This is quite possibly the most insane episode of this show ever. For once, the insanity is on purpose. It all starts with Clark and his friends drinking a bottle of champagne they don't realize is from Zatanna. The charmed bubbly turns everyone into fun-loving morons as they head off to bachelor and bachelorette parties for the future Mr. and Mrs. Kent. The thing you know, everyone's waking up with killer hangovers and no memory of what happened the night before. Chloe wakes up in Clark's closet dressed like Madonna's "Like a Virgin" video. The two of them spend most of the episode thinking they've married each other, due to the rings on their fingers and half a marriage license bearing Chloe's name. Lois and Oliver wake up on train tracks. Oliver's in a lime green tuxedo and Lois is down one engagement ring and up a poker chip, which she finds nestled in her bra. Emil Hamilton is an overnight Elvis-impersonating sensation and Tess is his go-go girl sidekick.
The subplots converge over a missing armored truck that some thugs accuse Emil of stealing. Clark's the one who actually stole it, but it turns out he was just taking it away from the thugs who were running some kind of insurance scam for a casino. As it happens, it's the very same casino where Lois got the chip after losing her ring at the tables. She and Oliver are kidnapped but escape by pretending to be showgirls. Yes, both of them don sequined bikinis and shake what their mamas gave them. Chloe and Clark rescue Emil, Oliver and Lois get her ring back and everything returns to normal.
Well, sort of. Chloe decides that her life's calling is to nurture budding superheroes (she mentions the future Batman and Wonder Woman, though not by name). She decides to become a reporter by day in Star City as part of her new identity. Just when it looks like she's going to break up with Oliver, we find out that they were the ones who got married and it looks like he's going with her, at least for now.
Also, there is a lemur.
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There is no "previously on Smallville" this week because it's really better if you don't remember that everyone is kind of in imminent danger. Impending doom is just such a party pooper. Instead, things start off at the Kent farmhouse. It's night. Lois descends the stairs all gussied up in smart black heels and a leopard-print dress that, while certainly figure-flattering, is not nearly as skimpy as one might expect, given this show's history with Lois's wardrobe. She's also got some big, heavy-looking gold earrings that look like door knockers and are kind of distracting. Clark is sipping some champagne in the kitchen and looks up just in time to see her coming down. "Wow, you look great," he says, genuinely stunned. She thanks him. "It never hurts to change it up a little bit," she says. "Except for the ring. Never gonna take that off!" She calls it her "sparkly little ball and chain," which makes Clark chuckle. Clark teases her about her girls' night out and she says her swingin' single past is behind her. Her earrings swing in enthusiastic agreement. She starts babbling about all the wedding being so "wedding-y." It sounds like the beginning of a long Lois spiel, but Tess and Chloe pop into the kitchen to save us all. They, too, have their finery on. Chloe's got on an olive silk halter and skinny skirt, while Tess has on a pewter-colored strapless number that I feel like we've seen before. Is she living at the farm now? Maybe she borrowed it from Lois. Anyway, Chloe produces a glittery tiara and tulle veil, which she and Tess clip to Lois's up-do. "This is actually not bad," Lois says. "I actually thought I'd be spending the entire night handcuffed to a blowup doll while wearing a dog collar." Clark gives her a mild look of confusion. Earth customs are so strange. Lois looks forward to all the free drinks her getup will earn her.
The girls giggle their way into the living room, where Oliver and Emil are waiting. Chloe pulls Clark aside for a moment, remarking on how happy he is. He puts his arm around her shoulder and gives her a squeeze. Why is it so rare that we see any of the friends on this show acting like actual friends? Clark tells her it wouldn't be the same without her. She laughs in agreement. Clark looks out over the room at his little gathering of friends. "I just wish I could freeze this moment in time forever." Man, don't say things like that on this show. You're likely to end up frozen for real. Luckily, this isn't that kind of episode... this time. Oliver announces that the limo has arrived. It should be noted that even though Clark is planning on spending an evening out on the town, he is not wearing his new glasses. Oliver suggests a toast before they leave and hands Chloe a champagne flute. Emil records everything on his little camera. Chloe raises her glass. "To the bride and groom," she says. Then she thinks about it for a second. "You know what? To friends. You two amazing people have been the best friends I ever could have asked for." She gestures at Oliver to include him. "We want you to know that we are here for you, to support you as you begin your 'happily ever after' adventure." Everybody clinks their glasses together and downs some bubbly. The camera pans over to the champagne bottle nestled in its ice bucket. There's a metal crest on the side of the bottle. It looks like turtle roadkill with fleurs-de-lis. That's probably not what it is. Everyone laughs in the background.
thing you know, Clark is conked out in bed. Sadly, he is not snoring or drooling or being anything other than pretty. He even has a slight smile on his face. For some as-yet-unknown reason, the suit he was wearing in the scene has been replaced by a disheveled tuxedo. A sound begins to make its way though the fog of Clark's unconsciousness. It sounds like... chewing. Someone or something is nibbling crunchy treats of some kind. Clark slowly opens his eyes, smacks his lips and sees a very sloppy S-shield seared into the ceiling directly above him. The lower half of his face smiles while the upper half frowns. He has no time to figure out the graffiti, because he's just realized that there is a lemur perched on his abdomen. The lemur is wearing a light blue vest and a matching bandolier, with a jaunty little kerchief knotted around his neck. He is nibbling a potato chip and looking around the room like it's no big deal. This one time he got drunk on banana schnapps and ended up as part of a Lady Gaga costume for a week. Clark sits up with a start, dislodging the lemur. As he stumbles out of bed, the room starts to spin. He looks like he's going to vomit. Given his abilities, one hopes it's not projectile. The room is a mess. Propped up against the wall is an inflatable palm tree that may or may not be normal décor. As Clark rubs at his face, he notices that there's a band on his wedding ring finger. He slowly blinks at it for a while, then hears something crash in his closet. With an unusual amount of caution, he opens the door.
Inside is a woman who has apparently spent the evening asleep on the closet floor, her feet propped up against the door. She is mostly buried in layer upon layer of white tulle ruffles. She rocks forward into a sitting position, her identity obscured by the voluminous wedding veil she's wearing. Clark peers at this mystery woman. Perhaps his X-ray vision isn't working, because his move is to gingerly raise her veil. "Chloe!" The now-recognizable blond frowns up at him. "Clark?" She's as surprised to see him as he is to see her. Ever the gentleman, he offers her a hand up. "What did you do?" he asks. Except, because he's hung over, it sounds like, "Whajoo do?" She doesn't have an answer for that. She looks like she tastes and/or smells something horrible. Also, the rest of her bridal outfit consists of a white bustier, fingerless lace gloves and many layers of jewelry. Clark grabs her left hand, which now bears a wedding band. He gapes at it, then holds up his hand for comparison. "What did we do?" Chloe asks. The lemur pelts the bride and groom with celebratory chip crumbs. Clark makes like Picard and facepalms. Somebody save them! Actually, don't save them. It's more fun to watch them flounder.
After the teaser, the poor lemur is relegated to the closet. "Stay!" Clark orders him. Chloe shuts the closet door as the little guy is looking up at them with yellow button eyes. "He can just hang tight in there while we figure this out," she says. She thinks for a second, then grabs the bag of chips and tosses it into the closet. Man, there is going to be so much lemur diarrhea in Clark's shoes before the day is over. Clark stares at his rumpled bed. He starts to wonder if he and Chloe did you know what with each other, but Chloe keeps cutting him off. She doesn't even want to consider the possibility that they've consummated their apparent marriage. Also, they're both still fully clothed, so at worst it was a dry hump. Chloe rips off her veil and tosses it at Clark before stomping down the stairs.
Clark follows after her. "What if these are just costumes?" he asks, grasping at straws. Chloe scoffs. "Right, we went to a costume party dressed like the top of a wedding cake?" She adds a "Clark!" said in the tone of "you idiot!" They stop in their tracks when they get a look at the living room. There's a wagon wheel in one corner of the room. Toilet paper streamers decorate the banister. All the pictures are askew on the walls. Other items of note include a toy cactus, whiskey bottles and the big metal "LC" from the LuthorCorp building. Chloe takes it all in and struggles to stay calm. Clark says he has no memory of the night before, which is weird, because alcohol doesn't normally affect him. "Must be more than champagne in these bottles," he says. Chloe grabs the card that's lying to the ice bucket. "'Congrats, Clark. You deserve a real party. Hugs, Zatanna.'" Apparently, neither of them realized the champagne was a gift from the naughty magician before guzzling it down. Clark realizes Zatanna must have put a spell on it. To what end? If she wanted Clark to cut loose and enjoy himself, she could have just removed the stick that's been lodged up his ass. Chloe snarks about the gift coming with a memory wipe. Clark worries about Oliver and the others. He hears a cell phone ringing and follows the sound past an orange construction barrel to an upright piano. Man. Drunk Clark is fun. He grabs the phone from under the keyboard cover and answers with a panicked "Lois!" Except it's not Lois, but someone calling to tell him they've found his wallet downtown.
Also downtown is a stretch limo that is an affront to good taste. It is some manner of red SUV with steer horns for a hood ornament. Its sides are plastered with pink and white carnations and scrawled "just married" signs. Chloe and Clark stare at the vehicular monstrosity with growing dread. Chloe looks like she wants to throw up. "If your wallet was on the hood of the car, that throws the costume party theory out." The driver's nowhere to be seen, so they decide to have a look around. Clark trips over the string of tin cans tied to the back bumper. Chloe opens the door and peers inside. Her assessment: "Whoa." She gets an eyeful of pink feather boas, leopard-print cushions and empty booze bottles. From outside, Clark says he got a text from Lois last night. He sounds in better spirits at once. Then he reads her message: "'I just need more time.'" The big galoot is crestfallen. He worries that she doesn't want to be found. Chloe finds a pair of men's pants, makes an "ew!" face, then surfaces to stomp out the flaming bag of poo that is Clark's insecurity. With some exasperation, she says that Lois is not going to get wedding jitters. Clark mopes about Lois leaving town the first time he kissed her, or going off to Egypt when she realized he was the Blur. Chloe says that their relationship is at a different level now and that Lois knows Clark is "the one." "Besides that," Chloe says, "weddings just aren't that scary." So says the woman who was abducted from her own wedding by Doomsday. Clark realizes that Chloe is holding Emil's pants. How he knows them on sight is a mystery. Chloe digs a bit and comes up with half a marriage certificate. "It's missing one of the names," she says. Then she gets a look at the name that is there: "Holy matrimony, that's my signature." Chloe looks even queasier now. "Clark, we really are married." Clark gets the bright idea to find Emil, since he was the only one not drinking. Clark super-zips away...
...right into the corner of the nearest building. He falls into the street. Chloe winces and scampers after him. Lucky for him no one saw his smooth move. "Chloe, this killer headache is affecting my abilities," Clark says, bracing himself on a lamppost. "This might be more difficult than I thought." The universe decides to cut him a break and sends him a clue in the form of two teen girls who seem to have arrived in Metropolis by way of Harajuku. They are both wearing shirts that bear Emil's name and likeness -- or a likeness of him dressed as Vegas Elvis. Chloe stops them and asks where they got the shirts. In answer, one of the girls holds up her MP3 player to show Chloe a video of Emil singing to an adoring crowd. "One night and he's already famous," Clark says. "Well, Emil always was an overachiever," Chloe says. She sends Clark off to deal with Emil while she calls Oliver. Clark nods and walks away at a much slower pace this time.
Nameless club. Emil's singing an uptempo number that is vaguely (very vaguely) reminiscent of Elvis. It has something to do with friends and shooting people or something like that. The phrase "how do we do" is repeated a lot. Apparently, it's cheaper to write your own song than buy the rights to use a real one. After a few moments singing solo, Emil is joined on stage by Tess, whose outfit seems to be one part '60s housewife, one part go-go dancer. Clark walks into the club, taken aback by what he sees. "The one guy I counted on remaining sober," he says. After a few seconds, an attractive young woman approaches him. She's wearing a chauffeur's outfit and a knowing smile. "Do we know each other?" he asks. "So you did have fun last night," she flirts. Clark's probably thinking, "Aw crap, how many women did I marry?" Clark decides to change the subject. He's looking for Lois. He says she "probably insulted you more than once." What a charmer your fiancée is, dude. The description definitely rings a bell for the driver. "She was there when I dropped you off, but was gone when I picked you up," she says. Clark stares and furrows his brows into an assortment of shapes. The driver takes pity on him and tells him they were at the "Chapel of Love." Clark is reaching all-new levels of despondency. At this point, two cops barge in calling for Emil by name. "We got some questions about an armored car that was stolen last night," one of them says. They drag him off the stage and cuff him. Emil seems unperturbed by the whole thing. One cop says something about the car "vanishing into thin air." That, unfortunately, sounds familiar to Clark. Tess comes up to him, laughing and calling him "Clarkie." "There's only one person that I know who can make an armored car adios in seconds." She points at him and makes a "pop!" with her lips. Clark's brow knits a sweater.
Our stop on the Hangover Express takes us to a train yard (oh no, now the show's got me doing it) where Lois is fast asleep on the tracks. A lady hobo steals Lois's black patent heels, but at least has the decency to replace them with her own holey boots. As the camera pulls back, we see Oliver snoozing to Lois. He is wearing a tuxedo in quite an appalling shade of light green. He rolls over and drapes his arm across her. He smiles and snuggles into her, eyes still closed. Lois wakes with a start and slaps at his arm. "Hey, watch it, buster!" Luckily, she realizes it's him before going into attack mode. She sits up very gingerly. "Whoa, my head is pounding like a mosh pit... and my mouth tastes like armpit." Heh. And ew. She notices with a pout that she's wearing someone else's shoes. Lois wonders what happened. Oliver, with a goofy yet proud laugh, says they "survived the world's greatest bachelor party." She says she'd rather be waking up to Clark, who she describes as "a little taller, darker and a different kind of handsome" than Oliver. Neither of them can remember how they got there. Lois remarks on Oliver's hideous suit. He looks down at himself and giggles. Both of them are surprised they could have ended up like this, given their usual alcoholic fortitude. Oliver pats himself down and realizes he doesn't have his phone. His reaction: "Oopsie!" Hee. Lois, too, can't find her phone. Oliver suggests they find a phone booth and call Clark, but Lois ixnays that idea because she's just realized that her engagement ring is missing, too.
Watchtower. Clark soaks up some healing sunshine while Tess downs a few aspirin. "Any luck on that armored car it looks like I stole?" He gently tries to hurry her along because Emil's in prison. Tess searches online for missing vehicles. She regrets convincing Emil to drink some of the champagne. Yeah, it was a bachelor party! What were you thinking, woman? Clark frets about Oliver and Lois, too. He asks if they've used their credit cards or cell phones. Tess replies in the negative. Chloe walks in with coffee for everyone. Clearly she has her priorities straight, because she went to pick up some java before changing out of her wedding attire. "Whoa," she says when she sees Tess. "Looks like your 'get up and go-go' has long gone." Ugh. Also, Tess looks tired but otherwise pretty good. She asks if Chloe would like to take over the research, but Chloe declines with a smile. It's a subtle torch-passing moment and Chloe doesn't even look tempted to take the reins. She turns to Clark and fills him in: "So, no sign of Oliver and I just tried calling the Chapel of Love; no answer." Tess pipes up with info about an armored car that was reported missing last night. She activates the car's alarm system remotely and tells Clark to "listen for a high-pitched tone." He focuses, shuts out the rest of the world and picks up on a muffled beeping noise. "I hear it!" he tells them. "Yeah, I can, too," Chloe says. "You're beeping," Tess chimes in. Chloe pats down his jacket pockets and comes up with the alarm's remote control. Clark takes it back and speeds off, this time without crashing through any walls.
He blurs back home and finds the missing van in the barn, perched haphazardly atop a pile of various farm implements. He clicks the remote, silencing the plaintive wail of the van's alarm system. Clark opens one of the doors and stacks of money tumble out. Clark gapes.
Wrong Side of the Tracks. Lois and Oliver are hoofing it. Lois snarks about the "sweet smell of sewage" clearing her head. Oliver tells her not to worry: "Clark's with Chloe; he'll take care of her, too." How does he know Clark and Chloe are together if they have no memory of the night before? Lois's current worry is her ring. She pouts at her "no-longer-engaged hand." Oliver points out quite logically that she's still engaged. He promises to buy her an identical ring. "Problem solved!" he says chipperly. Lois isn't keen on that idea. It would not only be lying but, hey, Oliver's her ex. There's probably some kind of bad marriage karma or something. Lois works up a head of steam about the ring and its symbolism and her future with Clark and how she's waited her whole life for "someone who would get this wacky world view" and so on and so forth. She's down on herself for losing it. Oliver, once again the advocate of logic, says that Clark will understand. Lois is firmly against telling Clark. She starts pulling and prodding at her bra. "You gotta relax," Oliver says. "You're starting to do that twitchy thing that you do." "I'm not twitching, there's something stuck in my bra!" "That's not my territory anymore," he tells her. Heh. She pulls out a casino chip and goes "cha-ching!" Also heh. It's from the Fortune Casino, she says. Oliver thanks Lois's "pointer sisters" for pointing them to a clue about their night's whereabouts. If I were them, I'd assume that the person who stole her shoes also stole her rock, but whatever.
Watchtower. Clark has returned. "I can't believe on my first drunken night out I lose Lois, commit a felony and land my friend in jail!" "So reckless," he adds in a whisper. Tess smiles sympathetically and says it's very human of him. I dunno. I'm human and the worst thing I usually do when tipsy is sing bad karaoke. Chloe tries to cheer him up, saying that when this kind of thing happens to other grooms, his friends rally around him. This... probably doesn't happen to many other grooms. Speaking of rallying: Chloe's been a busy little bee, going down to the police station. There's no Emil, and his name hasn't even shown up on any arrest records. Clark's hungover brain realizes those cops weren't really cops.
One of the phony cops is currently beating the snot out of a bound Emil in the storage room of some as-yet-unknown establishment. The phony cop wants the money. A new guy enters the scene: "One more Elvis cover out of you, and you'll be eating those blue suede shoes." The shoes appear to be white pleather, but the point is taken. Also, the new guy looks kind of like Ben Kingsley and is wearing a suspiciously feminine diamond ring on his left pinky. (Presumably he's Amos Fortune, so let's call him that.) There's more Elvis-related conversation and then a death threat if Emil doesn't give back the money. Emil protests that he's already told them he didn't steal the armored car. "It was Lady Luck that brought you to me," Fortune says. "I mean, what are the odds that you would be an overnight sensation on the same night that I was looking for you?" Emil's brain almost explodes from the stupidity of it all. "Post hoc ergo propter hoc," he says. "It's a fallacy!" It's also Smallville writing, dude. Just go with it. Fortune has his thugs turn Emil toward a TV and plays back a surveillance recording. The van is parked in an alley (people gotta stop doing that) when Chloe in her wedding garb prances into the shot, squealing, "A monkey! Hee!" Her drunken friends join her, as do three armed thugs. "Watch this," Clark says, whooshing away with the van. The friends, including Emil, all cheer and laugh. Emil is stunned. "I don't know what burns me more," Fortune says. "The fact that you took my money or the fact that you took my lucky lemur." The lemur couldn't have been that lucky for you if your money still got stolen. Emil thinks that "someone" was actually trying to prevent a robbery. The thugs in the video are the same thugs who grabbed Emil. No one told Emil you're not supposed to tell the bad guys that you're onto them. "Break him," Fortune says to the thugs. Emil looks like he's going to poop his Elvis suit, thank you very much.
Fortune Casino. Oliver and Lois have followed her boobs to this place. It looks like someplace your grandma's church friends would go on Saturdays. Actually, scratch that. This place is too tame for that. Hardly anyone is drinking, no one is smoking and the floor is more brightly lit than Denny's at midday. Oliver guesses Lois would have been playing Black Jack, and Lois agrees, citing her record as "three-time champion at Fort Dix." A wave of dread comes over her. She wonders if she bet her ring. Oliver doesn't think she'd do that. A guy with Wayne Newton hair and a bolo tie comes up behind her. "I thought I told you never to come back here." Lois probably gets that a lot. Oliver says she lost her ring, but Wayne says she bet it. "She was rakin' it in, trash-talkin' the boss, so he won the ring off her." Except for the part with the ring, it sounds like a normal night out for Lois. Wayne tries to get her to leave, but Lois refuses. She thinks she only would have bet the ring if it were a sure thing. See, that's why it's called "gambling." She accuses Wayne's boss of stacking the decks. Wayne, who must be new to villainy, glances around in shame-faced silence. Lois catches sight of the boss sitting at one of the tables, wearing her ring. He's Fortune Kingsley, of beating Emil fame. Lois fumes. She pushes up her sleeves. "Here comes the bride," she says, stomping off towards her target. Oliver's like, "Aw, no," but does nothing to stop her. But before Lois can get to Fortune, one of his guards and Wayne escort her and Oliver off the floor. Meanwhile, four feathered and sequined showgirls take to the casino's tiny stage.
The scene opens with Lois and Oliver backstage, sitting back to back with their wrists taped together. While Oliver struggles against their bonds, Lois pines for her ring. He tries to get her to focus on their more pressing troubles: "You see that pole over there? We're going there." She looks over at a jagged metal bar sticking out of a wall across the room. He coordinates their comical shuffling. As they scoot, scoot, scoot, Lois chides herself again for screwing up. Oliver tells her to ease up on herself. He rubs his taped wrists against the pipe. Lois is nearly crying. "I wanted this to be perfect, and not my normal mess," she says. "We're all a mess," he tells her. He's so patient. Most people would have been at "I can't believe you don't shut up!" by now. Lois says Clark isn't a mess. Ha! Ha ha! "Do you have any idea how much pressure there is being engaged to walking perfection?" she asks. I thought she was engaged to Clark? Where's this Mr. Perfect she's talking about? Oliver finally cuts through the tape and works on freeing Lois. He, too, calls Clark perfection, and expresses some insecurity about fighting crime to him. Let's chalk it up to his trying to make Lois feel better, because I can't recall this ever being an issue for Oliver in the past.
When he gets Lois out of the tape, he goes, "You're free!" in a funny voice. It's sort of unnecessary but also really cute. Oliver thinks they're leaving now, but Lois disabuses him of that notion. She's not going anywhere without her ring. They make for the door, but Wayne and the other guard are just outside. Lois and Oliver duck back inside just as the guards come running for them. Lois blocks the door. Oliver peeks out from behind the stage curtain and sees the girls dancing. More guards watch over the casino's two exits. Oliver reports back to Lois: "We'll be lucky to get out of here alive. I didn't exactly bring my Green Arrow gear to the bachelor party." Surely he could take down a handful of guards. His barf-green jacket would temporarily blind his enemies! Oliver thinks and thinks. He scans the room, looking for something -- anything -- they can use. His gaze falls upon a rack of showgirl costumes. He shrugs helplessly. Lois looks where he's looking. Her expression of utter fatigue matches my own on first viewing. Like, oh goody, another chance to put Lois in a skimpy costume. Couldn't end the season without another one of those!
Chloe and Clark have finally taken the time to put on normal clothes. They've made their way to the casino. How did they know to go there? Let's let Chloe exposit for us: "The facial recognition from the karaoke security footage showed that the fake cops actually have criminal histories linking them to this casino." Clark worries about Emil's safety as a puzzled Chloe glances around and sees nothing but boring people gambling in fairly boring ways. Clark goes off to check out some other part of the casino while Chloe takes in the last performance by the Fortune Showgirls. Chloe recognizes Lois as the third girl who prances out onto the stage. Then the fourth girl steps up, lowers her feathered fan and reveals herself to be none other than... "Oliver?" Chloe gawks at her man, resplendent in his sequined bikini top, matching mini sarong and feathered headdress. His frosty blue eyeshadow, Greta Garbo brows and rouge are done to perfection. Either Lois helped doll him up or he has a whole skill set the show has heretofore not explored. He dips forward, shakes his nonexistent boobs, straightens up, then does it all over again. He's so pleased with himself that he sort of basks in the applause for a moment and then clomps around the stage in his high heels like a transvestite Clydesdale. His tireless hours of fastidious man-scaping have really paid off.
Oliver and the other showgirls make their way down the steps on either side of the stage. The gals mingle with the crowd. "Do something," Lois whispers. Oliver makes a pass by Fortune's table near the stage. Fortune gets a gander at Oliver's statuesque good looks. "Luck be a lady tonight," Fortune says. Snort. That's about all that'll be a lady tonight. Oliver tromps back up onto the stage as Fortune gazes up adoringly at his all muscular splendor. "You put these other hothouse girls to shame!" he says. "Thanks, man," Oliver says with undisguised voice. Fortune looks slightly confused, but not entirely turned off. Oliver looks out into the audience and sees Chloe, who just quirks her brow at him. Fortune follows Oliver's gaze. "It's her! The blond! She's one of the crew that stole the money!" And the one who's about to steal your man!
Lois realizes it's all about to go to hell and tells her cousin to run. The faux Elvis song starts up. While Fortune's attention is elsewhere, Lois dips her fingers into a convenient bowl of melted butter and yanks the ring off Fortune's finger. The ring flies into the air in slow motion. Lois and Fortune both hold their hands up and jostle for position like bridesmaids hoping to catch the bouquet. Oliver sees what's happening and launches himself off the stage in a most unladylike fashion. If you thought you would never see the Green Arrow's crotch in white satin panties, you were dead wrong. He tackles Fortune with such force that it sends the other man hurtling across the room. A guard grabs Chloe from behind, but she fights him off and grabs the two guns from the holster inside his jacket. She kicks him in the gut for good measure. Meanwhile, Lois is crawling around on the floor in search of her ring. Just when she sees it, some unknowing passerby kicks it away. Oliver has taken off his strappy heels and is using them as impromptu weapons. (Every frame I freeze on so that I can type is just... so awesome.) He beats one guard insensible, then goes after another. At one point, Oliver tosses a shoe to one guy, then kicks the guy in the chest while he's busy catching it. Chloe shoots towards one of the guards, missing him either out of good will or accident. Oliver is now contending with a thug who has just ripped his bikini top off. Oliver glances down at his bare torso for a second, then proceeds to beat the guy with his remaining shoe.
A new guy comes in, guns blazing. Chloe shoots at the wagon-wheel chandelier just above him, sending it crashing down on top of him. Lois finally has her ring within reach. She picks it up, gives it a little smooch, and promises never to part with it again. Fortune grabs her by the throat and yanks her onto her feet. "Think I'm gonna let you run off with my lucky ring?" Again, how lucky could the ring be if all this shit is happening to him? Nonetheless, he insists he's such a big winner. Oliver comes up behind him, all, "The only one getting lucky tonight is yours truly." He backhands Fortune and sends him crashing to the floor. Chloe joins them. "Way to go all in, gorgeous," Oliver tells her. Her reply: "Back atcha, hot stuff." Heh.
Emil is still in the storage room with two thugs, still trying to convince them that he doesn't remember anything about the night before. They decide to get him to talk by squeezing his head in a vise. Emil, who must think better under pressure, figures out that Fortune wanted his own truck robbed so he could collect double the insurance money. "I really wish I didn't understand the physics of this," Emil whimpers as the vise tightens against his temples. Everything slows down. Emil's scream is drawn out into a comical "WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRRRRRRR!" Clark busts in and hurls the thugs across the room. Emil cautiously opens one eye, then another. Clark tears the vise apart, freeing him. "I need some answers about last night," Clark says. Emil answers, "Get in line."
Farm. Clark finds Chloe in the hayloft, watching the setting sun. She gives him an amused smile and congratulations him on surviving his bachelor party. He brings up their marriage, but she tells him she finally got in touch with the chapel and they told her it had all been a prank. He's relieved, but: "It was fun while it lasted. Kinda reminded me of the good old days." "Yeah, but your new partner in crime's got you covered," she says. Clark realizes that Chloe's saying goodbye. He knows her too well. She says she hasn't told Oliver yet, but that she "won't let a hero give up his world" for her. Desaad's sloth trial must have gotten to her, because there's been no real indication that Oliver would do that. If Lois and Clark can be together without turning into martyrs, why wouldn't Chloe figure that she and Oliver could do the same? Clark brings up Watchtower, but it no longer presents a temptation for her. She prefaces her future plans thusly: "In every epic tale, there's always one person who believes in the hero first, someone who helps inspire them to greatness." Since she was that person for Clark (she is kinda prideful), she thinks it might be her true calling. She says she wants to find other heroes and to help them realize their potential. She's already met "a billionaire with high-tech toys and a wondrous woman," among others. Wasn't she just last week bummed out about how she's been defining herself by other people and their causes? Clark thinks it sounds amazing, but lonely. Chloe tells him that she's created a double identity for herself. "You're looking at the Star City Register's newest hire! By day, of course." Sadly, we do not get to hear what this new identity of hers is called. Sally Cullivan? Henrietta Heromaker? She'll probably just keep her real name and add a pair of glasses. She and Clark smile at each other in the waning light of day, all golden cheer with a bit of wistfulness. He says he knew she was destined for great things and that he also knows they'll still be in each other's lives. It'll just be off-screen from now on. "You know I'll always be here for you," Chloe says. He nods. "I do." They hug and hug. Man, I hope someone remembered to let that lemur out of the closet.
Watchtower. Emil, back to his subdued wardrobe and sideburns, taps away at a computer. Tess walks by, stops, and gets a sly smile. "Hey, hound dog." He tries to be all stiff and proper about it, but Tess says it was nice to see him showing off his own special powers. It's partly teasing but mostly sincere. Emil relaxes a bit, says he hasn't done anything like that since his wife passed away. "She used to love to hear me sing to her," he says. He goes back to his computer work. Tess studies him in profile for a few moments. "Don't give it up," she says. "She wouldn't have wanted you to." Tess apparently doesn't want him to, either. They look at each other with a note of intensity. Hm. A sudden romance? This probably means one of them is doomed. Maybe both.
The rest of the gang walk through the doors at this point, breaking the budding spell. Tess and Emil blink rapidly and look away from each other. Lois has the video camera from the night before. Tess grabs it, saying it looks pretty damaged. She seems pretty eager for no one to see the footage therein. Luckily, Oliver snags it and Emil starts setting things up for everyone to watch. Chloe and Lois go off to the little kitchen area to pour sparkling cider after everyone expresses a distaste for booze. Lois and Clark have a moment aside. She confesses to him about betting the ring and asks him to forgive her. He hugs her, tells her she's what's important, not the ring. He confesses that he had his own doubts, thinking he'd scared her off. He offers her an out. If all this wedding stuff is getting to be too much for her, he'll understand. "I'm gonna wanna marry you in five days or in five years." Aw. Lois is all choked up. "That was the perfect thing to say." It kinda was. They join their friends around the TV to watch their night's shenanigans.
First up is a scene of Lois putting out a fire at the Kent house. "Sorry, you said you were cold!" a drunken Clark laughs. He peers into the camera, tells Lois she's the love of his life, then grins goofily. "I'm really feelin' this!" Us, too, buddy. , a drunken Oliver brags that alcohol doesn't affect him. He leans on Emil and promptly falls over. Their friends laugh, both in the video and in Watchtower. The scene shows them in the limo, downing more champagne and toasting each other. This leads to Clark and Oliver in a men's room, now in the tuxedos they were wearing earlier. Clark is showing a pair of wedding bands to Oliver, who doesn't seem very impressed. "You're not thinking this through," he says. "How much did these cost you?" "Nothing," Clark says, all innocence. Did he steal them? Mold them from raw ore using his own hands? Oliver thinks they were $20 rings from a vending machine. "She deserves better than -- better than that," Oliver says with a hiccup. Clark has one of the rings on his fingers and splutters with laughter when he can't take it off. The scene has everyone outside with the monstrous limo. Chloe's got on her silly wedding dress. Oliver grabs Lois, asking for her help with something. Well, that explains (sort of) how they wound up together for most of the episode. Clark bounds into the scene with the big LuthorCorp logo we saw earlier. Drunken Clark could not be more pleased with himself, although his sober self is a bit embarrassed. Suddenly, the drunken version points to something off-screen and says, "Monkey." Emil follows him with the camera. There's the now-familiar lemur, sitting shotgun in the not-yet-stolen armored car. Chloe squeals with delight. Ignoring the robbery in progress, Clark makes off with the van, leaving several thugs gaping in confusion. Clark then returns with the lemur on his shoulder. "This is Dr... uh..." "Who?" Chloe suggests. "Lemur," Clark finishes. "Dr. Lemur" sounds like an awesome comic book villain.
Chloe looks sad and slips away from the party. She misses seeing Emil parading around Tess's Daily Planet office in his boxers. Didn't Lionel kick her out? If he hasn't already, he probably will after this. "Show me what you got," Tess's voice calls out from behind the camera. "You can't handle what I got," he says, and demonstrates a few Elvis dance moves. She roars with laughter. He takes the camera back and turns it on her. She's down to her slip. She wiggles suggestively for the camera. Tess in the present fumbles with the camera, trying to turn it off, but not before everyone sees her and Emil making out on her desk.
Chloe heads outside. Oliver's close behind her. She tries to play it casual, but he knows she's leaving again. He's not mad. He's even understanding: "Chloe, I never expected you to sit up in that ivory watchtower for the rest of your life." He gives her a scrap of paper from his jacket pocket. It's the other half of the marriage certificate, listing Oliver Jonas Queen as the groom. Chloe looks up at him, her eyes big and shiny. She holds her half of the certificate to his half and gives a little silent laugh. "I don't know what you're thinking," he says, "but I hope it's not that you're gonna run off without your husband." She looks up at him again, smiling, tears rolling down her cheeks. "You didn't take a job in my home town for nothing," he says. They kiss and give each other adoring smiles. Together, they walk away from Watchtower.
This will probably be one of those episodes that some longtime fans either love or hate. It's goofy, it subverts comics canon, it focuses more on secondary characters than the leads. As a recapper, it was a welcome change of pace. Characters actually seemed to remember they were friends with each other and acted like it. They did stuff instead of just talking about it. It was funny -- on purpose. The rest of the season will most likely be a downer till the end, so enjoy the break while it lasts.
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Tippi Blevins also recaps Nikita. You can reach her at b_tippi@yahoo.com or http://twitter.com/tippib.