Remember how Tony dropped his gun in a field while fleeing from the Feds when Johnny Sack got taken in? Well, the writers do, and it all comes back to haunt Tony after a teenager finds the gun. The teen is arrested two years later, and identifies Tony as the gun's owner. Tony's family wakes up to the county sheriff and his posse pounding on the front door, and Tony is taken into custody. The case goes to court and Tony makes bail, but later the county DA drops the charges, and Tony thinks he's gotten off scot-free. Until the Feds announce that they have taken over the case, although Tony's lawyer thinks that the Feds don't have enough for a RICO charge. Yet. Tony and Carmela go to Bobby and Janice's lake house to celebrate Tony's birthday. Janice does very little parenting and a lot of philosophizing about the damage Livia did to her children. Tony even talks to Bobby about being in line for boss. The long-simmering rage between Tony and Janice explodes during a drunken Monopoly game when Tony can't stop taking potshots at his sister and Bobby defends his wife's honor. Tony and Bobby fight; Tony goes down hard, and then spends the rest of his vacation bitching that the fight wasn't really fair. Tony and Bobby go to visit some Canadians who can get them a deal on prescription pills, and in order to cement the relationship, Tony agrees to whack someone for the Canadians. He forces gentle Bobby do it, and it's apparently Bobby's first whacking, so he's understandably disturbed by the act. Vengeance is Tony's. In other news, Meadow is living at home and planning to be a pediatrician, and Finn is nowhere in sight. AJ is working at a pizzeria and practically shacking up with Blanca and her son. Johnny Sack is still in prison. Christopher makes a brief appearance, so he's still alive, at least. Phil Leotardo is fully recovered from his heart attack and seems intent on keeping the peace with Tony, for now.
Ah, 2004. Remember when Britney Spears had just become engaged to some punk named Kevin Federline, who left his pregnant girlfriend to be with Britney? Who would have ever imagined that somehow Federline would come off as the decent, stable person in that relationship? And remember when Nick and Jessica were still married and making horrible variety shows? Were we ever so innocent?
Anyway, in 2004 in the world of The Sopranos, Tony was talking to Johnny Sack about making peace with Phil Leotardo, when suddenly some Feds popped up out of nowhere and took Johnny to prison. Tony took off through the snow, and dropped his gun in the process. What we didn't see during that incident was that a teenaged neighbor boy was watching the whole thing out the window, and was especially interested in the part where Tony tossed his gun into the snow. Later that night, we watch the kid head into the woods with a flashlight and recover the gun. He shoots once into the ground, and gets this look on his face like, "Aaaaaawesome!" before running back into the house. I would like to believe that the neighborhood in which Johnny and Ginny lived was one where a gunshot would result in some calls to the cops. Then I remembered that Johnny Sack lived there, and the neighbors probably knew better than to call Johnny Law on Johnny Sack.
Now it's 2007, and we get the traditional opening shot of the paper being tossed onto the end of Tony's driveway. As Tony's bedside clock turns to 6:00 AM, Carmela is awakened by someone pounding on the front door and ringing the bell. She tries to wake Tony, who does not so much want to be awake. Carmela is confused at first, but then realization dawns on her face and she appears frightened as she asks, "Is this it?" Imagine every time someone came to the door, having to ask yourself is this was the moment when your husband would be taken into federal custody. That would kind of suck. Although clearly the prospect doesn't frighten Carmela enough to give up the house and the cars and the pool and the manicures. Tony slides out of bed and peeks out the window. He sees a bunch of cops surrounding the pool, and he and Carmela share a wary look. Shouldn't they start hiding the guns in the ceiling? Tony and Carmela pull on their robes and hustle out into the hallway. Meadow, who's apparently living at home again, asks what's going on, and Carmela tells her tightly to go back to sleep. Meadow, of course, doesn't listen.
Tony opens the door, and a guy in a jacket that reads "Sheriff" (not FBI) identifies himself and says that he has a warrant for Tony's arrest. The Sheriff tries to act all big, but Tony is not the least bit intimidated. The Sheriff lets it drop that the arrest is over "an illegal firearm containing hollow-point ammunition." Tony's like, "The hell?" and realizes that this is small-time, since the Feds aren't involved. The Sheriff cuffs Tony while Meadow snots, "Can I see a warrant? We have the right." I mean, she's right, but she's still a snot. As Tony gets cuffed, he shoots the Sheriff the bird and is practically giggling to himself with relief that this isn't "it," as Carmela called it moments ago. As they all walk down the driveway, we see that there are, like, ten cop cars surrounding the foot of the Soprano driveway. Carmela asks their doctor, who happens to be out walking his dog and gawking at the spectacle, to tell the cops that Tony has "a medical condition." No one pays Carm any mind as Tony is loaded into the back of the cop car and taken away.
Later, AJ and his fancy new Backstreet Boy facial hair are taking a nap in the back seat of Carmela's car while Meadow drives and Carmela rides shotgun. Carm gets a call from Janice, who is at some sort of lake house with Bobby and Nica and their nanny. Janice wants to know if Carmela and Tony are coming up to the house for Tony's birthday. Carm drops the bomb that Tony was arrested this morning on a weapons charge. Janice is not disturbed, or at least acts that way, and assures Carmela that Tony will still make bail. Carmela tries to get out of going to Janice and Bobby's camp by saying that Tony's not wild about the drive. So getting arrested is not a valid reason for ducking out on family time in the Soprano clan, but a long drive is good enough? Noted. Janice earnestly says, "Well, let him know we're with him." Puke. I love Janice as a character, but I would hate her as a person. Janice hangs up and yells at Bobby, who's trying to take a nap on the couch, to get rid of any hollow-point bullets he may have around the house.
Back in the car, Carmela bitches at AJ about the clothes he grabbed for Tony to wear to his bail hearing, because they have tomato sauce all over them. She reminds him that she wanted the brown suit from the dry cleaning bag. AJ makes the excuse that the light didn't go on in Carmela's closet. So he grabbed dirty clothes? That is the worst excuse ever. Meadow dramatically wonders, "That show of force. Was that all about humiliating Dad?" Is Jamie-Lynn Sigler DiScala Sigler getting worse as an actress, or is Meadow getting more annoying? It's hard to say.
Tony, wearing his suit now, is let into a jail cell to await his hearing. As he sits on a bench, behind him some dude drops trou and pops a squat over the toilet to pinch a loaf. Nice. Imagine that audition? "Now we need you to shuffle around like a crackhead and then mime taking a shit in a crowded jail cell. Thanks. We'll be in touch."
Courtroom. Tony's lawyer backstories that a kid was pulled over, and the cops found a gun as well as cocaine residue on a baggie in the car, so the kid claimed that Tony dropped the gun over two years earlier. I'm wondering what the point of this whole storyline is -- the sins of the past return to haunt you? Nothing stays buried forever? Don't drop your gun in a residential neighborhood? We shall see.
Phil's crew is having a welcome home party, presumably because Phil has returned to work after his heart attack. I can't keep the guys in Phil's crew straight yet, so I kind of hope none of them becomes important to the storyline. It helps a little that half of the Lupertazzi family got whacked last season, but that means the only ones left that I know are Phil, the Hairdo, and the fat guy who I think is named Butch. Anyway, Phil is cranky and complaining about his rehabilitation and how much it sucks, but the guys toast his return anyway. Phil glances over and sees a framed photo of Johnny Sack smiling down at them. He's interrupted from his reverie by some guy named Doc walking up and singing a verse of "The Girl From Ipanema." Phil's crew looks disgusted with Doc, and they reiterate that they're glad Phil's back. Phil says that he's going to enjoy his grandchildren and his home, which is pretty much what Tony told him to do when he visited in the hospital, so I guess Phil is still receptive to a peace plan between the families. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. Phil also fondly pats the Hairdo on the shoulder. Doc Ipanema gossips about Tony's weapons charge, and everyone is astounded that Tony's being prosecuted now for something that happened two years earlier. One of the guys makes a bad joke about Tony dropping the gun in a field while he was "going down on some sheep or some shit," and crickets chirp as no one reacts.
On the television, the Essex County DA is holding a press conference to boast that Tony will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I wonder if that's supposed to be a commentary on how stupid the prosecutor is, or how much the Family's power has been weakened over the years. It seems like a prosecutor making such claims years ago would have been taking his life in his hands. Meanwhile, in the Soprano home, AJ is too busy playing with his girlfriend's kid to notice what's playing on screen. Meadow and Carmela both look annoyed or slightly disturbed by the fact that AJ is still with the single mom and her kid. Hey, I think it's a step up for AJ! This may be the longest he's ever stuck with something without quitting, and it can't have been easy. Although I'm sure he gets some enjoyment from how much it bothers his family. And also, the regular sex. And the chance to demonstrate how he can be a better father than Tony was. But probably mostly the regular sex. Carmela screeches at AJ to turn the television off as Blanca helps her to put food out.
Tony walks in the front door with Paulie and Ray "the Rat" Curto. Meadow runs over and hugs her father like he's been gone for three weeks instead of a day and a half or whatever. Carmela also greets him warmly. Blanca bleats, "They let him out already?" Carmela and Tony give her a sharp look, and AJ, holding the baby, says, "What she means is, in our neighborhood, people don't get out right away." Oh, Jesus. How did Tony and Carmela manage to raise two such self-centered douchebags? "Our neighborhood." Like AJ lives in the barrio. Tony, amused, looks like he's contemplating a few retorts, but instead asks where Christopher is. No one knows. Carmela passes the phone to Tony, explaining that it's Bobby, who offers to come down to Jersey. Tony tells him it's not necessary, so Bobby starts nagging Tony about coming up to the lake house for the week. Tony isn't sure he wants to go, and Bobby reminds him that they have a meeting with some Canadians, and adds that Tony needs a break after the arrest. Tony watches his only son, holding onto a little brown kid who is sucking on a pacifier (I'm interpreting how I think Tony sees it), and tells Bobby that a break might not be such a bad idea.
A Federal Attorney walks into the Essex County DA's office. The Fed is flanked by two other attorneys who look young and buff, like bodyguards or wingmen or something. The Fed asks if the prosecutor can really be unaware that they've been building a federal racketeering case against Tony Soprano for five years, and now the prosecutor has blown it on some rinky-dink weapons charge. Or as the Fed calls it, "this popcorn fart." So, I guess the Feds are going to take over this case?
Tony and Carmela drive upstate to the dulcet tones of the James Gang. Carmela rifles through her bag and bitches that she only has one bar on her cell phone; she's worried that her broker might call, so I guess the spec house deal is still happening. One of the things I love about this show is that, on most other shows, they would have staged a conversation where someone asked Carmela, "What's this I hear about you trying to sell a house?" and then Carmela would recap everything from the first half of the season as well as what's happened since. But this show just drops a line about her worrying about missing a call from her broker and leaves the audience to fill in the blank. Tony's phone rings and he snarks, "Well, mine works." He picks up, and his lawyer informs him that Essex County has dropped the charges: "I told you it was a piece-of-shit case." Tony grins and passes the news on to Carm before thanking his lawyer and hanging up. Carmela is happy that the pending case won't ruin Tony's birthday celebration. I'm sure there will be many other things that could ruin Tony's birthday; first on that list would be Janice. Second would be Janice. Third? Probably something Janice-related. Tony pretends he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday, and Carmela calls him on the fact that he would also get upset if no one made a big deal out of it.
Tony and Carmela arrive at Bobby and Janice's lake house in some unspecified Adirondack location. It's beautiful. Carmela runs inside to pee. Tony giggles at the sight of Bobby in a tank top and shorts, and then takes in the view of the lake, admitting that it's pretty great. I was going to try to make a pithy comment about still waters running deep, but I think Tony or Bobby's waters are actually quite shallow.
Inside the house, Carmela happily greets little Nica, and also manages to say hello to Mercedes, the nanny. Tony comes in and also seems genuinely pleased to see Nica, a nice contrast between how he treated AJ's erstwhile stepson. Janice offers refreshments, and Carmela asks for a Pellegrino water. Janice goes into the kitchen and pours a Shoprite sparkling water, which is such a perfect Janice moment, how she agreed to get Carm a fancy bottled water and then just substituted something lesser while pretending it was the same. Tony busts Bobby's balls about his lawn care regimen, and Janice snarks that Bobby has enough lawn care duties at their new house (the former Sacrimoni home), especially since Tony let the gardener go. Janice and Tony do that thing where they smile but you can tell they are deadly serious about what they are saying, which I guess you might call passive-aggressive, but I don't feel like "passive" really does justice to the underlying anger. Janice claims that she and Bobby are really grateful for Tony's help, and Bobby tries to change the subject by offering Tony a beer. I'm sure adding alcohol to all this simmering rage is a great idea.
Bobby and Tony are out in the woods, and Tony is taking out dangerous trees with an automatic weapon. A loud one. Tony grins like a kid in a candy store (or a mobster in a gun store) as Bobby gives him the spec on the weapon, and then admits that he doesn't even use a gun for hunting deer anymore; he prefers to use a bow and arrow because "it levels the playing field." Bobby gives Tony the weapon as a birthday gift. Tony reminds Bobby not to tell Carmela about the gun. Is it really the best idea for Tony to be adding new weapons to his cache, given that he just barely escaped a weapons charge? Tony destroys the silence with some more rounds as Bobby swigs his beer.
Twilight at the lake. The Sopranos and the Baccalas sit on the dock and enjoy the view. Carmela reminisces about how she and Tony almost bought "a summer place, down the shore." I'm surprised Carmela would remember that so fondly given that their decision not to buy the house was followed closely by the most brutal argument between them we've ever seen. Bobby starts giving the genealogy of his vacation home, which was apparently passed down to him from his father, who had business connections in Montreal. Bobby adds that his grandfather emigrated to the United States through Canada in the first place. Carmela is surprised that Gramps Bacala didn't come through Ellis Island, and Bobby says that his grandfather was in some legal trouble in Italy. Big surprise. After discussing how none of them would be there enjoying that lake house without the United States's permissive immigration policies, Bobby adds, "They should build a wall now, though." Everyone agrees without a trace of irony.
Nica, who is busy playing with the nanny, calls out to Janice, who waves to her. I was going to make some crack about how Janice lets the nanny parent her child, but then I remembered who Janice is, and realized that Nica is probably better off with Mercedes. Carm asks about Bobby's kids, who are at camp or something. Janice smiles that she's lucky to be back with her family after all these years: "Look at you and me, Tony. Who would've thought we'd have the kind of relationship we have now. The credit goes to you. You really changed." The crazy thing is that Janice clearly thinks that's a compliment. Tony chuckles, but there's still that underlying anger as he asks Janice why he's the one who had to change. Janice tries to explain that Tony is different since the shooting and the coma, and Carmela agrees, and then points out that the fish are jumping. Everyone basks in the peaceful scene except Tony, who stews for a moment before spitting, "I'm different, how? How am I different?" No one answers, so Tony glances over at Nica playing nearby and thinks of another way to get under Janice's skin. He urges Carmela to tell everyone about a story she heard. Carmela resists for a moment, but can't refuse the opportunity to share a juicy/morbid story, so she explains that their pharmacist was at a pool party where a three-year-old drowned, even though there were people all around. Is their pharmacist named Tommy Lee? (I realize I am probably the only one who remembers the incident where someone drowned in his pool and thus the only one who gets that reference.) Anyway, the (fictional) drowned kid is now brain-dead and in a wheelchair. Way to lighten the mood, Sopranos. Remind me to invite you to my cocktail party with your delightful anecdotes. Or should that be anec-don'ts.
The morning, Tony appears to be having a heart attack in bed. Except then he starts laughing, and Carmela's head pops up and it's clear that he was getting a birthday blowjob. I'm not sure what the point of that scene was except as (a) a fake-out heart attack, and (b) a sign that Tony and Carm are doing it again, and possibly (c) that Carm is a good wife. At least the director resisted having Carmela wipe off her mouth or something.
Tony and Bobby go out in Bobby's boat. I don't know anything about boats, but this one looks to be an antique, yet it still goes plenty fast. I don't know what time of year it's supposed to be, but presumably it's summer, and yet there are no other boats on the lake. Interesting.
Meanwhile, Carmela is on the phone with AJ, who is staying at his parents' house while they're gone. She gives him lots of reminders on how to care for the house, and I seriously think she would have been better off hiring a housesitter. AJ is lying in his parents' bed, and Blanca pops into the room wearing a towel, so AJ pretends for his mother's sake that he's at work at the pizzeria. I see AJ has moved up in the world. His career has really taken off. The doorbell rings, so AJ and Blanca head downstairs to let in all their friends. Oh, this won't end well.
Carmela and Janice clean up the lunch dishes, and they have an exchange that so perfectly encapsulates Janice's attitude that I have to reproduce it here. Carmela: "Did Tony seem to hit the hooch a little at lunch today? I think he's feeling his age." Janice: "What do you think it's like for me?" WHUH? How did Carmela's statement have anything at all to do with Janice? And yet Janice made it all about her as usual. Love it. Janice adds that Tony used to do whatever she told him to, and even admits that she once got Tony to eat one of their dog's treats by telling him it was a cookie. Janice says that her therapist thinks Livia used to pit her children against each other, and Janice assumes that it was to toughen them up. Like for cooking and eating? Janice thinks Carmela is good with AJ, but Carmela is doubtful, adding that she wishes he would go back to college. Janice brings up Livia again, saying that her therapist feels that Livia rejected her children when they became old enough to have independent thoughts and feelings. That is so fucked up. Based on her expression, Carmela clearly agrees, especially after Janice says that she knows her mother loved them. What evidence does Janice have for that assertion, I wonder? God, I would love a prequel movie featuring Johnny and Livia. The few glimpses we've seen of them in flashback have been fascinating. To cap off this enlightening conversation, Janice and Carmela decide to drink some booze.
Meanwhile, Bobby and Tony are still out on the boat, although they're just floating now. Tony explains that Bobby has been a good earner in addition to being Tony's brother-in-law, and it makes Tony think that Bobby might be ready for more responsibility should something happen to Tony. Bobby tries to pooh-pooh any suggestions that Tony is near death, perhaps forgetting that most people in their line of business don't die from old age. Tony voices a similar opinion, but decides, "No risk, no reward."
Meanwhile, Carmela and Janice are napping on chairs. Well, Janice is napping, and Carmela is just enjoying the lack of Janice yapping.
Back in the boat, Tony and Bobby are still philosophizing that people in their business tend to end up dead at an early age. Tony reveals that Bobby has never whacked anyone, despite the fact that Bobby's dad was "the fucking Terminator." Bobby thinks it was kind of a good thing, especially now that they have "the DNA evidence." Bobby's dad sometimes wished he could have just worked his real job as a barber, and that he didn't want Bobby to end up in the life. Foreshadowing of what Tony wants for AJ? I feel like AJ's story is going to be important in the remaining episodes, but I've been wrong many, many times before. Tony says that he's been grooming someone to take over should something happen to him, but now he and this person have "divergent agendas," so he thinks Bobby should take over. Is he talking about Christopher, and how Chris is all Hollywood now? Or Paulie? Anyway, Tony wants Bobby to handle a contract for putting windows in schools, and then they'll see what happens long-term.
That night at dinner, everyone sings "Happy Birthday" to Tony, and he blows out the candles on his cake. Janice hands Tony his gift, and Tony digs up what is apparently an old Johnny Soprano line about how he doesn't want any presents, "just a few kind words." Everyone kind of groans over the old saying while Tony opens his gift. Janice had their old home movies transferred to DVD. Given what we know about their childhood, I'm guessing it's a horror flick. Or at the very least, a psychological thriller. Tony seems underwhelmed by the gift, but he manages to tell Janice that it was very thoughtful. Carmela sneaks off to get her gift (which I thought she already gave Tony in bed earlier -- ho!). It's a set of golf clubs, and I'm wondering how she snuck that up in the car. Or maybe Janice picked them up for her, or she had them shipped or...oh, no one cares. Tony actually seems to appreciate the gift, and he and Carm share a warm moment. Of course, they're drunk. Bobby offers up a toast, and Tony interrupts it to say, "To my health, to being in this beautiful spot, people that I love...I couldn't ask for more." Everyone toasts.
And now for my favorite part of the episode. Janice is rocking out to some karaoke, singing "Out Of Time" by the Rolling Stones. It's appropriate because of her tattoo, but also because the song features the singer telling someone that he or she is obsolete now. Janice talking to Tony? Or Bobby? The best part is a drunk Carmela swaying to the music nearby. Then there's a jump cut to Carmela squalling "Love Hurts" by Nazareth. I don't think I need to theorize on the meaning of that one. Although we don't see Carmela's face while she sings and I wondered if James Gandolfini's laughter was real, because I know I was cracking up.
Some time (and many bottles of liquor) later, the two couples are playing Monopoly. That game is way too complicated for drunken people. I can barely handle Go Fish after a few beers. Tony gets a card telling him to pay $100, and he tosses a bill in the middle of the board. Bobby is all confused, and Carmela explains that they play by the rules where all Community Chest and Chance fees go into the middle, and then when someone lands on Free Parking, that person gets all the money. I play by those rules, too. Bobby is upset that the Sopranos just make up their own rules instead of playing by the predetermined written rulebook. Gee, do you think there's a metaphor there? Tony, Janice, and Carmela don't see what the problem is. My favorite line is when Bobby says, "You know, the Parker Brothers took the time to think this all out. I think we should respect that." Janice: "Fuck the Parker Brothers. Just play the game." Bobby proposes to smooth over the situation with more booze.
Later, the game is still going, and everyone is more drunk. Janice busts Tony stealing money from the bank. Oh, my brother ALWAYS used to steal money from the bank. So annoying! ["Seriously, cheating is the only way to win at Monopoly. That shit is ENDLESS." -- Wing Chun] Bobby's still bitching about the Free Parking rule, and Tony mocks him. Carmela rubs her neck like it's sore, which didn't seem important at the time, but might later. Nica runs into the room giggling, and the nanny explains that Nica wanted to say good night. Janice offers Nica candy to go to bed, which seems like a bad idea on many levels, which Bobby points out. Janice doesn't understand the difference between a bribe and positive reinforcement. One happens before the act and one happens after? Hey, I'm not a parent, but I do have a dog, and positive reinforcement works pretty well on him, although bribes don't. Tony thinks it looked like a bribe, and Janice tells him, "You know what, Uncle Tony? Butt the fuck out." After Nica and the nanny leave, Tony suggests that he could videotape Janice and submit it to a parenting magazine, much as Janice taped Tony and Barb fighting when they were kids, and then used it to blackmail them for a month. Janice denies it, and Carmela spills the beans that Janice fed Tony a dog treat. Tony starts getting mad, so Janice has to push it by telling a story about their parents. Tony orders her to shut it, but Carmela urges Janice to tell the story. Janice explains that their parents were driving home from a night out with Uncle Jun and his goomar, Rosemary. Apparently, Rosemary was nagging and yapping away, so Johnny shot a bullet "right through [Rosemary's] beehive hairdo." Carmela guffaws, Bobby chuckles, and Tony gets pissed off, "because it makes [them] look like a fucking dysfunctional family." That's what he thinks makes them look dysfunctional? Okay, then. Tony orders Carm, who is rubbing her shoulder again, not to tell their kids. Carmela asks if Rosemary had powder burns in her hair, and Janice says that she had a bob the day.
They get back to the game, at Tony's request. Janice lands on Boardwalk, and Tony mutters, "You blew guys under it." Bobby glares at Tony. Janice rolls again and gets a card that says, "Second prize in a beauty contest. Collect ten dollars." She waits for Tony's comment, but he claims he has nothing to say. Bobby decides to buy a railroad (of course he does), and Tony mutters, "A German Shepherd's shaved asshole won first prize." Bobby takes offense, since Tony's talking about his wife, and complains that the Soprano family always takes things too far. Janice doesn't think it's a big deal, but Tony apologizes, seemingly sincere. Moments later, Tony starts singing "Under the Boardwalk" with his own special lyrics including, "Under the boardwalk, with his schlong in Jan's mouth."
That's too much for Bobby, who totally sucker-punches Tony in the face. This leads to a fistfight/wrestling match between the men, who resemble two bears just out of hibernation fighting over the last fish in the stream. Janice and Carmela both screech ineffectively at them to stop. At one point, Tony starts choking Bobby, which reminds me of how he killed Joey Pants. Carmela runs up and hops on Tony's back, but Tony shoves her away, and she falls back and bashes her shoulder on the coffee table. Bobby takes advantage of Tony's distraction to head-butt Tony, who falls to the ground, unable to get up. Bobby seems to realize what he's done, and stumbles outside. Nica starts screaming, and Janice notices Mercedes standing on the stairs looking frightened, so she screams at the nanny to put Nica to bed. Um, I bet she already had, before those two elephants started lumbering around the living room. Janice chases after Bobby, screeching that he's in no condition to drive. Proving her point, Bobby hops in his SUV and promptly backs straight into a tree. He gets out and looks around, realizing that there's nowhere to hide.
Inside, Carmela helps a bruised and bloody Tony to his feet. He asks if she's okay, and she says that her shoulder is killing her. Note that she's been rubbing her neck and shoulder all night, though. Bobby and Janice appears in the doorway, and Bobby tries to apologize. Janice tells him to shut up, and Carmela suggests that everyone just go to bed. She uses one finger to flick away the Monopoly hotel that has been stuck to Tony's cheek this whole time, and the camera closes in on the bloody plastic hotel lying on the floor.
Carmela helps Tony flop into bed, and leaves to get ice.
Meanwhile, Janice is haranguing Bobby for his actions, reminding him that Tony is the boss and that Bobby shouldn't have made him look weak.
Back in the Soprano bedroom, Carmela can't get the bag of ice to stay on Tony's eye, so she gives up. She notices that he's taking up the whole bed and has already passed out, so he's not moving any time soon. With a put-upon sigh, she heads into the bedroom door and falls, face down and fully clothed, onto an unmade bottom bunk bed.
Tony wakes up coughing at 4:04 AM. I think Tony has sleep apnea. He should look into getting that treated. Anyway, he gets up, and I really believe that he's going to go kill someone. Probably Bobby, but I had my concerns about Janice as well. Tony glances at Carmela sleeping, and then opens the door to Bobby and Janice's bedroom and walks in. Bobby and Janice both wake up with a start (wouldn't you?), and Janice asks what he's doing in their room. Tony's undershirt has a lot less blood on it now, somehow. Tony, still kind of drunk, shakes his finger at Bobby and says, "You beat me fair and square." Bobby wants to drop it, but Tony turns and staggers out.
The morning, Tony wakes up when he hears bottles clinking outside his window. James Gandolfini makes the most exquisite hangover face ever. Tony peeks out the window and sees Bobby dumping all the empties. Carmela walks in with some water and aspirin for Tony. He asks about her shoulder, but she is in NO MOOD. Tony tries to joke her out of it, even suggesting that she shouldn't have let him drink so much. Carmela bitches that he is blaming her, and orders him to get ready to leave.
All cleaned up, the Sopranos walk out onto the patio, where Janice and Bobby have a big breakfast prepared. Carmela says she thinks it would be better if they left. Janice pretends she can't understand why they would. Bobby says that the whole thing is already forgotten, and reminds Tony that they have "that meeting with the Canucks." Tony softens, and Carmela accepts a drink from Bobby.
Tony sits on the dock alone, staring out at the water. You can tell he's working something through in his head, at least until he's distracted by the bell on Bobby's boat ringing as the waves knock it into the dock. For whom the bell tolls? As Tony mulls over his life, a duck flies away.
Inside the house, Bobby plays with the radio until he finds the news, where the war in Iraq is being discussed. Janice stares at Tony and bitches, "Fucking look at him out there. I've seen that sitting-in-the-chair thing." Talk about a loose interpretation -- as Bobby points out, "What? People sit in chairs."
Meanwhile, Tony continues to stew about something. Carmela walks up and reports that her potential buyers fell through, and that Meadow is staying in to study for her career as a pediatrician. So she's going with medical school instead of law school? Tony non sequiturs that the only reason Bobby beat him was because of a throw rug. Carmela is disgusted that Tony is still going on about this, and Tony claims that the first time he saw Carmela was while he was in a fight, and that he could tell she was "blown away." Carmela bleats that she was in high school at the time, and that watching two middle-aged relatives fight was hardly a turn-on. She adds that Tony had it coming, and that he gets it away with murder because he's the boss. I don't think she meant that literally, but if the whacking fits. Tony complains that he had to give up his friendship with Johnny Sack to get Bobby and Janice their house. Yeah, what a sacrifice. Carmela accuses both Tony and Janice of being "emotionally blocked." Tony doesn't think his body will ever recover from the shooting, and Carmela groans and walks away. Tony's phone rings, and it's Christopher, wishing him a belated happy birthday. Tony just hangs up on him! At first, I thought Tony was just annoyed about being reminded of his birthday, but now I'm wondering what's going on with Christopher. He wasn't at the house when Tony got out of jail, and now he forgot Tony's birthday? So maybe it was Christopher Tony was talking about in the boat earlier, the one who disappointed him.
Tony takes his new golf clubs out to his vehicle, and hears Nica and her nanny singing a song about ducks. Lots of callbacks in this episode to earlier seasons.
The two couples eat lunch by the water. Everyone tries to make small talk, at least until Tony interrupts to tell Bobby that, if their fight had happened before his injury, things would have been different. Bobby allows that Tony was at a disadvantage. Tony claims it was a sucker-punch, and then tells Bobby to forget about it, because he has. Oh, he sure has.
A while later, Tony tells Bobby that it's time to go play golf. Carmela and Janice both look worried. As they drive off to meet the Canadians, Bobby looks nervous, but claims that he has to pee. Tony pulls off into the woods, and I totally thought this was the end of Mr. Bacala.
Carmela and Nica play in the shallow water as Mercedes watches from the shore. Janice stomps up and yells at Mercedes for letting Nica go in the water without informing her first. Mercedes and Carmela both explain that Carmela was right there, but Janice isn't having it. She orders Nica out of the water, and Nica resists. Now that her baby has an independent thought, and her own will, Janice can't handle it and snatches Nica out of the water, and hands her to Mercedes to put to bed. Yeah, Janice is nothing like her mother. I don't know that I've ever seen anyone so into therapy and yet so not self-aware as Janice. And Tony. Once Nica is gone, Janice claims that the child has never spoken that way to her before, and that she thinks Bobby Jr. is a bad influence. Yeah, he's the one.
Carmela starts rubbing her shoulder again. Janice apologizes for being hyper, and blames it on her estrogen pills. Carmela blames their hangovers. They both sit down, the tension broken momentarily as they chuckle about the story Janice told about Uncle Jun's goomar and the beehive hairdo. Carmela calls the story "worth the price of admission." Janice checks her watch, clearly worried about her husband. She sighs a few times and then says that she once had a boyfriend who hit her, and that she "completely exploded." If by boyfriend, you mean Richie Aprile and by "exploded," you mean "shot him to death." Janice thinks she's more like her dad, and Tony's not, although she admits that Tony has a temper too. Janice goes back to talking about Richie, and how he "went his separate way." Yeah, his right arm went one way and, thanks to Christopher and Furio, his left went another. Janice doesn't know that Carm knows Richie's ultimate fate, though. Janice keeps babbling about her family, and Carmela finally calls her on her "verbal diarrhea" and asks what Janice wants to say about Tony. Janice plays innocent, and Carm claims that Tony has never raised his hand to the children or her. Well, that's not exactly true. Carmela admits that Tony slapped AJ once and felt horrible about it for days. Janice is silent, so Carmela presses on in defending her man, claiming that Bobby took advantage of a drunken Tony, and that there was no excuse for it. Carmela stands and delivers the least truthful line of that whole diatribe: "Tony is not a vindictive man." Janice looks out at the water, worried.
Tony and Bobby meet with two French-Canadian gentlemen in a bar. They want to sell the Americans some expired osteoporosis medication. Bobby tries to negotiate, and one of the Canadians says that his sister is having a problem with her ex-husband and a custody dispute. He would love for the ex-husband to be gone. Tony promises that they can make the problem go away for a lowered price on the pills. He also promises that the killer will be "somebody reliable." When the Canadians walk away to talk it over, Tony asks Bobby if he'll take care of it. Well, he doesn't really ask him. You know how Tony is. Not vindictive, though! Bobby knows he's fucked, so he agrees, but he kind of looks like he wants to throw up.
On the way home, Bobby is still looking sick while Tony is joyously honking his horn at a girl waterskiing in a bikini. They pull up at the house, and Janice rushes out to hug her husband, Carmela close behind. Tony claims that he won the golf game, and suggests that he and Carmela take off. As they walk off to get their things, Janice congratulates Bobby on letting Tony win at golf. Bobby doesn't correct her.
As they pack up the car, Tony thanks Janice for the birthday gift. Hugs and handshakes are exchanged, and the Sopranos are on their way. And no one died! Yet.
Bobby packs a suitcase as Janice nags him about whether Tony broke his balls about the fight. Janice wants to know where he's going as Bobby stalks out to the car and says he has business to handle. Janice is upset, since they have houseguests coming. Bobby says that he'll be back when he's back, and that she needs to quit nagging.
Bobby watches a scraggly young man enter a laundry room with a bag of clothes. He checks a photograph he's holding of the young family and, sure enough, the guy matches the photo. Bobby heads into the laundry room, makes sure no one else is around, and then shoots the guy in the chest. He walks closer and shoots the guy in the head. Unfortunately, the guy gets a whole of Bobby's shirt and manages to rip off a large chunk of it. The camera focuses in on a tattoo of an ankh on the dead guy's neck as Bobby scuttles off, dropping the gun on his way. Consider Bobby's whacking cherry popped.
Tony sits at home, watching the home movies. His lawyer calls to report that the Feds picked up the gun charges after Essex County dropped them. The lawyer thinks they are planning on folding it into a RICO case, but don't have much yet, or Tony would already be under arrest. Tony hangs up and continues watching the home movies, where little Tony and little Janice take turns spraying things with the hose. Some things never change.
Bobby arrives back at the lake house. He sees his family sitting at the picnic table as "This Magic Moment" plays on the soundtrack. Nica runs over to her father and gives him a big hug. Bobby clutches her almost desperately as he stares out at the peaceful water.
So that's it for the first episode of the last bunch of episodes of the series. And while, on the surface, not much happened, I think there were a ton of callbacks to episodes, and that familiar Soprano tension was used to good effect. I know I can't wait to see how it all plays out.