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Lois, in her annoying way, decides suddenly she'd rather move in with Clark and the cows at Kent Farm than get woken every morning by Chloe and Jimmy boinking in the room. Unfortunately, she's got bad timing: Clark has just received a package in the mail containing the blue crystal that Tess Mercer has been hunting down. The crystal sends Clark and Lois into the Phantom Zone, where Lois believes they've been taken by abducting aliens.
While there, Clark finds Kara, who was banished to the P'Zone by Brainiac. She's been fighting off wraiths for months, even though she has a portal for escape. She was afraid if she got out, she'd let loose some monsters to Earth. Aw. Noble, Cuz! Clark tries to get Lois and Kara out of there, but the plan goes awry when a Zoner escapes by attacking Kara and following Lois back to Earth. The spirit overtakes Lois: turns out it's Zaora, the wife of Zod. Zaora goes looking for the son she and Zod sent to Earth, clinging to the vessel that brought Clark to Kansas. More on that in a bit.
Davis visits Chloe, who is trying to locate Clark and Lois. He asks her to do some investigative work for him: his blackouts are occurring more frequently and he can't find any information on his birth parents or the first three years of his life. Chloe doesn't get very far with that, because she's chasing down Oliver and asking him to help her hack into the crystal, which she finds at the Kent home. Oliver has to steal the signal generator from Tess (he does it as Green Arrow, whom she unbelievably doesn't recognize as Oliver even when he's right in front of her). Chloe goes into freaky Brainiac mode to activate the crystal, scaring Oliver, but bringing back Clark and Kara. Later on, Oliver warns Clark about Chloe, telling him he needs to do something about Chloe's freakish new powers.
Zaora-as-Lois tells Tess Mercer about Kryptonian ships, making her mind-wheels spin, then goes to the hospital where she finds her son: it's DAVIS! Davis, apparently, was the product of organic material sent to Earth and is destined to destroy everything. Nice path, that. When Davis expresses doubt about his origins when they're explained to him, Zaora tells him he's too weak to fulfill his destiny right now, but that death will make him stronger. So she sticks a steel pipe through his chest.
Clark confronts Zaora, but Kara saves the day by pulling the she-spirit back into a Phantom Zone crystal. Lois, of course, doesn't remember any of this. Kara tells Clark that she doesn't belong in Smallville anymore. She wants to try to locate the supposedly lost city of Kandor, which she heard might still exist. You know how gossipy those wraiths in the Phantom Zone are. Clark doesn't want her to go, but she does. See ya, Kara.
Eventually, Davis wakes up in the hospital, all healed. He tries to stab himself with a knife, but it shatters. He realizes that maybe that crazy lady in Lois's body might have been on to something. Our Doomsday is coming!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Kent Farm, morning. Clark, throwing on his bright red jacket (which I thought he was getting rid of after the red and blue blur was published on the front page of the paper), goes down the stairs to get the kitchen door. Somebody's knocking. It's Lois. She's carrying a large open cardboard box. She gives it to Clark and tells him to handle with care. She's had those albums since she was 10, she says. Clark asks what he could possibly want with her Def Leppard anthology. You animal! If it wasn't for your hysteria, you might find a photograph of a rocket to help you save the Earth if someone tries to Armageddon it. No foolin'! Lois says she's decided to take Clark up on his offer. She says it'll be like old times. Lois, Clark, Guitar Hero weekends. Wow, that was a long time ago. Was Guitar Hero even popular when she lived there? I didn't think Clark was much for video games. "I'm moving in!" she announces. You're supposed to say that before you say all the things you're going to do together. Clark raises an eyebrow. "Really?" he asks. He thought she didn't like the farm. He reminds her that the rooster used to wake her up every morning. She forgot to mention it was just a euphemism. For "Cock." She says that at least the rooster only crows once. She paints a picture of sharing walls with "Pre-wedding Chloe and Jimmy." Ew? Clark says he didn't need to know that. Aw, you need to fill up that brain somehow, Clark. You don't want it to collect cobwebs from disuse. As Lois grabs milk and cereal, Clark asks if it's really a good idea to be living and working together. Like he could get any more sick of Lois. "Carpooler's dream," Lois says. Clark suddenly realizes that he's going to have to share a long-ass commute with this she-annoyance. Lois asks what's the worst that could happen: "I see you in your Snoopy boxers?" Heh. How about he crushes you with a tractor? Lois remembers she found something for Clark on the doorstep. It's a cardboard box. Already opened. Lois thinks it's a care package from MamaKent. Very heavy cookies. Clark notices there's no return address. "That's weird," he says. You don't think it's weirder that the package has already been opened? Inside, there's a very nice, small metal case. Clark opens it. Inside is a blue crest-shaped crystal. Lois asks what the funky paperweight is for. To clobber annoying people. Wanna give it a test-drive? Clark picks it up. It starts to glow. Lois says nonchalantly, "At least it came with batteries." Clark stares into it. The crystal begins to whir and vibrate. The house begins to shake. Clark tells Lois to get away and to run, now! Lois tells Clark to drop the crystal. She reaches for it as Clark is holding the thing out and the whole room flashes blue and white. We cut to the outside of the house and from an overhead view. We see something crashing out through a window. It sails toward us. It's LP cover art from Queen! Actually, it's the flying square of imprisonment that means someone has been banished to the Phantom Zone. On one side and along the edges, Clark is holding up his hands. On the other side, Lois is trapped, too. It looks crowded in there. We see the prison square fly into the sky and out toward space. Trapped!
Opening credits. Commercials. You can be a guitar hero. And you can eat lots of KFC food. I'm not sure you can do both at the same time.
Kent Farm. The cows are oddly absent this week. Maybe they finally got sold to McDonald's. I'm not lovin' it. Chloe enters through the kitchen carrying a box and calling out for Lois. She yells out, asking for Lois to remind her why they're moving stuff that Lois never uses. Do you have her brain and self-control in that box? Chloe notices a broken window in the kitchen. She walks toward it. On the floor, amid broken glass (wouldn't the glass have landed outside?) is the blue crystal. She picks it up and examines it. Then she puts it in her purse. The camera moves to the right and suddenly, Tess Mercer is standing behind her. "Not exactly the bachelor pad I had imagined," she says. Have you tried the barn? That's pretty much what you were probably expecting. Chloe asks if Clark was expecting her or if this was another of her daily break-ins. "You keep holding on tight to that grudge," Tess advises. She asks what's up with all the broken glass. Exactly. The Phantom Zone disc flew out the window. The glass shouldn't have gone the opposite direction. Tess asks if everything is all right. Chloe says everything's fine except for the "Little bird" who flew through the window. She's a robin, I'm guessing. "A bird?" Tess asks. She asks if that's what Chloe came up with given all that brainpower. "It was a large bird," Chloe clarifies. You just said it was little. Chloe lies, saying that Clark and Lois are out buying a new pane. You know what else is a pain? This scene. "Where's the crystal?" Tess asks. Chloe, holding back laughter, says, "You're still looking for that thing?" Chloe assures her that some NASA-caliber rock isn't going to just show up in a cornfield. Tess says that's exactly what it did. Her "Frequency generator" detected something a few feet from where Chloe is standing. It detected a plot contrivance. It was huge! Chloe shrugs her shoulders. She acts dismissive of the "Frequency generator," but says that Clark is the copyboy at a newspaper. She asks what he'd want with a supercomputer. Then she starts unpacking Lois's things right on the kitchen counter, which seems a bit strange. Tess hunts Chloe. She gets up close and asks what it is that Chloe wants with Clark Kent. "Look at you. So eager to cover his tracks," Tess accuses. This is the part where you say, "Get the fuck out of my friend's house. BEEYATCH!" But Chloe doesn't go that route. Instead they just stare each other down. Tess warns her about blind loyalty. "That means a lot coming from the protégé of Lex Luthor," Chloe says with a sneer. The scene ends. Does Tess just keep standing there for the few hours? I imagine it got really awkward after that.
A bleak, overexposed landscape. Clark is lying on his side, a bloody gash on his forehead. It's windy. Clark wakes up and grabs sand in his hand. No! I hate fucking sand! It gets in my shoes. NOOOOO! Clark grabs his head and sits up. Aw, man, not this place again! Clark is in the Phantom Zone. There's a weird bloody red river nearby, but everything else is steel-blue. Clark gets to his feet and looks around. He climbs a nearby hill and looks around. Yep. Pretty damned desolate. Not even a gas station around here. He sees Lois on the other side of the hill, lying unconscious. He runs to her. Rolls her over and picks up her head. CRRRRAAAAAACK! He asks if she's all right. Not so much now that you broke my spine, no. Lois, a scrape on her cheek, asks where they are. Yeah, try answering that one, Clark. He helps her to her feet. Lois is freaked out that there are two suns in the sky. They both look like giant blue coffee table stains. Clark says they have to keep moving. Lois doesn't think they're on Earth. Clark says that's impossible. Lois reminds Clark that she's stumbled on spaceships before. She thinks they were abducted. Yeah, that sounds about right.
The As-Is Foundation. For a secret organization, that's an awfully large street banner. Chloe is talking on the phone to someone. "Venezuela? Well, when does he land?" she asks. She asks the person on the line to have Oliver call immediately. Someone comes in through the door and half-knocks. It's Davis. "Hey," Chloe greets. Good... to... see you, too? Davis asks if this is a bad time. Chloe, frustrated, says it feels like all her friends have left the planet. Actually, you left The Planet. And it sucked. She asks if she can call Davis later. Davis says he knows what Chloe said about not seeing each other (he calls it her "No-fly zone," which is a little dirty), but says his blackouts are getting worse. She asks if he's all right. Davis thinks if he found his birth parents, he might get some answers, but he's starting to feel like he fell out of the sky. Indeed. Chloe doubts that, for no good reason. She asks to take a look at the info he brought. Inside a folder, he has a list of all the schools and foster homes of his past. Chloe is amazed at how many places he was shipped off to. Davis says he can't find anything from the first three years of his life. Chloe agrees that it's weird. He asks if she'd be willing to dust off her reporter hat to help a guy out. Lois looks a bit sad. Maybe she misses reporting?
The P'Zone. Clark encourages Lois as she complains about the hours and hours of walking they've been doing. Her legs are giving out. Clark doesn't think stopping is a good idea. Lois mentions that it's not like he's been here before. But she keeps moving. Lois stumbles and falls to a desiccated dead body. She backs away, scared. "What is that thing?" she asks. Clark goes to examine the body. It died with a scream on its face, whatever it was. "Zoners," he says. Say what? Care to explain that to Lois? Lois says she doesn't want to die here. Clark thinks they'll be fine if they watch out for each other. Lois isn't convinced about the "Fine" part. She thinks they're standing on their graves. "We're gonna die! Us! Together!" she screams. Clark promises that no one is going to mess with Lois and Clark. "They better not," she says. They start moving again. Suddenly, some flying bat-thing jumps on them. Lois is knocked out instantly for no reason. The hooded figure attacks Clark. It swings a dagger. Clark grabs the hand. He sees a familiar metal bracelet. "Kara?" he asks. The hooded person pauses. Clark says, "It's me!" Kara takes off her hood. Hey, nice braids. Did you get those at the reggae festival? "Kal-El!" she says. They hug. Welcome back, Kara! Thanks for trying to stab me. You're looking not-so-well. I guess they don't hold a lot of beauty pageants here.
Commercials. John C. McGinley is rocking those Miller Lite commercials.
The P'Zone. Kara: Warrior Princess is carving something sharp out of a rock. Is this a dagger I see before me? Probably. Clark says he should have known that Brainiac put her there. Nice going, there, chief. Kara keeps whittling. Yeah, it's been a real picnic getting my ass handed to me by wraiths in this windstorm. Clark asks if she's all right. "I thought you were Zoners," she says. You know, like the Zoners that used to hang out behind the school smoking between classes. They all wore Converse high-tops. "Zoners kill," she says. Oh, that was just the teachers trying to scare you. Kara's really trying to rock those dread braids. It's not a great look. She tosses something to Clark. "For the blood," she says, "they can smell it." Did the Zoners take your ability to form cohesive sentences? Clark dabs at the blood on Lois's forehead. Kara asks what Clark was thinking, bringing Lois here. He says she was there when he touched the crystal. Touching the Crystal is my favorite '80s movie about skateboarding. Or maybe it was about masturbation. I forget which. Clark says they need to find a portal. Kara already has one: she says Zor-El built her an escape hatch. Clark asks her why she's still here if there's a portal available. Kara says she didn't want to let a bunch of monsters escape with her like the last time Clark got out. Clark admires her for staying in the P'Zone to protect human lives. She hands Clark her dagger. "Your lifeline," she says, "you lose it, you die." You can also phone a friend, but most of your friends are idiots. Why is Kara wearing space marine gear? Is there an S&M shop in the Phantom Zone? Leather 'n Leotards, it's called. Kara, standing over Lois, says that homegirl better be able to fight. Clark says it won't matter because they're sending her back. "How many innocent lives is she worth to you?" Kara asks. Can we use decimals? Clark, annoyed, asks why Kara is acting like this. "What happened to you?" he asks. Clark always asks, "What happened to you?" when someone disagrees with him, like they're somehow defective. Kara says it's what would have happened to Clark if he'd been forced to stay in the P'Zone for more than a day. He would have gotten crazy dreadlocks and worn rejected wardrobe from Max Max: Beyond Thunderdome? Kara says the portal will stay closed. Clark argues that Lois doesn't belong here. He says Lois isn't one of them. "I'll guard the gate, but she's going home!" Wanna yell that a little louder? I think Lois is waking up. Lois can't believe she's seeing Kara. She stands. "They've abducted you, too?" she asks. Clark and Kara exchange annoyed glances. Stupid humans.
Oliver's private plane. Oliver is looking at some folders labeled, "AL-65." One says, "Analysis data," while the other reads, "Test Group Dosages, Second Chance Halfway House." Is that about Davis? He puts the folders in a case just as Chloe is walking into the cabin. She complains that for a guy with three cell phones, he's hard to get a hold of. Oliver asks why Chloe is there. She says that Lois and Clark are missing. He asks if they might not be at The Daily Planet. Yes, douche. Chloe says she's checked everywhere. She thinks it has to do with the blue crystal, which she presents to Oliver. She tells Oliver that it's a link to his Kryptonian heritage. Oliver's not impressed. In fact, he says he steers clear when it comes to Clark's alien stuff. Chloe wants Oliver to steal some equipment for her. Chloe says the device will power the crystal and allow her to hack the crystal's database. The crystal has a database? That's a complicated crystal. Makes me think differently about Folger's flavor crystals. Maybe those can be hacked, too. Oliver thinks Chloe is joking. He wonders how she's going to hack alien technology. Hey, they did it in Independence Day, hater. Chloe says it's her only option. He asks why she's messing with the crystal if it's responsible for Clark's disappearance. Chloe says she knows what she's doing. Oliver asks what she's not telling him, but Chloe says she has no time to explain. She asks if Oliver's going to help or not. He asks who has the equipment they need. She says it belongs to Tess. "Mercy?" he asks, "why didn't you just say so." Burglary and clandestine nookie are Oliver's two favorite things.
The Phantom Zone. Clark, Lois and Kara, wearing a ridiculously long black cape, are walking along a scorched mountainside. Lois thinks Kent Farm must be ground zero for abductions. Ignoring that, Clark says they have to find a way out of here. Clark wants Lois to go with Kara. Lois wants to stick with Clark and his "Right hook." Kara says that Clark is guarding the entrance to the portal. Clark assures Lois that he'll be right behind her. She follows Kara. The wind picks up. Lois gives him one last glance as she goes. Clark stands there, waiting.
A giant cave. It looks like a black version of the Fortress of Solitude. Kara leads Lois to an altar. There's a big Superman symbol carved into it. Kara cuts her palm on the stone. "This is our DeLorean?" Lois asks. Kara says they just have to touch it. That's what Kara said! As Kara starts to put her palm down, Lois hears growling from outside. She thinks Clark needs them and starts to run. Kara holds her back. Kara says Lois has to go. She puts her hands down, making the symbol light up. A portal indeed opens up in front of them. The two women just stand there. Lois doesn't want to go. She wants to wait for Clark. Kara says there's no time. She pushes Lois forward, sending her into the portal. Lois is sucked into it. It's poetic given how much she sucks out of the show. Kara turns around. A wraith is flying toward her. She runs to stop it and is knocked aside. She flies through some glass as she's flung far away.
Kansas. We're in the dark, near some railroad tracks. Lois is deposited right on them. I keep thinking a train is going to be coming at her, but it never happens. Lois stands up. She looks around. "Clark?" she calls. Nobody's there. We hear an alien growl nearby. The creature appears behind Lois and sinks into her body. It smiles as it inhabits her. Lois walks over to a nearby truck. On the window, she looks at her own reflection. "This'll do," Lois the Alien says to herself. Oh, man, alien, if you only knew how much we hate her.
Commercials. Kung Fu Panda on DVD. I still haven't seen it, but hope to remedy that soon.
Full moon in Metropolis. Every fucking week with that moon. Lois just got a makeover. She looks 10 years older, but in a really good way. In fact, she looks like she should be on a soap opera. Her makeup is all soft and even and she's wearing giant hoop earrings and her hair is all fluffy. I'm not even lying when I say that it suits her. She's sitting in front of a computer screen in Jimmy's office at The Daily Planet, speed-reading through a bunch of newspaper archives. Tess walks in. We've secretly replaced Lois Lane with someone from The Young and the Restless. Will Tess Mercer notice? Let's watch... "Well, look who decided to show up for work today," Tess snarks. Wow, what a micromanager. She's never going to make it as a publisher is she's keeping track of every employee's time card. Oh, that reminds me. I used to have an editor who, when I'd be packing up my things to leave for the day, would say, "Hey, Omar! Thanks for stopping by!" He was a funny guy. His other variation was, "Hey, Omar! Take the rest of the day off." Oh, newsrooms. Lois-Alien ignores her and goes back to staring at the screen. Tess, offended, asks if she's bothering Lois. "I need to find my son," the alien says. Whoah! Are you looking in the classified ads from 1975? Tess, amused, asks, "Your son?" Yeah, didn't you know Lois is pushing 40? Tess says it's difficult to imagine a mini-Lois running around. You could never, ever give that child sugar. It'd be like Gremlins up in here. Tess, walking closer, notices a man is lying unconscious to the desk. Lois-Alien eyes her. It's a little creepy. Tess asks who the father might be. "A great leader: General Zod," she replies. She fills Tess in: their baby creation (or, "Goo") arrived attached to the Kryptonian spaceship that brought Kal-El to Earth. It was a baby barnacle. Tess, impressed, says, "A Kryptonian spacecraft!" You act like you don't believe her. Tess says it makes perfect sense. "Do you know about it?" Lois-Alien asks. Tess says she totally does. She offers to connect the alien with her son. Tess says she's also looking for a Kryptonian artifact: a crystal that was stolen from her. Before she can finish her thought, Lois-Alien asks, "Do you want to exploit me?" What, right here? In the office? Can't we get a nice room or something? Tess offers to be her partner. We'll rent a condo. Screw Proposition 8! Lois-Alien doesn't like the idea of combining resources. She tilts her head. "You're lying," she says to Tess. She thinks Tess is worthless to her. She whooshes out of the room, right past the publisher. Tess, wide-eyed, is finally impressed.
The Fortress of Phantom Zoneitude. Clark, wounded, stumbles in. He grunts and breathes heavily. He sees Kara pinned beneath some rubble. Clark runs to help her. He thought she got out. Kara, who has the same wound on her forehead that Clark and Lois had before, says that a wraith escaped. It was The Wraith Escape! (Whistles the theme song.) Clark notices a pool of blood beneath Kara. He says he's going to get her out of there. He tries to pull a girder off her, but can't do it. Damn these feeble arms! Kara tells Clark to open the portal before more prisoners come. What happened to, "We shouldn't ever open the portal," Kara? It's not like you can fight them off if they show up. Clark says they'll kill her. Kara tells Clark to look at her. She says it was her destiny to find and protect Clark, not the other way around. She wants him to go. Clark's not going anywhere. It's mid-season. Time to start treading some water for a while.
Chloe is looking at the screen of her cell phone. She has a message that reads, "To Watchtower. Approaching Target." She's standing at the As-Is Foundation. She turns around and Lois-Alien is standing right there. Chloe, relieved to see Lois, hugs her. Lois-Alien does not respond in kind. Chloe senses something is wrong. "I read your articles, Chloe Sullivan!" Lois-Alien says. What did you think? They were good, right? You can be honest. Did you find them newsy enough? She asks Chloe what she knows about the Kryptonian spacecraft that landed in Smallville. A lot! Tons, really! You wanna go get some coffee? "Where's Clark?" Chloe asks. Lois-Alien says that the man she calls Clark (and whom I call "Doofus") will die in a prison his father created. Chloe asks what she did with Lois. She says she used Lois as a vessel. "Not my first choice," she says (ha!), "but surprisingly flexible." Chloe asks her name. "Faora," she replies. Gesundheit. Is that a name or a kind of fungal infection? "Wife of Zod," she adds. Oh, good, because that guy was a dick. Chloe has heard enough. She tries to run. Faora has superzipped and stands in front of Chloe at the front door. "Where's my son?" she asks. Chloe, scared, says she doesn't know what Faora's talking about. CHOKE HOLD! Faora lifts Chloe up by the neck. Chloe says she can't breathe. Or at least not much more than is required to say those words. Conveniently, she drops some file folders she was holding. Faora looks down and sees a photo of Davis sticking out of the file. Wow. It's that easy. These alien wraiths have all the luck in the world. And some other worlds, too. Faora drops Chloe. She has the decency to thank her, at least. Then she zips away. MILFy!
Former Luthor Manor. Oliver, in his Green Arrow garb, is breaking in. He's got the hood and the sunglasses and the green pleather. He comes in from the upstairs library and leaps over the rail into the former Lair of Lex. He quickly finds the metal box containing the Spencer Gifts Frequency Generator (sans the Lava Lamp attachment). He puts the metal box back onto the generator, then hears a click. Tess is standing behind him, wearing a robe and holding a gun. He turns, raising his arms. "So not the night to mess with me," she says with the wrong inflection. For future reference, Tess, emphasis should have been on "So." "No 'Hello,' no 'How are you?' " Oliver asks in his gross, low computer voice. Tess, still pointing the gun, asks what he knows about the crystal. "That depends," he answers, "how good is your shot?" Considering he's only wearing sunglasses, it's ridiculous that Tess doesn't recognize Oliver when he's standing right in front of her. Wouldn't the height, the chin and his corny sense of humor have tipped her off? Tess asks whom he works for. He says he's self-employed. She advises that getting blood out of leather can be a total bitch. She steps forward. Oliver, acting quickly, throws a dart at her. It hits her shoulder and she begins to fall. He's quick enough to grab her before she hits the floor. He tells her that she won't be able to move for a few minutes, but after that, she'll be back to her normal, cuddly, charming self. He lays her on the couch. Then he takes the generator. He offers to see himself out. It would have been cute if he'd said, "Yoink!"
Metropolis General. Faora is stalking the halls. She finds Davis helping a little kid out in a big exam area. A doctor tries to stop her, telling her this area is restricted. "Please," she says, "that's my son!" The doctor thinks she's talking about the young boy. He allows her to pass. She watches Davis. After the kid leaves, she says, "You helped him!" Davis asks what Lois is doing there. She asks him the same question. He asks if everything is all right. "I don't understand," she says, "all that human carnage." Davis is like, "Wha?" She asks if that's not his doing. Davis looks a bit weirded out. He offers to find her a doctor. "All I need is you, my son," she says. Faora hugs him tightly. "Mother's here," she says. I suppose nursing is out of the question?
Commercials. Clone Wars is already coming out on DVD? Wow, that was fast. That was the one that tanked at the box office, right?
As-Is Foundation, nighttime. Chloe is holding the crystal in her hand while Oliver asks, "Phantom Zone, huh? Seriously, who names these things?" Dude, don't even get me started. Chloe says to picture an Alien Alcatraz. Got it. It's much cooler in my head than the actual Phantom Zone. Chloe is worried that if she doesn't get Clark back, "Lo-Bot" will leave destruction in her wake. Chloe puts the huge crystal in the amazingly cheap-looking generator. It looks like it's made out of the metal rings stage magicians use. Oliver asks how she's going to hack into the thing without a computer. Smiling, but annoyed, Chloe asks, "Do I tell you how to shoot your arrows? I don't think so!" She advises him to stand back. Chloe puts her hand over the contraption. The crystal lights up and the metal rings begin spinning. Instead of standing back, Oliver gets closer. The crystal starts emitting lightning. It also brought some wind. Chloe's nose begins to bleed as she closes her eyes and concentrates. Oliver tells her she's bleeding. Chloe doesn't pay attention. Instead she opens her eyes. They're milky white. Oliver tries to shut things down, but Chloe shoves him with one hand. It makes him fly down a hallway toward the entrance. Just from that little push, Oliver is knocked unconscious. Chloe grits her teeth. Her hair flies. This is some seriously fucked-up shit right here. I AM QUEEN OF THE LIGHTNING GODS! Bring me all of your AA batteries, puny humans!
The Phantom Fortress of Non-Actionitude. Clark is still trying to lift the column that landed on Kara. No luck there. Clark has a pretty gnarly wound on his neck. He tells Kara she needs to stay strong. Kara rubs her palm on Clark's and leaves a bloodstain. Ew! Is that like a Kryptonian wet willie? "Take my blood," she says. "No!" Clark groans. She says it'll open the portal and take Clark home. "You are my home," he says. That's why you spent the last several episodes tirelessly searching for her, right? Oh, yes, except for the part where you totally didn't do that. Kara begins to fade. He tells her she's his family and that she makes him feel like he actually belongs. Belongs to what? Chloe's handiwork suddenly opens up a vortex above Clark. It's purple. Clark gets sucked into it. I didn't think we'd see Clark getting sucked off much once Lex was gone from the show. Clark is lifted by his legs as he holds on to Kara. Chloe is still working her Kryptonian dreidel. Clark tells Kara to grab his hand. Instead she looks like she wants to take a nap. Clark says he can't let her die. He reaches for her. He says she's meant for more than rotting away in the P'Zone. Kara looks at him. Inspired, she finally reaches for his hand. Clark pulls. The two of them are sucked away in a purple cloud. We see something drop behind Chloe and land. Chloe, exhausted, leans forward as the generator stops spinning. Behind her, Clark and Kara are lying on the floor. They landed in Lana's old command center. Clark goes to Chloe and asks if she's all right. "Fine," she manages. Clark hugs her. Clark asks what she did. Chloe says it doesn't matter. He's safe now. She notices he also snuck something through Customs. Clark asks about Lois. Chloe tells him that she was infected with something. She asks if the name Faora rings any bells. Oh, I'm sure that given time she'd ring quite a few bells around here. "Zod's wife," Kara says, "the wraith that escaped." Clark asks Kara to go to the Metropolis police department and to ask for John Jones. Clark wants her to borrow Martian Manhunter's crystal. "He'll know what you mean," Clark says. Let's hope so. Dude shouldn't be giving out his crystal willy-nilly. Chloe warns Clark that Lois-Alien has all of Clark's powers, but without his inhibitions. "Don't worry. I can handle Lois," he says, gravely.
Hospital. Faora is playing with some pretty white flowers in an exam room. Davis enters. He offers her a cup of coffee. He says it won't sober her up, but it'll help clear away the cobwebs. Faora, staring lovingly, says that Davis may not recognize her, but he's the spitting image of his father. Do Kryptonians use the phrase "Spitting image?" Do they even spit? Davis smiles. He's not buying it. He thinks she's on drugs. He starts to examine her, using his trusty "Pen-light in the eye" method. "You don't know who you are," Faora says flatly. She informs him that he's experiencing blackouts and missing pieces of his life. "Your body's still evolving," she says. Freaked out, Davis asks how she knows that. She says that before they were phantoms, she and Zod were unable to have children. She says they created him. "You created me?" he asks. She says that he arrived on Earth as genetic matter containing her planet's most powerful life forms. She says that over time, he would evolve to become Earth's ultimate destroyer. Neat! Davis goes from freaked out to confused. "I drive an ambulance," he tells her. She puts a hand on the side of his face. She says the duty of a child is to continue the legacy his parents began. She thinks their family is meant to take the planet as their own. She's disappointed how nice he's treating humans. She thinks he's still too weak to fulfill his destiny. Davis looks a bit hurt. But not as bad as he's going to be. Faora tears off a metal railing from a nearby bed. She shoves the metal right through Davis's torso. He grimaces. She pulls the metal out. He stumbles and falls, knocking over a lamp. The lamp flickers in front of him. He bleeds all over the floor. Faora, on the floor, whispers in his ear. "Trust me, my son. That which kills you makes you stronger." The strings of doom play as Davis sputters and dies. "I'll be back when you're ready," she says. She leaves the room as we end up on a close-up of his slackening face.
Faora-as-Lois in the hallway. Something whooshes in behind her. She turns. Clark is standing there. He says he's been looking for her. She tells him he's too late. She starts to walk away, but Clark grabs her by the arm. Defiantly, she says that Zod may be gone, but that their creation will destroy the world. Why destroy it if you want to rule? Clark wants to talk to Lois. Faora asks if Jor-El or Lara ever came looking for Clark. She says they didn't love Clark like she loves her son. Clark keeps trying to talk to the Lois inside. He says he's sorry. "You have feelings for this creature I inhabit!" Faora says, "like father like son." Ooh! I think Jor-El was a playa! She shoves Clark with one arm, sending him flying through a wall. He falls outside the building and lands on his back, crushing a fire truck. We hear another whoosh and Faora is straddling Clark on top of the truck. I guess Lois finally got her Whitesnake video wish. Faora chokes Clark. He asks Lois to stop. "Lois can't hear you," Faora whispers. We hear some weird space noise nearby. Suddenly, a beam of red light hits Faora right in the chest. The phantom materializes, falling out of Lois's body. The camera pulls back and we see Kara holding the crystal. It sucks in the Faora wraith. Once it's gone, Lois's slack body falls on Clark. He breathes a sigh of relief. Kara goes to help. She asks of Lois is all right. Clark's not sure. Can you give us a minute? This feels good.
In the exam room where Davis was impaled, he suddenly wakes up in a pool of his own blood. He inhales sharply. He's back!
Commercials. Maxwell House is getting all Arabica up in those beans. Hot!
Daily Planet, daytime. Lois, with her hair toned down and makeup back to normal (but cleavage exposed and at the ready), finds Clark at the copy machine. She whispers that she just came from Tess's office and got a raise. And with that, Lois has broken the last remaining rule of working at a newspaper: you don't discuss your salary with coworkers. She has earned the un-coveted Worst Newspaper Employee Ever award, narrowly beating out the guy who made up funny horoscopes and forgot to print a bunch of obits. Clark asks why Tess would give her a raise. "Because I'm me, hello!" she sasses. Oh, Godsticks. I now have good reason to understand that it's Lois the character, not Erica Durance the actress, who is so horrible. Because Durance did a pretty great job as Faora. Clark rolls his eyes and sighs, not sure how to respond. He says it's a bit random. Lois pats him on the shoulder condescendingly and tells him he just has to pay his dues and keep photocopying like a champ. Clark asks if she saw Tess the day before. Lois doesn't remember. She says she touched the rock, tripped out in an Arabian Nights acid trip and woke up confused. Clark says it was probably a blood-sugar thing. He says it's a good thing he can keep an eye on Lois at the farm. Lois pauses. "About that... change of plans," she says. Lois says it's nothing against Clark, but with her raise she can now afford to live somewhere without farm animals. It was that big a raise? Gah. There is no God or justice or truth in this universe. Clark asks if it had anything to do with the hallucination she had. Lois scoffs, saying it was just a dream. She asks what kind of reality has Clark as her knight in shining armor. Clark, amused, notes that he was her knight in shining armor. Lois, awkwardly, calls it crazy. One of Tess's assistants (a strong-looking male one, not her perky blonde assistant) tells Clark that Tess wants to see him. He pauses long enough to give Clark and Lois a really dirty look. Lois gives Clark a half-smile.
Tess's office. She puts down a photo she was looking at as Clark walks in. Tess says, out of nowhere, that she shouldn't have underestimated Lois. She says Lois blew her away yesterday. "You did see her yesterday," Clark says. Tess says she didn't think Lois had an interesting bone in her body. (Usually, she has to have one inserted into her by a coworker.) Tess says that Lois was telling her about Kryptonian spaceships and someone named Kal-El. Clark shits his pants a little. He smirks and says Lois was just hallucinating. Tess mentions that she stopped at the farm. She's sure Chloe must have mentioned it. She says Clark has quite the muddy driveway. She shows him a photo of a boot sole print. Tess has figured out that Clark was the last person to see Lex alive. A matching bootprint was found up in the arctic. She provides a handy overlay to prove the point. Clark says a lot of people have work boots. Clark pooh-poohs the evidence. Tess says there's a lot more to Clark than he's willing to admit. Clark says he's just a farmer-turned-journalist and not a very interesting story. Sometimes, I agree. Tess thinks Clark is hiding something about Lex. She wants Clark to know they're on the same side. And she doesn't think he should be lying to his boss. Clark says she should fire him if she wants because he has nothing else to say about the photos. Tess doesn't want to fire Clark. Raise, then? She says she wants to trust Clark. She wants to know why Lex didn't trust him. She believes the truth will reveal itself in time. Close-up on Clark. That would ruin his day.
That evening. Clark arrives at home. Man, what a shit day. Oliver is sitting in the living room. He jokes that Hallmark didn't have any "Welcome back to Earth" cards. Clark is happy to see that everyone has a key to his place. He thanks Oliver for his help. Oliver explains what happened with Chloe, the supercomputer and her white eyes. He asks what happened to her. Clark says that Brainiac infected her somehow. Oliver asks what Clark is doing about this. Clark, lamely, says he tried talking to her, but that he can't control her life. Oliver says that Chloe is living Clark's life and keeps getting sucked into situations that "Humans" can't really understand. Oliver advises Clark to make her stop before she gets hurt, you know, as her best friend. Clark nods a bit.
The Barnness of Epilogueitude, later that night. Clark is staring at the box containing the crystal. Yeah, let's not mess with it too much anymore, all right? Kara comes up to the loft. She says Clark has cold feet already and he's not even at the tundra. Interstellar portal humor! Ha! Clark says that after what the crystal did, there's no way he can trust it to rebuild the Fortress. He puts the box down where anyone could get to it. Kara asks if this little adventure ends with Clark telling Lois his secret. Clark says he was trying to keep her away from that, but that it nearly got her killed. Kara thinks Lois can handle it. Lois can't even handle music that exists after 1992. "She's tough. Strong," Kara says. What show have you been watching? Kara says Clark wouldn't have let Lois get so close if he didn't agree. Clark jokes that he was beginning to miss these family lectures. Kara gets sad. She gulps. She says she's leaving Smallville. Clark says she just got back. Kara says that when she was in that "Hellhole," (summer hiatus with no contract?) she heard rumors that Kandor still exists. Wow. Such candor. What wraith told you that lie? Was it in the Phantom Zone version of TMZ.com? Kara says that she thinks part of their civilization might have survived before Krypton a'sploded. She thinks she can save their bloodline if she can find them. Bloodwhat? Clark offers to go with her. Kara thinks there's a reason Clark was sent to Earth and raised as a Kent. She says his path is on Earth to save and inspire humans. Clark thinks they can do it all together. He just bought a personal productivity book and super shit is about to Get Done. Kara says she doesn't fit in here and that her journey is somewhere else. As a guest star on several Law & Order series. They hug. Clark says he's going to miss her. Kara holds up a little Superman symbol she has tied on a chain around her neck. She got it in Chinatown. "See?" she says, "you're always with me. Close to my heart." Oh, whatever. Just go. Without saying goodbye, Kara turns and flies into the night. We see her flying, one fist forward, away from the farm. She seems to hesitate for a moment, then puts on the boosters. See ya, Kara! You were ridiculously written, but we liked you anyway. Clark looks up at the sky sadly. We see a streak up there.
Hospital. Davis has walked into a morgue room. He opens his shirt and looks at his chest. Saaaaay... nice! He has no wound. Davis takes off the shirt completely. He grabs a giant knife. Takes a deep breath. Points the knife at his midsection with both hands, Romeo-style. Davis nervously gulps. He pulls the knife toward himself. The thing shatters in slow-motion CGI. Drums play as we zoom in on Davis's face. He's like, "What... the..." (Blackout.)
week: Chloe's memories of seven seasons are getting wiped out. Well, that's going to save you a lot of pain, Chloe.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and writer living in New Braunfels, Texas. Check out the new Web show he does with his brother, Pablo, "Trailers Without Pity." You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.
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