Sometimes, the writers get tired of writing Clark as a boring block of pasteurized cheese and break out the red Kryptonite. This is one of those times. Here's the short version of how it went down: Tess is "upgrading" John Corben's Kryptonite-powered heart with some primo red stuff so that he can act as her bodyguard. All the while, Zod's still been pretending to be the Blur and asking Lois to investigate Tess. This leads her to the upgrading lab where things naturally go awry because Lois is a clod, but John saves her because he's not quite as crazy as he was the last time he showed up. She returns the favor by trying to get him to safety. Clark, acting like an insecure, hypocritical douche because Lois won't tell him everything that's going on in her life, traces her whereabouts to the lab, where he accidentally inhales some red K dust. His inhibitions lowered, he knocks around Chloe for keeping a stash of Kryptonite weapons and then joins Zod for some super-powered sightseeing in Seattle. What? It was close to Vancouver! They top it off with a trip to the Fortress of Solitude, where they make googly eyes at each other for a while.
Tess's minions manage to get John back to the secret lab, where Chloe is also nosing around. Lois noses around, too, but Chloe sneakily knocks her out with chloroform to keep her in the dark. Tess and Chloe, in a grudging alliance, send John to the Fortress to save Clark once they figure out that he's totally baked. He succeeds (even though both Clark and Zod blow really, really hard on him) because his Kryptonite-powered heart weakens them. He also stabs Clark with some Kryptonite to neutralize the red stuff, and Clark's all, "Aw, poop, now I have to apologize for being a jackass!" He sets things right with Chloe, but his bromance with Zod is short-lived when Tess reveals that Clark has been sneaking around, helping the Kandorian soldiers. This leads to Zod deciding to share his blood, and this his powers, with his soldiers, who look sort of grossed out by the prospect. John, for his part, makes a romantic bid for Lois, but she's sticking with Clark, and gives him the upgraded red heart as a goodbye present.
In summary: I really miss the relatively straight-forward plots we've had for the two weeks.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what other superbeings have crossed Clark in our guide to the Heroes and Villains of Smallville!
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Tippi Blevins thinks the show needs to find its "edit" button again. You can email her at b_tippi@yahoo.com, or find her on Twitter.
I was talking to a friend a few minutes before the episode started Friday night. He used to watch the show but gave up a long time ago. He asked if he should start watching again. I said, "It's been pretty good the last couple of weeks! You should watch it tonight!" He decided, on my recommendation, to give it a chance. I haven't heard from him since.
The show opens on a mechanical device that looks like a metal travel mug, except instead of coffee it's holding a pulsating red orb. A scientist-type guy reaches out for the device as he speaks in reverent tones: "Ladies and gentlemen, a cybertronic, self-sustaining heart." The device makes whirring and pumping noises. The scientist looks like he's about to start making out with the thing right then and there. A small assembly of white-coated colleagues follows him as he carries the heart through a high-tech lab. From somewhere off-screen, a woman's voice talks about "prepping the subject for the upgrade." The heart device is carried through a plastic curtain and into a room that glows green with an eerie light. At this point, we see through the POV of a camera as it's flicked on. Lois's face comes into focus. She's wearing glasses so I'm surprised I managed to see through her crafty disguise. "OK, my blurry, butt-kicking friend," she whispers into the camera, "you were right. Tess the uber-villainess is up to no good." This should come as a surprise to absolutely no one. Lois tucks then camera -- in the form of a pen -- into the pocket of the white lab coat she's wearing. She continues her narration, going on about how Tess is hoarding lots of "meteor rock." Tense spy music plays as Lois pushes a small medical cart through the lab, angling for the curtain. A guard blocks her path. He glances down at her name badge, which identifies her as one Hank Wu. He calls her on it and she tries to bullshit him about HR being too cheap to make her a proper badge.
Before the guard can kick her ass out of there, the scientists peer back through the curtain to see what the hubbub is about. "Get rid of her," the reverent scientist from earlier says. The guard grabs Lois. The scientists turn back to their work, but their mystery patient's bed is empty. Shackles lay broken on either side. "Oh, my God, he's gone," whispers the main scientist guy. The lab goes into lockdown mode. Alarms sound. People scurry. Lois uses the distraction to throw a few punches at the guard. This doesn't faze him, so she kicks him in the 'nads. You know, Lois, he's just doing his job. You're the one who shouldn't be there. Even though the guard is incapacitated and she could take this time to flee, she kicks him again. He goes crashing into a table. A tank falls to the floor and starts hissing gas. Lois catches sight of a nearby Bunsen burner, its flame now unattended. "Oh, God," Lois moans. She turns and runs as a fireball chases her through the doors. The guard is now either dead or doomed to be Freddy Krueger at every Halloween party for the rest of his life. The blast knocks Lois down an elevator shaft. She falls and falls into a well of darkness. After a moment, a small pulse of green light can be seen in the pitch. A whirring and mechanical pumping can be heard. At the bottom of the elevator shaft, an unconscious Lois is lying in the arms of a revived John Corben. His Kryptonite-powered heart beats as he gazes down at her. Somebody save all those flammable scientists!
The Talon. The marquee helpfully informs us of Super Mocha Mondays. Does that place actually have customers anymore? Lois is asleep in bed when Clark lies down beside her, fully clothed. He kisses her cheek and shoulder. She rolls over and wakes up with a sleepy smile. "How'd you get in here?" she asks. She thinks for a second, then adds, "How'd I get in here?" Clark looks under the covers and sees that she's still mostly dressed. "Must've been some night," he says. She remembers chasing down a lead, but not much more than that. Guess she forgot about all the people she inadvertently flambéed. Clark sees a smudge of red lip-liner on her arm that passes for a gash in these economically trying times. He's immediately concerned. She lies about how she got wounded. She invites Clark to kiss it. Ew, how unsanitary. Clark presses her because she's been gone for over a week. "I know we agreed that a little mystery between us would be good, but I'm worried about you." When she hesitates, he decides to guilt her into telling him the truth: "Come on, I think it would be a good idea if there was nothing between us." You first, super-powered alien. Lois gets about two seconds into changing the subject to seduction when her cellphone rings. She looks at the screen and apologizes to Clark that it's her editor with a possible story and she has to answer it. "It's OK," Clark says, "I wouldn't want you to miss out on something big." I think she just did, if you know what I mean. As soon as Clark heads out the door, Lois answers. Naturally, it's not her editor, but Zod pretending to be the Blur. You know, even with the voice modulator, it doesn't sound remotely like the Blur usually does. Does Lois pick up on this? No. She tells him about Tess's secret lab, but thinks he already knows all about it, since he obviously saved her the night before. "Right?" she prompts. "Yeah," Zod says, like he's swatting away a gnat. "What is she experimenting on?" But Lois is already halfway out the door and doesn't have time to explain right now. She hangs up, leaving a pissed-looking Zod on the other end.
Lois races down the stairs and into the alley behind the coffee shop, calling for Clark, but he's already long gone. She hears a clattering coming from beyond a nearby door. She follows the sound into the Talon's basement storeroom. A man's voice grunts and whimpers. It's at this point I'd probably leave, because I'd be thinking someone was getting lucky. Lois is more persistent than I am, though, and eventually finds John Corben sprawled out on the floor. His hoodie is half unzipped so that the green glow of his mechanical heart shows beneath his T-shirt. Lois, recognizing him, grabs a wrench from a table and strikes a defensive pose. "I gotta hand it to you, Bright Eyes," he says, "you sure got a way of finding trouble." He gasps for breath as he speaks, every word a struggle. Lois isn't exactly happy to see him again. "I just wanted to get you home," he says. "I didn't mean for you to see me." Lois is confused by this, so he explains about waking up on a lab table, being "altered" by the scientists, and now his mind is almost back to normal. "Except for this upgrade," he says, gesturing at the back of his neck. Lois cautiously takes a few steps toward him. He twists his body so that he can show her the small, white input device that's been implanted in the nape of his neck. Lois is horrified. "John, who did this to you? Tess?" "Her scientists did," he says. "I heard them saying something about 'slamming a chip' in the back so they could control everything that I do." Luckily, Lois showed up before they could finish. John's mechanical heart starts whirring and beeping. He grabs at his chest and lets out a strained cry. Lois gets his to focus and he explains that his heart is going to stop if he doesn't refuel with more meteor rock. Lois gives him a determined nod. The thing we see is Lois getting him into her car. "Thank you," he says, sounding weaker by the moment. They drive off together.
Streets of Metropolis. Clark is walking around while Chloe, back at the Watchtower, feeds him directions through his cell phone. "Vector ten-and-a-half feet north," she says. "Have I sunk Lois's battleship?" Clark looks around, but can't see reason why Lois would have been standing in the area for two hours the night before. What a creepy, creepy boyfriend you are, Clark. Chloe: "You know, not that I want to wade into the salty ocean of amour that is Lois and Clark, but if you two are playing Mr. & Mrs. Smith now, don't you think there might be a slight trust issue?" Horrible dialog, but a good point. Clark says he's worried that Lois is holding something back from him. Yeah, maybe she's from another planet and she has super powers, and she moonlights as a vigilante, while hypocritically lying to her significant other about who and what she really is. No, wait, that's you, ya jackass. "It's kind of different when the control is on the other foot," Chloe teases him. Clark looks like he thinks this is crazy talk. Chloe all-too-gently reminds him that Lois trusts him, so maybe he should trust her, too. "I do," Clark insists. Chloe scoffs. "Right, and that's why you had me lo-jack her key chain?" Clark says nothing to that, so Chloe gets back to the stalking at hand. She reaffirms that he's standing in the same spot as Lois the night before. Clark looks down and sees a manhole cover. A tiny light goes on above his head. With a glance around to make sure nobody's looking, he super-zips down for a look.
He zips into the decimated lab. As he does so, a fine, red fog rises from the ruined equipment, possibly stirred up from his speedy arrival. Little glowy particles drift up toward him. Instead of backing away, he takes a big old sniff and inhales them. His eyes glow red. Commercials.
Watchtower. Clark's at one of the computers when Chloe walks into the room. She's surprised to see him at the keyboard and jokes, "Have I been downsized in the bureaucratic world of superheroes?" "I just got tired of waiting for you," he snots. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the planet," she says. "Or the wrong side of Lois," he corrects her. His way to remedy that is to step up the stalking operation. He shows Chloe a computer map of the country; it's mostly red, save for a few bright green splotches. "It's Tess," he explains. "It was her underground lab that Lois was snooping around in." Chloe looks at the map with growing dread. "What's with the thermo-radioactive scan of North America?" she asks. "She's storing meteor rock around the country," Clark says. "And she's gonna pay for it." Clark heads for the door, but Chloe calls him back because the deposits don't belong to Tess. "Tess is the only one who knows what Kryptonite can do to me," Clark says, nostrils flaring like the Holland tunnel. "Except for me," Chloe says. After a moment, she adds: "And Oliver." Clark's eyes glow red as he advances on her. "You and Oliver betrayed me," he says quietly. "Stockpiling weapons around the world that can kill me." She explains it's for the Kryptonians, and he reminds her he's Kryptonian, too. She says the weapons are just insurance. "In case what, Chloe?" Clark snits. "In case I turn on you?" Well, now that you mention it... He backhands her to the floor then gets all up in her face about how she's no better than Tess. He turns to go, but Chloe calls after him, still trying to explain herself, begging him to hear her side of things. "What if there was ever a war?" she asks. Clark thinks there's already a war, and Chloe just lost it. He uses his heat-vision to blast a big ol' S-shield on the wall behind Chloe. Then, with a final smirk down at her, he whooshes away, leaving her to figure out how the hell to get alien eye spooge off plaster.
Random storage yard, night. John Corben has somehow tracked down one of the shipping containers full of Chloe and Oliver's Kryptonite goodies. How did he find it? Who knows? He stumbles around between shelves stacked high with various green goos and weapons. He's also sweaty and shirtless, but the giant, metallic, crablike pump embedded in his chest takes away almost all of the beefcake appeal. He finally finds a case that contains three bottles of green liquid. He fills a syringe with it and injects himself in the arm. Green liquid travels through a clear plastic tube that goes from his elbow to his shoulder. He groans and cries out as the chamber in his artificial heart flashes with green light. Clark super-zips onto the scene just in time to see the green flash. He takes a step toward the shipping container as John kicks the doors open. Clark, weakened, falls back. [What did Clark think was going to happen when he tracked down the stockpile of material that can kill him? - Zach] He and John regard each other with lusty, open-mouthed stares. They're either relishing the thought of a rematch or contemplating what to make each other for breakfast. Before we can find out which option it is, two fireballs blast through the sky and into the shipping container. Kaboom! Lots and lots of kaboom! Clark frowns, confused, until Zod zooms out of the sky and lands in front of him. Zod takes a few steps toward him, gives him a flirty little smile, then zips away. Clark stares after him, simultaneously confused and impressed. He thinks to himself, "I bet Zod would like an omelet." Commercials.
Lois drives up in her car and sees the smoking remains of the shipping container. Why is she just now driving up? Where was she before, if she's the one who took John there? Why do I even care? She gets out of the car, calling out for John. He calls back to her from somewhere within an adjacent warehouse: "Lois, stay away!" She calls to him again and again he warns her away. She goes looking for him anyway and finds him stark naked. Either the fire burned off his pants or he pooped himself in the blast and wanted to change. He holds a small crate in front of his groinal area. "Glad to see you're looking so good," Lois says. "Thanks," he says shyly. "You look pretty good, too." She clarifies that didn't quite mean it like that. Looking away, she takes off her coat and hands it to him. He thinks they should get out of there before the Blur comes back. "The Blur did this to you?" Lois asks, stunned. John has no idea how the Blur tracked him down so Lois stammers some blather about how he may have been following a "well-meaning source." "And," she adds, "you did kind of go 'phantom of the boiler room' last time you entered stage right." He stares at her and wishes the blast had taken out his eardrums.
Underground lab. Chloe skulks around, shining a flashlight over the disarray of upended tables and equipment. A dozen or so monitors are on, but show only static. Tess emerges from the darkness behind Chloe. "Last time I checked, this was private property." Chloe turns to face her with a smirk. "Looks like Tess Mercer's skeleton is finally crawling out of the closet." Say what? Tess chuckles. "Speaking of being 'hidden in the closet,' how's Oliver doing these days?" Out and proud, thanks. Chloe doesn't rise to the bait, though, and instead turns the conversation to Checkmate. "That must really suck to be on the outs of your own walls," Chloe says with obvious enjoyment. Tess thinks Chloe should know from experience, and somehow manages to discern that Clark must have found her Kryptonite stash since she's not "cuddling up" to her own computers. The dialog is bad, the logic is bad, let's just press on. Chloe seems to agree with me and drops the verbal sparring. The lab is the last place she sent Clark, she says. She peers around with her flashlight some more and sees a blob of red Kryptonite. "I should have known Clark took a walk down the ruby red road," she sighs. "That explains his lack of edit button." Tess is confused until Chloe explains that red meteor turns Clark into a bad, bad boy. I'm sure Tess, upstanding citizen that she is, will never use that knowledge to her benefit. The conversation segues awkwardly into Tess knowing Clark isn't her "knight in shining armor." "Which is why I made my own all-purpose bodyguard." Instead of latching onto this revelation, Chloe makes a dig about Clark outing himself and the Kryptonians. They come to the realization that they need to work together. Or something.
Zod's warehouse headquarters. Zod holds a lead-sheathed Kryptonite dagger he must have pilfered from the storage yard when we weren't looking. He unsheathes the dagger and immediately begins to feel pukey. He covers it back up, right quick. Clark whooshes up behind him. Zod, without turning, tries to smarten up the show by quoting some Kierkegaard: "Irony: the cleaning baptism that redeems the soul." Clark's like, "I thought irony was when it rains on your wedding day!" Zod seems delighted that the only thing on Earth that can harm them is a piece of their own planet. Clark whooshes up to him and grabs him by the throat, pissed that Zod had lied to him about having powers. "How'd you get them?" "From you," Zod says, pulling Clark's hand away. "From your blood." Clark slowly walks around Zod, giving him the once-over. Then he gives him the twice-over, because he liked what he saw the first time. Zod rambles on about how Clark's such a contradiction: "Dedicating your life to the greater good, and at the same time deceiving the ones you love the most." On our planet, that's called hypocrisy. Clark sniffs about Zod deceiving him. Zod just stands there and lets Clark look over all of him. "Oh, come on, Kal-El," he says tauntingly, "you've become far too calculating to play the naïve farm boy." Lordy, this is one crappy bass line away from being porn. He says Clark's friends fear him because they don't understand him. Zod turns and walks up to Clark, whispering, "You need me. Who else in your world has ever truly been your equal?" Zod starts pumping Clark's... ego... by talking about him in godly terms, and the humans as mere mortals. Clark seems to like the way this is all going. Zod proposes they use Clark's map to destroy the Kryptonite weapons. How did he know about any of that? Zod makes a case for Clark joining him over his human friends. Clark thinks about it for a while, staring at Zod. Zod swallows hard, hoping against hope that Clark chooses him, but trying not to look too desperate. Finally, Clark holds out his hand and they clasp each other's elbows in agreement. Then they stare into each other's eyes for about an hour.
Bus station. John Corben, now fully clothed, is getting on a bus with Lois. He tries to get her to leave so she won't get into more trouble, but she's sticking with him. "I promised I'd get you to military base in South Dakota," she says. She sits down and pulls him into the seat beside her. She's taking him to see a "Dr. Vale" at her father's recommendation. What a brilliant idea. Certainly the military will magnanimously help and protect him and not use him as a weapon at all. He's worried that Tess's people will find them. "Exactly," Lois says. "So when you're free and clear and planting your homestead spike in the badlands, then I'll send you the sayonara." Oh, dear God, the dialog! It burns, it burns! John catches sight of a woman struggling with her bag and goes to help her. As he grapples with her bag, she places a small device in the back of John's neck where the "upgrade" was implanted. Immediately, he sees things as if through a computer. A screen behind his eyes flashes and says that an "emotion chip" has been activated. [But shouldn't it have been deactivated? That's just common robot knowledge. - Z] He receives instructions to return to base and turns to leave the bus. Lois gets up to go after him, but another undercover minion stands up and injects her with sedative. She passes out in an empty seat. The other passengers somehow notice none of this.
Chloe's Kryptonite Cache, still the same night. Zod and Clark are walking away from the stockpile they've just torched. They make quite a pretty pair in their matching black clothes as the fire roars behind them. Zod remarks on Clark's eagerness to destroy Chloe's weapons. "I'm sure there's some quote about betrayal stinging the most when it's from someone you trust," Clark pouts. "Your father could have rattled it off," Zod says, because he was looking for an entree to the subject. "You remind me of him." They stop walking and turn to face one another, the flames still burning bright behind them. (Speaking of which, shouldn't all that burning Kryptonite in the air be affecting them? No?) Zod reminisces about his friendship with Jor-El and how they used to fight, but also about how he respected him. "You must have had a friend that you had a connection with," Zod says, his voice nearly breaking. "Like you were opposite sides of the same soul?" Oh, goodness, just kiss already. Kiss while the night burns like Atlanta behind you! Clark admits he did, once, a long time ago. Somewhere, a not-dead Lex gets a little tingle. Zod speaks softly about how Clark has a family now. "Good," Clark says, "maybe now it's time to live a little." He zips off with a mischievous look in his eyes, an obvious invitation. Zod waits for a moment so he doesn't look too eager, then follows.
The thing you know, they're standing atop the Space Needle in Seattle. They stand side by side, looking out over the city. "It's quite a view," Zod says. Yes, Clark is awfully pretty. "Everything seems so clear from up here," Clark says. He wonders why he couldn't see it until now. Zod ventures that maybe Clark just needed someone to share his perspective. "If only your father could see us," Zod says. He was open-minded; I'm sure he would bless your union. Clark offers to take Zod to Jor-El now, which confuses Zod, seeing as how his old friend is pushing up daises in a cow pasture somewhere. Also, the popped collar on Clark's coat is just insane in its magnitude. It's this close to being Count Chocula's cape. Before Clark takes Zod to the Fortress, though, he notices that it's starting to rain. He decides to give Seattle a little "surprise" by using his freeze-breath on the falling raindrops, turning them to ice. On the streets below, a bunch of cars are probably crashing or skidding into little old ladies and puppies. Surprise!
Underground lab. Chloe's gotten the computers up and running again. Tess says her people have found John. "Any luck with your problem child?" she asks. Chloe's studying a map of the Pacific Northwest and wondering how often it snows in Seattle. It was 64 degrees and suddenly there was a snowstorm. And the snowstorm smelled like Hot Pockets and Mentos. Tess checks the Internet and magically finds someone's blog mentioning something going on at the Space Needle. Chloe pulls up satellite images and finds Zod and Clark posing for their first Christmas card together. She and Tess give each other "oh shit" looks. The door opens behind them and in walks John Corben, all blank in the face. Tess gives a cunning little smile.
Meanwhile, Clark is welcoming Zod to the Fortress of Not-So-Solitude. The music's all frantic and dramatic, but the two of them are just sort of standing around. Commercials.
Some time later, Clark is jabbing different crystals into the Fortress's main console. Stuff lights up, but that's about it. "Well, he's not exactly rolling out the welcome mat, is he?" Clark asks. Yeah, sorry, all the explosions sort of ate into Terence Stamp's fee. Clark tries a few more crystals, but Jor-El remains silent. Clark's pissed that he finally embraces his heritage and Jor-El has nothing to say. Zod thinks it's because of the role he played in the destruction of Krypton. "He can't blame you for something you haven't done yet," Clark pouts. Zod's very understanding about the whole thing, though. "It took you almost a year to warm up to me," he says. "I wouldn't expect my discerning old friend to give me any more latitude." Clark's still poking at the console like a cranky monkey, but he finally gives up. He figures he doesn't have anything left to learn from Jor-El anyway, but Zod tells him not to be so dismissive. "Trust me," Clark says, "I can live without constant lectures and mind games." You're only saying that because daddy doesn't like your new boyfriend. Zod dangles the promise of the knowledge of the universe in front of Clark, and Clark's like, "Ugh, I hate studying!" The music is sort of cool here, with an understated chanting and a synth line that sounds sort of like early Depeche Mode. Somehow, Clark and Zod end up in a conversation about religion back on Krypton, and how the red sun god Rao is revered. "Unlike your civilization," Zod says, "superstition has no place in our beliefs." I'd say having a red sun god is sort of superstitious, but I'm pretty cynical when it comes to religion. He talks about how religion is science to them, and if they could get Jor-El's Book of Rao, they could achieve anything. Clark either likes the sound of that, or the sound of Zod's mumbly voice, because he smiles appreciatively.
Underground lab. Tess and Chloe track John's movements on a computer map. When he gets to a certain point, Chloe sneakily hits the enter button. The screen goes to static. "I lost the GPS feed," she lies. Tess smirks, seeing through the ruse. "Where'd you send him?" "On a hunch," Chloe says, with a shrug. These two understand each other and don't press the issue. There's a noise behind them and Chloe scurries away to investigate. It's Lois, peering around a chunk of lab machinery. She spies the travel mug heart on a nearby table. Instead of quietly grabbing it and backing away unseen, she greets Tess. "How not surprised am I to see you here?" Well, it is her lab. Lois snarks about how easy it was to get into the lab. Tess snarkily asks Lois to keep it quiet, with a raised finger to her lips. "I saw what you did to Corben," Lois says, because admitting to the villain that you know her secret plans certainly won't get you killed. She goes on: "I was on the bus when you sent me on a tranq trip to Mount Rushmore." Why? Why is the talking so bad?! Lois defiantly tells Tess she can't get this covered up, but Chloe sneaks up behind her and places a cloth over her mouth. Lois struggles a bit before blacking out, having inhaled whatever Chloe dosed her with. [I guess a lab might have chloroform around, or at least some noxious cleaning supplies. - Z] Chloe lowers her to the floor with an apology. Tess looks sort of impressed. "You take care of her," Tess says, "and I'll clean up the rest, so no one believes Lois's trip down the rabbit hole." Chloe frowns, but nods. Why would Chloe agree to keep the lab secret? Hell if I know.
Fortress. John is just arriving via the magic cave portal. Zod and Clark are surprised to see him. Well, Zod's surprised. Clark looks like he's posing for a coat ad in GQ. "How'd he get here?" Zod asks. "Chloe," is Clark's reply. John's ocular computer screen informs him that his targets have been acquired. He unzips his hoodie, exposing his Kryptonite heart. Zod and Clark suddenly feel ill. [Is the hoodie made of lead? Where can I get one? Is it heavy? - Z] Clark staggers but Zod manages to zip around John. Clark uses his heat-vision to blast some ice off the Fortress's ceiling and send it crashing on top of John. John looks up, watching it fall instead of just stepping out of the way. He's unhurt, but the chip in the back of his neck has been knocked off. What a cruddy design. He feels back there and realizes he's back under his own control. His computerized eyes go back to normal. Nonetheless, he advances on Clark, who reacts by blowing him. Er, blowing on him. John struggles like a mime against the windy onslaught. Zod joins in, blowing from the opposite direction. When they stop huffing and puffing a few moments later, John is frozen in a block of ice. "And I thought I got a chilly welcome," Zod says. Ugh. Then they notice that John's heart is still beating. A moment later, the ice explodes outward, driving the Kryptonian besties back. John stands there panting for a second before kicking Zod into a wall of ice. Zod falls and stays down. John reaches into his hoodie pocket for a bigass chunk of pointy Kryptonite. "Someone who cares about you sent me here to save you," he says. "And I owe you one." Clark, lying on the ground, starts laughing. "Is this my lucky day to be saved?" John pins him down and crouches beside him. I'm kind of surprised they didn't go for a straddle there. John says he knows from experience that they don't always know when they need to be saved. With that, he stabs Clark in the gut with the pointy Kryptonite. Clark groans. His eyes flash red and then fade to normal. Zod watches this whole transaction from across the Fortress. As John stands again, he notices the fallen control chip. He pockets it instead of destroying it. "You can thank me later," he says to Clark. With that, he takes the octagonal key from his pocket and inserts it into the console. An instant later, he vanishes in a flash of light. Clark gets up to go check on Zod, but he's already gone. Commercials.
Streets of Metropolis, daytime. Lois is walking along when John comes up behind her and touches her arm. She whips around to face him, annoyed at being snuck up on. John thinks the more appropriate response would be relief to find him still alive, or possibly disappointment to find him clothed. Eh, not while you've got that crab thing on your torso. They walk together. Lois asks about how he got away from Tess. "It involved a secret cave," John says, "an action sequence out of the Ice Capades, and your best friend." Lois opens up her purse and shows him the red Kryptonite heart. "Maybe this makes up for everything," she says. He leads her to a more quiet spot to talk. "Where'd you get that?" he asks. "It's a souvenir from my own little adventure," she says with a smile. Damn, she must be more talented that I've been giving her credit for, considering she got dragged, unconscious, out of that lab. John is impressed and touched. He calls her his hero, then says, "Of course, I was hoping I'd escape with a different heart." She tears up a little. He goes on about how honest, loyal, and brave she is. She scoffs, gently, at being put on such a high pedestal, but he persists. "You're the only one that's given me a chance." He tells her she's his only chance to live an honest life. "If I were going to disappear again, I would want to disappear with you." Lois lets him down gently. She's already with someone and he's "it" for her. John takes a step back, nodding. "Maybe if this were another lifetime," Lois says. He stares at her wistfully and smiles. "I really hope that your guy knows who you really are, because you are a real..." He sighs, thinking of just the right word to convey his esteem for her: "...dame." Uh... OK. They smile at each other for a while.
Zod's warehouse hideout. Zod mopes around, drinking whiskey out of a tumbler. He puts his glass down when he notices a manila envelope full of pictures. The first picture is of Clark and Zod standing in the snow together. Tess, sauntering into the room behind him, asks, "You're not that naïve, are you?" He turns to look at her and wonders why shouldn't he work with Kal-El. "He doesn't have your best interests at heart," Tess says, circling around him much as Clark did earlier. "But you and I, we have a commitment to each other." Ooh, girl, you're horning in on Clark's new man! "You're not backing out on me, are you?" she asks, her face turned away so he can't see her uncertainty. He points out she's the one who sent someone to attack him. She sidles up to him and they start kissing. Talking about Clark and violence covers both of their turn-ons. Tess admonishes Zod not to side with Clark because he's too quick to switch allegiances. Yeah, one minute he's in love with Lois, then he's giving Zod those pants-searing looks, all while he's still pining for Lex! Fickle bastard. Zod sticks up for Clark, though, which prompts Tess to tell him about a "secret rebellion" among his soldiers. She shows Zod the rest of the pictures. They're of Clark meeting secretly with Alia and Faora to give them new identities. "A group of your people have turned against you," she says, "and are looking to a new leader." Zod doesn't look happy.
Watchtower. Chloe is trying to clean the S-shield off the wall. Girl, make Clark do that! Then make him write, "I will not vandalize other people's property," a hundred times on the blackboard. And not in super-speed. Clark whooshes into the room behind her. Chloe looks frightened, but takes a breath and turns to look at him. "If I had an apology on video, it would have saved me a lot of time this year," he says. She relaxes. "Well, I'd say I did my fair share of trespassing, as well." "You mean the part where you were amassing the only weapons that can kill me?" he asks. He stands there looking at his big S-shield on the wall instead of cleaning it up. Clark realizes that maybe she was the one seeing things clearly all along, which shocks her. He also admits he didn't tell her everything about the future: "Your Kryptonite armory was the only thing that saved the world." She's so pleased to hear him say it that she almost blushes. Since Clark is at confessional today, he also goes on to say that his whole assy behavior and hanging out with Zod wasn't just the red K. He thinks it was a "wish fulfillment" thing. Chloe shakes her head. "If you wanted to redecorate the place, all you had to do was ask." She continues cleaning the S off her wall. Clark continues not helping. He talks about how Chloe and Lois are like sisters and how he doesn't have much family anymore. He looks sad, and I wish I could feel sad for him, because Tom Welling is doing a pretty good job of portraying longing and vulnerability. Clark says Zod understands him. "Chloe, he's the closest thing to a brother I may ever know." Chloe looks appropriately worried by that prospect. Hope you had more weapons stashed away someplace.
Fortress. Zod has somehow managed to bring his soldiers to the Arctic. They don't have powers and he doesn't have the octagonal cave key, so maybe he carried them all there like some kind of overgrown stork with a leather fetish. Zod stands before his men, holding the lead-covered Kryptonite dagger from earlier. "Some of our brothers and sisters have defected," he says. "I'm afraid we've been betrayed, but we will prevail." He unsheathes the dagger and draws the glowing green blade across the palm of his hand. The soldiers exchange looks with each other like, "He done gone crazy!" Zod looks pukey, but he keeps cutting. He holds the wound over a crystal goblet and bleeds into it. The soldiers look increasingly worried and maybe a little grossed out. "The time has come to share in your birthright," he says. He holds up the cup of blood because just passing it around wouldn't have been dramatic enough. The screen dissolves into the closing credits. The end.
Stay tuned week to see if the show can outdo this episode in terrible dialog, inconsistent characterization and hot, super-powered, manly bonding.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what other superbeings have crossed Clark in our guide to the Heroes and Villains of Smallville!
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Tippi Blevins thinks the show needs to find its "edit" button again. You can email her at b_tippi@yahoo.com, or find her on Twitter.