Kneel Before...Lana?

S05E22

By Omar G

So it's come to this, huh? Lex wakes up (fully clothed) with Lana on his jock and hears a terrible wringing in his head that leads him to the middle of a field. Swoop! Lex is sucked up by a translucent Kryptonian ship while Lana acts in protest. Clark finds out from Jarnelle and an informational ice dildo/dagger that General Zod plans to come to Earth by way of a human vessel, namely Lex. Lex is a vessel for a Kryptonian to enter? Tell Clark one he doesn't already know. Clark is faced with a terrible choice: he might need to kill Lex to keep Zod from destroying Earth the way he did Krypton. If only the plotholes could all be defeated in such an efficient manner. Lex tells Lana that he's got Kryptonian powers and she's a bit scared, but mostly tuned on by his honesty. Lana finds out about Clark's plans to potentially kill Lex and freaks out. "Not my man!" she whines and disses Clark for his lies for the millionth time. Professor SoFine wants Zod back and in order to pressure Clark to help make this happen, he unleashed a computer virus that goes alien-to-PC as revenge for Jeff Goldblum's bullshit in Independence Day. Instead of treating the computer virus and blackouts like normal humans have, mass rioting breaks out in stock footage from all over the world. Clark saves Chloe's life and she kisses him because she may never see him again. It's totally hot. MamaKent and Lois get on a private plane bound for a political event in Washington but the oxygen gives out and another SoFine is piloting the aircraft. They go unconscious and that's about as far as that plotline goes. Back in Metropolis, Chloe and Papa Luthor are caught in the riots and, despite the conventional wisdom on the forums, I think the goons are trying to rob and maybe beat up Chloe, not gang rape her. It's still disturbing to watch, though, Al and Miles. Instead of killing Lex, Clark throws his Krypto-dagger at SoFine and opens up a Massive Dark Energy Plothole that shuttles General Zod through SoFine and into Lex's body. An interstellar gay robot three-way? Just what this show needed. Clark is sucked into a ring of imprisonment up in space, doomed to forever be on the cover of Queen II. Lana seemingly steps right over Chloe's brutalized body to get to the roof of the LuthorCorp building to meet Lex. Only it's General Zod in there now. And guess what? General Zod falls in love with Lana just like everyone else in the goddamned universe. Instead of throwing her off the building or telling her to KNEEL BEFORE ZOD ("And, uh, while you're down there...") he kisses her, thus ensuring that General Zod is neither scary nor all-knowing. He's just as Lana-whipped as every other jerk on this show. Meanwhile Clark floats out in space in his album-cover prison, forced to watch these shitty events unfold. I know just how he feels. Have a great summer!

We made it! Dear Big Network Executive in the Sky, we made it! Last episode, biz-natches and biz-nachos! And yes, while I complained a lot, I will honestly say that as uneven as Season 5 was, it at least washed out the "Who in the WHAAA?!" taste of Season 4 out of our collective mouth. I'm just glad I'm no longer spending half my time recapping octagon-shaped discs anymore.

Let us go forth and recapture! Previously: an entire season's worth of Lana-worship happened.

We open on a pastoral view of Kent Farm. Brooding tones play, as a huge shadow creeps across the land. It's finally happened. MechaCow! Moooo, motherfuckers! Moooo! Drown in a sea of unpasteurized milk, silly humans! Clark is in the stable feeding horses and not hearing the huge hum or noticing the shadow across the land. Shelby the dog barks, and Clark finally sees that something's up. The horses buck and say, "Hey, don't show us the food, feed us with it, you alien jackass!" Clark, his hair waving, sees flashing lights outside. He can't figure out what it is. Instead of investigating, the future superhero closes the stable door. Nice one, Clark. You actually make me wonder whether Mercy Reef's hero will be any better.

Lair of Lex. We pan across a bunch of Chinese take-out containers and a fireplace that's still going, then we settle on Lex. He's lying, fully clothed, on his leather sofa. Lana is lying on him. His arm's not asleep because Lana is perfect and would never have that effect on a guy. The giant shadow, which can penetrate stained glass, moves across Lex's sleeping face. There's wind in the room (huh?) and the fireplace flashes. Lex suddenly opens his eyes. Lex winces a few times, as Lana, also fully dressed, wakes up. Was the cuddling good for you, too? Lex gets up. Lana asks whether something's wrong. Lex puts his palms to the sides of his head in pain. Yes, there's something wrong! Why aren't we sleeping in a bed? Why doesn't this giant castle even have a bedroom? Why is the fireplace going in May? It all...just...doesn't...make sense! Gaaahhhh! The camera spins around Lex, as Lana asks what's happening. Plotholes! Everywhere! Eating at the fabric of reality! Lex, grunting, throws open the double doors and exits. Lana follows.

Kansas road, daytime. Lex is driving his silver sports car. He still looks like he's in pain. Lana, in her red SUV, is following. Lex's phone rings. Lana is trying to call. Lex pulls over in the middle of nowhere. He runs through some brush. "Lex!" Lana calls as she pursues. Lex runs through a bit of water and slips in some mud. He grunts some more. Lana doesn't slip and fall or get her feet wet because she is an angel made of goodness and light and her poop is like one of heaven's tangerines. Lana runs after Lex, as he goes to stand in the middle of a big empty field. The camera does a cool Pi-esque spin with Lex, as he moans in pain and holds his head. He suddenly stops. Lana tries to run to him, but Lex yells for her to stay where she is. She asks what's happening. "I don't know!" he yells. Explosions start going off all around Lex, sending dirt flying up in the air. Boom, boom, boom, boom! Angelic light bleeds out of the ground. Lex is unhurt. He and Lana stare at each other. Then there's a rumbling and lots of wind. The shadow moves across the land. Lex looks up. There's seemingly nothing there. Lana hears a whoosh behind her. She turns and sees Professor SoFine standing there, wearing a Reservoir Dogs suit. Lex yells for SoFine to get away from Lana. "What are you doing?" Lana asks SoFine. "Perparing him," SoFine tells her. We see the translucent shape of a spaceship appear above Lex and a blue cylindrical beam homes in on Lex. Lex screams. Lana screams, "Noooo!" convincingly. Lex is suddenly beamed up into the ship, disappearing. Lana lets out a guttural scream of panic that's probably the most real thing I've ever seen her do on this show. She turns again. SoFine is gone. Lana runs into the circle of light. Have I mentioned she's so angelic you could scream? Light surrounds her. We get a sky-eye view. The light disappears, leaving a huge brand of the Kryptonian "Z" for Zod. Or maybe it's Kryptonian Zorro. Who the fuck knows? Lana is standing in the middle of the giant black symbol, unharmed.

Opening credits. What will they do with these season? I vote for a cartoony sequence like The Pink Panther, only make it a formerly pink squirrel.

Commercials. Oh yeah. That other Superman thing.

Kent farm. Former home of MechaCow. Lois is ranting to some poor airline customer service representative on the phone. She tells the person on the phone that there were airline reservations long before there were computers, and that there has to be a record of "us" on a flight despite a glitch. It's really sad when meth addicts get hold of a phone. In the background, MamaKent is looking up rehab centers. MamaKent pours tea, as Lois asks to talk to someone's supervisor's supervisor. A knock at the front door. MamaKent opens it and sees a dashing Papa Luthor wearing all black. He's Johnny Cashing In. "Lionel," MamaKent breathes. Papa Luthor says that he thought MamaKent would be on her way to Washington by now. That's why he stopped by. He was hoping to go through her drawers while she was gone. She invites him inside. MamaKent says that the airline canceled her flight. Papa Luthor offers the free LuthorCorp jet to take her. Is that really a kosher use of company resources? MamaKent makes a show of saying no, and says that she can't keep taking favors from Papa Luthor. He says that it's not personal; it's business. Papa Luthor says it's important that she get to Washington and that the private jet is the obvious solution. Isn't it always? MamaKent says that it's a National Education Convention with over 3,000 attendees. She whines that she'll be wearing her inexperience like a badge. Sure, if you wear the badge backward. MamaKent spills hot water for tea, as Papa Luthor grins and says that experience is overrated. He leans in very close as he helps her clean up the spilled water. He tells her inexperience is one of the rare qualities she possesses. I hope he doesn't mean she's lacking qualities. A tender moment. MamaKent tries very hard not to be totally turned on.

Daily Planet. Lana, wearing all black (and looking completely stunned), almost runs into a delivery person as she tries to navigate the newsroom. As she walks in a daze, Chloe, in a smart white top (hello, good vs. evil) says, "Hey!" Chloe pays more attention to the papers she's holding than to Lana, which makes her unique in this universe. "I was beginning to think I was living with a ghost," Chloe says, "not that it would be the first time." Lana continues to look freaked out, and says that she's so scared, and that she knew he was getting in too deep. But enough about Lana's sex life. Lana, back to scared little girl mode, says that "they" took Lex. Chloe pulls Lana aside to a chair and asks what happened. Lana says that she and Lex were in a field -- as if it was a picnic -- and then says there was a flash of light and that Lex was taken. "Into where?" Chloe asks. Lana says that it was the black ship from the meteor shower. "It's back," Lana says. Chloe asks whether Lana thinks SoFine had something to do with this. I don't remember Chloe and Lana having a conversation about SoFine before. Lana says that SoFine was there, and that he said that he was preparing Lex. Sans lube. Chloe says that Lana can't blame herself. Lana says she's the reason Lex got involved in the ship stuff in the first place. That's not really true. But far be it for Lana to think that things don't revolve around a man's worship of her. "What if he's dead?" she asks Chloe. What if his contract expires?

The Stable of Instability. Clark is leading a horse out of a stall and slaps it right on its horse ass. Seriously! The horse is like, "Ooh, boy, harder." Clark asks Chloe, who is standing nearby, "What do you mean taken?" Like, do you take us viewers as fools or was Clark was taken by Lex's lickable head? Chloe says that Lex was ripped from the earth and sucked into the sky. Clark feels like slapping the horse again. Chloe describes the symbol that was left behind, which she says sounds a lot like Zod's symbol. Neither she nor Clark bother to go check it out. Clark reminds us that Papa Luthor's drawings warned them that Zod is coming. He didn't read it all the way through, though, to find out upon whom Zod is coming. Chloe is confused. She thought Zod was trapped, "in that phantom other-dimension thing." Clark, standing in the foreground toward the camera, says woodenly, "Fine knows I would not release Zod willingly." You would not do that? What is it that you would do, then, willingly? Clark thinks that SoFine is changing strategies, and that Lana is right in the middle of it. It's the Lanaverse. We're all just tiny squirrels living in it, trying to get a nut. Chloe tries to convince Clark that things are different now that he and Lana are broken up and that it was Clark's choice. Clark whines that he doesn't feel like he's made any of the right choices lately. Like this jacket he's wearing. What the fuck? Clark is mad at himself for not heeding Jarnelle's warnings. Chloe reminds him that every time Clark does, something bad happens. Clark wonders whether Jarnelle isn't just trying to protect him: "What if he's trying to protect all of us?" He's doing a shit job, then.

The Caves of Contrivance. The octagonal disc makes a cameo appearance, as Clark slips it into the table slot. Bright light. Camera shakes.

The Fortress of Iceitude. The voice of Jarnelle greets Clark. "Clark, my son, you never call! We never go fishing! You know that song about the cat in the cradle and the silver spoon, Clark? I don't know what that Earth drivel means, but I know that it makes me sad, my son!" Clark says that he had no choice but to come here. Got any money you could loan me, Dad? I'll totally pay you back as soon as the band starts touring. Jarnelle says that he knows Clark is still angered by the death of Bo Duke. "He was my father," Clark says. Ouch! Jarnelle says that he is Clark's father, and that pain is part of life. So suck it, baby boy. He tells Clark not to let anger blind him. Whatever you say, invisible dude. Clark says that SoFine is trying to release Zod, and that Clark needs to know what to do. Jarnelle says that SoFine is part of the "croft" that can regenerate in any form. He's going to turn into Lara Croft! Sweet! Clark asks who's controlling the ship. Jarnelle says that it's not just a ship. It's a "brain interactive construct." Oh, like some Braniac thing. Jarnelle says that it'll stop at nothing until Zod is released. Clark thinks that there must be some way to stop Zod. Jarnelle says Zod committed acts that led to the destruction of Krypton; he killed Jarnelle, Clark's mama, and the entire race. Jarnelle says Zod will do that on Earth, too. What's in it for him to do that? Jarnelle says that Zod's physical body was destroyed when they stuck him in the Phantom Zone. He can be freed if he finds a vessel to inhabit. A sexy bald one, preferably. The stack 'o ice dildos lights up. One thrusts itself at Clark. On the other end is a sharp dagger. Kinky! The Ice Dildo Dagger floats in front of Clark. Choose which end to use wisely. Jarnelle says that no matter who it might be, the vessel has to be destroyed. Kryptonian symbols light up on the dagger handle. We go to white.

Daily Planet. Daytime. Clark has told Chloe what just happened. She's shocked that Jarnelle would ask Clark to kill someone. Clark says that he's not doing it. Chloe thinks that disobeying Jarnelle will also have terrible consequences. Clark thinks that there must be another way. What if we built a large wooden badger? Chloe asks questions about Zod that have pretty much already been answered. "What if the vessel is Lex?" Clark asks her. Well, you should know, Clark. What's his entry point like? Chloe figures that's why the ship took him and why SoFine was preparing him. Just then, Lana appears in the doorway and stops to listen. "If I'm right," Clark says, "I've got to kill Lex." Lana doesn't seem to like that idea.

Commercials. The Nikon Coolpix S6. They've finally made a camera as thin as Kate Moss.

Kent Farm mailbox. Inside the Barnness of Daggertude. Clark moves aside his unused nice leather journal from his birthday and reveals the Ice Dildo Dagger (which is incredibly fun to say) from a desk drawer. Is this a dagger I see before me? Yep. And I gotta recap that shit. Clark is up in the loft, and the camera shows Papa Luthor in the background, eyeing Clark as he comes up the stairs. Papa Luthor tells Clark that in some cultures, when a father presents a knife to a son it represents a rite of passage. A passage into an adulthood full of stabbing small animals. Clark asks how Papa Luthor knew that the knife was from Jarnelle. Papa says that the glyphs on the blade look Kryptonian. Clark thinks a "glyph" is what you jump off of if you're a gimp. Papa asks what Jarnelle wants Clark to do with the dagger. Stab you! Ha ha! Thrust! (STAB!) No, not really. But that would be some cold shit, huh? Clark doesn't want to say anything. Papa Luthor says that he came to find Clark because he woke up that morning and found a note. It was a phone number by the stairs with writing that read, "Thank u 4 a funky time. Call me up whenever u wanna grind." Who's this Nikki chick who signed it? Is she from Krypton? Papa hands over the actual note. The symbols look like a sideways emoticon saying, "I'm bored," and a kite stabbing Charlie Brown's head. Papa asks Clark to tell him what it means. It reads, "I'm bored and want to stab Charlie Brown's head with a kite." Or, "sacrifice the vessel," Clark says. So why did he need Chloe to translate symbols last week if he can read "sacrifice the vessel" just fine? Is Clark hooked on Kryptonics? Papa asks Clark to explain. Papa wants to help, and acting all concerned, Papa says that Clark doesn't have to make this decision alone. Clark says that there's nothing anyone else can do. From behind, Papa puts his hands on Clark's shoulders, and says, "Don't underestimate me, son." Now call me Kate. Clark, who looks near tears, says that he's been asked to kill the human who will be the vessel for Zod. Clark explains that HomeZod will be destroying Earth, by the way. Clark says that he can't kill anyone: "You of all people should know that." Papa Luthor goes into ruthless mode, and tells Clark that the true test of a hero is knowing when the greater good would be served by an evil act. Papa says that to save the Earth, sacrificing one life is the price that must be paid. Emotionally for once, Clark asks, "Even if that life is your son's?" Then an amazing thing happens. Papa just stands there with no change in expression. "Lex is the vessel of Zod," Clark tells him. The camera goes back to Papa. His head sort of weaves in the air a bit, and his eyes roll as if he's about to faint. Papa turns his head back and sits down, his mouth open, his face woozy. Clark tells him that Lex was abducted in the morning, out in Mayer's Field. Papa Luthor turns to Clark, his eyes red, and says, "Mayer's Field, you say?" John Glover rocks the hell out of this scene, and as has often been the case, he brings up Tom Welling's game, too. Wow. Amazing acting.

The scorched-Earth area where Zod laid his intergalactic symbol-turd. The soil is smoking. Lex lies in the middle, in his suit, twitching. He awakens and stands up. He breathes rapidly. "Lex?" says Papa Luthor, who just showed up. Papa asks Lex whether he feels all right. Lex says that everything feels different. Papa asks what happened, but Lex doesn't seem sure. Lex says that Papa tried to warn him about SoFine, but he didn't listen. Papa Luthor observes that Lex never has listened and that he has always wanted what was just out of his grasp. Papa says this time Lex overreached himself. Lex asks Papa whether he is there to lecture or to help. Papa says that it's too late for either: "You made a deal with the devil. He always comes to collect." With interest! Lex looks away. Papa comes and puts his hands on Lex's shoulder, but Lex brushes him aside -- and sends Papa Luthor flying like a damn rocket, right into his towncar. Papa Luthor careens right toward us, as we look from inside the car. He smashes face- and hands-first into the windshield, cracking it. His head bleeds. Papa Luthor looks pretty damn dead to me. Lex, surprised, looks down at his own hands. Cut to Papa Luthor's frozen face, stuck to the windshield. Yegads! Papa Luthor's face slides down and he rolls over. He breathes in pain. No fucking way. I don't want him to die either, but come on. That's just ridiculous. Papa, his face bloodied, looks at Lex. Lex runs very, very fast, super-zipping to his father. He asks Papa whether he is all right, and Papa mutters, "What have they...done to you...Lex? What have they turned you into?" Lex looks around and can't come up with a decent answer. So he zips away. Papa Luthor blinks. But he's alive, at least.

Lair of Lex. Lana is rifling through photos of the spaceship. We hear a whoosh. Lex is suddenly standing there. Lana goes to hug him. She says that she thought she'd never see him again. Lex tells her that he's been given a gift. Lex lets go of Lana and walks to his desk. He opens a box atop it and pulls out a fancy silver gun. Lana watches him, afraid. Lex puts the barrel of the gun against his right palm and shoots. Lana gasps in horror. If they really wanted to throw us for a loop, Warner Bros. could have insisted the gun used in this scene be the Toon Gun from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. That would have made for an awesome scene. The gun smokes. Lex stares at his hand. Lex holds it in a fist. Lana steps forward, almost crying. She opens Lex's hand. There's a flattened bullet and a ring of gunpowder around it. "There's not a scratch on it," she whimpers. Lex says that Lana needs to know the truth about him. He has a thing for fish. Tartar sauce turns him on. Lana backs away. "They've turned you into one of them," she says, frightened. "I have their abilities. But it's still me," Lex explains. He tells Lana that he'd never lie to her. Oh, well that's cool, then. Be an alien. Lana steps forward again. He asks how he could keep something like this from the person he loves most. Lana, almost crying again, just watches him with adoration. Then she moves her eyes around to think. She tells Lex that she overheard Clark and Chloe talking about trying to kill him. Lex looks away in disgust. "That's fear, Lana," he tells her. He thinks Papa Luthor has infected Clark with afeardness. "Clark can't stand the fact that I'm different now," Lex says. He says that there's a place he needs to go. Red Lobster. He starts to walk, and Lana tries to go with him, but Lex stops her. Lex puts his hands on both sides of her face, and tells her he'll always love her. Lana says that it sounds like they'll never see each other again. Oh, action movie cliché. Lex says that that's her choice. He asks her to meet him at the top of LuthorCorp plaza that night. Then he zips out of the room, leaving Lana's hair to whoosh with the wind. Wanna give us a time for that? Should she just wait a few hours? What part of the roof? Hello? Aw, crap. Lana shivers because of oncoming commercials.

Commercials. Wow, MacGyver got puffy.

We get one of those annoying "If you're just joining us..." bits. It says, "If you're just joining us, destiny has come for Lex Luthor." It only shows Lex getting blasted by dirt, and Lana screaming. You're welcome, viewers.

Smallville Medical Center, home to the highest health care insurance premiums in the country. Clark is allowed to just walk in and see a non-family member (again), Papa Luthor. "You found Lex!" Clark says as he enters an exam room. Nobody's bothered to take care of Papa's numerous face wounds as he rubs his shoulder. He's sitting up. Dude should be in traction for a year after what just happened. Instead, it's like he fell of a curb lined with pillows. Papa struggles to tell Clark that Lex was in the field, but that he's...he's something. He's changed. He's straight! Nooooo! God, no! Anything but that! Why, God, WHY!!!!?? Clark asks what happened to Papa Luthor. Papa says that everything SoFine has done was to prepare Lex for this. Including teaching history class? Papa says that Lex now has the same powers as Clark. Papa is worried about what Lex will do with his powers. The tympanis thunder. Clark asks what that means. Papa answers that Lex wasn't raised the way Clark was, and that Lex was ruthlessly brought up to survive at any cost. Papa Luthor gets off the exam table and puts on his watch. Are you sure you're not the one with miraculous healing powers? Also, doesn't Papa have his own team of doctors? What's he doing in this shithole? Clark thinks that the ruthless parts of Lex might be what save him and help him fight off the vessel business. Papa says Clark sees that in Lex because he wants to. Luvahboy. Papa says that there's always been a dark force inside of Lex. It's called The Penetrator and it requires a separate AC adapter. Papa says that if Zod is truly the badass that Clark believes him to be, it's easy to see why he chose Lex as his vessel. Papa limps around the room, dressing himself: "What about Lana?" Yes, let us return to that very important subject. Papa says that she's a very important part of Lex's life now, and that Clark should be careful deciding what he'll do. Papa asks Clark which one he'd be willing to sacrifice. The girl! Sacrifice the girl! Then Papa exits. Well, uh, thanks! Catch ya later then? Should I just tell the doctor that you...er, that you're fine? You'll take your own helicopter home? All right then. Later, Papa Luthor. We'll be seeing you, I guess.

LuthorCorp jet on a runway. MamaKent and Lois are on the very swanky private plane. Lois says that if you're going to fly, you might as well do it in the lap of luxury. So long as luxury doesn't get a boner. MamaKent tells Lois to enjoy it because she'd never have done this if her flight hadn't been cancelled. Oh, sweet rural repression. As they settle into their absurdly comfortable-looking chairs, Lois says that she thinks this won't be the last time MamaKent flies the friendly Luthor skies. Mile high humor! MamaKent says that it's just a friendly gesture. Lois makes "doubtful" noises, and points out another friendly gesture: a bottle of champagne with a note attached. MamaKent reads it. She smiles, and says that Papa Luthor can be a very generous man. Lois stares at MamaKent, as the jet engines rev up. MamaKent says that she's not interested in a relationship with Papa Luthor or anyone else. Lois asks, "Really?" her subtext being, "You fucking liar." Lois asks whether MamaKent is just worried about how Clark would take it. MamaKent gives her a shocked look. Lois backs off, but only temporarily.

Stately Luthor Manor at night. A meteor sails across the sky. Make a wish on a falling Zod! Clark juts through the double doors. "Lex!" he hollers. The camera sails around Clark in a horizontal swoop. Lana appears across the room wearing a very flattering red halter top. Gotta say, evil has done great things for Lana's looks. Lana is on the offensive. Oh, you men with your superpowers. I'm going to have another drink while you beat each other into a bloody pulp! And then I'm going to laugh and laugh. Lana strides across the room while she tells Clark that he'll never find Lex. Clark says that Lex is in trouble. Girl trouble. Lana sets an overnight bag on he piano, and asks whether Clark really thinks she'll believe that he's there to help. Clark says that he doesn't want anything to happen to Lex. "Like what?" Lana snaps. "Like having your best friend turn against you?" When has Clark been Lex's best friend lately? Lana says that she heard Clark and Chloe talking about killing Lex. Yeah, that's pretty bad as overheard news goes. Lana says she shouldn't be surprised that Clark knew Lex would come back different. Clark plods forward: "You can't stay with him. He's not what you think!" He's The Gay! No, wait, he's not anymore. Carry on, then. Lana says that Lex told her his secret and it didn't change the way she feels about him. You broke up! Can't you guys stay away from each other for one episode? Clark falters, and then wonders if what happened to Lex doesn't scare her. Lana says that she's not going to abandon Lex, and is careful to enunciate so Clark doesn't think that she said "I'm not going to start a band with Lex." Because that would totally break Clark's heart. Again with the wooden lines, Clark says, "Fine would not give him powers unless he wanted something in return." He just wants a robot sandwich. They don't even make them here on Earth. Lana moves her head around like she's got a neck cramp. Clark says that it's not over, and that he can help Lex if she tells him where he went. Lana asks how she knows Clark won't hurt him. "You know me," Clark says. Oops! "No, I don't," Lana tells him. Lana says that she can't tell which side of Clark is the real one. I'd say the side that's all ass. Clark gulps. Lana lays it on thick for this line: "If you have ever really cared about me, tell me what's happening to Lex." Clark's lip twitches on the side. "Lana, please," he says. Dude, just tell her something! Damn! You don't have to spill all your secrets, just tell her you think Lex is going to be inhabited by an alien and that the alien wants to kill everybody. "You don't trust me. You've never trusted me, have you?" Lana scoffs, seriously. Then she takes her own dagger, an earthen one, and twists it into Clark: "I don't know how I could have ever loved you." Long, hurt looks. Lana takes the bag with her extra-full set of clothes for evening wear, toothbrush and Neutrogena, then leaves the Lair of Lex.

The camera shifts slightly to reveal SoFine standing behind Clark. "And to think...her loyalty could have been yours," SoFine says. Oh, you robot fiend, shut up! I'm trying to have an acting moment here! Don't fuck with my Emmy reel! SoFine says that Clark could have been honest with Lana, and that now, Zod will cherish her allegiance. Why, exactly, would Zod want some moistened, unemployed, annoying, suspicious, no-personality-having, pocket-sized, witch-channeling Earth dink on his jock? Is Zod that stupid? Clark turns and punches SoFine right in the chest: "She's my witch-channeling Earth dink!" SoFine goes flying, crashing into Lex's shelves. "Leave Lana out of this!" Clark warns. SoFine, kneeling, looks up at Clark like a badass, and says that it's Kal-El's own fault. SoFine reveals that Clark was supposed to be the vessel, but Jarnelle's spirit was too strong in him. Quite the opposite, I thought. Hasn't Clark resisted Jarnelle every step of the way? SoFine tells Clark that if he had released Zod the first time, they would have been spared. What, there'd be like three humans out of several billion who would survive? That sounds like a crap day of Scrabble, if you ask me. SoFine offers Clark one more chance. Clark says that nothing could make him release a monster like Zod, but SoFine says that Clark's one weakness might: humans. SoFine elaborates that they're so fragile, and that they wouldn't survive without their technology. Goddamn. He's got my number, all right. SoFine adds that if you take that technology away, humans will devolve into the animals they really are. No fair, ggroowr! Growwrr rroowrrr, rrowwr! (Grrr, growl, grrrr, heh heh.) SoFine says that Clark can't save all of them. Clark steps forward and tries to be menacing: "I'll never do what you want." SoFine has an answer for that: "Then it begins." SoFine puts his hand on Lex's laptop. The screen fills with Matrix-like text, only it's Kryptonian symbols. Lights blow out above them. "Enjoy the show," SoFine says.

Metropolis. All the lights go off. The Daily Planet planet stops spinning. Blackout!

Commercials. Poseidon. Currently drowning in bad reviews at a theater near you.

Metropolis. Still dark. Inside the Daily Planet, workers are running out of there like there's a donut sale on the street. And nobody's bothering to carry a notepad to write down what might be the biggest story of the year. Nice one. There are sirens and alarms. If newspapers reacted this way every time the computers malfunctioned there would never, ever be a newsprint medium again. Clark asks Chloe what's going on. "I dunno. You tell me," she says, and shows Clark a laptop screen full of Kryptonian gibberish. Clark says that it's already reached Metropolis. He knows that because he's standing there. Chloe asks whether he knows where it started. Clark tells Chloe that it started on Lex's computer, and thinks if anyone could figure out the virus, it would be Chloe. Chloe from 24. Chloe says that she's been tracking the virus (with what computer?) and adds that after it took out communications, the virus started hitting the city's infrastructure. "All because of me," says Clark. You just stole Lana's line. Clark says that his hand is being forced because he won't help release Zod. Chloe says that he's playing hardball because elevators, gas mains and subways are all affected. She says that it's like Y2K on acid. You mean Y2K when nothing really major happened? On acid because of the green color on the screens? Note to whomever wrote that line: there's a fine line between clever and stupid. Chloe turns on an old radio and catches a news broadcast that is somehow being put out without electricity, computers, or gas mains. Maybe it was a podcast recorded before everything went to shit. The news "broadcast" says that the sudden collapse of the city's infrastructure is causing injury and panic throughout the city. Damn, people, chill! There's already looting and riots. You people are such pussies. Really. The radio says that there've been reports from as far as Denver of similar shenanigans. Chloe says that if this continues, every major city in the world will be infiltrated. Chloe turns as she hears a car screech. The front end of a vehicle slams through the stained glass windows of the Planet basement. Clark super-zips, and we see him put his arm around Chloe and pivot her in slow motion, as glass flies toward them. Clark does a full turn, then holds a hand out, stopping the car in mid-air. Slick move. Clark and Chloe look at each other. He starts to walk off. Shouldn't you exchange insurance information or something? And the driver of the car didn't notice any of that? Chloe tells Clark that he can't save everyone. Clark says he can't release Zod. In an impassioned little rant, Chloe asks whether maybe the solution is to do what Jarnelle says and destroy the vessel. More tympanis. Clark looks around. He says that he doesn't want to leave Chloe there in case something goes wrong. "You have to," Chloe says. It would take Clark about three seconds to pick up Chloe and drop her off at the farm. Why is that too much trouble? Clark walks away. Why is Chloe the only staff member in the building right now? "Clark!" Chloe calls. Clark stops. "I don't know if I'm ever going to see you again," she tells him. She goes to him and kisses him. It's about seven seconds of hot smooching in profile. When they break, Chloe rubs Clark's well-defined cheekbone. A phone rings. Clark turns to it, then turns back to Chloe. She touches his cheek again. Clark goes to the phone, as Chloe tries to decompress. Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts. Clark picks up the receiver in what looks like an ancient phone booth. "Hello Clark," says the voice of Lex, "I heard you want to see me."

Mistakes on a plane. Seriously, this plotline is just...ugh. If you couldn't figure out something to do with MamaKent and Lois in this finale, why not just let them stay at home and talk about their love lives some more? This isn't even tacked-on; it's Post-It!-noted on. MamaKent is reading. Lois is napping, but is awoken by a thud. Lois asks MamaKent whether she'd tell her if she had drool all over her face. MamaKent just chuckles. Oh, you classless lass. Lois sighs, and asks what time it is. MamaKent says that it's ten minutes to nine. Lois asks why they're not there yet, and adds that they should be strolling down Pennsylvania Avenue by now. And that's not counting the time-zone change, is it? MamaKent says that she lost track of the time. I thought on a private plane they'd at least tell you the flight status. MamaKent blames head winds. Lois says that they'd have to be gale-force, since they were supposed to land an hour before. MamaKent tells Lois to relax, and that she's sure it's just a normal delay. Lois opens the window curtains. She may have flunked geography, Lois quips, but the east coast doesn't usually look like this. MamaKent comes over. All they see are clouds rolling by and mountains. Aren't there mountains anywhere along the east coast? We cut to the cockpit. (Dirty!) Professor SoFine, in a pilot's uniform, is flying the plane. Trouble!

The Barnness of Darkitude. Clark walks in and all the lights are out. Lex appears from the shadows. He asks Clark what he decided. Lex holds out his hands: "Are you gonna kill me?" Clark says that Lex can't blame him for this because he did it to himself. "Oh, come on, Clark. You love it!" Lex says. He really does. Lex claims that ever since Clark saved him on the bridge, he's tried to be Lex's savior, saving him from his dark path, convinced that there's some good left in Lex. Actually, for a long time, Clark just treated Lex like a douche. I think the savior days are long passed. Lex adds that Clark can't accept the fact that he might fail. Clark says that he can't accept the fact that Lex has so little willpower. Lex answers that it's tough to compete with the iron willpower of killing one of your friends. Good one. Lex asks how Clark knew he'd come back with powers. Clark warns Lex that he doesn't know how much trouble he's in. Lex looks angry, and says that he used to think Clark had a strong inner core. He thought he could feel it through the colon. Lex thought Clark was so virtuous: "And yet, you lie. All the time. To me. To Lana, to all the people that cared about you. What kind of sick person would do that?" We've been asking that one for five seasons, dude. Clark wonders why Lex would fight so hard to keep such a doomed friendship. Lex says that it's because he wanted everything Clark had: the family, the inconspicuous life, the loyal girlfriend. Formerly loyal. "Well, at least I walked away with the part you loved the most," Lex says. Clark loves Lana more than his family? Only on this show, I guess. Clark firmly states that Lex isn't himself. "Or maybe I finally am," Lex counters. He grabs Clark by the shirt. They struggle back and forth, until Clark flings Lex across the barn. Clark hears a whoosh, and Lex appears behind Clark. "I knew there was something different about you," Lex tells him. Lex grabs Clark and throws him up on to the loft. Lex super-zips up, and the two wrestle some more. Clark straddles Lex like the days of old and whips out the dagger. The symbols light up. Lex grits his teeth. "Do it, Clark!" shouts someone downstairs. It's SoFine, wearing his sleek suit: "Let's see if you're really your father's son." Clark holds the knife to Lex's neck. Clark moves his mouth around to convey emotional turmoil, and he turns and flings the knife at SoFine. The Ice Dildo Dagger flies slowly and lands right in SoFine's robot heart. It glows red like a Ring Pop.

Cut to the Fortress of Solitude. All the Ice Dildos of Krypton turn red.

Back at the barn, SoFine is on his knees. Wind rustles. "What have I done?" Clark asks. Dumbass!

Fortress. A beam of red light shoots from the Ice Dildo Collection. A Kryptonian symbol sails up to the sky.

Back at the Barn. "You've opened the portal for Zod!" SoFine yells. Lex stares. An open portal? He's totally turned on. Gayest Look of the Episode.

A red beam shoots from the sky into the barn. It connects with SoFine's back. The beam ricochets through him and toward Lex, up in the loft. Clark is thrown back. Lex screams. A purple beam shoots out of Lex and back at SoFine. SoFine disappears in a flash of light. Clark looks over at Lex. "Lex?" he asks, "Lex?" Lex turns, slowly, and walks to Clark, but stands on a step higher to get some height. "You have your father's eyes," he tells Clark. "Hello, Kal-El," LexZod says. Clark asks where Lex went. "Lex is dead," he is told. Clark asks why Zod is here. LexZod says that it's for the same reason anyone who's been imprisoned like a beast comes back: revenge. Apparently, Jarnelle banished LexZod to an eternal hell trying to save a doomed race. Guess it wasn't so eternal after all, huh? LexZod recaps that Clark was the only survivor of that effort. Clark says that it's between the two of them, and that Earth can stay out of it. Not so much. LexZod knows that Clark feels no greater pain that seeing other people in agony. Clark warns that he won't let the dude destroy Earth like he did Krypton. "You don't have a choice," LexZod says, "unless you join me." Clark vehemently says he'll never do that. Close-up on LexZod. He hopes Clark can live with that decision forever. He removes a shiny bracelet and holds it up. Holy portal! The bracelet, which is shiny and makes waves in the air, floats toward Clark. It shoots past Clark and into the night sky. It flashes way out there. Clark turns to LexZod. LexZod nods. The star in the sky sucks Clark backward toward it. Part of the barn window breaks as Clark crashes through it. The light in the sky flashes brightly again. LexZod is pleased. Nothing is better than sucking off Clark.

Commercials. Another X-Men movie. I think I'd like to just take a break from superheroes this summer, if nobody minds.

Shakes on a plane. Lois is screaming while trying to kick open the cockpit door. It's not going well. Lois tries to rip a pole and use it to open the cockpit door. MamaKent, trying to make a cell-phone call, announces that she's not feeling well. Lois is feeling light-headed, too. Neither of them is breathing very well. Lois sees an intercom on the wall and presses a button. She says that they need air pressure because they're running out of oxygen. "Open the door!" she tries to tell the pilot. MamaKent passes out. Lois crawls to her and tells her she has to stay awake. Lois looks up at a panel up on the ceiling. She grabs a tool from the bar and tries to pry the panel open. It's glowing green around the edges. The panel falls and several oxygen masks drop. But Lois is too weak to grab one. She falls to MamaKent. You know, writers, if you completely pretended like this storyline never happened season, we won't even mind. Just pretend they never left home.

Worst use of stock footage this season on any show. We see riots in NEW YORK. Footage from the '90s riots in LOS ANGELES. Dudes, this is horrible. The computers go out for a bit, and all of a sudden the whole country is looting? This show is like the anti-West Wing. No faith in our country whatsoever. I'd love to see BOISE and have nothing happening there. In METROPOLIS, a dumpster is burning. Everyone is beating the shit out of each other and, for no reason, cars. It's chaos and sirens and helicopters. This is what happens when you shut down all the Starbuck's at once.

Chloe, instead of staying safe at the Planet, is trying to navigate through the Metropolis city streets. Someone throws a Molotov cocktail at a police car. It bursts into flames. Then the dude that threw it is on fire. Nelson goes, "Ha ha!" Chloe turns and runs the way that she came. People keep trying to grab on to her. Riot-gear police. Things get ugly. Chloe finds herself backed against a chain link fence. I hope these extras got paid really well, because this looks like a shitty day on the set. Chloe sees a car with the license plate "LUTHRIV." Intravenous Luthor? Chloe runs toward the limo and begs to be let in. A door opens. Papa Luthor's head pops out: "Get in!" Chloe does. But it's a bad idea, because the car starts getting smashed by rioters immediately. So all of the computers and infrastructure are gone, but cars still work? Rioters rock the limo. Papa Luthor is dragged out of the car through a broken window. "Mr. Luthor!" Chloe yells. Then another window is broken, and Chloe herself is dragged out. She has no pepperspray? No stun-gun? The camera pulls back from overhead, as two dudes are pulling on Chloe's arm, and another guy steps over her to get somewhere else. Now, make of this what you will. I think people are being jackasses here and rioting and whatnot, but the shot is so quick (it's four seconds at most), that I don't think impending gang-rape is what's implied. However, lots of people on the forums immediately thought that when they saw it, so obviously some wires were crossed here. Whatever you think of the scene, I think we can agree that it was badly staged because it's unclear what exactly the danger is to Chloe. Is she about to get beat up? Raped? Robbed? Stepped on? It's one thing to leave a character in peril as a cliffhanger, but quite another to do it in a way that leaves such a disturbing image for such a long period of time with no clear idea of what's going on. I wonder if this is what the WB would call part of a "Fresh Episode."

More rioting. Seemingly only a few feet away, Lana is running through the commotion. She squirrel-jumps over a short car and runs. Apparently, she's not seeing what's going on with Chloe and Papa Luthor. A dude tries to grab her, but she knees him in the stomach, then karate kicks him in the face. The idea that Lana made it through a rioting city unharmed is just...I don't even have a word for it. I feel like I've exhausted the word "bullshit" these last two seasons. Lana runs into a burning building. Smart girl.

The rooftop of that building. It reads LUTHORCORP in huge letters. A man in a long leather trench coat stands on the ledge. It's LexZod the badass! He turns when he hears someone come through the roof exit. It's Lana. Behind LexZod is a burning building in the distance and a full moon. She breathes heavily: "Lex!" She says that part of her thought this was another one of Lex's tests. Yeah, send your girlfriend through a city full of rioting crazy people. Nice test. Lana says that Lex has been betrayed and abandoned so many times, how could he know Lana wouldn't be ? LexZod is thinking, "Does she not know a city is burning and crumbling all around her? This Earth chick is seriously fucked up." Lana announces that she's there. For Lex. "In spite of everything that's happening out there, I'm here," she reiterates. Stop making yourself sound even more crazy, girl. Lana says that she doesn't know what she and Lex have, but she's there because she wants to find out. A thousand more people die downstairs. But, really, just keep talking about your relationship. That's why we're here. "Do you?" Lana asks. Hey, LexZod, check "yes" or "no" in one of those little boxes that asks, "Do you like this crazy Earth chick?" LexZod puts his hand on Lana's shoulder. If you're an intelligent alien, I guess it would take a zillion years in space prison to make you want to get it on with Lana in the middle of your greatest conquest. LexZod kisses Lana. It is the worst of the worst. I can understand Lex wanting Lana, I guess. Sorta. But Zod? What the fuck does Zod want with Lana? Throw her off the building, you jackass! Feed her to SoFine. Anything! Just be evil, will you? They kiss and it is horrible and pointless and all that is stupid and aggravating about this show. You know that Howard Dean scream? That's what this sounds like, only hopeless and pained. Fuck! Shit! Fucking hell! This is what I gotta come back to season? This turd pucky? Man. The camera pans away from the kiss (thank Christ), and we see a computer-animated, fiery city, where a helicopter flies, and lots of people are dying, or at least getting beat up. The camera backs away from Earth fast and we see lights all over the world going out. In space, the Queen II album cover floats with Clark in it. He's in a cube, in space prison. What looks like a cube is actually a mostly flat square. It spins and spins in space. Don't we have the Star Ward technology to shoot that thing out of the sky? Oh, right. No computers. The square disc floats away. The music crescendos. Title card: "TO BE CONTINUED."

By Omar G

Metropolis. All the lights go off. The Daily Planet planet stops spinning. Blackout!

Commercials. Poseidon. Currently drowning in bad reviews at a theater near you.