First of all, I have to shout out huuuuge thanks to Lauren for filling in for me in my time of need. Though something tells me that recapping last week's Debbie Allen-infused episode was thanks enough. But seriously: I will wobble with you any day, miss.
It's the final week of auditions before Vegas! I forgot how quickly Vegas comes on this show. Slow down/hurry up! Cat is a vision in both snow AND salt flats as she introduces this final audition city: Salt Lake City, Utah. The ancestral home of all those amazing Mormon dancers we've had on this show. Oooh, before I forget: if you have a spare half of an entire day anytime soon, you have to check out this podcast Benji Schwimmer did, about his faith and his (recently public) homosexuality and how they clashed. Benji was never my favorite (I was obviously Team Travis in season 2), but this really made me see him differently, in both the ways I relate to his struggle and -- even moreso -- in the ways that I don't. He's a really interesting and ultimately good-hearted guy. And he get really dishy about his season on SYTYCD too. Cannot recommend highly enough.
Salt Lake City
Adam Shankman joins Nigel and Mary on the judges' panel, and once again, Mary hands out the list of Do Not Dos, helpfully pantomimed by the always-game-for-drama Adam. I especially enjoyed his demonstrations of that old contemporary standby: the reach out to nothing.
THE BEST
It was a good set of auditioners in SLC, including what seemed like way more ballroomers than we've had in recent seasons, but there were very few knockouts. Besides the brief glimpses I saw of this cute boy in black satin shorts and a cute haircut. More of him in Vegas, huh?
My personal favorites were Deanna "Dee" Thomasetta, 19, who appears to be related to the entire Italian community of Milbury, Massachusetts. She's a contemporary dancer with fluid movements and intense faces. She's also a crier, which she gets to put into practice when the judges flip for her and send her to Vegas.
After a bit of a story about his family's low-income Minnesota past, Dareian Kujawa, 19, reveals that in order to escape poverty, he channeled all his energy into getting a killer body. ...I mean, I assume, given the data on my screen right now. He's not even trying to wear a shirt, which Nigel calls out in that Nigel way of his. Actually, strike that; Nigel joshing a guy about his hard nipples is actually technically progressive, for Nigel. Anyway, Dareian is a contemporary in the mold of a Marko from last season. Gorgeous body, quick movements, and lots of passion. After he performs, Nigel does have to call out his curled toes, which are basically his one imperfection. Mary's like, sure, feet, whatever, but the abs! Adam then chimes in with his historic 100,000th "ARE YOU KIDDING?" of the series. Congratulations, Adam! He is riding hardcore for Dareian. Nigel then says they're sending Dareian "to a place where a lot of people lose their shirt." JEEZ, Nigel, with the tortured ticket presentations.
What seemed like a freakshow audition at the outset turns into a pretty great showcase for Gene Lonardo, 22, who decided to come with a freaky-deaky high-concept routine about the life cycle of the male praying mantis. And sure, hahaha, but honestly? Like Sonya hasn't come up with this one in six different variations already? So Gene comes on stage in teeny square-cut briefs and splashes of green paint on him. Yes, it's weird, but he can really move, and he commits to the concept, down to a pretty gnarly move to represent his head getting bitten off by the female mantis. (And yes, I realize the whole point of this is that it's mating between a male and female mantis, but I did kind of chuckle when Gene started talking about his lady mate.) Nigel calls it intriguing and entertaining, which means the gambit paid off. Mary acknowledges that they ask the dancers to be distinctive and this is distinctive. And it didn't obscure his actual dancing talent, so well done, Gene! The judges all make the no-brainer observation that Sonya would kill to work with him (what did I say??), and he's on (or back home, really) to Vegas.
THE PRETTY GOOD
Witney Carson is a Latin ballroomer who is 18 but looks decidedly 14. She's got braces and a little baby fat in her face and everything. So get ready to be uncomfortable when she talks about how much she enjoys the sensuality of being a woman! There's a definite Toddlers & Tiaras vibe here, I gotta say. She tells the judges that her usual partner is only 16 years old and thus can't audition. She performs well, though I think the standing O is a bit much. She doesn't deliver a whole lot of personality, even if her movements are totally on point. Mary and Adam seem very impressed with how she seemingly went from girl-to-woman as soon as the music started. I guess I'm the only one who finds that creepier than it is impressive? Nigel sees season 3's Anya in her (he makes sure to remind us that he found Anya to be incredibly sensual and sexy) and then compliments Witney's "smoking hot face." That face with BRACES in it?? Gross, Nigel.
Lindsay Arnold, 18, is the oldest of four blonde Utah sisters who all look like variations on our own Cat Deeley. She dances Latin ballroom, but has trained in jazz, contemporary, hip-hop, and ballet. She's proficient, but not exciting, which is too bad, because I was ready to be quite fond of her. Mary says she reminds her of Julianne Hough, though, so maybe there's something there.
Teeny blonde krumper Mariah Spears, 18, gets all the moves right and impresses the hell out of the judges with the incongruity of it all. I have to be honest, there's so much about krump that's attitude, and I can't entirely buy Mariah as anything beyond a pose. But good for her for getting the absolute most out of learning the moves. Nigel sends her to choreography, where she manages to do enough to make it to Vegas.
The saddest personal story of the week belonged to Murphy Yang, 22, a cuuuuute, blue-haired Utah boy whose parents never supported his dancing and later disowned him when they moved away to California. His only support is his silent, smiley girlfriend (though, seriously, this girl is the CLASSIC "first girlfriend," sorry honey). Murphy's hip-hop style seems very translatable to Broadway style, and his musicality is for real. Nigel calls him an "entertainer" but he doesn't have enough "moves" to his liking. Mary and Adam are impressed by his raw materials, so they send him to choreography. Sadly, Murphy can't quite hack it there, and we're left to watch the tearful scene where he tells his gf he couldn't do it. Guys!
After a montage of Familiar Faces who came back this year to audition again -- including Nearly Naked Guy from last year, but WHERE is my Arielle Coker, though?? -- we come back to Adrian Lee, 22, who made it to the home-visits stage of Season 7 (remember that weird home-visits stage of Season 7?) before Mary Murphy had to deliver the bad news to his face. You know who absolutely remembers this? Mary Murphy, who could not look more uncomfortable. She repeatedly assures Adrian that the moment was as awful for her as it was for him, and while I doubt it, I don't question how much Mary hated that particular relic of the show's past. She even smacks at Nigel for making her do it. For Adrian's part, he was so crushed by the rejection that he didn't even audition last season. (Also? His parents instituted a strict No SYTYCD Professionals in the House rule.) Anyway, Adrian's contemporary choreography manages to put off all three judges as being too self-regarding, but they all know he's got the tools to dance. Any contemporary dancer with a sturdy frame like his is going to get attention. And like with Ryan Ramirez last season, I think he's basically assured a spot in this year's Top 20 if only as an apology. Indeed, he's sent through to Vegas.
Rachel Applehans, 20, was painfully shy as a child so instead she decided to become Courtney Stodden. It's all painfully applied sexuality, from the gross, sheer bustier top to the Nigel-baiting strategy of come-hither looks from the dancefloor. It's a "jazz burlesque" routine that includes, among other silly things, that all-fours crawl last seen in the amazing "Cradle of Love" video. Oh, and obviously, splits. In other words, it's a total strip routine, and not a very graceful one that that. Adam's like: fun, fantastic, but not dancing, while Mary is slightly more amenable to the idea of jazz burlesque. Nigel, contrary to his reputation, says there was too much burlesque and not enough jazz. They send her to choreography first, and she manages to hold it together enough to earn a trip to Vegas. Now be gone with you.
The final dancer of SLC (and thus the auditions phase of Season 9) is huggable Leroy Martinez, 29, a hefty do-gooder from Sacramento who says dance helped save him from his family's legacy of crime and drugs. He is representing his organization that supports after-school programs for kids, so of course everyone rightly tells him what a great job he's doing at being a person. When the dancing starts, we find out he's a pretty okay hip-hopper who has at least two KILLER moves in his arsenal: an out-of-nowhere backflip and a routine-closing headstand. Nigel and Mary high-five at the latter, while Adam almost falls out at the former. Adam is already crying by the time the crowd leaps to their feet for Leroy. All three judges are just over the moon about the guy, but none of them think he's got it to advance in the competition. They send him to choreography, where he holds his own, but it's not enough for him to make it to Vegas. I think the exposure for his after-school cause was what he was looking for anyway, and a hug from Cat Deeley isn't bad, as far as bonuses go.
THE PRETTY BAD
Lynn Gravat is into alien space dancing and other such nonsense. So really she probably started having seizures that she interpreted as alien spirits entering her body and compelling her to dance. This is classic Salem Witch stuff. The show has a lot of fun with the names she has for the "spirits" that inhabit her, but really, this is the worst type of audition: either she's legit and mentally ill or putting us on and thus an asshole. I'm guessing it's the former here. Speaking of former, Lynn is formerly an aerospace engineer, which makes me think she's one of those "she came back wrong" situations. On her better moments, she reminds me of Jane Lynch from the "witches in nature's colors" scene in A Mighty Wind. Anyway, she dances like a Grateful Dead hippie spinning, mixed with some robotics. Nigel condescends and the judges are like "at least you're happy?" Very "bless your heart" about the whole thing.
The super-gross ballroomer Johnny Ahn, 29, is taking a class on picking up chicks, so you can only imagine. After teaching Cat about negging and getting a glorious Teflon treatment from her, he hits on his dance partner Whitney Hallam, 19, who seems to be totally fine except for the part where she willingly interacts with Johnny. The judges basically laugh Johnny and his dating strategies out of the room, while they all take a moment to feel bad for Whitney. On the dancefloor, their moves are solid but their chemistry is nonexistent. They're sent to choreography where we're all put out of our misery. Sorry, Whitney, but the sacrifice of you was for the greater good.
week: VEGAS HOLY GOD VEGAS.
Joe R declined to mention a certain Adam Shankman movie coming out soon, because he likes Adam Shankman. Questions, comments, and unadulterated love can be sent to him at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.