When she and Chloe get carjacked in the alleys of Metropolis, Lois kicks the ass of their attackers despite wearing a dress and stiletto-heeled boots, and establishes the superhero alter ego of Stiletto. Hoping to draw out the Red-Blue Blur, Lois violates journalistic ethics by quoting Stiletto in a story, dressing up in vinyl and getting Jimmy to take pictures of her. The thugs get away with Chloe's encrypted, secrets-filled laptop, and Chloe asks Clark to get it back lest Justice League secrets become known. The thief, Mannheim, takes over his gang by whacking his counterfeiter boss in the back room of the Ace of Clubs, where Jimmy is working as a bartender. When he finds out that Jimmy's camera holds pictures of Chloe and Stiletto, Mannheim smacks him around, sends a thug to shank Chloe (who is promptly eaten by Bloomsday), and decides to hack the laptop. Clark confronts Loistiletto at a crime scene and tells her not to publish the story of lies, or things could go badly, so she goes to find Jimmy at the club -- which is also where Clark is heading, to investigate the crimeboss whose lawyer sprung the other carjacker. Clark is immediately weakened by the counterfeit bills (because they're using Kryptonite to get the color right, naturally) and Loistiletto has to crash through a skylight to save him and Jimmy. Clark takes a bullet for Lois, and Jimmy helps bring down Mannheim and turn him in. Lois is eternally grateful to Clark, calling him a superhero and bringing him lunch at his desk, and Clark pays her back by getting her a phone call with the Red-Blue Blur. Meanwhile, Jimmy uses some of the counterfeit bills to support his drug habit, and Chloe takes out the body parts and realizes there's blood on her hands. The girl is starting to lose it, big time. - Zach Oat
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Four episodes left in the season. Let's get the obligatory, "Oh yeah, Lois Lane has feelings and stuff, supposedly" episode out of the way.
We see the front of a theater in Metropolis (spelled, in a very untheatrical way, "Theater" instead of "Theatre") at night. The marquee reads, "Edward R Murrow Press Society." Worst movie title ever. And I thought last week's movie, Geraldo Rivera's Poker Night Crew was bad. There's flash photography coming from inside the theater, but it really just looks like a strobe light at a nightclub. Outside are dual red carpets, a limousine and other things newspaper journalists never, ever get to partake of for themselves. This must be a broadcast journalist-only event. A thin, blonde woman who is cocking her hip to the side and rocking a clipboard tells another woman that if she's not a member of the press society, she won't be on the list. "Check again," a voice from my nightmares says, "LOIS. LANE." We get the reverse angle and see Lois, who's wearing a silky black scarf around her neck. Her hair is brushed forward. She tells the lady she's written tons of stories for The Daily Planet. Some of them even ran in the paper. The door lady says she's heard of the paper. But Lois? "Not so much," she tells our journalism antihero. The woman tries to ignore Lois, but Lois implores her with the sad tale of the five-inch boot heels she had to wear to this thing. Yeah, that's not gonna get you in. You should have gone with, "The five-part series I wrote about Somali refugees." The woman says there's nothing she can do. There really usually isn't anything anyone can do when Lois is around, except strap in and try to shut your ears off.
Lois, annoyed, asks the woman to tell Edward R. Murrow that he can kiss her sweet cub reporter -- and then she's interrupted by Chloe. I bet Murrow wishes he was alive to kiss anyone's ass. Or that he was zombified enough that he could do a story on the tastiness of human brains. Lois thanks Chloe for coming and tells her that "The gargoyle at the gate" won't let her in. The gargoyle can hear you. Dumb Shit Lois strikes again. Chloe says her car's around the corner. She leads Lois away. Lois, who doesn't know that Edward R. Murrow is dead, knows that this was the premier event for journalistic excellence. There should be a Lois Lane-proof force field around it, if that's the case. It would be powered by the tears of editors. We see Lois's outfit in full. Black scarf, boob-lifting little black dress, gigantic leather boots. Well, that is the standard newspaper reporter eveningwear, I gotta give her that. Chloe lies and calls Lois an excellent reporter. *cough*bullshit*cough* Lois complains that she was a good reporter, but you're only as good as your last story and she hasn't had a good story in a while. [Wasn't she covering some big dealie in Mexico a couple episodes ago? - Zach] Lois goes on to complain that she needs a news flash. A pregnant man or an impeached president. What is your beat, exactly? Genitals? Lois would like it even better if she got a good superhero story. Chloe thought Lois gave that up when she wrote an open letter to Red-Blue Blur and was ignored. Lois blames herself; she says you don't start interviewing rock stars by beginning with Springsteen. Chloe calls her a Red-Blue Blur groupie. Lois says the guy has reinvented the American hero. She says he saves people, is mysterious and is completely unavailable. "What part of that doesn't scream 'Lois Lane?'" Lois Lane asks. Lady... you got some really fucked-up things going on in that head of yours.
Chloe thinks Lois has a crush. Lois says she admires The Blur professionally for his heroism. She remembers lowering the bar for a Green Arrow interview and finding "Mr. Emerald Chaps" to also be a "Closet-case" when it comes to publicity. This scene sure is talky. And not in the good way, where people on TV talk and you are entertained. Chloe reminds Lois that the heroes wear costumes so as not to be recognized. She hurries Lois, because she's parked illegally. [In an alley. Where illegal things happen. - Z] Lois moans in pain because her heels are "Silent killers." She lets Chloe walk ahead. Lois suddenly hears Chloe yelling at somebody. She runs, or tries to. A man is struggling with Chloe to her blue car. "Just gimme the keys!" the criminal yells. The man, a stocky guy with lots of hair, smacks Chloe and knocks her down. She's unconscious. The guy is wearing a tie and a leather sports jacket. Classy! Hey, it's disgraced former Illinois governor Rob Blagojevich! What an honor! Lois kicks him in the knee and punches him in the face, which is something a lot of people wanted to do to the real Mr. Blagojevich. Another man bear-hugs Lois from behind. She reverse head-butts him, smacks him in the face and kicks him. Blagojevich has already gotten into his yellow sports car and is taking off. His head is bloodied. He reverses and then turns around to get out of there. Lois kicks Blagojevich's partner in the face, saying, "This one's for your friend!" She puts her booted food on his upper chest. Bloody of nose, he asks wearily, "Who the Hell are you? Some sort of superhero?" Lois, lit with weird theater lights behind her, has her face in shadow. Her scarf flaps out dramatically behind her. Lois smiles. "You bet I am. Call me Stiletto," she says. Can I just keep calling you Dumb Shit Lois? I have a feeling that's the name we're going to come back to in the end anyway.
Commercials: None. DirecTV and the San Antonio's CW TV station didn't have their shit together this week, so I had to pay to watch the episode by downloading it on iTunes. Yes, I recognize the irony in having to pay for an episode where Lois is front and center. Please don't add to my pain. Needless to say, this was an outrage. So I saw no commercials, but I'm happy to make some up to fill the space. First off: Olive Garden. We give you so much salad and breadsticks you won't even notice how little you'll want to eat when the entrees arrive. You are welcome!
Metropolis General. A nervous-looking Chloe is talking to Davis on the phone. She tells him she was sidetracked and that she'll be home in 20 minutes. "You're still in the basement right? Good," she says. Wow. That is never a good sign in a relationship. It's right down there with, "You haven't gotten out of your cage, have you? Good." A doctor, using probably the same clipboard the PR bouncer from the last scene had, suggests Chloe stick around for observation because of the hit she took to the head. Chloe, who doesn't look any worse for wear, says she's fine. The doctor tries to give Chloe some professional advice, but Chloe cuts her off curtly, saying she has to go. Just then, Clark doop-de-doops into the room, asking if a hospital visit is what it takes to get a call back from Chloe these days. [It's funny -- wasn't she complaining about him not calling, like, two episodes ago? - Z] He checks to see if she's all right. Clark is wearing a blue windbreaker over his shirt and tie. Chloe, faking cheerfulness, apologizes for being the invisible friend lately. Clark asks where she's been. "Um... Watchtower," she says. You were at the magazine distributed by Jehovah's Witnesses? She jokes that she's still dealing with high-maintenance men working for Oliver. Clark thought Oliver was off the grid. "He's in Syria," Chloe responds as she and Clark walk through hospital hallways toward the exit. Chloe says Oliver's been incommunicado. She tells Clark that the thug who hit her took off with her laptop; she was using the laptop to update her Watchtower databases from home. [Also the Watchtower wiki. - Z] We're to gather that it's because Davis is keeping her at home, I suppose. Clark says it's very sensitive information that could compromise their whole shebang. Chloe beats herself up, saying that's why she's panicked. She knows she shouldn't have done it. "Just tell me it was encrypted," Clark pleads. Er... it was in Pig Latin. Most of it, anyway. Chloe says it's not unhackable. Clark says he'll get the laptop back. He asks if she saw the mugger. No, but she did see the asphalt. It was hard. She says there was an eyewitness, though: a heroine who swept in and saved the day. Lois saw her. "Stiletto?" Chloe asks. No thanks, I have a whole closet full of them. I MEAN! By which I mean, of course, that I do not own high heels myself! They belonged to Lana! She was so tiny. Ha ha! Got away with that one. Oh shit, did I say that out loud? "Must be some kind of knife expert," Clark says with a straight face. Ha. Yeah, that would be nice. Maybe season. Clark asks where Lois went. Chloe gets into the elevator and before it closes asks where he thinks Lois would be when there's a new superhero in town.
Overly dramatic music plays as we cut to a sign that says, "CITY EDITOR." Ah yes, the one Clark tried to get fired recently by going over his head. Lois, still dressed in her ridiculous nightwear, is talking to a young editor who's wearing a nice suit. She's mad that her Stiletto story got buried on page 10. She asks why they didn't just put it in the Classifieds. Because nobody would buy it. The editor is annoyed that he was pulled out of the banquet and Lois didn't even get a photo. Dumb Shit Lois thinks Stiletto is camera shy. The editor, still annoyed, says he doesn't want a headshot, just some action on the street. Lois says sarcastically that she'll ask for a schedule of future saves. The editor stops as he's walking up the stairs from the lower floor. He says he thought Lois's whole game was her powers of persuasion. She can't even persuade any of us to believe she's really Lois Lane. "Get the picture!" the editor demands. They must be really strapped for cash if they won't even assign a photographer. Lois stands there, thinking. It's like forks rubbing up against each other. The camera focuses on Lois's silly boots as she jogs back to her desk. She picks up a phone and starts to dial. "Lois!" Clark calls from across the room. She puts down the receiver. Clark says he talked to Chloe. He asks about Stiletto. Lois tells him to be patient. He can drool over her the day with the rest of the world. On page 10. Clark notices a story Lois wrote sitting on the desk. It's on newspaper stationery (huh?) and the headline is, "STILETTO! The Newest Super Hero!" Superhero is two words? Really, Lois? [Since DC and Marvel have been trying to trademark the two-word phrase for years, that must be the preferred nomenclature in the props department. - Z] The story doesn't even mention the attack in the first three paragraphs and has a giant pull quote from Stiletto talking about herself. No wonder the editor didn't want to run it on A1. It's absolute shit. Clark doesn't even remark on the story, he just picks it up and holds it, like a dead animal. Lois says snarkily that she's fine and thanks for asking. Clark smirks, then looks at the story. "Stiletto gave you all these quotes?" he asks. "She was talkative," Lois tells him, grabbing back her abomination of an article. Clark needs to get in touch with her. "Get your own hero!" Lois tells him. She says that she's helping Stiletto try to keep a low profile. By trying to get her story on the front page of the paper, I guess. Lois says it's not every day that a hero trusts her with a phone number. Clark can't believe she got a number. Clark explains that Chloe's computer is missing and has all her Isis information on it. He says again he needs to talk to Stiletto. Lois suggests Clark go talk to the guy the cops did catch and see if he'll rat out his buddy. Another overly dramatic train sound plays for no good reason. It's annoying.
Metropolis flyover. At the Ace of Clubs, the joint is jumpin', jumpin'. You know who's not jumpin'? Jimmy Olsen, who is serving drinks behind the counter. He's double-serving two skewers of olives into two water-filled martini glasses. He doesn't even bother to flirt with the lady customers. Oh, what sad end is this? Jimmy notices someone coming and pretends to wipe the counter forcefully. It's Blagojevich. And he looks angry. "Rye! Whiskey! Double!" he commands. Jimmy tries to remember how to make those three drinks. Jimmy tells "Mr. Mannheim" that he'll have it up right away. He pours. Blagojevich touches the wound above his left eye. It looks painful. "Hey, Ugly," a guy behind him says. It might have been a name, but I swear I heard, "Ugly." Don't call him that! The new guy says the boss wants to speak with him. He adds that the boss doesn't look too happy. Blagojevich says, "I bet he's not. Mr. Businessman." Jimmy smiles sympathetically. Blago drinks his 3-in-1 concoction. As he walks away from the bar, Jimmy leans forward and puts an arm on the guy's shoulder to stop him. Blago looks at his leather jacket's shoulder pad in dismay. Jimmy pulls his hand back and apologizes. Jimmy says he knows he just started, but he was wondering if he could have an advance on that day's pay. He says he had some... stuff... come up. You see, there's this monkey. Let's call him Clyde. And Clyde has been on my back. For days, now. And the doctors say that I'm going to need an operation, one that involves needles to get this monkey off my back. The operation is called the "Heroin" procedure. But I've probably said too much. Blagojevich says he'll talk to Ricky about it, but it's the last time. Damn, how many times has Jimmy done this? Jimmy nods goofily, smiling. Oh yeah. That monkey is so gonna get bananas tonight.
We see a back room at the club where a clumsy counterfeit operation is in action. They're even using an ancient paper cutter to manually slice sheets of bills. I think we have a paper cutter like that in the newsroom somewhere, behind the 1979 AP Stylebooks. Capital operation, gentlemen. At a nearby table, a guy is using a money sorter to bundle up the bills and write down the amounts in a ledger. Then we see at a nearby desk Chloe's computer. Hey, guys, why not use the computer to keep track of the amounts in instead of a pencil? Just a crazy idea. Honestly, I thought that's why you guys stole the computer. One of the henchmen hands a sheet of paper to the guy in a suit we have to assume is the brains of the operation. The paper must say, "Lots of fake money printed. xxx ooo." Blago walks in and stands at the entrance to the room, to a bunch of water cooler bottles. Bossman adjusts a desk lamp as he reads a giant sheet of fake cash like it's a newspaper. Today's top headline: I'm Rich, Beeyatch! He sees Blagojevich and gets completely pissed off. He picks up Chloe's yellow handbag from the desk and walks around it to dispense some leadership. He jokes (without mirth) that he had hoped "A.J." had at least been arrested for stealing a Dolce & Gabbana. Blago says they got clocked. It was a timely attack. Watch yourself time. Bossman says he's trying to pull them out of the streets. They finally achieved a measure of success with those green rocks from Smallville. Oh yeah, I've heard of those. They are stupid. "We can make all the money in the world and you're out there snatchin' purses!" Bossman accuses. You know, when you put it like that, it does sound pretty damned loco. Sorry, boss. Blago has an interesting take on getting beaten up by a girl. He says that it's not about the "door prize," it's about showing people they still own the streets, not a bunch of costumed circus freaks. You really are taking this way too personally, Blago. Go see a Broadway show or something. You'll feel better. Bossman smirks. He doesn't think their injuries are very intimidating. Blago gets really mad and yells, asking how Bossman can let the vigilantes take over their streets. Bossman gets angry in return, throwing down a wad of cash and making it rain, although the rain is very low in the atmosphere and not very wet. "ENOUGH!" he cries. This scene has gone on long ENOUGH! Where's my commercial break!? He yells, "We are done with petty street crime! We're a business now!" Geez, do they yell that much at most businesses? Is this a shout factory? Blagojevich nods. He agrees and says that maybe it's time for Bruno Mannheim to climb that corporate ladder. He pulls out a gun and shoots Bossman dead. Bossman lands on the table with the fake money. Wow, that's rich. The skinny henchman from the bar is stunned. Two guys standing behind him, looking bored, wonder if they should go spend some of this money now. Blago looks over at his new crew and tells them that they're saying goodnight to the wannabe heroes, starting with Stiletto. He says it's personal. Not like shooting your boss. That's just good business.
Isis Foundation. Chloe is standing at her battle station, looking at pages from the newspaper on multiple screens as Clark whooshes in. "Chloe," Clark says as he enters. That's my name, don't wear it -- aw, fuck, it's been eight seasons. Shit's WORN OUT ALREADY. Clark says that Stiletto is their only hope to find the laptop. The thug Clark went to see at the jail posted bail before he ever got in a cell. Chloe hasn't found Stiletto, but she discovered something else. She's on a Web site called "Superhero Tracker" and she types in a giant search box, "Blur-Etto." "Blur-Etto?" Clark asks. Chloe says you know you've made it when you have your own fan site. Minus the dash, they're talking about slash pairing. You know, "Chlark," "Lexana," "Clex." Disturbingly meta. Chloe says the fans are doing a little matchmaking. Clark reads messages off a discussion forum (which has the word "on-line" -- what is it with all these hyphens?) that include "I'm sure Stiletto can take care of things herself," and "Yeah but... Nobody understands a hero's life of solitude better than a fellow cape." And then, "These two lonely hearts belong together!" Squee! Really, the spelling and grammar is much too good for most slash boards. Sorry. Clark asks who makes this stuff up. Chloe asks if they're that far off the mark. Clark says that romance is the last thing on his mind right now. The first five things are: cheese, the pails that go under cows when you milk them, why some doorknobs are knobs and others are handles, whatever happened to Remy Zero, and the color peach. Chloe says that Clark thought he'd found his "super-powered soulmate," but hasn't said one word about Lana since she left. Ouch! Sting! Put some Bactine on that! "That's because I have you," Clark says stiffly. There's not really a good meaning for what he just said, no matter how you take it. Chloe says she hasn't been much of a sidekick lately, and Oliver and his crew have been MIA. She thinks Clark might need someone else with a double life to confide in. Clark ignores that, saying he'd rather focus on getting the laptop back. Chloe gives up with the romance. She doesn't think they'll be able to summon the new hero with a stiletto signal off a Klieg light. Clark frowns. The Hell is a Klieg light? It's the kind of signal light a much cooler superhero might have thought of. But how would you make a silhouette of a blur?
Daily Planet, nighttime. Clark is messing with the squelch (or is it "the labia?") of the police scanner. The camera pans to the right and we see Lois at the desk directly in front of Clark. She is typing. She asks if it's not Clark's bedtime. Clark says he's finishing work while he's still motivated. She sighs and flips through some papers. Clark eyes his backpack, on the floor to his desk. The playful "Office Work For Idiots" music is trying to coax some life into this scene. Lois looks down at her own satchel. It looks awfully small for her leather costume. Lois complains it's a slow night. Clark says he's fine if she wants to go. He jokes that he'll pass on the Red-Blue Blur's call if he gets through. Lois snarks about Clark's non-existent hero skills. She keeps teasing him, and Clark finally asks if it's because he's just a copyboy. "No, it's because you're doing way better than anyone expected!" she snaps. This compliment was brought to you by the emotions annoyance and impatience. Just then, the scanner breaks through with some activity. Clark and Lois both get to their feet. Clark says he needs to go feed Shelby. In Smallville? What the fuck, Clark? Does Lois think you can teleport Alpo? Lois says she should hit the gym. They both grab their bags and go. Clark watches Lois leave and then superzips up the stairs.
Metropolis flyover, again. At Ace of Clubs, Jimmy walks in. The place is empty, so it must have cleared out for the night. Blago and the buddy who was arrested are waiting for him. Jimmy, holding his camera, says he's sorry he's late, but he got caught up in another project. Blago takes the camera and teases Jimmy, asking about the "tele-macro zoom." He asks if Jimmy used to be a journalist and what he's doing here. Jimmy, all druggy, doesn't answer. Blago starts looking at photos on the camera. He sees a wedding photo of Jimmy and Chloe. Blagojevich jokes that "Blondie" looks a lot different when she's smiling. Jimmy wants his camera back. They push him back when he reaches for it. Blago finds the photos of Stiletto and suddenly he's not so jokey anymore. "Do you know her?" he asks. [I love that he kind of takes Jimmy being married to his latest victim in stride, but Jimmy knowing the woman who beat him up is intolerable. - Z] Jimmy lies, badly, saying it was just a fluke. Just a fluke that he took 100 photos of her as she posed? Blago asks where to find her. Blago's sidekick pushes Jimmy toward the balcony. Blagojevich slaps Jimmy. Then Jimmy gets punched. Jimmy maintains that he doesn't know where Stiletto went. Jimmy is bleeding from a cut on his cheek. Blago grabs both sides of Jimmy's head. "What is wrong with you?" he asks. "It's like you want me to kill you." Oh, the drama! He smacks Jimmy one more time, hard, across the face. Jimmy's camera goes flying. Jimmy lands hard on the floor. He's out. Blago asks his second-in-command to go "squeeze Blondie" while they try to get info off the laptop. With pleasure, sir!
Commercials of the fake variety. This is probably where there'd be a car commercial for an American auto brand you'd never actually buy.
A jewelry store. An alarm is going off. We pan across to see a front display window is broken. Lois-as-Stiletto stands there, just staring. She starts walking around the building, and her leather makes all kinds of squeaky noises. "Very stealth, Lois," she admonishes herself. She goes around the building and walks as if her feet hurt. "time, I call myself Nike," she says. She finds a guy sitting in the alley, tied up and unconscious. Lois figures out that the Red-Blue Blur beat her to it. "Hello? Are you here?" she calls out. Clark, in his reporter clothing, shows up. He watches Lois for a minute then asks, "Are you The Stiletto?" Lois turns, smiling, thinking it's her hero. "Can I just say it's an honor?" she begins, before seeing that it's just boring-ass Clark. Her smile drops. "Lois?" Clark asks. Lois puts her hands on her hips and fakes a bad accent, like Madonna at her most British. "Who's Lois? I'm Still-lettoh!" she tries. She sashays away as she tells him she should get back to her cave. Clark stands in front of her, blocking her path. He tells her he'd still recognize her even with a bag over her head. Now if her torso was covered, it might be another story. He pulls off her lame mask. Lois is annoyed that she wanted the Red-Blue Blur, but got the opposite. Clark asks what she's doing. She brings up the feeding Shelby bit and chalks it up to one more woman Clark has stood up. All right, that was pretty good. Clark fakes, saying he saw her eying the scanner and came to make sure she was all right. He thinks she's impersonating The Stiletto. Lois snaps, saying there's no "The" and that she is Stiletto, not an impersonator. Clark takes about three hours to process that information and readjust his worldview. You may want to go get a sandwich while we're waiting. Ah, here we go. PROCESSED! "You made up a fake hero so you could write a story?" he asks. Fired! Fire her! Fire her now! Please! I'm begging you! Tell an editor!
Lois says yeah. But, she adds, it's just the beginning. Oh boy! She thinks this will help her land an interview with the Red-Blue Blur. Clark says the guy avoids reporters for a reason. He asks what she'd say that nobody else has already tried. She says she wouldn't say anything. She'd listen. All right, she finally got one right. One reporter trick I use all the time is just not to say anything in an interview. Sometimes a source will talk just to fill the silence and say things they wouldn't otherwise say. You just have to know how long a pause to leave in there before they assume you are a mannequin and walk off. Clark says Red Blue might not be looking for a best friend. Clark accuses her of basing this nascent friendship on a lie. Lois walks off. Clark warns her that she may find herself in a situation she can't "Stiletto" her way out of. Lois boasts that she kicked ass the night before. Clark mentions that he tried to see her handiwork, but the guy was already out of jail when he got there. He drops the name of the lawyer, which leads to the name of the biggest crime boss in Metropolis we've never heard of, Ron Milano. He's part delicious Pepperidge Farm cookie on his mother's side. Lois says she's going to find Milano and save the world. She offers to let Clark be her sidekick as long as he doesn't slow her down. Clark wants to find Milano on his own. He tells Lois to make sure Stiletto's story doesn't get published. If it hasn't been published yet, then how do the fan-site people know about it? Answer: they don't. This is bullshit. Lois frowns, probably out of continuity pains. It's entirely possible she planted the story herself on the fan site or that someone saw it in a police report. Otherwise, the timeline is all screwed up.
The Talon, nighttime. Chloe is walking down the stairs to the coffee bar holding a big glass of water. Before she reaches the last step, she's accosted from behind and drops the glass. The thug mentions Chloe's car and asks about Stiletto. Chloe says she doesn't know what he's talking about. She elbows the guy and runs. She's running for the basement door, but he grabs her and throws her back against another wall. He pulls a knife on her. "You do not want to lie to me," the thug says. He puts the knife to her throat. Chloe again swears she knows nothing. Nevertheless, he offers to leave a message. Just then, a big shadow creeps up to Chloe's head. Something Doomy grabs the guy by the feet and drags him away as he screams. We hear growling and gross crunching sounds. Chloe flinches. Soup's on!
We cut immediately to Chloe upstairs in her apartment, standing in front of a mirror. She's examining her neck. There's a line of blood where she was cut. Lois walks in. Chloe throws a red scarf around her neck to cover the wound. Lois asks if Chloe was expecting Freddy Krueger. Chloe asks what's up. Lois says the Stiletto story broke a heel and isn't happening. Chloe opens the door for Lois to leave, suggesting there must be a tequila shooter in town somewhere on a Friday night. Lois gets the hint, but says she's actually there to find out if Chloe knows where Jimmy might be. He's not answering his phone. "I thought that's what Facebook updates were for," Chloe suggests. Chloe asks what Lois wants with Jimmy. She hesitates before saying she needed help photographing something, but now she needs the evidence burned. Chloe frowns. Lois throws her inhibitions to the wind for the millionth time. She opens up her coat and reveals her pleather outrage of a costume. "Surprise!" she says. Put those away! You'll knock over a lamp! As if it wasn't obvious, Lois says she's Stiletto. How did Chloe not already figure this out? "You did this for a story, didn't you?" Chloe asks. That's three characters in a row who've given Lois shit for that. Maybe it's time to admit you're Dumb-Shit Wrong, huh? Lois says she already got the lecture from Clark and doesn't want it in surround sound. Well, excuse the shit out of us for telling you about the stupid, career-ending thing you just did. She closes her coat to cover her shame. She asks if Chloe's ever gotten in over her head. Chloe looks sad and conflicted. Chloe steps forward and asks if she can tell Lois something. Then she thinks better of it. "Jimmy should be at the Ace of Clubs," Chloe finally tells her. She smiles and plays off the deep pain in her psyche. She jokes that she really needs to remove Jimmy from her Facebook friends. Chloe looks like she has tears in her eyes. Lois doesn't seem to notice. She goes to the door and thanks Chloe for understanding. "Anytime," Chloe tells her. As soon as Lois is gone, Chloe looks miserable again.
Blago rifles through Clark's suit and finds his Daily Planet press badge. He does not like that at all.
On the roof, Lois removes her long coat. "Oh, that's it!" she says. Then: "Wow, that's far."
Blagojevich pulls out a gun and points it at Clark's head. He offers to tell Clark how the story ends. Badly?
Rooftop. "Come on, Lois!" Lois tells herself. She's put on her mask. She jumps onto the glass and breaks through it. She falls very slowly, about 20 or 30 feet, and manages to kick Saracen across the room on her way to not killing herself as she lands on the floor. If there were rope involved I might believe this, but as it stands, it's just completely stupid. Lois should be lying on the ground with a fractured spine and her legs over her shoulders. Also, cut up from all the glass. Instead, she's just fine. "It worked!" she says. Blago is nowhere to be found. He didn't get kicked. Lois goes to Jimmy. Blago raises his gun and aims at Lois. He says she has no idea what she just stepped in. "Lois!" Clark cries. He manages to get to his feet and dives in front of the bullet just as Blago fires. The bullet sails in slow motion and squibs on the left side of Clark's stomach. "Clark!" Lois cries. Blago points the gun at Lois, but just then Jimmy wakes up, gets to his own feet and pushes the gun away in the time it takes Blagojevich to react. He is a terrible street fighter. I think the only street he could have ruled was Sesame Street, and I'm not sure Big Bird wouldn't have kicked his ass. Jimmy pushes Blago against the wall and manages to knock the gun out of his hand. Lois breaks a bottle on Blago's head from behind and that puts him out. Lois removes her long arm gloves and goes to Clark, telling him he'll be fine. Lois, teary, tells Jimmy to dial 911. He goes to do that. Lois asks why Clark tried to be a hero. She says he didn't need to do that. Clark manages to tell her that she needs to get him out of there. Two seconds later, Jimmy has already made the call and they're lifting Clark out of the room. That seems unwise for a gunshot wound victim, but they go along with it. "Come on, superhero, you're gonna be fine," Lois tells him as they leave the money room. It's true, money is the root of all evil action scenes.
Alley behind The Talon. Chloe is carrying two large, bulging trash bags. They're full of squishy-sounding stuff. She lefts each of them and throws them in a big Dumpster. She looks down at her hands and they're covered with blood. Chloe freaks out. She sits on the ground and loses her cool. Her face is twisted in fear and loathing. The camera pans over to the open Talon back door.
Non-commercials. Are you a douchebag? Axe Body Spray, brah.
day, Daily Planet. Clark is holding up a copy of the paper. The main headline is, "MOB MEN BEHIND BARS." Blago is looking sad in his police mug. Aw, poor Blago. The subheadline is, "'Ugly' Arrested." Ha! You ugly! If it's on your birth certificate, yo momma said you Ugly, too! The other headlines, which weirdly fall under the same top banner, are "Gas prices up," "Don't eat your ballot" and the ungrammatical "Workers demands in snow removal." Maybe newspapers deserve to die if this is the model. Lois arrives at Clark's desk and deposits an orange juice, coffee and double-frosted bear claw. How did Clark fake his way into showing up at work after getting shot the night before? The Hell? Lois is holding a stack of papers she copied for Clark. She didn't know if he wanted double-sided or three-hole punched, so she did every combination and went through a whole ream of paper. Nice one, Lois. Clark says she didn't have to do this. But then he grunts as he reaches forward for the coffee. He milks it a little while longer. Clark says Lois got her cover story after all. Lois grabs the bear claw. She's not that excited about her byline. Clark asks why. Lois is not proud of her ambition. Clark says the mob guys would be out on the street if Lois hadn't rescued him. She gets it right when she asks, "Your rescue?" They have a long moment while Lois struggles to find the words to express what Clark did. Clark lets her off the hook. "You're welcome, Lois," he says. She smiles. Clark hopes Stiletto is hanging up her heels. Lois says those heels were giving her blisters blisters. Lois says that if the guy's aim had been better Clark would be dead. She says she never should have put him in danger like that. "It's not like you save lives for a living," she adds. Clark agrees, noting that there's only one Red-Blue Blur. Lois says she's not cut out for that life of solitude. Clark jokes that he didn't think there was room for introspection underneath that costume. Ha! Clark finally lands a good one. Lois says he got grazed by a funny bullet. She takes the rest of his bear claw, which I thought she'd already done. "You weren't gonna eat this were you?" she asks. Clark watches her eat. He likes it.
The mean, monochrome-filtered streets of Metropolis, daytime. Jimmy, wearing his dorky white Converse sneakers, is all bandaged up and looking scraggly. He approaches some hip-looking drug dealers, all standing in a bombed-out lot, to a car. "Let's just get this over with," Jimmy mutters. The main drug dealer, who has very cool gelled hair, says he thought Jimmy was strapped for cash. Jimmy has a big wad of $20 bills, all fakey fake. He hands over several and says things have changed. Now give me my junk! The dealer does. Jimmy walks away, eyes haunted, lips busted. He scored some sunshine in a bag! This is so edgy, y'all!
Talon. The marquee, in sunlight, says it's half-priced lattes all week. Who's running the place now? In the upstairs apartment, Chloe is cooking. She removes a giant red casserole dish, foil-covered, from the stove. Just then, Clark enters, carrying her green laptop. Chloe is glad. She says she never thought she'd be so happy to be reunited with silicone microchips. Silicone? It's "Silicon," Chloe, as in, "Silicon Valley." It's not like Chloe to make a mistake like that. Unless it was some sort of secret jab at Lois. Clark says he grabbed the computer before the police arrived, so he's hoping Blagojevich didn't grab any files off it first. Chloe says "Tony Soprano Jr." is the last time she carries around secure files like that. Clark sees all the food and asks if Chloe's expecting company. She lies, badly, and says she's not. She says stress causes her to cook lots of food. Clark never noticed that before in all the years they've been stressed out together. Chloe smiles. She's almost crying already. Clark asks if she's all right. Chloe says Clark almost died for her computer. He pulls up his shirt and shows the non-existent wound on his torso. He's fine. He senses something else is going on. He asks what's wrong, but Chloe says it's nothing. Her eyes say it's not true. Very tensely, she throws down a spoon and says that with all that's happened, she forgets she's supposed to be cheery all the time. Clark, who hasn't been there for Chloe lately, says that he's here for Chloe. Chloe says she knows. She tells him she just needs a little space right now and not a super-save. Her eyes are red and teary and her voice breaks. She smiles and it's full of torment. Clark nods. He leaves without another word as Chloe breathes out a sigh of relief.
Lois is walking down one of the nicer streets in Metropolis. She's holding a piece of blue paper taped to a larger piece of red paper. It says, "WE SHOULD TALK. 1421 THIRD STREET -- 10 PM." The address points to a store that's already closed for the night. Lois tells herself that a wild goose chase for a story usually ends with a rotten egg. Especially when you make the fucking story up. She turns to go, but suddenly a phone is ringing. Lois walks toward the last phone booth in North America. She picks up the receiver. "Is this Lois Lane, the reporter?" The voice is low and gross, using Oliver's voice masking technology. "This is the Red-Blue Blur," we hear. Lois smiles, but goes back to being skeptical, asking how she knows it's the real deal. We hear a whoosh and some air moves Lois's hair. "Look down," the person on the phone says. It's a copy of the newspaper where Lois wrote an article inviting the Red-Blue Blur to contact her. Lois is suddenly inspired. We see Clark on a nearby rooftop. He's got some weird gadget hooked up to a cell phone that's making his voice all weird. Lois asks him to weigh in on the name, because she says "Red-Blue Blur" is a mouthful. Dirty! Clark nods and says there's probably a better name out there. He thinks Lois is the person to find it. He keeps calling her Miss Lane. Lois rambles about herself. It's not great. Then she admits she's rambling. Clark says she's nervous. She admits she only has one obsession right now and it's him. Yikes. I thought you were supposed to just listen when you finally talked to him. Clark says there's nothing wrong with taking your job seriously. Lois says there is when you don't know who you'd be without it. Clark tells her she's a great reporter, all on her own. He says she doesn't need a hero or a gimmick to make a headline. Lois says her editor would kill her (oh, don't worry, I'm sure that'll happen), but she doesn't even want the story. She just wants to know what the Red-Blue Blur needs. Is it sexual? Because NO PROBLEM. Lois thinks he's lonely. She offers to talk, off the record. "I'm only a phone call away," she says. Clark says he'll keep that in mind. He says that when he's ready to tell the world his secret, she'll be the first to know. They both hang up without saying goodbye. Lois is all smiles. Clark watches her from nearby. He turns and smiles into the night. That was a heroic phone call!
week: maybe you could tell me. No previews on my iTunes download.
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Omar G. is a journalist and writer living in New Braunfels, Texas. Check out the TWoP Web show he does with his brother, Pablo, "Trailers Without Pity." You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com and hear him on NPR's "All Tech Considered," Mondays as part of All Things Considered.