By Aaron
Friends, TWoPpers, countrymen -- lend me your screens. I come to bury Joey, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones. So let it be with Joey. The noble Chaseus hath told you Joey was ambitious: If it were so, it was a grievous fault and grievously has Josephus Pantus answered it.
Let but the people hear this testament…and they would go and kiss dead Joey's wounds and dip their napkins in his sacred blood, yea, beg a hair of him for memory, and, dying, mention it within their wills, bequeathing it as a rich legacy unto their issue.
Will you be patient? Will you stay awhile? I have overshot myself to tell you of it.
For Anthony, as you know, was Joey's boss --- judge, oh you gods, how dearly he loved him. This was the most unkindest cut of all!
I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts. I am no orator, as Chaseus is; but, as you know me all, a plain blunt man, that loves my show and that they know full well hath gave me public leave to speak of it -- for I have neither wit, nor words, nor worth, action nor utterance, nor the power of speech to stir men's blood.
Here was a Caesar! When comes another?
Alan Ball: So, did you get the memo?
David Chase: Oh, Christ. Please tell me they didn't renew Binder again.
Alan Ball: Nope. We're golden, baby!
David Chase: What do you mean?
Alan Ball: Dude! We're paying ten. Million. Dollars. Per year! There's no way Sorkin gets the trophy now.
David Chase: Come on. You know you can't just buy an award like that.
Alan Ball: Why not? Steinbrenner does it all the time.
Fade up on a jam-packed courtroom, where a curiously goateed Michael Jackson is testifying against Winona Ryder. Psyche! It's actually Uncle Junior's trial, and the most hideously boring lawyer since Matlock is droning on about his witness list. Mercifully, we quickly cut to the outside, where Junior is leading a gaggle of reporters down the courthouse steps. By the way, is it actually a "gaggle"? Or is it a herd? A pride? A flock? A sloth? Actually, I guess it really doesn't matter. They're all shouting questions at him, but it's not until attractive young reporter Allison Pak calls his name that Junior's ears finally perk up. When he turns to answer her, however, he gets smacked in the head with a boom mic, and ends up tumbling down the steps. Bwa! As he lies sprawled on the sidewalk, a cop runs over to dramatically inquire, "Have you been shot?" Heh. Allison -- or, as I like to call her, "The Pre-Surgical Annette Bening" -- deadpans into her camera, "I'm here at the Federal Courthouse where reputed mob boss Corrado Soprano just fell nine -- no, seven -- steps." Hee! I laughed at that line five -- no, six -- times.
Meanwhile, Tony and Carmela are stepping out themselves. They've gone to the stables to visit Pie-O-My -- or, as Tony likes to call her, "our royal highness." At first I thought Carmela might be concerned that Lois was the owner of last week's wayward fingernail, but, much like some of our forum posters, the only thing she really cares about is the goat. "Uh, yeah. That's her friend," explains Tony. Oh, and props to the early-morning emailer who pointed out that the goat's mouth doesn't move while the sound guys pipe in a few "baaa"s on the soundtrack. You know what I like about Lois, by the way? She totally knows who Tony is and what he does, but she doesn't care because he so clearly loves the horse. That's a nice bit of characterization, and it helps to make the exposition about the big upcoming race go down a lot smoother. Carmela wanders over to Pie's stall and nervously introduces herself. It's a good thing horses are supposedly color-blind, because otherwise the hot-pink jacket Carmela's wearing could set off a stampede. Tony comes over to join her, and Pie immediately approaches him to get some of Tony's good old-fashioned horse-loving. "She likes it when you rub her muzzle right here," he explains. Carmela is captivated by Pie's largely instinctual response to nose-rubbing. "You see that?" she asks. "The second she saw you she came right over." I can't tell whether Carmela is more excited to see Tony as the object of someone's affection, or by seeing Tony himself acting so passionate about the animal. Either way, she loves it. Tony promises to bring her to a race someday, and then we slowly push in on Pie's eye…
…which dissolves into Uncle Junior's eye, as the Ironic Segue Fairy gets his kicks by playing with the Avid machine in the editing bay. Junior is in the hospital, being examined for neurological damage as the result of his fall. Bobby and Melvoin stand by watching, until Mel announces that he has to leave because his daughter is addressing the Irish parliament. Heh. Always with the ethnic mélange on this show. And would that be the Dail Eireann, or the Seanad Eireann? I'm just curious. Out in the hallway, Tony is getting details from a young doctor. "A man his age," the kid says, "he could've been working on a dementia for quite a while and a blow to the head tipped him over." Tony responds by loudly threatening to sue the Justice Department, and then Janice rushes in to overreact as usual. Heh. If you look closely, you can see where they've taped her shirt to her chest to cover the fact that her Rolling Stones tattoo isn't on in this scene. Everyone looks at her with reproach, and…scene.
Over at the Pants Lair, Joey is hanging out with the Guys (Thin and Wide). Incidentally, does anyone know the provenance of the Pants Lair? I know it used to belong to Gigi before last season's unfortunate ass-clenching incident, so I guess it's owned by the crew. But is it a bar? A social club? Someone's house? It looks kind of like a rec room, which, given Joey's sexual predilections, could give all new meaning to the term basement of debasement. In any case, Joey is expounding upon his theories regarding who told Johnny Sack about the "ninety-five-pound mole" joke. He quickly figures out that the message must have been relayed from Little Paulie to Big Paulie to Johnny Sack, just like "a fucking telephone game." "You wanna play phone games?" he shouts, as Wide Guy tosses him the cordless. "That party was the only time I ever mentioned Shamu's fat ass." I shouldn't, but -- heh. After bouncing from operator to operator for a few moments, Joey finally gets connected to Mama Walnuts, who, of course, has her bedside lamp wired to The Clapper. I think it's a safe bet that sometime before the end of the season, this woman will have fallen and been unable to get up. And aren't we all looking forward to that? Once he has her on the line, the real fun begins. "This is Detective Mike Hunt of the Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania police department," says Joey. Ooh, shout-out? Beaver Falls is like ten miles from here. In fact, I'm typing this recap on a computer that's being powered by the Beaver Valley nuclear power plant. Joey goes on to claim that Paulie was busted at a highway rest-stop "sucking a cub scout's dick," and even goes so far as to break out the hoary old gerbil-up-the-ass chestnut before asking if Mama Walnuts has an insurance card to cover the cost of rodent-removal surgery. "Oh, madon'!" she cries, "I have Blue Cross-Blue Shield, is that all right?" Wide Guy and Thin Guy are barely able to contain their peals of laughter, and quite frankly, so am I. I debated whether or not I should admit this, but since there are more than a few potential quasi-shout-outs in this recap, I guess I sort of have to. So here goes: When I was twelve, my friend and I got arrested for making prank phone calls. I kid you not. We took my phone number, added one to it, and started calling those people mercilessly. It wasn't until the cops showed up a few days later that we discovered that the owner of that particular number happened to be on the local city council. Oops. It's been expunged from my record, so I can laugh about it now, but if my mom is reading this, she'll be happy to confirm that I'm still grounded. Anyway, I'm taking that whole scene as shout-out, and there weren't even any Rolling Stones puns in it.
Hospital. Uncle Junior is enjoying a nice lunch of red Jell-O and orange juice when Tony comes by to pay a visit. Mmm, Jell-O. Junior happily reports that Tommy Formicola was there earlier, and Tony is concerned because Tommy Formicola has been dead for years. "Not Tommy, you chedrool," replies Junior. "The son Tommy." Heh. Tony is relieved, and reminds Junior about how confused he was the day, and how he also flunked his "Holstein" test. "I'm glad you're feeling better," he adds. "This place is like Xanadu compared to that courtroom," says Junior. "I'm milking this thing for all it's worth." You can actually see the little gears turning in Tony's head for a moment, and then he replies, "Maybe you're not milking it enough," before reaching for the phone. Junior gripes about the exorbitant long distance charges, and that's before he even realizes that Tony is calling Ireland. Of course, considering that the whole point of the call in the first place was to afford Tony the opportunity to dramatically announce, "I think we got a mistrial," I'd say he's got every right to be upset.
In a yard we've never seen, two kids we've never seen are playing a game based on a book I've never read. The game apparently involves one kid shooting an arrow into the air while the other runs underneath it and tries catch it with a cardboard box. That may very well be the stupidest game I've ever seen, so it stands to reason that at least one of these of rug monkeys is related to Joey Pants. And look, there he is -- settling into The Bathtub Of Foreshadowing for a nice, relaxing afternoon of foot-scrubbing. Suddenly the maid begins frantically pounding on the door, which moves me to ask a very strange question: Am I the only person on the entire planet who hears "foot-scrubbing" and "Hispanic maids" and instantly thinks of the late-seventies classic Goldie Hawn/Chevy Chase vehicle Seems Like Old Times? I am, aren't I? It's a good movie, though. You should check it out. Anyway, Joey pulls on a robe and rushes out into the yard, where he finds his son lying bleeding on the ground with an arrow protruding from his shoulder. I told you it was a stupid game. After examining the boy for moment and noting the blood that is literally gushing from the wound, Joey dashes back inside to call for help. After the Julius Caesar opening, I'd be remiss if I didn't at least ask whether 'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or take arms against an annoying co-worker, and by opposing, end him.
Cut to the hospital, where Tony and Carmela arrive to find Joey slumped in the waiting room. He slowly explains that Justin (the son) was unable to breathe for more than five minutes, so it's possible that his brain was damaged. Then he glares over at the other kid, who's also waiting there with his parents. Tony reminds him that the whole thing was just an accident, but Joey doesn't seem convinced. Just then the surgeon walks in, speaking with what appears to be a random husband and wife. Joey runs over and says, "Please allow me to introduce myself," which will be important later. Then the "wife" bitterly performs the introduction for him, explaining that Joey is her ex-husband and Justin's biological father. All you people out there who were wondering how Joey managed to impregnate Tracee should take note. The ex-wife appears to be exactly the sort of person you'd expect to have been willing to marry Joey. In other words, she's a shrewish bitch. She immediately starts blaming Joey for everything, and things quickly escalate into a shoving match. It gets so bad that Tony has to intervene, and he ends up pinning Joey against the wall in a Chokehold Of Foreshadowing. Joey's anger quickly turns to tears, and he begins sobbing into Tony's chest.
In another wing of what I'm assuming is the same hospital, Uncle Junior is preparing to check out. As he dresses, Melvoin and Tony explain the new plan: Junior will pretend to be losing his sanity, and Tony will provide a nurse who will go along with the scheme. This means that the judge will have to rule him unfit to continue, and therefore dismiss all charges. "Crazy like a fox, my little nephew," smiles Junior, as he slaps on a jaunty beret. Bobby Bacala, meanwhile, is wholeheartedly impressed with the muffin basket Melvoin's firm sent over. "It's the least we could do," replies Mel sheepishly. Hey! Where's the hell is MY muffin basket? I certainly think I've earned one.
Back downstairs, Joey sits at the foot of his son's bed, staring intently at the kid's unconscious form. Surprisingly, it's Rosalie Aprile that walks in to see him , and Joey seems very pleased that she's there. He's also quite repentant for the way he treated her after the Little Lord's death. "I just didn't understand what you were going through," he whispers. "I was stupid. I'm sorry." He does not, however, confess that he was the one who ordered the hit. "Justin's going to be all right," she tells him, as she pats him on the shoulder. "You'll see. He's going to be fine."
"He's going to be a vegetable," she then tells Carmela, as the Ironic Segue Fairy takes us out for a light lunch at Vesuvio. Heh. I love gossip. It's fun! Rosalie also mentions that she suggested Joey visit Father Intintola, but doesn't think that he will. "There's another one who should talk to a priest," says Carmela, pointing to Artie. They watch him flirt shamelessly with Elodi as they gossip about his sleeping pill overdose, and then Carmela delivers a perfect faux-happy wave as the scene ends.
Junior's Joint. Bobby and Tony are coaching Uncle Joon on the best way to beat the government's psychological exams. The first question asks for today's date, and Junior answers with, "A blonde with big tits and a hatful of Viagra." If only that actually were my date for today. Oh, well. Tony chastises him for not taking the preparation seriously, and then fails to practice what he preaches by also suggesting that Junior wipe his ass with a copy of the test. Junior suddenly becomes angry, and morphs into Joe Pesci when he asks, "You think this is funny? I'm a source of amusement. I pretend to wipe my ass in front of people!" He seems more than a little worried that faking senility could somehow lead to actual senility, and he reminds us that his brother suffered from mental problems as well. "Suppose it doesn't work?" he wonders, before getting really worked up. "Suppose nothing works?" Just as he's contemplating spending his few remaining days in a maximum security prison, the doorbell rings. Janice answers it, and hey! It's Svetlana! Yay, Svetlana! "I've been wanting to talk to you," says Janice. "I should never have taken your prosthesis, but it did bring me to the Lord." "Eh, you are boring woman," mutters Svetlana as she pushes her way inside. Heh! Tony, at least, is as happy to see her as ever. Svetlana introduces the new nurse, who rushes over to help Junior to the bathroom, and then Tony notices Janice looking upset. "What's your problem, now?" he asks. "Like anyone would care," she cries, before stomping out like four-year-old. Hee! Who else wants to see Janice, Svetlana, and Bouncer Bob in a remake of Three's Company? Now THAT would be comedy gold.
Church. Joey Pants stands in Father Intintola's office, and opens the scene by saying, "Pleased to meet you." And since that's now our second official Stones reference, I guess this is where I explain (for the benefit of those of you who don't read the forums) that a significant portion of the dialogue from this episode is lifted from the Rolling Stones song "Sympathy for the Devil." It's a very clever way of illustrating one of David Chase's central tenets, which is that we should never root too strongly for characters who are, after all, really bad people. It's also possibly a shout-out, as I once revealed in a recap actually entitled "Sympathy for the Devil" that I personally consider Rolling Stones puns to be "the height of hilarity." Anyway, Joey takes a seat, and Father Tool Time tries gently to explain that God often works in mysterious ways. "Our Lord gave His only begotten son to suffer," he says, which prompts Joey to reply, "Nothing like this." Perhaps Joey is forgetting that crucifixion and death are at least marginally worse than a single puncture wound to the shoulder. "Were you there," wonders Father Rin Tin Tin, "when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and pain?" Bwa! They exchange looks, and then Paul Schulze gives a perfect little head-bob that acknowledges the joke without tipping the writers' hand. I know I give the character a lot of crap, but this guy always gives a good performance. And if that was a shout-out, it worked. That's probably the hardest I've ever laughed at this show. The good Father delivers some additional religio-babble about getting right with God, and then offers to pray with Joey. They join hands, and Tool Time delivers a prayer that may or may not be recognizable to people who aren't Jewish like myself.
And even though Joey refused an offer to give his confession in the scene, we now learn from Carmela that he's doing penance anyway. It's morning at Chez Soprano, and Tony is sitting across the kitchen counter from her in his robe (StR=1,103). It seems that not only has Joey endowed a scholarship at Rutgers in Jackie Jr.'s name, he's also asked Rosalie to marry him. "At least she had the presence of mind to say no," adds Carmela. Heh. I'm still stuck on the scholarship thing. Can you imagine telling all your friends, "Well, I was really worried about all my student loans, but then I got the Little Lord Fuckpants Fashion Design Scholarship. stop, Paris!" Since we've now gone at least three minutes without subtext, AJ comes wandering in to remind his parents how much they love their own children. They indulge his sullen complaints about being overfed at breakfast, and Tony even teases him a bit about his relationship with "Blondie." AJ is dating Debbie Harry? Now that would be cool. Tony playfully pokes the kid a few times, and then scoops him up in Chokehold Of Foreshadowing II: Oxygen Deprivation Bugaloo. He holds AJ in this position for a beat longer than is strictly necessary, and then plants a tender kiss on the back of his head. Carmela looks on approvingly.
Bing Backroom. Tony sits at his desk, and for the third scene in a row, he's eating something. Make of that what you will. Joey comes in, and gives us an update on Justin's condition. It's still too early to tell, but the injury seems to be localized to the area of the brain that affects speech. He also hands over an envelope with the cash from his collections in it, thus providing yet another reminder that, even when times are tough, he's still Tony's best earner. He's a sad, melancholy earner, however, and he quickly breaks down and begins confessing all sorts of awkward personal details, like the fact that he missed Justin's seventh birthday because he was high on coke. Soon he's sobbing so hard that you can actually see the snot dripping out of his nose, and Tony is moved to get up and sit down beside him. Unsure of how to handle the situation, Tony first tries patting him on the back, and then asks if Joey has health benefits through one of the unions on the Esplanade job. It's exactly the sort of question a concerned outsider might ask in a situation like this, but it also provides a nice echo to the insurance joke Joey pulled on Mama Walnuts just a few minutes earlier. Joey pulls himself together and explains that Justin is on his stepfather's insurance, but that he'll pay whatever else might be needed. And while we're talking about echoes, here's Tony with another: Just like Boon did a few weeks ago, Tony now has to explain about his relationship with Valentina. It's exceedingly difficult to read Joey's reaction to this news, as all he does is sigh and then get up to head back to the hospital. As he walks out the door, Tony suggests that he go visit Pie-O-My as a way to perk himself back up. Joey declines because he's too busy, but does ask Tony to pass along his gratitude to Carmela, who's "been a great help." "I have bad luck, huh?" he adds. "I had to get hooked up with that miserable twat. Maybe if I met a girl like Carmela, my life could have taken a whole different trajectory." Tony looks like he feels dirty at the mere thought of Joey and his wife being together, but Joey himself seems to be strangely at peace with where he finds himself in the world. Damn, that's some fine acting.
David Chase: You do realize we'll be going head-to-head for Best Drama this year, right?
Alan Ball: Bring it on, old-timer!
David Chase: Don't make me get out the belt.
Out in the front room, Joey runs into Silvio, Christopher, and Paulie on his way out. He hugs Chris and Silvio, and thanks them for the flowers they sent, but then pointedly ignores Paulie as he turns to leave. Tony soon takes his place, and immediately has to listen to Paulie begin bitching about Joey and his "alligator tears." Heh. Tony suggests having a little sympathy for the guy with the badly injured child, but Paulie couldn't care less. "You forget the thousand incidents with that guy?" he complains. "I know it was that miserable prick who called Ma at the home. They had to put her on Xanax just so she could sleep. She was in the hospital unit for an hour-and-a-half with nervous bowel syndrome!" Wow. I certainly hope she didn't get anything on her shoelaces. Tony tries to placate him, describing the prank call as "fucked up," but he also insists that no one knows for sure it was Joey who called. "If I get proof it was him, he's a fuckin' corpse," shouts Paulie, before adding that "there's a line in the sand" when it comes to mothers. Tony gets right up in Paulie's face and sprays The Spittle of Foreshadowing as he loudly insists that NO ONE will be killing Joey Pants. Then he calmly offers to go visit Mama Walnuts, and Paulie's face lights up with happiness. His grievances addressed, Paulie walks away, leaving Tony and Silvio to commiserate over the fact that Paulie has no children, and thus can't understand what it's like. Meanwhile, Christopher is standing two feet away, doubling our daily recommended allowance of subtext by reminding us of Adriana's troubled ovaries.
Junior's Joint. A middle-aged woman is administering Junior's psychiatric exam, and he's not doing very well. Or maybe he's doing extremely well, depending on how you look at it. He misses the first two questions, which involve word repetition and the Pledge of Allegiance, but then does manage to correctly identify the current president. Except the he forgets to include the "W" between "George" and "Bush," so I guess you could argue that he got that one wrong as well. "And who was the president before George Bush?" asks the examiner. "John Kennedy," replies Junior, with a giggle-inducing patriotic grin. "You know where I was when he was shot?" he adds. "I was getting a haircut." Bwa! Although, as a follicle-challenged individual myself, I guess I shouldn't laugh at the guy for being bald. After all, Junior, it was you and me.
In the interests of making this as complete an episode of The Sopranos as possible, director Timothy "White Shadow" Van Patten now cuts us to a wholly gratuitous shot of Valentina's naked ass, as she lies sprawled across a bed with Tony. Their slumber is interrupted by his cell phone; it's Lois calling with bad news. There was a fire at the stables, and even though Pie-O-My survived the initial blaze, she so was so badly injured that they had to put her down. Tony hangs up, and lets the news sink in as Valentina pulls on her underwear in the background.
Tony comes straight to the stables, where he and Lois share a wordless look as they stand in the ruins. "It just went up?" he asks. She reports that the fire marshal believes it was electrical in origin, because they found a burnt-out light bulb, and the hay would have served as a natural accelerant. Pie's body lies on the ground at Tony's feet, and he peeks under the blanket which covers her to see the extent of her injuries. Just as he does, we pull back to see that the corpse has been attached to The Backhoe Of Foreshadowing with The Chains Of Foreshadowing, and then Foreshadowing himself hops into the driver's seat to drag Pie's body away. Tony watches this stoically, and then glances contemplatively over at the charred light socket where the fire began. Meanwhile, the goat looks right into the camera, and reprises his ventriloquist act by bleating without moving his mouth.
Pants Manor. Tony has come over to deliver the bad news to Joey, who appears to be fairly shocked when he hears it. Joey invites him in for coffee, and they walk back into the kitchen, where we're informed that Justin is going to be mostly okay. Or he will be after the years of rehab and the learning to speak all over again, that is. Tony glosses right over this happy news to provide the somewhat unnecessary detail that Pie was still alive after the fire, but was burned so badly that she had to be put out of her misery. "What sick fuck would do something like that?" wonders Joey, who's busy at the stove making scrambled eggs. "Right," replies Tony. "What sick fuck?" That gets Joey's attention, and he looks up to see what Tony is talking about. "It's funny about God, and fate, and shit like that," continues Tony. "The horse gets better, we take out two hundred grand in insurance on the race coming up, and suddenly there's a fire." Joey insists that the fire must have been an accident, but Tony isn't buying it. He even asks if Joey has been talking to the arsonist they used to burn Vesuvio in the first season, but surprisingly does not mention the garbage truck fires Joey started himself in his Sopranos debut.
Joey finally snaps, and starts shouting to defend himself. In his view, the horse was sick all the time, and was only going to get worse, so the $200,000 payday is a "bolt from the blue." "Jesus Christ," spits Tony. "You did it. You cooked that horse alive." "No. I. Did. Not!" shouts Joey, "but so what? It's a fucking animal. It's a hundred grand apiece. My kid's in the fucking hospital. I don't hear you complaining when I bring you a nice fat envelope. You don't care where that comes from!" It's a good point, but it only makes Tony angrier. Joey, however, doesn't know when to quit. "What are you, a vegetarian?" he asks. "You eat beef and sausage by the fucking carload." Uh oh. That was not a smart thing to say. As always with Tony, meat is the final straw. He snarls and punches Joey right in the face, and we're off!
Round one of the fight goes to Tony, as the punch catches Joey off-guard. The little guy quickly retaliates, however, by grabbing the frying pan full of eggs and swinging for the fences. Incidentally, I knew this wasn't going to end well the moment he grabbed that pan. If there's one thing this show has made clear, it's that nobody hits a Soprano and survives. Joey obviously knows this as well, which is why he trades up from the frying pan to a butcher's knife. Tony pins his arm against the cabinets, however, and Joey is forced to scramble for another method of attack. He fumbles along the countertop, finally grabbing a can of Raid, which he sprays right into Tony's eyes. Ow. He then knees Tony in the crotch and tries to run for the back door. Tony dives on top of him, however, and starts bashing Joey's head into the tile floor. "She was a beautiful, innocent creature. What'd she ever do to you?" he yells as he wraps his hands around Joey's throat. Hmm. Is he talking about Pie, or Tracee? Joey's struggles slowly begin to cease, but Tony yells, "You fucking killed her," and continues to beat Joey's head against the floor. Finally, Joey lies still, and Tony stumbles off of him, grimacing at the pain in his eyes. He dashes to the sink to throw up, then splashes cold water against his face as he tries to catch his breath. Finally, after much swearing and grunting, he reaches for his cell phone.
David Chase: Ha! Take that! I'd like to thank the Academy, my mother…
Alan Ball: Oh, please.
David Chase: What? I just killed a major character, for Christ's sake!
Alan Ball: So? I do that every week. And besides, do you really think you're the first person to ever unexpectedly kill a bald guy? Hell, you're not even the first person to use an ambiguous arson.
David Chase: Yeah, well, I've still got the deeply philosophical portrayal of one man's battle with ennui in the face of absurdist violence.
Alan Ball: And I've got the deeply philosophical portrayal of talking dead people. Not to mention gay adoption, sex addiction, debilitating brain diseases, and post-traumatic stress syndrome. They're called "plots." You might want to look into them.
David Chase: I've got Gandolfini.
Alan Ball: I've got Hall AND Krause.
David Chase: I've got Janice and Joey.
Alan Ball: I've got Brenda and suburban Los Angeles.
David Chase: I've got heroin addicts! Emmy voters love struggling drug addicts!
Alan Ball: [pauses for bong hit] Yeah, so?
David Chase: I am gonna kick your ass.
Alan Ball: Yeah, right. You couldn't even kick David E. Kelley's ass.
Tony calls Christopher, who has just finished shooting up. "I need you call me back from a pay phone," Tony tells him. "You got three minutes." Chris puts down the phone, and then immediately keels over and falls asleep. Fade to black. And man, am I jealous. I could so use a nap right now.
We fade back up on Tony, who's wedged between the toilet and the shower in Joey's bathroom. His cell phone rings, and he chews Christopher out for being a half-hour late calling back. Chris's excuse? Adriana hid his keys. Uh, okay. Tony sends him to the store to buy surgical gloves and bleach, but hangs up before Chris can ask what's going on.
I should note here, by the way, that with only a single exception, the rest of the episode focuses only on these two. We never cut away until the very end, so if the paragraphs start getting a little weird, you'll know why. Anyway, Christopher has now arrived at Joey's house, and Tony leads him inside to see the body. "Hooo!" is about all Christopher can manage. "I found him like this," says Tony. Um, okay. "He was a piece of shit," he adds. "Whoever did this, it should have happened a long time ago." StTM = 2,355. And while Tony may be correct that Joey deserved everything that happened to him, you've still got to admit that the Pants family has certainly had a rough go of it on this show. Uh oh. I just realized I called Tony "Mr. Crankypants" last week. Man, that friggin' foreshadowing is even starting to infect me now. Tony further explains that they need to hide the body because of Uncle Junior's trial, and that they'll prep him there and then drive out after dark. Christopher is essentially mute at this point, and Tony finally catches on that he's high. "You promised me you wouldn't do that shit anymore!" he says. "I did-dint," replies Christopher. Heh. They sit down at the table and begin pulling on the surgical gloves, but Christopher is still having problems with the whole thing. "He was a captain, T. And our biggest earner." Tony doesn't want to hear it, and he orders Chris to go get a mop and start draining the body.
Cut to the upstairs, where Tony and Chris drag the body into a bathtub while Christopher confesses that he was, in fact, using heroin. Except he claims that he only snorted it, and that he was just trying to relax after a hard day of beating people and collecting their debts. Tony grabs some Visine out of the medicine cabinet, and Christopher pulls out a huge meat cleaver and gets ready to start dismembering the body. He goes to pull Joey's head up, and the toupee we've all come to know and hate comes right off in his hands. Hee! Christopher is freaked out, and Tony, who knew about it all along, teases him mercilessly. For the record, the toupee was not a shout-out. I prefer the natural look.
Now we get some shots of Tony cleaning up the kitchen, inter-cut with Christopher cutting off Joey's hands. Then suddenly they're both on the couch, watching an old Elizabeth Taylor movie that I'm sure provides an additional layer of meaning that I'm missing. Tony is eating again, and this time it's peanut butter right out of the jar. They discuss Chris's impending marriage and the prospect of his becoming a father, and then the phone rings. Joey's answering machine provides us with one final reminder of what an asshole he could be. "Leave a message," it says. "And make sure you leave a number. With my busy schedule, I cannot look up phone numbers." Of course, that's not necessarily surprising, since the suddenly ubiquitous Joey Pants has been interviewed just about everywhere in the past few days. Everywhere but here, that is. I guess he couldn't be bothered to look up my email address, like all of the other crazy freaks who think I'm the Aaron on The Bachelor have managed to do. Where's the love, Joey? Anyway, Christopher isn't even sure he wants to have kids, because you never know how things will turn out. "Those kids on milk cartons," he says. "Teenage girls, they run away, God knows what happens to them. Killed, I guess." You know, just like Tracee? Tony stands up when he hears this, to better underscore his subliminal motives for the killing, and declares that they'll move the body as soon as it's dark. Then he tries to embellish his "I found them like this" story with a few additional details, and Christopher plays along by pointing out that Paulie was out of town all day.
Later, Tony is putting together the finishing touches on Joey's burial shroud, which will apparently consist of some curtains (still on the rod), some chains (because of course Joey would have chains), and a bowling ball bag (because they need to set up a cute joke for later). He drags everything upstairs, where Christopher is waiting with the body. "I heard about your horse," he says to Tony, but when you consider that Tony himself found out only a few hours ago, I'm not sure how that's possible. It does, however, provide Christopher the opportunity to subtly hint that he knows why Tony might have killed Joey. In the single most disgusting shot of the entire series (and that includes Janice and Joey), Christopher reaches into the tub and pulls out Joey's severed head, which he drops into the bowling ball bag. Props to the, uh, prop department on that one, by the way. The likeness was incredible. Suddenly, we hear a thumping from downstairs, and both Tony and Christopher freak out. Then Tony realizes that it was only the bowling ball, and they share a tense laugh. Chris adds Joey's hands and toupee to the contents of the bag, and goes to retrieve the wayward ball.
More shots of Tony and Christopher cleaning up, and they're not doing a very good job. I could go all Sobell on your asses and explain why cleaning the blood won't help (because of the luminol), or why severing the hands and head is useless (perhaps you've heard of DNA?), but really, what's the point? That's not this show, and I'm pretty thankful for that. And besides, it's not like Christopher was this careful cleaning up after the cop in the season premiere, so why worry? David Chase must feel the same way, because now we're following Christopher's car as they drive up to a ravine. They climb out, and drag Joey's body to the edge of the cliff. Tony delivers his version of a Just Say No pep-talk as they prepare to toss the body into the river below. "You got your whole life ahead of you," he declares. "You want to throw it away on drugs?" And with that, they swing the body out into space, and we watch as it sinks slowly beneath the water.
Cut to an empty field somewhere, which apparently belongs to Mikey Palmice's father. Tony explains that Palmice Senior is in the hospital for prostate surgery, which somehow makes this the perfect place to bury Joey's head and hands. The only problem is that the ground is frozen solid. The boys wander around for a minute, with Christopher speculating about whether or not Artie is "banging that French broad." Then Tony spots a backhoe, and tells Chris to hot-wire it for him. Christopher is able to get the engine running, but he doesn't have much luck driving the thing. He's randomly pulling levers and punching buttons, as Tony stands off to the side becoming more and more frustrated. Finally, Tony orders him out of the cab, and climbs in himself. With a few motions he's got the thing running smoothly; with a cigar clenched firmly between his teeth, he drives it over to where they plan to bury the head.
The backhoe makes short work of the frozen ground, and they're able to quickly bury the bowling ball bag which contains Joey's extremities. As they try to conceal the hole by kicking leaves over it, Tony explains that he learned how to drive one of these things while hanging out at his grandfather's construction site. At first I thought that might have been the church he keeps taking his kids to, but I'm pretty sure that was the great-grandfather. In any case, they get the bag buried and leave.
Alan Ball: I know -- let's ask Aaron who should win. I mean, who else knows us better?
David Chase: Oh, I don't think so.
Alan Ball: Why not?
David Chase: Seriously? You named a Dead Guy Du Jour after him. I'll be forcing him to recap a seventy-five-minute season finale. Who do you think he's gonna pick?
Alan Ball: Oh, for the last goddamn time, that was a coincidence! And now that I know about it, I'm seriously considering pulling a Fairuza and changing the guy's name to Bob. Or Djb.
David Chase: Hey, if you pick me I'll bring back the narcoleptic doppelganger.
Aaron: Why? So Janice can kill him too?
Bada Bing. Tony and Christopher come stumbling in, looking completely exhausted. They share a drink, and Christopher tries to put things in perspective. "Here's the problem, as I see it," he says. "People could take it the wrong way." Tony wants to know what he means, and Christopher explains further: "Friends of ours, like it could happen to them. Without, you know, the protection of the boss." Tony realizes that this could be a bad thing, which is why he leans in real close and reminds Christopher that he's the only other one who knows about it. Now Christopher is nervous, especially after Tony looks back at him as if wondering whether he'll be able to keep the secret. "We were right to disappear him," agrees Christopher hastily. "For the business."
That seems to satisfy Tony, because now they head into the back to shower. Those of you who enjoy naked Christopher or naked Tony should be having a field day with this scene. Those of you who enjoy Kubrick films should also be having a field day with the sterile-white cinematography.
Cut to Tony, lying asleep on the couch. See? I told you. Christopher emerges from the shower in the background, and walks off without waking the boss.
And finally, after almost twenty minutes, we cut away from Christopher and Tony. Perhaps to symbolize the beginning of the post-Joey era, we see Junior emerging from his house to fetch the paper, just like Tony does as the start of each season. Of course, it's also possible that I'm stretching the potential symbolism a little too far there. If that's the case, well, just call me Lucifer, because I'm in need of some restraint. Suddenly, Junior turns and makes a beeline for the house door. He rings the bell, and a friendly young mother answers and greets him warmly. "Can I have some ice cream?" he asks, without even glancing at the FBI agents watching him from their car. Hee! The nurse comes outside now, and quickly leads Junior back home. He steps inside, but instead of laughing at the trick he just pulled on the Feds, he continues to look addled. Finally he stares off into space, leaving us to wonder if the senility is merely an act. Dun dun DUN!
And then it's back to Tony one last time, as he wakes up from his nap on the Bing's couch. He blinks his swollen eyes a few times and calls out to Christopher, who doesn't answer. He then staggers over to check his reflection in the mirror, where he spies a small photograph of Tracee that's been taped up amongst pictures of the girls. It's just one last reminder of why we shouldn't love Joey. Tony gathers himself, and starts walking towards the exit, yelling all the while for Christopher. He never gets an answer, and eventually he makes it to the front door, where he steps alone into the blinding white light of day.
Alan Ball: So what's it gonna be, buddy boy: Him or me?
Aaron: Um, can I sleep on it? I'll give you an answer in the morning.
David Chase: Nope. You gotta answer now. And remember, I know some very scary people.
Alan Ball: And I know Lauren Ambrose's home phone number.
Aaron: All right, all right. I choose…
Alan Ball & David Chase: Well!?
Aaron: I'm sorry. I just can't do this. "And the king said, bring me a sword…and divide the living child in two."
Alan Ball: Oy. Did he just quote the fucking Bible again?
David Chase: I think so.
Alan Ball: Yeah. That's it. Get out. Now.
And that's that, folks. No more Joey. He was rude, crude, misogynistic, masochistic, homophobic, funny, fascinating, irritating, an undeniable presence, and a stone-cold killer. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, we all loved him anyway. Farewell, Josephus Pantus. For what still puzzles us is the nature of your game.