Opening scenes with a bunch of clips from last year, I presume. 69 million votes? That's like everyone in Canada voting twice and still adding millions more. We watch a bunch of highlights, which are all new to me. They include a guy who does a flip and moves his legs like he's walking whilst doing so. Is it always like this? Because that, frankly, was pretty cool. And we're promised that this year is going to be even sexier, with more talent. Beats "this year, it's going to be dowdier with a bunch of stiffs" for generating excitement about your show, I suppose. This is when, with the backing of the ridiculously amazing Go! Team, we segue into clips from the upcoming season. I think I may be hallucinating, because it couldn't possibly have been the case that some dancer pretends to give birth to a teddy bear. And then there's some guy with red glasses who argues with Nigel, and makes me worry that this show, like its older brother American Idol, sometimes has semi-retarded people on and pretends they're not for the purposes of mocking them.
Many clips of the audition cities, Chicago, Los Angeles, Atlanta, Whitehorse, Yukon, and requisite enthusiastic people mugging for camera time by backflipping and the like. We're going to start in New York, which is, says Cat, the "dance capital of the world." Someone gives Cat Deeley a little dip. Some guy in a red leotard twirls and rams into a wall plastered with 300 posters.
Cat explains how this show works, which is of benefit to anyone who's never watched a reality show before. Apparently this involves culling a large audition group into a top 20 and then systematically eliminating dancers until we're left with the best one. Huh. Interesting strategy!.
Mary and Nigel are joined in New York by hip-hop/pop choreographer Dan Karaty, and Nigel hits on Mary as they take their seats for the first audition.
We meet "Dancing Derrick," who earned the cryptic nickname because he likes to dance. Please, tell us more! Cat Deeley has trouble remembering Derrick's name, even though it's written on his shirt. He looks like a young Donny from that old X-Files episode. Derrick says, "Yo, what it be, what it be," for some reason. Cat, who is relentlessly perky and breathless, brightly tells us he's got "endurance." Derrick dances to that "I Like to Move It" song. It's a lot of spastic hopping, like he thinks he's auditioning for So You Think You Should Be In An 'A Night at the Roxbury' Sketch. He basically collapses after just one minute; so much for his claims of "endurance." Derrick is all flop sweat afterwards, but he proclaims, "Dancing is my life," barely able to gasp the words out, and blames the song choice. He tries to adjust future excuses to what the judges say, but it's goodbye to Derrick, at least on-stage. Off-stage we see him actually being given OXYGEN from a paramedic, and we leave on a cliffhanger note, wondering if Derrick fucking LIVED or not.
So up -- OH GOD NOT EVANSECENCE WHY DID I AGREE TO DO THIS SHOW? Fortunately, the dancer who chose this song, "Tiffany," sucks, and the judges can't think of anything nice to say, and Tiffany, I swear to God, decides she'll open a restaurant instead. If she's as good at that as she is at dancing, I hope her customers all enjoy botulism.
Some odd pseudo-ballet/interpretive dance with a woman with black and pink hair playing the part of "Jesus," which is all that needs to be said about that.
Since a few pussy New Yorkers complain about how cold it is, even though there is no snow and you can't even see their breath, Cat smoothly segues that Pasha and Anya will "bring the heat," and they haven't even started yet when Nigel is proclaiming Anya "so sexy." I agree, but unlike Nigel I manage to refrain from apparently actually jacking it while watching the two of them dance. They're really good. I don't know what they're doing. Tango? Salsa? Whatever, it's good. I warn you now, I know nothing about dance. I expect I'm going to learn, though. Nigel zips himself up and says, "That was so hot," They're sent right through to Vegas, and Mary yells at them and calls them the best ballroom dancers they've ever had on this show.
Afternoon in New York now, and we've hit a "rich vein" of talent. A woman in purple gets through. There are break dancers, and a endless procession of people getting sent through to Vegas. Somehow, we get from thousands left over to just a few left in the evening.
Heather Zamphier, 25, from Solomon's Island, Md., says she's addicted to "tattoos," only at first I thought she said "cashews." She's had hip surgeries that meant she shouldn't dance anymore, but that would be like killing herself, or something. She loves tigers, so much so she has one tattooed on her torso. She seems nice enough, and dances pretty well as far as I can tell. Nigel asks about her hip surgeries, and Mary calls her a miracle, and Dan says she woke him up and "attacked the stage," and they send her to Vegas, and she's really sweetly excited by it.
At the end of Day 1, thirty-two dancers have made it through. Then we get a montage of Nigel throwing out some dance terms to auditioners, some of whom can perform the Russian jeté or whatever, some of whom can't. No one is asked to do The Sprinkler, so I'd be shit out of luck. The magic of editing makes Dan look really baffled by what Nigel is on about it, because he's just all hip-hop, y'all! We return to Dancing Derrick, who demonstrates moves like "Airplane Turbulence" "Land The Plane" and "The Toothbrush." They're as awe-inspiring as they sound.
Jenna Dejosia, 21, from Blue Point, N.Y., "knows she can dance," and we're spending an awful lot of time with her for someone whom we already saw just before commercial crying and cursing out Nigel, so we know where this is going. She can't even keep her balance as she attempts to leap and spin for the judges. Dan asks if she's ever been taught the proper way to break, and she says yes, and then Mary lowers the boom by asking her if she's saving it for another time. Then we find out she's a dance teacher, so Nigel breaks his promise to himself that he wasn't going to be mean. She stomps off stage, cries and swears, and tops off her overall crappiness with the always lovely "he should go back where he came from."
Chasmar Wells, 18, from Rochester is all angles and camouflage pants. The judges don't like him, and flat-out laugh at him. Melissa Browne, 21, from Schenectady flails about alarmingly until Nigel calls her a dancing version of Ugly Betty. D'oh! That's on ABC, Nigel!
Hanna-Lee Sakakibara, in addition to being the place where Puff the Magic Dragon comes from, grew up in Israel, and worked as a dancer at weddings (?) and "events," and was dancing at a wedding when the floor collapsed, and we see it, on harrowing home video. She fell three-and-a-half stories and was partially buried in rubble. Twenty-four people were killed. Three-hundred and fifty people were injured. Her jaw and nose were broken, and she has metal plates in her face. She dances in a red halter top and short denim shorts. Unfortunately, she's not great, and Dan's not interested, but Mary and Nigel are perhaps a little more willing to acknowledge the whole degree of difficulty involved in being partially buried in rubble when a building collapses, and want to see her in choreography.
Jamal Weaver is a hip-hop dance instructor, who's here with some of his crew. Earnest "E-Knock" Phillips does a whole lot of breaking and flipping and running around and jumps off the stage at some point. I think there was confetti involved. Dan says everyone else should take notice. Nigel hopes he can handle choreography. Then Jamal takes the stage and, despite his enthusiasm, kind of stinks up the place. He claims to also do swing, and looks terrified when Nigel suggests he quickly work up a swing routine and come back.
Speaking of swing dancers, we have Joél Bernabel, with round-framed, yellow-lensed glasses. And he's dancing with his ex-girlfriend Carmen E. Lugo, and he whines about the relationship being over and says he's trying to be strong, and she chirps about how they're friends. Then we listen to that one swing song that everybody knows. They're terrible. I danced better than this at my wedding. I guess it's a fortunate thing they won't have to dance at their wedding. Joel threatens/promises to come back year. His ex is apparently a dance instructor. How does this happen? Outside, they're asked if they're going to get back together after this. Joel says he doesn't know. Carmen's face says she does know, and the answer isn't yes. They walk away, with him wearing some kind of backpack stereo. Maybe he's a Transformer!
Katie Watts is a dance instructor, and she's here with one of her students, who is bigger and taller than she is. Ashley Keegan is the student, and she wears some black bikini thing with a white furry top that she soon removes while she slithers around the stage. Her legs are about eight feet long. The judges all like her and send her right on to Vegas. up is the teacher, Katie, who pretty much all the same moves in the same basic outfit (although her little half-top isn't furry), and she gets sent through to Vegas too, despite being so much shorter than Ashley that she only comes up to Ashley's mid-thigh. They hug because they're under the illusion that both of them can win!
Stanislav Savich was in the Top 20 last year, and he's back, dancing with his sister this time, Faina Savich. They're really good. This is how I would've danced at my wedding if I wasn't a) a lousy dancer and b) too lazy to practice. Nigel grossly tells Stanislav about his sister's sexiness. The judges praise them effusively and send them straight through to Vegas.
Jamal's back with a swing routine, which he's going to do with E-Knock. Jamal basically just vibrates because he's waiting for that horn part to kick in for that ONE SWING SONG again. What his dancing makes up for in swingy-ness he makes up for in enthusiasm, and at one point grabs E-Knock and swings him around and under his legs. Nigel calls him a "star," even if he's not sure he'll remain that way, and the judges all want to see more.
A very special treat! I guess? David Kenneth "Sex" Soller is back! He's either faking it or severely deluded. I haven't decided yet. His new motto is "I'm the best." Catchy! Should I not make fun of him? Is this like when American Idol makes fun of borderline-retarded people and we all hate ourselves? No, I just hate this guy, with his grey shirt and teal shorts, running shoes and what appear to be soccer gloves on. The ovation is loud and long for this guy. The judges, who are possibly high, indulge him longer than is strictly necessary, until they grow weary of it. Sex David says Nigel should have more respect for people who audition, and Nigel points out, correctly, that Sex David is the one who doesn't have any respect for the auditioners and throws him off the stage. David yells, "Sex is back!" Then Nigel pointlessly argues with Sex's crazy mom (whom Nigel calls "Mrs. Sex"), and she looks exactly like David, which is depressingly not very surprising. He tells the pair of them not to come back year. Try not putting them on again this year! Oh, too late.
Here's what drives me crazy about these shows: we just spent the past three hours on Sex David, and now have to whip through the choreography round in about thirty seconds, and if you blink, you missed that E-Knock doesn't make it, Jamal does, and Hannah Lee does.
In all, fifty-nine contestants are headed to Vegas. Vegas, baby, Vegas!