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Have you had enough of Oliver moping and wallowing in self-pity and opining about his rotten soul? Were you glad when that whole, long, laborious story arc about his descent into self-doubt and self-destruction was resolved? Well, too bad, because all that's back in this episode. Oliver's crazy old archery mentor is also back, and he's Dr. Sexy from Supernatural, aka Dark Archer, about whom we have never heard one iota even though he apparently played a major part in Oliver's training and mental molding. He takes aim first at Lois, landing her in the hospital with an arrow through the shoulder; then he goes after Chloe, but inflicts naught but a flesh wound [This was Oliver's teacher? He's not a very good shot. -- Angel]; then he kidnaps Mia (the teen hooker/fighter from a past episode who Oliver is training) and drops her off in a hedge maze that looks like a Spirograph. All this is supposed to be because Oliver took some vow when he belonged to Dark Archer's Dark Archery Cult of Darkness, about how he would never have any lovers, allies, or disciples. Dark Archer lures Oliver to the hedge maze and taunts him about that old Smallville chestnut, the "darkness within" or some crap like that. Then he challenges Oliver to kill him for the inane and out-of-left-field reason that he's getting older (he's, like, ten years older than Oliver) and is mentally and physically not what he used to be. Oliver shoots him, but just to debilitate him so that he can then grow even older in prison.
You may notice I haven't even mentioned Clark yet. That's because he's basically relegated to the background. He fusses at Zod when the latter goes to visit Lois in the hospital and he fusses at Chloe when she confesses she once kidnapped Oliver in order to save him. He's also apparently dating Lois for real, which for about two seconds they think might be driving Oliver so insane with jealousy that he's formed an evil split personality. That potentially interesting subplot is almost immediately dropped and they quickly discover that Dark Archer is the one to blame for all the mayhem. Question is, who's to blame for this episode? Stay tuned for the full recap to find out.
Kristen Kreuk is more tolerable on Chuck. We think the rest of the cast should make the move.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Smallville: Zod chewed a lot of scenery and pouted because he and his soldiers don't have super powers on Earth; Clark decided to befriend Zod and company and got a bunch of kneeling in return; Clark got mad about Chloe wiring his house for surveillance; Oliver was all pouty about his true self and burned his Green Arrow outfit; Oliver was thankful when Chloe had him kidnapped and mindfucked in order to prove he's still a hero; Oliver rescued teen prostitute Mia from the streets and trained her to fight; Lois briefly thought Clark was the Blur but was eventually convinced otherwise; Clark and Lois started dating and kissing.
Welcome back from the winter hiatus! How did you all pass the time? I spent my time off watching and re-watching all the episodes of White Collar. My brain feels all refreshed and smart and excited about TV again. Let's see how long that feeling lasts as we dive back into the murky depths of Smallville, shall we?
Metropolis, night. Clark and Lois are just winding down from an evening of charity fund-raising, according to the marquee over the theater doors they're exiting. Sappy romantic music plays. Lois pats herself on the back for contributing to some poor kid's shoe supply via her purchase of crantinis at the bar. I think "crantini" sounds like the name of a hack magician. With a simple mixing of cranberry juice and vodka, he'll make your bladder infection disappear and give you a buzz all at the same time! Clark snarks about the multiple children Lois helped with all her drinking, not that he was keeping count. She admits she was a little nervous since it was "kind of" their first outing as a couple. Clark pouts, "Emphasis on the 'kind of.' You wouldn't even let me help you with your coat!" Lois reminds him they at least held hands. Clark counters that that was only because Lois wanted to steal his hors d'oeuvres. This exchange is all happening in a light, teasing tone, but it still makes me want to pull a Moonstruck and slap them both, hard. Snap out of it! They're walking to their cars and talking about how Tess didn't seem to mind her reporters dating each other. So Tess isn't in jail for kidnapping Lois or trying to kill Stuart? I'm positively shocked. Clark seems not at all worried that he's possibly exposing Lois to even more scrutiny from Tess, because remembering things from week to week makes Clark's head hurt. Lois notes that Oliver seemed less happy and left as soon as she and Clark arrived. Clark says Oliver will get over it. "Well, it is a lot to get your head around," Lois says. "I mean, Clark Kent and Lois Lane. Who knew?" Thunk. With that anvil blow to the head, I feel myself lose a couple of IQ points. They stop and smile dopily at each other for a while. Clark invites Lois to go back to the farm for a walk. Smallville moves closer and closer to Metropolis every week. "I could give you Clark Kent's tour of the galaxy," he offers. Just don't be in any rush to show her Uranus. She starts to snark about him not knowing about any other planets (thunk!) but he cuts her off with a kiss. She notes that this is their fifth date and doesn't want to rush into things like she usually does, because she wants to get things right with Clark. With that, they stare at each other for a while and say their good-nights. Then they stare some more. Luckily, Clark's superhearing picks up a woman screaming for help in the distance and he beats a hasty retreat to go help this off-screen damsel in distress, leaving Lois flustered and alone.
She gets into her car but it won't start. "Damn it, I knew I should have changed the alternator myself!" she says. Because she's mechanically gifted along with all her other awesome qualities, see? She gets out to have a look under the hood. As she peers around inside at miscellaneous car thingies (I am not mechanically gifted), an arrow slices through the night and hits the car, right by her hand. She whips around and sees a leather-clad hooded figure standing on a nearby rooftop, posed in front of the city's permanently full moon. We're meant to think it's Oliver, but the guy is clearly much beefier. Lois thinks it's Oliver, though, and calls out, "Jealous much?" He gets another arrow ready and takes aim. Lois turns and runs away. The mystery archer shoots her in the back. She falls, the tip of the arrow piercing her upper left chest. Somebody save her!
There's an overhead establishing shot of some squat, brick buildings, which I guess is the exterior of Oliver's training facility. Inside there are orange mats on the floor and some Asian-inspired decorative screens. I can't spend too much thinking about the mystery of the locale, though, because Oliver is sitting in the middle of whatever room this is, meditating without shirt. Sure, he's a jerk and a criminal, but the man is toned. And lightly oiled, it seems. Ominous music starts to play. Someone dressed head to toe in black sneaks up on him. Oliver's eyes snap open and he springs into action just as his mystery attacker pounces on him. He throws her to the mat. You can tell it's a girl because of her girlish yelp. And also because the previouslies showed Mia. She jumps up and starts swinging at him with a side-handle baton. They trade blows and he flips her onto her back. He shoves the baton against her throat and pushes, hard. She struggles under him, her eyes behind her mask very frightened. She gurgles his name a few times. Still pressing against her throat, he pulls off her mask and, realizing it's his student, he drops the baton and backs away, looking horrified. Mia sits up, rubbing her neck. She wants to know what the hell is up with him and he says, "I came here for our training session, not to audition for Kill Bill 3!" Mia says she just wanted to sneak up on him so she'd stand a chance of kicking his butt for once. Oliver is still freaked out and tries to explain it as a response to Mia's convincing turn as a ninja. But Mia thinks it's more than just an overreaction. "You didn't even respond to your own name! It's like you were someone else." Oliver looks scared. The music is discordant. His phone rings before he has to dig around for a real response. It's Chloe, and although we don't hear what she says, it's obvious by his expression that he's hearing about Lois being attacked.
Kent farm. Clark whooshes into the house to find Zod standing there, with an apple perched on the tips of his fingers. "The apple is such a plain yet fascinating fruit," Zod says. That's what Lex used to say about Clark. Clark wonders what Zod's doing there. Zod blathers about apples starting the Trojan war and the tree of knowledge and the fall of Man and how humans hoard knowledge while Kryptonians share it. How long do you suppose Zod was in there with that apple, waiting for Clark to find him poised just so? I bet he practiced a bunch of different poses, trying to strike just the right balance between casual and philosophical. You don't want to come across too needy when fondling a man's fruit. Clark still wants to know what Zod wants. Zod reminds him about how the Kryptonians kneeled before him and accepted him as one of their own. "But some of us feel our favor has not been returned," Zod says. Clark says the Kryptonians don't need his help as much as the humans do, but Zod says they need more help. They expect Clark to help them get their powers. They want him to be a leader and mentor. Clark doesn't know how to give them his powers, but Zod invites him to solve the mystery with him. Zod's being sort of quiet and slinky with Clark in this scene, but Clark is too hetero these days to be moved. Clark doesn't want Earth to become another Krypton and thinks it would be dangerous to try. Zod threatens, in a casual sort of way, that his people don't want to conquer but they will do whatever it takes to get what they want. Zod whispers about needing to protect themselves against the brutal humans who would hunt them down like animals. "I won't let that happen," Clark says with genuine concern. Zod looks like he's going to cry. He knows Clark doesn't trust him because he thinks he killed Jor-El. He tries to convince Clark by saying he lost a son of his own and would never deprive someone of his father. "You must believe me," he says. Just then, Clark's cell phone rings, and he answers it without excusing himself, which earns him a spot on my etiquette shit list. He finds out about Lois and superzips away without saying anything to Zod. Zod glares after him. Clark is on Zod's etiquette shit list, too.
Hospital, our home away from home. Lois sits in her hospital bed, her left arm in a sling, trying to get comfortable. Clark bursts in, all apologies about leaving her the night before. "This never would have happened," he says. So, what, you plan to stay with her 24 hours a day? Because let me tell you, the romance starts to fade once you get familiar with someone's bathroom habits, and I bet Lois loves the chili dogs at those monster truck rallies of hers. Lois sensibly tells him it's not his fault. Some psycho just wanted a spot on the front page of The Daily Planet and decided to shoot its ace reporter. Clark asks her if she got a look at the attacker. "Yeah, he was dressed up like Green Arrow," she says. They frown at each other for a while and Clark tenderly sits on the bed beside her. Oliver appears in the window behind them, looking sad. He walks away without going in and encounters Chloe in the hall. Oh dear crap, the outfit she has on. It's a long colorful tunic with a short jacket buttoned over it and flared pants. It's like she got lost on her way to 1971. She notes that Oliver doesn't look so great, which she also notes is unusual for him. Oliver's sad because Clark is already in Lois's room. Chloe gently chastises him: "It's been years since you and Lois steamed up any elevator glass." Luckily, they move on from that line of conversation and on to the matter of the attacker who shares Oliver's leather fetish. Oliver is shocked. Chloe shows him an X-ray of Lois's wound and the arrow that caused it. "If it had been just one centimeter to the left or the right, her artery would have been ceviche." Because Lois is made of raw fish and lime juice...? Chloe thinks the attacker must have been a bad shot, but Oliver begs to differ. "That's a shot specifically designed to take down your enemy without killing them," he says, studying the X-ray. Chloe shows him a picture of the arrow. The shrill, discordant music of recognition plays. He whispers that he doesn't recognize it, but in a totally unconvincing way. Chloe frowns after him as he leaves.
LuthorCorp, the Corp with no Luthors. Oliver strides into his office, which looks not at all secure, and over to a display of metal tubes arranged horizontally against one wall. He pulls a lever that anyone walking inside could pull. One of the tubes slides open, revealing a rolled-up leather bundle, marked with a Spirograph. There are arrows inside, identical to the one that injured Lois. Oliver picks up one of the arrows, studying it as tense music plays. A faraway look comes across his face. "Bored again," he whispers hoarsely. I know how you feel, buddy. I replay the scene and realize he's actually saying "Vordigan." What kind of weirdo name is that? It sounds like some kind of evil sweater or something, like a cardigan that Voldemort would wear.
There are no sweaters for Vordigan, however, evil or otherwise - as we see in the shot, he has the same affinity for shirtlessness as Oliver. As the camera pans from right to left, we see a long, jagged scar on his forearm that looks like it was made with school paste and fruit roll-ups. The mysterious Vordigan wraps his knuckles and then his ribs with a roll of gauze for some reason I can't fathom. It doesn't seem sturdy enough to provide any support. I think he just wanted to treat us to the sight of his incredibly beefy torso. He has a Spirograph tattoo between his shoulder blades and more fruit roll-ups, too. He slips into a sleeveless black leather ensemble and packs up his gleaming arrows. Only now do we see his face as he stands before a cheval mirror, admiring his handiwork. As I mentioned in the recaplet, it's Dr. Sexy from Supernatural. Apparently, the actor, Steve Bacic, also played a mechanic in the pilot episode of Smallville, but I remember him not at all. He must have been wearing clothes then. Here he has a stiff-looking forked beard tipped with gray. Or maybe some of that school paste got on him when he was gluing on the fruit roll-ups. He gives himself one last look in the mirror and lifts his hood into place. Time to hit the leather bars!
Hospital. Lois is in her room, tapping away at a laptop computer, reading about different kinds of arrows. The door opens and she happily calls out to Clark without looking up. Except it's actually Zod, and he's arrived bearing a bouquet of flowers. Lois tells him he must have the wrong room. He introduces himself as Clark's old friend Zod, who was just in the neighborhood, donating blood, and thought he'd pop in for a visit. Lois says Clark's never mentioned him. "And being a championship wrestling fan, I'd definitely remember a name like that." I wonder why he doesn't go by Dru or even Drew while on Earth, the way Clark sometimes goes by Kal? I guess "Kneel before Drew!" just doesn't have the same ring to it. Zod says he's heard all about Lois. She smiles, flattered, because his vaguely menacing, creepy demeanor isn't tipping her off. He flatters her some more, telling her that Clark wasn't exaggerating about her. She presses him on how he knows Clark. "We've got a lot of history together," he says. He promises to take her out when she's feeling better and tell her all about the real Clark Kent. "I'm not sure even Clark's parents know the real Clark Kent," she says. Zod chuckles. "You mean Clark's adoptive parents," Zod corrects her. Lois says Clark doesn't know anything about his real parents. Zod slyly agrees. He casually gives her a small gold charm that he lies about buying from some kids in the hospital. There's a Kryptonian symbol on it. On his way out, he pauses and says, "You tell that Clark Kent he's a very lucky man." Lois smiles. I can't tell if she's wary of him or if the ominous music in the background just makes everything seem suspicious.
Oliver's LuthorCorp office. He's studying a whole wall full of surveillance pics from the last few days. Mia watches him with concern. "You wanna tell me what you're doing? Because this looks serial-killer scary." He says he thinks someone is following him. Mia guesses why he reacted so strongly when she jumped him that morning. Except... wasn't that before Oliver knew Vordigan was in town? Mia takes a closer look at the pics and notices they're all of Oliver. She picks up one of them; it's of the fund-raiser. "Isn't this where that lady got shot?" Oliver gets pissed off at her for some reason and snatches away the picture. He tells her there's a lot she doesn't know about him. "I had no right trying to play mentor with you; it's way too risky." Mia is stunned. She refuses to leave, but Oliver tells her to get the hell out of there. Now shoot a hunting rifle near her so she'll be afraid of people! Mia glares at him for a moment, then storms out.
Watchtower, night. Chloe's inside, working at her computers when the alarm suddenly goes off. An artificially pleasant female voice announces that security has been breached. Chloe's still wearing that horrible outfit, except now with a short sweater instead of the jacket. Chloe frowns up at her computer screens instead of, say, grabbing a gun. On one of the screens, an antique-looking sketch of an archer pops up. Chloe jumps. Then stares. And stares. The lights go out, leaving her in nearly total darkness. She wanders tentatively into the center of the room. Vordigan stands silhouetted against one of the stained glass circular windows. He readies an arrow and takes aim. She frowns at him before finally turning away. He shoots and the arrow nicks her upper arm with a spray of blood that spatters the camera lens. She falls to the floor, touching her arm. Vordigan readies another arrow, aiming down at her. Somewhere in the room, a door opens, distracting him. Instead of quickly finishing what he came to do, he whips out a small compound bow, aims at the ceiling, and fires an arrow-tipped rope. He Batmans his way out of there as Chloe watches, still lying prone on the floor. She sits up just as Clark comes up behind her. He rushes to her side and asks what happened. "I'm starting to think our favorite archer isn't all green," she says. Clark glares up at the ceiling where Vordigan made his escape. Commercials.
Metropolis, night. From Vordigan's point-of-view, we see Mia as she walks along the city streets. He watches her pass him, heavy-breathing in a weirdly pervy fashion. Our view swings around to see Mia as he walks up behind her. She whispers, "Oliver," and whips around to face him, fists raised in a fighting pose. She sees Vordigan's unfamiliar bearded face instead. She must be terribly stunned, because she does absolutely nothing but frown at this leather-clad stranger. "Oliver's got a greater destiny," he says, "and you're going to help me fulfill it." Still frowning, she lowers her fists... and just stands there.
So, it's halfway through the episode, and here's where I thought to myself that we've finally found out what the story is about. It's not about Oliver going crazy or being dark or someone framing him for these attacks because he's a scuzzball. Rather, Oliver's the 'disciple' of the title and this muscular fellow is 'teaching' him a lesson of some sort. Hah! How wrong I was.
Back to the show: Clark is dressing Chloe's wound as she studies the arrow that nicked her. She thinks her attacker was Oliver, because how many other "arrow-toting Rambos" know about Watchtower? Clark's not as sure Oliver is behind the attack, despite how hard it's been on Oliver to see Clark and Lois together. Chloe presses on: "I know from the outside, it doesn't seem like Oliver would ever do anything to hurt Lois and me, but his dark half might." Clark thinks Oliver's left all that dark stuff behind him but Chloe wonders if he doesn't have a split personality that even he doesn't know about. Oliver potentially having a deeply buried personality would have been so much more interesting if the show had made more than a half-assed attempt at it. Clark defends Oliver, saying it would take more than boxing rings and drugs to make him go "Jekyll/Hyde." Chloe thinks about this for a second and then confesses that she set Oliver up a few weeks ago to make him get off his ass and be a hero again. Except she says it with a terrible extended metaphor about cars and freeways that I won't repeat. Clark is stunned. Chloe says she had to do something to save him, but Clark is upset that she decided to do it by herself. "Isn't that what you do every day?" she asks mildly. "You should have told me," he says, turning away in dramatic soap opera fashion. Chloe chastises him for not being able to pull the trigger when necessary and walking away instead. "I do what's right," he says, turning to look at her again. Eh, sometimes. Chloe: "You're not willing to do what's necessary." He asks her if what she did to Oliver was necessary. She stops to think about it for a moment, then says, "Not if it really shattered him." Clark walks away and Chloe asks him where he's going. "To pick up the pieces," he grumps, superzipping away. God, this show is so talky. And yet, hardly anyone ever says anything good. A beeping computer catches Chloe's attention; a match for the mystery arrow has been found.
Oliver's just leaving his training facility when someone grabs his shoulder from behind. He wheels around, fist upraised, then realizes it's Lois. Lame attempt at a fake-out, show. He powers down from fight mode and asks her what she's doing there. She wants to find out who shot her. "There's someone after me and I think they did this to you," he says. Lois wonders why. Oliver tells her it's because they used to be together. "What about all the other girls you were with?" Lois asks. Oliver says the person who's after him knows that Lois is the only one he ever really cared about. Not Tess, huh? Lois gives him a sad look. Oliver reaches out and gingerly pulls back the lapel of Lois's coat, looking at the bandage on her chest. She tells him he needs to pull himself together. "You have to find whoever attacked Chloe and I!" Sic. The attack on Chloe is news to Oliver. Lois reassures Oliver that Chloe is fine, but although she can see why someone would go after a lover, she doesn't understand why someone would go after a friend. Oliver turns away, muttering to himself something about vows: "No lovers, no allies, no disciples." He realizes this means Mia is in trouble.
LuthorCorp office. Clark is looking at Oliver's serial killer wall. He X-rays the metal tubes (guess they're not lead) and sees the arrows inside. Then, like some kind of lobotomized Hulk, he rips the lever off instead of just pulling it down like even a concussed monkey would know to do. He then rips the metal tube apart and gets out the leather roll. He pauses like he doesn't really want to see what's inside, except he just saw what's inside with his super powers. Oy. He hesitantly opens the roll and exposes the arrows. Suspenseful music plays. Chloe walks into the room behind him with her research about the arrows that shot her and Lois, thinking the information clears Oliver. Clark shows her the arrows he just found. She sees the Spirograph and sighs. "I don't want to add another car to the bad news train, but I've seen this symbol before." She reaches for a nearby laptop and pulls up info on an ancient Celtic society of master archers and their apprentices. They were apparently 13th century vigilante assassins. "Think like the CIA except with arrows and plaid skirts," she says. The dialog! It burns my ears! Clark wonders if they still exist. (The assassins, not my ears.) Chloe says it's not like they have a web page, but... they're sort of looking at one right now. Clark reads from the screen about this mentorship cult. The apprentice follows the master and swears off any lovers, allies, or disciples. It's a good thing that they later clarify that this rule applies to people outside the cult, because I spent a lot of the episode wondering how a cult full of disciples couldn't have any disciples. It made as much sense as, like, chocolate ice cream without any chocolate. Anyway, Clark thinks the cult thing doesn't sound much like Oliver, but Chloe reminds him about Oliver's AWOL year after he was rescued from the island. Maybe he joined the cult. This is all starting to make a little more sense to Clark now. If the cult is where Oliver honed his skills, then maybe someone from that cult is back to settle a score. Chloe and Clark trade concerned looks for a while.
Training facility. Oliver runs in, shouting for Mia. Dude, you sent her away, remember? He sees a big, blood-red message painted on one wall: "When the student is ready, the master appears." Oliver swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing around inside his collar. There's a dripping red Spirograph painted beneath the message. At this point, I was still hopeful of a logical denouement to this story. I mean, the message fits with Vordigan's earlier confrontation with Mia, right? He, in his own whackjob way, is trying to help Oliver live up to his destiny, right? Keep watching.
Vordigan is leading a bound and hooded Mia through a dark forest. He tells her he taught Green Arrow almost everything he knows. "Now it's time for my prize student to come back home," he says. Mia doesn't think he's coming back for the "class reunion," but Vordigan thinks he'll come for her. He yanks off Mia's hood and shoves her to the ground. In the second it takes for her to sit up, he's disappeared. As she holds her bound hands before her, an arrow slices through the air and cuts the ropes. How considerate for a psycho cultist kidnapper. Mia frantically runs through some tall, well-groomed trees. As the camera swoops up, we look down at her. She's standing in the middle of a gigantic hedge maze in the shape of the Celtic Spirograph. Kind of a blatant advertisement for a supposedly secret society, don't you think? Commercials.
Oliver is stalking through the forest, decked out in his full Green Arrow costume and adhering to the Corey Hart dress code of wearing one's sunglasses at night. Vordigan's voice calls out through the darkness: "At last! The apprentice heeds his master's call!" I'm surprised he didn't throw in a "Hark!" or "Forsooth!" in there somewhere. Oliver glances around. An arrow shoots Oliver's bow out of his hand. He reaches into his thigh holster for some kind of bow... gun... thingie. Vordigan steps out into the path, bow and arrow at the ready. "You know why you're here," he says. Oliver pulls back his hood and takes off his sunglasses. "Our paths split a long time ago," Oliver says. "You took your vows, Oliver; now it's time to fulfill them," Vordigan says. If you didn't watch this, you have to imagine the tone and delivery of their dialog is like... Well, imagine the absolutely most melodramatic role-playing nerds you ever knew, and then imagine them trying to pretend they're in a Shakespearean tragedy, except it's actually a parody and nobody told them. Oliver says he can't follow in his master's footsteps. Vordigan says he knows his best years are done and he was badly wounded for the first time recently. "Because I wasn't fast enough, physically or mentally. I realized the process of decay has begun." And finally... finally we come to the actual motivation for this entire plot: The society's rules say that a master must "leave this world" while he's still strong. He wants Oliver to kill him as part of his final test. Seriously. The guy's, like, ten years older than Oliver. Plus, what in the hell was all this bother with the "no disciples, no lovers, no allies" crap? Vordigan's reason for hunting down Oliver has nothing to do with that! Nor does it have anything to do with Oliver being "ready," like the blood-red sign said! Vordigan just wants to leave the world before he ends up like Larry King and he wants Oliver to do the deed. Oliver says he learned many things, like what kind of man he did and didn't want to become. "Some men don't get to choose who they become," Vordigan says. It's all fraught with meaning, or at least it's supposed to be, but we've never seen this guy or even heard of him so it's kind of meaningless. "Your heart is dark like mine, Oliver." Oliver disagrees. When he saw Vordigan's true colors, he left. "Come ooonnnn, Oliver," Vordigan says in an unintentionally hilarious way. He says Oliver left not for some high moral reason, but because he liked the thrill of the hunt just a little too much. Oh, dear God. Oliver still refuses to kill him. Vordigan's reply is so awfully overwrought that I feel I must transcribe it here: "I will hunt down and kill your apprentice, and when you see her dead body, the dark heart in you will rise up, and you will hunt me down, and take vengeance!" Oliver shoves him up against a tree and once again refuses to kill him. Come on, he deserves to die for his awful lines alone! Oliver steps back. Vordigan grabs him, throws him up against the tree, then sticks him in place with an arrow through the hand. Oliver: "Argh!"
Watchtower. Tappity-tap goes Chloe at her computer. I think that's 90% of what she does these days. Oh, thank goodness she's changed out of the fugly outfit. She has on a purple number with a leather belt that looks like an obi. Clark whooshes in after checking Oliver's boat and plane without finding him. Chloe fills Clark in on how hard it is to find information about secret societies. All the while, she keeps typing away. Clark pauses, then says, "Oliver's not the only one I've been worried about." Tappity-tap-tap. Clark goes on: "You've been looking at the world through a camera a lot lately. Maybe it's time you go out and live in it." Chloe keeps working, but explains she's just looking out for people. Clark worries about Chloe losing herself. She reassures him that won't happen. I predict it will happen, most likely after many episodes where nothing more of this matter is mentioned. Chloe finds something about an ancient altar with markings from the cult. She says an entrepreneur bought it from Ireland and had it shipped to his estate in Coast City. Chloe techno-babbles about tapping into satellite images of the area. They see the Spirograph maze. (See? Told you it was a not-very-secret thing to do.) The satellite surveillance is good enough for Chloe to see movement in the maze and then zoom in to see Mia running around. Clark recognizes her as the girl who's been training with Oliver. "Like an apprentice," Chloe says. She puts the pieces together for Clark with the whole dumb vow: "No lovers, that would explain why Lois was hit; no allies, which would explain my purple heart; and no disciples outside of the cult -- that's [Mia]." Clark looks blank but very pretty, then whooshes away.
Ridiculous hedge maze. Mia wanders around aimlessly until she hears someone coming. She starts running. Vordigan stalks her. Mia brushes against a branch, snapping it. Vordigan smiles and heads toward the sound. He ends up in a clearing where there are statues of nekkid guys. Mia sneaks up behind him and cracks him in the face with a big stick just as he turns toward her. He drops to the ground. She tries to past him but he grabs her ankle. She falls. Vordigan picks himself up just as Oliver shows up. Vordigan readies three arrows simultaneously and pulls back the bowstring. He looses the arrows. Everything slows down. Oliver runs toward Mia, knocking her out of the way. Oliver remains in the arrows' path. Luckily for him, Clark shows up and superzips into position between them, breaking the arrows with his back. Mind you, he does this all so quickly that no one actually sees him. Clark disappears and the action resumes its normal pace. Oliver levels his bow-gun-thingie and shoots Vordigan and seems not at all confused that he wasn't turned into bloody Swiss cheese. Vordigan falls. Clark whooshes back onto the scene, frowning slightly. Oliver says, "He always said the darkness inside me would rise up and I'd take his life." Clark's super powers protect him from the painful dialog. Oliver crouches down beside Vordigan and nudges him. Vordigan groans. "You were wrong," Oliver says. Oliver clarifies that he only shot Vordigan in the shoulder, as he was taught. Clark stares and frowns, wondering at what point did he become so trivial in his own story.
Ace of Clubs. Lois has miraculously recovered from her injury. There's not even a bandage and the neckline of her dress is open enough to show it if it were there. She's late for her date with Clark because she was distraught that some monster truck lost its drive train. Clark smiles and tries to tell her it's just a truck, but she's like, "That's like saying Tommy Lee is just a drummer!" Clark says nothing to that, prompting Lois to pine that Clark has no poetry in him. "You just have to look a little deeper," he says. She wishes for X-ray vision. I wish for a hardhat to protect me from the anvils. Clark apologizes for not visiting her in the hospital more, but he was trying to get more information on Dark Archer. (This is the only time he's called this in the episode.) Lois says it's OK: "Lucky for you, your friend kept me supplied with flowers and gifts." She shows Clark the charm Zod gave her, which she's attached to a gold bracelet. Clark looks at it. The happy club music gives way to ominous strings. Clark tries to play it cool. "Who gave it to you?" "You know, Zod," she says. Clark casually wants to know what Zod said about him. Lois is all good cheer about Zod saying such good things about Clark and wanting to get together. "That's not a good idea," Clark says. Lois thinks Clark's afraid of Zod revealing Clark's cow-tipping past. See, Clark, this would be a good time to tell Lois the truth. I mean, she's already in danger just from knowing you. You might as well fill her in so she can protect herself. But where's the drama in that? Speaking of which: Lois catches sight of Oliver across the room. They give each other friendly smiles that fade into sad smiles. Oliver sadly watches Lois and Clark walking away arm-in-arm.
Training facility. Mia's beating the crap out of a dummy with a pair of sticks. Oliver shows up. "Someone taught you well," he says. "Yeah, then told me he didn't want to see me again," Mia says, putting down her sticks. Oliver explains he was trying to protect her, hoping that Vordigan would leave her alone if he wasn't teaching her. She pointedly calls him Green Arrow, then hands over his keys. "Don't worry, I'm not going to tell all my friends I used to train with the Emerald Archer." So... she didn't know before now that he's Green Arrow? It's so hard to remember who knows what on this show. "He's not done with you yet," Oliver says, moving up higher on my shit list for talking about himself in the third person. Mia's ecstatic. She's glad her old teacher showed up again, but less happy that Oliver's teacher showed up. Oliver thinks for a while, then says he can't get Vordigan out of his head: "By the time he gets out of prison, he'll be an old man." So, Vordigan goes to jail for kidnapping and attempted murder, but Tess doesn't? Oliver whines about the dark places inside him. Mia, the only sensible person in the episode, says everyone has a dark place inside them. What matters is what they do with the lessons they learn. Oliver smiles and gives a slight nod.
Metropolis rooftop. Zod poses moodily against the skyline as Clark whooshes up to him. "Lois Lane is off limits," he says. Zod fingers a charm like the one he gave Lois. "A Rao charm is hardly cause for alarm," Zod says. He's a poet and he didn't even know it. Clark demands to know why Zod would give Lois a Kryptonian symbol. Zod explains that Rao symbolizes everything that's good. Clark is assuming the worst of him. It's because scary music plays every time you enter a room, dude. Clark is angry that Zod used Lois to send him a message. Zod teases Clark about being so mistrustful. "I trust those who trust me," Clark says, getting up in Zod's face. Zod smiles and says Clark trusts no one. "Not even the woman you're supposed to care for," he says. Clark looks taken aback. Zod presses on: "She has no idea who you are, does she?" Clark says crossing that line is why he won't help Zod get his powers. Zod gets tears in his eyes and his smile fades. He insists he's just trying to save their race, but Clark snits that Zod is just trying to save his army. Without them, Zod has no one to command. Zod insists he isn't doing this out of ego, but Clark thinks he has an agenda. "You go near Lois again and I will destroy you all," he says. He stares at Zod, letting that sink in for a second. So, I guess the attempt to befriend Zod is over? Clark superzips away. Zod looks stricken. Then he looks mad.
Downstairs, his main female soldier is waiting for him. They haven't given her a name yet, have they? She looks vaguely like Jennifer Lopez. I'm calling her Lop-Ez until they give her a name. Lop-Ez falls into step with Zod as he crosses the street. Did Zod get what he was looking for? "He didn't recognize the symbol," he says. Lop-Ez says they don't have much time. "I guess the book of Rao isn't on Earth after all," she says. Zod stops in his tracks, jabbing a finger at Lop-Ez's chest. He insists that Jor-El left it somewhere and as soon as they find it, they'll have the means to complete the tower. "And we will turn the yellow sun red," Zod promises. After that, Kal-El will be one of Zod's soldiers, or a prisoner in his stockade. They smile and look up to where the nearly complete tower stands against the sky, like two big middle fingers aimed at the universe. Seriously. What the hell? Tess and Clark both saw the future. All of Clark's super-friends know about the tower. Why are they letting this thing be built? It's just... so dumb. So very, very Dumb! Thinking about it actually physically makes my head hurt, so let's call it a night, shall we?
week: I recap my fingers to bloody nubs as Smallville airs a two-hour "movie." Stay tuned!
Tippi Blevins is going to cover her forehead with a cool, moist towel and try to forget this episode. You can reach her at b_tippi@yahoo.com