A little girl has the amazing ability to break glass all around her. I thought all kids with baseball bats had that. In any case, the child, who's living in a foster home, gets angry and kills her foster parent...or so we think, until we find out that her missing father, Glasshole, also has the Krypto-ability, and that he's actually the one carrying out misdeeds to support his diamond-stealing habit. MamaKent, a friend of the foster mom, takes in the girl, and Clark befriends her by acting like Superdork, but it's kind of sweet, so we'll forgive him. Clark tracks down Glasshole, and there's a glass vs. glass showdown in which the little girl must decide not to kill her own father, lest she become Glasshole II: More Glasshole. The girl ends up going to live with her grandmother, who is thrilled to have a kid around who can break all her precious mementos just by thinking about it. Meanwhile, Lex and Lana hang out together in the name of spaceship research, and Chloe doesn't like it one bit. She confronts him, and Lex says some very mean things about Chloe's perpetually single status. The confrontation gets back to Lana, who gets mad at Chloe for implying that something's going on between her and Lex. Lana goes to Stately Luthor Manor to make it clear that there's nothing romantic going on, but then all of a sudden they start kissing like they mean it. God help us: it's the real Lexana.
"Tonight's Smallville features the directorial debut of Tom Welling," says Voice-Over Man, as clips of tonight's episode appear. We like you, Tom, but try not to screw it up, all right?
A young girl is pouring water from a clear glass pitcher. We hear a woman, presumably her mother, on the phone with MamaKent, telling her that she finished work on the charts for her committee meeting. "Oh, Clark's in the neighborhood? Sure, he can come pick them up," she tells MamaKent, as she balances a phone on her shoulder and serves two plates of dinner on the table. The little girl, in pigtails, doesn't look too happy about much of anything. Chicken and sides? Fuck this shit. Where's my Happy Meal?
The woman finishes her conversation with MamaKent, as the little girl pushes her dinner plate away, maybe a fraction of a millimeter, and goes to another table in the kitchen/dining area to sulk. The girl intently stares at a piece of paper she's scribbling on. In the background, Mom tells the girl to come have dinner; she can draw later. Mom tells Maddie (whom we'll call "Shardy"), that the rules dictate that they have dinner at the table as a family. Shardy keeps drawing. Mom sighs. Mom gets annoyed, and tells Shardy that she may not want to talk, but that she'd better listen. They struggle with the girl's sketchbook. As they do, the glass pitcher behind them vibrates. It suddenly breaks. Mom turns around in surprise. She asks what happened. Shardy looks scared. We hear water dribbling. "You did that, didn't you?" Mom asks. She suddenly has figured out that all the times she found broken glass around the house weren't accidents. But they were happy accidents! Suddenly, sounding not-so-Mom-like, the woman says, "Nobody warned me about this. I think you need help." The glass of a small frame holding a photo of the two of them breaks nearby. The woman gasps, and says she's calling the foster care agency right now, and that she can't take it anymore. Shardy goes to her, and tries to touch her arm, but Foster Mom spins and snaps, "Don't touch me!"
Mom tells Shardy to go to her room. Shardy does, angrily. The whole house seems to rumble, especially a small stained-glass window Shardy passes on her way upstairs. Shardy cups her hands to both sides of her head. A stained-glass window in the kitchen explodes. Shardy, scared, crawls under her bed. Foster Mom watches, in horror, as all the windows in the kitchen area suddenly explode in slow motion. She screams. Light fixtures, windows, a big aquarium. It all breaks. We cut between Foster Mom screaming and Shardy under the bed, looking like she's controlling the whole thing. This is why we aren't having kids. Screw this Carrie crap. Under the bed, Shardy has tears in her eyes.
Downstairs, Foster Mom slowly gets up in the darkened kitchen. She breathes heavily as the house continues to rumble. Don't go outside! You might be safer there! Foster Mom does a very stupid thing on a show filled with people doing stupid things weekly -- she goes and stands in front of a very large mirror, staring at her own reflection in horror. Yes, it's terrifying to be so dumb. Under the bed, as scary music plays, Shardy cups her ears. She closes her eyes, hard. "Noooo!" Foster Mom screams, as she waits to be killed, but good. This is an interesting way to commit suicide, I guess. Close-up of Shardy's eyes, darting from side to side, as we hear the mirror downstairs break. Wow, that was a dumb death, but my understanding is that it will thin the idiot herd, so let's not feel too bad.
Opening credits. Commercials. Oh, Reba. You'll outlive us all.
Kent Home, at night. Wayward child music plays, as we go inside to see Shardy at the coffee table in the Kent living room, still sketching. Only now she's got an incredible amount of inspiration. Clark is telling someone from the sheriff's department that he found Foster Mom in the kitchen with glass everywhere. "What kind of person would commit such a brutal crime?" Clark asks, stiffly. Yeah, it's not like we've had any murderers in this town before, heavens-to-Betsy, my. The deputy, wearing big glasses, says that the sound of Clark's truck probably scared them off. Shattering glass and explosions didn't, but an F-150 will do the trick. MamaKent thanks the deputy for letting the girl stay with them for the night (it's up to him and not Child Protective Services?). MamaKent says that, after what the girl's been through, she shouldn't have to stay in some shelter. Where professional psychologists may be able to help her. Instead of farmers. Just sayin'. The deputy says that CPS will come by to check in the morning, and leaves.
MamaKent says that the dead woman only ever wanted to help people, and used to run a youth center before she became MamaKent's chief of staff. MamaKent stares sadly at the girl. Clark says that Shardy hasn't said a word since he picked her up. MamaKent says that the girl hasn't spoken since she was three. The last words she said were "I'm going to hold out for a guest spot on a fresh WB show." MamaKent says that's when her birth mother was killed. Clark notes that the girl's been through one tragedy after another. Uh, Clark and MamaKent? She doesn't speak, but she can hear. MamaKent says that she should call Papa Luthor in London. There's a British version? Sweet! MamaKent says that Foster Mom used to run Papa Luthor's children's foundation. He had a children's foundation? Was it for child clones? Clark, suddenly mindful that his mother is about to speak with evil, tries to stop her. MamaKent says that it'll only take a minute.
Clark sighs before he approaches the little girl, because this is going to be so lame, man. He could be out...doing...well, I guess this is more exciting than Clark's lack of plans. Clark walks over, and asks what she's drawing. How about word balloons? "Quite the artist, aren't you?" Clark asks. She doesn't talk, dude. Try "Amutesayswhat." (Silence.) "Exactly. Not." Clark looks around. Talking to a silent girl is hard. At least Lana whispered everything she said. The girl is drawing a scary, leafless tree. Clark lies that he's an artist, too. In fact, he directs! Wanna see his demo reel? When the girl doesn't respond, Clark sighs, and tells Shardy that he'll have to prove it to her. Clark tells the girl to prepare herself, because his self-portrait is going to be so kick-ass that she won't be able to tell it apart from a photograph. Clark shows her a stick figure drawn in red holding a giant testicle. Wait, no. It's got a nipple. I've got it! It's Clark walking abreast. Very clever, Kent. Clark smiles at the girl. She lights up a tiny bit. What's sign-language for "Dork"?
Lana and Lex arrive at her dorm at night. They're giggling, and carrying on about the adventure they just had. Lana says that even though they were studying musty old government documents, at least they got to do it over spicy tuna rolls. Those weren't spicy tuna rolls! It was the Declaration of Independence! Fools! Lex says that he's not too fond of working in the stacks. If he's not a fan of things that are stacked, he picked a perfect new girlfriend. Lana tells Lex that she was impressed when he ordered off their sushi menu in fluent Japanese. Konnishiwa. Lana says that Lex could have warned her about the squid brains. Now, what fun would that be? Lex squints and says, "Awishi karadeisho." I think. Depending on whom you ask in the forums, it either means it was delicious or that he likes Lana, despite her squirrel-like tendencies. Lana gives a stack of papers to Lex, saying she doesn't feel comfortable hanging on to them. She thinks Lex could get in trouble for showing her classified documents. Hey, if the president can't get in trouble for it... Lex says that if Professor SoFine is right, the government will have a lot more to be worried about than Lana Lang. Yeah, leave all the worrying to me. Dammit. Lex and Lana face each other, and despite the icky, there is definite heat here. Blame Lex. Lex says that he feels safe in Lana's hands. "You must really trust me," she says. "100 percent," he tells her, smiling slyly. Lex hopes she feels the same. "I do," she says. Long stares. Lex sniffs. It looks like they might kiss. Until Chloe walks right in. Quick, American Idol is on! Turn on the TV! Chloe acts very awkward, and says she forgot her pencil in the library. She goes to retrieve it. Outside, she looks completely freaked out.
Kent Farm. Clark is showing Shardy the "world-famous Kent barn." I guess it is, huh? Clark tells her that, when he was her age, his dad used to let him jump on the haystacks. That sounds like the itchiest thing I've ever heard. Clark tells the girl to close her eyes, and turn around -- he's got a surprise for her. Oh, great. More death. Clark says that it'll be worth it. She turns around. The camera pivots around Shardy, as we hear a "whoosh!" and see some wind blow. The girl turns, and sees a giant haystack. Sadly, the inside is all broken glass. Clark asks whether she wants to give it a shot. She stares at Clark like he's a creepy man. He asks whether she's afraid of heights. "I can relate," he tells her. Clark gets down to Shardy's eye level, and tells her that they have more in common than she might think. You both like boys? "I was an orphan, too," he says. The girl smiles.
Just then, Shelby the dog barks softly, and trots in. Shardy grins, and goes to him. She pets him, and whispers. Clark uses his superhearing to listen in. She's saying, "Good dog." Clark smiles, and tries to approximate a look of sly plotting. You're not Blackadder, dude. Clark tells her that animals are great. He says that they listen to you, and don't say mean things back. Clark tells the girl that he may not be as furry, or have a tail like Shelby, but he promises he won't say anything mean to her. Clark has no tail!? "What's up there?" she suddenly asks, pointing up at the loft. Clark is stunned. At least it shut him up.
Upstairs, in the Fortress of Bigbrothertude, Clark tells Shardy that it's kinda like his clubhouse. She tells Clark that he's lucky. Clark says she'll be lucky, too. They're going to find her a good family. Shardy, spinning Clark's globe, says that people don't like her. Clark says that those people are crazy, because he likes her. What are you basing that on, Clark, really? She sees a photo in a frame. "Is this your girlfriend?" she asks. Well, she wasn't last night! Clark says that she used to be, but that they kind of parted ways. Clark asks if Shardy wants to go on a horseback ride, just her and Clark. And horses, I hope. Clark tells her that she can chat up "Buttercup" all she likes. You have a horse named "Buttercup," Clark? Dude, we have to talk. "So, you can talk," says a voice belonging to the real person who should be mute. Lois Lane appears, wearing devil red, and tells the little girl that she knew that whole Marcel Marceau "'Sound of Silence' thing" was just a rumor. First off...what? Never mind that the references are too old for the little girl -- they're too old for Lois herself. It's like they pulled this character out from the Suck Dimension. You know what? Fuck all this. I'm out.
Wing Chun: Hey, Omar.
Omar: Yes?
Wing Chun: I got you a Toblerone.
Omar: Toblerone!
...and, just like that, I'm back. Lois introduces herself, but not as the Princess of Darkness. Instead of shaking Lois's hand, Shardy takes a step back. All of a sudden, Shardy is my new favorite kid. Clark tells Lois that the girl is a little shy. Lois says that a lot of artists are, and offers her a coloring book and crayons. Lois looks especially made-up this week. Lois thrusts the coloring book at the poor girl, and tells Clark that with MamaKent's chief of staff gone, she's been in emergency meetings all day. MamaKent had asked Lois to help out with Shardy. Clark says that he's got it under control. Lois scoffs. "I'm the one with the little sister, remember?" We really don't, because she only was ever in one episode. Even Nasty Nell was on the show longer than that. Lois offers a game of hopscotch, which sounds about as appealing as a nipplectomy. Clark tells Lois that they were about to hit the trails. Lois tells Clark to bust out the spurs, because she's game. Lois has no friends anywhere. It's almost sad. Shardy gives Clark a look. Lois picks up on the vibe, and sees that the little girl wants to be alone with Clark. Lois says that she'll be galloping way ahead of them. Shardy scrunches up her face, and some lightbulbs suddenly explode in a shower of sparks. Everyone looks at each other. Shardy runs down the stairs.
Kent house. Clark finds Shardy with her knees curled up to her chin on the sofa. He asks what happened. Clark pulls up a chair, and asks whether she broke those lightbulbs. Because they're not cheap and the Kents aren't rich, kid. Clark gives her the speech about how she has powers other kids can't even dream about. Shardy is crying a little. Clark says it's all right, and tells her she can tell him the truth. Shardy thinks about it. She says that ever since she was little, she could break glass. Wow. How out of nowhere was that? When she's upset, she can't control it. Clark asks if she was upset with Foster Mom. Shardy looks surprised: "You think I killed her?" We don't think you didn't kill her. How about that? Clark tiptoes around it, but Shardy tells him that she wasn't in the same room and that she can't use her power through walls. Well, what good is that? There goes my new idea for winning the war in Iraq. Shardy says that she liked Foster Mom and would never hurt her. Lois comes in, and asks if she can talk to Clark. Clark gives Shardy a reassuring smile.
Out in the hallway, Lois tells Clark that she's calling the sheriff before they get "sliced, diced, and puréed." Charming. Clark defends Shardy. Lois asks if some other glass-manipulating person killed Foster Mom. Clark says that just because the girl has an ability doesn't make her a killer. Lois calls Clark naïve, and says that the girl is one-step short of the demon seed. Well, what are you, then, Lois? You're not even the demon seed! You're like...demon pre-seed! Clark asks Lois to give him an hour to dig up some information before they call the police. Lois is not thrilled about having to babysit: "Does my life mean nothing to you?" Uhhh... Clark says that he doesn't think the girl is dangerous, and that if Lois is scared, he can always call Chloe. Lois isn't scared, she says. Clark takes off. Shardy watches from the corner.
Commercials. Is there a Visine that will assist my eyes in watching this show?
Daily Planet, daytime. Chloe has dug up some information for Clark that she found in Shardy's very private CPS files. Lots of references to broken glass, she says. She introduces the information by saying, "I hate to break it to you," which is kinda cute. The little AOL yellow guy runs across my screen and says, "Join Lex's hunt for Dr. Fine. Go to aol.com/Smallville." There are three short blog entries and a video when I last looked at it. Impressive, giant AOL Time Warner conglomerate. A ten-year-old with a MySpace page posts more than that in an afternoon. Chloe says that the girl is disaster-prone. Clark says that doesn't make her a killer. He says that if his parents hadn't found him in the field, he could have been in the foster care system, accused of crimes he didn't commit. Chloe says that one of Clark's powers is his faith in people, but she thinks the jury is in: the little girl is guilty. Chloe shows Clark a newspaper article: it wasn't just a car accident, it was a freak car accident. She had a head-on collision with a bunch of freaks! Chloe says that witnesses claimed the front windshield shattered before the crash. Clark asks whether Chloe thinks the girl killed her own mother. Chloe reminds Clark that the girl has a hard time controlling her powers. Clark glares at the air. Stupid air!
Kent farm. Lois has taken Shardy outside, far away from glass surfaces. Lois claims that some of her best times in life were out in the boonies...far away from breakables. Some of my best times in life were spent away from Lois. Shardy asks where Shelby went. Lois says that she's allergic, and that the dog isn't fond of her either. Lois, who is setting them up for a picnic, says that they can do whatever Shardy wants. Shardy suddenly runs off, looking for Shelby. Scary music plays. Lois gives chase. In the barn, Lois tells Shardy she can play with the dog when Clark gets back. Lois suddenly notices that all the glass jars in the barn are suddenly shaking. Lois tries to calm the girl down, and says that they should get out of there before one of them gets hurt. Perfect timing, because the CPS guy just showed up. "What do you mean 'gets hurt'?" he asks. Lois asks who he is. He's Frank Colbert, dammit! He asks what's going on. Lois tells the guy that she knows this sounds crazy, but that she's trying to keep the girl as far away from glass as possible. The guy looks surprised, so he obviously hasn't read Shardy's file. He asks Shardy to go get in his car. She shakes her head. Lois tells the guy, "No, no, not the car!" Lois tells Frank Colbert that the girl can break glass just by looking at it. Yeah, that's nice, but Frank Colbert's going to take her back to the shelter. More scary music plays, but nothing happens.
Stately Luthor Manor. Lex opens his email and finds an AOL-sponsored video window from one of his minions. "We spotted Milton Fine!" the person, who looks like he's in a plane or helicopter, yells. Apparently, he's near the Somalian border. Lex sips on his drink as if this isn't amazing news. He pulls up another video, with another guy telling him that Fine is in Myanmar. Chloe bursts into the room. Security! Lex closes his laptop. "Chloe," he says, friendly enough. Chloe gets herself into place, and speechifies that she knows Lex's moral compass sometimes veers off-course, but that taking advantage of Lana when she's most vulnerable is despicable. Lex casually sets down his drink, and continues his game of pool, as he tells Chloe that her reporter's eye is getting cloudy and that she's seeing things that aren't there. Chloe says that she doesn't have to work for the DWP to see know how much electricity was in that room. Yeah, nice one, writers. This is the second time "DWP" has been used incorrectly on the show. That's the Department of Water and Power in Los Angeles. In Kansas, the DWP is the Department of Wildlife and Parks. Lex scoffs. He must know "DWP" is bullshit, too. He straightens up, and tells Chloe how interesting it is that she's so perceptive about affairs of the heart, considering that she's never been in a serious relationship. Crack! Ow! Chloe asks if Lex thinks Lana would be remotely interested in him if she wasn't swept up in an emotional tornado. I wonder how that compares to when she got swept up in a real one. Lex scoffs again. He says that he appreciates Chloe's concern for Lana, but that they're friends, nothing more. Chloe tells Lex that she knows he's used to getting what he wants, but that if he hurts her friend, there'll be a consequence: "And you're lookin' at her." Chloe starts to walk out. Lex stops her: "Chloe. I think I'm getting an inkling why you've never had a boyfriend." He smiles. Chloe, angry, leaves the room. She slams the door on her way out. Snap! Lex, happy, goes back to playing pool.
Kent farm. Shardy gets into the CPS car. Lois warns Frank Colbert not to let the girl near glass. Frank Colbert says that he heard Lois the first time, and tells Lois to go get Shardy's belongings. Lois goes. The windows of the sedan start to shake. Shardy looks around, scared. There's a scary guy standing over by the barn. Lois screams at Shardy to get out of the car. Shardy ducks down in the vehicle. The glass explodes. Frank Colbert gets sharded. So does Lois. The scary guy, who caused the glass explosion, walks to the car. Lois, glass chunks in her back, says, "Hey!" as the guy tells Shardy to stay put. He drives the car off, but not before smashing into a part of the Kent fence. That's gonna take Clark several seconds to repair! The music is a bit dramatic as this guy, Glasshole, drives away with Shardy in the backseat.
Commercials. The Motorola SLVR. My phone is a little jealous.
Smallville Medical Center, daytime. A nurse is taking out a tray of bloody shards from Lois's back like it's a plate of sushi. Clark comes in to find Lois bent over, and almost falling out of her hospital gown. Lois says that she screwed up pretty badly losing Shardy on her watch. Clark comes around behind her, the better to stare at her fresh wounds, and blames himself for leaving the two of them alone. Lois tells Clark that if he'd been there, he would have been shredded beef. Strange look as Lois gets up. Clark averts his eyes like he can see her McGillicutty and it's embarrassing to him. But he's really reacting to her comment about shredded beef. Wow, Tom Welling, maybe you should have had someone else direct this scene. Lois thinks that Shardy will be fine. They issued an Amber Alert for her. Clark asks whether Lois got a good look at the guy. Lois describes him, adding that he's "good-looking in that psycho-killer kind of way." What! Is she doing! On this show?! Gah! Clark wonders who'd want to kidnap the girl. Lois says that, given her disposition, it has to be someone pretty desperate to be with her.
A sad-looking truck stop somewhere. Shardy is on a pay phone saying, "Please, Clark, pick up!" She keeps begging, as the phone keeps ringing. But Glasshole comes over, and hangs it up. He asks "Princess" why she's trying to get away from him. He tells her that he's her dad. He says it more than once. "What?!" she asks. He tells the girl that, all the years he was locked up, the thought of her is all that kept him going. He says that he'd do anything for her. The girl says that he killed Frank Colbert and Foster Mom. He did say he'd do anything. You gotta give him that. She thinks he killed her "real mommy," too. "Real Mommy didn't want me near you," says Glasshole. "She thought I was some monster." He tells her that he just wanted them to be together. Kryptonite affliction: keeping families apart since the '80s. Glasshole asks Shardy if she likes butterflies. That'll defuse a conversation about mom's murder, sure. From his pocket, he produces a purple glass sculpture he made in shop class. He says he made it for Shardy. She breaks it. With her mind. That took five years! He's not even that pissed. He just says he knows it's a big change, but that he wants to put their family together. He reassembles the butterfly with his mind. It's still kinda tacky. He grabs the girl by the arms and drags her off, telling her he's got a surprise. Shardy struggles. Glasshole drives them off in the car.
Daily Planet. Chloe has tracked down a photo of Glasshole and Shardy's mom. She tells Clark she thinks it's the guy. She found that he landed in Belle Reve twelve years ago with the ability to manipulate glass. Incarcerated, he did indeed become a glass blower. Chloe deduces that Shardy's meteor powers are second-generation. She says that Glasshole was in a stained-glass workshop when the meteor shower hit. Clark thinks out loud that Shardy never got to meet her dad, because he was in prison her whole life. Chloe reveals that the guy went to prison for using his powers to rob a jewelry store. He stole seven five-carat diamonds that were never recovered. Clark asks whether the guy just escaped. Chloe says that he was a model patient, and that the shrinks gave him a clean bill of health. They'll release you without having you give back the diamonds? Killer! Clark says that they have to find the guy. Chloe's not sure where to look. Clark asks where he lived before he was arrested. I refuse to believe that Chloe wouldn't have thought of that first. Chloe uses the AOL White Pages, instead of her extensive reporting tools, to look up an address from more than twelve years ago. Yeah, fuck you AOL Time Warner. You've stretched my suspension of disbelief like taffy and now it has broken. Chloe finds that the dude lived with his mother. She gives Clark the address. Notice that they don't show you the results screen because, in the real world, it did not find any.
A basement with lots of stained glass. Clark is talking to Glasshole Granny, who can't believe that her son didn't come visit when they let him out of Belle Reve. Clark says that the dude probably went to see his daughter first. "Daughter? He doesn't have a daughter!" says Glasshole Granny. Go to bed, you old bag! Clark says the girl's name and that she's eleven years old. "I have a granddaughter?" the woman asks. It's like she just fell into catnip. Wooooooo grandkids! Clark says that Shardy could be in danger. His keen eyes spot a big stained-glass piece in the middle of the basement. He says that he's seen it before at The Talon. Grandma says that it's beautiful, and that Glasshole finished it just before he was arrested. It's called "You'll Never Catch Me, Coppa!" It looks like a Galahad/Guinevere piece. Grandma says that she doesn't have the final piece; she had to sell it when her husband died. Clark points to the glass and asks whether they ever found the diamonds. She says they didn't.
We see the seven diamonds, but they're on the final version of the stained-glass piece, in The Talon. Glasshole is showing it to Shardy. He says that he always knew he'd get out. "Watch this," he says. He rubs his hands together, turns to the glass, and makes the giant diamonds fly out to him. He grins creepily. Laughs. He tells Shardy that he hid the diamonds for the two of them. They're the start of a new life. With lots of whores and cocaine, wooo! He asks Shardy to take them. She refuses, admonishing, "You stole them." "No I didn't," he says. He grew them. From, uh, bananas! Shardy is still refusing to take the diamonds when Clark whooshes in. "Let her go!" he yells. Shardy breaks free of her dad's grasp and runs off. Glasshole motions his hand to the stained-glass piece and makes it start wobbling. Clark ain't having that. He zips over and grabs Glasshole, and then flings him across the room. Glasshole breaks right through a display counter. The muffins! Oh, the humanity! Er, muffinanity! Clark goes to Shardy. She hugs him. It's awfully cute. Clark grins, and telling her that it's all right and that Glasshole will never hurt anyone again. Until after the scene.
Daily Planet. Chloe is surrounded by ringing phones and people milling about. Lana goes to her. Chloe is surprised to see her there on a weekend. Lana, angrily, says that she got a call from Lex. She asks why Chloe didn't just talk to her. Chloe apologizes, but says she didn't think Lana was interested in talking about her love life. "My love life?" Lana scoffs. "With Lex? You've gotta be kidding me." I just freeze-framed on a particularly bad moment for Lana. I kid because I care, but seriously, get some rest, girl! Chloe says that Lana can be honest and that she won't burn her at the stake. Yeah, nothing that silly would happen on this show. Lana tells Chloe that there's nothing to be honest about, and that Chloe needs to knock off that rumor shit before she embarrasses her any more. Chloe says that she understands if Lana wants to hurt Clark. Oops. She tells Lana not to hurt herself in the process, and that Lex Luthor is a predator. Lana says she doesn't plan on being anyone's prey, so Chloe has nothing to worry about. Lana walks off, royally pissed off. Chloe knows that she just screwed up.
Talon. Lois's apartment. Lois has her arm in a sling. Clark tells her to lay off the arm wrestling for a while. Lois says that her arm is fine; what hurts is knowing how she treated Shardy. It didn't seem that different from the way she treats everyone else, honestly. Clark says it goes to show that people aren't always who you think they are. Lois gives Clark props for being a natural with kids. Clark says that Shardy is pretty special, and that she's going to go live with her grandmother, who's thrilled to have a grandkid. Clark says that Glasshole Granny is excited the way his parents were when they adopted him. Lois says that they didn't have to worry about having their house destroyed. Just then, MamaKent appears at the door in time to say, "Well, he had his moments." MamaKent, wearing a smart long coat, greets Clark, and then hands over a folder of papers for Lois to read. MamaKent says that the chief of staff for a state senator has to be fully informed on all sides of the issues. Clark is like, "Wha?" Lois asks whether MamaKent wants her to be her chief of staff. Clark, standing, asks if MamaKent doesn't want to think this through. MamaKent says that if it wasn't for Lois, Bo Duke would never have been elected, and MamaKent wouldn't be in office. She says it's pretty clear that Lois's destiny lies far beyond a cappuccino maker. I wish it only went as far as the fry station. "What do you think?" MamaKent asks. Lois smiles. Dark clouds a-formin'.
Medical Center. Yes, again. Glasshole, in cuffs, is being led to an elevator by that Elvis Costello-looking deputy. As they stand together in the elevator, Glasshole says, "Nice glasses." We cut away just as the lenses of the glasses shatter.
Cut to the elevator door opening on the first floor. There's blood on the back wall. Glasshole drops his loose handcuffs on the floor, where the deputy lies blinded and dead. Oedipus, nooooo! Creepy crescendo music.
Commercials. Hey, an AOL ad! Imagine my surprise.
Six minutes later (that was a long commercial break), on the Kent Farm, Shardy, looking like a country girl, is wiping down a kitchen window with a paper towel. Wow, cleaning the glass instead of breaking it. She'd never even considered how much easier that would be! Clark appears behind Shardy, and asks what she's doing. Reparations. It sucks. Shardy says that Clark saved her life and that she just wanted to help out. That's cute, kid, but that's why we let Mexican immigrants into the country. Put the paper towel down and Lupita will get that. Clark says that the girl's a guest, and that guests get a second helping of MamaKent's banana pancakes. Also? Body issues. MamaKent says that the way Clark is with the girl...Bo Duke would be so proud. Clark sits down with Shardy, who asks him if he ever met his "real dad." "Sort of," he says. She asks whether he was bad like hers. "Maybe worse," he answers. Clark says that just because Jarnelle gave him life doesn't mean Clark has to be like him. Clark speechifies that anyone can be a father, but that it takes a special guy to be a Dad. Clark says he wishes Shardy could have met the man who raised him, and that Bo Duke would have liked her a lot. Especially if she could do heavy-lifting chores. Clark and MamaKent exchange warm looks. Shardy asks if she can stay here with Clark. Uh, NO! Clark tells her that she has a grandmother who's very excited to have her stay. Shardy, near tears, says that she doesn't know the lady, but that she knows Clark. Clark advises the girl to give it some time. All the glass in the house starts to shake. Clark asks her to listen. He tells her he'd never let her go with someone who wouldn't accept her. Clark promises. The glass stops shaking. Clark smiles, and tells the girl she'll be fine. He'll make sure. Can Clark be any more Glamour Shots at this moment?
Farm at night. Clark and Shardy come downstairs as he announces to MamaKent that they need another set of cards. It's time for some Kansas Hold 'Em, and we don't play that pussy one-deck shit. It's quiet downstairs. Too, too quiet. Clark notices with alarm that the kitchen door pane is broken. He hears breaking glass. He tells Shardy to stay in the house as he goes to investigate. Sure, leave the kid alone. Why not?
In the barn, MamaKent is pinned to a post with a huge floating glass shard pointed at her. "Mom!" Clark yells. "Clark," she gurgles. The pointy edge of the glass is jabbing her right in the neck. Glasshole appears from behind MamaKent, looking like crazy Peter Weller with Sting's hair. He holds out a magician hand, all, "SLEEEEEP!," and tells Clark that if he moves a muscle, Mom's throat'll get slashed. What about internal muscles? Involuntary muscle movement? Let's set some guidelines here. Clark sighs. I think he moved some muscles. Glasshole tells Clark to bring him his daughter. Wanna give that speech about how not everyone can be a Dad now, Clark? Glasshole yells at Clark to hurry up and do it. Instead, Clark eyejaculates at the piece of glass, knocking it away. Ew. It breaks. Glasshole thinks, "I could not have foreseen that." MamaKent scurries off.
There's a weird camera view as Glasshole moves his head around and shatters a bunch of jars in the room to make an army of glass pieces that surround him. He tosses them all at Clark. Clark just starts to walk toward them, but before they can break on Clark's hard head, the glass pieces change direction and form into shardy daggers, all pointed at Glasshole. Clark turns. Shardy is doing the hand thing and telling Clark to get the fuck out of the way so that this cocksucker won't ever hurt anyone again. Or words to that effect. Clark tells her no. Glasshole asks his "Princess" what she's doing to him. Kabobs, motherfucker, kabobs! Clark mocks the poor girl by mimicking the hand in the air thing. He tells Shardy that if she does this, she'll be just as bad as Glasshole. Well, she didn't steal diamonds and kill a bunch of innocent people. So, no, Clark. Clark tells her that she doesn't have to turn into her father. That would be crazy expensive. "Maybe...I don't have a choice," Shardy says, seriously. Clark assures her that she doesn't have to follow in her father's footsteps. She hesitates, and says she doesn't want him to hurt more people. Glasshole begs for his life. He falls to his knees. The floating glass daggers follow. Clark asks the girl not to destroy her life like her father did his. Shardy drops her hands. The daggers fall and break into pieces. Ironically, it is Glasshole who is the most shattered thing in the room. Shardy apologizes to Clark. They hug. Clark tells her it's over. Glasshole is so jealous.
Commercials. Silent Hill, y'all. Fuck. Yes.
Kent Farm mailbox. On the porch, Shelby barks, while Clark and Shardy say their goodbyes. Clark tells her that there's nothing to be afraid of. Shardy says that Clark won't be there, and that she'll have no one to talk to. Clark says that her grandma can't wait to talk to her. Clark hopes she's heard of the Mandrell sisters. Shardy sees MamaKent helping Glasshole Granny to the porch. Man, this is gonna suuu-huuuuuck. Shardy frets that she might not be able to control her powers. Clark says that she can do it. He adds that if she ever feels like losing control, she can just pick up the phone and...HOLLAAAAA! Dance, dance! Clark says that he'll talk her through it. The girl says she already misses Clark. Clark says he misses her, too. Big hug. Clark says that her grandmother is waiting for her. With linseed oil. Two more old-people jokes and I get my official "Asshole Ageist Card!" Wish me luck! Shardy hands Clark a card. It's a very nice color drawing of her, Shelby, MamaKent, the barn, sunflowers, and a rainbow with Clark as a stick figure in the middle. Clark likes the rainbow best. Clark is gonna cry. Ryan never even drew him anything. Shardy and Glasshole Granny hug. Granny leads Shardy to her wood-panel-colored station wagon, which smells like a hospital room. Shardy and Glasshole Granny drive away. Canada's pretty this time of year. Wait. The scene is over! No! Granny, come back! I was so close to getting my ageist card! Goddamn you, Glasshole Granny!
Daily Planet, nighttime. It's quitting time, and Chloe is telling Clark that with Lois's love of gossip, she'll always have the inside track on capital gossip. Clark hopes she doesn't get MamaKent impeached. Chloe asks whether Clark has talked to his mother about Papa Luthor knowing his secret. Nope. Clark asks how Lana is doing. Chloe says she wondered when Clark would bring up "the L word." Annoyed, she says that Clark should just call Lana. Clark, being cute, says that he was trying to give her space. "Has she met anyone yet?" he asks. Oh. Geez. Chloe goes off. She says that if Clark doesn't want to talk to Lana, that's fine, but she asks Clark not to make Chloe his little covert spy. Yeah! Chloe walks off. Clark stops her. He asks if there's something she's not telling him. "No. Not at all," she says, with resignation, and clomps up the stairs.
Lex at his office laptop. Get off my screen, AOL man! Lex is sending an email to Project Mercury dudes in Asia and Africa titled "BLOG READY." It's all about K-Fed. You guys should totally check it out! Lana walks in as Lex stares at his screen. He shuts the computer and greets her with surprise. Security! Lana says that she wanted to talk and set the record straight. Sadly, it's very possible to get things straight with Lex these days. Lex says that he doesn't think the record could be any straighter. Why do you think there's no Gayest Look of the Episode this week? Lex says that Chloe is working on a story where there is none. Lana looks at Lex, bemused. She says that their friendship means a lot to her. She doesn't want any misunderstandings to get in the way of that. Lex says that they're on the same page. He apologizes if he gave off the wrong signal the other night. Lana tenderly says that he doesn't have to apologize for something that didn't happen. Lex says it wouldn't be the first time, and walks toward the fire. Lana says she can't believe they're even having this conversation: "To think there'd be anything between us besides friendship..." Lex says, "Don't worry. Talk is just a bunch of noise. As long as we both feel the same way..." Lana finishes his thought: "...that's all that matters." Lex turns. He kisses Lana. She looks incredibly hurt for a moment. "You okay?" Lex asks. Lana walks past him. Lex says it's just something that happened. Again? Lana turns, grabs Lex by the sides of his neck, and plants one on him. She moves her hands to the back of Lex's head, and they totally go at it. I've been against this since day one, but mostly because I didn't think it would generate one calorie of heat. But, hey, is it warm in here or just me? Lana breaks the kiss and runs off, leaving Lex alone by the fire. Lex, for once, actually looks happy.
More AOL ads for the "Search for Dr. Fine" site. Whatevahs.
week: the Magnificent Bastard acts his ass off. And we will be watching. Awesome.