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It's another disjointed episode, but I'll do my best to try to summarize everything here.
Lois decides she wants a job on TV because print media is dying. She gets Clark to help her audition for Good Morning, Metropolis and despite their being horrible in front of the camera, they get the job. Yes, they both get the job, because when the cameras are off their bickering somehow convinces the producers that they're naturals. Their first assignment is to find dates via an Internet matchmaking site and then report on them. This leads to all the wacky hijinks you'd expect, with Clark and Lois jealous of each other's dates. Lois's date turns out to be Oliver. He makes a play for her, but Lois gently shoots him down because she's in love with Clark. In the end, Clark and Lois lose the TV gig, because Smallville is not about Lois and Clark as TV show hosts. Clark, thinking that Lois and Oliver are together again (because of the wacky hijinks and all), decides to step aside until Chloe tells him to stop being such a martyr, so he goes and plants a smooch on Lois right in the middle of the Daily Planet's basement office. The episode ends there so it's anyone's guess as to how they'll inevitably backpedal from that week.
In Oliver's other plot, he's busy trying to rescue Mia "Speedy" Dearden from a life of prostitution. He sees her fighting (and beating) a guy twice her size at one of the city's ubiquitous fight clubs and decides she can be trained to be a hero. Her skuzzy pimp proves to be a bit of a hurdle, but Clark saves the day when the guy decides to go after Oliver, guns blazing.
In the "C" and "D" plots, which seem like they belong on a much better show, Chloe is tracking the Kandorians but running into trouble because she needs info that is locked behind Tess's many computer firewalls. She eventually discovers that the mastermind behind the firewalls is Tess's young minion, Stuart. Chloe's so impressed that she decides she should offer Stu a job. The Kandorians, meanwhile, have been busy in (sadly) off-screen machinations that have made Zod the chairman of a company that's funding Tess's solar-powered building project. Zod tells one of his soldiers -- who himself has maneuvered himself into a position as one of Tess's security guards -- to find out from Tess what she knows about Jor-El… and then kill her. Zod waits at a street café with quiet confidence to hear back from his soldier. What he gets back instead is the soldier's dogtag, covered in blood, delivered to him in a plain white envelope. When he looks up, scanning the streets for the mystery messenger, he sees Tess standing across the street, smiling calmly at him. Game on, sucka.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!There's no "previously on Smallville" this week because, frankly, remembering things about this show is just going to lead to frustration and pain.
Instead the episode cold-opens with an intro for a morning talk show called Good Morning, Metropolis that highlights how tonight's "A" plot seems like it comes from an entirely different show. Not a better show, mind you, just a different one. The intro music and graphics are bouncy and cheesy and full of the kind of good cheer that would make even diehard morning people want to commit violence. The intro also shows a Kansas that could only exist in some alternate universe, where the Great Plains are populated by cargo ships and expansive bays. The title graphic gives way to Lois Lane's smiling face. We see her as if we're watching her on a TV-within-our-TV. She introduces herself as the host of this cheesetastic show. As the camera pulls back, she's revealed to be wearing a light pink dress that's somehow both skimpy and matronly all at once. Also revealed is one Clark Kent, sitting beside Lois at the host's table, looking around at the set lights and fiddling with his suit. Lois stares at him until he realizes it's his turn to speak. He introduces himself as the co-host. The view shifts and we see the action as if we're on this morning show's set during filming. A woman standing beside the cameras watches and waits. We'll just call her the producer, since they never say who she is. Lois sets Clark up for his line, but he bungles it even though there seems to be a teleprompter. Tinkly, cheerful music plays, working way too hard to convince us that this is the kind scene you'd find in an old romantic comedy.
Lois asks if they can start over and the producer gives them time to get it together. Lois starts off telling Clark she appreciates him helping her "audition" but appreciation quickly gives way to bickering. She wants a job on this show because newspapers are on the "endangered species list" and this show is her only backup plan. Wouldn't a more natural transition be to work on web-based news? Clark and Lois bicker back and forth. It's supposed to be cute but I'm already glancing at my watch. The producer is enthralled, though, and watches like she's just come across two particularly comical monkeys at the zoo. To prove how committed he is to helping her, Clark announces: "I bought a new tie!" Lois counters with her whole new outfit. Clark tells her she looks great. Instead of taking the compliment, Lois tells him, "Don't you dare reassure me right now!" Clark quietly says he's doing all this for her: "How else am I going to get that second date?" Lois retorts, "Well, you should have thought about that before you stood me up the first time." Clark looks confused. You're confused because she is inane, fool! The set lights start clicking off, leaving the doofy duo in darkness. Lois thinks the audition has been cut short and asks for another take. The producer smiles and asks, "What do you say you come in bright and early Monday morning and give it another whirl? Congratulations! You got the job!" Thrilled, Lois throws her arms around Clark, promising not to forget him when she goes "national." The producer corrects her: they want both Lois and Clark to host the show. Lois protests. Clark protests. I protest. The producer compares their chemistry to Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy (uh, no) and to Regis and Kelly (eh). She tells them it's a package deal: "Either you both stay or you both go." Lois smiles awkwardly at Clark. He smiles awkwardly back. They smile at each other again and then look away. I wait for someone to say something that makes sense, but the only sound is the tinkly music ramping up to a comedic crescendo. And... end scene. Somebody save us all!
Daily Planet basement, dawn. Clark wanders through the office, frowning at several sheets of paper in his hands. Reading is hard! "Hey!" a friendly voice greets him from off-screen. He looks up to see Chloe coming down the stairs toward him. She's wearing a cute green ensemble and a long gold and green necklace that I covet. Chloe asks if Lois got the job. "Yeah, and so did I," Clark says, because apparently he has time to be on TV every day even though he didn't even have time to watch a movie last week. Chloe lets out a little incredulous laugh. "So, what's your first story?" she asks, not at all concealing how funny she thinks this all is. "Online dating," he grumps. They're supposed to set up dates through the Internet and then talk about them on the show. Clark and Chloe walk through the office, Chloe near laughter the whole time. She teases that it's his "bravest move yet" to take a TV job just to get back into Lois's "good graces." I don't think that's all he wants to get into. He thinks it's more important that he track down the Kandorians. Chloe tells us about a much better and more expensive show where Clark has been going all over the globe searching for the alien symbols, but by the time he got to each symbol the Kandorians were long gone. Clark thinks he should keep looking, but Chloe thinks they should look closer to home because Tess has been reinforcing her computer firewalls and cutting security video feeds. "Now, given her attraction to all things alien..." Chloe trails off. Clark concludes: "You think she's building her own Area 51." Chloe plans to use Watchtower to find out more. Clark wants to help, but Chloe convinces him to focus on tonight's goofy "A" plot while she handles one of the more interesting stories. Chloe leaves and Clark goes back to focusing on his papers.
As Clark wanders through the office, the tinkly music of silly, dewy-eyed romance starts playing again so you know Lois is about to show up. And there she is, sitting at her computer as Clark drops his papers onto her desk. She asks, "What are these?" He says they're the release forms the TV station wants them to sign before their dates. She protests she hasn't even found a date yet. She says she's still filling out the online dating profile and carefully choosing just the right words to use. Too bad you're not a trained writer, or anything. Things would go so much quicker. "I filled mine out in ten minutes," he says, looking more and more worried by the second. Lois snarks that that'll be the only "10" he gets out of it. Clark smirks and goes to check out her profile. Reading over her shoulder, he notices that Lois is stretching the truth a bit. Instead of saying she likes movie theaters, the profile says she likes "the theatre." Instead of a six-pack, it says she likes "bubbly." Lois glances in the general direction of Clark's abs and says she does like a six-pack... but Clark doesn't notice the compliment. He does notice, though, that there's nothing in Lois's profile about her love of monster trucks. Lois thinks that's not something that would attract the kind of guy who would "impress the home viewers." Clark tries to reassure her that she has lots of good qualities that would attract a man, but when she presses him to name them, he comes up blank. Ha! She narrows her eyes at him and continues to wait. He finally stammers out, "Well, you're Lois!" Seriously, you couldn't even come up with the fact that she's pretty? Even I could come up with that and I don't especially like her! Lois is about as impressed as I am. She sarcastically wishes him good luck with his date: "I'm sure you'll sweep her off her feet." Clark looks like he had kryptonite Wheaties for breakfast. The tinkly music finishes with a cheerful flourish.
Suddenly, we're in the middle of a dark warehouse where a crowd has assembled to watch a dark-haired young woman beat the shit out of a burly, half-naked man. Thumping electronic rock music plays. I have mental whiplash from the transition. The mystery woman somersaults and kicks and takes several punches to the face but keeps on going. She drops her opponent with hard drive of her heel into the back of his knee. When he goes down, she flips him and pins him to the floor. She delivers two hard blows to his jaw. You know what this is, don't you? Yet another fight that's cooler than last season's crummy Doomsday fight. Lady Pugilist gets to her feet, blood dripping out of her nose, and throws her arms up in victory. The extras in the background cheer her on. Or maybe they're just happy they got assigned to this cool fight scene and not one of the episode's boring rom-com scenes. A skuzzy little bearded guy in a hat grabs her wrist, cutting her celebration short. "You keep making me hunt you down, Mia," he says with a sneer. He opens his jacket to show her the gun tucked into his pants waist. "How are you supposed to pay me back if you keep running away?" he asks. She calls him Rick and starts to explain, but he drags her away from the fight. "Don't want you hurting that pretty little face," he says. "That's your moneymaker, baby!" As they leave along with two thuggish fellows, we see that Oliver Queen has been standing on the edges of the crowd, watching the whole thing.
Metropolis, red-light district. Ladies of the evening hang out on the streets, chatting with one another, waiting for Richard Gere to show up. Mia is among them, wearing a red miniskirt, tiny yellow top, and a bobbed blond wig not unlike Vivian Ward's wig. Oliver pulls up to the curb in his pretty little Aston Martin and rolls down the window. Mia walks up to him and glances over to where Pimpy Rick is standing with his thugs down the street. She displays her car knowledge by telling Oliver that nothing compares to the original Aston Martin V8 Vantage. Oliver is so impressed that he lets her drive. Hey, I know about cars! Why does no one let me drive their awesome cars? Is it because I'm not a hooker? I knew I should have gone into a different line of work. Anyway, she drives so fast that Old Man Ollie is like, "Whoa, slow down, Speedy!" He tells her he's trying to stay away from "life in the fast lane." She asks, "So why are you cruising for company?" "I was looking for you," he says. The rockin' music quiets to something more serious. He tells her he saw her fighting and thinks she's talented. She doesn't get why he would care. He says he just wants to help her fix her life: "That last guy was twice your size. He kept beating you down and you just kept coming back after him." She quietly tells him she doesn't bruise easily and he acknowledges that may be true for the outside. He goes on: "I used to fight for the same reasons you do." To work out your feelings of anger and helplessness because you were forced to sell your body? Now that's a Smallville I'd like to see. He blah-blahs about how the real battle was with himself. He offers to train her and help her overcome her fear and hate, and to help get her off the streets. "Aw, my hero," she coos with more than a little sarcasm. He just looks at her. She asks with all seriousness what this "help" will cost her. "Just time enough to prove you can trust me," Oliver says. She looks doubtful, but intrigued. The car speeds into the night.
we go to the old Luthor mansion for another abrupt shift in plot. Tess and her wee minion Stuart are walking together through the hall. He looks to be a full head shorter than her. She's got on an awesome cocktail dress that looks like brushed metal. Stuart's explaining to her that someone is trying to hack into their system. "They're pretty good," he warns her. She warns him right back, "Then be better." He stops in his tracks. She tells him if he doesn't fix the situation, she'll have him "terminated." He looks scared and asks if she means she'll fire him. She just quirks an eyebrow at him and heads for the office/study/whatever that big all-purpose room in the mansion is called. Stuart follows after her, looking for reassurance that she's not going to kill him, but he's stopped at the door by a bald security guard. He has a sort of Billy Zane quality to him. Inside the office, things have been set up for a party: Tables with green linens, flower arrangements, champagne flutes, and two dozen people in their cocktail wear. Tess approaches a lighted podium thingie and thanks everyone for coming. She launches into a speech about wanting to steer LuthorCorp towards more environmentally conscious projects. "I just had to prove that going green meant going up... on the stock exchange." She announces that they've acquired "cutting edge technology" from their new partner, RAO Incorporated. Tess confidently says their new project will put the planet back on course. She touches the podium and a holographic image appears, showing the glowing outline of two buildings that resemble the Petronas towers. An image of the sun appears over the towers. She calls it the "world's first completely self-sustaining solar tower" and says it will generate enough energy to power Metropolis. Everyone starts clapping, none more loudly than Major Zod, who is now making his way through the crowd toward Tess. He's got a snazzy black suit over a dark red shirt and looks all freshly scrubbed and shaved. Woof. Tess's look of confidence freezes and then falls away, showing her shock. He raises a champagne flute and says, "Bravo, Tess." He congratulates her on the project. Quickly recovering from the surprise, she calls him "Mr. Zod" and says she never expected to see him there. He tells her -- and the assembled crowd -- that he's now chairman and CEO of RAO. (If you're not a comics geek, click on that link to see how apt the company's name is.) The crowd applauds him, as do I. Zod feigns modesty and asks them to save it for their "stunning hostess." He goes on: "By taking on this project, she is making my simple project of harnessing the powers of the sun a reality." Zod has mastered the skills of Earth finance and double meanings in the few short weeks since his arrival. Awesome. He raises his glass again and calls Tess their savior. Tess looks rightfully nervous, but manages a small smile for the crowd. "This tower will change the world," Zod swears. Everyone but Tess smiles like happy, unknowing sheep on the way to slaughter.
I'm sad the scene is over because now it means we're back to the goofy and improbable morning show plot. Yes, I'm complaining about things being improbable on a show where a guy melts things with his eyes. It's all about internal logic, people! Anyway, Clark is sitting at a table outside a café and the incessantly cheerful music is back. A camera is trained on him. He looks like he's suffering from fatal indigestion. A cute production guy tells Clark it's time for a sound check and they go through this needlessly long, dumb routine of Clark figuring out an earpiece. Lois's voice in his earpiece teases him for being "green." You're not any more experienced at this than he is, hon. She is back at the studio with the producer lady from the opening scene, watching Clark squirm via an assortment of monitors. She reminds him again of standing her up at the monster truck rally. Clark thinks they shouldn't talk about this while they're being taped. Producer lady gives Lois a nod of encouragement. She gets an impish look her face and agrees to talk about something else, instead -- his online dating profile. She thinks his farming background is either going to get him a "country mouse or a cougar looking for her meal." Lois is the latter, right? What walks up to Clark's table appears to be neither, at first glance. She's a youngish blond in a nice dress suit and she introduces herself as "Catherine." She's supposed to be a reference to Cat Grant, but she's coming across as rather less trashy than you might expect. Lois looks crestfallen when she sees this perky-yet-wholesome lass. Clark looks quite pleased to meet her and does the gentlemanly thing of pulling out her chair for her. Cat looks nervously at the camera. "This isn't live, is it?" Clark tells her they're taping it. Lois's voice in his ear snarks, "If you can't take the heat, sister, get out of the café." Clark holds a hand to his ear and tells Cat, he has a "really annoying ringing" in his ear. Cat says she can barely hear anything over her own heartbeat. Lois is unimpressed but I think she's kind of adorable. Clark suggests she treat it like any other date, but Cat's been too busy to go on many dates. Clark loosens up and seems to forget the cameras are there. They talk about her working for the Peace Corps. Now she's back in school, getting double PhDs in sociology and social justice. Hon, you've got no chance with Clark. He likes his ladies mean and intellectually unambitious. They beam megawatt smiles at each other. Lois congratulates Clark on dating "Mother Teresa in six-inch heels." Ugh, what a mental image. Clark ignores her and keeps smiling at Cat.
Luthor mansion. Oh, yay! The awesome alien intrigue story is back. All Tess's guests have gone, save one Mr. Zod. "You're welcome," he says. "I didn't thank you," she reminds him. She looks like she's mentally undressing him. Oh, wait... that's what I'm doing. Tess actually looks like she's mentally stabbing him to death. Zod thinks she should be thanking him because his people's "highly evolved intelligence" will now be making LuthorCorp the most technologically advance company on Earth. "The question is, what do you want?" she asks. "Someone who betrayed us," he says, looking genuinely hurt. "The one you call the Blur," he says. (Remember, he thinks Jor-El is the Blur because of Clark's stupid flaming family crest being everywhere.) Tess turns away from him and crosses the room so he can't read her expression. She lies that she's flattered he would think she knows how to find the Blur. He makes a purring sound of warning and follows her. "You disappoint me," he says, "but I'll play your game." Tess drinks from a blue water bottle like Lex used to. Aw. I miss old school Lex. Zod comes up very close behind her and explains with more than a little menace about the Blur's blood being used to cure that virus a while back. "We took a sample to the lab to be tested --" Here he taps her on the rump to get her to face him. "-- and instead, every last drop had been destroyed... at your request." She feigns ignorance, but the look in her eyes is challenging. He thinks Tess's destruction of the sample means she's either protecting the Blur or trying to use him as a bargaining chip. Tess gives him a sly smile and saunters past him. She reminds him she freed his people because she thought they would save humanity. "The only way I can make sure that happens is if we're equal partners," she says. Zod looks like she just asked him to make out with a goat. "No human will ever stand on equal footing with a Kandorian," he says, his voice dripping with hate. He takes as leave, stopping to chat with the Billy Zane guard outside the room. "Make her tell you where the Blur is," Zod says, "or kill her." "Yes, Major," the guard replies. Fantastic.
LuthorCorp building. Oliver's in his office, shirtless, sweaty, and toweling himself off. Very nice. Lois breezes in, getting her silly "A" plot all mixed in with Oliver's slightly better "B" plot. She says she needs help. Oliver says it's not a good time but, naturally, she ignores him completely. She fills him in about her and Clark's "side job" hosting Good Morning, Metropolis and their first assignment about online dating. Oliver gets a chuckle out of Clark going on a blind date, but Lois has to admit he did a great job. "You want to be better," Oliver guesses. Lois says she wants him to tell her about all her "red flags," meaning all the things that annoyed him when they were dating. She's got a new dress and rented out the whole Ace of Clubs (overkill!) but needs to identify her faults. Oliver says he only remembers the good things: "Like how you used to brush your hair back when you were nervous, or how you'd call out football plays in your sleep." Aw. That's actually kind of sweet. And yet Clark couldn't come up with a single good quality. Lois smiles, quite charmed until a door opens behind her and a dewy Mia walks out wearing naught but a towel. Mia thanks Oliver for the "workout" and wonders if he could "pay in smaller bills." Har, har, har! Sexy misunderstandings are so fresh! Oliver tries to explain to Lois that they were just sparring. "I'm not here to judge," she says, then proceeds to judge him thusly: "I just hoped you would spend more than one week clean before you got back in the gutter." Lois storms out. Oliver calls after her, but to no avail.
Watchtower. Chloe is tappity-tapping at one of her computers, trying to get through Tess's firewalls. She makes it through the 27th firewall but still can't get into the computer files. Another wall goes up. We switch to Stuart's hovel of an office, where he's matching every one of Chloe's attacks with another defense. He seems quite thrilled. "That's right my hapless hacker, you have been served," he says. He doesn't have long to enjoy his latest triumph, though, because firewall #28 goes down. He's impressed, but sets up another block. Chloe back at the Watchtower is less enthused: "OK, now you made me angry." She cracks her neck like she's getting ready to throw down.
Oliver's office. Mia is zipping up her thigh-high red boots when Oliver walks by and lays a hand on her leg. She reminds him there were supposed to be no strings attached. "I'm not trying to sleep with you, kid," he tells her. He just wants his $50,000 watch back. She rolls her eyes, reaches into the top of her boot, and pulls out the pilfered watch in question. Oliver wonders why she'd want to go back to a life on the streets. She says, "You don't get it -- if I can finishing paying Rick what I owe him, then I'm done." Oliver offers to pay Rick off himself, but Mia doesn't want to owe Oliver. "I'm not that type of guy," he tries to reassure her, but she knows every type of guy and sick of them all. She grabs her purse and starts out the door. Oliver doesn't go after her, but tells her he just wants her to do something with her life she can be proud of. She turns to face him, wondering why he'd help her. "Because I know what it's like to be stuck in a place you feel there's no escape from," he tells her. She has tears in her eyes. She says if she says, it'll cost him. He shows her the clothes his staff has already bought her. It's age-appropriate sweaters and stuff. "Oh, and I hope you dress as fast as you drive, because I'm gonna need you to drop me off somewhere," he says. He tosses her the keys to the Aston Martin. Mia looks like she can't believe her luck.
Ace of Clubs. Lois sits at a table lighting candles. If I showed up for a first date and found out the whole club had been rented out just for the two of us, I'd run away screaming. Lois asks a waiter for something stronger than wine and Clark, via Lois's earpiece, teases her about her drinking. "You sound like my mother on prom night," she shoots back. She poses for the camera and asks him how she looks. "If this was prom, you'd be crowned Queen," he says. "Your date's a lucky man." She thinks he sounds jealous. I think he sounds perhaps wistful, but not jealous. She says, "All's fair in love in war," which makes Clark wonder which one it will be for the two of them. Lois practically wriggles in her seat. "It sounds like you're asking me on that second date," she says. Romantic string music plays. He asks her what she'd say if he did ask her out. "I'll tell you what I'd say," she starts, but is interrupted by the arrival of her date. "Oliver," she blurts out in surprise. He tells her he paid off her real date, who is now on his way out of the building. Lois smiles nervously. Clark watches the video feed with a frown. Comical love triangle music plays.
Another abrupt shift and we're back once more on the misty, dark streets of the red-light district. Mia gets out of Oliver's purty Aston Martin. Pimpy Rick and his thug pals are waiting for her at the curb. "Wasn't sure you'd show up, Princess," Pimpy Rick says. She hands him the keys to the Aston Martin, saying, "This should finish paying off what I owe you." She makes the mistake of telling him that the car belongs to Oliver Queen, who Pimpy Rick now wants to rob. He wants Mia to show him where she dropped Oliver off tonight. How did he know she didn't just steal the car? Pimpy powers of perception, I guess. Rick grabs her by the throat, threatening to never let her go. "You're my top earner, baby. If you run, I will find you. No second chances." He releases her with a little shove, laughing in her face. That guy needs his eyes eaten out by rabid mongooses.
Back to the rom-com plot. Clark watches the video feed of Lois's date. She guzzles champagne. Oliver says he took her for a beer girl. She gives a fake laugh: "No, no, only the finer things in life for Lois Lane." Oliver offers to make a toast, but Lois is already sucking down another glass of bubbly. Lois is peeved because she thinks he's there to ruin her date, as if walking in on him earlier that day wasn't bad enough. He tries to explain he was helping this girl. "You helped her out of her clothes," Lois says with an incredulous laugh. Oliver presses on: "I just thought your audience might want a date with Metropolis's most eligible billionaire bachelor." Lois admits it wouldn't hurt the ratings and gives him a chance to explain himself. He goes on to tell that of all the things he loves about her, the thing he loves the most is that she's still in his life. "Because you're still in my heart," he says. Clark looks sick watching this transpire. Lois, wide-eyed, sighs: "Check please!" She bolts from the table, grabbing Oliver by the hand and leading him away from the table and cameras. Clark calls after her but she turns off her earpiece. Obviously, he misunderstands Lois's move as a romantic escape, but she's just talking to Oliver out on the balcony to talk. "Couldn't this heart-to-heart have waited till the cameras were off?" she asks. The poor fool tells her he's not hiding how he's feeling. His voice breaking, he tells her she's the best part of his life. She touches his cheek and tells him, "I love you... as a dear friend." He dies a little inside. She says she has to be honest with him. Oliver guesses that she wants to be with Clark. She nods. Oliver tears up but manages to say he's happy she knows what she wants. "It just hurts knowing it's not me." "I am so sorry," she whispers. He sniffles and kisses her forehead. "Goodnight, Lois," he says with as much cheer as he can muster, then walks away. Lois fights back tears.
In the alley behind the club, Oliver finds Mia waiting for him in the Aston Martin. He seems puzzled to see her, but starts walking toward the car. Just then, Lois shows up mostly to get caught up in the shit that's about to go down, but also to assure him she's not going to let him wander down any more dark alleys. But... that's where his car is! He tells her not to worry. "I'm all about embracing life, not trying to end it," he says. They smile at each other and hug. Over Oliver's shoulder, Lois sees Mia waiting in the car. "Is Towel Girl your driver now? Maybe your plan B?" Boy, you really think highly of him, huh? Oliver brings Lois over to the car to introduce her to Mia. Suspenseful music plays. Oliver taps on the driver's side window. For several long moments, Mia won't meet his gaze. When she finally does, it's with a whispered, "I'm sorry." Pimpy Rick comes up behind Oliver and whacks him in the back of the head. Oliver falls to the street. Lois takes a step toward him but Rick pulls a gun on her, stopping her in her tracks.
Back at the TV studio, Clark is sadly turning off the monitors. Producer lady compliments him on a great job. "Have you seen the new marketing ad?" she asks. She shows him a life-size cut-out of him and Lois, posed back-to-back. Lois looks like a Vargas pinup girl, all arched back and flirtatious smiles, while Clark looks like he's waiting for the bus. "I have high hopes for you two," the producer lady says. Sad music plays. "So did I," Clark says under his breath.
Back in the alley, Oliver has just been thrown to the ground. Mia protests to Rick: "You said you wouldn't hurt him!" And you believed him? Rick is marching Lois through the alley, his gun at her back. Lois snarks to Mia: "Tell me you didn't pick Prince Charming here over Oliver." Rick tells her to shut up. Lois spins around and punches Rick, somehow miraculously not getting shot for her troubles. She knocks Rick to the ground. His thug pals join in and wrestle Lois into submission. In the process, her earpiece falls out and is activated when it hits the ground. Rick levels his gun at Lois. Mia kicks his wrist, sending the gun flying high into the air. She catches it and aims at Rick. "I can't let you do this," she says. "Streetwalker thinks she's a street fighter," Rick says. He snatches the gun away from Mia when she hesitates. He hits her and she falls to the ground, unconscious, even though she took a much more severe beating in that fighting ring earlier. By this time, Oliver has come to and joins the fight. He takes on Pimpy Rick while Lois starts fighting the two thugs. When they go down, Lois and Oliver make a run for it. Pimpy Rick whips out a machine gun and starts firing, but somehow doesn't hit them. Clark hears the ruckus via Lois's fallen earpiece and superzips out of the studio.
Lois and Oliver decide to abandon all common sense to run up some stairs and onto the roof. Pimpy Rick catches up to them and shoots. Oliver makes a grunting sound like he's been shot, but maybe it's just a sound of frustration. Realizing they've been cornered, Oliver holds Lois close, trying to shield her form Rick. She buries her face in Oliver's chest. I guess if you have to die, it's a nice thing to see before you go. Pimpy Rick shoots and several bullets fly out in extra super slo-mo CGI. Clark shows up to stand between the bullets and Oliver, allowing them to hit him in the chest. He uses his heat vision to obliterate more bullets and the gun, but one bullet escapes him and makes its way toward Oliver. Still in extra super slow "bullet time", Clark plucks the bullet out of the air just before it reaches Oliver's face. Time resumes its normal pace and Rick's gun explodes, knocking him back. Clark spends several long moments glaring at Oliver, because now is the perfect time to let him know just how pissed you are that Lois seemingly chose him over you. Fool is lucky she still has her face buried in Oliver's chest. Finally, he zips away and Lois looks up at Oliver, realizing they're still alive. They embrace. Clark watches from a rooftop some distance away, his mood as dark as his Emo Blur outfit.
Luthor mansion. Tess has on a gorgeous charmeuse dressing gown that I would wear all the time if I owned it. Seriously, I'd wash my car and buy groceries in it. She sips whiskey and studies the 3D model of her solar tower for a moment before deactivating it. "You will respect me," she says, obviously recalling the events of earlier in the day. The way the expressions play out on her face make it easy to imagine she's been replaying her confrontation with Zod and imagining how else things could have gone. Behind her, the door opens and the Zane-style guard walks in. "Leave me alone," she commands him. "I'm afraid I can't do that," he says. "Excuse me?" she says, turning to face this impertinent peon. He closes the doors, shutting the two of them into the room together. He creepily starts undoing his tie and shirt collar, saying, "I had to wait until we were alone, so we wouldn't be interrupted." He advances and Tess takes a step back. Menace charges the air. He reaches into his shirt to show Tess his Kandorian soldier's dog tag. "I have a message from Major Zod: Tell me where the Blur is... or die." He smiles. Tess looks fearful, but says nothing.
Watchtower. Chloe has just made it trough firewall #99 when Clark comes in looking for an update. She thinks she's just about there, but when she makes it through the hundredth firewall, a video of Stuart pops up: "Greetings, estimable foe, whoever you are." He says he knows whoever's been trying to hack into the system must be tired, so he advises them to just give up. He also holds his hand right up to the camera and says, "Talk to the hand," because he thinks it's still 1999. The gesture also allows Chloe to get a snapshot of his hand and analyze his fingerprints. With the prints, she's able to pull up a file that identifies him as one Stuart Campbell, aged 20, with a Masters degree from MIT. He's also interested in electric guitar and snowboarding, but that's neither here nor there. Chloe is quite pleased with herself. "Nice work," Clark tells her. As Chloe reads his file, she becomes increasingly impressed with the databases Stuart has managed to hack into. "We could do a lot with this kind of leverage," she says. A smile steals across her face as she turns to Clark. "Or maybe even get him to join us." Clark thinks Stuart's an even match for Chloe but she doesn't think so: "Please, every time I'd get close, he'd show up and block me." This gives Clark the segue he needs to talk about his love life. "I know the feeling," he sighs. He tells Chloe and seeing Lois with Oliver, and how happy Oliver looked. Chloe thinks that Clark's ability to sacrifice his own happiness for others is a weakness. She basically tells him to go for what he wants. Seems like his doing that in the past has led to some problems, but whatever. Clark thinks about it really hard for a while, then nods.
Zod is enjoying a spot of espresso at that outdoor café in Metropolis. The wee cup looks especially cute in his hand, the little handle clasped between thumb and forefinger. He sips and watches the world go by for a moment, then closes his eyes and turns his face up to the sun for a bit of a wistful bask. When he opens his eyes again, there's a plain white envelope lying to his cup. He glances around before picking it up. There's a faint metallic rustling as he empties the contents into his palm. His expression darkens. He lifts the object into view -- it's the guard's dog tag, smeared with blood. Zod looks up and sees Tess standing across the street, watching him. She's holding a paper coffee cup, which she raises in a silent toast. I can't tell from his expression whether he's angry or impressed... or both. She quirks a challenging smile at him, then vanishes when a bus passes between them. Zod clenches his jaw. I'm going to watch that scene again even though I'm done recapping it, that's how awesome it is.
And now I'm back. "End of the World" by Dead by Sunrise plays. The action for the following scene is all in slow motion. It plays like a music video, kinda. Stuart is wandering into an alley, glancing around nervously. Chloe walks up behind him through a veil of mist. He turns to see her, possibly surprised to see that his "estimable foe" is a cute girl. She wordlessly gives him a manila envelope. He takes a look at the contents and finds all the information Chloe had pulled up on him, including the screenshot of his hand. He's stunned, but seems impressed. They shake hands, apparently having reached some understanding or agreement that we're not privy to. Back in the red-light district, Mia is standing around in her same red and yellow get-up and blond wig. Why's she there even though Pimpy Rick has been thwarted? Who knows? Oliver pulls up to the curb in the Aston Martin and smiles at her. The song is going on about not being able to buy gas or pay rent. Oliver cocks his head toward the passenger seat in invitation. She gets in and takes off her wig. They smile at each other and speed off down the street as the rockin' music comes to and end.
The end! Thanks for reading the recap, everyone. See you here again week!
Wait, you say the episode's not over yet? But there was a slow-motion rock video! The two parallel plots of Oliver and Chloe rescuing their respective waifs have concluded! There was an awesome scene where Zod found out how kickass Tess is! Everything's been all wrapped up for the episode, hasn't it? It hasn't? Aw, crap. All right, here we go...
Daily Planet. Clark walks into the basement office and spies Lois looking over some papers. Sweet, soaring romantic music plays. He smiles warmly just watching her. I hope he's gone to the trouble of confirming that, despite what he thought earlier, Lois is not involved with Oliver again because otherwise he's about to be a big douche. "Lois," Clark starts. Not listening to him, Lois rants about the TV station firing them and going with someone else for the morning show. "Lois," Clark tries again. Lois rants some more about everything they went through and almost getting killed. She holds up her paper and shows Clark an ad featuring the person chosen to replace them. It's Catherine, Clark's blind date. For some reason, she's wearing Lois's pink dress and pearls. "Apparently, blonds test better with morning viewers," Lois snarks. "Lois," Clark tries yet again. Lois keeps ranting and raving, so Clark finally shuts her up by kissing her. She's surprised for a second, then kisses him back. They kiss and kiss, right in the middle of the office. The end for real!
Tippi Blevins is not an unromantic curmudgeon, despite evidence to the contrary. You can contact her at b_tippi@yahoo.com.