least his name was spelled right, while Meadow gets stuck with "Maedo." When Carmela realizes that there's no secret present for her in the bag, she stands there looking thoughtful. She doesn't do anything. She doesn't say anything. She just stands there looking thoughtful. And people wonder why I don't care about these two.
Outside, Tony emerges to find Furio wiping away tears in the car. Oy. There's no crying by knee-cappers! There is NO CRYING by knee-cappers! Furio explains it away by saying that he's sad about his father's death. "Well, all right," snaps Tony, "but you gotta get over it."
Well, hello there, Mr. Ironic Segue Fairy. It's good to have you back. And I could say the same for Melfi, because Tony is crying up a storm in her office. He's telling her about seeing the painting, and how he had to be "the sad clown" and put on a "brave front" for his friends and family. Oh, yeah. Turning tail and running straight out of the room is definitely what I would consider putting on a "brave front." Melfi mirrors my disbelief, telling him that she's never actually seen him that way. Instead she remembers him as being "volatile, punching the walls…compulsive gorging on food. Kind of a far cry from the seltzer bottle and bicycle horn." Tony is a bit taken aback by her rather judgmental response, and admits that she won't have to worry about it for long, because he's doubled his Prozac dosage for a few days to help "get the nose up." Once again, Gandolfini shows why he's a world champion slurrer by stuttering over the "doubled my dosage" part of the line so we can see exactly the effect it has on him. Melfi reminds him that Prozac isn't a treatment for grief, and then brings the subject back to Pie-O-My. "The only other time you've become this emotional in here," she says, as the light bulb goes off over her head, "it was those ducks." "That was different. That was a whole different thing," protests Tony. "They were…they were…ducks." Heh. Melfi gets excited about this breakthrough, which if she'd been able to spend more than five minutes with Tony all season probably would have come in the third episode. ["Which could have used the help." -- Sars] It's not like everyone else on the planet doesn't already know Tony likes animals more than people. Tony responds by delivering a woe-is-me rundown of all the problems in his life. He's upset about Justin, about Christopher, 9-11, and all kinds of other stuff. "I know it's fucking ridiculous," he continues, "but I feel like the Reverend Rodney King Jr." Heh. "Can't we all just get along?" Melfi wants to know why that's ridiculous, and Tony points out that he's caused a lot of suffering himself. "My wife prays to God," he says. "What kind of God does this shit?"
"How about Carmine Lupertanzi?" asks Agent Not Mare Winningham, as she sits with Adriana in a parked car. Well, okay then. Asked and answered, I guess. They pull that trick a lot in this episode, even though I'm fairly certain we're not really supposed to believe that Carmine is God. After all, God would have been able to do something about those liver spots. Anyway, Not Mare is pumping Adriana for information, and, as usual, Adriana is being surly and uncooperative. But then she blurts that Christopher is stoned all the time, and Not Mare confesses that the FBI put them on a mailing list for rehab clinics. And just when I thought this scene was utterly boring and pointless, a car pulls up beside them with yet another tiny little field-goal dog in the front seat. Bwa! Not Mare goes crazy gushing over the dog and it's "tiny little face," but Adriana quickly bursts into tears.
Meanwhile, Paulie and Silvio are waiting at a warehouse somewhere in the pouring rain. They're expecting a shipment of flat-screen TVs that are apparently so great, they can actually make Karl Malden's nose hairs look like BX cables. I don't even know what a BX cable is, but I do know I want one of those TVs. If there's one thing that's wrong with modern television, it's that standard broadcast resolutions are wholly inadequate for the proper display of nose hair. Thank God for technology, eh? Silvio dials up Christopher on his cell phone, and leaves yet another message reminding him that they're waiting for him to show up with the TVs. Paulie, however, would rather talk about Tony, noting that the boss almost cried when he saw the painting of Pie-O-My. "And still no word from Joey?" he continues, with eyebrows raised. Silvio rolls his eyes at this, and delivers a perfect look of annoyance. See? Little Stevie can act when he wants to.
As these two stand in the rain waiting for Christopher, our intrepid young hero is cruising the slums of Newark looking to score some drugs. He comes across a group of what I'm sure are fine, upstanding citizens hanging out amongst a pile of garbage by the curb. He tries to work a deal with them, but the head Garbage Pail Kid has other ideas. Suddenly Chris is yanked out of his car at gunpoint, and he's able to do nothing more than yell empty threats as they steal his car, wallet, and handgun. He does, however, take a page from the Manuel Pedro "Paco" Antonio Bolin Memorial School of Diplomacy by offering to shove the gun currently in his face up the "twat" of the owner's mother. Smooth, Christopher. Very smooth. He does fare at least marginally better than Paco did, however, as the Garbage Pail Kids merely beat him up, rather than leaving him dead in the street. Even so, I don't think a man ever really can fully recover from the abject humiliation of being beaten with a PlaySkool xylophone. I know I never did.
Maison de Soprano. Tony fumbles with a bottle of wine in the kitchen, cursing as the cork gets stuck in the bottle. Carmela immediately chews him out, reminding him that Furio cared enough to carry the bottle all the way from the old country for him. Then she takes the bottle, presses it into her scrapbook, and doodles in the margins that she wants to have fifty million babies with it. Just kidding. Actually, she just pulls out a long stick and decants the wine into a pitcher. Tony, meanwhile, rambles on and on about Justin and Pie-O-My and how horrible his life is, but Carmela isn't even listening. It's not until he pulls a bag of giblets (and thanks, forum people, for saving my non-cooking ass and identifying that) out of the turkey that she finally bothers to pay attention. It was at this point, by the way, that I assumed we were doing a Thanksgiving episode here. Of course, later on we find out that it's the middle of baseball spring training, so I guess that's not the case. Of course, even later on we see what appears to be a regular season baseball game, so I'm just going stop trying at all to put a timeline on this season, because it's really making my head hurt. I mean, didn't Meadow just start school a few weeks ago?
Anyway, Tony and Carmela join Carm's parents in the dining room, where we learn that Carmela will be going to Boston with her mother to see a doctor of some sort. Remember that later, when it becomes a plot point, even though we're never reminded of it again. We are, however, reminded yet one more time about Tony's obsession with Pie-O-My, when he starts boring Papa Carmela with the details of her death. Then again, I guess the guy had it coming to him after we all had to listen to the story of the epic battle of Nova Scotia.
Dead Dog Duplex. Christopher stumbles home after his beating, and Adriana is appalled to see the condition he's in. Chris also has his drug pal from a few episodes back along with him, and I've decided to call this guy Stoned Ed, because, well, that's what he looks like. Stoned Ed is looking for someone to toss him a few bucks for getting Christopher home in one piece, but Adriana quickly hustles him out the door. Then she grabs the rehab brochure Agent Not Mare sent and silently hands it to Christopher. It takes him a minute to realize what it is, but when he does, he immediately responds by smacking her across the face. Ouch. "You put me on a mailing list for junkies?" he shouts, as he hits her again. This time she collapses to the floor, and he stands over her yelling, "Where do you get your balls?" I could make any number of jokes here, but it's fairly tense scene, so I think I'll pass. Christopher grabs Adriana's wallet out of her purse, rips out whatever cash she has in there, and stomps out the door.
And now for the weirdest subplot of the week. Paulie pulls up behind the Bing, where he finds Little Paulie and Vinnie Delpino preparing to torch Tony's painting of Pie-O-My. He dashes over to save the painting from the flames, and then explains how valuable a "classy piece" of artwork like that can be. Of course, he overestimates by about $20,000, but does nonetheless concede that "it would be a honor to hang this picture in my apartment."
Ahh, Paulie. Always with the wacky. Although I suppose it does bode well for the guy's immediate future that he's the only character listed in the opening credits (aside from the Invisible Woman -- er, Melfi, that is) who hasn't had an "A" plot yet. I know I've complained about minor characters getting too much attention this season, but I'm betting if you actually did the math, everyone's screen time would come out roughly equal. Oh, and you should really take the time to check out that link, if only to prove how much cooler Sopranos fans are than our wimpy West Wing brethren. I mean, we'd never be caught dead doing anything that nerdy. Anyway, it's morning at Chez Soprano, and Tony has wandered downstairs in his robe (StR=1,144). He finds Carmela and a bruised and crying Adriana waiting there for him, and he's furious to discover the full extent of Christopher's downward spiral. Carmela is the first to suggest hiring someone to stage an intervention, but Tony uses his much beloved phrase, "Do I gotta spell it out for you?" to remind them that "the family" likes to handle these things on its own. "Please don't hurt him," sobs Adriana, and Tony is forced to realize that he doesn't have a lot of options here.
Paulie's Place. He hangs the Pie-O-My painting on the wall, and once again the shot is perfectly blocked so that Paulie's head completely obscures Tony's image. If I close my eyes, I can totally see Foreshadowing sitting around the writer's room, saying, "I know! If there's anyone left who doesn't already get it, I'll just paint a picture for them!" Pleased with the latest addition to his home, Paulie takes a seat in his single plastic slipcover-coated chair, and settles in to watch some meta-fictional TV.
Cut to Carmela and AJ, ringing the doorbell at Furio's (Eternally Unrequited) Love Shack. "Why am I always having to come here?" gripes AJ as they wait. Heh. I've wondered the same thing myself many, many times. Once they get inside, Carmela claims that she's really there to help him with some decorating tips, and even mentions a picture of a "mirrored backsplash" that she thought might look really good in his kitchen. That's not at all important to the scene, but the one episode of Trading Spaces that I've actually watched all the way through did manage to teach me what a backsplash is, and after the giblet incident, I didn't want to look like a completely undomesticated boob. Even though I clearly am one. Anyway, AJ wanders off into another room, and Carmela and Furio engage in some awkward and incredibly boring small talk about how Furio doesn't feel at home in either America or Italy. Then they start talking about the dental hygienist she fixed him up with, and Furio reports that he dumped her ass because "there was no communication." "You know, like with some people," he adds, fixing her with a knowing look. Oh, for Christ's sake, JUST KISS ALREADY! You're boring the fuck out of me! If you're gonna do it, do it! Otherwise just shut the hell up and go beat somebody with a golf club. These two need to either fish or cut bait, and they need to do it now. You know, on second thought maybe that should be "fish or cut hair." "So why did you come back [to America]?" asks Carmela hopefully. "You promised you'd take me to CompUSA," answers AJ. Heh. The kid steps back into the kitchen, thus ending whatever moment Carmela and Furio were sharing while I fast-forwarded to the end of the scene. As they turn to leave, the kettle of water on Furio's stove comes to a boil, and all I can say is that I hope this plot will eventually follow suit.
Junior's Joint. Svetlana is in the kitchen, busily typing away on her laptop. You'll all be relieved to know that the spat between David Chase and Steve Jobs that forced Carmela to get a Gateway a few weeks ago has been resolved, and the Apple logo is once again front and center in the frame. Tony enters with Furio, who's brought a case of his Uncle's wine for Junior. Svetlana reports that Junior is enjoying his afternoon nap, so they all decide to have some wine while they wait. After her first sip, Svetlana declares that the wine needs ice, and Furio is so offended by this that he heads into the other room to watch TV. Just like Bobby's kids, however, he's chagrined to discover that Junior doesn't have cable.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Tony discovers that Svetlana is building a website for her business on the computer. He's suitably impressed by her abilities, and I'm just obsessive enough to accept that as a shout-out on Glark's behalf. He also asks about her mysterious boyfriend "Bill," and Svetlana claims that "Bill" is in Port St. Lucie to watch the "Mets" go through spring training. "You know, 'Bill' is a lucky man," says Tony. "You got every excuse to be in the bottle, and here you are designing websites." You know, I said exactly that to Sars once, and she beat me with a xylophone. ["Used a real one, too." -- Sars] Svetlana doesn't immediately get that Tony is referring to her missing leg, but I do immediately get why he's attracted to her. She disses Janice, she has a sexy accent, and she builds websites with a cigarette dangling from her lips. It just doesn't get any sexier than that, people. Once she finally does realize that he's talking about the leg, she sighs, "There are worse things," and the scene comes to an close.
And one of those "worse things" would definitely have to be seeing Paulie vacuuming in his super-tight underwear. Ew. Paulie glances up from his housework to see Tony staring down at him from the painting on the wall. He's freaked out by it, but I feel way worse for Tony, who's eternally unable to look away from the horror that is Paulie's glutes.
Back at Junior's, the old man is awake and giving Tony advice on how to handle the Christopher situation. They share some of Furio's wine, and judging by the grimaces on their faces, it's not very good. In fact, Junior says it "reminds [him] of people's feet." Heh. And then he drinks it anyway. Double heh. He also insists that Tony put down Christopher like a rabid dog, but Tony just doesn't seem to be able to agree. "If it were anyone else…" he says, trailing off. Junior reminds him of the damage Christopher could do if the FBI got to him in this condition, but Tony believes "that's all the more reason to clean him up." He's decided to call some guy they used to know who's now in AA, and see if the problem can be treated. Junior is wistful about their situation: "Me with the competency hearings, you with the head-shrinkers, and this one in rehab now," he says. Tony takes a big slug of the feet wine when he hears that one.
While the menfolk are busy discussing work, Carmela and Rosalie are deep in conversation about Carm's crush on Furio. Carmela admits how upset she was that he didn't bring her a present, and Rosalie (thank God!) tells her she's acting like a fifteen-year-old. I love Rosalie. Then again, this whole conversation is another recap of everything we already knew about this "plot," so there's not much to for me to add, except for the fact that Rosalie once had a brief affair before Jackie Sr. died, and felt really guilty about it. She counsels Carmela to forget all about Furio, and I sincerely hope that's advice Carmela decides to take.
In an unidentified living room somewhere, Elias Koteas explains the concept of interventions to an assembled group of cast members. Mrs. Little Stevie passes around a tray of cookies, and Carmela is particularly excited when she gets the opportunity to offer one to Furio. "We're all here today because we have one thing in common," begins Elias. "Not only do we share a certain background and culture, we also care about Chris and want to help him with his heroin addiction. Now have any of you guys been involved in an intervention before?" "We caught our daughter smoking pot once," offers Silvio. Hee! Elias goes on to describe interventions as "a non-judgmental confrontation. A 'care-frontation.'" Heh. He orders them to make a list of all the times Christopher's drug use affected them, and also lets slip that he's been through two interventions of his own. This offers Paulie, who is clearly disgusted by the entire concept, the opportunity to point out that Elias is a "two-time loser." "There are no losers in recovery," replies the indignant writer who conceived this plot. Er, I mean "Elias."
With the intervention exposition successfully out of the way, Tony decides to head out for a night on the town with Valentina. She's putting on make-up in his car as they drive, and she's babbling about how handsome Joey's kid was. You know, before the brain damage and all. Tony tries to have a sympathetic discussion on the subject, but Valentina is too shallow to care.
Which is probably fortunate, because Tony's apparently too busy to care much himself. He pulls the car over into a little turn-off at the base of the Brooklyn Bridge, and there's Johnny Sack waiting for him. Nothing like bringing your mistress to work, I always say. Speaking of which, does anyone want to go to my office Christmas party with me? I promise that the people-watching will be excellent. Anyway, Tony hops out to chat with Johnny, who's all upset about the whole HUD deal that Tony neglected to cut him in on. They argue a bit, and the upshot is that Tony refuses to pay anything to New York. He hops back in his car and drives off, leaving Johnny to stand there alone with the Manhattan skyline behind him. Notice, by the way, how this shot cleverly makes literal New York's creeping encroachment into Tony's territory. It's pretty AND symbolic!
Having decided that he probably doesn't want Tony watching his every move around the house, Paulie has brought the painting to some store to have Tony painted over. He wants "something classy" like "those paintings you see in the courthouse." He also suggests turning Tony into a Revolutionary War general, like Napoleon. Heh. "He's rather portly to be Napoleon," replies the proprietor. Double heh again. They finally settle on something "like Napoleon," and Paulie appears all excited to be such an art connoisseur.
Bada Bing. Tony has called a meeting of all the capos, from which Ray Curto is curiously absent. And hey! It looks like Wide Guy got promoted! Go you, Wide Guy! Get down with your wide self! "I think I know what happened to [Joey]," says Tony, "and if I'm right, he's not coming back." I think it's safe to say you are right about that one, Tony. Although I do note that Mr. Pantoliano's name is still in the opening credits. Hmm. Tony goes on to explain that New York could be behind Joey's disappearance, because of both the "ninety-five-pound mole" joke, and also the HUD deal. He orders everyone to launch a full investigation, which might not be the smartest thing, given that any successes in said investigation would point right back to him. "Nobody makes a move until we find out what happened," he admonishes them, "or until the season finale, whichever comes sooner."
Dead Dog Duplex. Christopher emerges from his bedroom to find half the cast sitting there waiting for him. For posterity's sake, I'll list everyone for you (from left to right): Elias, Silvio, Paulie, Vinnie Delpino, Furio, Tony, Carmela, Adriana, and Mama Moltisanti are all in attendance. Elias hops up to introduce himself, and Christopher remembers him as the guy who "stole all those pork loins." Sometimes I wonder where they get this stuff. When he learns that it's an intervention, Chris tries to head back into the bedroom, but both Paulie and Tony order him to sit down, so he reluctantly complies. "All we ask is that you listen," says Elias, before cueing Adriana to begin. She pulls some crumpled paper out of a pocket, and begins reading. "Christopher, I love you very much," she starts. "The last few months things have been very bad with us because of you using drugs all the time." Elias insists that she be more specific, so she skips ahead in her prepared statement, and continues with, "When we first started going out, we made love all the time. Now, because of the drugs, you can no longer function as a man." Hee! And I also love the "Get me out of here! Now!" looks on Furio and Vinnie's faces as they stand in the background.
Adriana goes on to mention how Christopher killed Cosette, and that gets Tony angrier than anything short of a baloney sandwich could manage. "You killed little Cosette?" he asks, incredulously. "I oughta suffocate you, you little prick!" Elias warns him about getting emotional, and Tony replies by saying that he knows "what it's like to lose a pet." Heh. But it's still not as funny as Silvio's contribution, which is delivered in a perfectly flat monotone: "When I came in to open up one morning, there you were with your head half in the toilet. Your hair was in the toilet water. Disgusting." "I told you, I had the flu," answers Christopher, but Silvio doesn't care. "I said my piece, Chrissy!" he shouts back. This must have been a fun scene to shoot. Carmela interjects to point out that Christopher was high at Livia's wake, and Christopher surprisingly chooses not to defend himself by saying that would be impossible to prove, even with computers. Paulie then takes his turn, and simply tells Chris, "You're weak, you're out of control, and you've become an embarrassment to yourself and everyone else." This finally pushes Christopher over the edge, and he lashes out at all of them. He accuses Silvio of sleeping with all the Bing girls, threatens to reveal how Paulie screwed up in the woods last year, and even tells Tony, "The way you fucking eat, you're gonna have a heart attack by the time you're fifty." Paulie leaps out of his chair to grab Christopher and threaten him, and Mama Moltisanti finally speaks up to say that she hopes someone beats some sense into her son. "Great, my own mother," spits Christopher. "Fuck you, you fucking whore." Ooh, he should NOT have said that with Paulie right there. Moms are Paulie's meat, so to speak, and that gets proven when Paulie punches him right in the face. The whole thing quickly degenerates into a brawl, which is highlighted by Christopher throwing Vinnie Delpino through the coffee table. Heh. Best. Intervention. Ever.
Aaron: Um, what are all you guys doing here?
David Chase: I invited them. I think it's time we had a little talk about your behavior, my friend. Jessica, why don't you go first?
Jessica: Ahem. [reads from Pee-Chee notebook] Despite repeated warnings, you keep stealing all our gimmicks for your own sick and twisted purposes. And now my Scully Action Figure tells me you kept checking to see if she was "anatomically correct." Disgusting.
Wing Chun: And you also keep putting spoilers in the damn recap titles! Not everyone gets the show the same day as you high-falutin' Americans do, you know.
Sars: Not only that, but I've heard you can no longer function like a man.
Daniel: Oh, the shame!
Aaron: YOU wanna talk about shame? At least my shows don't get cancelled all the time!
Sars: Now, now. There's no need to get angry. Everyone in this room is here because they love you.
Strega: Well, almost everyone.
Miss Alli: Yeah, I'm only here because I was promised there would be cookies.
Aaron: Oh, please. You people steal my "conversations" all the time! Not to mention the fact that I invented the song-parody homepage teaser. And who do you think made up the word "snarky," huh? That was me! All me! I'm "particularly droll," people. I AM Television Without Pity!
Regina: Viggo, kick his ass.
Aaron: [Scuffle. Scuffle. Thump.] Ow! Hey, no fair using swords!
Sars: Would you prefer I got out the xylophone?
Shack: You know what, I've got my own annoying Aaron to deal with. I'm outta here.
Gustave: Yeah, this is boring. I need me some Kiefer.
Omar: And by the way, I INVENTED THE DAMN CONVORSATIONS, asshole!
Aaron: Hey! Where's everybody going? Wait! I still need help! Come back! Now!
We cut straight from the fight to a hospital, where Tony finds a nurse to ask about Christopher's condition. The nurse initially has a hard time accepting the story that Christopher "slipped off the kitchen counter while spraying for ants," but Tony helpfully explains, "He was wearing socks." Oh, well, that makes all the difference in the world, then. Heh. Socks. Anyway, Tony goes back to talk to Christopher, and he makes the situation perfectly clear. "You're my nephew," he says, "and I love you. And that's the only reason you're alive right now. If it were anybody else, anybody, they'd have gotten their intervention right through the back of the fucking head." For some reason, Gandolfini is really working his Brando imitation in this scene, right down to the overly wheezy breathing. "I told you you were the future of this family," he continues. "I gave you that responsibility, and you looked me in the eye and you accepted it, and you were fucking high." Christopher is bawling by this point, and Tony angrily tells him that he'll be going into rehab, and that Patsy Peesy will be watching his every move. "How did it fucking get to this?" sobs Christopher.
Junior's Joint. Tony comes over to see Svetlana, or, as he puts it, "bring some pastries for the old man." Is that what the kids are calling it these days? The two of them settle on Junior's sofa with some glasses and a bottle of vodka, and soon begin chit-chatting about various things. After a long, only mildly awkward silence, Tony pipes up with, "You know, I was thinking about you." "Ahh, so you are drunk already," replies Svetlana with a smile. Heh. I love Svetlana. But you already knew that. Tony goes on to praise her, and she giggles a bit, loving the attention. But then he screws up and compliments her once again for persevering in the face of her one-legged-ness. "That's the trouble with you Americans," she replies, lighting a cigarette. "You expect nothing bad ever to happen, when the rest of the world expects only bad, and they are not disappointed." How very Russian of her, which is admittedly appropriate, as this show has just started airing in Russia. Oh, and you should really take the time to check out that link, if only to see the hilarious mis-caption which implies that Tony likes to have sex with his daughter at the zoo. Svetlana goes on to claim that Tony isn't as bad as all the rest, because he has "many fine qualities." He's "big, strong, full of life and mischief." Tony stares at her for a moment before telling her how beautiful she looks, sitting there on the sofa. And he's right, by the way. Not that she's ugly normally, but the lighting crew really did a fantastic job here. "You remind me of that movie star," he says, "Greta Garbo." He reaches out to touch her face, and just like that, they start kissing. We cut to a wide shot as Tony rolls on top of her, and the director curses himself for not reversing their positions on the couch so that her missing leg could be visible. Or maybe he just congratulates himself for saving some money on the effects budget. Either way, they mack, Soviet-style.
Rehab. Christopher, Adriana, and Patsy pull up in front of a swank-looking clinic called "Eleuthera House." Conspiracy theorists should take note that it's not the same one the FBI recommended. They head inside, and Christopher announces that he's checking in. The receptionist pages someone to come get him, and also reminds them that no phone calls are allowed for the first two weeks. "I'll write," says Christopher. "I was thinking of keeping a journal anyway, maybe get it published under my pen name." Conspiracy theorists should take note that his pen name could be "Aaron." I'm just saying. Some guy finally comes out to meet them, and while I've never heard the actor's name before, I'm almost positive he appeared on Six Feet Under at some point. Then again, I thought Dean Martin was Roy Rogers, so what the hell do I know? Six Feet Under Guy introduces himself as Brad, and proceeds to search Christopher's bag for contraband. He removes a pile of candy bars because caffeine and chocolate aren't allowed, but also says that cigarettes are actually encouraged. Well, in that case: flick…ahhhhhh. Chris and Adriana share a tearful hug, and then he disappears into the rear of the clinic.
Back at Junior's, Tony and Svetlana are basking in the afterglow. He tries to brush her off with the usual "I'll call you in a few days," but Svetlana pre-empts him by saying they shouldn't get together again. "Tony, come on," she says, "You're a nice guy, but I got my own problems. I don't want all the time to prop you up." Damn. She's just dissing Sopranos left and right these days. Tony can't believe what he's hearing, but just then the other nurse lady arrives and interrupts their little argument. Tony walks out, looking pissed.
Cut to Furio, sitting alone in his apartment. He's so sad! Isn't it horrible? And doesn't it just make him soooooo three-dimensional and interesting? You know, because he was all tough before, and now he's weepy and boring? Do you get it? Do you want us to repeat it for three more episodes? Because we can, you know. Of course, now that I've mocked them for it, I'm sure this plot will explode any second now, and I'll end up looking like an idiot. But even if they do have a kick-ass ending in store for us, it still doesn't justify the time wasted up until now. But that's an argument for another recap. In this one, Tony has also come home to find himself alone. He shouts for Carmela, but eventually finds a note from her on the kitchen table. Read it well, my friends, because the 617 area code and the oblique reference to the "Charles Hotel" are the only clues we get that Carmela is in Boston with her mother. Otherwise, we're just supposed to think she's gone over to Furio's. Which she hasn't. Which is symbolic of everything I bitched about above. Anyway, we cut back and forth between the manly men in Carmela's life, all the better to compare and contrast their relative appeal for her. Furio drinks wine and carefully cleans his utensils! Tony drinks milk and microwaves leftovers! Obviously, Furio is the better man! How could anyone think differently?
And finally, Paulie brings home his newly modified painting, and returns it to the place of honor in his living room. Tony has indeed been replaced by someone who does look "like Napoleon," and Paulie now clearly feels much better about his decorating scheme. He returns to his chair, flips on a baseball game, and sits back to relax as we slowly zoom in on the painting. Once again we end an episode with an eyeball close-up, only this time "The Executioner's March" plays as we're left to ponder the hidden messages Foreshadowing has stashed in the credits.
Will Tony live or die? Will Furio fish or cut hair? Will Christopher kill the monkey? Did Paulie kill the horse? Only three episodes left!