By Kim
Tony has surgery to close up his wound, which starts him on the road to recovery and going home. Unfortunately, it's not happening fast enough for his insurance company. While in the hospital, Tony makes friends with some of the other patients, and has various visitors. One such visitor is Janice's ex, Aaron, and his religious friend, who tries to get Tony to consider becoming born again. Tony seems to consider it. A rapper named Da Lux is brought to the hospital after being shot. Bobby befriends Da Lux's protégé, who worries that he's being overlooked while Da Lux recuperates. Bobby empathizes, and accepts cash to shoot the guy in the leg for the rapper's publicity and street cred. Paulie finds out that his aunt, dying in a convent, is actually his mother. She got pregnant and gave Paulie to her sister before taking her vows. Paulie feels betrayed, so he tells the woman he thought was his mother that he's cutting her off financially and emotionally. Meanwhile, the owner of Barone Sanitation, Tony's business front, dies, and his son wants to sell the business â to Cinelli Sanitation, Johnny Sack's business front. Tony spends the episode trying to broker a deal on the sale so that he will continue to get a W2 and health insurance from the company, as well as a financial piece. Paulie goes so far as to threaten the son, a civilian named Jason Barone, if he can't work out a deal where Tony still gets his share. Jason's mother comes and begs Tony not to hurt her son. Tony gets released from the hospital and seems to realize how lucky he is even to be alive. With his new mellow attitude, Tony accepts a deal on Barone from Johnny Sack, through Phil. Paulie is still pissed, and kneecaps Jason Barone and forces him to pay Paulie $4K every month -- coincidentally, the same amount Paulie's "mother"'s senior residence costs him -- and also never to tell Tony about it.
Outside of a scuba shop is a sea creature kitted up in scuba gear. The door to the shop opens, and out walks Paulie. Really? Can you even imagine Paulie in a wetsuit? Also, I think the sea monster kind of looked like Paulie. So the symbolism has begun: Paulie = monster. I think that theme will continue through the episode.
Tony sweats rivers in the hospital as a nurse cleans out and repacks his wound. The nurse says that Tony is scheduled for one last operation to close up his wound, and that it's a good sign, because it means that the doctor doesn't anticipate needing access to Tony's innards anymore. As the nurse finishes up, Tony clicks his morphine button a few times, and the nurse tells him to watch it. Which doesn't really make sense, because any ER viewer knows that the machine puts a cap on how much morphine can be delivered over a given time span, in order to prevent accidental overdose, unless of course George Clooney is your doctor. Tony glances at the Ojibwe saying pinned to the wall: "Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while, a great wind carries me across the sky." I know last week I said that I thought it meant, "Poor you," but the more I think about it, the more it seems like the Ojibwe version of that Footprints "poem" where Jesus gives someone a piggyback ride. The nurse comments on the saying, and Tony says that his sister put it up, and acts like he doesn't like it, but just keeps it pinned up because Meadow likes it. The nurse tells Tony that he's lucky, and that no one thought he would pull through. Tony can't believe his own uncle shot him.
Out in the hall, another patient is wheeled in, and the nurse says that it's a rapper named Da Lux, who was shot seven times coming out of a club. The nurse finishes up, and Tony hesitantly tells her that he hasn't been feeling himself since he woke up, and that his thoughts keep running away from him. The nurse assures him that it's common in surgical patients, and offers to get him a social worker to talk to. Tony doesn't respond, probably realizing that he can't really talk to anyone, given his profession. I wonder if he's thinking about Melfi.
Carmela walks in and hands Tony a book about dinosaurs. She apologizes for the crappy selection that the candy striper had to offer. The old Tony would have already checked out everything the candy striper had to offer, if you know what I mean. ["Also, Carmela couldn't go down to Borders and get Tony a book on Hitler or something? I think there are a few in print." -- Wing Chun] Tony cracks the book open, and tells Carmela about his upcoming surgery.
Jason Barone, son of the owner of Barone Sanitation, goes to the company's head office and talks to the foreman. Jason's father died recently, and Jason has been going over the books, and discovered that a consultant named Anthony Soprano has been drawing a paycheck for years, but that his office seems abandoned. Huh. Imagine that. A sanitation company in New Jersey has someone with an Italian name on the payroll who doesn't seem to actually do any work. I don't mean to stereotype, but duh. The foreman says that Tony's in the hospital, but that Jason can talk to Tony's colleague, Paulie. He gestures to the wall, where a clipping is hanging with a picture of Paulie being recognized as 2006 Honoree for Excellence in Recycling. Like Paulie ever separated his papers and plastics. Also, I kind of want that photo for my desktop. The picture spurs Jason's memory, and he realizes that Anthony is Tony Soprano, a friend of the family. How dumb is Jason? He couldn't figure out that Anthony Soprano is Tony Soprano? And he doesn't know who Tony Soprano is? Does he not read the papers?
Janice and Bobby visit Tony, who is busy yelling at the hospital staff for giving him a tray of food when he's not allowed to eat due to his impending surgery. Janice launches right into a story about her baby crying, like anyone cares, and like Janice even cares about her baby, unless she can use the baby as an excuse to get out of something, or to get attention and create drama. Tony rips on her for her Ojibwe saying, and Janice denies putting it up there, but their discussion is interrupted when Janice's nanny calls. Bobby helps himself to Tony's dinner. Tony rips on Bobby's love of trains, like, is this International Rip on the Bacala Family Day and no one informed me? Because I would have worked up some more material. Then again, every day is pretty much International Rip on the Bacala Family Day. Bobby apologizes for his role in Tony's shooting. Tony says darkly, "I tell you this, Bobby. You can't hide behind this brother-in-law shit forever. You're an okay guy, but each and every man is judged on his own merit." Bobby leaves the room, and Tony tries to click in some more morphine. George Clooney isn't there, so Tony continues to feel pain. And live.
As Tony struggles to get more pain relief, Aaron, Janice's ex-boyfriend, walks in and asks if Tony has heard the good news. Or I should probably say, Good News. Aaron is wearing a t-shirt that reads, "Terri Schiavo Vigil, 3-31-05, You go girl!" Man, that is awesome. And if you were wondering how the writers feel about Christian right-to-life protestors, now you know. Aaron says that he was there protesting a hospital pharmacist who was fired for refusing to fill a prescription for birth control pills. Wow, you mean he was fired for refusing to fulfill the duties of his job? Imagine that! Aaron introduces his friend and prayer leader, Bob Brewster. Bob walks in, and he's got that weird, overly earnest, ring-on-your-doorbell-and- ask-if-you've-been-saved kind of look to him. Bob thought they would pray for Tony, and Tony jokingly accuses him of bottom-feeding. Tony continues to be frustrated by the lack of morphine he's getting from the machine. Bob says that he's "seen people delivered from unbelievable pain." He adds that he was addicted to "cocaine and strippers," lost his wife, and crashed his car while drunk. During the crash, he prayed for God to save him, and he was saved, both literally and spiritually. Bob urges Tony to pray for salvation. Tony says that he's got the whole thing covered with his parish priest. Bob wants Tony to talk to God directly, without liturgical or human intercession. That's un-Catholic! We let the priests do the talking! ["When we go to church. Infrequently." -- Wing Chun]
Carmela walks in and seems weirdly happy to see Aaron. Bob talks about a study proving that prayer helped with pain. Wasn't there a study that came out just this week about how prayer didn't help heart patients? Then again, there will probably be a study week saying the opposite. Carmela thinks that prayer couldn't hurt, and Bob takes that as permission to launch into a prayer. Tony thinks for a moment and then asks about the pharmacist who wouldn't sell birth control. Bob thinks the guy should be "free to exercise his moral convictions without suffering loss of livelihood." Well, then I think he's in the wrong livelihood. Tony argues that he's worried about Viagra, because he'll probably need it, and someone might decide that God's against it. Bob assures him, "God loves procreation." Has he looked at Carmela? I think she might be a little too old for procreation at this point. I wonder how God feels about post-menopausal sex? I would ask him, but I'm not allowed, because I'm Catholic. Bob explains that birth control is a sin because it attacks life. Tony asks again what would happen if someone tried to get rid of Viagra, and tells Carmela that this affects her, too. Bob is sure that no one will ever go after Viagra. Tony reminds him that the government outlawed booze at one point, and as a bar owner, Tony is concerned. Bob smirks and says that Tony actually owns a strip club. So Bob's done his homework! Tony asks if Bob has been to the Bing; point for Tony there. Carmela thinks Tony needs to rest, and thanks Bob and Aaron for coming. Tony says very sincerely that he appreciates their coming by. They leave, and Carmela asks Tony why he's being such a wise-ass. Tony acts all innocent.
Tony lies on the operating table, unconscious for his surgery. Dr. Rachel Green's Dad peer into Tony's wound and says, "Oh my God! I just found Jimmy Hoffa!" Everyone chuckles. Do kids nowadays even know who Jimmy Hoffa is?
Meadow reads to Tony from his dinosaur book. Paulie walks in with Jason Barone, and Tony gives his condolences. Tony reintroduces Jason to Meadow, and they seem to share sort of an interesting look, but who knows if anything will ever come of that. Tony and Jason reminisce about their trips to sporting events, and Meadow says that she has to go. Tony says proudly that Meadow wants to be a doctor, and Paulie adds, "Also considering law." Tony gets down to business, despite the fact that he can't even sit up on his own. He heard that Jason wants to sell Barone Sanitation to Chuckie Cinelli. Jason thinks it would be the best thing for his widowed mother, and adds that Tony would get a severance package. Tony strongly suggests that Jason not sell the business right now, and offers to help Jason to find a better buyer when he gets out of the hospital. Jason -- clearly not in the loop on what happens when Tony strongly suggests something -- isn't convinced. Paulie asks Jason if he even knows what his EBITDA is, and clearly Paulie has been watching CNBC in his spare time. Jason seems confused. Tony tells Jason, "You let me handle this. I don't want to see you get hurt. The carting business -- it's a different corporate culture." Paulie says that they should let Tony rest, and Jason leaves.
Paulie enters a convent to visit his dying aunt, a nun, who has been asking for him. Aunt Dottie is lying on a bed, wearing a nightgown, and her legs are exposed. Paulie is disturbed by the image, and tries to cover his aunt up, but she protests that she's burning up. Paulie kind of ignores the fact that his aunt seems distressed, and shows her the new scuba diver socks he bought for her, which explains the opening scene. Aunt Dottie fingers her rosary and says that she needs to tell him something. Paulie grabs a nearby nun to replace his aunt's shoes. Aunt Dottie pulls Paulie closer and confesses that she was a bad girl. Paulie brushes her concerns aside, but Aunt Dottie continues talking about how, as a young girl, she helped out at the USO and was seduced by a soldier named Russ. Paulie suggests that she talk to a priest. Aunt Dottie busts out, "I got pregnant! I had a baby!" The other nun looks shocked, and Paulie thinks Aunt Dottie is...well, dotty. Aunt Dottie insists that she did have a baby, and that the baby was Paulie. He's her son. Paulie is silent, for once. Aunt Dottie says that the woman Paulie thought was his mother is actually his aunt. Man, you thought Paulie had Mommy issues before!
Tony dozes in his room. An attractive woman enters and asks how he's doing as she starts consulting his chart. Tony wonders where this woman has been, since his other doctors are like "the United Colors of Benetton." Like the Jimmy Hoffa joke, I wonder how many people under twenty-five even get what that means. ["Also, would that be a pop-culture reference Tony would get? I don't picture him doing much reading of Seventeen in the early '90s." -- Wing Chun] The woman says that she's actually there representing Tony's insurance company, and will help the doctors to figure out how soon they can let Tony go home. She sees that Tony's incision is closed, and that they removed his catheter. Tony realizes that she wants to kick him out, and protests that his bowels aren't even working yet. The woman chides Tony for eating a sausage sandwich a few days ago. Tony can't believe that he's paid all these years only to be put on the street. The woman points out that, without insurance, Tony would have been at the county hospital. She refers to a "wallet biopsy" that happened in the ambulance, where they found Tony's insurance card. That is, like, the lamest piece of corporate-speak ever. And I work in the educational field, which is rife with the buzzwords. Ask me about using data-driven dialogue as an assessment of lifelong learning. Or don't. Tony tells her, "Get out of my room, you sick cunt." And while I don't usually agree with Tony's view of women, I think he nailed that one. Well, not nailed. Although he'd probably like to do that too, if only Jesus approved of Viagra.
Carmela helps Tony walk down the hall. A nurse calls Carmela away, so she helps Tony to sit on a chair outside Da Lux's room, which is perfect for Tony to eavesdrop. Inside, Da Lux's manager is explaining how the shooting has caused Da Lux's new album to climb the charts, and helped out with his street cred, which was apparently a problem. Da Lux complains that he's in a lot of pain. Tony looks disgusted as Da Lux cries over the possibility of losing his thumb. It's hard to tell if he's disgusted by the manager's avarice, or by Da Lux's self-pity. Or both.
Bobby gets a drink of water near Da Lux's entourage. One guy, played by Treach from Naughty by Nature, is in the middle of working on a rap, and Bobby strikes up a conversation. Treach is apparently Da Lux's protégé, but since the shooting, Da Lux doesn't have time for Treach, who complains that now he'll never get to record his major-label debut. Bobby seems to relate, since he also was hoping to move up the ranks, and now that Tony's been shot, he probably won't get his chance.
Paulie's car screeches to a stop in front of his mother's retirement community, where a group of oldsters is exiting a bus. Ma Walnuts is happy to see Paulie, who grabs her arm and pulls her aside to confront her with Aunt Dottie's revelation. Ma Walnuts tries to deny it, but finally admits that she's not so much Ma Walnuts as she is Aunt Walnuts. So now I'm going to call her Aunt Ma Walnuts. Paulie yells that he gave his Aunt Ma everything under false pretense. He calls Aunt Ma "a fraud and a phony" and Ma Dottie "a hoo-ah!" Aunt Ma tries to make excuses, but Paulie thinks they cooked up a scheme, and that he's the innocent victim. ["Yeah, they totally pegged Paulie, in utero, as a future mafioso they could later exploit for scuba shoes and such." -- Wing Chun] Aunt Ma says that she always loved Paulie, but Paulie just walks away.
Bobby smokes a cigar outside the hospital. Treach walks out, and Bobby says that he's been thinking about Treach's problem, and thinks it would help if Treach got shot too, because it would "raise [his] profile with Ex Lax." Bobby thinks it would be easiest if Treach got shot in "the fleshy part of the thigh." Doesn't the whole thigh have flesh? Treach calls Bobby "a crazy motherfucker" and stomps off.
The guys sit in the hospital lobby and watch Today. Silvio's back, and still sucking on his inhaler. Paulie walks out and is greeted by Father Intintola, who's kind of turning into Father Intintubby. Paulie yells at Father about "those fucking nuns [he's] got up there." Father Intintola is just like, "The H?"
Paulie walks into Tony's room and finds Tony watching Kung Fu on TV. Paulie reports that Phil Leotardo is downstairs and wants to visit. Tony is distracted by the television, but then asks Paulie to help him out of bed so that he can go downstairs and see Phil. They slowly walk down the hall, Paulie rolling Tony's IV stand. Tony stops by his neighbor's room and apologizes for snoring so loudly. The neighbor, played by Hal Holbrook, says that he was "cutting farts like sonic booms," and introduces himself as John Schwinn, a former employee of Bell Labs. Tony asks what the guy's in for, and Schwinn says that he had a sinus infection, and that the doctors saw something in there they didn't like, so they are running more tests. Da Lux is rolled by on a gurney, and Tony thanks him for giving AJ a CD. Da Lux calls Tony "original G" and invites him to his room to watch the fight on satellite that night. It's like a pizza party up in there. Is that a hospital or a dorm room? And since when has Tony been Mr. Mingle and Meet and Greet?
Outside the hospital, Tony meets with Phil as Paulie stands by. Tony complains that Cinelli, which is clearly Johnny Sack's front company, intended to buy Barone Sanitation without so much as a courtesy call. Phil says that Tony was in a coma, and Tony asks if that means they can do whatever they want. Phil blames the whole situation on Johnny Sack's being in a panic state while in prison. Tony says that, whatever happens, he needs to be kept on as an employee of Barone, because he needs the W2 and the insurance. Phil thinks Tony's demands are ridiculous: 25% of the sale price, an annual salary until retirement age, plus skim from each route. Tony says that he doesn't want to argue, and counteroffers a reduced skim. He asks Paulie how many stops they base the skim on, and Paulie is off in his own world, and can't give an answer. Tony guesses that it's based on twenty-five stops, and says he'll reduce it to twenty, but that he needs to stay on the payroll. Phil cheerfully promises to deliver the message. Tony looks annoyed that Paulie, who walked away to take a call on his phone, isn't helping out with the negotiations.
In the elevator back upstairs, Tony accuses Paulie of having his head up his ass. Paulie confesses that his Aunt Dottie just died. Tony softens and offers condolences. He asks if they were close, and Paulie shrugs. Tony asks if it was his mom's sister, or his dad's. Paulie, with some venom, says, "Mom's." Tony asks how his mother is taking it, and Paulie is relieved to see that they've arrived at their floor so that he doesn't have to get into it. Tony keeps asking questions, with Paulie giving curt replies, and finally Tony looks at Paulie and says, "Maybe you don't want to talk about it." Paulie angrily says, "Yeah." Tony lasts all of five seconds before he asks another question about nuns.
Paulie and Tony return to Tony's room, and Bobby introduces Tony to the paramedic who brought him in. Tony gets all mad about the "wallet biopsy" the paramedic performed. The paramedic says that he didn't take any money from Tony's wallet, and that he was only doing his job by looking for proof of insurance. Tony demands the $2000 that went missing from his wallet. The paramedic protests, and Christopher shoves the guy and says that he has one week to pay up. It's obviously a shakedown; this guy didn't take a damn thing. Carmela walks in, breaking up their little party. Tony cheerfully says goodbye to the paramedic. The rest of the guys file out, as AJ walks in. Tony wonders if AJ and Carmela made up. AJ says that Carmela apologized, and Carmela adds that AJ got a job at Blockbuster. Well, he's clearly on the road to success. Tony is pleased that they patched things up.
Tony, Schwinn, Da Lux, and the rest of the entourage sit around in Da Lux's giant hospital-room suite and watch a boxing match. That suite is bigger than any single room in my house, and way bigger than Tony's room. The satellite signal scrambles, and Da Lux yells at Treach, who is standing near the window holding a satellite dish. Man, Treach really is a bitch. Tony tries to get Paulie into the conversation, but Paulie is busy cleaning his nails and stewing over his matrilineage. Paulie breaks out of his reverie and says that boxing is "a life of abuse," and that it's "the same for everybody." He points out that Tony was shot by his own uncle, and that you think you can count on family, but they fuck you in the end. Hopefully not literally, although that would explain why Paulie is so fucked up. Tony apologizes for Paulie, because he's grieving. Paulie thinks we're all fighting for our lives. Schwinn disagrees, but doesn't want to get into it, because it's complicated. At Tony's urging, Schwinn says it's an illusion that the boxers are separate entities, and brings up Schoedinger's Equation to explain that physics shows we are all part of the same field. The satellite signal goes out again and everyone yells at Treach. Tony wants Schwinn to continue. Schwinn goes on to say that everything is connected. Da Lux agrees, "Everything is everything." The picture goes out on the TV again. Schwinn concludes that our consciousness makes separate shapes out of things, but that they don't really exist. Paulie asks Schwinn to fix the TV if he's so smart. Schwinn thinks Paulie is joking. Paulie isn't joking. As Schwinn goes to make the repairs, Tony mulls over what they discussed.
Phil visits Johnny Sack in prison to deliver Tony's message regarding the purchase of Barone Sanitation. Johnny Sack is pissed that Tony is only thinking of himself, and vows that the sale will go through no matter what Tony says. He's willing to keep Tony on for two years so that he can keep his W2 and health insurance, and that he'll get 5% of the sale, and the lease of a new car.
In Tony's hospital room, Tony has just heard the news from Paulie. Tony is pissed! Old Tony is back with the screaming and yelling and pointing. Tony gets so worked up that he projectile vomits all over himself, nearly hitting Christopher and Paulie in the process.
Jason Barone rows a scull on a river somewhere. As he pulls up to the dock, there's a shot of his shoes, which are very similar to the ones Paulie bought Dottie. As Jason ties up his boat, Paulie and Patsy walk up to talk to him. Paulie thinks Jason needs to know that, whatever happens with the sale, the Family needs to be taken care of. Jason says that he'll definitely honor the provisions in the contract, but Paulie tells him to fuck the contract, because Tony needs to be duly compensated for his service over the years. Paulie advances a few steps towards Jason and says that since Johnny Sack is dragging his feet, Tony's share is going to have to come out of Jason's pocket. Jason chuckles nervously that he's starting to feel intimidated, and Paulie says that he should, because "a man who teaches skiing for a living ought to look after his physical condition, wouldn't you say? His knees!" Paulie adds that Tony doesn't want to see Jason get hurt. Paulie concludes, "I got a lot on my mind these days. I don't need this shit." Paulie and Patsy walk away. Not shown: Jason, pooping his pants. Well, wouldn't you?
On the golf course, Jason goes to Cinelli to try to renegotiate the terms of the sale, but Cinelli isn't having it. Cinelli knows exactly why Jason is trying to renegotiate, and says that he won't change the terms, because Tony is Jason's problem. Jason threatens to look for other buyers, which Tony promised are out there. Cinelli says that the Barone routes are now Cinelli routes, end of story. God, I'm glad I'm not in bed with the Mafia.
Tony stands at the end of a hallway in the hospital, looking into an ICU room. Paulie comes up, and Tony explains that the little girl in the room has third-degree burns on 80% of her body. Paulie starts bitching about his own situation, and Tony can't believe he's being so self-absorbed. Tony! Can't believe someone else is being self-absorbed! Tony asks what's going on with Paulie, and why he's been acting so nuts. Paulie confesses that his aunt was his mother, explaining the whole situation. Paulie feels like he doesn't know who he is anymore: "It's like my whole life is a joke. A big fucking joke on me."
A man and his young son ride in a Barone garbage truck to a stop. When they get to their destination, a Cinelli truck is blocking the way. The guy gets out to see what's up, and is told that it's not his route anymore. The Cinelli employees beat the crap out of the guy, right in front of his son. Nice. Not that I was ever planning on getting a job as a sanitation worker, but now it's dropped to the absolute bottom of the list of potential careers.
Tony sleeps in his room, the Ojibwe saying on the bedside table.
Paulie goes to see Aunt Ma, a glower on his face. Aunt Ma chides Paulie for not going to his own mother's funeral, but Paulie complains that "even a rat don't abandon its own children." Aunt Ma points out that Dottie will have to "face St. Peter with that stain on her." Paulie starts yelling at Aunt Ma for taking advantage of him for all these years, since he was the only one of her children who helped her out financially. Paulie points out all the glitz and glamour he's provided for Aunt Ma: "The mink coat, the massage chair from Sharper's [sic] Image, the flat-screen TV." The saddest part of this scene is how tiny Aunt Ma's apartment is, and how tacky the furniture is, and just everything, and yet Paulie is acting like he's been putting his aunt/mother up in the Ritz-Carlton. Paulie grabs the television and tosses it out the window. ["Hey! The television never abandoned you, Paulie! Have some respect!" -- Wing Chun] He says emotionally, "You're on your own. I never want to see you again." He stomps out, and Aunt Ma sobs on her bed.
Jason visits Tony to report that he can't renegotiate the agreement with Cinelli. Tony yells that Jason was an idiot, and Jason wonders he was supposed to know the deal. Tony and Paulie blame Jason for the beating of the Barone employee. Jason protests that it's not fair. Tony can't believe Jason thinks anything in life is fair, and kicks him out of the room. Out in the hallway, Jason says that his family kept him in the dark about their connections. Paulie projects his own feelings and says that lack of communication is no excuse, while he shoves Jason down the hall.
Treach meets up with Bobby in Bobby's car, and hands over a paper bag full of cash in return for Bobby's shooting him. Bobby complains that the money is a grand short, and Treach says that he could get his brother to do it for free. Bobby points out all the good reasons to have a stranger do the shooting, mainly that no one will ever find out Treach set the whole thing up. Treach says that it's all the money he's got, and Bobby accepts it. Treach says that he wants Bobby to surprise him, and takes off.
Tony reads to Christopher from his dinosaur book. He tells Christopher that if a timeline of Earth's existence were put on the Empire State Building, human beings would only occupy a postage stamp at the very top. Christopher looks confused as Tony points out how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. Christopher skeptically says, "I don't feel that way." Awesome line delivery by Michael Imperioli, as usual.
Hesh and his daughter come by for a visit. They're only there for a moment before Pastor Bob walks in and sits down. Tony jokes that he's feeling better, and that it must be the prayer. Pastor Bob brought Tony a copy of Born Again by Charles Colson -- or as Tony calls him, "the Watergate guy." Pastor Bob agrees: "A ruthless, powerful man who thought he was above the law. He committed crimes and then went to prison. And then he found Jesus, and everything changed. Became a different man." Real subtle. Pastor Bob says that salvation isn't just about not going to hell; it's also about living a better life. He invites Tony to join his church. Tony agrees that it would be nice to have something to hold on to, and says he might take Pastor Bob up on that. There's an awkward silence, and then Pastor Bob picks up Tony's dinosaur book. He leafs through it and comments that some people would have you believe that dinosaurs existed millions of years ago, but that it's not true, because God created the Earth six thousand years ago, and dinosaurs and humans lived on the Earth at the same time. Tony asks, "What, like The Flintstones?" I think someone in the writers' room has been listening to Karl Pilkington. Tony asks about carbon dating, and Pastor Bob says that scientists have an agenda and calls evolution "Satan's plan to deny God." He concludes that evolution and salvation are mutually exclusive. Tony wonders what Schwinn would think about this, and Pastor Bob says that Schwinn isn't saved. I think Pastor Bob had Tony for a minute, but the whole dinosaur/unsaved Schwinn thing lost him. Pastor Bob says that they'll talk later, and leaves. Christopher asks, "What's he saying? There were dinosaurs back with Adam and Eve? No way! T-Rex in the Garden of Eden? Adam and Eve would be running all the time, scared shitless. But the Bible says it was Paradise." Now that is what Christopher should make a movie about! Adam and Eve being chased by dinosaurs. Hesh's daughter says that evangelicals are great friends of the Jews, because Israel is the Holy Land. Christopher looks confused, and Hesh just says, "You wait." I didn't get the ending of that scene, but I think I used up all my brain power coming up with the Bobby/Treach parallel. ["I thought Hesh was saying 'You wait' to his daughter, as if warning her that evangelicals would turn on Jews eventually." -- Wing Chun]
Tony and Vito go for a walk down the hallway, and Tony stops in to see Schwinn as Vito heads to the restroom. Tony tells Schwinn about the Ojibwe saying. Schwinn agrees that he often don't see that we are part of a bigger reality, and wonders about Tony's sudden interest in the nature of reality. Tony hesitates, and then says that he was in a coma, and doesn't remember anything, but that he knows that, before he woke up, he felt like he was being pulled toward somewhere he doesn't want to go. Carmela told him that he woke up and asked who he was and where he was going, and that it made him wonder about heaven and hell. Schwinn says that presupposes the duality of good and evil, something Schwinn doesn't buy into. Tony reports what Pastor Bob said about Schwinn not being saved. Schwinn says he has laryngeal cancer, and wonders if Tony could "whack" him. Awkward pause. Awkward pause. Schwinn apologizes for the "bad joke."
Paulie sits in Tony's room, tapping his fingers. Tony enters, and Paulie asks where Vito went. Tony says that he can't wait over an hour for Vito to take a dump, and that "you could build a jetty with what comes out." That is a mental image that I did not need. Tony knows that Paulie didn't go to Dottie's funeral. Paulie says he's done with Aunt Ma, and won't be paying four grand a month for her nursing home anymore. Tony asks if he's going to throw her out on the street, because Aunt Ma loved Paulie, and cared for him growing up. Paulie says he's the most pissed about Dottie, because even Livia, with all her faults, never abandoned her children. Tony is reflexively pissed that Paulie dissed his mother, and then gets pissed that Paulie feels so sorry for himself. Tony preaches, "You gotta get beyond this petty bullshit, Paulie. You're part of something bigger. When you gonna learn that?"
Treach walks out of a convenience store with some grocery bags, and suddenly, he gets shot in the ass. As his girlfriend freaks out, Bobby quickly walks away.
Tony lies in his bed and thinks about the food he will eat when he gets out. Carmela listens while she stares out the window, thinking. Finally, she turns and tells Tony that she thinks the package from Vito and Paulie was short. Tony doesn't see the big deal, and Carmela advises, "Vito, especially, is somebody you should watch." I kind of dig Carmela getting her hands dirty, mostly because I think deep down she is actually a better judge of character than Tony is, and possibly colder in some ways. The insurance lady returns and tells Tony that he's going home. The lady starts to leave, but Tony stops her and asks if she knows anything about Schwinn's surgery, which happened that morning. She heard they removed his larynx, which seems like a violation of several patient confidentiality laws. Although if she's not a doctor, maybe it doesn't matter.
Tony sits in his room and flips through the TV channels. Mrs. Barone comes in with Paulie, and Tony offers his condolences on the loss of her husband. Mrs. Barone says that Jason filled her in on what's been going on, and that she gets why Tony is upset. She confesses that she and her husband purposely kept Jason in the dark about how the business worked, so she deserves the blame for what has happened. Tony doesn't think she's involved, but she begs Tony not to let anything happen to Jason. Paulie watches her suspiciously. Tony is confused, and says that nothing will happen to Jason. Mrs. Barone isn't convinced, and begs Tony to hurt her in place of her son, if that's what needs to happen. Paulie starts tearing up in the background and leaves the room. Mrs. Barone asks Tony for his word that nothing will happen, and Tony gives it. Out in the hallway, Paulie wipes tears from his face. I think anyone can see that this isn't going to end well for a number of people.
Christopher helps Tony put his shirt on to prepare for going home. Bobby hands Tony an envelope of money, saying that he had an especially good week, but failing to mention that his good week was the product of shooting Treach. Silvio, Christopher, Carmela, Bobby, Vito, Meadow, and Janice walk along as Tony is wheeled down the hall by an orderly. AJ must have had to work the swing shift. Tony makes them stop by Schwinn's room, where things look pretty fucking dire. Christopher asks if Tony wants to say goodbye. Tony checks out all the tubes attached to his friend's body and decides to pass it up.
As they enter the hospital lobby, the paramedic approaches with an envelope of cash. Tony tells him not to do it there, and then decides that they shouldn't do it all, and refuses the envelope. Christopher is incredulous, but Tony commands the orderly to roll him on. As they wait for their car, Tony sits on the curb in his wheelchair and marvels at humanity, and all of the everyday noises most of us take for granted. Janice says that she's going to get her car, but Tony grabs her hand and pulls her back. He says emotionally that he's supposed to be dead, but now he's alive, and that he's "the luckiest guy in the whole world." He vows that, after this, every day is a gift. Janice agrees, but just as quickly leaves to get her car, clearly not all that affected by Tony's revelation.
At home, Tony lies in bed. Carmela comes in and tells him that Phil is there to see him, but they need to keep it short. Tony calls her back: "Hey, Blondie. It's all you, you know. The reason I'm back here." Carmela is clearly flattered, and says that it's not just her, but that she appreciates his saying that. That was a nice moment between them. I'm really rooting for those two crazy kids to make it. Carmela leaves, and Phil walks in and shuts the door. Tony turns on some music to cover their conversation. Phil says that Johnny doesn't want any trouble, so he's willing to let Tony keep his paycheck and his W2 for ten years, and jack up his share of the sale price to 12%. Tony thinks it over, and then decides that it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things. It's a postage stamp, if you will. They shake on it, and Phil leaves.
Tony heaves himself out of bed with some effort, and heads downstairs. He bypasses the kitchen, where the crew is gathered, eating. He walks out back and sits in a chair by the pool. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought there would be ducks in this scene. Anyway, Tony sits down and feels the sun on his face, while listening to the wind blow in the trees. The footage of the trees is very similar to the footage during Tony's coma dream where he heard Meadow calling for him.
Jason Barone is back at the river with his boat, preparing to enter the water. As he puts the boat in the water, Paulie sneaks up behind him and whacks him in the back of the knees with a pipe. When Jason falls, Paulie whacks the front of his knees. As Jason cries out in pain, Paulie leans over and calls Jason "Mama's boy," and adds that Jason will be sending Paulie four grand a month from now on. Paulie pulls out a gun and tells Jason that if he ever mentions this to Tony, there will be consequences.
Tony, meanwhile, just sits in the sun and happily listens to the wind.
Back at the docks, Paulie stalks off, leaving Jason rolling in agony on the ground.