The competition is over, but we still have two hours to get through. So it's going to be a delightful collection of the best dances from the season, plus probably some new things and maybe a few special guests. It'll be fun! Until three people have to lose. That part is probably going to be a bummer. For the record, I have decided that I am ever so slightly on Team Sasha. Although if Melanie wins, I'll happily switch to her. Sorry, Tadd and Marko!
The opening dance appears to have about twenty people. And it has a Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome aesthetic that I find very pleasing. Unfortunately, the crazy makeup and giant wigs mean that I can't be sure who these people are. I'm going to assume that it's all the contestants from this season, because that would be a nice thing to have to open the show. I'm pretty sure I saw Jess in there, anyway. And the final four dancers on stage are our top four, so I'm just going to say I'm right. And Cat confirms it! And it was a Sonya Tayeh routine, if you're curious.
Cat takes the audience's temperature, and it sounds like a Sasha crowd to me. And then she promises fabulousness tonight. The judge table is a little overstocked: Lil' C, Robin Antin, Tyce Diorio, Sonya Tayeh, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Mary Murphy, and Nigel Lythgoe. It's good to see Jesse Tyler Ferguson again, isn't it? This is his reward for being the best celebrity judge!
The four finalists come out in their weird Sonya outfits so the judges can pontificate at them. They're not really "judges" at this point, I guess. Anyway, C congratulates them on being in the top four. Robin claims that they've all won, which I don't think is a strictly accurate representation of what's going to happen later in the episode. Tyce says something about spirits and pockets or something. Sonya promises that she's going to start crying later and tells them that their futures are "glorious with dancing." Jesse starts to tell them to dance their hearts out but then "remembers" that the voting is already over so it doesn't even matter. He sticks with the general message that even the ones who don't win will have great careers. Mary also talks about spirit. Nigel says that all four of them are inspirational to kids across America. And then he apologizes for being a jerk last night when he told Tadd and Marko that a woman would win. Good for him!
Audition recaps? Oh, dear. I recognize some of this. Even the audition recaps include the annoying crazy people. Why do these shows think we're tuning in for deluded lunatics? We have the Internet for that! And the recap goes into the Vegas episodes, especially Sasha's sister Natalia being taken away in an ambulance. But she came right back, so the drama is kind of gone from that moment. And then we have a bunch of clips from the season. There's that dance that used "Please, Mr. Jailer!" Did you go and see Cry-Baby like I told you to? Look, I don't know what to tell you about this stuff. There are some great dances here, and I hope we get to see them on tonight's show. Cat claims that the montage made people in the audience cry. I guess it's possible.
It's time for some dancing! Mary introduces Tyce's Wall dance with Sasha and Kent. Yeah, that was a great dance. And here it is again! I assume Sasha's exhausted by this point in the season, but she still gives a great, incredibly physical performance. Kent looks wiped out and he didn't have to do four dances last night. I love this dance!
The prizes for this season include a particular piece of product placement.
Remember that time that Nigel kissed Mary? Remember how convinced the show was that it was something interesting and worth freaking out over? Well, it's still happening. I guess I'll take this opportunity to say that I was pleased to see Mary Murphy back on the judge table this season. Although I hope Mia Michaels comes back to choreograph something season.
Nigel gets distracted while introducing Melanie and Marko's reprise of their Napoleon and Tabitha routine. Remember? It's the one with the kiss in the middle of it. I know it felt like Melanie got contemporary every week, but she's pretty good at N&T's style of hip hop. Just because she's awesome at it doesn't mean it's cheating to give it to her. When they're done, Nigel makes a big point of sitting on Jesse's lap. Jesse doesn't seem to mind all that much.
Robin's turn. She introduces the Tadd and Lauren (from last season, not Gottlieb) dance where Tadd lost his hat. That's not what she calls it, but that's what I remember about it. It's by Mandy Moore and uses "Another One Bites the Dust" to allegedly tell a story about bank robbers or something. I'm kind of surprised I can remember the story of this dance, since it's not at all evident in the dance.
Cat adorably covers some technical glitches by blaming gremlins. Give her the Emmy! And with that out of the way, we get a montage of the ridiculous storylines the choreographers feel obliged to make up to explain their dances. I don't think it's a coincidence that some of the least popular dances this season have had really complicated stories attached to them. The important part, as far as I'm concerned, is that at one point we get to see the reverse angle of the rehearsal space and see the camera and sound guys. I think the lesson of this sequence is that choreographers are awesome at body movement but don't necessarily make a lot of sense when they're talking.
Speaking of which, C takes awhile to get around to introducing Robert and Miranda doing that woodpecker dance by Napoleon and Tabitha. Yeah, this was a good dance. It's the first one that doesn't have any of the finalists. There's still no sign of the dance's story, which, if I remember correctly, was Robert (as a woodpecker) teaching Miranda (another woodpecker) to fly. It's fun, but I'm not sure "amazing" is quite right. Nor is "bucc." Robert busts out the Hulkamania hand-to-ear gesture, which I enjoy a lot. Nice work, Robert!
Cat gets to pick a routine? Yay! And she introduces the Top Eight Circus Routine by Tyce DiOrio. I thought this was okay, I think. I love the aesthetics of it, but the ropes are just kind of dangling there and aren't being put to all the use they could be. Still, I love that Cat gets to have her favorite dance done for her, and it's nice that the show brings back all of its contestants for things like this. See how nice this episode is? Just a lot of dancing and fond reminiscing without all the nastiness and backbiting you get from a reunion show. When they're done, they cut back to Cat, who appears to be standing exactly where she was. They didn't do this dance live, did they? That's kind of disappointing.
Special guest star! Matt Flint, the winner of SYTYCD UK is here. Part of his prize was to be on the US show. And he's a tapper, which means that the UK is a very different place. He's with Jess and Nick. Jess pulls off a triple-heelclick, which I believe is very difficult. The dancing is impeccably recorded so we can hear every tap, unlike that stepping routine last night. Mark gets a kiss from Cat at the end of the dance. Say! Nigel insists that it was one of the most exciting tap routines he's ever seen. He even brings up the Nicholas Brothers, which is going a bit too far in my opinion. It was good, but...come on. Watch this and you tell me.
Anyway, Mary would like us to watch Melanie and Neil being awesome. I am happy to, Mary! I'm always up for a little Bonnie Tyler-backed awesomeness. As good as Melanie was in that hip hop routine earlier, she was born to flit around in a gauzy white dress. Her full-speed jump into Neil's arms looks even stronger this time out.
It's time for Jesse Tyler Ferguson! Sonya, sitting to him, won't look at him, so he's probably introducing a Sonya dance. He is! It's the one that made Marko's mother cry. With Allison? Lady Gaga was there? She cried? Look, we recapped the whole season, so I'm sure it's in there somewhere. It was good, I promise. Sonya claps politely, which is much more restrained than she usually is when she's cheering and whooping out in the audience.
Tyce now introduces another Sonya dance, and she looks shy. It's the Top Ten Geisha routine. You know what this show has a lot of? Dancing. Except for the occasional goofy video piece, it's packed with dancing from edge to edge. After the dance is over, Cat tells us that Sonya was yelling the whole time. I love how enthusiastic she is while watching her own work.
Remember last night? Melanie and Marko had a disco dance that wasn't all that great. Sasha danced with Mark Kanemura and it was one of my favorite dances all year. Tadd tried to keep up with Joshua in hip hop. Melanie flitted around in a gauzy dress with Robert. Sasha and Marko danced to Ella Fitzgerald. Sasha and Tadd did a cha cha that I thought had very little cha cha in it. Marko and Lauren twirled around enthusiastically. Melanie and Tadd did a jazz number that involved sock garters. Melanie and Sasha did that picket fence dance that was nice but not as nice as the first time they danced together. And Marko and Tadd did a gumboot something that nobody was into.
Somewhere in that last segment, Sasha and Melanie both said that they thought it was really nice that their last dance was with each other. See, even they know that they're the top two.
Oh no! It's time for results already! The top four come out in whatever costumes the dance schedule requires. The girls are in kimonos and the boys are in suits. Cat announces that the fourth-place dancer is Tadd. He takes the news cheerfully and gives out hugs to the rest of the top four. Melanie, Sasha, and Marko almost go the wrong way off the stage, but Cat corrals them and points them down the stairs. Take a moment to think about how much work Cat has to put in, wrangling the dancers in between her regular hosting duties. Tadd's video package runs. It includes shots of him going down stairs on his hands. It also includes judges gushing about how he's a B-Boy. When it's over, Tadd gets flowers and applause.
Cat reiterates that they're live. Not on the west coast, you're not. Anyway, C has another routine to introduce. It's Chris and Ashley with "Please, Mr. Jailer." You guys, you have to see Cry-Baby. This time out, I'm watching Chris more than I was the first time. And I'm pleased to report that he's doing some cool stuff even when you get the past the neat strength moves.
What? There's a special top four dance? Exciting! Except that where there should be choreographers, there are Harry, Heather, and Maya from Glee. They scare the dancers by threatening to make them sing in addition to dancing. But it's just a wacky swerve. This isn't a dance at all! They're here to invite the dancers to the special premiere of the Glee movie. Melanie still has Lady Gaga's shoes, but she appears to have decided not to wear them on the red carpet. Hey, there's Ryan Murphy! And some other people that, not knowing Glee, I don't recognize! None of them are Jane Lynch. At this point, I think things have transitioned into being a pure commercial, so I'm cutting out.
Nigel introduces that Sasha/Twitch routine that was so keen. With the breakfast and the table? Yeah, that one. Twitch apparently rushed back from Step Up 4 to do this. See, at this point in the show, all the pressure is off the dancers so Sasha is free to just dance. I'm sure she's physically exhausted by now, but she can still do that great spot where she does a kip-up and then freezes with her back parallel to the ground. This was one of my favorites this season. I would like to see more Christopher Scott routines, please.
Sonya gets to introduce a routine! And it's the Top Ten Guys one with the doors. By Christopher Scott! So since there was a new Top Twenty dance and the girls also had the top ten dance, that means that every contestant who made it out of Vegas got to do at least two dances. Nice! This dance looks cool, by the way. Hey, it's Wadi! Hi, Wadi!
Cat orders everyone off the stage and keeps the show moving. Jesse gets to introduce another dance! He admits that he doesn't understand any of Mary's ballroom lingo. Then he calls Miriam and Leonardo "Meerkat and Leonardums," which is awesome. Then he mimes shooting at someone's feet to make them do an Argentine tango. "Dance for Jesse. Dance!" It's Caitlin and Pasha and it's very nice. Although, as usual, I have to assume that all the nuance is utterly lost on me. Jesse looks very pleased as he leads the standing ovation.
We've got thirty minutes to go. We have two more dances to go. Mary introduces Marko and Melanie's first dance. Travis Wall's statue dance! Oh, I remember this being good. Let's watch! Hey, it really is good. Melanie (yes, in a gauzy white wrap) has such great control. And Marko's so in sync with her. It's just lovely. And when it breaks out into the more aggressive movements in the middle? Chilling. Just great. They have less makeup on this time, so they look less like stone statues. It doesn't matter.
And now, since Melanie and Marko are on the stage anyway, it's time to bring Sasha out to cut one more person. Sasha is more poised than the other two because she didn't just finish a big emotional dance. The person out is Marko, so the top two are Sasha and Melanie. Just like everyone said. They share a hug and Marko cheers for them. Marko's video package makes him look like a nice guy. Which probably isn't all that hard, I guess. Melanie looks like she's crying as she and Sasha applaud for him. He thanks his family. Melanie's definitely crying. I think Sasha's joking with her to try to break her out of it.
The final dance is introduced by Nigel. But first, he insists on praising the lighting director (Bob Barnhart) and the director (Nicky Parsons). That's fair. As far as I can tell, they do a great job. Then he gets all defensive about an article in the New York Times. Now, did you notice how Tadd wasn't in any dances after he was cut? Well, if there's only one dance left and it has to be a great dance from this season and the only two dancers left in the competition are Sasha and Melanie, it's obvious what it's going to be: Sasha and Melanie doing that Sonya Tayeh dance from a couple weeks ago. And it is! Yay! I liked this one a lot, too. I wonder if the dancers noticed that the order of the dances totally gave away who the fourth-place and third-place dancers would be.
Okay, we're down to Sasha and Melanie alone on the stage with Cat. They share an embrace and they're both already crying. I'm misting up a bit myself. Can't they both win?
There's a commercial break to let them breathe and they come back on stage. Cat fixes Sasha's microphone pack (she does everything!) and insists on showing a Top Two video while the girls look seconds away from completely breaking down. There's a lot of footage of both of them from the auditions, although Sasha got more screen time during Vegas. Apparently that whole "girls are beasts" thing is down to Debbie Allen, who gave that nickname to Melanie. I bet she regrets that now! This video is going on a little long. I hope we have time for a winner to be announced.
We're back! They're wiping away tears and holding hands. The second-place finisher got 32% of the vote and the winner got 47%. The winner is... Melanie! Fireworks! Confetti! Tears and hugging! Sasha is given flowers and led off to a wonderful life full of dancing and happiness. Melanie can gasp out a "Thank you!" and makes a little heart with her hands. And she gets a hug from Cat! All the contestants swarm onto the stage and lift Melanie onto their shoulders. She seems pleased.
So there you go: all hail Melanie, queen of dance!
Monty is okay with this decision. Follow him on Twitter: @montykins.